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1 2 WHY MEN DON'T LISTEN & WOMEN CAN'T READ MAPS Barbara & Allan Pease 3 Copyright © Allan Pease 2001 All rights reserved The right of Allan Pease to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. This edition published in 2001 by Pease International Pty Ltd Phone: 61-7-5444 7000 Fax: 61-7-5444 7550 Email: info@peaseinternational Web: www. peaseinternational. com Published in Great Britain by Orion Publishing Group Distributed in Australia and New Zealand by HarperCollins Ltd Imported to Great Britain by Pease Training International Ltd. Tel: 01564 741 888 Fax: 01564 741 800 Email: peaseuk@compuserve. com A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library Designed by Karen Stirling Printed by Griffin Press, Netley ISBN 0 957 81081 4 Sc/PR JaBay 4 CONTENTS Acknowledgments Introduction 14 A Sunday Drive Why Writing This book Was So Tough 1. Same Species, Different Worlds I9 Some Things Are Obvious Different Job Specs The 'Stereotype' Argument Is it All a Male Conspiracy? Where We (the Authors) Stand The Nature Versus Nurture Argument Your Human Guidebook How We Got This Way We Didn't Expect it to Be Like This Why Mum and Dad Can't Help We're Still Just Another Animal 2. Making Perfect Sense 34 Women as Radar Detectors The Eyes Have It Eyes in the Back of her Head? Why Womens' Eyes See So Much The Slippery Case of the Missing Butter Men and Ogling Seeing is Believing Why Men Should Drive at Night 5 Why Women Have a 'Sixth Sense' Why Men Can't Lie to Women She Hears Better Too Women Read Between the Lines Men Can 'Hear' Direction Why Boys Don't Listen Men Miss the Details The Magic of Touch Women Are Touchy-Feely Why Men Are So Thick-Skinned A Taste for Life Something in the Air The X-Philes Why Men Are Called 'Insensitive' 3. It's All In The Mind 57 Why We're Smarter than the Rest How Our Brains Defend Territory The Brains Behind Success What's Where in the Brain Where Brain Research Began How the Brain is Analysed Why Women Are Better Connected Why Men Can Only Do One Thing at a Time! Try the Toothbrush Test Why We Are Who We Are Programming the Foetus The Brain-Wiring Test How to Score the Test Analysing the Result A Final Word 6 4. Talking And Listening 85 The 'Blue or Gold Shoes' Strategy Why Males Can't Talk Proper Boys and Their Schooling Why Women Are Great Talkers Why Women Need to Talk The Hormonal Connection Women Love to Talk Men Talk Silently to Themselves The Downside of Silent Talk Women Think Aloud The Downside of Thinking Aloud Women Talk, Men Feel Nagged Why Couples Fail How Men Talk Women Multi-Track What Brain Scans Show Strategies for Talking with Men Why Men Love Big Words Women Use Words for Reward Women Are Indirect Men Are Direct What to Do About It How to Motivate a Man to Action Women Talk Emotively, Men Are Literal How Women Listen Men Listen Like Statues How to Use the Grunt How to Get a Man to Listen The Schoolgirl Voice 7 5. Spatial Ability: Maps, Targets And Parallel Parking 118 How a Map Almost Led to Divorce Sexist Thinking The Lunch-Chaser in Action Why Men Know Where to Go Why Boys Hang Out in Video Arcades Boys' Brains Develop Differently Diana and her Furniture Testing Spatial Ability How Women Can Navigate What if You Can't Find North? The Flying Map The Upside-Down Map A Final Test How to Avoid an Argument How to Argue While Driving How to Sell to a Woman The Pain of Reverse Parallel Parking Women Are Safer Drivers How Women Were Misled Spatial Ability in Education Spatial Skill Occupations Billiards and Nuclear Science The Computer Industry Maths and Accounting All Things Being Equal Boys and their Toys How Women Feel Can You Improve Your Spatial Skill? Some Useful Strategies In Summary 8 6. Thoughts, Attitudes, Emotions And Other Disaster Areas 149 Our Different Perceptions Boys Like Things, Girls Like People Boys Compete, Girls Co-operate What We Talk About Talking Dirty What Modern Men and Women Want Emotion in the Brain Women Value Relationships, Men Value Work Why Men 'Do Things' Why Men and Women Leave Each Other Why Men Hate to Be Wrong Why Men Hide Their Emotions Why Men Hang Out with the Boys Why Men Hate Advice Why Men Offer Solutions Why Stressed Women Talk Why Stressed Men Won't Talk Using Spatials to Solve Problems Why Men Flick the TV Channels How to Get Boys to Talk When They're Both Stressed The Complete Shut-Out How Men Alienate Women Why Men Can't Handle Women Being Emotional The Crying Game Eating Out Shopping: Her Joy, His Terror How to Give a Woman a Sincere Compliment 9 7. Our Chemical Cocktail 176 How Hormones Control Us The Chemicals of 'Falling in Love' Hormonal Chemistry Why Blondes Have High Fertility PMT and Sex Drive Woman's Chemical Gloom Testosterone: Bonus or Curse? The Case of the Flying Crockery Why Men Are Aggressive Why Men Work So Hard Testosterone and Spatial Ability Why Women Hate Reverse Parking Mathematics and Hormones Modern Man's Hunting Why Men Have Pot Bellies and Women Have Large Rears 8. Boys Will Be Boys, But Not Always 197 Gays, Lesbians and Transsexuals Homosexuality is Part of History Is it Genetic or a Choice? Why People Look to the Father Can the 'Choice' Be Changed? The Case of Identical Gay Twins It's in their Genes The 'Gay Gene' Gay Fingerprints and Family Studies Experimental Changes It's What Happens in the Womb The Transsexual Brain Are We Slaves to Our Biology? Why Gay Men Aren't All Alike Lesbian Differences 10 9. Men, Women and Sex 216 How Sex Began Where is Sex in the Brain? Why Men Can't Help Themselves Why Women Are Faithful Men Are Microwaves, Women Are Electric Ovens Why We Argue About Sex Sex Drive and Stress How Much Sex Are We Having? Sex on the Brain How Sex Improves Your Health Monogamy and Polygamy Why Men Are Promiscuous The Rooster Effect Why Men Want Women to Dress Like Tarts (But Never in Public) Why Men Are Three-Minute Wonders The Ball Game Balls Have Brains Too Men and Ogling What Men Need to Do What We Really Want, Long-Term Why Men Want 'Just One Thing' Why Sex Suddenly Stops What Men Want From Sex What Women Want From Sex Why Men Don't Talk During Sex The Orgasm Objective What Turns Us On? How Men Get a Raw Deal The Aphrodisiac Myth Men and their Pornography Are There Female Sex Maniacs? Lights Off or On? [...]...10 Marriage, Love And Romance 255 Why Women Need Monogamy Why Men Avoid Commitment Where is Love in the Brain? Love: Why Men Fall In and Women Fall Out Why Men Can't Say 'I Love You' How Men Can Separate Love from Sex When Women Make Love, Men Have Sex Why Great Partners Look Attractive Do Opposites Attract? Physical Opposites Attract The Hips-to-Waist Ratio is the Key Men and Romance Some Surefire... Indonesia, and with some Aboriginal Australians, New Zealand Maoris, and the Inuit of Canada and Greenland In these cultures each person knows and understands his or her role Men appreciate women and women appreciate men Each sees the other as uniquely contributing to the family's survival and well-being But for men and women who live in modern civilised countries, these old rules have 31 been thrown out - and. .. people may say, 'No, that's not like me, I don't do that!' Well, maybe they don't But we are dealing here with average men and women, that is, how most men and women behave most of the time, in most situations and for most of the past 'Average' means that if you are in a room full of people you'll notice that men are bigger and taller than women, in fact 7% taller and an average 8% bigger The tallest or... area' and 'Hey, I recognise that petrol station!' 21 Different Job Specs Men and women have evolved differently because they had to Men hunted, women gathered Men protected, women nurtured As a result, their bodies and brains evolved in completely different ways As their bodies physically changed to adapt to their specific functions, so did their minds Men grew taller and stronger than most women, while... Attract The Hips-to-Waist Ratio is the Key Men and Romance Some Surefire Romance Tips for Men Why Men Stop Touching and Talking Why Men Grope and Women Don't Is There Love in Springtime? How to Think Sexy Recreating Infatuation How to Find the Right Partner 11 Towards A Different Future 279 What Do Men and Women Really Want? Occupational Choices The Feminising of Business What To Do About Boys No Role... because men still don't understand why a woman can't be more like a man, and women expect their men to behave just like they do Not only will this book help you come to grips with the opposite sex, it'll help you understand yourself And how you can both lead happier, healthier and more harmonious lives as a result Barbara and Allan Pease 18 CHAPTER 1 SAME SPECIES, DIFFERENT WORLDS 19 en and women are different... going to the toilet You wanna come with me?' Men dominate TV remote controls and flick through the channels; women don't mind watching the commercials Under pressure, men drink alcohol and invade other countries; women eat chocolate and go shopping Women criticise men for being insensitive, uncaring, not listening, not being warm and compassionate, not 20 talking, not giving enough love, not being committed... efforts and were recuperating to begin the hunt again the next day The women would continue to tend the children and make sure the men were sufficiently fed and rested Each appreciated the other's efforts Men were not considered lazy and women were not seen as their oppressed handmaidens These simple rituals and behaviours still exist amongst ancient civilisations in places like Borneo, parts of Africa and. .. to keep good women down Keeping women pregnant was a way of controlling them even more Certainly, historically, that's how it appears But the question needs to be asked: If women and men are identical, as these groups claim, how could men ever have achieved such total dominance over the world? The study of how the brain works now gives us many answers We are not identical Men and women should be equal... order Women can always find the missing set of car keys, but rarely the most direct route to their destination Men think they're the most sensible sex Women know they are How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? It's unknown It's never happened Men marvel at the way a woman can walk into a room full of people and give an instant commentary on everyone; women can't believe men are