Beautiful Boy A Father's Journey Through His Son's Addiction David Sheff HOUGHTON MIFFLIN COMPANY Boston · New York 2008 Copyright © 2008 by David Sheff ALL RIGHTS RESERVED For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to Permissions, Houghton Mifflin Company, 215 Park Avenue South, New York, New York 10003 www.houghtonmifflinbooks.com Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Sheff, David Beautiful boy : a father's journey through his son's addiction / David Sheff p cm ISBN-13: 978-0-618-68335-2 ISBN-10: 0-618-68335-6 Drug abuse—Treatment—California Methamphetamine abuse—Treatment —California Children of divorced parents—California I Title HV5831.C2S54 2006 362.29'9—dc22 [B] 2006026981 Book design by Melissa Lotfy Printed in the United States of America MP 10 987654 321 This book is for the women and men who have dedicated their lives to understanding and combating addiction at rehabs, hospitals, research centers, sober-living and halfway houses, and organizations devoted to education about drug abuse, as well as the anonymous— the brave ones who keep coming back—at countless twelve-step meetings every day and night throughout the world—to them and their families: the people who understand my family's story because they have lived and are living it, the families of the addicted—their children, brothers and sisters, friends, partners, husbands and wives, and parents like me "It's just that you can't help them and it's all so discouraging," wrote F Scott Fitzgerald But the truth is, you do help them, and you help one another You helped me Along with them, this book is dedicated to my wife, Karen Barbour, and my children, Nic, Jasper, and Daisy Sheff Contents introduction 1 PART 1 stay up late 17 PART II his drug of choice 105 PART III whatever 123 PART IV if only 171 PART V never any knowing 235 epilogue 307 Acknowledgments 319 Resources 321 Credits 325 When you cross the street, Take my hand —JOHN LENNON, "Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy)" Introduction It hurts so bad that I cannot save him, protect him, keep him out of harm's way, shield him from pain What good are fathers if not for these things? —THOMAS LYNCH, "The Way We Are" "Howdy Pop, God, I miss you guys so much I can't wait to see you all Only one more day!!! Woo-hoo." Nic is emailing from college on the evening before he arrives home for summer vacation Jasper and Daisy, our eight- and fiveyear-olds, are sitting at the kitchen table cutting, pasting, and coloring notes and welcome-home banners for his homecoming They have not ... this book is dedicated to my wife, Karen Barbour, and my children, Nic, Jasper, and Daisy Sheff Contents introduction 1 PART 1 stay up late 17 PART II his drug of choice 10 5 PART III whatever 12 3 PART IV if only 17 1 PART V never any knowing 235... This book is for the women and men who have dedicated their lives to understanding and combating addiction at rehabs, hospitals, research centers, sober-living and halfway houses, and organizations devoted to education about drug abuse, as well as the anonymous—... Houghton Mifflin Company, 215 Park Avenue South, New York, New York 10 003 www.houghtonmifflinbooks.com Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Sheff, David Beautiful boy : a father's journey through