Chapter 21: Stylish Sentences 283 Use Vivid Verbs Use verbs rather than nouns to communicate your ideas. This makes your writing more forceful and less wordy. For example, replace forms of to be with action verbs, as the following example shows: Weak: In 1850, 21-year-old Levi Strauss went from New York to San Francisco. Vivid: In 1850, 21-year-old Levi Strauss traveled from New York to San Fran- cisco. Weak: The shrieking Arctic gales sent needles of ice into their faces. Vivid: The shrieking Arctic gales shot needles of ice into their faces. Danger, Will Robinson Place the adjectives, adverbs, phrases, and clauses according to the emphasis you want to achieve in each sen- tence. Remember that misplaced modifiers spell trouble, so be sure to place them as close as possi- ble to the words they describe. Invert Word Order Most English sentences follow the subject-verb-direct object pattern, so varying this pattern automatically creates emphasis and interest. To create stylistic variety, occa- sionally place the verb before the subject, as these examples show: Subject-verb order: The CEO walked in. The manager walked out. Inverted order: In walked the CEO. Out walked the manager. Play with Pronouns Use the pronoun you to engage your readers. The second-person pronoun you (rather than the third-person he, she, one) gives your writing more impact because it directly addresses the reader, as this example shows: Weak: Contributions to the employee's account will automatically be reinvested unless the employee has completed form 21 -A. Better: Contributions to your account will automatically be reinvested unless you have completed form 21 -A. 284 Part 3: Style: All the Write Stuff Take My Word for It Due to state laws, some companies require that documents such as consumer con- tracts and warranties meet a specific readability score that determines how easy or difficult they are to read. Such readability scores on the Frye, Gunning Fog Index, and Flesch Reading Ease Scale are calculated on the basis of word and sentence length. But using shorter words and sentences will not necessarily make a document easier to understand, especially if the words are technical in nature. Quoth the Maven _ As you draft your message, use special care to avoid phrases that could seem hostile, rude, un- caring, or arrogant. Strike them from your style. Between a Rock and a Hard Place What happens if your supervisor likes an ornate, flowery style with big words and windy sentences? Or take a less extreme case: What if your company prefers writing in the passive voice to the active voice? If this is the case, you have several choices: 1. Write clearly and logically, based on what you learned in this chapter. Seeing effective writing may change your supervisor's mind. 2. Confer with your supervisor about changing writing styles. People might be using weaker writing models because they don't have anything better to use. 3. Recognize that writing style serves to unify a company as well as communicate ideas. Even if the style isn't as strong and effective as clear writing, it may bring people together in a cor- porate culture. Punctuation and Style: Little Things Matter a Lot Your choice of punctuation also has a critical influence on your writing style because it determines the degree of linkage between sentences. Further, it suggests whether sentence elements are coordinating or subordinating. Here are some guidelines: • Remember that a period shows a full separation between ideas. • A comma and a coordinating conjunction show the following relationships: addition, choice, consequence, contrast, or cause. • A semicolon shows that the second sentence completes the content of the first sentence. The semicolon suggests a link but leaves it to the reader to make the connection. Chapter Zl: Stylish Sentences 285 • A semicolon and a conjunctive adverb (a word such as nevertheless, however, etc.) shows the relationship between ideas: addition, consequence, contrast, cause and effect, time, emphasis, or addition. • Using a period between sentences forces a pause and then stresses the conjunc- tive adverb. Take My Word for It So far, I've concentrated on the content of your writing, but the form also matters. To make your writing easier to read, break it into chunks of manageable length. That's the principle behind dividing telephone numbers into groups (21 2-555-21 38 versus 21 255521 38). When you have a lot of facts, consider arranging them in a list, table, or chart. Use color to set off charts, graphs, or other visuals. Try it yourself. Add punctuation to the following passage. First, make sure it's correct; then, make sure it's interesting—given your audience and purpose! It stretches snaps and shatters when hit with a heavy object If you press a blob of it against a comic book or newspaper it picks up the image even the colors It can be used to build strength in a person's hands and remove lint from clothing It's out of this world literally because astronauts use it to hold tools to space cap- sule surfaces during the weightlessness of space travel What is it That's the question James Wright asked himself in the early 1940s when he cre- ated the odd stuff As an engineer for General Electric Wright had been trying to develop a rubber substitute to do his part to help the Allies during World War I However instead of rubber he created a blob of sticky stuff that bounced when he dropped it It had no use but everyone liked to play with it In 1949 Peter Hodgson named it "Silly Putty" and featured it in a toy store cat- alog Silly Putty was an instant hit Possible response: It stretches, snaps, and shatters when hit with a heavy object. If you press a blob of it against a comic book or newspaper, it picks up the image—even the colors. It can be used to build strength in a person's hands and remove lint from cloth- ing. It's out of this world—literally—because astronauts use it to hold tools to space capsule surfaces during the weightlessness of space travel. What is it? 286 Part S: Style: All the Write Stuff That's the question James Wright asked himself in the early 1940s when he cre- ated the odd stuff. As an engineer for General Electric, Wright had been trying to develop a rubber substitute to do his part to help the Allies during World War I. However, instead of rubber, he created a blob of sticky stuff that bounced when he dropped it. It had no use, but everyone liked to play with it. In 1949, Peter Hodgson named it "Silly Putty" and featured it in a toy store cat- alog. Silly Putty was an instant hit. The Least You Need to Know • Mix simple, compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences for a more effective style. Also vary sentence lengths, add questions and commands, focus on the subject, use vivid verbs, and invert word order. • In informal writing, use the pronoun you to engage readers. • Your choice of punctuation also has a critical influence on your writing style. • Always write clearly and logically. Chapter Conciseness: The Department of Redundancy Department In This Chapter • Understand redundancy • Simplify sentences • Improve your writing style In language, as in plane geometry, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. As Thomas Jefferson once remarked, "The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do." That's what this chapter is all about. All good writing demands a polished style. Especially in business, writers impress their readers not with big words and convoluted prose, but rather with a straightforward, easy-to-read style. Learn how to accomplish this right now. Slash and Burn Redundant writing is cluttered with unnecessary words that fog your meaning. Wordy writing forces your readers to clear away unnecessary 288 Part 5: Style: All the Write Stuff words and phrases before they can understand your message. Redundancies are the junk food of our language, filling us up on empty words. Prove it to yourself. The following table is a series of redundant phrases I've culled from newspapers, mag- azines, friends, and foes. Rewrite each of the follow- ing phrases to eliminate the redundancy. Then give a reason for your revision. The first one is done for you. You Could Look It Up Redundancy is the unnecessary repetition of words and ideas. Redundancy Repair Reason 1. honest truth 2. past experience 3. past history 4. fatally killed 5. revert back 6. foreign imports 7. partial stop 8. true facts 9. free gift 10. live and breathe 11. null and void 12. most unique 13. cease and desist 14. soup du jour of the day 15. at 8 A.M. in the morning 16. sum total and end results 17. living survivors 18. proceed ahead 19. successfully escaped truth truth is honest by definition Chapter ZZ: Conciseness: The Department of Redundancy Department Z89 Redundancy Repair Reason 20. minus eight degrees below zero 21. forward progress 22. set a new record 23. kills bugs dead 24. at this point in time Answers Redundancy Repair Reason 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. honest truth past experience past history fatally killed revert back foreign imports partial stop true facts free gift live and breathe null and void most unique cease and desist soup du jour of the day at 8 A.M. in the morning sum total and end results leaving no living survivors proceed ahead truth experience history killed revert imports stop facts gift live null (or void) unique cease (or desist) soup du jour at 8 A.M. total (or results) leaving no survivors proceed truth is honest all experience is past all history is past fatal = dead revert = go back we have domestic imports? stop = stop facts are true gifts are free if you live, you breathe null = void unique can't be modified; it is the most cease = desist du jour = of the day A.M. = morning sum total = end results survivors are alive you can't proceed back continues 290 Part 5: Style: All the Write Stuff continued Redundancy 19. successfully escaped 20. minus eight degrees below zero 21. forward progress 22. set a new record 2 3. kills bugs dead 24. at this point in time Repair escaped minus 8 degrees progress set a record kills bugs now Reason you can't escape unsuccessfully minus = below zero all progress is forward all records are new when they are set kills = dead wordy phrase Thrift, Thrift, Thrift When you sit down to write, you might get carried away by the sound of your own words. Even though you know you've packed in some unnecessary verbiage, each word is near and dear to your heart, like your cracked Little League catcher's mitt from '67 or the designer shoes you got on sale that never fit and never will. Take My Word for It Redundancy comes from the Latin word undore ("to over- flow") and re ("back"). Because redundancy literally means "to overflow again and again," the word itself is redundant! You want to save every one of your words; after all, they are your words. "Cut that phrase?" you howl. "I can't bear to part with such a beautiful (graceful, important, dazzling) phrase." Yes, you can; trust me. And your writing will be the better for it. An effec- tive writing style shows an economy of language. From now on, here's your mantra: • Write simply and directly. • Omit unnecessary details or ideas that you have already stated. • Use a lot of important detail, but no unnecessary words. You want your writing to be concise. Conciseness describes writing that is direct and to the point. This is not to say that you have to pare away all description, figures of speech, and images. No. Rather, it is to say that wordy writing annoys your readers because it forces them to slash their way through your sentences before they can understand what you're saying. Hard and lean Chapter ïl\ Conciseness: The Department of Redundancy Department Z91 sentences, like hard and lean bodies, require far more effort than flabby ones. And they are so much nicer. Follow these five easy rules to create taut, effective sentences. • Eliminate unneeded words and phrases. • Revise sentences that begin with expletives. • Combine sentences that repeat information. • Don't say the same thing twice. • Make passive sentences active. Look at each of these rules in greater detail. Eliminate Unneeded Words and Phrases Unneeded words are like annoying little gnats that nip at your ankles during summer picnics. As a matter of fact, because these words and phrases are like so much empty noise, they are often called buzzwords. Buzzwords come in different parts of speech, as the following table shows. Buzzwords Part of Speech Adjectives Adverbs Nouns Sample Buzzwords nice, central, major, good, excellent quite, very, basically, really, central, major field, case, situation, character, kind, scope, sort, type, thing, element, area, aspect, factor, nature, quality Here's how they look in context: Wordy: These types of administrative problems are really quite difficult to solve. Better: Administrative problems are difficult to solve. Redundant phrases are kissing cousins to buzzwords because they also repeat infor- mation that has already been stated. The following table lists 10 especially annoying examples. Add them to the ones you revised at the beginning of this chapter. You Could Look It Up _^ Buzzwords are com- monly used, extraneous phrases that aren't necessary to the mean- ing of the sentence and so should be cut. 29Z Part J: Style: All the Write Stuff Ten Redundant Phrases Revised Redundant Better repeat again red in color extra gratuity continue to remain small in size few in number new innovation complete stop combine together final end repeat red gratuity remain small few innovation stop combine end Then we have the big daddy of them all, really long-winded phrases. These are pre- fab phrases that seem to add instant sophistication to your sentences. They don't. Instead, they make your writing sound pretentious and gassy. The following table lists some of these annoying redundancies and ways to revise them. Twenty Redundant Phrases Revised Wordy Better at this point in time at the present time for the purpose of in the event that until such time as in view of the fact that because of the fact that due to the fact that in order to utilize is an example of free up some space my personal physician thunderstorm activity now now for if until because because because to use is make room my doctor thunderstorm . subject, as these examples show: Subject-verb order: The CEO walked in. The manager walked out. Inverted order: In walked the CEO. Out walked the manager. Play with Pronouns Use the pronoun . conjunction show the following relationships: addition, choice, consequence, contrast, or cause. • A semicolon shows that the second sentence completes the content of the first sentence. The semicolon. forces them to slash their way through your sentences before they can understand what you're saying. Hard and lean Chapter ïl Conciseness: The Department of Redundancy Department