25/06/2016: Task 2: Some people think it is more important for government to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill To what extent you agree or disagree? Many people believe that the expenditure on enhancing healthy lifestyle to avoid from diseases rather than spending money on medical conditions to cure people of their available health issues While I agree that impulsing healthy lifestyle should be invested, Commented [A1]: This is too long for a topic sentence and should be reduced in length ‘Many people believe that the expenditure on enhancing healthy lifestyle to avoid from diseases rather than it is better to spend money on medical conditions to preventing rather than curing people of their available health issues’ Commented [A2]: Not sure what you mean here ‘imposing a healthy lifestyle on people’; or ‘investing in promoting a healthy lifestyle ‘ I also think that the support of government for treating many patients is likely to be more vital Commented [A3]: ‘is important’ – re: AB2 Commented [A4]: Also too long ‘I also think that the support of government support for treating many patients is likely to be more vital Commented [A5]: ‘several’ Commented [A6]: ‘a healthy lifestyle’ On the one hand, there are serveral reasons why I believe that authority should spend Commented [A7]: You could reduce this to ‘the first reason why healthy lifestyles should be promotes is ….’ Commented [A8]: This is unnecessary – no extra meaning Commented [A9]: ‘works’ – this noun is uncountable their money on encouraging healthy lifestyle Firstly, it is true that some diseases might Commented [A10]: No need for this if you use ‘so + adjective……, they… ’ structure Commented [A11]: ‘not accustomed to doing……’ – result from sedentary life on a daily basis People seem to be so caught up in their works "Used" and "accustomed" are past participles followed by a preposition, in this case "to." Prepositions are followed by a noun, a noun phrase, a pronoun, a noun clause, or a noun form of the verb – that is, the "ing" form and studies, hence, they are not accustomed to exercises regularly to maintain their Here are some examples from the Collins COBUILD* online: health Secondly, more people tend to prefer travelling by cars to walking or to cycling, so that your child can get used to them in familiar surroundings .I thought I'd never get used to being in an office all day After a while, you'll get used to the separation and accept it which leads to a significant increase in the number of people being more prone to obesity .men and women around the world get accustomed to being overweight as and I need time to get accustomed to the routine again get to know each other and to get accustomed to talking to each other And in many countries around the world Therefore, it is necessary for government to spend Commented [A12]: ‘exercises’ – no +s – ‘it is an uncountable noun’ Commented [A13]: This could be reduced to ‘travelling by car is prevalent and a major cause of obesity’ money on not only constructing more new sport centres but also on improving the quality of public transport to advocate people to live healthier lifestyle Commented [A14]: This paragraph is too long – the content needs to be reduced – you can this by making the topic sentences and examples shorter Commented [A15]: The use of passive will help you reduce the number of words: On the other hand, I also think that the expenditure on the treatment of people who are suffering illness is more important The first reason is that beside unhealthy lifestyle, ‘Therefore, it is necessary for government to spend money on not only more new sport centres should be constructed in addition to the improved quality of public transport to advocate people to live healthier lifestyle Commented [A16]: Reduce to ‘spending on treatment is more important’ Commented [A17]: ‘besides’ there are some other reasons which may cause serious health issues In Vietnam, for example, the hazardous problem of dirty food, water and air pollution all have becomed Commented [A18]: ‘have all become’ burning topics that everyone concerns because they have been detrimental directly to their lives Another reason is that many patients, especially who have chronic and acute Commented [A19]: Unnecessary diseases, needs medicines and effectively medical techniques to be cured As a result, the Commented [A20]: Adjective is needed here – ‘effective’ most essential thing for people who are ill already is the support from government in the way of spending public money on enhancing the quality of services in many hospitals and researching on medical conditions In conclusion, spending public money on the treatment of people who are having illness is less important than the expenditure on encouraging healthy lifestyle to prevent Commented [A21]: Again you could use the passive here to summarize – ‘As a result, the most essential thing for people who are ill already is the support from government in the way of spending public money on enhancing the quality of services in many hospitals and researching on medical conditions is paramount’ diseases Although it is necessary to invest in improving people’s lifestyle, I think that spending on curing patients is more important Comments: This is a 6.5 A good answer You are need to simplify your answers – try to use a little passive; more than anything keep to the word limit The only reason this didn’t get a higher score is it is too long – this affects everything Commented [A22]: This is unnecessary as you repeat this in the final sentence – your final sentence is a better summary Ngoc Bach’s amended essay: Essay Plan: Introduction: sentence 1: some people think that more government money should be spent on preventing illness; sentence 2: disagree - more important to treat people who are ill Paragraph 2: it is important to spend money on prevention because [1] more and more people lead sedentary lifestyles, which can result in serious illnesses – it is necessary to promote sport and exercise [2] encourage people to use their cars less and walk or cycle more to get regular exercise Paragraph 3: however, it is more important to focus on treatment because [1] not all illnesses are the result of lifestyle choices, they may be the result of pollution or unhealthy living conditions, e.g no clean water [2] funding for hospitals is essential in order to treat patients who are seriously ill and also to conduct vital research into new treatments Conclusion: disagree – resources should be mostly allocated to treating people who are already ill It is true that some people argue for more public expenditure on measures to prevent illness by promoting a healthy lifestyle While this would certainly result in benefits to public health, I disagree with the idea that this should be a higher priority than the treatment of people who are already suffering from illness The promotion of a healthy lifestyle to prevent illness is undoubtedly a worthy aim of any government The sedentary routines of many people make them more prone to the risk of diabetes or heart disease as a result of their inactivity In modern life, people are so caught up in the pressures of work or study that they neglect the importance of keeping fit Dependence on the car exacerbates the problem of lack of exercise Thus, government provision of affordable leisure and sports facilities, coupled with promotion campaigns to keep fit and healthy would certainly be a worthwhile initiative to raise the general level of public health However, in the process of decision-making on health matters, I would argue that expenditure should be allocated first to the treatment of people who are ill Firstly, not all illnesses are the result of unhealthy lifestyle choices by individuals For example, respiratory disorders are affected by air pollution in cities, while poor sanitation and contaminated drinking water contribute to outbreaks of dysentery and cholera Secondly, failure to subsidise medicines or to invest in hospitals would certainly lead to many deaths which could have been avoided by timely treatment Hospitals, for instance, have many roles in providing treatment, not only surgery but also in conducting vital research into the treatment of many life-threatening conditions, such as cancer or asthma In conclusion, while promoting healthy living is important, treatment must have priority in health service spending 298 words Band~9.0 Vocabulary: sedentary: [adjective] in which you spend a lot of time sitting down Example: She has a sedentary job, working as a secretary in an office prone: [adjective] likely to suffer from something Example: Professionals sportspeople are more prone to injury than most people be caught up in: [phrasal verb] become involved in something, even when you not want to be Example: I was so caught up in my work that I forgot to prepare my lunch exacerbate: [verb] to make something worse, such as a problem or a disease Example: His aggressive reaction exacerbated the situation, and soon a fight started affordable: [adjective] cheap enough so that people can buy it/pay for it Example: Membership of the new gym is not expensive – it is affordable even for people who don’t have much money respiratory disorders: [noun] problems related to breathing Example: Smoking is particularly dangerous for people who have respiratory disorders sanitation: [noun] the systems and equipment that keep places clean, especially by removing human waste Example: By improving sanitation in the city, the authorities were able to reduce the impact of some serious diseases contaminated: [adjective] made dirty by adding something that is dangerous or carries a disease Example: The drinking water has become contaminated as a result of dangerous chemicals in the water supply subsidise: [verb] give money to an organisation to help to pay for something Example: The new housing project is subsidised by the government timely: [adjective] happening at the right time Example: The timely arrival of the police prevented the crime life-threatening: [adjective] likely to kill someone Example: The virus is known to be life-threatening, and many people have already died condition: [noun] the state of someone’s health or how fit they are Example: He suffers from a serious heart condition and he is now in hospital for treatment