WHEN YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN

Một phần của tài liệu Heidi murkoff sharon mazel arlene eisenbe hathaway what to expect the first year (v5 0) (Trang 736 - 739)

Whether you are a single mother (or father) by choice or by circumstance, whether you’re on your own for the foreseeable future or just until your spouse returns from a long business trip or ships back from overseas duty, being the sole parent—and possibly the sole provider—for your baby is at least twice the work, twice the responsibility, and twice the challenge of shared parenting. It can also be isolating, especially when you see couples caring for their babies together (he’s closing up the stroller while she carries the baby onto the bus), while you care for yours on your own (you’re struggling to close up the stroller while you carry the baby onto the bus). It can be lonely, particularly when it’s two in the morning and you’ve been walking the floor with a crying baby for an hour and a half, with no one to hand him or her off to. And it can be frustrating when you read magazines and books (including this one) that offer tip after tip about lightening a new mother’s load by “depending on dad.”

The fact is that there are no easy tips for how to lighten a new mother’s load when she’s carrying the load by herself. The tips in this chapter apply doubly to you. Also, check out the numerous online resources available for single parents, including:

www.singleparentcentral.com; www.parentswithoutpartners.org; www.singlerose.com; www.singleparents.org; www.makinglemonade.com; www.single mothersbychoice.com.

Remember, too, that though being your child’s only parent can be twice as challenging, it can also be twice as rewarding, with a bond between the two of you that is at least twice as strong and twice as special. In other words, more than worth that extra effort.

Your baby is forgiving. Forget to change her diaper before a feeding. Let soap drip into her eye during her shampoo. Get a T-shirt stuck halfway over her head. Your baby will forgive and forget these and a multitude of other minor mishaps—as long as she gets the message that you love her loud and clear.

The ultimate rewards are unparalleled. Think of parenthood as a long-term project, with results that will be unfolding in the months and years ahead. When you see your baby’s first smile, watch her reach for a toy, laugh out loud, pull herself up, say “Mommy, I love you,” you will know that your efforts have paid off, and that you have indeed accomplished something very special.

DOING THINGS RIGHT

“I’m so worried that I’m going to make a wrong move that I spend hours researching every little decision I make about my baby. I want to make sure I do everything right for her, but I’m driving myself and my spouse crazy.”

No parent can do everything right. In fact, all parents make their share of mistakes—mostly little ones, occasionally bigger ones—in raising their children. And it’s through making a few mistakes and learning from them (at least some of the time) that you become a more effective parent. Keep in mind, too, that since all parents and babies are different, what’s right on target for one set may in some cases be way off base for another.

Even reading all the literature and consulting all the experts won’t always give you all the

answers. Getting to know your baby and yourself and learning to trust your instincts and good sense is often a better route to making decisions you both can live with. It’s true, for example, that some

babies love to be snugly swaddled, but if yours cries whenever she’s wrapped up tightly in a receiving blanket, consider that she would rather be free to kick up her heels. The experts may tell you young babies like to listen to high-pitched coos, but if yours clearly responds more positively to a deep voice, come down an octave. Trust yourself and your baby—you may not always be right, but you won’t go too far wrong.

ACHES AND PAINS

“I’ve been having backaches and a nagging pain in my neck, arm, and shoulder ever since our son was born.”

New parents don’t have to hang out at the local gym to do their share of weight lifting—all they have to do is carry a growing baby and an overstuffed diaper bag around all day. But in addition to

building muscles, carting this heavy load can also trigger a variety of aches and pains in the neck, arms, wrists, fingers, shoulders, and backs of moms and dads—especially if it’s done the wrong way.

As long as you remain your son’s major source of transportation and comfort, you’ll be pumping plenty of baby. To minimize the aches and pains:

Take it off. If you haven’t yet taken off all of your pregnancy weight, try, gradually, to do so now.

Excess weight puts unnecessary strain on your back.

Work out. Exercise regularly, concentrating on those exercises that strengthen the abdominal muscles (which support the back) and those that strengthen the arms.

Assume a comfortable position for feeding baby. Don’t slouch, and be sure your back is supported

—if you can’t slide all the way to the back of the chair, tuck a pillow behind you. Use pillows or armrests, as needed, to support your arms as you hold baby and direct breast or bottle. And don’t cross your legs.

Lift and bend smart. You’ll be doing more lifting (of baby and baby paraphernalia) and bending (to pick up all those toys strewn on the floor) than ever before. It pays to do it the right way. When lifting baby, put the weight of the load on your arms and legs rather than on your back. Bend at the knees, with your feet shoulder-width apart, not at the waist. And keep your wrists straight when picking up your baby.

Sleep smart. Sleep on a firm mattress, or put a board under an overly soft one. A mattress that sags in the middle will have you sagging, too. Lie on your back or side with your knees bent.

Get a step up. Don’t stretch to reach high places; stand on a ladder or foot-stool instead.

Listen to your mother. Remember all the times she told you, “Don’t slouch. Stand up straight!”

You’d be smart to follow that advice now, being extra conscious of your posture. Walk, sit, and lie with your buttocks tucked under, abdomen tilted inward (this is called a “pelvic tilt”), and keep your shoulders back instead of slouched.

Make adjustments. If you push a carriage or stroller, be sure the handles are at a comfortable height for you. If they aren’t, see if you can have them adjusted, or if they’re too short, buy extenders.

Do a lot of switching. If one shoulder starts to ache from the weight of the diaper bag, periodically switch shoulders, carry the bag in the crook of your arm for a while, or opt for a backpack. Switch baby from arm to arm, too, rather than always relying on the same one. Instead of walking the floor all night with your colicky baby, alternate time spent rocking in your arms to time spent rocking in an infant swing.

Use a baby carrier or sling—whichever seems easier on your back—to give your aching arms a break.

Turn on the heat. A heating pad or a warm bath can spell relief from muscle discomfort and spasms.

Take a seat. Try not to stand for long periods of time. If you must stand, keep one foot on a low stool with your knee bent. Use a small rug as a cushion underfoot if you’re often standing on a hard-surfaced floor.

RETURN OF MENSTRUATION

“I weaned my daughter two months ago and I still haven’t gotten a period. Shouldn’t I have by now?”

There aren’t any sure formulas for calculating when a nursing mother will resume her periods—and there’s a wide range of normal. Some women produce enough estrogen to begin menstruating again even before they’ve weaned their babies, occasionally as early as six weeks to three months

postpartum. But others, particularly those who have breastfed for a long time, nursed exclusively, or had irregular menstrual periods before pregnancy, will have a vacation from menstruation until several months after they’ve weaned. Chances are you’re just lucky enough to fall into this group. Be sure, however, that you’re eating enough and haven’t been losing weight too quickly; strenuous

dieting, especially when combined with strenuous exercise, can temporarily stall the return of the menstrual cycle. And mention the situation to your practitioner at your next checkup, which will probably be scheduled some time after the sixth month postpartum. (See box, next page, for more on postpartum periods.)

Keep in mind that just because you’re not getting your period doesn’t mean you can’t get pregnant (it’s possible to ovulate before your first postpartum period). See page 692 for information on more reliable means of contraception.

“My first period after the pregnancy was really heavy and painful. Can something be wrong?”

Your cycle’s been on hiatus for probably a year or longer, so it’s not surprising it has a few kinks to work out on its return. In fact, most women find that their first postpartum period is different from prepregnancy periods. Often it’s heavier, crampier, and longer, though occasionally it’s lighter and shorter. Cycles may be irregular, too, for at least a few months. Once your body gets used to ovulating and menstruating again—and once hormone levels finally get back to prepregnancy levels—your periods will almost certainly return to business as usual. One plus you can probably look forward to:

Many women find their periods eventually become less painful and less heavy after they’ve delivered a baby.

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