the father's book being a good dad in the 21st century

The Fat her’ s Book Being a Good Dad in the 21st Century David Cohen JOHN WILEY & SONS, LTD Chichester · New York · Weinheim · Brisbane · Singapore · Toronto The Father ’s Book Because your family matters Family matters is a brand new series from Wiley highlighting topics that are important to the everyday lives of family members Each book tackles a common problem or difficult situation, such as teenage troubles, new babies or problems in relationships, and provides easily understood advice from authoritative professionals The Family Matters series is designed to provide expert advice to ordinary people struggling with everyday problems and bridges the gap between the professional and client Each book also offers invaluable help to practitioners as extensions to the advice they can give in sessions, and helps trainees to understand the issues clients face Titles in the series: Paula Nicolson Postnatal Depression: Facing the Paradox of Loss, Happiness and Motherhood John Coleman Sex and Your Teenager: A Parent’s Guide David Cohen The Father’s B ook: B eing a Good Dad in the 21st Century Living Happily Ever After: Putting Reality into Your Romance Bob O’Connor The Fat her’ s Book Being a Good Dad in the 21st Century David Cohen JOHN WILEY & SONS, LTD Chichester · New York · Weinheim · Brisbane · Singapore · Toronto Copyright # 2001 b y J oh n W iley & S on s L t d , Baffins Lane, Chichester, West Sussex PO19 1U D , England N ational 01243 779777 I n t er n at ion al (‡ 44) 1243 779777 e-mail (for orders and customer service enquiries): cs-books@wiley.co.uk Visit our Home Page on http://www.wiley.co.uk or http://www.wiley.com All Rights Reserved N o part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning or otherwise, except under the terms of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 or under the terms of a licence issued by the Copyright L icensing Agency L td, 90 Tottenham Court Road, London W1P 0L P, U K , without the permission in writing of the Publisher David Cohen has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, to be identified as the author of this work Other Wiley Editorial Offices John Wiley & Sons, I nc., 605 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10158-0012, U SA WI L EY-VCH G mbH , Pappelallee 3, D -69469 Weinheim, Germany John Wiley & Sons Australia, L td, 33 Park Road, Milton, Queensland 4064, Australia John Wiley & Sons (Asia) Pte L td, Clementi Loop # 02-01, Jin Xing Distripark, Singapore 129809 John Wiley & Sons (Canada) L td, 22 Worcester Road, Rexdale, Ontario M9W 1L 1, Canada Brit ish Library Cat aloguin g in Publicat ion Dat a A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library I SBN 0-470-84133-8 Project management by Originator, Gt Yarmouth, Norfolk (typeset in 11.5/13 I mprint) Printed and bound in Great Britain by Biddles Ltd, Guildford and King’s Lynn This book is printed on acid-free paper responsibly manufactured from sustainable forestry, in which at least two trees are planted for each one used for paper production Cont ents About the author Acknowledgements Introduc tion Never too young to leave home What psychology teaches us about fathering Good enough fathering Quiz Answers to quiz A history of fathers Woody Allen versus history Sacrificing the son Honour thy father but don’t expect too much from the old man The involved father Fathers know best the behaviourist father The useless-at-parties syndrome xi xiii 11 12 24 29 30 31 35 36 38 40 vi Contents Cross-cultural Five-star fathers The natural father Savvy kids Domestic violence and involvement 41 42 44 46 47 I’m going to be a dad The ignorant father The government helps ‘Your’re pregnant? – how I feel’ You never wanted my child The process of pregnancy Sex The run-up to the birth Human bonding Some surprising abilities of the newborn baby Imitating others it starts very young Try this during your baby’s first 24 hours The safety of the newborn Share the care I’d murder for a good night’s sleep The bureaucracy of birth Pictures are for ever 51 53 54 55 56 58 59 59 62 64 66 68 69 69 71 72 72 The growth of the mind The first two stages of development according to Piaget The sensorimotor stage – roughly from birth to years of age Meaning to things The truth about objects Does memory start in the womb? Priming the primacy – not the same thing 75 77 78 79 81 82 84 Contents Childhood amnesia Learning to speak I really don’t want to seem a fool The mysteries of mirrors The personality of small children Key factors in exuberance versus withdrawal What’s normal? Good enough fathering A good enough walk in the park The egocentric child in the preoperational period – 2–7 roughly Ten little buttons Your child’s I Q – does it matter? Read, read, read Silly photographs – an important bonding tool My daughter is a princess, my son is a genius Pretending, playing and lyin g The birth of a pretender Dad as a playmaster Lying, pretending and false beliefs My child is a real person – what I now? I wish, I want, I like, I think False beliefs If your child doesn’t play – the mystery and misery of autism Getting away with laughter Personality Sex roles How children don’t lie brilliantly A psychologist teaches his daughter how to lie Have fun with your kids vii 85 86 89 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 100 101 102 103 105 106 108 109 111 113 114 117 118 119 120 122 123 The wish for the replica 269 trous warping of the child' s boy nature for the boy is nearly always sacrificed to the grand piano And the father who wants his son to follow in his footsteps has not disappeared Sir Richard Branson announced his 15- year - old son was sh owin g sign s of b ein g in t er est ed in the fam ily business The founder of easyJet, when he r ecen t ly accep t ed an awar d as En t r ep r en eu r of t h e Year , t h an ked h is fat h er b ecau se h e h ad given h im love, support, everything a son could expect – plus around £ 30 m illio n t o st ar t an air lin e I use the word replica because I am a fan of the novelist Susan Howatch In her novels about the Church of E n glan d in t h e 20t h cen t u r y, H owat ch oft en d escr ib es p sych olo gically fr agile m en wh ose fat h er s wan t ed t o tu r n th em in to r ep licas T h e h er o of Glamorous Powers is Jonathan Darrow who we first m eet as the abbot of an elit ist ab b ey D ar r ow’s fat h er was a sch oolm ast er an d wan t ed h is son t o follow h im in t o t h at p r ofession Darrow resisted for years though, in the end, he does t u r n ou t t o b e a gift ed t each er h im self Lat er J on at h an h as ch ild r en h im self, b efor e b ecom in g a monk, wan t s his son t o b e like h im ; J on at h an h at es t h e fact t h at t h e boy has no psychic gifts, no spiritual leanings Martin turns out to be a famous actor, gay and a drunk Darrow is only content when his second son turns out also to have p sych ic gift s an d is, in som e sen se, a r ep lica of h is old m an I exp er ien ced t h ese p r essu r es m yself My fat h er was deeply disappointed when I did not becom e a lawyer like h im I t d id n ’t occu r t o him or m y m ot h er t h at aft er leavin g m e, I wou ld r esist t h eir wish es I left sch ool at 16 t o becom e an actor But m y father was suppor tive and sm ar t For mon t h s, h e cam e d own t o M in eh ead in t h e West C ou n t r y n ear ly ever y week t o see m e p lay in seaside rep I was the police sergeant in Getaway with 270 The dependency paradox M urder, a ver y d aft wh od u n it , t h e 10- year - old wisecr ackin g N ew Yor k kid in Critic' s Choice an d a village id iot in an u n sp eakab le p lay ab ou t sh eep st ealin g in Wales My father sudden ly becam e ver y sen sit ive wh en I was in r ep I n m y less ch ar it ab le m ood s, I t h in k it was d u e t o his guilt about having left m e, but he had been going to the t h eat r e all h is ad u lt life H e saw t h at I wou ld n ever b e a fir st - r at e act or I su sp ect m y village id iot , p olice ser gean t and 10-year-old were rather sim ilar But m y father also sen sed t h at if h e let m e b e, I h ad a b et t er ch an ce of b ein g r ealist ic I ’d accep t I ’d n ever b e a secon d Lau r en ce Olivier If m y fat h er h ad n ot b een wise, I su sp ect I wou ld h ave st r u ggled on for year s t r yin g t o b e an act or If on ly t o p r ove m y fat h er wr on g As it was, aft er year s of failin g au d it ion s an d t h e occasion al cr u m m y p ar t , I gave u p act in g My fat h er cou ld n ’t t ain h is joy I wen t t o O xfor d Oft en ou r r elat ion sh ip was m ar r ed – h e an d m y mother had a bitter divorce – but I always loved and r esp ect ed him for h is good sen se ab ou t givin g u p t r yin g to make me some kind of replica of him In t h e en d , I b ecam e a p sych olo gist , wr it er an d d ir ect or an d , ir on ically, I n ever act ed again t ill last year wh en m y son insisted on casting m e in his first film T hen, I was b ack p layin g a p olicem an again , as I h ad wh en I fir st set foot on stage I was, of course, flattered I t is all too human to want your children to be like you, all too human and all too stupid When I outlined what this book would be about, I did not expect it to be so personal I have found writing about t h e fat h er –ch ild r elat ion sh ip m ad e m e t h in k, an d m ad e m e rem em ber, much about m y father, m y mother and about my children Maybe it was naive of m e to think it wouldn’t Being a father is not a subject one can be simply objective about, though I thin k I have covered all the relevant research currently available I hope The wish for the replica 271 readers will have found the text amusing, moving and helpful I not claim to have been a good father I have tried to be a good enough father But I have certainly learned that the hopes, fears, joys, irritations, angers, moments of love, love given, love got, that happen between a father and his children are the very stuff of life I thank my children for that G et fathering! 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Josep h , R M an d Tager F lu sb er g, H (1999) ‘P r esch ool ch ild r en ’s understanding of desire and the constraints of intentional action’, Brit J Development Psychology , 17, 221–243 Har vey, A (1980) ‘Th e p ar en t In fan t r elat ion sh ip ’, J Roy S oc M edicine, 73, 339–352 Hep p er , P (1991) ‘Fet al lear n in g’, Irish J Psychology , 12, 95–107 Her b er t , M (1986) Living with T eenagers , Blackwell Hill, M (1986) S haring Childcare in Early Parenthood, Rou t led ge Hin e, T (1999) T he Rise and Fall of the A merican T eenager , Avon Howat ch , S (1990) Glamorous Powers , Har p er C ollin s Hu d son , L (1966) Contrary Imaginations , Penguin Hu gh es, M (1975) ‘E gocen t r ism in you n g ch ild r en ’, unpublished P hD dissertation, Edinburgh University Hu m p h r ies, S an d Gordon , P (1990) A M an' s W orld, BBC Books Kah n , H an d C oop er , C (1993) S tress in the Dealing Room, R outledge Kail, R an d S alt h ou se, T (1994) ‘P r ocessin g sp eed as a m en t al cap acit y’, A cta Psychologica, 199–225 Kavan au gh , R D an d Har r is, P L (1999) ‘P r et en se an d cou n t er factual thoughts in young children’, in L Balter (ed.) Child Psychology , P sych ology P r ess Kilp at r ick, R an d Tr ew, K (1985) ‘Life st yles an d p sych ological well being am ong unem ployed m en in Northern Ireland’, J Occupational Psychology , 58, 207–216 Kim D ae J u n g (1996) Prison W ritings , Un iver sit y of C alifor n ia Pr ess Klin e, P (1972) Fact and Fantasy in Freudian T heory , Methuen K n ijn , T an d Mu ld er , A C (1987) Unravelling Fatherhood, Foris P ublishers K oh lb er g, L (1984) T he Psychology of M oral Development, Harper an d R ow Lain g, R D (1967) K nots, Penguin 276 References Lessin g, E , Z agor in , S W an d Nelson , D D (1970) ‘W I S C su b t est an d I Q cor r elat es of fat h er ab sen ce’, J Genetic Psychology , 67, 181–195 Lewis, C (1986) T he Role of Fathers in the Human Family , Open Un iver sit y P r ess Lewis, C (2001) W hat Good A re Dads?, R owntree Trust Lu m m is, T (1982) ‘Th e h ist or ical d im en sion of fat h er h ood ’, in L M cK ee an d M O ’Br ien (ed s) Tavist ock L yn n , R (1997) ‘Geogr ap h ical var iat ion in in t elligen ce’, in H Nyb or g (ed ) T he S cientific S tudy of Human Nature, E rlbaum M cG ar r igle, J an d Don ald son , M (1975) ‘Con ser vat ion accid en t s’, Cognition, 341–350 M ackin t osh , N J (1999) IQ and Human Intelligence, O xfor d Un iver sit y P r ess McGr aw, M (1945) T he Neuromuscular M aturation of the Human Infant, L ip p in cot t , r eissu ed 1988 Masson , J (1999) T he Emperor' s Embrace, Vintage M elt zoff, A N an d Moor e, M K (1983) ‘Newb or n in fan t s imit at e adult facial gest u r es’, Child Development, 54(3), 702–709 Merrill, E (1930) Common S ense and T he Child, wit h a p r eface b y A S N eill, J ar r old s Mikes, G (1946) How to Be an A lien, Deu t sch Miles, R (1994) T he Children W e Deserve, Har p er Collin s Mon t aign e, M (ca 1580) Essays (n ow availab le in P en gu in Classics) M oor e, A (cit ed in P ollock, 1984) Mor t im or e, J (1970) A V oyage Round M y Father , Penguin Nelson , K (1989) Narratives from the Crib, Har var d Un iver sit y Pr ess O ’Br ien , S (1986) T he Negative S cream, Rou t led ge Or n st ein , R (1998) M ultimind, Methuen Or b ach , S (1998) Fat is a Feminist Issue, Arrow Or well, G (1938) Coming Up for A ir, Gollan cz (n ow availab le in P enguin C lassics) P aler m o, G an d R oss, L G (1999) ‘Mass m u r d er , su icid e an d m or al developm ent’, International Journal of Offender T herapy and Comparative Criminology , 43, 8–20 P allad in o, G (1994) Teenagers – an American History , Har p er C ollin s P iaget , J (1950) T he Psychology of Intelligence, R ou t led ge an d Kegan Paul Piaget , J (1952) Play Dreams and Imitation in Childhood, R ou t led ge an d Kegan P au l 277 P lat h , S (1985) Collected Poems , Har p er Collin s Pollock, L (1984) Forgotten Children, C am b r id ge Un iver sit y Pr ess R ad in , N an d Wills, E (1999) ‘Th e effect of fat h er p ar t icip at ion in ch ild r ear in g: 20 year follow u p ’, A m J Orthopsychiatry , 69, 328–336 Reisslan d , N (1988) Neon at al im it at ion in t h e h ou r s of life; ob ser vations from rural Nepal’, Developmental Psychology , 24, 464–46 R oger s, C (1939) T he Clinical T reatment of the Problem Child, Houghton Mifflin Rovee Collier , C (1996) ‘Measu r in g in fan t m em or y: A cr it ical com mentary’, Developmental Review, 16, 301–310 Rovee C ollier , C (1997) ‘Disassociat ion s in in fan t memor y’, Psychological Review, 104, 467–498 Salin ger , J D (1951) T he Catcher in the Rye (n ow availab le in Pen gu in C lassics) Salt h ou se, T (1998) ‘P r essin g issu es in cogn it ive agein g’, in N S ch war z (ed ) Cognition, A geing and S elf , E rlbaum Sch m id t , L an d Fox, N (1998) ‘Fear p ot en t iat ed st ar t le r esp on se in t em p er am en t ally d iffer en t in fan t s’, Developmental Psychobiology , 32, 113–121 Sh elley, D an d C oh en , D (1986) T esting Psychological T ests , C r oom Helm Skin n er , B (1948) W alden T wo, Macmillan Skin n er , B (1952) Human Behaviour, M acmillan Sin gh , D an d Newb u r n , M (2000) Becoming a Father, N ational Childbirth Trust S u lly, J (1912) S tudies of Childhood, Lon gm an s Th om as, D (1990) Collected Poems , Penguin Tin b er gen , E A an d Tin b er gen , N (1972) Early Childhood A utism, Verlag Paul Parley Valentine, E W (1942) T he Normal Child, Penguin Watson, J B (1914) Psychology from the S tandpoint of the Behaviorist, Lippincott Wat son , J B an d R ayn er , R (1929) T he Psychological Care of the Infant and Child, Lippincott Wells, G (1981) Learning through Interaction, C am b r id ge Un iver sit y Press Wilson , M an d Daly, M (2001) ‘Th e evolu t ion of cou p le flict ’, in A Boot h an d C Croucher (ed s), E r lb au m 278 References Win n icot t , D W (1971) T he Child, the Family and the Outside W orld , Penguin Zahn Wexler, C., Radke Yarrow, M and K ing, R A (1979) ‘Child rearing and children’s prosocial intention towards victims of distress’, Child Development, 50, 319–330 Useful addr esses Some U K or gan isat ion s h ave d ir ect h elp lin es Aspe rge rs , Asp en P O Box 351268, J acksonville, F L 32235, p h on e 1- 866- 4- AS P R G R Also, in t h e U K , Nat ion al Au t ist ic S ociet y, see b elow Barnardos , Tanners Lan e, Barkingside, London I G 1Q G , p h on e 0208 550 8822 Childre n’s Soc ie ty , Mar ger y S t r eet , L on d on W C 1X 0JL , phone 0207 841 4436 Childline , helpline 0800 1111 Families Need Fathers, 134 Curtain Road , London EC2A, phone 0207 613 5060 Ginge rbre ad, Sovereign Close, Sovereign Court, London E1W 3H W, helpline 0800 018 4318 280 Useful addresses MIN D, Gr ant a H ou se 15–19 t h e Br oad way, S t r at for d , London E 15 4BQ , p h on e 0208 519 2122 National Autistic Soc iety, 393 City Road, London EC1, phone 0207 903 3563 National Soc ie ty for De af Childre n, 15 Dufferin Street, London EC1 8U R, phone 0207 250 0123 National Soc ie ty for the Pre ve ntion of Crue lty to Childre n (N SPCC), 42 Curtain Road, London EC2 A3N , helpline 0808 800 5000, parentline 0800 800 2222 N ational Soc ie ty for the Prote c tion of the Child, helpline 0808 800 5000 for child protection Royal N ational Institution for the Blind, G reat Portland Street, London W1, helpline 0845 788 9999 Young Minds (excellent mental health resource), 102– 108 Clerkenwell Road, L ondon EC1M 5SA, phone 0207 336 8445 Index Attachment theory 62–64 Autism 114–117 Child development 75–76 a child’s needs 93 amnesia 85–86 first smile 80 learning to speak 86–89 memory 82 Rovee Collier, Caroline 82–84 personality 90–91 Piaget 77 conservation task 97 peak perspective 96 sensorimotor stage 78–79 truth about objects 81–82 ‘ten little buttons’ 96 priming 84–85 reading 100 what is normal? 92 your child’s I Q 97–100 Desires 111–113 Discipline 125–132 Anger management 155–158 bad from birth 132–134 being authoritative 147–149 cane or carrot approach 142–145 dealing with bullying 150–151 European Court of H uman Rights 145 family do’s and don’ts 136 how to question children 151–153 picking up clues 154 signs of sexuality 135–136 society’s expectation 137–139 Styles of 146–147 the slipper and cane 141–142 toilet training 134–135 Going to be a dad 51 a good night’s sleep 71–72 anxieties 56 bureaucracy of birth 72 government assistance 54–55 282 Going to be a dad (cont ) human bonding 62–64 imitation 66–67 newborn safety 69 pregnancy 58–59 r u n - u p to th e b ir th 59–62 sex 59 sh ar in g car e r esp on sib ilit y 69–71 t h e ign or an t fat h er 53–54 you r feelin gs 55–56 you r n ewb or n b ab y’s ab ilit ies 64–66 Gover n m en t assist an ce 52, see also G oing to be a dad paternity leave 52 History of fathers 29 Ab r ah am 31–32 cross-cultural 41–42 domestic violence 47–49 five-star fathers 42–44 Fr eu d 29–30 Gr eek m yt h s 32 Mon t aign e, Mich el d e 35–36 savvy ch ild r en 46–47 t h e b eh aviou r ist fat h er 38–40 t h e in volved fat h er 36–37 t h e p sych ologist s ap p r oach (Blen d is 1988) ab sen t fat h er 44 five- st ar fat h er 46 modern father 45 t r ad it ion al fat h er 45 Wood y Allen 30–31 Leaving home 263–268 to follow in your footsteps 268– 271 Marketing aimed at children 235 advertising 236, 238–241 Index brand names 234–235 pester power 236–238 using children’s creativity 241–242 National Childbirth T rust 54, 58 birth plan 59–60 Nat ion al In st it u t e of P ar en t in g 54 Par en t al h ear t ach e 203–205 anger 212–213 children’s depression 206–207 children’s medication 218 children’s mental health 205–206 children’s physical problems 220 children’s stress 214–215 drink and drugs 215–217 eating disorders 217 suicide and attempted suicide 207–210 voices 210–212 Piaget, see Child development Play having fun 123 personality at 118–119 sex roles 119–120 Playing 103–104 dad as a playmaster 106–108 laughter 117–118 lying and false beliefs 108–109 pretend 105–106 Price of fatherhood 233–235 monetary cost 233 Relationships 221–223 father and son 224–225 marital 223–224 parents and paranoia 225–226 sexual starvation 228 Index sharing the burdens 226–227 some typical arguments 229 Rivalry 29–30 School and education 161–166 absent father syndrome 166–168 attention-deficit disorder 175–176 finding time to get involved 179–181 intelligence and nutrition 174 intelligences 171 nu m er ical 171 practical 172–173 social 173 verbal 171 visuospatial 172 your child’s mind 169–171 283 your child’s school work 174–175 Stepfathers 183–184 and violence 199–200 associated stress 186–188 co-parenting problems 195 setting house rules 190–194 stepfamilies 184–186 survival techniques 195–197 the part-time dad 198–199 trust and mistrust 189–190 typical flashpoints 191–192 Teen age t r au m as 245–246 lon elin ess 257–261 puberty 246–248 t ab oo t op ix 255–257 Tim e (fin d in g it ) 179–181 ... with the Biblical story of Abraham and I saac, a tale many psychoanalysts think is powerful as it expresses the ambivalence in the father–son relationship Today, when there are so many concerns about... Fathers Direct and D I Y Dads teach, train and argue passionately that ‘fathers are important to their children and children important to their fathers I nvolved fathers result in happier families.’... a chapter titled ‘Father is a money bag’ (I know the feeling – an emptied out money bag) The Dutch authors stress many fathers admit they have ‘negative qualities as a father’ because they have