APRIL One of the most pathetic things about us human beings is our touching belief that there are times when the truth is not good enough for us; that it can and must be improved upon We have to be utterly broken before we can realize that it is impossible to better the truth It is the truth that we deny which so tenderly and forgivingly picks up the fragments and puts them together again —LAURENS VAN DER POST We our best, trying to change what has happened We play our games of What if…“What if we hadn’t gone to that resort and what if we had planned some other outing so she wouldn’t have gone horseback riding?” “What if we’d urged him to have a checkup sooner?” “What if she’d never started smoking?” “What if we’d stopped him from driving when he’d been drinking?” It is self-torture and we know it, but we can’t seem to stop rearranging the facts to make the reality come out better And in the meantime, the world we cannot change waits patiently to welcome us back It waits as a parent waits for a child to vent anger and frustration when the block building has fallen down or a playmate has acted cruelly Then is the time for comfort, for reassurance and a hug, and for consideration of what to now I know the truth always wins Someday I may be able to step away from the battle APRIL The other Sunday, I remember, in a political discussion I said some things I shouldn’t have I can’t tell you how unhappy I am about it now It seems as though I had been harsh with someone no longer able to defend himself…These are things I can’t yet bear to think about They cause me so much grief Life has started again If only I had an aim, an ambition of any kind, it would help me to bear it But that isn’t the case —MARCEL PROUST How we berate ourselves! Conversations in which we feel we weren’t as kind as we might have been stick in our minds We torture ourselves, wishing we could take back our words And because we are so debilitated with grief that we cannot muster the energy to internally “change the subject” and get on with something else, these grievances against ourselves continue to sound in our minds Chances are that this incident (and others) which we remember with such chagrin was nowhere near as big an “event” in the life of our loved one as it has become in ours Of course we have said hurtful things to people we love—and will probably continue to so Think of it as the price of a spontaneous relationship Would you really like to have everything that’s said to you weighed solemnly for all its possible negative effects? Our loved ones forgive us, as we forgive them APRIL Spirituality in its broadest sense is, quite simply, a way of life that reveals an awareness of the sacred and a relationship with the Holy One in the midst of our human frailty, brokenness and limitations —EDWARD C SELLNER To be faced with the loss of a loved one is to be engaged—or reengaged more intensely—with the experience of the spiritual Questions of our loved one’s survival, of our own relationship to the spiritual world, of our possible communion with the dead now or after our own death—all come to us with new urgency Surely if we can summon an awareness of the Holy One as a loving, caring reality, we shall be miles ahead! We can bear the uncertainty of answers to our questions if we feel that the One who is in charge cares for us all, grieves with us when we are sad, and wills our good This has been the yearning, and the confidence, of believers through the ages “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen,” said the apostle Paul in the Letter to the Hebrews These things are no less real for being “not seen.” In the midst of my brokenness, O Holy One, may I be made newly aware of You APRIL Sometimes, with the best of intentions, friends don’t know how to help They may feel that to bring up the subject of our loss is to risk making us feel worse, so they avoid it and talk of other things while the presence of the unspoken builds up to an almost intolerable pressure —MARTHA WHITMORE HICKMAN We are at a small gathering of friends who are chatting about their own and one another’s lives—but it is as though the subject of our own loss and grief is out of bounds Everyone knows of it, everyone cares, but no one speaks of it And, sensing that we would be violating some unspoken taboo, neither we Sound familiar? There may be times when the best recourse is to go along with casual conversation, surviving as best we can But sometimes, if these are close friends, it’s best to break the bubble of camouflage and say, “I need to talk about what’s going on with me.” Usually the tension will break, there will be an immediate sense of support, and relief, and the question “How are you?” will be a real invitation to tell the truth We will feel the tension of unexpressed grief move—figuratively, at least—from our body into the welcoming arms of friends who love us but don’t know what to When I risk telling who I am, I give a gift to myself and to my friends APRIL I must force myself to look upon the familiar things, the coat hanging on the chair, the hat in the hall…To ease the pain I took over some of his things for myself I wore his shirts, sat at his writing desk, used his pens to acknowledge the hundreds of letters of condolence; and by the very process of identification with the objects he had touched, felt the closer to him —DAPHNE DU MAURIER What to about the things? For some people they are a comfort, an aid to healing For others, to dwell upon the objects associated with the loved one is to be caught in a vise of anguishing memory and pain Each of us has to find his or her own way Try something, and if that doesn’t work, try something else When our daughter died, we quickly gave away most of her clothes—some to particular friends, some to a charity organization But we saved a few, putting them away in a drawer so we could see them if we wanted, but weren’t face-to-face with them all the time We saved some things to give away as occasions arose—a jewelry box with her name to go later to another loved child of the same name, a British coin to wear in someone else’s wedding shoe Some we kept, and the comfort and pleasure they bring grow as the pain of her not-being-here has become softer, more mellow I can take my time, disposing of the things as I am ready ... the midst of our human frailty, brokenness and limitations —EDWARD C SELLNER To be faced with the loss of a loved one is to be engaged—or reengaged more intensely—with the experience of the spiritual... of our own relationship to the spiritual world, of our possible communion with the dead now or after our own death—all come to us with new urgency Surely if we can summon an awareness of the... of intentions, friends don’t know how to help They may feel that to bring up the subject of our loss is to risk making us feel worse, so they avoid it and talk of other things while the presence