As with virtually any worthwhile change in your life, choosing to self disclose involves risks. Once you conclude that self-disclosure is productive behav- ior, you may run into another barrier: fear. Perhaps your fears include the following: 19
• Losing control of a conversation or relationship.
• Becoming trapped or controlled by someone else.
• Facing something unpleasant within yourself.
When Adina went to her first job interview after gradua- tion, she felt extremely nervous and was unable to relax.
She attempted to make small talk as the interview began, but this backfired as she began blurting out inappropriate personal facts about her family, husband, and fears about not getting the job. She realized that she was embarrassing
herself and tried to make a joke out of it by saying, “Well, this is my first interview,” but then felt worse for admitting how inexperienced she was. She did not get the job, nor was she confident enough to go on another interview for almost a month. Adina found herself overdisclosing without having tried to do so.
• Losing self-respect.
• Appearing to be a loser to others.
• Being rejected or being belittled.
The first step in dealing with fear is to look at exactly what you are afraid of.
If your fear is not on this list, you need to identify it and then decide how to respond to it.
In her book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, Dr. Susan Jeffers shows that elim- inating your fears is not necessary for you to change your life. In a way, the title of her book says it all: everybody feels fear, although most fears are unfounded.
You do not need to wait until your fears are gone to begin to improve yourself.
S T R A T E G Y F O R S U C C E S S Strategy 3.1 Know When to Stop
1. Understand that self-disclosure can be difficult and awkward at first.
2. Be aware that you can overdisclose unintentionally.
3. Learn how to avoid overdisclosure, especially with strangers or in the workplace.
4. Learn how to self-disclose comfortably and appropriately.
Knowing the limits of your own self-disclosure is an important dimension of interpersonal experience. Use these four tips to help evaluate your own attempt at achieving appropriate and balanced self-disclosure.
1. Understand that self-disclosure can be difficult and awkward at first. Self- disclosure can be difficult and even uncomfortable, especially if you are not used to it.
Prepare yourself and don’t beat yourself up for feeling awkward.
2. Be aware that you can overdisclose unintentionally. Overdisclosing often happens when a person feels socially awkward and is trying to make conversation. Problems occur when someone goes too far in self disclosing. A person who overdiscloses may be seen as insecure, and may be judged as acting inappropriately. Being aware of overdis- closure will help you avoid falling into this situation.
3. Learn how to avoid overdisclosure, especially with strangers or in the workplace.
Overdisclosing personal information can make others around you feel uncomfortable.
Avoid overdisclosing by watching for nonverbal signs of withdrawal, discomfort, nega- tivity, or even rejection by those to whom you are disclosing.
Strategy 3.2 Pay Attention to Differences 1. Know how much to disclose and how soon.
2. Remember: Different cultures, different disclosure.
3. Allow for the other person to take the lead.
4. Factor in gender, race, and social position.
5. Pay attention to the other person’s level of openness.
The information on self-disclosure in this chapter will be helpful only if it can be applied wisely in different situations and in interaction with different types of people.
These five tips will help you in dealing with the often complex differences that self- disclosure can present.
1. Know how much to disclose and how soon. This often depends on many factors, including the specific circumstances and situation. People need to consider the other person’s cultural, ethnic, religious, and even geographic background.
2. Remember: Different cultures, different disclosure. Always remember that people from different regions and countries respond differently because they approach self- disclosure with widely divergent expectations.
3. Allow for the other person to take the lead. Nevertheless, under all circumstances, you can minimize your uncertainty by allowing the other person to take the lead. By staying within the self-disclosure limits exhibited by the other person, you will be less likely to over- or underdisclose, especially when meeting someone for the first time.
4. Factor in gender, race, and social position. Other points that should be factored in include gender, race, and social position. Generally, people tend to disclose things to members of their own sex that they may withhold from the opposite sex. Also, differ- ent ethnic groups may hold varying attitudes toward self-disclosure, as do people from different regions of this country. Finally, socioeconomic position often influences how much disclosure is considered appropriate.
5. Pay attention to the other person’s level of openness. Remain focused and inter- ested in the other person with whom you are speaking. When you receive messages warning you that any self-disclosure would be unwelcome, you may want to avoid self- disclosure altogether, or you might try to ask nonthreatening questions. Be responsive and, above all, patient.
Strategy 3.3 Facing Fear of Self-Disclosure 1. Start with the worst possible scenario.
2. Prepare yourself to accept the worst possible outcome.
3. Proceed with a plan.
Business success expert Dale Carnegie offers three suggestions for moving ahead even when fear is present. These suggestions can be applied to fears in any area of your life, not just to self-disclosure. 20
1. Start with the worst possible scenario. This means imagining the very worst thing that could happen if you self-disclose. You’ll find that often the worst thing that could happen is something you can live with. Then remind yourself that it will not happen unless everything goes wrong, which is unlikely.
4. Learn how to self-disclose comfortably and appropriately. Take self-disclosure one step at a time, at whatever speed is most comfortable for you. Most people will appreciate your efforts and respond to them.