include, as a symptom, the willing participation of the victim? Each time Nic does speed, he makes a choice (Doesn't he?) Smokers may bring on their lung cancer, but otherwise cancer patients are not responsible for their condition Drug addicts are (Aren't they?) The lecturer explains that addiction is genetic, at least the predisposition to addiction That is, Nic's genes are partly to blame, the potent mix of his ancestry: my dark-complexioned forebears, Russian Jews, mixed with his mother's fair Southern Methodists Vicki's father died of alcoholism, so we didn't have to look far in the family tree, though no one really knows exactly how the predisposition is passed down Roughly 10 percent of people have it, the speaker says If they do, drugs or alcohol "activates" the disease "A switch is turned on," she says Once it's activated it cannot be deactivated Pandora's box cannot be closed A man interrupts "You're letting people off the hook," he says "No one forced my son to go to his drug dealer, to score, to cook up meth, to inject heroin, to rob us, to rob a liquor store and his grandparents." "No," she answers "No one did He did it himself But nonetheless he has an illness It's a tricky illness Yes, people do have choices about what to do about it It's the same with an illness like diabetes A diabetic can choose to monitor his insulin levels and take his medication; an addict can choose to treat his disease through recovery In both cases, if they don't treat their illnesses, they worsen and the person can die." "But," the same man interjects, "a diabetic does not steal, cheat, lie A diabetic doesn't choose to shoot up heroin." "There's evidence that people who become addicted, once they begin using, have a type of compulsion that cannot be easily stopped or controlled," she says "It's almost like breathing It's not a matter of willpower They cannot just stop on their own or they would No one wants to be an addict The drug takes a person over The drug, not a person's rational mind, is in control We teach addicts how to deal with their illness through ongoing recovery work It's the only way People who say they can control it don't understand the nature of the disease, because the disease is in control." No, I think Nic is in control No, Nic is out of control After the presentation, there are questions and answers Then we meet in another room We sit in a circle of chairs Another circle We are becoming used to these surreal circular gatherings of parents and children and significant others of addicts We take turns introducing ourselves, sharing abridged versions of our stories They are all different—different drugs, different lies, different betrayals—but the same, dreadful and heartbreaking, all laced with intense worry and sadness and palpable desperation We are dismissed for lunch, to dine with our family member in the program Nic wanders shakily down a hallway toward us He is pallid, moving slowly, as if each step causes searing pain He seems genuinely happy to see us He gives us warm hugs, holding on to each of us for a long time His cheek presses against mine We choose sandwiches wrapped in plastic and pour coffee into plastic mugs and carry them on trays to an empty bench outside on the balcony After taking a bite of his sandwich and then pushing it away, Nic explains his lassitude He has been given sedatives to aid in the come-down process He says that the medication is distributed twice each day by "Nurse Ratched"—he impersonates Louise Fletcher in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest "If Mr McMurphy doesn't want to take his medication orally," he says, with a drawl accompanied by a menacing look, "I'm sure we can arrange that he can have it some other way." He chortles, but it's a weak performance; he is too sedated to put much verve into it After lunch, he shows us his room, with twin single beds and nightstands and a small round table with two chairs It looks comfortable, like a modest hotel room Indicating the bed by one wall, he tells us about his roommate "He's a great guy," Nic says "He was a chef A drunk He's married with a baby Look " He picks up a photograph in a bamboo frame on the bedside table An angelic baby girl, around two years old, and her mother, a beauty with a churned-up sea of yellow curls and a light-filled smile "She told him this is his last chance," Nic says "If he doesn't stay sober, she'll leave him." On Nic's bedside table is the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book and a stack of recovery literature There is a small closet and a dresser into which he stashed the small pile of his folded clothes we brought along Next he guides us onto the balcony, which looks out over vineyards "I'm so sorry about everything," he blurts I look at Karen We do not know what to say 13 Another weekend in wine country The morning lecture is on the "addicted family"—that is, us "I probably don't have to tell you that this is a disease that affects families, too," the speaker, a program counselor, begins "They don't sleep, they don't eat, they become ill They blame themselves They feel rage, overwhelming worry, shame Many people keep their suffering to themselves If your child had cancer, the support from your friends and family would flood in Because of the stigma of addiction, people often keep it quiet Their friends and family may try to be supportive, but they may also communicate a subtle or unsubtle judgment." Apparently the family dynamics are predictable, illustrated in a mobile that hangs from a ceiling on one side of the lectern Pointing to the mobile, the speaker explains all of our roles with disturbing accuracy Hanging in the center is a paper-doll figure, which represents the addict Smaller dolls float around the central figure The figures dangling off to the side represent the kids and Karen, on the periphery, helpless, but inextricably tied to the moods and whims and drug-taking of the central figure Another figure hangs somewhat precariously between them—me I am an enabler, propping Nic up; making excuses for him; bending over backward to care for him; trying to protect Karen and Jasper and Daisy from him, and yet also trying to keep them all connected to one another "It's not your fault," says the speaker "That's the first thing to understand There are addicts who were abused and addicts who from ... McMurphy doesn't want to take his medication orally," he says, with a drawl accompanied by a menacing look, "I'm sure we can arrange that he can have it some other way." He chortles, but it's a weak performance; he is too sedated to put... different—different drugs, different lies, different betrayals—but the same, dreadful and heartbreaking, all laced with intense worry and sadness and palpable desperation We are dismissed for lunch, to dine with our family member in the program Nic wanders shakily down a hallway toward us... Indicating the bed by one wall, he tells us about his roommate "He's a great guy," Nic says "He was a chef A drunk He's married with a baby Look " He picks up a photograph in a bamboo frame on the bedside table