Quiet girls can run the world owning your power when youre not the alpha

An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC 375 Hudson Street New York, New York 10014 Published by arrangement with Hodder & Stoughton Ltd First published in the United Kingdom in 2017 Copyright © 2017 by Rebecca Holman Penguin supports copyright Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader TarcherPerigee with colophon is a registered trademark of Penguin Random House LLC LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA Names: Holman, Rebecca, author Title: Quiet girls can run the world : owning your power when you’re not the “alpha” in the room / Rebecca Holman Other titles: Beta Description: New York : TarcherPerigee, 2018 | Originally published in 2017 in Great Britain as: Beta : quiet girls can run the world | Includes index | Identifiers: LCCN 2018014794 (print) | LCCN 2018015989 (ebook) | ISBN 9780525505334 (ebook) | ISBN 9780143133537 (pbk.) Subjects: LCSH: Women executives—Psychology | Success in business—Psychological aspects | Work—Psychological aspects Classification: LCC HD6054.3 (ebook) | LCC HD6054.3 H646 2018 (print) | DDC 658.4/09082—dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018014794 p cm Version_1 CONTENTS TITLE PAGE COPYRIGHT INTRODUCTION CHAPTER Beta Woman Who? CHAPTER Where Have All the Successful Betas Gone? CHAPTER Shoulder Pads Are Bullshit: Isn’t It Time We Redefined What a Successful Woman Looks Like? CHAPTER Fake It Till You Make It? Why Your Online Self Is Trolling Your IRL Self CHAPTER Beta or Lazy? Unraveling My Impostor Syndrome CHAPTER Why Every Woman Needs a Work Wife CHAPTER Office Politics for the Very Lazy: Criticism One-Upmanship CHAPTER Burnout: A Modern Malaise for Modern Ladies CHAPTER It’s What’s on the Outside That Counts (and Why Everyone’s Judging You) CHAPTER 10 Q: What Happens When You Put a Beta Peg in an Alpha Hole? CHAPTER 11 Be the Robin to Her Batman: How to Deal with Your Alpha Boss CHAPTER 12 Being Batman When You Feel Like Robin Inside: How to Deal with Your Alpha Team When You’re the Beta Boss CHAPTER 13 How to Deal with Sexism in the Workplace When You’re Beta, Alpha, or Just a Woman CHAPTER 14 Alpha or Beta: Is One Ever Better Than the Other? ACKNOWLEDGMENTS INDEX ABOUT THE AUTHOR INTRO DUCTIO N You know that woman who isn’t speaking in the meeting you’re attending? She’s the only person who hasn’t shared her thoughts on the presentation you’ve just watched (and you’re kind of glad: you’ve been in the room for ninety minutes now and definitely have better things to with your day) But her silence is in contrast to the rest of the room, and you can’t work out if it’s because she’s intimidated (there are a lot of big personalities in the room), bored, disinterested, or she just doesn’t have anything to say because she isn’t that bright What you can’t see is that while everyone else in the room is “engaging in a robust exchange of views,” she’s taking notes and thinking things through While they’re getting sucked into a pointless argument, she’s trying to solve the problem And, to save time, she’ll probably email her thoughts after the meeting to the person who presented She realizes that by doing so, she may not get credit for solving the problem, but it’s the easiest way to it She’s the Beta woman and she’s been getting stuff done all over your office, and you probably hadn’t noticed In short, the Beta woman is the quiet, thoughtful, modest counterpart to her outspoken, obviously confident Alpha colleague In a world that champions shouting the loudest, both IRL and online, we’re told that women need to act a certain way to rise to the top in the workplace—to be big, brash, and Alpha The reality is that any individual woman is far more complex than that, so why be so reductive? Let’s rewind It’s seven years ago I’m at the bar on a Friday night with my new team Two weeks before, I became their boss when I landed a job editing a women’s website that had been wildly successful and was now in sharp decline It would have taken a Herculean effort to turn it around, and as I was a relatively inexperienced, very timid editor, no one was sure if I was up to the job Least of all me Apparently this was the first thing we’d all agreed on “They think you won’t last, that you’ll be out in six months,” one of my new colleagues conspiratorially told me, in an ill-judged, booze-fueled attempt at bonding I stared at him aghast, my mouth hanging open “But I think they’re wrong There’s a lot more going on there,” he added quickly, when he realized his attempt to be named Employee of the Month had backfired “Still waters run deep, and all that.” As he rambled on, my face felt hot and I flushed What if they were right? If they all thought that, surely they must be right If it hadn’t been a Friday night, I would have resigned immediately Instead, I got annihilated and did some pretty horrific snot-crying on the bus ride home, accompanied by a dark cloud of self-doubt that lasted far beyond my hangover Two years later, it’s about 11:00 a.m on a Tuesday morning in November I’m in the back of a taxi, and I’m struggling to breathe Twenty minutes earlier, I was in the office, having just taken some new medication for the migraines that had been plaguing me for months Almost instantly, my chest and the back of my throat had tightened in an allergic reaction I’m attempting to call my doctor while trying to work out whether to get the driver to take me home or to the hospital But my overriding thought is, I’ve got to get back to my desk or to my laptop before anyone notices I’ve gone Any anxiety I feel over the allergic reaction, or any concern at having had three migraines every week for the last eight, is overridden by the fear that I’ll be found out for what I am: not passionate enough, not committed enough, not anything enough for my job That I don’t deserve it A migraine isn’t a good enough reason not to reply immediately to an email, and a trip to the emergency room is no excuse for missing a deadline Therefore, I’m failing Last year, I worked something out I realized that, although I have very few of the obvious qualities one imagines an editor would possess—at least in the Meryl Streep, Devil Wears Prada vein (sharp suit, icy stare)—I’m okay at my job Scratch that: I’m good at my job But I only got okay, then good at it, when I worked out that embracing who I was and what I was good at, rather than pretending to be someone else, was the only thing that was going to work The minute I stopped questioning whether I was the right person for the role and focused on doing the job, everything fell into place Basically, I embraced my inner Beta But you don’t have to it my way—spending the better part of a decade sweatypalmed in meetings, panicking every Sunday night, and penning imaginary resignation letters twice weekly As it happens, I’d never seen myself as an editor I’d always known I wanted to write, and as I studied journalism and applied diligently for jobs, I pictured myself as a staff writer somewhere—researching stories, doing interviews, and filing my copy to a shadowy editor figure, who bore no resemblance to the person I imagined my adult self would become Because, as we’re told, there’s only one type of person who becomes the boss, and I certainly wasn’t it After I graduated, I started working for a publishing agency in south London We had a small team and worked on lots of different projects I was a decent writer, worked hard, and was happy to help out with even the most tedious or laborious tasks, so eventually I was made editor of my own little magazine (I was also the deputy editor, staff writer, and editorial assistant) Then I worked on a bigger magazine, and eventually, I was made editor again, with my own small team to manage And then the recession hit We lost the contract for our magazine, I lost my job, and at age twenty-six, I had to work out how to be a writer, editor, and maybe even a boss outside the confines of the safe little space I’d worked in for the last four years With each new freelance gig or job I took, I was convinced that this would be the one where I’d find my feet, where I’d feel from the outset that I was being taken seriously But, of course, the world doesn’t work like that How highly you rate your own ability has nothing to with the job you’re in, and everything to with your own sense of self What I didn’t realize was that, although I’d start each job disappointed that I hadn’t morphed into the professional wunderkind I wanted to be, I was gradually learning what success meant to me But I didn’t understand that at the time Instead, I spent the rest of my twenties and my early thirties feeling like a bad editor and a bad boss So, what changed? In part, I got a bit older and stopped worrying No one was trying to have me fired, so I couldn’t have been doing that bad a job, right? (Classic Beta self-deprecation, right there ) And I got more experienced—I learned more things On the day I started at the place where I currently work, someone asked me a technical question to which I knew the answer More than that, I was the only person around who did know the answer Somehow, I’d gone from always feeling like the youngest and least experienced member of the team to the most experienced Or, to put it another way, it took me until I was thirty-one to grasp that there were occasions when I was the most experienced person in the room But experience isn’t really about knowing the answers It’s about being okay with not knowing the answers And the real breakthrough for me came when I stopped reacting to what I thought other people were thinking (which is a ridiculous and pointless guessing game) and started focusing on what I wanted to achieve Easier said than done, but if you nail that, it’s truly liberating A huge part of this was about my embracing the Beta Feeling okay about admitting when I didn’t know something (which is easier when you realize that no one else has a clue either), or when I was making a decision based on gut instinct (because gut instinct is part of the reason they hired me), and embracing the fact that I’d probably get it wrong sometimes (there’s nothing more Beta than being able to own your mistakes with good grace) But that’s all useful stuff for life in general, so why are we focusing on the workplace here? It’s only in the last sixty years or so that women have entered the workplace in any sort of meaningful way My mother was probably one of the first generations of women who went to work as a matter of course For her, Alpha or Beta didn’t come into it She worked in a male-dominated environment and rarely with other women Finding her place at the office had its own challenges, but the idea that she could be more than one “type” of woman never occurred to her The fact that she was there, and thriving, was enough Almost forty years after she first joined the workplace, we’re still struggling to find more than two blueprints for how a woman should be For example, we’re endlessly told that our job needs to be the center of our universe; it has to be our passion Clocking off at 5:00 p.m isn’t an option (unless you’re clocking off at five to pursue your secretpassion project, which one day you intend to make your full-time career) Success at work only looks one way And a successful woman? She’s shouting louder than everyone else in the room She’s stubborn and argumentative because these are signs that she’s passionate about the project at hand and cares about its success above all else Ergo, she’s good at her job And where does that leave the rest of us? Those of us who ask questions before making decisions, for whom compromise isn’t a dirty word but a way to make things work and drive things forward? Is wanting evenings and weekends to be about something more than a screen and work a sign of laziness? Are we by default bad at our jobs? Do we not care enough? Because that’s kind of how the narrative goes right now But there’s a good reason why women’s roles in the workplace lack so much nuance— and it’s why this book is about Beta women and work, not about Beta people Men don’t need to figure out where they fit in the workplace to the same extent—the workplace was created to fit around them Men have had centuries to fine-tune how their individual personality types can survive and thrive in an office environment Women have had just sixty years to get it right, and when we’re still fighting to be paid the same amount as our male counterparts, it’s no wonder that when we smash through the glass ceiling, or even attempt to get near it, our roles become one-dimensional Who’s got time to blaze a trail on their own terms when we’ve got all of this to contend with? It’s exhausting So that’s where we are: 47 percent of the workforce reduced to being the secretary or the shoulder-pad-wearing bitch-boss But that’s not my reality, and I’m guessing it’s not yours either How you know if you’re an Alpha or a Beta woman? It’s tricky, because almost every career coach, psychologist, or, indeed, woman I spoke to had a different answer when I asked them if they could explain what Alpha and Beta were, and which camp they fell into And the fact is, we’re all on a spectrum of Alpha- and Beta-ness, but we need to start somewhere When I’m talking about Alpha and Beta women, this is always what I think of: you have two women in your office, both great at their jobs but with very different personalities One is Alpha Woman, and she possesses many of the traits we readily associate with success She is impeccably dressed, perfectly groomed, and highly organized She is always on time and is always prepared for every meeting or presentation She is decisive and will be the first to share her opinion in a meeting (the rest of the room will often defer to that opinion, such is her authority) She has no apparent fear of confrontation She is highly competitive, whether she’s running a marathon or working her way through the Booker Prize shortlist before anyone else She has boundless levels of energy and enthusiasm, her social media output is perfectly curated—in fact, she is excellent at promoting her own work and achievements via every available medium She’s focused, single-minded, and will push things through even when other people don’t agree with her (which means she can also be dogmatic and will kick up a fuss when she doesn’t get her own way) She’s the woman in the office whom men will describe as “scary” or “a bitch” when they don’t get their own way with her She may be inspiring, she may be intimidating, but she’s certainly Alpha She starts the conversation; she sets the agenda Others follow Got it? Right What about Beta? She may appear (but not always) to be less organized than her Alpha peer, but this is mainly because if she is less than prepared for a meeting, she’ll certainly fess up to it rather than styling it out, as Alpha would (Alpha Woman would never show weakness; Beta Woman is constantly revealing hers.) Beta Woman is an excellent team player and collaborator, and her team loves her, but she’s also extremely self-deprecating When she speaks up in a meeting (the idea that a Beta Woman will sit in silence and never share her opinion is a myth; she just considers what she says beforehand), she’ll qualify everything as “opinion” rather than “fact.” She’s laid-back and feels she hasn’t enough energy to be “on” all the time, unlike her Alpha colleague She’s a hard worker—diligent—but when she’s finished work for the day, she’s finished When she makes decisions, they are considered and thought-out, and she tries to be as accommodating and flexible as she can, to ensure that the needs—and agendas—of as many people as possible are met Men in the office who don’t get what she’s about might describe her as a “pushover” or a “lightweight.” None of us will be all of either Alpha or Beta; for example, I’ve written what is basically the Beta description about myself, but I know I share some traits with Alpha And plenty of classic Alpha women will, I’m sure, identify with some aspects of a Beta personality But which of these women looks like success? Is it the quieter, considered Beta, or the decisive, make-things-happen Alpha? It’s the Alpha every time, but that’s wrong Not because the Alpha isn’t doing a great job, but because we should all be able to succeed on our own terms—however loudly we shout I’m only just working this out, which is part of the point of this book—it’s my way of finding out if I can be truly successful on my own terms, without emulating other people’s model for success But also, and more important, I want to champion the aforementioned Beta girl, because she’s doing a great job, and no one tells her so often enough I want to sing her praises from the rooftops and remind us all that success can look however you want it to And we’re going to need Beta Woman more than ever, because the world is changing, fast We need people who can lead with emotional intelligence, be flexible to new ideas, and adapt their plans when required, leaving their egos at the door Beta Woman’s time is now So here’s to the collaborators, the pragmatists, and the people who believe that being nice works and that getting your own way isn’t always the most important thing Here’s to the unsung workforce of Beta women who are being great bosses, great leaders, and are still sometimes at the front of the charge to the bar at 5:01 p.m Because I’m sure being a superwoman is great, but it doesn’t always look like the most fun ACKN O WL EDGMEN TS An extra special thank-you to two people—my husband, Bear, who provided the catering for this whole endeavor, and put up with endless tantrums, freak-outs, and meltdowns along the way, and my mother, Jackie, whose first job after retirement was part-time research assistant, part-time editor, part-time transcription service, and full-time cheerleader for this book I also need to thank my amazing agent, Bryony, who handheld me through the entire process and shaped my book proposal into something great; and to Charlotte and the team at Coronet, who have been absolutely fantastic And, of course, the dozens of women who gave up their precious time to tell me about their experiences in the workplace Finally, all the great women I’ve worked with who’ve been Alpha, Beta, and everything in between I literally couldn’t have done it without you ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ INDEX The page numbers in this index refer to the printed version of this book The link provided will take you to the beginning of that print page You may need to scroll forward from that location to find the corresponding reference on your e-reader Academy of Management Journal study about conflict between women, 209 accents, 174–75, 186 actual self, 70–72, 74–75 African Americans and workplace discrimination, 159–68 agentic vs communal personalities, age-related issues, 161–62 Agrawal, Miki, 10 all-female teams, 106–10 “All of Your Devices Are Bumming You Out” (article), 156–57 Alpha bosses acting as a manager vs bullying, 201–2 advantages of, 95–96, 212–13 gender differences, 205 replaced by others, 10–11 working with Beta team members, 200–3, 211–13 Alpha leadership traits, 40, 62–63, 147–48 Alpha Male Syndrome (Erlandson and Ludeman), Alpha men, 104–5 “alpha personas,” 194 Alpha Woman famous examples of, 4, 25 hardcore drive of, 1–2 myth of multitasking, 156 “Nasty Woman,” 246 stereotype, 23, 64 traits, xiv–xv, 6–7, 212–13 “velvet glove” management style, 205 Angelou, Maya, 89 anxiety and depression caused by burnout, 142–44 caused by social media, 72–74, 156–57 appearance being judged on, 170–73, 178–79 being labeled “unprofessional,” 167, 170 clothing choices, 150–51, 166–72 and confidence, 172 hairstyles, 166–68 Petitions Committee and Women and Equalities Committee report, 170 University of the West of Scotland study on judging prospective candidates, 170–71 weight, 172–73 Arizona State University study of baboons and females in their groups, 114–15 Asian workers and workplace discrimination, 165–66 attitude and gender, 122, 246–48 authenticity See also inauthenticity “Authentic Leadership: Application to Woman Leaders” (article), 195–96 authentic leadership style, 195–96 authenticity at work, 196 benefits for organizations, 187–88 blogs, vlogs, and social media, 79, 83–84, 188–89 complicated nature of people, 75–77 and Donald Trump, 188 evolution of the authentic self, 190–91 faking, 184–86 moving out of your comfort zone, 190 as one on the most important traits for a leader, 186–87 overuse of the term, 189 “The Paradox of Authenticity” (article), 190 of public figures, 59–61 sense of self, 99–100 workplace obstacles to, 187, 195–96 “Authentic Leadership: Application to Woman Leaders” (article), 195–96 Avelis, Jade, 90 Balls, Ed, 60–61 Baratta, Alex, 174–75, 186 Batman and Robin, behavior being direct, 210–11 being loud, 18–20, 39–40, 236–37 being “nice,” 20–21 being polite, 236–37 benefits of taking a moment to consider options, 130 Beta-ness as an aid to getting along with other women at work, 102–3 as an obstacle to reporting sexism and sexual harassment, 243–44 as a fundamental personality trait, 98 negative aspects of, 94–95, 96, 217–18, 222–23 positive aspects of, 98 Beta Woman author’s experiences as a Beta boss with an Alpha team, 215–17, 219–20, 223–24 famous examples of, “in Alpha clothing,” 56–58 as a professional sidekick, 5, 199–200, 212 society’s need for, xvii traits, xv–xvi, 4–5, 217, 222–23 Bezos, Jeff, 62–63 bias, unconscious, 161–62 Blandin, Kesstan, 41–42 Boxed In (report), 32–33 brand, perceived importance of a personal, 56–59 Branson, Sir Richard, 134 Brave (film), 36 brevity, advantages of, 131 Brick, Samantha, 106–7 Brief: Making a Bigger Impact by Saying Less (McCormack), 131 Buchanan, Daisy, 73, 75, 78, 153–54 #buildingmyempire (Instagram), 57 burnout anxiety and depression caused by, 142–44 “brownout,” 143 exhaustion of competition, 145 Laura Jane Williams’s experience, 144–45 mental energy wasted by microdecisions and second-guessing, 151–53 from social media, 154–55 stress over leisure time activities, 145–46 Cain, Susan, 11 career advice, 51–54 Catalyst study about women of color, 163 celebrities determination required to succeed, 29 importance of being perceived as a Beta, 26–28 relatability to, 26–28 Center for Applications of Psychology Type, 41 Center for the Study of Women in Television and Film at San Diego State University, 32 Center for Women Policy Studies study, 162–63 challenges executive-level, 163 taking on, 253 twenty-first-century, 13–14 change authentic change from Alpha to Beta, 191 evolution of the authentic self, 190–91 facing, 13–14 Chinese workers and workplace discrimination, 165–66 Chomsky, Noam, 177 Chritton, Susan, 56 Clarke, Kenneth, 122 Clinton, Hillary, 25, 26, 246 clothing choices, 146–47, 150–51, 168–72 college degree, uncertainty of a, 53 Collett, Jessica, 90 Columbia Business School study of inauthenticity, 185 Columbia Business School study of the number of women in senior management, 206 communal vs agentic personalities, competition between women for management roles, 205–9 control, 211–12 Conway, Kellyanne, 188 “Cool Girl” description, 64–65 Cooper, Marianne, 7–8 creativity, embracing, 250–51 Crenshaw, Dave, 156 criticism of A A Gill’s post, 124–25 author’s experiences with, 127–30, 134–36 of appearance at work, 166–72 for being “direct,” 210–11 constructive, 131–32 displacement, 133 as a display of power, 133–34 judging the validity of, 132–33 of Justine Sacco’s tweet, 123–24, 127 as a negative Alpha trait, 120–21 of Polly Vernon’s book, 125–26 public shaming, 123–26, 254 responding to, 121, 137 the rush to criticize, 119–20, 125, 133–34 saying “no,” 123 for a social media post, 119, 123–25 unfair criticism, 120, 127 Ctrl Alt Delete: How I Grew Up Online (Gannon), 58 CV-Library study of work spouses, 111 Danziger, Shai, 147 decisions, making Anna Hart’s simplification of her daily life, 148–50 as a Beta, 218–19 clothing choices, 146–47, 150–51, 168–72 decision fatigue, 147, 152 decisiveness, 147–48 microdecisions, 151–52 parole board study, 147 the toll of, 151–53 trade-offs, 152–53 Deloitte Global Human Capital Trends (report), 55 the digital world, 13 discrimination accents, 174–75, 186 racial, 159–68 stereotypes, 160–62, 165 disruption, 51 diversity in the workplace, 164–65 earned media value (EMV), 81–82 Eckert, Penny, 177–78 economic change gig economy, 54–56 moving away from hierarchical organizational structure, 54–55 technology empowering people’s careers, 55 education uncertainty of a college degree, 53 The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defense (Freud), 133 Ellison, Sara Fisher, 109 emotional distance, 20–21, 196–97 emotional intelligence (emotional quotient), xvii, 4, 14, 53–54 entertainment media’s influence, 36–38 Erlandson, Eddie, 4, 6, 22, 61–62, 95–96, 194, 205, 211, 235 Everdeen, Katniss, 36 executive-level challenges, 163, 205–9 extroverts vs introverts, 11–12, 19–20 Fabian Society, 52 Facebook, 81–82, 170–71 failure, feeling like a, 87, 255 “faking it” author’s experiences, 67–69, 181–83, 186 health consequences of, 184–86 limitations of, 183–84 self-discrepancy theory, 70–71, 74–75 famous Alpha Women, 4, 25 famous Beta Women, female-only work environments, 237 @femscriptintros (Twitter), 31 Fey, Tina, 26, 28 film See also popular culture; television character occupations, 31–32 effect of inequality on children, 34–35 gender stereotypes, 32–33, 35–36 messages for women, 33 portrayals of women, 29–31, 33–34 Financial Times Stock Exchange (FTSE) Woman Leaders Review 2016, 107–8 Flynn, Gillian, 64–65 fraud, feeling like a, 87–88 Freud, Anna, 133 Friedman, Ann, 27–28 friendship author’s experiences with female work relationships, 110–11, 114, 116 baboon study about female bonding, 114–15 difference between male and female work environments, 117 difficult female work relationships, 116 support in a female-only work environment, 237 Gannon, Emma, 58–60, 76–77 Geena Davis Institute on Gender in Media, 31–32, 34–35, 105 gender Academy of Management Journal study about conflict between women, 209 and attitude, 122, 246–48 and authentic leadership, 195–96 bias, 34–35, 207 and clothing choices, 146–47, 150–51, 168–72 differences, 6–7, 156, 205 discrimination, mentoring as a solution to, 209 female-only work environments, 108, 237 and gossip (OnePoll survey), 209–10 male-only work environments, 237–38 MIT and GWU study of productivity and single-gender vs mixed-gender teams, 109 quotas, unofficial, 206 team composition, 106–10, 235–36 voice affectations in women, 177 George Washington University, 109–10 Ghent University study on Impostor Syndrome, 89 gig economy, 54–56 Gill, A A., 124–25 Glass, Ira, 177–78 #goals, 73 Goffee, Rob, 186–87, 189 Goffman, Erving, 72 Gone Girl (Flynn), 64–65 Gothenburg City Council productivity experiment, 15–16 hairstyles, criticism about, 166–68 Harriet (working for an unreasonable boss), 200–1 Hart, Anna, 148–50 Harvard Business School study of inauthenticity, 185 Hathaway, Anne, 27–28 headspace, getting, 140 Heldman, Caroline, 36, 105 Higgins, E Tory, 70 “Hillary Catch-22,” 28 Hogan, Bernie, 126–27 holiday depression, 74 Hopkins, Margaret M., 195–96 Hot Feminist (Vernon), 125–26 hours worked and productivity author’s mother’s experience, 14–15, 91–92 Gothenburg City Council study, 15–16 in professional service industries, 16–17 Hummel, Tania, 6, 53–54, 63, 203–5, 221–22 Ibarra, Herminia, 190, 192 ideal self, 70–72, 75 Impostor Syndrome author’s experience with, 85–87, 89–90, 248–49 author’s mother’s experience with, 91–92 benefits and drawbacks of, 93 in the corporate world, 99–100, 251 famous women with, 89 recognition of, 87, 251 impressions made in the workplace, 178–79 inauthenticity See also authenticity acceptable circumstances of, 192 different personas at home and work, 193 exhausting nature of an all-male work environment, 237–38 Northwestern, Harvard Business School, and Columbia Business School study, 185 psychological impact of, 184–86 individuality, 187 information overload, 154–55 Instagram, 81–82 introverts vs extroverts, 11–12, 19–20 ITV and Comres study about accent discrimination, 174 Jayaratne, T E., 205–6 Jemma (author’s employee), 38–39, 96–97 job performance anxieties, 254–55 job role(s), 69, 94–95 Jobs, Steve, 146, 151 Jones, Bridget, Jones, Gareth, 186–87, 189 Kalanick, Travis, 9–10 Kets de Vries, Manfred, 62–63 Kouchaki, Maryam, 185 language choice generational differences, 161–62 in the workplace, 43–44 Lawrence, Jennifer, 26–28 leaders Alpha leadership traits, 40 authentic leadership, 195–96 as depicted in films, 32–33 the ESTJ American archetype, 42 importance of moving out of their comfort zones, 190 qualities of good leadership, 61–62, 187 stereotypes of managers and, 37–38 Levav, Jonathan, 147 Long Island University study of vocal fry, 177 Ludeman, Kate, 6, 194 Lumina Learning psychometric tests, 221–22, 224–25 male-dominated environments, 88, 92, 237–38 management See also the workplace Alpha bosses, advantages of, 95–96 Alpha bosses replaced by others, 10–11 author’s experience as an unqualified boss, 47–50 balanced environment, creating a more, 44 Beta boss in a room full of Alpha women, 103–4 Betas as better leaders than Alphas, 8–9 clashes in work styles, 203–5 Columbia Business School study about the number of women in senior management, 206 emotional distance, keeping, 20–21 female bosses as a rarity, 41, 205–9 leaders as depicted in films, 32–33 negative managerial style, 129, 134 stereotypes, 37–38, 160–62 Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT), 109 May, Theresa, 122, 151 McCormack, Joseph, 131 McManus, Sally, 73–74 meetings being loud or dominating the conversation during, 18–20, 39–40, 130–31, 194, 236–37 interruptions during, gender differences regarding, 40 mental health anxiety and depression caused by burnout, 142–44 anxiety and depression caused by social media, 72–74, 156–57 energy wasted on microdecisions and second-guessing, 151–53 getting enough headspace, 140 physical effects of, 142, 144 psychological impact of being inauthentic, 184–86 taking time off, 141, 157 mentoring, 208–9 Michigan State University study about media multitasking and mental health, 156–57 Miliband, Ed, 60 Miller, Earl, 155–56 Mills, Corinne, 132, 196–97, 202 Miss Representation (film), 35 Moran, Caitlin, 30 motivation for posting social media photos, 77–79 understanding personal, 222–25, 252 movies See film multitasking, 155–57 Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), 41–42 The Myth of Multitasking (Crenshaw), 156 myths about workplace culture, 14–21 narcissism, 63 “Nasty Woman,” 246 National Health Service study, 73–74 nature vs nurture Alpha and Beta traits developed in childhood, 22 negativity, 129, 134 networking, 56 Northwestern University study of inauthenticity, 185 Northwestern University study of voice, 176 Obama, Barack, 146, 150 Obama, Michelle, 150–51 occupations depicted in films, 31–32 office relationships, female, 101–2, 105, 108–10 Office for Standards in Education (Ofsted), 52–53 O’Neil, Deborah, 195–96 O’Neill, Essena, 82 opinion as currency, 119–20, 125–27, 136 options, pausing to consider, 130 opting out of opportunities, 96–97 of social media, 80–82 ought self, 70–72, 74–75 Out of Sight (report), 52–53 “The Paradox of Authenticity” (article), 190 parole board example of decision fatigue, 147 Paul, Annie Murphy, 185–86 perceptions of women in the workplace accents, 174–75, 186 external factors, 159–61 in general, 117–18 perfection, pursuit of, 73, 157–58 performance on the job, anxieties about, 254–55 personal brand, perceived importance of a, 56–59 Personal Branding for Dummies (Chritton), 56 personality types agentic vs communal, the ESTJ American archetype, 42 introverts vs extroverts, 11–12 Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), 41–42 outcome-focused, people-oriented, psychometric tests to understand traits, 221–22, 224–25 the TJ leader, 42 Petitions Committee and Women and Equalities Committee report on women’s appearances, 170 Poehler, Amy, 26, 28 politeness in the workplace, 236–37 popular culture See also film; television depictions of female working relationships, 105 entertainment media’s influence, 36–38 famous Alpha Women, 4, 25 famous Beta Women, “post-fact world,” authenticity in a, 188 power, demonstrating by being critical, 133–34 by being demanding, 202 sexual harassment and sexual assault, 241–44 productivity and hours worked, 14–17, 91–92 and single-gender vs mixed-gender teams, 108–9 psychometric tests to understand traits, 221–22, 224–25 public self vs private self, 72, 191–94 public shaming, 123–26, 254 public speaking, 181–83, 186, 249 Queen Bee Syndrome, 205–9 Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking (Cain), 11 quitting a job because of sexism or sexual harassment, 231–32, 242–43 quotas, unofficial, 206 racial discrimination, 159–68 relatability, 26 relationships, female office, 101–2, 105, 108–10 Representation Project, 35–36 Ronson, Jon, 124–25, 127 Sacco, Justine, 123–24, 127 Sandberg, Sheryl, 89 Sara (working with a good friend), 113 saying “no,” 123 Scarred For Life? (report), 52 Scott, Graham, 170–71 self-deprecating behavior, 80 self-discrepancy theory, 70–71, 74–75 selfies, 77–78, 81–82 self-protection, 197–98 sexism author’s interviews with women about, 239–40, 251 Beta-ness as an obstacle to reporting, 243–44 blame, 231–32 dealing with, 229–35, 241–43 labels for women, 228–29, 246 sexist opinions, 45 sexual harassment Beta-ness as an obstacle to reporting, 243–44 blame, 232–33 dealing with, 231–32, 242–43 media rumors of, 9–10 statistics, 241 shaming, public, 123–26 Sian (confronting a rude coworker), 235 sidekick role of Beta Woman, 5, 199–200, 212 of women to Alpha male leaders, 42 skills emotional intelligence (emotional quotient), xvii, 4, 14, 53–54 networking, 56 top ten required, 14, 53–54, 55–56 social media authenticity and, 79, 83–84 burnout, 154–55 as a cause of anxiety and depression, 72–74, 156–57 criticism of a post, 119 Facebook, 81–82, 170–71 Instagram, 81–82 Michigan State University study of media multitasking and mental health, 156–57 and mob rule, 126–27 opting out of, 80–82 posting photos for fun or validation, 77–79 profile photos and assessment of job candidates, 170–71 to reconcile different senses of self, 71–73, 192–93 role in journalism, 13 self-deprecating behavior, 80 selfies, 77–78 self-promotion, 50–51 Twitter, 123–24, 125–27 University of Sussex study of media multitasking and brain structure, 157 YouTube, 188–89 Social Mobility and Child Poverty Commission report on accent discrimination, 174 Society of Teachers of Speech and Drama description of vocal fry as a speech impediment, 178 So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed (Ronson), 124 spectrum of Alpha and Beta, xiv, xvi, 3–4, 23, 220 speech accents, perceptions of, 174–75, 186 ITV and Comres study about accent discrimination, 174 Long Island University study of vocal fry, 177 loudness or dominating the conversation, 18–20, 39–40, 130–31, 194, 236–37 masculine vs feminine voice preferences, 176 Northwestern University, University of Colorado, and Tilburg University study of voice, 176 public speaking, 181–83, 186, 249 received pronunciation, 174–75 Social Mobility and Child Poverty Commission report on accent discrimination, 174 Society of Teachers of Speech and Drama description of vocal fry as a speech impediment, 178 vocal fry, 176–78 voice affectations in women, 177 voice levels, 18–20, 39–40, 176 Spicer, Sean, 188 Staines, G L., 205–6 stereotypes Alpha Woman, 23 gender, 32–33, 35–36 of leaders and managers, 37–38 racial, 161, 165 Stone, Pamela, 54, 207–8 Strictly Come Dancing (TV show), 60–61 success in the 2010s, 58–59 measuring, 50–51, 74, 83–84 professional, in real life, 65–66 tips for, 252–56 “superwomen,” 59, 90–91 Swift, Taylor, 25, 26 Tavris, C., 205–6 team players, 8–9 teams and gender distribution, 106–10, 235–36 and racial distribution, 160 technology’s role in society, 13, 55 television See also film; popular culture women’s representation on, 35–37 tests to understand personality traits, 221–22, 224–25 Thatcher, Margaret, 122 Thinx, 10 This American Life (podcast), 177 Thomas, Kaitlin, 109–10 Tierney, John, 147 Tilburg University study of voice, 176 tips for success in your life, 252–56 Trade Union Congress study of sexual harassment at work, 241 traits of the Alpha Woman, xiv–xv, 6–7, 212–13 of the Beta Woman, xv–xvi, 4–5, 217, 222–23 developed in childhood, 22 introverts vs extroverts, 11–12, 19–20 outcome-focused personalities, people-oriented personalities, Trump, Donald, 26, 188, 246 truth vs authenticity, 188 Twitter, 123–24, 125–27 Uber, 9–10 uncertain nature of the world today, 53–54 unconscious bias, 161–62 University of Colorado study of voice, 176 University of Copenhagen study of holiday depression, 74 University of Pennsylvania study of baboons and females in their groups, 114–15 University of Sussex study of media multitasking and brain structure, 157 University of the West of Scotland study on judging appearances, 170–71 vacation time, 141 validation, seeking, 77–79 Vernon, Polly, 125–26 Vivas, Eduardo, 55 vocal fry, 176–78 voice levels, 18–20, 39–40 The Voice (TV show), 57 Voyer, Ben, 71–72 Watson, Emma, 25, 89 weight, feeling judged about, 172–73 Williams, Laura Jane, 75–76, 144–45 Williams, Nicole, 4–5, Wilson, Glenn, 155, 156 Winslet, Kate, 89 “Women in S&P 500 Companies by Race/Ethnicity” (study), 163 women of color African Americans and workplace discrimination, 159–68 “concrete ceiling,” 163 criticism about hairstyles, 166–68 dealing with stereotypes, 160–62 “Women in S&P 500 Companies by Race/Ethnicity” (study), 163 work/life balance, 58–60, 256 the workplace See also management diversity, 164–65 fictional character occupations, 31–32 hours worked, 14–18, 74 impressions made in, 178–79 interruptions, gender differences regarding, 40 language choice, 43–44 loudness or dominating meetings, 18–20, 39–40, 130–31, 194, 236–37 management preferences, 8–9, 95–96 micro-aggressions, 164 myths about workplace culture, 14–21 obstacles to authenticity, 187 office politics, culture of, 107, 119–137, 163–64 perceptions of women in, 117–18 politeness in, 236–37 professional success, racial discrimination, 159–60, 163–66 sexism, 45, 229–44, 251 sexual harassment, 9–10, 232–33, 241–44 stereotypes, 160–62, 165 team players, 8–9 teams and gender distribution, 106–10, 235–36 technology’s role in, 13 top skills required, 14 twenty-first-century challenges, 13–14 work wife author’s experiences with female work relationships, 110–11 career benefits of, 111 CV-Library study of work spouses, 111 rewards of strong work connections, 113–14 role of, 111–14 University of Pennsylvania and Arizona State University study of baboons, 114–15 Yeung, Rob, 16–17 Young Women’s Trust, 52 YouTube, 188–89 Zuckerberg, Mark, 146, 151 ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ ABO UT THE AUTHO R Rebecca Holman is the editorial director of Grazia online in the UK Previously, she was the editor of The Debrief, an award-winning website for millennial women Based in London, she has been a columnist for the Telegraph’s “Wonder Women” section and has written about dating, relationships, lifestyle, and pop culture for Grazia, Red, Psychologies, Marie Claire Australia, and Stella What’s next on your reading list? Discover your next great read! Get personalized book picks and up-to-date news about this author Sign up now ... DATA Names: Holman, Rebecca, author Title: Quiet girls can run the world : owning your power when you’re not the alpha in the room / Rebecca Holman Other titles: Beta Description: New York :... can be an excellent leader whether they’re an Alpha or a Beta, but they can certainly have very different management and work-ing styles At the extreme end of the spectrum, the portrayal of the. .. (CEO, CFO), in the legal world, or in the political arena The report also notes that female characters are noticeably absent from the upper echelons of power across multiple industries Not one woman