Think you’ve seen negativity? Believe you’ve glimpsed willfulness? That’s just a preview of the toddler years—when these toddler-centric behaviors and more will enchant and
exasperate, delight and dumbfound, fascinate and frustrate, test both your resourcefulness and your patience as a parent. From food fetishes to ritualism, toddlers have a unique way of approaching life that keeps their parents guessing—and looking for advice on the best way to handle their quirky and fiercely independent offspring. Since so many toddler behaviors begin appearing late in the first year, you’ll be able to glean some tips for tackling toddlerhood in this chapter. But for much more help on many more topics, read What to Expect the Toddler Years.
Try to avoid making value judgments about different types of skills or roles in life. If, for example, you give your children the impression that child care is a job that commands low respect, neither boys nor girls will come to value it as adults. If you give them the idea that going to an office to work is somehow more worthwhile than working as a full-time parent or working in a nonoffice environment, they won’t value the latter choices, either.
Divide family chores according to abilities, interests, and time, rather than according to a
preconceived stereotype or in order to break such a stereotype. That means the best cook should do most of the cooking (the other partner can do the dishes and clean up), and the best bookkeeper should take care of the finances. Jobs no one wants to do can be rotated, apportioned by
agreement, or relegated on the spur of the moment (“Honey, can you take out the garbage,
please?”), but this latter system can fail miserably unless it’s carefully monitored (as when nobody takes out the garbage).
Set an example. Decide which qualities in both males and females you and your spouse value most, and try to cultivate them in yourselves as well as in your children. Young children develop their gender identity partly through play with those of their own sex and partly through identification with the parent of the same sex. Again, dolls won’t teach a little boy as much about nurturing as a nurturing daddy (or other important man in his life) will. A bat and ball are less likely to
encourage a little girl to develop her physical aptitude than a mother who jogs every day.
SWITCHING TO A BED
“We’re expecting a second baby in six months. When and how should we switch our son from his crib to a bed?”
Whether or not your child is ready for a bed depends more on his age, size, development, and spirit of adventure than on whether or not there’s a new sibling on the way. The generally accepted rule: if a child is 35 inches tall or can climb out of a crib on his own (or has tried and almost succeeded), he’s ready for a bed. Some particularly agile children can climb out of a crib before they reach the 35-inch cutoff; others, less daring, may never even try. (Even a child who’s taller than 35 inches but is
perfectly content in his crib—and isn’t trying to escape it—doesn’t have to move out until he’s ready.)
Since your older child will still be very young when your new baby is born, it’s unlikely that he will be ready for the big move into a “big boy” bed. Even if he is, he may feel displaced if you switch him out just as the new baby arrives. A better idea might be to move him now to a crib that can
convert to a junior bed when he’s ready.
USING A PILLOW
“I haven’t given my baby a pillow or a blanket in her crib because of the risk of SIDS. But now that she’s eleven months old, I’m wondering if it’s safe to let her sleep with them.”
For you, a bed might not be a bed without a pillow (or two or three) to rest your head on, and a fluffy comforter to cuddle beneath. But for a baby who has slept flat and uncovered on the mattress since birth, pillows and blankets aren’t an issue—what she doesn’t know can’t bother her or keep her up at night. And that’s just as well. While the time of greatest risk for suffocation and SIDS has passed, most experts advise not handing out a pillow until your baby moves to a bed, or somewhere between eighteen and twenty-four months. By then, even the slight remaining risk is gone. Another piece of advice you might consider sleeping on: Some experts say sleeping flat is better for everyone—baby and adult.
As for the blanket, the same advice holds true—later is better than sooner. Though some parents start tucking in their babies with a blanket closer to twelve months, most experts advise holding off until at least midway through the second year. The risk of using a blanket, especially with an active baby, is less of suffocation and more that she might get tangled up in the blanket when she stands up in the crib, leading to falls, bruises, and frustration. Many parents opt instead for the one-piece footed pajamas on top of lightweight cotton ones to keep their babies warm on cold nights.
When you do decide to throw in the pillow and blanket, don’t let your preference for fluffy bed accessories guide your selection. Choose a “toddler” pillow that’s smaller and very flat and a blanket that is lightweight.
WATCHING TV
“I feel very guilty because I have begun turning on a cartoon for my child when I start to prepare dinner. She seems to love it, but I’m concerned she’ll become addicted to TV.”
You’re not the only one who’s concerned—most experts are, too. According to Nielsen Media Research, children two to twelve years of age watch an average of twenty-five hours of television a week. If your daughter’s viewing falls into that average range, she will have spent 15,000 hours glued to the set by the time she graduates from high school—about 4,000 more hours than she will have spent in school. If her viewing isn’t carefully screened, she will, research suggests, have witnessed 18,000 murders, countless robberies, rapes, bombings, and beatings, and more casual sex than you could imagine. She will also have been the innocent target of 350,000 commercials trying to sell her (and through her, you) products of sometimes dubious value.
Excessive TV viewing by children has other drawbacks. It’s linked to obesity, poor school performance, and an increased risk of developing attention problems later on. Because it can reduce interaction among family members (particularly if it’s turned on during mealtimes or if children have TVs in their rooms), it can also promote a communication gap. Perhaps worst of all, it can create a picture of the world that is distorted and inaccurate and confuse a child’s developing value system by establishing norms of behavior and belief that are not accepted in the real world.
Programming designed for children is, of course, much better for kids than programming designed for older viewers. Though there’s still plenty that’s unworthy of the young viewers it is meant to attract, programming for children is a lot better than it used to be, thanks to the efforts of watchdog agencies. Most programming geared to the youngest audiences is high quality, offering a good dose of education along with its entertainment value. Many shows (especially on PBS, but also on other
networks) strive to teach not just numbers and letters but such positive values as sharing, cooperation, self-control, racial tolerance, environmental awareness, and kindness toward others. Some also have an interactive component, making television viewing somewhat less of a passive activity.
There has been little research done on the effect of television on babies and toddlers, largely since it’s so difficult to do (since children this age have very rudimentary vocabularies, it’s very hard to determine what, if anything, they’re gaining from television viewing). Still, based on what they do know, many experts—including those at the American Academy of Pediatrics—concur that even the best that television has to offer isn’t very good for one-year-olds. The AAP recommends that parents hold off on television viewing for children under two. Before then, babies and toddlers need and appear to benefit most from person-to-person interaction with a parent or other care provider—the kind of interaction that helps make those critical brain connections, the kind of interaction that nurtures a child’s social, emotional, and intellectual development. Though television may promote learning, it doesn’t allow young children to learn from experience and hands-on explorations, which is how they learn best.
Probably the greatest potential problem with plunking your baby down in front of the television is how easily it can become a habit. Not so much for your baby (who at this age can still be swiftly distracted by any number of other activities), but for you. Many harried parents use the TV as a baby-
sitter, and though it’s completely understandable (TV can keep a young child engaged—and in one spot—while mom or dad fixes dinner, catches up on e-mail, or talks on the phone), and perhaps sometimes unavoidable, it’s not wise to do it on a regular basis. It’s just too easy for those “five minutes while I empty the dishwasher” to lapse into twenty, then a half hour, then an hour, and then … you get the picture. Besides, experts strongly advise that if a young child does watch television, she’s much better off watching it side by side with a parent—who can make the experience more
educational and interactive by asking questions, pointing out images, discussing themes—something that’s not possible when the parent’s using TV to baby-sit.
Some families will decide that waiting until a child is two to introduce the television just isn’t realistic (especially when there are older siblings in the home). Whenever television does become a part of your child’s life, try to set strict limits from the start. A single noncommercial show of
redeeming value is plenty to begin with. Avoid keeping the television on for your own entertainment during your child’s waking hours, especially during mealtimes, when family interaction can be lost to its mesmerizing effect. Though it won’t always be practical, watch alongside her whenever you can, reinforcing what she sees on the screen—much as you would reinforce what she sees on a page during story time.
Rather than relying on TV as your toddler’s only audiovisual entertainment, turn also to audiotapes and CDs; they require visual imagination (something television doesn’t), stimulating creativity and, when they’re musical, providing opportunities for self-expression through song and dance.
And if you need another reason to avoid or limit television watching now, here’s one: It will never again be easier to do. The first two years are about the only time you’ll be able to avoid
struggles over television with your child. Once your toddler reaches preschool—and the influences of peers in more television-lenient households—the age of media innocence will be over for good.
SOFTWARE FOR BABIES
“I’ve seen CD-ROMs in the stores geared specifically for babies. Should I start my son on computer games already?”
In a culture where preschoolers who can’t yet read are likely to be at least as computer literate as their parents, it was only a matter of time before software use trickled down to the diaper set. Yet
“lap-ware,” so called because it’s designed for children so young that they still need to sit on an adult’s lap to see the screen and reach the keyboard, is quickly gaining popularity among parents eager to provide their progeny with the techno head start they never had.
Lapware programs, geared mostly to the nine- to twenty-four-month age group, include such baby- and-toddler-friendly and educational activities as sorting objects, listening to animal sounds, dressing characters, putting together simple puzzles, playing hide-and-seek, and listening to stories. Some software actually allows parents to integrate family photographs and voices into the program, much to the delight of the young participants. Baby keyboards, with large, brightly colored buttons, invite banging away; a ball-and-spinner, easier to manipulate than a mouse, takes into account the limited fine-motor skills of users.
It’s educational, it’s fun, and many young children love it, clamoring for a turn at the computer every chance they get. But lapware is the subject of debate among child development experts. It’s a
debate that’s just heating up, and a debate that’s not liable to end anytime soon, largely because there’s just too little evidence one way or the other about the effects of computer use on infants and toddlers. Much more research needs to be done. In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics is currently on the case, studying the developmental consequences of lapware on the very young.
In the meantime, you’ll need to consider the potential benefits and downsides to lapware before deciding whether it’s time to “wire” your baby. On the plus side, he’ll become familiar with
computers at an early age, which could give him valuable skills to build on, and possibly a technological edge later on (though learning these skills a little later on, in the preschool and
kindergarten years, will probably give him just as much of an edge). Lapware can provide him with a fine-motor workout and, through graphics and games, plenty of the stimulation he craves. It may also promote learning (though probably less than reading to him, playing noncomputer games with him, or sharing a variety of experiences outside of the home with him might). Computer play for babies also taps into their natural desire to mimic others in the household, just as serving dinner from a play kitchen or jabbering into a play telephone would. Finally, because it requires the participation of an adult—or at least, his or her lap—lapware, unlike television (which parents can simply park babies and toddlers in front of) encourages parents and young children to spend “quality time” together, learning and having fun (though, again, such “quality time” can be afforded through numerous technology-free activities).
The downside to feeding your child a diet of computer chips this early in life? For one thing, unlike other kinds of play, computer play (even when it’s educational) doesn’t challenge baby’s brain-power all that much. When he’s putting together a puzzle on the living room floor, he has to visualize how the piece will fit, then turn the piece in his hand to reflect that image, and then manipulate it into the board. When he’s putting together a puzzle on the computer, he can do it by randomly hitting keys on the keyboard, which cause the on-screen action to occur. Creativity isn’t nurtured, either, through lapware. While the scope of your child’s vision on a computer screen is limited to what the software provides, his imagination is limitless when he role-plays with a family of teddy bears or a kid-sized garage full of cars. What’s more, too much time at the computer can limit the opportunity children have to learn critical real-life skills that can’t come from cyber
experiences, such as self-control and getting along with others. Occasional interface with a machine is fine, but what young children really need is interface with people. Though more interactive than television typically is, computer play is still much more passive than other types of play. This makes it particularly inappropriate for an active one-year-old who wants to be (and should be) on the go most of his waking hours, exploring the world up close and personally. Though lapware does guarantee time spent together, some experts suggest that a computer can actually come between a parent and child. According to these experts, one-on-one activities that are free of technological interference—such as reading to your child, dancing or rolling a ball with your child, playing dolly tea party with your child—put a lot more quality in “quality time” than computer use does. Besides, they wonder—what’s the rush?
Until there’s a definite consensus on lapware for babies and toddlers, proceeding with caution may be the best way to proceed. If you do choose to use lapware, keep these guidelines in mind:
Remember the “lap” in lapware. Never strap your baby into a chair and plop him in front of a computer.
Don’t “byte” off more than baby can chew. Limit usage to ten to fifteen minutes at a time. Too much
time spent on the computer can result in too little time spent working on social, emotional,
physical, and intellectual development. It prevents baby from learning the old-fashioned way—by doing. Also beware of forcing a child who has tired of banging on the keyboard—and would prefer to be banging on a junior workbench—to sit still for more computer time than he has the patience or attention span for.
Use it for the right reasons. It’s entertaining, somewhat stimulating, borderline educational. But it won’t raise your baby’s IQ, give him a lasting edge in school, or turn him into a techno-whiz kid.
And certainly if you opt out of the baby-technology craze and reserve your lap time for sessions with Good Night Moon and rounds of “Itsy-Bitsy Spider” (not to mention good, old-fashioned cuddling), don’t worry that you’re depriving your child of the preparation he’ll need to succeed in a wired world. There’s plenty of time to hook him up.
HYPERACTIVITY
“My daughter is on the go all day long—crawling, walking, climbing, always moving. I’m afraid she may turn out to be hyperactive.”
Observing the frenetic pace that the average toddler sets, it’s easy to see why so many parents of one- year-olds wonder the same thing you’re wondering. But not to worry. What seems an abnormally high activity level to someone who has never tried to keep up with a toddler before is much more likely to be a normal one. After many months of frustration, the mobility your child struggled so hard to attain is finally hers. It’s no wonder that she’s a perpetual motion machine—off and running (or toddling, or crawling, or climbing) every chance she gets. As far as she’s concerned, the day’s too short for all the expeditions she wants to take.
This is way too early to worry about true hyperactivity (officially labeled ADHD, or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Such a diagnosis is contemplated only in the early school years when it’s clear that a child’s attention span has not grown appropriately with her. For now, your daughter’s fleeting attention span and propensity for perpetual motion are as appropriate for her age as are messy eating habits. When winding down your perpetual-motion machine becomes necessary at bedtime, a soothing, warm bath and some quiet activities, such as a massage (if she likes it) and a little quiet reading or singing, can do the trick.
NEGATIVISM
“Ever since my son learned to shake his head and say no, he’s been responding negatively to everything—even to things I’m sure he wants.”
Congratulations—your baby is becoming a toddler. And with this transition comes the beginning of a behavior pattern you’re going to see a lot more of, with increasing intensity, in the next year or so:
negativism.
As hard as it is to be on the receiving end of it, negativism is a normal and healthy part of a young child’s development. For the first time, he’s able to be his own person rather than your malleable baby, to exert some power, test his limits, and challenge parental authority. Most importantly, he’s able to express opinions of his very own clearly and distinctly. And the opinion, he’s discovered, that has the most impact is “No!”