I DON’T CALL ANYONE BY THER FRST NAME
A VERY COLD WINTER
GIẢI QUYẾT VẤN NẠN GIAO THÔNG
Một nông dân sống trên một quốc lộ nông thôn yên tĩnh. Nhưng thời gian trôi qua và giao thông dần dần lên đến một mức độ báo động. Giao thông quá đông đúc và quá nhanh đến độ gà của ông bị cán ở mức độ ba đến sáu con mỗi ngày.Vì vậy một ngày kia ông gọi văn phòng cảnh sát trưởng và nói:”Ông phải làm cái gì đó về tất cả những người lái xe quá nhanh và giết tất cả gà của tôi.” “Ông muốn tôi làm gì?” cảnh sát trưởng hỏi.
“Tôi không biết, hãy làm gì đó về những người lái xe đó.”
Vì vậy, ngày hôm sau cảnh sát trưởng cho cho nhân viên hạt đi dựng lên một tấm biển đề: ĐI CHẬM LẠI: ĐIỂM BĂNG NGANG TRƯỜNG.
Ba ngày sau, bác nông dân gọi cảnh sát trưởng và nói:”Ông phải làm cái gì đó về những người lái xe đó.Tấm biển “điểm băng ngang trường” có vẻ làm họ đi nhanh hơn.” Vì thế, một lần nữa, cảnh sát trưởng cho nhân viên hạt đi và dựng một tấm biển mới:ĐI CHẬM LẠI: TRẺ EM ĐANG CHƠI ĐÙA. Và tấm biển đó thực sự làm người ta đi nhanh. Vì thế bác nông dân gọi và gọi và gọi mỗi ngày trong ba tuần. Cuối cùng bác hỏi cảnh sát trưởng:”Những tấm biển của ông không làm gì tốt cả. Tôi dựng lên tấm biển của tôi có được không?”
Cảnh sát trưởng nói với bác:”Việc đó được, hãy dựng lên tấm biển của riêng ông.” Cảnh sát trưởng dự định để bác nông dân làm bất cứ điều gì để làm cho bác ngưng gọi. À, viên cảnh sát trưởng không nhận điện từ bác nông dân nữa.
Ba tuần sau cú điện thoại cuối cùng của bác nông dân, cảnh sát trưởng quyết định gọi ông. “Vấn đề với những tài xế kia ra sao rồi? Ông có dựng lên tấm biển của ông không?”
“Ồ, tôi có dựng. Và không có con gà nào bị giết từ khi đó cả. Tôi phải đi. Tôi rất bận.” Và bác nông dân gác điện thoại. Viên cảnh sát trưởng tự nhủ:”Ta nên đi tới nhà ông nông dân nọ và nhìn tấm biển ... Có thể có cái gì đó ở đó mà chúng ta có thể dùng để làm những người lái xe đi chậm lại ...”
Vì vậy viên cảnh sát lái tới nhà bác nông dân, và ông ta thấy tấm biển. Nguyên một tấm gỗ dán. Và được viết chữ màu vàng cỡ lớn là những từ: ĐI CHẬM LẠI: KHU CỦA NHỮNG NGƯỜI KHỎA THÂN.
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Father: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice." Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter." Son : "Well, in that case... ok."
Next, Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter." Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case... ok."
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in- law."
President: "Ah, in that case... ok." This is how business is done!!!
There’s a Spanish guy, this Russian guy, and this Korean guy all working for the same construction company.
At the beginning of the day the boss comes out and says to the Spanish guy, “You’re in charge of the cement.”
And to the Russian guy: “You’re in charge of the dirt.”
And to the Korean guy: “You’re in charge of the supplies.”
Then he says, “I’ll be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good, or you’re
87 – clairsang@gmail.com fired.”
The end of the day comes and the boss returns to check on them. He looks at the big pile of cement and goes, “Good work,” to the Spanish guy.
Then he looks at the big pile of dirt and says, “Good work,” to the Russian guy.
He doesn’t see the Korean guy anywhere so he asks, “Where the heck is the Korean guy?”
All of a sudden the Korean guy jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt, waves his hands in the air, and yells: “SUPPLIES!!!” (he thought the boss said "surprised")
A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared; we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a
string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have
that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice.
"Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,
shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Lee Sum Wan : Hello can i speak to Annie Wan? Mr Saw Lee : Yes u could speak to me.
Lee Sum Wan: No, i want to speak to Annie Wan! Mr Saw Lee : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Lee Sum Wan : I am Sum Wan. And i need to talk to Annie Wan! Its urgent.
Mr Saw Lee : I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But whats this urgent matter about? Lee Sum Wan : Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.
Mr Saw Lee : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isnt an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but i dont have time for this!!!
Lee Sum Wan : You are rude. Who are you? Mr Saw Lee : Im Saw Lee.
88 – clairsang@gmail.com your name!
Mr Saw Lee : Im Saw Lee!!
Lee Sum Wan : I dont like your tone of voice Mr and i dont care, give me your name!
Mr Saw Lee : Look lady, I told you already Im Saw Lee! Im Saw Lee!! Im Saw Lee!!! You didnt even give me your name!
Lee Sum Wan : I told u before im Sum Wan! Sum Wan!!! You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the co. He is Noe Buddy.
Mr Saw Lee : Oh im so scared (sarcastically). Look i dont care about ur uncle he's a nobody. Everybody thinks his top dog and holding an important position in the company.
Lee Sum Wan : No Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesn't work there.
Mr Saw Lee : Like i said i dont care which one of ur aunt screws everybody and i also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!!
Lee Sum Wan : Wheech Wan is my sis!
Mr. Sori : I dont know which one is ur sis! Why in gods name u think I do!? Look i got work to do and if im feeling mischievious i'll broadcast it on the P.A system saying. "Attention, someone called and said that anyones brother just got involved in an accident. But not to worry no one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the hospital anyways. The father maybe a somebody but if u're their uncle, u're a nobody. "how bout that!? PEOPLE WONDER WHY THE CALL CENTRE GUYS ARE PAID SO MUCH...FOR JUST BEING ON THE PHONE. TAKE A LOOK: 1). Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
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2) Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
--- 3).Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done." Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk." Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?" Customer: "No..."
--- 4).Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$
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5).Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
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6) Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
--- 7). Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt." Customer:: "How do you spell that?"
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Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?" Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
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9). Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
--- 10). Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
--- 11).Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder." ---
89 – clairsang@gmail.com 12).Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
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13). Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print
document, but the computer won't boot properly." Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non- system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
--- 14). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24
hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
--- 15). Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?" --- 16). A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that his
computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and
it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is
frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is
an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let
me know how it goes. 10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using? User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with
NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the
file. Let me know how it goes. 1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion? User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he
started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't