5 Your psycho husband is torturing my little brother." Nic, addressing Karen, who has just entered the room, is standing near me with his arms on his hips It is a rainy morning on the day he heads to Los Angeles I am brushing out a matted tangle in Jasper's hair, and Jas is shrieking as if I am pulling out his fingernails with pliers Nic, who after a shower is wrapped in a blue towel, dons an orange parka, steps into a large pair of green garden boots by the front door, and snaps on a pair of the little kids' dress-up driving goggles He brandishes a wooden spoon "Unhand that knave," he says to me To Jasper, he says, "Oh, the wretched, wretched sorrow of your plight, my lovely brother Oh, the unfairness The cruelty." Into the spoon he then sings, "My Gallant Crew, Good Morning," from HMS Pinafore, further distracting Jasper, who allows me to finish brushing his hair Nic, who has already packed, says his goodbyes Jasper and Nic do their secret handshake, a complicated ritual: a normal shake, their hands skimming off each other and clasping together, Nic's fist tapping the top of Jasper's, and then the reverse, another clasping shake from which the two hands slide slowly apart, and ending with their forefingers pointing toward each other while in unison they say, "You!" Jasper cries "No, Nicky, I don't want you to go." They hug and then Nic kisses baby Daisy on the forehead He and Karen hug again "Sputnik, old buddy, have a great summer," she says "I'll miss you, KB." "Write me." "Write back." Driving to the airport, I take the scenic route along Ocean Beach rather than drive through the city Nic stares at the rough sea At the United terminal, I park the car in the garage and walk with Nic to the counter, where he checks his suitcase We say our goodbyes at the gate Nic says, "Everything." I respond, "Everything." Saying goodbye at the airport cuts a new slice into my heart each time, but I put up a good show because I don't want him to feel worse than he already does After he boards, I watch through the glass wall as the massive metal shell containing him pulls away from the gate and takes off Though it may be the best we can do, I loathe joint custody It presupposes that children can do just as well when they are divided between two homes, each defined by a different parent and different step-parents and sometimes step-siblings and a jumble of expectations, discipline, and values that often contradict one another "Home is a holy thing," Emily Dickinson said But homes is an antilogy How many adults can imagine having two primary homes? For children, home is even more important, the psychological as well as physical cradle of development, the brick-and-mortar incarnation of all that their parents represent: stability, safety, and the rules of life The week after Nic leaves, I interview a renowned child psychologist named Judith Wallerstein, who founded the Judith Wallerstein Center for the Family in Transition in Marin County, not far from Inverness, for a magazine article She gained international attention when she brought sobering news to divorce-happy post-60s America Before that time, divorce was difficult, stigmatized, and rarer, but changing mores and no-fault split-ups made it easy and common It was a liberating change for many adults—societal conventions no longer confined people to bad marriages The general assumption, mostly based on wishful thinking, was that children would be happier if their parents were But Dr Wallerstein discovered that in many cases, they were traumatized She began her interviews with two- to seventeen-year-olds whose parents had divorced in the early 1970s She found that the children were having a difficult time coping with the breakups, but she assumed that the strains would be short-lived She met these children for a second interview more than a year later Not only had they not recovered, but they were doing worse Wallerstein followed the children every few years for the next twenty-five years In her series of books, she reports her findings— that more than one-third of these kids experienced moderate to severe depression and a significant number were troubled and underachieving Many struggled to establish and maintain relationships No one wanted to hear the message, and the messenger was attacked Feminists said that Wallerstein was part of the backlash against women, in effect telling them to go back home, stay married, and take care of their children Her work was appropriated by various special interest groups, including the conservative new right, who used it to "prove" their arguments about traditional family values— and to attack single parents and nontraditional families Men's rights groups praised her for emphasizing the importance of fathers in children's lives and attacked her when she said that some forms of joint custody seemed to be harming children But her work reverberated throughout the country, influencing courts, legislatures, therapists, and parents Her books were bestsellers, and they are still used as a bible by many judges and therapists Some judges assign Wallerstein's books to divorcing parents I meet Dr Wallerstein at her wood-shingle house in Belvedere, overlooking the bay and Sam's Grill on the Tiburon waterfront She is diminutive with silver hair, gentle crystal-blue eyes, precisely dressed When I ask her about joint custody, particularly longdistance joint custody like Nic's, she tells me that she has observed young boys and girls who, upon returning from one home to the other, wander from object to object—table to bed to sofa—touching them to affirm that they are still there The absent parent may well seem even more elusive than the furniture As children grow older, though they no longer require tactile proof, they may incorporate a sense that both of their homes are illusory and impermanent Also, while young children may suffer when joint custody keeps them apart from a parent for too long, frequent transitions, especially when parents live far apart, may harm older ones Dr Wallerstein explains, "Going back and forth made it impossible for children to enjoy activities with other children Teenagers complained bitterly about having to spend their summers with parents instead of with friends." She concludes: "You'd like to think that these kids could simply integrate their lives between their two homes, have two sets of peers, and easily adjust to being with each parent, but most children do not have the flexibility They begin to feel as if it's a flaw in their character when it is simply impossible for many people to conduct parallel lives." For many families, summer vacation is a respite from the stresses of the school year, devoted to time together I just want to get through it as fast as possible Nic and I speak regularly on the telephone He tells me about the movies he sees, the ball games he plays, a bully on a playground, a new friend, the books he reads It is quieter when he is in LA, but even the fun of the new baby is tempered by a low-grade melancholia We never get used to him being gone We make the best of the times we have with him He comes up for two weeks and we cram in as much surfing, swimming, kayaking, and other fun as possible We go to San Francisco to hang out with our friends In the evenings, Nic plays with the little kids or we talk His reenactments of movies have long been regular evening entertainment Nic's impressions are precise De Niro: "You talkin' to me?" Not only the line, but the entire Taxi Driver scene And Tom Cruise—"Show me the money"—and Mr T—"I pity da fool " He does Jack Nicholson in The Shining, "He-e-e-e-re's Johnny," and, impeccably, Dustin Hoffman's Rain Man And Schwarzenegger: "Hasta la vista, baby"; "Chill out, dickwad"; "I'll be back"; "Come with me if you want to live." Possibly his best is Clint Eastwood: "You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?" We also visit Nic in Los Angeles on our predetermined weekends, picking him up and driving north to Santa Barbara or south to San ... No one wanted to hear the message, and the messenger was attacked Feminists said that Wallerstein was part of the backlash against women, in effect telling them to go back home, stay married, and take care of their children... rarer, but changing mores and no-fault split-ups made it easy and common It was a liberating change for many adults—societal conventions no longer confined people to bad marriages The general assumption, mostly based on wishful thinking, was that children... used it to "prove" their arguments about traditional family values— and to attack single parents and nontraditional families Men's rights groups praised her for emphasizing the importance of fathers in children's lives and attacked her when she said that some forms of