pile into the car, and Karen and I, with Jasper and Daisy in tow, drive Nic there to help him settle in We stop for pizza and then enter the sprawling campus, where we find Bowles Hall, an ancient Tudor dormitory "It's a castle!" Jasper says, impressed and envious "You get to live in a castle!" We park out front and help him carry his luggage through the stone archway and up two flights of stone stairs, where we find Nic's room and meet his roommates, who are unpacking They seem serious, studious, and, in one case, nerdy All seem extremely nice One boy with scruffy red hair and a light-blue crewneck sweater is assembling an elaborate home-built computer system Another boy, this one in oval tortoiseshell glasses and a striped T-shirt, has George Michael, Celine Dion, Barbra Streisand, and Elton John stacked haphazardly on a small CD player, a selection that does not bode well for harmony in the small room, given Nic's uncompromising musical taste Nic walks us out to the car "It'll be OK," he says nervously "It's a cool old building." He hugs each of us I mention the George Michael and Nic laughs "I'll educate them It won't take long before they're listening to Marc Ribot." Ribot sings one of Nic's favorite songs, "Yo! I Killed Your God." When he calls in a few days, Nic seems engaged by his classes, particularly a painting course In subsequent calls, however, he admits that he can't build stretcher bars for his canvases "No matter what I do, they come out all cockeyed," he says "And I have to lug them across campus I feel like Jesus carrying his cross." More phone calls, and he's complaining about his other courses, too "We're taught by TAs, not real professors," he says "They're morons." In some of the conversations that follow, Nic seems distracted, and then he stops regularly returning my calls I have no idea what's going on, but his silence tells me that things aren't going well When finally he checks in—"I've been staying with friends"; "school's cool but I'm really into the underground music scene out here"—I encourage him to take advantage of the opportunity he has at Cal, to weather the initial period "It will be worthwhile," I say "It's always difficult at the beginning, but you'll do fine." I suggest that he meet with school counselors in the health center and, if he wants, check in with his therapist, who has extended an open invitation for Nic to keep in touch as little or as often as he wants "Lots of freshmen struggle at first," I say "It's common Maybe the counselors can help." He says it's a good idea Part of me believes he'll follow through and seek help, but a bigger part knows that he won't A week later, one of Nic's roommates calls, telling me they are worried because Nic hasn't shown up for a few days I am distraught Two days later, on a late fall afternoon, Nic calls, finally admitting that college isn't working Assuming that drugs are the problem, I say that we need to talk about rehab, but he says that he isn't using anything much "I wasn't ready for college," he says "I just need some time I have lots of work to do on myself first I've been having a hard time—feeling pretty depressed." Nic sounds level-headed and it makes some sense to me There's ample evidence that many children use drugs to self-medicate for depression, not to mention a host of mental-health disorders The drugs they take may become the focal point for both kids and their parents, but they may be masking deeper problems How can a parent know? We consult more experts, but they don't necessarily know, either Diagnosis isn't an exact science, and it's complicated, particularly for adolescents and young adults, for whom mood changes, including depression, are common Many symptoms of these disorders appear to be identical to some of the symptoms of drug abuse Also, by the time experts finally figure out that there's a problem, drug addiction may have exacerbated the underlying ailment and fused with it It becomes impossible to know where one leaves off and the other begins "Considering the level of maturity of young adolescents, the availability of drugs, and the age at which drugs are first used, it is not surprising that a substantial number of them develop serious drug problems," writes Robert Schwebel, Ph.D., in Saying No Is Not Enough "Once this happens, the effects are devastating Drugs shield children from dealing with reality and mastering developmental tasks crucial to their future The skills they lacked that left them vulnerable to drug abuse in the first place are the very ones that are stunted by drugs They will have difficulty establishing a clear sense of identity, mastering intellectual skills, and learning self-control The adolescent period is when individuals are supposed to make the transition from childhood to adulthood Teenagers with drug problems will not be prepared for adult roles They will chronologically mature while remaining emotional adolescents." A specialist on child development tells me that children's brains are at their most malleable—that is, the greatest change takes place— before they are two years old and then again when they are teenagers "The worst time for a person to be tampering with their brains is when they are teenagers," she says "Drugs radically alter the way teenagers' brains develop." As she explains it, experience and behavior help to set up a cycle that may deepen emotional problems The biological underpinning may become more acute and more intractable It enforces and reinforces the psychological problems, which become more firmly established After that, treating people whose drug use began when they were teenagers is further complicated because deconstructing or rerouting established pathways have biological as well as emotional and behavioral roots When Nic broaches it, I can believe that he has been suffering from other problems, possibly depression Could the impressively credentialed shrinks he's seen missed such an obvious diagnosis? If the therapists missed it, perhaps it is because Nic is good at covering it up, just as he was good at covering up his drug use Depression is a plausible explanation and easier to accept than a drug problem It's not that depression isn't serious, but unlike drugs, it is not selfinflicted It is reassuring to imagine that drugs are a symptom and not the cause of Nic's difficulties Nic also tells me that Berkeley was a mistake and he would do better at a smaller college His theory is that he was swallowed up in the impersonal Cal bureaucracy "I tried to see a counselor," he says, "like you suggested But I had to wait in line for an hour to make an appointment I got to the front of the line and they told me that the first appointment was a week later "I want to apply to colleges again," he continues "In the meantime, I think I should take a year off from school, get a job, and get back in physical and mental shape." Nic moves home again He promises to follow the rules we establish—he will go to therapy, honor curfews, help around the house, work, and apply to other colleges He meets with his therapist, who afterward tells me that he supports the plan Indeed, Nic seems to feel a little better, and so there is reason to believe that things are improving He applies to a number of small liberal arts schools on the East Coast His first choice is Hampshire College in western Massachusetts When we toured the school, he had been inspired by the vibrant atmosphere and bucolic setting He sat in on English and political science courses and toured the music and drama studios I, too, felt it was a college made with Nic in mind Apparently his transcripts are still relatively strong, because a few months later he receives a letter of acceptance from the school I breathe easier Nic is on track again on the inevitable (in my view) path that will lead back to college We've endured a bad period, but Nic will move on But though he sometimes emerges to play with Daisy and Jasper, or materializes for a meal, when he's not working, Nic spends most of his time at home in his room One night when he is at work, I fall asleep early, but wake with a start after midnight I sense that something is wrong Maybe it's a parent's sixth sense Maybe some part of me has detected the early warning signs of imminent trouble When I get out of bed, it makes the softest rustling sound, enough to wake Karen "Is everything all right?" "Everything is fine," I whisper "Go back to sleep." The floor is cold and the room is cold, but I don't stop for slippers or a robe because I don't want to make more noise The hallway is ... hasn't shown up for a few days I am distraught Two days later, on a late fall afternoon, Nic calls, finally admitting that college isn't working Assuming that drugs are the problem, I say that we need to talk about rehab, but he says that he... A specialist on child development tells me that children's brains are at their most malleable—that is, the greatest change takes place— before they are two years old and then again when they are teenagers "The worst time for a person to be tampering with their brains is when... the cause of Nic's difficulties Nic also tells me that Berkeley was a mistake and he would do better at a smaller college His theory is that he was swallowed up in the impersonal Cal bureaucracy "I tried to see a counselor," he says,