Children of smoking parents have considerably more illness than children of nonsmokers, are more likely to die from SIDS, and are more likely to smoke themselves. They are also more likely to be colicky. If you’re a smoker and have had difficulty quitting, seek help from your doctor or join a smoking cessation program or group. A smoke-free environment—and a smoke-free dad—is one of the best gifts you can give your baby.
Which is not to say that every moment you spend with your little one, particularly in the middle of the night, will be one you’ll want to remember (some will pass in such a thick, sleepy fog that you wouldn’t be able to remember them even if you wanted to). Like any job, baby care has its quota of hard work.
Keep in mind, too, next time you walk the floor with your colicky baby, that while baby care now may seem more a chore than a delight, soon the rewards will begin to outweigh the stresses. At first, it will be the smiles and gurgles meant just for you, then a breathless “da-da” when you come through the door, then a finger raised for your kiss to make a boo-boo better. Later, and for years to come, compensation will come in the form of a closer relationship with your child that will not only bring joy but will also make the more difficult times a little easier.
Of course, sometimes both your spouse and you will need a break from child care, so be sure that once in a while there’s a night out for just the two of you.
NOT ENOUGH TIME TO SPEND WITH BABY
“I work long hours, often staying late at the office. I want to spend more time with my new son, but I don’t seem to have any.”
If there was ever something worth making time for, that little baby of yours is it. As terrific a job of parenting as one parent can do, two can do it twice as well. Baby boys who get lots of attention from their fathers are brighter and happier by the time their half-year birthday rolls around than boys who don’t. So it’s not just you who stands to lose if you don’t spend time with your son. (Little girls, too, grow up more confident when they are close to their dads.) Research also shows that children who have active and involved fathers learn better, have higher self-esteem, and are less prone to
depression than those who don’t.
Make more time for your baby, even if it means taking time from other important activities in your
life. Organization may help. Try to dovetail your working hours and your baby’s waking ones. If you don’t have to be in the office until ten, spend the early morning with him. If you don’t get home until eight, see if your spouse can arrange his schedule so that he naps early in the evening, then is up for play time with you before bed (of course, this will cut into time alone with her). Or bring some work home so you can cut out of the office earlier. If a lot of extracurricular activities (whether nighttime meetings or weekend sports) keep you from your baby’s side, cut back on them.
Especially if you’re not able to make a great deal of time for your baby, it’s important to make the most of the time you do have. Wield the baby spoon at breakfast, give the bath at night, take the baby to the playground on Saturday morning.
You can also make time for your baby by including him, when feasible, in your other activities. If you’ve got a few errands to run, strap him in a baby carrier and take him along. If jogging is on your schedule, tuck him in a stroller and increase your aerobic effort by pushing as you go (but don’t jog with him in a baby carrier). And if you’ve got some chores to do or some catch-up work on the computer, prop him securely in a baby seat or tuck him into a baby sling and let him watch as you provide a blow-by-blow description of what you’re doing.
CHAPTER 25
From Only Child to Older Child
When you brought your first child home from the hospital, you were novices at parenting, with a lot to learn about living with and caring for a new baby. Now, as you’re about to bring home your second child, you’re seasoned pros who’ve been there, done that, and lived to tell about it. You know your way around a diaper table (in your sleep), don’t get flustered when the crying starts, aren’t fazed by the sight of an umbilical stump or daunted at the prospect of giving a sponge bath. This time around, it’ll be your first born who will have a lot to learn—and a lot of adjustments to make—as he or she makes that difficult shift from only child to older child. Following the suggestions and tips in this chapter won’t make that transition effortless for your older child (or for you), but it can help to make it smoother.
The best tip of all? Relax. Children take their cues from the adults around them. If you’re anxious about how your child is going to react to a new sibling, your child will be anxious, too.
What You May Be Concerned About
PREPARING AN OLDER CHILD
“We have a two-and-a-half-year-old and we’re expecting another baby. How can we best prepare our first child so she won’t feel threatened?”
Gone are the days when children sat through mysterious talk about cabbage patches and storks.
Today, sibling-to-be preparation is considered nearly as important as childbirth preparation, at least for second-time parents. Instead of being excluded from the excitement that will culminate in the arrival of a new brother or sister, firstborns are often involved in mom’s pregnancy from the early months on.
The first step in preparing your child for the fact that she’s about to become a big sister is to break the news of the pregnancy. Just when and how to do this depends somewhat on her age. From a young child’s perspective, nine months can be nothing short of an eternity, and in the case of your daughter, very close to half of her own life. So that the wait for her sibling won’t be interminable, and because most parents-to-be feel more comfortable sharing the news about their pregnancies once the first
trimester has been passed, you may want to hold off until the end of the third month or the beginning of the fourth to tell her that a baby’s on the way. (If you’re anxious about amnio or other test results, you might even want to wait until you’ve gotten the all-clear.) Just make sure you tell her before she hears it from someone else, or begins to sense that something is wrong or that something’s being kept from her (mom’s feeling sick, tired, and has to go to the doctor; her belly is suddenly swollen; there are unexplained changes going on around the house). Since young children have little concept of the passing of the time, tying the due date to something concrete (“The baby’s coming in the summer, when it’s warm out”) may make it a little more tangible.
How to break the news? Do it honestly, but on her level. Skip over the birds and the bees, the storks and the cabbage patches, and just give her the facts in simple language that she can understand.
In figuring out how much information is enough, and how much is too much, let your daughter be your guide. Always start with the most basic facts, something along the lines of: “We’re going to have a baby. The baby is growing inside of mommy, and when it gets big enough to come out, you’ll have a new brother or sister.” Don’t volunteer more, but be ready to answer follow-up questions as they come. In your answers, consider using the correct terms for body parts—“uterus” or “womb” for baby’s location, “vagina” for baby’s exit route. For help finding the right words, and to make this very hard-to-grasp concept a little more real, read your daughter age-appropriate picture books on the subject.
Once the kitten’s out of the bag, there are a number of steps you can take to make the expected arrival less threatening to the child already in residence—and perhaps even eagerly anticipated:
Make any planned major changes in your child’s life early in the pregnancy if you haven’t had a chance to make them before conception. For example, get her enrolled and settled in a preschool or play group (if this is in your plans, anyway), so that she’ll have an out-of-home experience to escape to once the baby’s arrived and won’t feel she’s being displaced because of the baby. Begin toilet training her (if she’s ready) or weaning her from the bottle now (if you haven’t done this yet), rather than just after your new baby’s birth. Any significant changes not made within a month or two of the baby’s due date should probably be postponed until a couple of months after the birth, if possible.
Get your child used to spending a little less time alone with mom. Initiate (or continue) some regular father-first-born fun activities (Sunday morning breakfast out, Saturday afternoon at the play group, a Tuesday night “dinner date” at the pizza place). If mom’s always in charge of bedtime, now might be a good time to start switching off (you can continue to switch off once baby’s born, to make sure you both get plenty of one-on-one with her, and plenty with the new baby). Start leaving her with a baby-sitter for short periods during the day, if you haven’t already and will need to after the baby arrives. Be careful, though, not to withdraw too far or too suddenly from your firstborn; she needs to be reassured (through loving actions, not in so many words) that the arrival of a baby won’t mean the loss of either of her parents.
Be honest and open about the physical changes mom’s undergoing. Explain that you’re tired, queasy, or grumpy because “making a baby” is hard work, not because you’re sick or sick of her.
But don’t use the pregnancy as an excuse for not picking her up as much as you used to. Picking up a child is not in any way threatening to your pregnancy unless your doctor has for some reason (such as premature dilatation of your cervix) forbidden it. If you can’t pick her up because your back is killing you, blame your back, not the baby (which might set the stage for sibling rivalry), and give her extra hugs from a sitting position. If you need to lie down more often, suggest she lie down with you and nap, read a story, or watch TV together.
Introduce your child to the new baby while it’s still in the uterus. Show her month-by-month pictures of fetal development that seem appropriate for her age (again, a picture book is ideal).
Explain that as the baby grows so will mommy’s tummy, and that when the baby is big enough it will be ready to come out. As soon as kicks are easily seen and felt by outsiders, let her
experience the baby’s movements herself. Encourage her (but don’t push her if she resists) to kiss, hug, sing, and talk to the baby. When referring to the baby, call it “our baby” or “your baby” to give her a sense that it belongs to her as well as to you. If you haven’t learned the sex of the baby through ultrasound or amniocentesis, make a game out of guessing whether a brother or sister is on
the way.
Take your child to at least one or two prenatal visits (and if she seems interested and isn’t disruptive, take her to all of them) so she will feel like more than a player in the unfolding
pregnancy drama. Explain that these visits are like checkups for the baby, and that just like at her doctor’s checkups, the doctor (or midwife) will be measuring the baby to see how much it’s grown and listening to the baby’s heartbeat. Hearing the heartbeat for herself will help make the baby more of a reality for her. If an ultrasound photograph has been taken, show her that, too. But be sure to bring a snack and a book or favorite toy to the practitioner’s office in case of a long wait or a waning attention span. And if she decides she doesn’t care for a return visit, don’t push her to go.
Involve your child in any baby preparations she shows interest in. Let her help you pick out furnishings, a layette, and toys. Go through her old toys and baby clothes together (this will also help her understand the concept of growth) to select items which might be recyclable, but don’t pressure her to hand down anything until she wants to. Making her the official present opener for the baby (since babies are too little to open their own presents), will help her feel less jealous of the windfall baby is receiving. So will explaining that all babies get lots of presents when they’re born, because it’s like their “birth day,” and that she did, too.
Familiarize your child with babies in general. Show her photos of herself as a baby, and tell her what she was like (be sure to include some stories that will show her how much she’s grown up since then). If possible, take her to a hospital nursery to look at the newborns (so she will know they aren’t as cute as older babies). If you have friends with small babies, arrange for the two of you to spend some time with them. Point out babies every-where—in supermarkets, in the park, in picture books. So that she’ll be prepared for reality, explain that babies do very little besides eat, sleep, and cry (which they do a lot of), and that they don’t make good playmates for quite a while.
If you’re planning to nurse, explain that baby will drink milk from mommy’s breasts (just as she did, if she did), and if you have a friend who is nursing, arrange a casual visit at feeding time. A picture book that gives the lowdown on new babies can also help.
Play up the perks of being a big sister and of being big in general. The more appealing you make the role of big sibling sound, the more she’ll look forward to taking it on. Explain all the things that the baby won’t know how to do that she’ll eventually help teach her. Make a list together of all the things that babies are too young to do that big kids can, like swing on the swings, play with friends, and eat ice cream.
In trying to prepare your child, don’t raise issues that may never materialize. For instance, don’t tell her, “Don’t worry, we’ll love you just as much as the new baby,” or “We’ll still have plenty of time for you.” These kinds of comments can bring up concerns that she might not even have thought of yet about how well she’ll be able to compete with her new sibling for your love and attention.
If you’re planning to have your older child vacate a crib for her expected sibling, do it several months in advance of your due date. If she’s not ready for a bed, buy her another crib—preferably one that can convert to a junior bed. (Or let her stay put and buy or borrow a crib for the new arrival.) If you’ll be moving her to a different room, do this, too, well in advance, and have her help with the decor and furnishings. Put the emphasis on her graduating to a new bed or new room because she is growing up, rather than on her being displaced from the old by the baby.
If you have a car and your older child has been sitting in the middle backseat, move her car seat to a side backseat now; if she’s big enough (see page 59), put her in a belt-positioning booster. Put a doll in a rear-facing infant seat in the middle seat for a few weeks before baby’s due to accustom her to a travel companion.
Try out names you’re considering on your child, involving her in the selection process. Helping to name the baby will help make her feel closer to him or her. (Of course, it probably wouldn’t be smart to give your preschooler complete creative control over the process. You’ll have to make the final determination, unless you want your second child named Big Bird or Tinky-Winky.) If there’s a sibling class available in your neighborhood—some hospitals offer them—enroll your
child. It’s important for her to know that there are other children in the same spot that she’s in—
about to become a big brother or sister to a new sibling.