and heroin "I'm only using Klonopin, Seboxin, Strattera, Xanax." "Only?" He insists that a doctor prescribed them If this is true, I cannot comprehend the difference between him and Nic's other drug dealers Nic says, "I know that on these drugs I'm not 'AA sober,' but that's bullshit anyway I'm sober." "Call me when you're AA sober," I say "We'll talk then." In the morning I check my email before leaving to pick up Jasper from the sleepover Nic's girlfriend has sent an urgent message "He left me at the market this morning to go to his moms said he'd be back in 15 minutes Took my car, my purse is in it with my inhaler He never came back to the market I waited for 4 hours until my friend sent a cab for me "Please call me at [her phone number] Emergency." 25 It is November, but the morning is warm A thin moon still hangs on the daylight Staring at it earlier, Daisy called it a sideways smile Karen has taken Daisy with her to the city, and I AM driving to pick up Jasper from the overnight, having arranged to collect him at the soccer field near the windmill at Golden Gate Park As my car crests Olema Hill, I call Z.'s number She is out of breath, frenetic—angry and worried In this state, she reveals more than she had in her email, explaining that Nic dropped her off at a market in the Palisades at 5:45 am He took her car to his mother's He was going to break in and steal Vicki's computer She says it as if he were going over to borrow sugar Nic had promised to be back in fifteen minutes, but he had not returned for four hours Presuming that he'd been arrested, she called the police, but they had no record of him She is sobbing "What could have happened to him in five blocks from the market to his mother's house?" I tell her what I know from my experience with Nic Every time he disappeared I imagined every possible scenario—that he had been in a fatal accident or, absurdly, been kidnapped—but he had relapsed I ask, "Could he be driving to San Francisco?" "He has no money." "Then he probably went to a dealer in LA." "And just left me on the street?" "For drugs What else can it be?" I tell her that I'll check with Nic's mother and call back The phone awakens Vicki When I explain, she says that Nic hasn't shown up "There's no sign of him," she says In a half-hour, she calls back "He's here He is in the garage He broke in and was robbing us, piling things in shopping bags He got confused and somehow managed to lock himself inside He's panicked and crazed He's ranting." "Tweaking," I clarify By the time I call Z., she has heard from Nic, who called from a telephone in the garage Enraged, she is packing up his clothes "I've had it," she says "If you talk to him, tell him his clothes will be outside on the front porch." Vicki, after discussing it with her husband, tells Nic that he has a choice The police will be called and he will be arrested or he can go back to rehab Driving to get Jasper in the city on the sunny morning, I reel He has broken into his mother's house He is out of his mind Meth again Tweaking Since he relapsed, I have known that something like this was coming, but now the dam bursts and I am flooded with emotion Please God heal Nic Is it too late? Relapse is part of recovery Please heal Nic There's Jasper with his friends on the soccer field When he sees me, he waves and then runs to the car He throws his bag of clothes and sports gear in the backseat and climbs in "We stayed up until midnight having a pillow fight." "Are you exhausted?" "I'm not even tired." He is asleep in minutes With Jas sleeping beside me, I make more phone calls—calls to decide where to send Nic If he agrees to go I call Jace, the director of Herbert House, who knows Nic and cares about him Jace has helped many addicts He knows the rehabs He says that whatever we do, we should get Nic out of LA and in an inpatient program that lasts for a minimum of three or four months, preferably longer He says, "Hazelden is expensive, but it's as good as they come." Hazelden has a four-month program, and so I call the 800 number An intake counselor tells me that there is no bed in the Minnesota location, but there is one in Oregon I am transferred to a counselor there He must speak to Nic, but it seems likely that Nic, if he is willing, can go there Karen's opening is in the city Jack Hanley, the gallery in the Mission, is crowded Daisy, wearing a wool knitted cap, and Jasper, in shorts in spite of a cold wind, play outside with other kids until they leave early with my brother and his family I take a break to get air I walk around the block When Karen first moved in with us, Nic and I lived a few blocks from here We walked this and the neighboring streets for tortillas and mangoes at the Mexican markets On weekends, we would go to Inverness I recall a school holiday in October of that year—1989—when we stopped at the corner market to stock up and then drove out for a night in the country In the afternoon, we met up with a friend for a walk on miles-long Limantour Beach We were hiking under a sapphire sky Suddenly Nic pointed to the nose of a seal that had popped up through the choppy surf Then there was another, then another Soon ten or a dozen seals were peering at us with black eyes, their long necks jutting out of the water Next it was as if someone grabbed the beach and shook it out like an old rug The sand rolled, as wavy as the ocean, up and then down and up again before collapsing We steadied ourselves and tried to take in what had happened An earthquake We headed back to the cabin, where we used a cell phone (the land lines were out) to call our friends and family, making sure that everyone was all right and assuring them that we were The cabin had a generator that powered a few light bulbs and an old black and-white television, on which we watched footage of the devastation in San Francisco, including flattened apartment buildings in the Marina District and cars squashed by a fallen ramp connecting to the Bay Bridge ... In this state, she reveals more than she had in her email, explaining that Nic dropped her off at a market in the Palisades at 5:45 am He took her car to his mother's He was going to break in and steal Vicki's computer... everyone was all right and assuring them that we were The cabin had a generator that powered a few light bulbs and an old black and-white television, on which we watched footage of the devastation in San... Every time he disappeared I imagined every possible scenario—that he had been in a fatal accident or, absurdly, been kidnapped—but he had relapsed I ask, "Could he be driving to San Francisco?" "He has no money."