DECEMBER Be reverent before the dawning day Do not think of what will be in a year, or in ten years Think of today —ROMAIN ROLLAND It is hard, at any time of life, not to be unduly concerned with what lies ahead But when we have lost a loved one, it is doubly hard All the plans and hope we had for a future in which that person continued to figure have to be reshaped Even if the loved person has died in old age, the future still has to be recast If it’s a parent who has died, the remove of that buffer between us and death has its own sobering meaning: How will it be for me, being the older generation? How will it be in ten years—or twenty—when I am “the old person”? Will others be there for me? If one’s child has died, the reversal of sequence in the human drama evokes all kinds of anticipated pain about a future that should have been different And in the meantime, while we are worrying and fretting and feeling sorry for ourselves, life slips away It is a hard discipline to adopt—and we can’t it all the time—but let’s try to greet each day as its own gift—or its own trial if it’s that kind of a day But let’s not bury the sunshine and beauty of this day under the shadow of a regretted future—about whose nature we can only speculate I will look around me now, this minute, and see what my life holds DECEMBER There is a gravitational pull, an endless current which we not recognize which draws us beyond all things and people, but at the same time more deeply and freely into them —EDWARD J FARRELL One of the ambiguous gifts of our suffering (and they are ambiguous: they are gifts, and we would never have chosen them) is that it enlarges our perspective Petty complaints we had seem unimportant People with whom we thought we had nothing in common become special friends Vocational prowess drops down on the list of our life’s priorities; relationships are what matter At the same time that we feel more profoundly and gratefully connected to friends and family, we have a sense that all of us dwell in mystery, that we are connected to earth and sky, to the rhythms of the universe, to the whole range of living things in ways we not understand Maybe I can relinquish my “white knuckle” grip on life, and trust that all will be well DECEMBER I was beginning to better, I thought I was doing better, but a few days ago the holidays just hit me —WIDOW, CONTEMPLATING HER FIRST CHRISTMAS ALONE Memories are always there to hook us, to make the grief fresh again—birthdays, anniversaries, summer vacation—any occasion of “the first time around” without our loved one But the Christmas holidays, the Hanukkah observances, when the whole world seems poised for celebration, are among the most difficult times of year for survivors of loss Each of us has a time-honored list of things “we always do”—go to services, hang the stockings, light the candles, share traditional foods They are part of our identity and our joy in being alive in the world together—and now one of the key people with whom we shared that joy is gone Is it any wonder we cringe from the thought of the holidays? We will get through it, and probably better if we can talk about it with others who are feeling the same loss Reaching out to others (the poor, the lonely, the homeless) for whom this is also a difficult season will help, and will express the deeper meaning of the season I know this will be a hard season for me I will take one day at a time I will acknowledge when grief hovers close And I will try to be open to times when joy may surprise me, too DECEMBER There are seasons of prayer which, though spent amid distractions and tediousness, are yet, owing to a good intention, fruitful to the heart, strengthening it against all temptation —FRANCOIS DE SALIGNAC DE LA MOTHE FÉNELON The temptation for mourners is to despair There are other temptations—to deny, to idealize, to refuse help—just to name a few But despair is certainly readily available, and especially so at this season when everyone is gearing up for holiday celebrations and family get-togethers And if we are trying to keep our hearts and minds “on track” for healing, there are extra difficulties at this time—distractions galore, and too much to We get overtired, and our sadness permeates it all, making the burden heavier Now is a good time to heed the words of the seventeenthcentury author and churchman, Fénelon We can acknowledge the difficulties of the season, what we can to cultivate some inner peace, and trust that we won’t lose our way before the sometime-glad, sometime-sad weeks pass and things quiet down In the flurry of the coming weeks I will try to spend a few minutes each day in prayerful silence—my own particular stay against the emotional and physical tumult of these days DECEMBER What we call mourning for our dead is perhaps not so much grief at not being able to call them back as it is grief at not being able to want to so —THOMAS MANN These are hard words when we are struggling with all the feelings that go with the loss of a loved one The suggestion that there are pluses to his or her being gone may be offensive in the extreme But what Mann is talking about is the ambivalence that attends any relationship, even the most cherished and loving Does this mean we didn’t love the person? No! Or that, if he or she could be well and able, in the balance we wouldn’t want him or her back? In most cases, no (The person might not want to come back, either!) It means that the equations of human relationships are wonderfully complex—as we know when we take an honest look in the mirror To love someone profoundly is to know that person in his or her weakness and strength ... world seems poised for celebration, are among the most difficult times of year for survivors of loss Each of us has a time-honored list of things “we always do”—go to services, hang the stockings,... get through it, and probably better if we can talk about it with others who are feeling the same loss Reaching out to others (the poor, the lonely, the homeless) for whom this is also a difficult... celebrations and family get-togethers And if we are trying to keep our hearts and minds “on track” for healing, there are extra difficulties at this time—distractions galore, and too much to We get overtired,