Healing after loss daily meditations phần 19

MARCH 21 Ah woe is me! Winter is come and gone, But grief returns with the revolving year —PERCY BYSSHE SHELLEY Anniversaries! They continue to plague us Each holiday, the remembrance of what we “used to do”—the spring picnics, the Easter trip, the local fireworks show on the Fourth of July, the family gathering at Thanksgiving And then, of course, the private anniversaries—birthdays, wedding anniversaries, the anniversary of the day of death Sometimes we forget And then wonder, by midafternoon, why we are feeling so low—until we look at the calendar and remember The conscious mind may forget, but the unconscious has a longer memory Over time it will get easier But it’s well to be mindful of anniversaries and realize that on some level we will remember and probably be sad So acknowledge—This is the day Perhaps tell an understanding friend And then—be a little kind to yourself Perhaps plan some diverting activity No need to mourn all day Your loved one wouldn’t want that You won’t forget Next year will come around… I will be free to turn away from my grief when I can Life is not an endurance test MARCH 22 I think I am beginning to understand why grief feels so much like suspense It comes from the frustration of so many impulses that have become habitual…I keep on through habit fitting an arrow to the string; then I remember and have to lay the bow down —C S LEWIS In the first days, weeks, and months, the loss feels like an amputation The nerves twinge as though the limb were still there Particularly if death has come suddenly, these involuntary impulses occur We start to set the old number of places at the table We count over one too many seats at the movies Each time we catch ourselves it jabs like a needle in the heart But after a time—a long time—we may welcome the association as a poignant reminder of happy times shared and not to be forgotten I recall returning home after the death of my daughter and saying to my son, “How can I live in this house? I’ll see her everywhere.” He said, “There may come a time when you’ll be glad.” Now, years later, as I walk through the rooms where she lived with us, I welcome those associations Healing moves at its own pace What is a burden one day may be a gift another day MARCH 23 Let not future things disturb thee, for thou wilt come to them, if it shall be necessary, having with thee the same reason which thou now usest for present things —MARCUS ANTONINUS One of the difficulties we grievers have to contend with is anticipating all those future occasions when we shall be without our loved one What is accomplished by anticipating this anguish? Nothing We can’t foresee which troubles will beset us, and even if we could, are we so eager for them that we want them for company long in advance? Do we think we won’t have then the ability we have now—to deal with a crisis? Presumably we’ll be at least as able then as we are now and we’ll know what to Why not deal with the events and uncertainties of this day? I will stay with the anxieties and cares of today, trusting to the unknown future its unknown cares MARCH 24 A person that never climbs will never fall —WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE Sometimes, devastated as we are by grief at the loss of a loved one, we may wonder, Is it worth it? Would it be wiser not to be so invested in people that when they die we feel our own world is all but destroyed? We know the answer Such a choice would deny what is most richly human in our experience—the ability to make close and intense connections with other human beings No more could a parent keep a child from engaging in any pursuit that might involve danger Of course for children as for adults, there are some pursuits that are so dangerous only the foolhardy are drawn to them, just as there are some relationships so dangerous we enter them at our peril Our life choices waver back and forth across the thin line of unwise involvement on one side and rich human exchange on the other It is a matter calling for wise judgment—to whom we entrust our heart But to hold back from loving and being loved because there is always the danger of losing is like trying to prevent a child from learning to walk because the child might fall The child will fall—and will get up and walk again The risks of loving are worth taking, even the risk of loss MARCH 25 It has been well said that no man ever sank under the burden of the day It is when tomorrow’s burden is added to the burden of today that the weight is more than a man can bear Never load yourselves so, my friends —GEORGE MACDONALD How can we not look ahead to all those days, months, and years when we will be without the one we loved? There are times, surely, when we can’t help ourselves But we don’t have to it all the time Perhaps we can adopt the pattern recommended in the “rational-emotive” approach Allow ourselves a certain half hour of the day when we will give our grief full sway—and even allow ourselves to anticipate the long future without our loved one At other times, when those thoughts come knocking, we turn them away—Not now, this isn’t the time for you Come back at fivethirty—then you can have my full attention When five-thirty comes, we should be as good as our word: if those sad thoughts come rolling in, let them When the half hour is up, inwardly change the subject and busy yourself with something else I am not trying to overlook these feelings of long-term grief—just to keep my life from being inundated by them  ... needle in the heart But after a time—a long time—we may welcome the association as a poignant reminder of happy times shared and not to be forgotten I recall returning home after the death of my... then I remember and have to lay the bow down —C S LEWIS In the first days, weeks, and months, the loss feels like an amputation The nerves twinge as though the limb were still there Particularly... years later, as I walk through the rooms where she lived with us, I welcome those associations Healing moves at its own pace What is a burden one day may be a gift another day MARCH 23 Let not