Dr. Joe’s Freedom From Anger - By Joseph W. James, Ph.D.

Dr Joe’s Freedom From Anger By Joseph W James, Ph.D Dr Joe’s Freedom From Anger Table of Contents Lesson 1: What is Anger? p Lesson 2: What‘s Your Anger Personality? p 16 Lesson 3: This is Your Brain on Anger p 23 Lesson 4: Calming the Emotional Brain p 33 Lesson 5: Reprogramming the Emotional Brain p 48 Lesson 6: Understanding Your Triggers p 50 Lesson 7: Stinking Thinking p 56 Lesson 8: Secrets of Effective Communication p 74 Lesson 9: How to Criticize Others in an Effective Way p 88 Lesson 10: How to Respond Assertively to Criticism p 95 Lesson 11: How to Respond to Difficult People p 104 Lesson 12: To Forgive or To Not Forgive: That is The Question p 120 Lesson One Introduction: What is Anger: Understanding How and Why You Express It “It is wise to direct your anger towards problems - not people, to focus your energies on answers – not excuses”  William Arthur Ward Objectives  Understand that anger is not really an emotion – it‘s a protective response to a perceived hurt or threat  The goal of ―anger management‖ is to learn how to express your feelings in a way that will leave you feeling heard and empowered instead of being seen as the problem  Learn the difference between expressing anger in aggressive, passive aggressive and rageful ways  Understand the Anger Myths and which ones you may be using as excuses for your behavior  Fully understand what anger is costing you in terms of your health, self-esteem, marriage, friendships and at the workplace  Understand the ―Four Horsemen of Anger‖ and why its important to address all four aspects of this model in order for you to fully control your anger Congratulations for making the decision to enroll in this class! As someone who has struggled with an anger problem I personally understand the damage it can to your life; what its like to feel like you have a valid point to make, to feel like someone has really done you wrong and that you are in the right only to somehow or another end up expressing it looking like your problem This only leaves you feeling more wronged, more hurt and more, ….well, angry Because of this, I‘ve spent close to twenty years learning everything I could about anger In working on myself and with thousands of clients I have tested and retested countless methods Many of these methods did not work and were thrown out What you have before you between this text, the workbook, the special reports, the online videos and the ―Retrain Your Brain‖ DVD are what I believe to be the most cutting edge and comprehensive tools available to learn to deal with anger in a more productive fashion You will learn how to deal with thing in a way that will leave you feeling heard, understood and in charge Imagine – no more walking around holding simmering grudges, no more feeling as people look at you like there is something wrong with you Won‘t that be great? My End of the Bargain Most anger courses don‘t work and there are two reasons for this One is because of the course itself Most workbooks I have seen or courses I‘ve attended tend to approach the problem from only one angle – you‘ve heard of them – you need to count to ten, you need to take a step back and think about things, you should try to see things from the other person‘s point of view These are all very important skills and in fact you will see that I incorporate some of them in this course The problem is that they are only one angle of the problem What separates this course from others you may have taken is that we are going to cover anger from four very broad angles – what I call the ―Four Horsemen of Anger‖ Four Horsemen of Anger 1) Biology There are parts of our brain whose job is to determine if a situation is dangerous or threatening Many people who struggle with anger have an overly sensitive "threat filter" which puts them on high alert before they have had a chance to really think a situation through We‘ll talk about how your brain works in Lesson Three: ―This is Your Brain and This is Your Brain on Anger‖ and I will show you some very specific and simple ways to calm yourself within minutes in Lessons and 5: ―Calming the Emotional Brain‖ and ―Changing the Way the Emotional Brain Automatically Responds‖ 2) Triggers Why is it that something that is very upsetting to one person but not another? Oftentimes it is related to our history Through experience, each of us has learned to perceive certain situations as threatening or triggering Since we have all had different experiences we each see different things as upsetting We‘ll talk about how this works in Lesson ―Understanding Your Triggers: Patterns and Illusions of Control‖ 3) Shortcuts Did you know that much of the time we use mental shortcuts to figure out what is going on around us? Usually, these shortcuts are very efficient ways of dealing with life After all, if we really thought in depth about everything going on around us our brains would very quickly become overwhelmed The problem with mental shortcuts in those with anger issues is that they lead you to either misperceive a situation or they give you tunnel vision and limit your ability to think through all your options In Lesson 6: Stinking Thinking: How our Thinking Brain Adds fuel to the Fire and How to Better Manage It‖ I‘ll show how to become aware of what your mental shortcuts are, how to be tuned into them in everyday life and how to become aware of them and change the way you are thinking about a situation before you end up in trouble 4) Behavior Insight and self management skills are important, but only half the battle The final piece of the puzzle is dealing with other people How you talk to a difficult person in a non-confrontational way? How you ask someone to change an annoying behavior without provoking a fight? How you gracefully exit a tense situation? How to you offer and respond to criticism? We‘ll cover all this and more in Lessons – 12 Secrets of Effective Communication ; How to Offer Criticism in a Positive and Powerful Fashion, How to Respond Assertively to Criticism, ―How to Deal with People You Can‘t Stand‖ and finally, ―Forgiveness is not a Four Letter Word‖ Your End of the Bargain As I said earlier, there are two reasons that most people not successfully complete anger management courses The first had to with the comprehensiveness of the course, and as you can see, we cover all the bases The second reason is you Change, real lasting change, requires effort If you go to any gym in the middle of January it will be so packed that you will be lucky to find an available treadmill Go back to that same gym in the middle of March and it will be half empty I‘ve seen the same thing happen with anger management Most people approach a course like this like gangbusters – ―I‘m gonna lick this thing once and for all‖ and then they go all out for five or six weeks I can‘t tell you how many times I‘ve heard people about a month into the program say to me ―Doc, I really think I‘ve got this thing l beat – I haven‘t gotten pissed off in weeks‖ That‘s usually my first sign that a big blowout is just around the corner Its just human nature – just like the gym, quitting smoking or going on a diet, we all get excited , we are all super aware and super diligent about our behavior and things seem to come so easily But enthusiasm can only carry most of us so far and then reality starts to creep back in The sad part is that when people have a bad day, be it skipping a workout or two, having a couple of cigarettes or getting angry they take that as a sign of defeat – that they just can‘t overcome their problem Pardon my technical jargon, but HORSEHOCKEY!! All of these things, anger in particular, are habits that you have had for years and years Its very rare that someone is able to stop a habit like flicking a switch It was a gradual process that took years for you to develop the anger habit and its going to be a gradual process for you to completely overcome It takes the average person something like real tries to quit smoking for it to actually stick You wouldn‘t read a book on skiing and expect to go out the next day and ski down a black diamond slope perfectly would you? No, you‘d take some lessons, go out on the bunny slope and fall down a lot But you would get back up and keep trying because you knew if you just kept trying you would eventually get to be pretty good Anger is no different I can almost guarantee that you can you that you can read this book, watch all the videos, complete all the exercises in the workbook and you are still going to get mad The trick is to use these as learning experiences When you lose your cool review the material we are going to cover in this course, ask yourself where things went wrong and what you can differently in the future That‘s how you learn Practice, practice, practice! Ok, lets talk about anger!! One thing that you will hear me say over and over again is that anger is technically not an emotion; rather it is a protective response to a perceived fear or threat Let me say that again: anger is not really an emotion; it’s a protective response to a perceived hurt or threat Think about it, have you ever gotten mad about something that on some level did not feel threatening to you? Someone cuts you off, someone tells you to something you don't want to do, a loved one says or does something that feels controlling or just plain mean All of these situations can be experienced as threatening And when threatened, our instinct is to protect ourselves or something very bad could happen to us That‘s where anger and aggressiveness come in When we think of anger we typically think of the actions we see on the surface – for example, your body tenses, you might yell, throw things or become violent However, this is actually more of a definition of aggression than anger Anger and aggression are not the same thing You can be angry without being aggressive Looking back on your own experiences you will no doubt find times where you became angry and dealt with it in a non-aggressive way (e.g resisting the urge to hit your boss because you would lose your job) Anger is an emotion that is normal to all of us Usually, its a warning signal that something is wrong Use that signal the right way and it can be your friend Use it the wrong way and…well you end up taking my course Its good to release anger It takes an enormous amount of energy to hold anger inside and it could eventually lead to high blood pressure, diabetes, gastric reflux, heart disease, cander and a whole bunch of other things you probably don‘t want to have Believe it or not, if you use anger the right way, you may find that you have happier and healthier relationships Positive use of anger can also build self-esteem If you are able to tell someone your feelings instead of keeping them inside (notice – I said ―tell‖ not ―yell‖), you are saying to them and to yourself, ―I am a valuable person and I expect to be treated as such.‖ An example of a positive expression of anger might be that You have a friend that is constantly late This is very upsetting to you, but you saying anything? If you don’t one of two things will probably happen You will either stuff and stuff and stuff until you blow up at her or you will start to get passive aggressive and begin to make excuses to avoid her Either way you may lose a friend On the other hand, If you are able to tell your friend that being late is difficult for you and makes you feel unimportant, she may actually listen, apologize, and begin to arrive on time You may actually end up closer than you were to start with Now its true that she may also may get angry at you or ignore you, but we will talk about how to deal with that later in the course Right now I just want you to remember that anger is a warning sign that something is wrong and that there are other ways to deal with it besides acting out The problem for most people taking this course is that your habit (and its really important to think of anger as a habit because that‘s all it really is) is to drive right off the cliff into the aggression land Technically, this course should probably be called something like ―Aggression Management‖ or ―How to Express your Anger in an Assertive Fashion‖ rather than Anger Management Your goal is not to make anger go away Rather your goal here is to learn to deal with anger in different ways; ways that will leave you empowered instead of with the temporary illusion of power that aggression may give you The choice of how you react to people or situations lies within you (remember my earlier example about staying cool with your boss) If your anger truly was effective people or situations would change and we wouldn‘t keep getting pissed off at them You can‘t control other people, the only thing that you can control is how you deal with and express your anger The Difference between Anger and Aggression Now these things may seem obvious to you, but lets take a second and look at what I mean when I am talking about aggressive behavior  Deliberate intent to harm, attack, injure, hurt or control  Actions that harm or hurt others (e.g hitting, shoving, punching, using words to belittle) or oneself (e.g punching the wall, destroying something important to you)  Starting fights or arguments  Being pushy  Bullying  Dangerous driving (aka road rage)  Making threats  Making insults The first three horsemen of anger – biology, triggers and stinking thinking are the inward drivers of aggression and the fourth horsemen, behavior is the outward expression of it so that is why the course is built around those factors Passive Aggressiveness The exact opposite of a person who expresses their anger aggressively is the Passive Aggressive There is no doubt when someone who is being aggressive fashion is angry People who use passive aggression are masters at expressing their anger or need for control in ways that, while infuriating, make it impossible for you to confront them in a healthy or direct fashion They always have a seemingly innocent alibi which allows them to protest their innocence Passive Aggression is a defense mechanism used to protect a very fragile sense of self The paradox of someone with this disorder is that they want to be loved, but because their sense of self is so fragile they have a fear of losing themselves in an intimate relationship They often times grew up in a very rigid and controlling household in which expressing their true selves was discouraged and they learned the only way to express their feelings was through indirect means Cathy Meyer of About.com has identified 10 traits of the Passive Aggressive    Ambiguity: Actions speak louder than words when it comes to the passive aggressive and how ambiguous they can be They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act Normally they don't act until after they've caused some kind of stress by their ambiguous way of communicating Forgetfulness: The passive aggressive avoids responsibility by forgetting How convenient is that? There is no easier way to punish someone than forgetting that lunch date or your birthday or, better yet, an anniversary Blaming: They are never responsible for their actions If you aren't to blame then it is something that happened at work, the traffic on the way home or the slow clerk at the convenience store The passive aggressive has no faults, it is everyone around him/her who has faults and they must be punished for those faults 10 The Know it All Know it alls are possibly the most difficult of all personalities to deal with because their need to be expert and correct in everything is oftentimes a defense mechanism against a deep sense of insecurity They overcompensate for their insecurity by becoming knowledgeable and extremely competent people They are usually highly assertive and outspoken in their viewpoints They can be very controlling, with a low tolerance for correction and contradiction New ideas or alternative approaches are frequently perceived as a challenge to their authority and knowledge, regardless of the merit of the ideas or approach As a result, it is quite difficult if not next to impossible to get your two cents in Most frustrating of all is that know it alls usually turn out to be absolutely right and are not afraid to let people know about it Thus, they often leave others feeling inept, confused, or stupid Even when their plan appears to be headed for failure or their facts wrong, know it alls have a very hard time acknowledging that there are problems because to so would be tantamount to acknowledging there is something wrong with them To cope they often see the fault as lying with incompetents like you and me who were responsible for carrying it out How to Effectively Respond to a Know it All Step 1: Know Your Stuff The central strategy in coping with Know it Alls is to avoid the perception of direct challenges to their expertise You must your homework and be overly prepared Gather the facts that you need, be prepared with backup materials that will support your arguments and describe your ideas in an orderly way Step 2: Paraphrase Often and Respectfully Though Know-It-Alls like to get it done, they are usually willing to stop and appreciate their own brilliance when it‘s reflected back to them You will have to more 113 paraphrasing with a Know-It-All than with any other difficult person Play to their egos Be sure to demonstrate that you fully understand their point of view before you begin to redirect them to your idea Step 3: Use Blurring Techniques to Meld with Their Doubts and Desires Most Know-it-Alls have a set of criteria they use to evaluate an idea that they use over and over again They usually have a set of dismissal statements they use to convey their criteria Regardless of the idea under discussion, the Know-It- All will interject a standard dismissal, like ―We don‘t have time,‖, ―We can‘t afford that right now‖ If you suspect that one of these dismissals will be used to dismiss your position, say it to them before they have a chance to say it to you ‗Since we can‘t afford to make unnecessary changes … ― Or ―Since our budget is so tight … ― ― Step 4: Present Your Views Indirectly Proceed quickly but cautiously at this step While you present your ideas, prevent the Know-It-All from becoming defensive by: a) Using questions to bring up issues or errors b) Using words like ―maybe,‖ ―perhaps,‖ ―this may take us down a blind alley,‖ ― ―I was just wondering, what would happen if‖ and ―What YOU suppose would happen if‖ These all sound hypothetical and indirect rather than determined and challenging and are much less likely to raise a know it all‘s defenses c) Using plural pronouns like ―we‖ or ―us,‖ rather than singular pronouns like ―I‖ or ―you.‖ 114 The Yes Person The Yes person wants to be liked by everyone all the time Conflict is to be avoided at all costs Yes people so badly want to make others happy that they will unthinkingly commit themselves without thought about their ability to follow through All they know is that somebody wants something and they can‘t just say no Driven by the desire to fit in and get along with others, Yes People easily over commit in order to please Because they are nice people, Yes People hope it all works out wonderfully When it doesn‘t work out, they honestly feel terrible about it Yet they don‘t feel responsible for not following through, because there is always some set of circumstances beyond their control that has gotten in the way In their mind they are often offering what feels to be a valid explanation not realizing that their explanations often come off as poor excuses or passive aggressive behavior Unfortunately, confronting a yes person usually stirs up one of two reactions within them One is a sense of genuine contriteness – they really feel bad about letting you down and as a way of dealing with that will say anything they can, no matter how unrealistic it may be, in order to make it up to you Of course, this only perpetuates the cycle as it creates yet another set of promises they are unable to follow through on The second possibility is that they become angered by your confrontation Unfortunately, their desire to please and to avoid confrontation keeps them from expressing their true feelings They will instead resort to passive aggressive behaviors The point to remember when dealing with a Yes person is that you‘ll never get them to keep promises by making him or her feel bad about breaking them 115 How to Effectively Respond to a Yes Person Step 1: Create an atmosphere of trust Every moment you spend with a Yes person is an investment in the future Your goal is to show that you take a genuine, personal interest in them Over time you want to communicate to them that no one, including yourself, is perfect and that its hard to juggle all of life‘s responsibilities One word of caution: Because they are so sensitive to pleasing others Yes people often have a very strong B.S detector If you don‘t really feel an interest in your Yes person don‘t fake it This will only backfire on you and cause them to be ever more pleasing and ever less likely to follow through Step 2: Help them plan Use an unkept promise as an opening to connect But be sure to so in a friendly, collegial way Its important to remember that the planning skills of Yes people are not very highly developed – they don‘t think , they just say yes and its not often that they failed to follow through with any mal intent You might want to approach them by saying something like ―You know when we first talked about this I had a hunch that you might be taking on too much and having a hard time getting this done in time, but I also knew how important being a team player was to you so I didn‘t say anything at the time‖ This acknowledges their shortcoming while at the same time conveying the more important message that ―I know that you are a good person and meant well‖ Step 3: Get a commitment to work as a team After you have had this discussion with your Yes person, ask if they would be willing to continue having talks like this with you at the beginning of a project so that you can work together better as a team The idea of team is very important to convey as it appeals to their need to be liked Step 4: Give them honest feedback  Tell them what they did right in as specific terms as possible Stick to the facts, not your personal opinion ―Bob, you promised to clean your room by Tuesday afternoon and you did exactly what you 116 promised If they failed to follow through, tell them honestly, but again just stick to the facts – ―Bob, you made a promise to clean your room by Tuesday afternoon‖  Tell them how you feel – pleased, grateful, impressed, proud If they failed to honor their commitment – ―Honestly, I‘m disappointed (frustrated, hurt, etc…) by this  Tell them the ramifications of their actions ―You clean room is going to make it so much easier for the real estate agent to sell our house and the quicker that happens the quicker we can make an offer on that cool new house we all love‖ or ―Your messy room is going to make it very hard for the agent to sell the house and we might not be able to make an offer on that new house we all love because of it‖  Appeal to their positive side ―You know what I really like about you? When you something you really it right!!‖ or ―That‘s not like you to let us down I know you want to us to be proud of you and that you are capable of great work I also know that you are an honest person and don‘t like to make promises that you can‘t keep‖ Eeyores Remember Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh? Poor Eeyore – no matter what happened in life he felt out of control and always anticipated the worst Going back to our lesson on Stinking Thinking, Eeyore was a classic example of someone who had a very strong negative filter –he could only see what was wrong with things – and was a master of Negative Fortune Telling Eeyore also had what us psychologists call a very high external locus of control which is just a way of saying that he felt as if he had very little control over his own life – that his destiny was pretty much left to the fates Some Eeyores put considerable energy into grumbling aloud, while others fall into a complete passive and apathetic hopelessness Through thoughts, words, and occasionally deeds, Eeyores have the uncanny ability to 117 extinguish hope in others and smother creative sparks before they catch fire They respond to anyone else‘s suggestion with statements like ―It won‘t I work‖ or ―It‘s no use trying‖ or ―We tried that last year‖, etc… These conversation stoppers are said with such conviction that you may begin to believe that your hopes for the future were just flights of overly optimistic whimsy How to Effectively Cope with an Eeyore Strategy #1 - Use Psychological Judo - You should not try to persuade Eeyores to admit that they are wrong First of all, they may actually be right Second, it‘s wasteful Since they are starting with the certainty that nothing will work, they are not easily persuaded otherwise The discussion can easily degenerate into a ―You‘re wrong, I‘m right‖ argument Instead, try using psychological judo This technique was mastered by a very famous hypnotherapist named Milton Erickson Erickson first got this idea as a young boy growing up on a farm One day he was watching his father try to pull a mule into the barn His father struggled and struggled, but the mule simply would not budge A light bulb went off in young Milton‘s head and he went over and pulled the mule‘s tail in the opposite direction Sure enough, just to show that he was not going to what some human wanted him to the mule walked right into the barn The same applies to humans What response you get when you tell a three-year-old to go to bed? ―I don‘t want to go to bed.‖ So then you go for psychological judo, and tell them, ―You can‘t go to bed and you have to stay up all night!‖ And sure enough they say, ―But I‘m tired I want to go to bed.‖ Psychological Judo works very well with Eeyores because they are in the adversarial position already There are two ways to apply this principle when dealing with your No People 118  Bring up the negatives before they ―Here‘s my idea, and here‘s where I see it has problems.‖ The Eeyore, in hearing that you are approaching your idea realistically may be satisfied and not say anything negative  Agree with the hopelessness of the situation, and take it one step further! Throw down the gauntlet by insisting that even the Eeyore would be incapable of finding a solution to this problem ―You‘re right It is hopeless In fact, not even you could solve this problem.‖ Don‘t be surprised to see your Eeyore all of a sudden become a problem solving machine telling you that it can be done and how to it Strategy #2: Acknowledge The Eeyore’s Good Intent Remember, despite being a drag to be around most Eeyores are well meaning Try to convey that you see the good intent behind the negative behavior; appreciate the Eeyore for having such high standards, for the willingness to speak up, and for the concern about details This will oftentimes lead the Eeyores to express themselves in a more specific and positive fashion 119 Lesson 12: To Forgive or To Not Forgive That is the Question “Forgiving does not erase the bitter past Forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember We change the memory of our past into a hope for the future”  Lewis B Smedes Objectives  Understand that unresolved anger imprisons you more than the person you are angry at  Learn that forgiveness does not mean forgetting; it simply is a way to free yourself from the past  Work through the three steps of forgiveness on an issue or person that you are chronically angry at This lesson may prove to be the hardest of all for you, but its possibly the most important and more than any other holds the key to truly letting go of anger There are more written assignments in this lesson than any other and I urge you to take your time in doing them This is not a lesson to be knocked out in one or two evenings To truly forgive requires deep reflection and time There are two types of forgiveness The first is forgiveness for the past that might be contributing to the way you view the world now Many people who have been abused or neglected by their parents, picked on by other kids growing up, hurt by a love relationship gone bad, lost something or someone due to an accident or act of violence by another hold on to these hurts and allow them to shape their world view They no longer trust and these types of hurt impact almost every relationship in their lives The second type of forgiveness is for things that may be happening in the present or very recently Your spouse did something to upset you, you think of one of the people you work with doesn‘t pull his or her own weight, your 120 neighbor doesn‘t keep his or her yard up the way everyone else does in the neighborhood These types of hurts have huge impact upon how you view the other and how you interact with them This is especially true with couples where old wounds pile upon one another until its hard for you to see the good in your partner because you haven‘t forgiven him or her for all the ―bad stuff‖ that he or she has done Forgiveness is important because when we hold on to pain, old grudges, bitterness and even hatred, many areas of our lives suffer We are the ones who pay the price over and over We may bring our anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience Our lives may be so wrapped up in the wrong that we can't enjoy the present Signs that it may be time to think about forgiving include:  Replaying what upset you over and over in your mind  Hearing from others that you have a chip on your shoulder or that you're wallowing in self-pity  Being avoided by family and friends because they don't enjoy being around you  Having angry outbursts at the smallest perceived slights  Feeling misunderstood about whatever happened  A desire for revenge or punishment  Automatically thinking the worst about people or situations  Missing the relationship  Feeling at odds with your religious or spiritual beliefs Forgiveness is a Choice The first person that forgiveness changes is the one doing the forgiving Let me say that again because its important – the person that forgiveness changes is the one doing the forgiving, not the one being forgiven How‘s that? People often think of their anger as a way of keeping the one who hurt them in a kind of emotional prison As long as they held onto the anger and bitterness, the wrongdoer stays in jail But when you really stop 121 and think about it, the only one who is really in an emotional prison is you More often than not, the person you are pissed at is either unaware, doesn‘t care or simply don‘t give it as much thought as you Meanwhile, you walk around stewing and obsessing over the wrong that was done to you Your anger ends up affecting you more than the one who hurt you Forgiveness is the key to unlocking the prison door There is not some automatic ―click‖ that sets you free You must choose to walk out of that cell Some have lived with the label of ―victim‖ for so long that it‘s become part of them They‘d rather live in the cell because at least they know what to expect there Forgiveness requires you to step outside and into the future Forgiving is not about focusing on our anger or on the event that caused us to be angry; it‘s about focusing on the source of the anger – the person who hurt us As we reach out to the one who hurt us - and yes I said reach out - we are the ones who are healed Does Forgiveness Work? In a word – yes Numerous scientific studies have conclusively demonstrated that forgiveness is a skill that can be taught and that the act of forgiving is associated with decreases in levels of anger, depression, anxiety, and an increased sense of overall well being and lowered blood pressure To give one example A study conducted by research psychologists Suzanne Freedman and Robert Enright involved 12 women who were survivors of childhood incest All were anxious, depressed and suffering from low self esteem before beginning the study The participants were divided into two groups of six One group received training on forgiving their perpetrator and the other received no training at all After completing the training, all six women in the forgiveness group reported less depression 122 and anxiety on average and their sense of hopefulness increased All six were able to forgive the perpetrator in one fashion or another What Forgiveness is Not People are afraid that forgiveness means pretending that nothing happened to them They are afraid that if they forgive they open themselves up to being hurt again; that forgiving means letting someone get away with something Many people feel that forgiving requires that they forget the offense, which is impossible Most can‘t imagine that their feelings toward the offender can ever change This is not what forgiving is about Forgiving begins with acknowledging that you are a person who has a right to be treated with respect It does not require denying your feelings We don‘t have to forget in order to forgive Forgiveness does not produce amnesia Lets take a quick look at some common misperceptions of what forgiveness is about Forgiveness Does Not Mean  Condoning or Excusing - When you condone, you are in essence telling yourself that you deserved being wronged But as I said a moment ago the opposite is true - the purpose of forgiveness is to actually acknowledge that a hurt or an injustice occurred; it says that you are someone of value who did not deserve for this to happen in the first place  Forgetting - Recall that our brains are designed to remember painful experiences so that we know how to avoid danger and live to see another day As I said a moment ago, forgiveness does not produce amnesia Forgiveness will, however, change the way you remember the past You will control it instead of it controlling you And, more importantly, it will change how you deal with your future 123  You can forgive and not reconcile - Reconciliation is when two people come back together You can reunite, but not forgive I have seen many couples who had separated and then gotten back together for the sake of the kids (never a good move, btw) On the surface they had reconciled, but because neither had forgiven the other for the sins of the past they had not truly reconciled These couples live in two worlds in one house One never truly reconciles without some form of forgiveness taking place If the offender remains unrepentant then true reconciliation can never occur Why Forgive?  It lets you out of the prison cell of your emotions  It can give you peace of mind  It may help your relationship with other people For example, maybe your anger with your ex has spilled over to your relationship with your children Forgiving your ex would be a gift to your children  Forgiveness may help the one who hurt you to see his or her unfairness and to take steps to stop it Your forgiveness can enhance the character of the one who hurt you  If you are a person of faith you can forgive because God asks you to so You forgive as an act of love toward God Forgiveness is a Process I look at forgiveness as a three stage process with each stage of the process having several steps or components to it Everybody‘s situation is different, everyone‘s place in the forgiveness process is different so there is no right or wrong way to approach this Some people may find that they are ready to begin work on stage three already, while others may be at stage one Look at each step as part of a checklist; at each step ask yourself: ―Is this a problem for me? Have I been doing this?‖ 124 The Three Phases of Forgiveness Phase 1: Uncovering your anger: To forgive, you must be willing to examine how much anger you may have over what was done to you Realizing that you are angry can be very painful, but as I said earlier forgiveness is not about pretending that nothing happened or hiding from it You have suffered and need to be honest with yourself about that suffering In this phase you will be asked to answer some questions that will help you fully acknowledge your hurt and to begin to see your anger in a different light Phase 2: Making the decision to forgive: Forgiveness requires a decision and a commitment Its usually not something you can flick on like a switch or you wouldn‘t be angry in the first place In this phase you will have to make three choices:  Decide that what you have been doing hasn‘t worked  Be willing to begin the forgiveness process  Decide to forgive Phase 3: The work of forgiveness: Simply making a decision to forgive isn‘t enough You will need to take concrete actions to make your forgiveness real This phase involves:  Working toward understanding the other person‘s perspective 125  Increasing your compassion  Accepting the pain  Giving the offender a gift Yes, that‘s right – a gift More about this later, just trust me on this one for the time being  Enjoying the freedom forgiveness gives you The questions in the workbook will take you through this three step process This can be a bit of work, but I urge you to be good to yourself and take the time to put the full effort in You will always be a prisoner to your anger unless you are able to forgive and you will not be able to forgive without taking the time to understand the situation in a new light To put it in perspective: how much time have you spent stewing over the hurt? How much has it cost you in terms of time, emotional energy, relationships, or opportunities in life? Believe me, the time it takes you to a thorough job in exploring these questions is going to be miniscule in relation to the amount of time you‘ve spent stewing over this or the cost that you have paid for someone else‘s wrong doing As an act of self respect, you owe it to yourself to take the time to this and free yourself from that emotional prison For more free anger management information, please go to: http://www.angermanagement.net Dr Joe James is a nationally recognized expert on anger management 126 127 ...Dr Joe’s Freedom From Anger Table of Contents Lesson 1: What is Anger? p Lesson 2: What‘s Your Anger Personality? p 16 Lesson 3: This is Your Brain on Anger p 23 Lesson 4: Calming... separates this course from others you may have taken is that we are going to cover anger from four very broad angles – what I call the ―Four Horsemen of Anger? ?? Four Horsemen of Anger 1) Biology There... likely to withdraw from you Anger Myths Before we wrap up our discussion on what is anger, lets talk about some of the myths that people sometimes have about anger In my experience, anger is almost