MARCH 16 It is a sad weakness in us, after all, that the thought of a man’s death hallows him anew to us; as if life were not sacred, too —GEORGE ELIOT There is a way in which, of course, we hallow the dead Their lives, now over, stand in stark relief Death is a time for solemn remembrance, for holding our loved ones at the center of attention, to acknowledge our loss and how much we shall miss them But it is also possible to be so preoccupied with the dead that we neglect the living This is a particular danger when there are young children involved In studies done on the responses of children to death in the family, a sizable number of children reported feeling overlooked and neglected They felt their grief was not acknowledged or attended to This is understandable but unfortunate, and probably easily avoided with a little more sensitivity to how they’re feeling, along with assuring that they feel included in the family’s grief It is no favor to children—or to anyone close in the family—to try to “spare” them by keeping them at a distance They—and all of us—need hugs and reassurance more than protection There is a fine balance between attending to my own needs and being mindful of the needs of the living, who may depend on me for comfort and reassurance MARCH 17 Every aspect of life had become perilous to Dinah, and all she knew how to was to hang on to her life exactly as it was, to let routine and necessity direct her days —ROBB FORMAN DEW One effect of losing a loved one, particularly if death is sudden and unexpected, is that we become newly aware of the fragility of life If this tragedy can befall us, what next? We can become fearful, almost paranoid A mother whose child was killed in an auto accident tells me she cannot bear to have her other child come home later than she expected “Call me if you’re going to be late Even ten minutes Please,” she tells him Our security in the world is threatened Our inner lives are in turmoil To follow methodically the patterns of the day may give us some sense of order so we will not break apart Beyond that, we may feel that by sticking to our established ways, perhaps we will keep the fates from noticing us and be spared further unexpected terror These are primal, irrational fears—but the loss we have gone through is not rational, either Later—not now—we’ll have the energy and courage to cope with change I will live through these days the best I can, trusting that in time my spontaneity and energy will return MARCH 18 Love…bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things Love never ends —I CORINTHIANS 13:7—8 What a truckload of responsibility and potential for pain we take on when we love another human being: all the dangers of misunderstanding, of betrayal, of indifference, and ultimately, of loss To more than balance those dangers, we feel the possibility of life made rich through sharing experiences with another—of physical and spiritual warmth and communion, of enriched understanding and common achievement, of a stay against loneliness and isolation Most of us have no trouble opting for love But then, to have invested so much of our life’s energy in the life of a loved one—and then to find that loved one gone! Is it any wonder we are, for a time, laid low? But the love we have shared helps form the strength to deal with loss The hope and joy we have known help us believe in the possibility of hope and joy again And the intensity of grief (which will moderate, though we may find that hard to believe) mirrors the intensity of shared love, which will continue to beam through our life, to illumine and nourish all that we and are Love never ends Never MARCH 19 What was it in the sweep of the sky, the giant outcropping of rock, the sassafras leaf in my hand? I did not know, but I felt hushed by awe and a quiet joy —AVERY BROOKE Perhaps we all have our special places of healing In a class I took on “Art as Meditation,” the leader suggested, “Close your eyes Think of your favorite place in all the world.” Where is yours? Where is mine? Perhaps they are different places at different times But as grievers, we would well to go, as often as we’re able, to places that have a healing calm for us And maybe it’s not a single specific place, but a type of place A friend of mine says, “The ocean Anywhere, so long as it’s the ocean.” Once there, we have to be willing to let the place speak to us, and to open our hearts, to “the sweep of sky, the outcropping of rock”—to the peace that seems to emanate from such places, telling us in some mysterious way that all shall be well In communion with the beauty of nature, I find an affirmation of all that is, including me MARCH 20 The plant grows in the mist and under clouds as truly as under sunshine —WILLIAM ELLERY CHANNING After a traumatic event such as the loss of a loved one, we may feel as though our life has stopped Nothing can go forward after this What sense can we make of the rest of our life? Fortunately, life will pull us along, whether or not we give it our blessing And one day, like a storm that passes, we will see light again, and realize that during all the time we felt lost in darkness and confusion, processes of healing and growth were doing their slow and often silent work We have not lost time at all, but like the seed that has lain apparently inert in the ground all winter and now is ready to begin its springtime dance, we have been moved along in steady and unseen ways into new life Like the butterfly emerging from the cocoon after a long darkness, we will shake caterpillar dust from our wings and realize we can fly Sometimes I feel frozen in place, as though I will never move or grow again But all the time, One who is higher than I is leading me through this dark land ... sunshine —WILLIAM ELLERY CHANNING After a traumatic event such as the loss of a loved one, we may feel as though our life has stopped Nothing can go forward after this What sense can we make... through these days the best I can, trusting that in time my spontaneity and energy will return MARCH 18 Love…bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things Love never ends... human being: all the dangers of misunderstanding, of betrayal, of indifference, and ultimately, of loss To more than balance those dangers, we feel the possibility of life made rich through sharing