Reading comprehension for Gifted sts

Đọc đoạn văn sau trả lời câu hỏi: In the early 1800s, to reach the jump-off point for the West, a family from the East of the United States could either buy steamboat passage to Missouri for themselves, their wagons, and their livestock or-as happened more often-simply pile everything into a wagon, hitch up a team, and begin their overland trek right in their front yard Along the macadamized roads and turnpikes east of the Missouri River, travel was comparatively fast, camping easy, and supplies plentiful Then, in one river town or another, the neophyte emigrants would pause to lay in provisions For outfitting purposes, the town of Independence had been preeminent ever since 1827, but the rising momentum of pioneer emigration had produced some rival jump-off points Westport and Fort Leavenworth flourished a few miles upriver St Joseph had sprung up 55 miles to the northwest; in fact, emigrants who went to Missouri by riverboat could save four days on the trail by staying on the paddle-wheelers to St Joe before striking overland At whatever jump-off point they chose, the emigrants studied guidebooks and directions, asked questions of others as green as themselves, and made their final decisions about outfitting They had various, sometimes conflicting, options For example, either pack animals or two-wheel carts or wagons could be used for the overland crossing A family man usually chose the wagon It was the costliest and slowest of the three, but it provided space and shelter for children and for a wife who likely as not was pregnant Everybody knew that a top-heavy covered wagon might blow over in a prairie wind or be overturned by mountain rocks, that it might mire in river mud or sink to its hubs in desert sand-but maybe if those things happened on this trip, they would happen to someone else Anyway, most pioneers, with their farm background, were used to wagons What is the topic of this passage? B (A) Important river towns (B) Getting started on the trip west (C) The advantages of traveling by wagon (D) Choosing a point of departure All of the following can be inferred from the passage about travel east of the Missouri EXCEPT that it D (A) was faster than in the West (B) was easier than in the West (C) took place on good roads (D) was usually by steamboat The phrase "jump-off point" in lines 1, 13 and 18 is closest in meaning to B (A) a bridge across a river (B) a point of departure (C) a gathering place (D) a trading post Which of the cities that served as a jump-off point can be inferred from the passage to be farthest west? B (A) Independence (B) St Joseph (C) Westport (D) Fort Leavenworth The word "preeminent" in line 11 is closest in meaning to B (A) oldest (B) superior (C) most easily reached (D) closest The author implies in the passage that the early emigrants D (A) knew a lot about travel (B) were well stocked with provisions when they left their homes (C) left from the same place in Missouri (D) preferred wagon travel to other types of travel The word "neophyte" in line is closest in meaning to D (A) eager (B) courageous (C) prosperous (D) inexperienced All of the following were mentioned in the passage as options for modes of transportation from the Missouri River to the West EXCEPT B (A) a wagon (B) a riverboat (C) a pack animal (D) a two-wheel cart In line 16, the word "striking" is closest in meaning to C (A) hitting (B) orienting (C) departing (D) marking 10 The expression "green" in line 19 is closest in meaning to C (A) frightened (B) optimistic (C) inexperienced (D) weary 11 All of the following features of the covered wagon made it unattractive to the emigrants EXCEPT C (A) the speed at which it could travel (B) its bulk (C) its familiarity and size (D) its cost 12 In line 28, the phrase "those things" refers to C (A) the types of transportation (B) the belongings of the pioneers (C) the problems of wagon travel (D) the overland routes Đọc đoạn văn sau trả lời câu hỏi: Until recently, most American entrepreneurs were men Discrimination against women in business, the demands of caring for families, and lack of business training had kept the number of women entrepreneurs small Now, however, businesses owned by women account for more than $40 billion in annual revenues, and this figure is likely to continue rising throughout the 1990s As Carolyn Doppelt Gray, an official of the Small Business Administration, has noted, "The 1970s was the decade of women entering management, and the 1980s turned out to be the decade of the woman entrepreneur" 10 What are some of the factors behind this trend? For one thing, as more women earn advanced degrees in business and enter the corporate world, they are finding obstacles Women are still excluded from most executive suites Charlotte Taylor, a management consultant, 15 had noted, "In the 1970s women believed if they got an MBA and worked hard they could become chairman of the board Now they've found out that isn't going to happen, so they go out on their own" In the past, most women entrepreneurs worked in "women's" fields: cosmetics 20 and clothing, for example But this is changing Consider ASK Computer Systems, a $22-million-a-year computer software business It was founded in 1973 by Sandra Kurtzig, who was then a housewife with degrees in math and engineering When Kurtzig founded the business, her first product was software that let weekly newspapers keep tabs 25 on their newspaper carriers-and her office was a bedroom at home, with a shoebox under the bed to hold the company's cash After she succeeded with the newspaper software system, she hired several bright computer-science graduates to develop additional programs When these were marketed and sold, ASK began to grow It now has 200 employees, 30 and Sandra Kurtzig owns $66.9 million of stock Of course, many women who start their own businesses fail, just as men often They still face hurdles in the business world, especially problems in raising money; the banking and finance world is still 35 dominated by men, and old attitudes die hard Most businesses owned by women are still quite small But the situation is changing; there are likely to be many more Sandra Kurtzigs in the years ahead.1 What is the main idea of this passage? D (A) Women today are better educated than in the past, making them more attractive to the business world (B) The computer is especially lucrative for women today (C) Women are better at small businesses than men are (D) Women today are opening more businesses of their own The word "excluded" in line 13 is closest in meaning to A (A) not permitted in (B) often invited to (C) decorators of (D) charged admission to All of the following were mentioned in the passage as detriments to women in the business world EXCEPT B (A) women were required to stay at home with their families (B) women lacked ability to work in business (C) women faced discrimination in business (D) women were not trained in business In line 17, "that" refers to A (A) a woman becomes chairman of the board (B) women working hard (C) women achieving advanced degrees (D) women believing that business is a place for them According to the passage, Charlotte Taylor believes that women in the 1970s A (A) were unrealistic about their opportunities in business management (B) were still more interested in education than business opportunities (C) had fewer obstacles in business than they today (D) were unable to work hard enough to succeed in business The author mentions the "shoebox under the bed" in the third paragraph in order to C (A) show the frugality of women in business (B) show the resourcefulness of Sandra Kurtzig (C) point out that initially the financial resources of Sandra Kurtzig's business were limited (D) suggest that the company needed to expand In line 20, the word "this" refers to C (A) women becoming entrepreneurs (B) women buying cosmetics and clothing (C) women working in "women's fields" (D) women staying at home B The expression "keep tabs on" in line 24-25 is closest in meaning to (A) recognize the appearance of (B) keep records of (C) provide transportation for (D) pay the salaries of The word "hurdles" in line 33 can be best replaced by B (A) fences (B) obstacles (C) questions (D) small groups 10 It can be inferred from the passage that the author believes that businesses operated by women are small because C (A) women prefer a small intimate setting (B) women can't deal with money (C) women are not able to borrow money easily (D) many women fail at large businesses 11 The author's attitude about the future of women in business is B (A) skeptical (B) optimistic (C) frustrated (D) negative Đọc đoạn văn sau trả lời câu hỏi: While most desert animals will drink water if confronted with it, for many of them the opportunity never comes Yet all living things must have water, or they will expire The herbivores find it in desert plants The carnivores slake their thirst with the flesh and blood of living prey One of the most remarkable adjustments, however, has been made by the tiny kangaroo rat, who not only lives without drinking but subsists on a diet of dry seeds containing about 5% free water Like other animals, he has the ability to manufacture water in his body by a metabolic conversion of carbohydrates But 10 he is notable for the parsimony with which he conserves his small supply by every possible means, expending only minuscule amounts in his excreta and through evaporation from his respiratory tract Investigation into how the kangaroo rat can live without drinking 15 water has involved various experiments with these small animals Could kangaroo rats somehow store water in their bodies and slowly utilize these resources in the long periods when no free water is available from dew or rain? The simplest way to settle this question was to determine the total water content in the animals to see if 20 it decreases as they are kept for long periods on a dry diet If they slowly use up their water, the body should become increasingly dehydrated, and if they begin with a store of water, this should be evident from an initial high water content Results of such experiments with kangaroo rats on dry diets for more than weeks showed that 25 the rats maintained their body weight There was no trend toward a decrease in water content during the long period of water deprivation When the kangaroo rats were given free access to water, they did not drink water They did nibble on small pieces of watermelon, but this did not change appreciably the water content in their bodies, 30 which remained at 66.3 to 67.2 during this period This is very close to the water content of dry-fed animals (66.5), and the availability of free water, therefore, did not lead to any "storage" that could be meaningful as a water reserve This makes 35 it reasonable to conclude that physiological storage of water is not a factor in the kangaroo rat's ability to live on dry food.1 What is the topic of this passage? A (A) Kangaroo rats (B) Water in the desert (C) Desert life (D) Physiological experiments The word "expire" inline is closest in meaning to B (A) become ill (B) die (C) shrink (D) dehydrate Which of the following is NOT a source of water for the desert animals? D (A) Desert plants (B) Metabolic conversion of carbohydrates in the body (C) The blood of other animals (D) Streams The word "it" in line refers to D (A) a living thing (B) the desert (C) the opportunity (D) water The author states that the kangaroo rat is known for all of the following EXCEPT D (A) the economy with which it uses available water (B) living without drinking water (C) breathing slowly and infrequently (D) manufacturing water internally The word "parsimony" in line 10 is closest in meaning to C (A) intelligence (B) desire (C) frugality (D) skill It is implied by the author that desert animals can exist with little or no water because of D (A) less need for water than other animals (B) many opportunities for them to find water (C) their ability to eat plants (D) their ability to adjust to the desert environment The word "deprivation" inline 26 is closest in meaning to D (A) preservation (B) renewal (C) examination (D) withholding According to the passage, the results of the experiments with kangaroo rats showed that C (A) kangaroo rats store water for use during dry periods (B) kangaroo rats took advantage of free access to water (C) there was no significant change in body weight due to lack of water or accessibility to water (D) a dry diet seems detrimental to the kangaroo rat's health Đọc đoạn văn sau trả lời câu hỏi: "The economic history of the United States", one scholar has written, "is the history of the rise and development of the capitalistic system." The colonists of the eighteenth century pushed forward what those of the seventeenth century had begun: the expansion and elaboration of an economy born in the great age of capitalist expansion Our excellent natural resources paved the way for the development of abundant capital to increase our growth Capital includes the tools-such as machines, vehicles, and buildings-that make the outputs 10 of labor and resources more valuable But it also includes the funds necessary to buy those tools If a society had to consume everything it produced just to stay alive, nothing could be put aside to increase future productions But if a farmer can grow more corn than his family needs to eat, he can use the surplus as seed to increase the next 15 crop, or to feed workers who build tractors This process of capital accumulation was aided in the American economy by our cultural heritage Saving played an important role in the European tradition; it contributed to Americans' motivation to put something aside today for the tools to buy tomorrow 20 The great bulk of the accumulated wealth of America, as distinguished from that which was consumed, was derived either directly or indirectly from trade Though some manufacturing existed, its role in the accumulation of capital was negligible A merchant class of opulent proportions 25 was already visible in the seaboard cities, its wealth the obvious consequence of shrewd and resourceful management of the carrying trade Even the rich planters of tidewater Virginia and the rice coast of South Carolina finally depended for their genteel way of life upon the ships and merchants who sold their tobacco and rice 30 in the markets of Europe As colonial production rose and trade expanded, a business community emerged in the colonies, linking the provinces by lines of trade and identity of interest.1 With what subject is this passage mainly concerned? C (A) Geography (B) Finance (C) Economics (D) Culture The phrase "paved the way for" in line is closest in meaning to B (A) paid for (B) supported (C) accumulated (D) resembled In line 10 the word "it" refers to D (A) growth (B) resources (C) labor (D) capital According to the passage, capital includes all of the following EXCEPT D (A) factories (B) tractors (C) money (D) workers In line 10, the word "funds" is closest in meaning to A (A) money (B) resources (C) output (D) support The phrase "put aside" in lines 13 is closest in meaning to B (A) hidden (B) saved (C) reviewed (D) consumed According to the passage, which of the following would lead to accumulating capital? D (A) Training workers who produce goods (B) Studying the cultural history of the country (C) Consuming what is produced (D) Planting more of a crop than is needed It can be inferred from the passage that the European ancestors of early Americans C (A) sent many tools to America (B) taught their skills to their offspring (C) were accustomed to saving (D) were good farmers According to the passage, the emergence of a business community in the colonies was a result of C (A) efficient saving (B) the immigration of wealthy bankers (C) the success of production and trade (D) the existence of manufacturing A new trick The conjurer was arranging a new stage trick, and on the day before its introduction he asked his young son to help him "When I ask for a boy to come on the stage, you must come at once But you must not anything or say anything that will make the audience think that you know me." The boy said he understood everything and when the conjurer asked for help, he came forward quickly and was invited on the stage When he got there, the conjurer said: "Look at this boy! He has never seen me before, have you, my boy?" "No, father!" answered the boy Sender: Pham Thuy Linh source: vnn.vn I didn't see A woman called in a repairman to fix her television Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock "Hurry!" she said to the repairman, "You'll have to hide my husband is insanely jealous." There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console The husband walked in and sat down in his favorite chair to watch some football Meanwhile, the repairman was inside the TV, all squashed up, and getting hotter and hotter Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, then looked back at the TV set again, and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you? Why are men and women so different ? "Why are men and women so different?" A woman has the last word in any argument Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument A woman marries a man expecting that he will change, but he doesn't A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want Checking up A boy walked into a drug store and asked permission to use the telephone Then the following conversation took place: "Is that you, Mr Jones?" "Yes," seemed to be the answer "Well, Mr Jones, I saw your advertisement in the morning paper the other day, and you wanted a boy Did you get one?" "Yes," seemed to be the answer again "Well, Mr Jones, are you satisfied with him?" The answer appeared still to be affirmative "Well, Mr Jones, if you are not satisfied, please call me at Main 54." The boy turned and wanted to go out, when the druggist, who had overheard, remarked, "You probably wanted to get the job, didn't you?" "Oh, no, sir," answered the boy, "I'm the boy, who is already working down there I just wanted to know whether they are satisfied with me." Secret A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits "Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen." Different price The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say "Things don't look good The only chance is a brain transplant This is an experimental procedure It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives "For a male brain, $500,000 For a female brain, $200,000." Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood A few actually smirked But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?" "A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used." That's odd Once there was a boy named Odd Odd was the butt of jokes his whole life, because of his name, even though he grew up to be a successful lawyer When Odd was old and about to die, he said, "People have been teasing me my whole life, and I don't want them doing it after I am dead, so I don't want my name printed on my tombstone." After Odd died, people saw his blank tombstone and said, "That's odd!" There is no doubt about it A poor man had a parrot which could only say the words "There is no doubt about it!" Its name was Poll, and all day long it called out, "There's no doubt about it!" To every question Poll always gave the same reply One day its master went to the market to sell it "Who will buy my parrot?" he cried "Twenty pounds for my parrot!" A man, hearing the high price that was asked, turned to the parrot and said; "Poll, are you worth twenty pounds?" "There's no doubt about it!" was Poll's reply The man was so pleased with this answer that he bought the bird and carried it home Some time later, he was sorry for his bargain Standing beside the parrot's cage, he said: "What a fool I was to throw away so much money!" "There's no doubt about it!" cried the bird A naughty boy One day, an old gentlement was walking along a street He saw a little boy near the door of a house The boy was standing at the door and trying to reach the door-bell which was too high for him The old gentlement was a kind-hearted man so he stopped to help the boy "I will ring the bell for you," he said and pulled the bell so hard that its ringing could be heard all over the house The little boy looked up at him and said laughing: "Now we must run away Come on." Before the old gentlement knew what was happening the naughty boy had disappeared round the corner of the street The old man had to explain to the angry owner of the house why he had rung the bell Sender: Pham Thuy Linh Email: thuylinh@vol.vnn.vn source: vnn.vn A careless answer Our new assistant, Christy 16, was in her first office job Co-workers were giving her basic instruction as the boss stepped out of his office and the telephone rang Christy answered professionally, but then birst out with: "He's in the toilet now." "Oh, no," one employee whispered to her, "Say he's with a customer." "He is in the toilet with a custmer," Christy told the caller source: vnn.vn Directions Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many >years Now they had a long talk trying to fill >in the gap of those years by telling about their >lives Finally, Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us "Great Where you live?" "Here's the address And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in." "Good But tell me what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?" "Surely, you're not coming empty-handed." I want to be possible The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew up A chorus of responses came from all over the room "A football player," "A doctor," "An astronaut," "The president," "A fireman," "A teacher," "A race car driver." Everyone that is, except Tommy The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still So she said to him, "Tommy, what you want to be when you grow up?" "Possible" Tommy replied "Possible?" asked the teacher "Yes," Tommy said "My mom is always telling me I'm impossible So when I get to be big, I want to be possible." You don't know Teacher:Alex! If you had a five pound note and you asked your granny for another one,what would you have? Alex: Five pounds Teacher:You don`t know your arithmetic Alex: And you don't know my granny In stead of It was the last day at school before Christmas when the teacher started asking all the pupils what would they like to hang on their Christmas tree First pupil: On my Christmas tree I will hang on a big golden star Second pupil: On my Christmas tree I will hang on my semester grades So the teacher asked the third what he would like to hang And so he answers: I would like to hang nothing on tree because my father says all the time that instead of my semester grades he will hang ME!!! No car has passed Jack: Mummy, can I go and play at my friend's house? Mummy: Of course, but don't cross the road until a car goes by, then you cross So Jack went out of the house After a few hours, Mummy waited anxiously for Jack to come home Then she found Jack outside their house Mummy: Why are you still here? Jack: No car has passed by yet, so I haven't crossed the road source: vnn.vn Curiosity Walking past the big wooden fence around the insane asylum, a guy hears everyone inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" His curiosity piqued, he finds a hole in the fence and looks inside All of a sudden a finger shoots through the hole and pokes out his eye, and the inmates start wildly chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!" Satan & his brother-in-law Sunday morning services were going very smoothly when suddenly a flash of light and smoke appeared in front of the pulpit followed by a large "BOOM" When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw a red figure complete with horns, pitchfork and tail Immediately, panic set in People crowded through the doors, trampling each other in their rush to get away Satan watched the retreat with great glee, but his mood was disturbed by the sight of one man still lounging comfortably in his pew "Do you not know who I am?", Satan thundered The man's reply was nonchalant, "Sure I do." Satan was puzzled "Do you not fear me?" "Nope." "Why not?" The man snorted, "What for? I been married to your sister for 35 years, and this is still better than going home!" Calf's milk The young mother asked the man who supplied her with milk if he kept any calves, and smile pleasedly when he said he did "Then," she continued brightly, "bring me a pint of calf's milk every day I think cow's milk is too strong for baby." 50/50 Marriage A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonalds He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup As he watched, the gentleman carefuly divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs The old gentleman said, "Oh no We've been married 50 years, and every thing has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, " not yet It's his turn with the teeth." Not a bit The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?" "Not a bit," the husband replied "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!" Lawyer's heart An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor The doctor said, we have possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle_aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years which you want? "I'll take the lawyer's heart", said the patient After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did " It was easy" said the patient, " I wanted a heart that hadn't been used." "You're going to die" A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone He said,"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress If you don't the following, your husband will surely die: "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress "Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse Try to relax your husband in the evening by being pleasant and giving him plenty of back rubs Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television "And, most importantly satisfy his every whim If you can this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied You can bark anywhere In an English-speaking country, people cannot pronounce a letter of 'P', they 'B' instead One day, a driver came to a restaurant While he was looking for a space to park his car, the owner got out of the restaurant and said, 'Hey, you can bark anywhere'!!! Little Johnny Boy A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself Next time In the summer I worked for a family restarant I usually finished at a.m, and my parents expected me home immediately after But one night, my friends pick me up after work to go to a party I lost track of the time until, to my dismay, I saw it was 5:45 a.m I rushed home, and as tiptoed to my besroom, I heard my mother called out, "What are you going up so early?" "Couldn't sleep," I replied "Thought I'd go for a run." I went for a run, stayed up all day, went to work all night and finally got home On my bedroom door was a note from Mom: "Carole, next time remember to mess the blankets on your bed." Too Many Confessions of Adultry An old priest was getting sick and tired of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery One Sunday in the pulpit he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" So the parishioners came up with a code word Someone who had committed adultery would say then "fallen" This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest died at a ripe old age About a weak later, the new priest visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned The priest said, "You have to something about the sidewalks in town, when people came into the confessional, they kept talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word The priest took an accusing finger at the Mayor and said, "I don't know what you are laughing about, your WIFE fell three times this weak." Captain A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York Being stupid twice Hung and Lan were watching a movie, in which a team of police officer were chasing after a bank robber to the edge of a very steep cliff Hung bet on the robber not jumping off the cliff while Lan insisted the guy would Then, bang, bang, the robber took off and was eventually rescued and carried to the hospital in a serious condition Hung paid Lan and said: 'I have a confession to make.' 'What's that?' Lan wondered ' I already watched the movie before.' 'Why did you still bet on him not jumping off?' 'Because I did not think he was stupid enough to hurt himself twice.' Key to loyalty In days of old, when knights were bold, and beauty was numerous an loyal This particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called for one of his squires 'I'am leaving for the crusade; here is my key to my wife's chastity belt If in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key.' The knight set out on the dusty road, armoured from head to toe, and took one last look at his castle As he was ready to ride off, he saw the squire rushing across the drawbridge, jelling for him 'WRONG KEY, SIR!' Adultary A man tells his mistress that anything she wants, he could it except shaving his beard For he already told his wife that his beard is an indication of his loyalty to her One day his girlfriend becomes suspicious of him being a married man She tells him that she would not love him unless he shaves his beard The man begs and begs without any success and finally yields to his girlfriend and has his beard shaved That very night, he goes home feeling guilty of cheating his loyal wife and scared of having to confess his sin He sneaks to the bed, making no noices and lying beside his wife The wife reaches out for his face and whispers: "Darling, not today, the beardy-bustard will come home in any moment." Crossword puzzle "Why are you crying, little man? said the old gent to a small boy "Father chewed me out for doing a crossword puzzle." "Good gracious! Why?" "Well, sir, one clue was a word of three letters meaning what is drunk every night - and I put "dad" Beggar "Why you beg?" "The truth is I beg to get money for booze (drink)." "Why you drink?" "To give me the courage to beg" They're gone St Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when 40 people from New York City showed up Never having seem anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's door, St Peter said he would have to check with God After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group A few minutes later, St Peter returned breathless and said, "They're gone!" "What?" said the God "All of them are gone?" "No!" replied St Peter "I'm talking about the Pearly Gates!" Really Drunk A man is at the bar, really drunk Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door On the way to the car, he falls down three times When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?" What does your Dad do? Two small boys were overheard talking at the zoo one day "My name is Billy What's yours?" asked the first boy "Tommy," replied the second "My Daddy's an accountant What does your Daddy for a living?" asked Billy Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy "No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy Email Mixup A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@world.net Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up going to JeanJohn@world.net, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!" A trick The phone rings at CIA headquarters "Hello?" "Hello, is this CIA?" "Yes What you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Johnathan Smith as an enemy of the State He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood." "This will be noted." Next day, the CIA goons come over to Johnathan's house They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Johnathan Smith and leave The phone rings at Johnathan's house "Hello, Yankel! Did the CIA come?" "Yes." "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yes, they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call I need my vegetable patch plowed." A Love Story At a cocktail party, the hostess overheard the conversation of a handsome gentleman and his friend "Oh, I really love her I adore her," said the handsome gentleman "I would love her too, if she were mine." agreed his friend "I love the way she walks, and the way she moves, and her eyes are a beautiful brown color." "You're very lucky," said his friend "And you know what I like the best?" asked the gentleman "I love the way she kisses my ear." "Sir," the hostess said, "I couldn't help listening to your lovely words In this day of divorce, I respect a man who loves his wife so much!" "My wife?!" said the gentleman, very surprised "I was talking about my champion racehorse! A deaf man Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet I just sit around and listen to the conversations I've changed my will three times!" ... when the conjurer asked for help, he came forward quickly and was invited on the stage When he got there, the conjurer said: "Look at this boy! He has never seen me before, have you, my boy?"... very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives "For a male brain, $500,000 For a female brain, $200,000." Some of the younger... pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him Don''t burden him with chores, as this