It is striking to me how our dual realities once again blur It's probably a vestigial survival mechanism Now, instead of recalling the overwhelming calamity and evil, I am swept up in the loveliness of the children here together and the natural beauty I feel as if we are all being washed clean by the ocean and warm tropical breeze Feeling hopeful about Nic's future, I can tuck the darkness of his addiction away—not to forget it, but I set it aside—and meanwhile appreciate the sublimity A sunset, the clear green water, poetry in the music that plays on CDs in the car—Lennon singing "Julia," Van Morrison's "Astral Weeks." For the moment, evil is at bay The night is filled with the sounds of crickets and mice skittering across the wood floor From their tent with three single beds, we also can hear Nic reading to Jasper and Daisy He has picked up The Witches where he left off more than two years ago After goodbyes at the airport, we board separate jets, Nic for LA, us for San Francisco A week later, I am with Jasper in Point Reyes Station, where we pick up the mail There's a stack of bills, letters from their school with a schedule for the new year, and a letter for Jasper—from Nic Jasper opens the envelope carefully He unfolds the letter and holds it in his hands, reading aloud In his neat script on paper torn out of a notebook, Nic writes, "I'm looking for a way to say I'm sorry more than with just the meaninglessness of those two words I also know that this money can never replace all that I stole from you in terms of the fear and worry and craziness that I brought to your young life The truth is, I don't know how to say I'm sorry I love you, but that has never changed I care about you, but I always have I'm proud of you, but none of that makes it any better I guess what I can offer you is this: As you're growing up, whenever you need me—to talk or just whatever—I'll be able to be there for you now That is something that I could never promise you before I will be here for you I will live, and build a life, and be someone that you can depend on I hope that means more than this stupid note and these eight dollar bills." PART V Never any knowing JOEL How exactly is this going to work tonight? (As Mierzwiak talks, the room colors start to fade Mierzwiak's tone of voice is also affected; it becomes dry and monotonous.) MIERZWIAK We'll start with your most recent memories and go backwards—There is an emotional core to each of our memories—As we eradicate this core, it starts its degradation process—By the time you wake up in the morning, all memories we have targeted will have withered and disappeared Like a dream upon waking JOEL Is there any sort of risk of brain damage? mierzwiak Well, technically, the procedure itself is brain damage, but on par with a heavy night of drinking Nothing you'll ever miss —CHARLIE KAUFMAN, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind 20 My article "My Addicted Son" appears in the New York Times Magazine in February Nic and I both hear from friends and strangers, sharing the feedback Both of us are encouraged, because it seems as if our family's story has touched many people—and, according to some, helped them, especially those who have been through some version of this, or who are going through it now When Nic is asked to write his memoir, he enthusiastically goes forward And the reaction inspires me to want to write more about it —to go deeper Soon I have a book deadline, though I would continue writing without one Writing is enormously painful, and writing this story is sometimes excruciating Writing every day, I go through the emotions I felt at the time of the story I'm remembering I relive the hell But I also relive the moments of hope and miracle and love Later in February, we plan to spend the weekend skiing at Lake Tahoe Nic gets a few days off work so he can join us The kids ski together In the evening, Nic tells them PJ stories by the fire When we talk about it, Nic seems emphatically committed to his sobriety I have learned to check my optimism, but still, it's good to hear Nic discuss the life he is rebuilding and building anew in LA In addition to his book, he is writing short stories and movie reviews for an online magazine It seems so fitting that he's reviewing movies, since they are such a big part of his life Every day in LA, Nic bikes, swims, or runs Sometimes he does all three Nic and Randy ride up and down the coast from Santa Monica They ride through the canyons, up hillsides, through the city, and along beaches When I drive him to the airport after his visit in the mountains, he tells me that he loves his life He uses those words "I love my life." He says that his rides with Randy enliven and sustain him "The high is so so so so much better than drugs ever were," he says "It is the high of a full life Riding, I feel it all." Yes, I am optimistic Do I stop worrying? No It is June 2 A few days before this year's step-up ceremony at Daisy and Jasper's school—she is stepping up to fourth grade, Jasper to sixth Karen and I are home in Inverness Suddenly I feel as if my head is exploding People use this as an expression Not this time I really feel as if my head is exploding "Karen, call 911." She stares at me a minute, doesn't comprehend what I'm saying "Are you " She places the call It takes ten or fifteen minutes for three men, carrying boxes and machines and a stretcher, to arrive They set up near me in the living room They ask questions and perform a preliminary examination while strapping on a blood-pressure and heart monitor They ask which hospital I prefer ... morning, all memories we have targeted will have withered and disappeared Like a dream upon waking JOEL Is there any sort of risk of brain damage? mierzwiak Well, technically, the procedure itself is brain damage, but on par with a heavy night of drinking... —CHARLIE KAUFMAN, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind 20 My article "My Addicted Son" appears in the New York Times Magazine in February Nic and I both hear from friends and strangers, sharing the feedback... People use this as an expression Not this time I really feel as if my head is exploding "Karen, call 911." She stares at me a minute, doesn't comprehend what I'm saying "Are you " She places the call It takes ten or fifteen minutes for three men, carrying boxes and