First published in the UK in 2012 by Icon Books Ltd, Omnibus Business Centre, 39–41 North Road, London N7 9DP email: info@iconbooks.co.uk www.iconbooks.co.uk This electronic edition published in the UK in 2012 by Icon Books Ltd ISBN: 978-1-84831-360-6 (ePub format) ISBN: 978-1-84831-361-3 (Adobe eBook format) Printed edition sold in the UK, Europe, South Africa and Asia by Faber & Faber Ltd, Bloomsbury House, 74–77 Great Russell Street, London WC1B 3DA or their agents Printed edition distributed in the UK, Europe, South Africa and Asia by TBS Ltd, TBS Distribution Centre, Colchester Road, Frating Green, Colchester CO7 7DW Printed edition published in Australia in 2012 by Allen & Unwin Pty Ltd, PO Box 8500, 83 Alexander Street, Crows Nest, NSW 2065 Printed edition distributed in Canada by Penguin Books Canada, 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3 Printed edition published in the USA in 2012 by Icon Books Inquiries to: Icon Books Ltd, Omnibus Business Centre, 39–41 North Road, London N7 9DP, UK Printed edition distributed to the trade in the USA by Consortium Book Sales and Distribution The Keg House, 34 Thirteenth Avenue NE, Suite 101, Minneapolis, MN 55413-1007 Text copyright © 2012 John Karter The author has asserted his moral rights No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, or by any means, without prior permission in writing from the publisher Typeset in Avenir by Marie Doherty About the author John Karter is a UKCP registered psychotherapist in private practice He has worked as a therapist in various settings, including GamCare, the national association for gambling care; a child, adolescent and family unit of the NHS; and secondary and further education He has been a tutor in psychotherapy and counselling at Regent’s College School of Psychotherapy and Counselling Psychology and Richmond upon Thames College He is the author of On Training To Be A Therapist (Open University Press), which is used as a standard textbook on training courses John has been a writer for The Sunday Times, The Times and The Independent, and is also the author of a novella entitled The Profit (Roastbooks) Acknowledgements Sincere thanks to Susi Noble and Katerina Dimakopoulou for reading through the manuscript and making invaluable comments and suggestions I am also grateful to Duncan Heath, Harry Scoble and everyone else at Icon Books for their professionalism and support in bringing this book from basic manuscript to finished article Author’s note It’s important to note that there is much frequently-used research employed in the psychology of relationships Where I know the source I have been sure to reference it, but my apologies here to the originators of any material if I have overlooked them Contents Cover Title Page Copyright About the author Acknowledgements Author’s note Introduction 1: Knowing your needs 2: A game of two halves 3: All by myself 4: Growing together, apart 5: All change, please 6: Are you receiving me? 7: The self-esteem factor 8: The meaning of conflict 9: Crazy for you 10: The parent trap 11: Why opposites rarely attract 12: Knowing me, knowing you 13: The myth of sex 14: Forsaking all others? 15: The mystery of love Conclusions Resources Index Introduction Grow old with me! The best is yet to be Robert Browning This is not another book about love or how to find love; there are more than enough of those out there already My aim is to help you to understand your relationships and to achieve new and healthier ways of relating by explaining some of the major underlying psychological principles and ‘drivers’ that lead us to think and behave in certain ways with our spouses or partners Identifying and working on these motivating factors will help to eliminate ‘knee-jerk’ reactions and will nourish and sustain the relationship instead of allowing it to plod along and deteriorate by default Working as a psychotherapist, I encounter the full range of psychological drama and complexity through the stories clients tell me about their lives Yet, no matter how often I peer into the kaleidoscope of passion, joy, sorrow, and the whole range of emotions that constitute what it means to be human, I am still surprised by the widespread misconceptions that people hold about major life issues High on the list of these beliefs are the expectations people have of their relationships For the purposes of this book I am referring to love/romantic relationships between adults, both heterosexual and same-sex; although some of the principles in this book can be applied to relationships generally Most readers will, I’m sure, be familiar with the adage ‘Who ever said life was meant to be easy?’ which, despite its intrinsic flippancy, contains a fundamental truth For many, there is an assumption that success and happiness should be handed to us on a silver platter; that those states of being are, if you like, an inherent and inalienable part of our birthright In the case of relationships, there is often an expectation that these ‘love partnerships’ should not only provide a permanent state of bliss but alleviate all the difficulties of living as well It’s natural and healthy to dream of finding someone with whom we can enjoy a joyful, nurturing, fulfilling relationship However, when we buy into the widespread idea that harmony and mutual fulfilment happen automatically as a result of meeting the ‘right’ person, an important factor is missed, or dismissed Meaningful, lasting relationships are incredibly complex, multi-faceted psychological structures that are not built in a day and not happen purely by accident That is certainly not intended to offer a negative take on what can be the most sublime and uplifting of all human experiences; rather it flags up a key principle of this book, namely that the more you put into relationships, both in terms of effort and understanding, the more you get out of them Like so many things in life, the index of success in relationships almost invariably correlates with the amount of sustained attention, effort and, occasionally, self-sacrifice that each partner is prepared to bring to it In this context, I am reminded of Gary Player’s response when asked for the secret of his phenomenal success as a champion golfer: ‘The harder I practise the luckier I get.’ Other qualities such as caring, nurturing, giving, and, of course, genuine loving, play a huge part as well but these not preclude the need for working at a relationship to ensure its continued stability and growth A relationship that is taken for granted, not worked at to some degree, or where either partner (or both) does not respect the other as a person, downplays or dismisses their needs, makes no attempt at meaningful communication, and does not honour certain boundaries of behaviour, will almost invariably wither and eventually die This is where the psychological basis of a relationship kicks in, which means, paradoxically, that working at it is often not enough in itself Given those complicated and often delicate underpinnings – which are usually out of our awareness or in our ‘unconscious’, to use the psychological term – focusing on the ‘visible’ issues, such as better communication, acceptance of the other person’s human failings, and learning to deal with change, needs to be supplemented by an understanding of what is really going on beneath the surface of the dialogue and interactions The more you are able to gain insight into the hidden agendas, feelings and unspoken communications, and uncover what is really happening between the two of you, the better placed you will be to deal with conflict, change negative and destructive patterns of relating that eat away at the fabric of the relationship, and bring those vital qualities of mutual nurture, respect and genuine love into play When couples are suddenly able to see what lies beneath their ‘locked-in’ behaviour patterns it can mark a turning point in their relationship And often it is something relatively simple in psychological terms that goes unrecognized, simply because the individuals concerned have not been made aware of it That was the case with Bill and Angie, who came to see me because they were caught up in a seemingly endless cycle of arguing and recrimination, which had descended to the level of increasingly bitter personal attacks After listening to them both putting their own side of the story, I asked them if my perception that neither was prepared to back down in any way was true Rather sheepishly, they agreed that was the case When I suggested to them that pride was the basis for their stubborn refusal to give ground, and explained that this was linked to a perceived loss of self-esteem, or loss of face, it was as if a veil had been lifted from their eyes In the next session they told me that things had already taken a turn for the better because every time an argument began to kick in they had been able to step back and acknowledge their own feelings of vulnerability, and, most importantly, listen to what the other was trying to communicate instead of hitting back Relationship issues not usually resolve themselves quite so easily, but in this case a simple insight had sparked a sea change in their way of relating to each other If you are struggling to understand why your dreams of emotional harmony and sexual ecstasy are crumbling before your eyes; why he or she is proving to be anything but the model of loving kindness you expected them to be; or why you have descended into a living hell of rowing and resentment, my hope is that the following chapters will help you find a way to step back, see things from a new perspective and begin to move forward in a more positive direction, as in the example of Bill and Angie above On the other hand, perhaps you are simply seeking to gain more insight into your relationship, to see how it functions on different levels, and make it more loving and rewarding than it already is Or maybe you are keen to understand relationships in general and so be better equipped for entering into one when you are ready In either case the principles and practical pointers in this book are also designed to put you on a sound footing for achieving those goals The celebrated American author James Thurber once said: ‘A lady of 47 who has been married 27 years and has six children knows what love really is and once described it for me like this: “Love is what you’ve been through with somebody.”’ The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver (Orion, 2000) A relationship guide based on the use of scientific procedures to observe the habits of married couples in detail over many years; contains practical questionnaires and exercises The Transformation of Intimacy by Anthony Giddens (Polity Press, 1993) An examination of the sexual revolution, and an analysis of the role of sexuality, gender and identity in modern culture, written by a former professor of Sociology and fellow of King’s College, Cambridge Who Moved My Cheese by Dr Spencer Johnson (Vermilion, 1998) An international bestseller that uses a simple parable about four characters living in a maze to demonstrate how to deal with change in the most beneficial and productive way Why We Love by Helen Fisher (Holt McDougal, 2005) By the celebrated author of Anatomy of Love, this is an equally compelling volume analysing the biological, chemical and anthropological underpinnings for the phenomenon we know as romantic love Why Women Have Sex by Cindy Meston and David Buss (Vintage, 2010) The title says it all about this detailed analysis of the many reasons – 237 in all according to the psychologists who wrote the book – behind the female sex drive Organizations offering advice and therapy UK and Europe British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy – www.bacp.co.uk College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists – www.cosrt.org.uk Couples Counselling Network – www.ukcouplescounselling.com Institute of Family Therapy – www.ift.org.uk Pink Therapy (for sexual and gender minorities) – www.pinktherapy.com Relate (relationship counselling) – www.relate.org.uk Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships – www.tccr.org.uk UK Council for Psychotherapy – www.psychotherapy.org.uk American Psychological Association – www.apa.org European Association for Psychotherapy – www.europsyche.org USA National Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology – www.nationalregister.org National Board for Certified Counselors – www.nbcc.org Australia Psychotherapy and Counselling Federation of Australia – www.pacfa.org.au Index abandonment (i) acceptance (i), (ii), (iii), (iv) addictions (i) everyday (i) features of (i) and repetition compulsion (i) addictive love (i) adrenaline (i) agape (i) Ainsworth, Mary (i) Allen, Woody (i), (ii) aloneness (i), (ii) ambivalent attachment (i) amphetamines (i) Anderson, Margaret (i) anima (i) animus (i) annihilation, threat of (i) anxieties, unthinkable (i) anxiety, psychological effects (i) arguments, and keeping relationship alive (i) Assagioli, Roberto (i) associations, nature of (i) attachment styles (i), (ii), (iii) complementary (i) attachment theory (i) attention-seeking (i) attention span (i) average (i) attitude (i) attraction conscious expectations (i) ‘Facebook of’ (i) law(s) of (i) public aspects (i) sexual (i) unconscious (i) attractiveness, reassurance of (i) authority figures (i) avoidant attachment (i) beliefs foundational (i), (ii) of how perceived by others (i) Betchen, Stephen (i) betrayal feeling of (i) gender differences in responses to (i), (ii) Bible (i) bipolar disorder (i) bonding (i), (ii) Bowlby, John (i) Boy George (i) brain, structure change (i) Branden, Dr Nathaniel (i) breastfeeding (i) British Psychological Society (i) British Social Attitudes Survey (i) Browning, Robert (i) Bullock, Sandra (i), (ii) Buss, David (i), (ii) career, changing (i) Casanova (i) CBT (i), (ii) celebrities, idolization of (i) change as continuous for life (i) inevitability of (i) negative perception of (i) as opportunity (i) steps in dealing with (i) character building (i) self-esteem and (i) ‘chemistry’ (i) children, birth (i) Cleese, John (i), (ii) co-dependency, characteristics (i) Cocker, Joe (i) cognitions, faulty (i) Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) (i), (ii) commitment (i), (ii), (iii) avoiding (i) communication (i) in conflict handling (i) core conditions for (i) and intimacy (i) and love (i) as maker or breaker (i) need to be two-way (i) non-verbal, decoding (i) point of no return (i) sex as form of (i) time and (i) see also listening ‘commuter marriages’ (i) companionate love (i) completion of self (i), (ii) compromise (i) conflict (i) communication as crucial in handling (i) gender differences in handling (i) maintenance behaviours (i) master (i), (ii) as no-go area (i) perpetual (i) resolving constructively (i) styles differences (i) ‘twin-in’ (i) confluent love (i) Confucius (i) congruence (i) connection searching for (i) true (i) conscious mind (i) consummate love (i) contempt (i) control, paradox of (i) coping mechanisms (i) couple, becoming part of (i) courage (i) crimes of passion (i) criticism (i) cross-addiction (i) ‘cuddle hormone’ (i) Daly, Helen (i) Daly, Jeff (i) Davis, Keith (i) defensiveness (i) denial (i), (ii) Dicks, Henry (i) diet pills (i) Dillner, Dr Luisa (i) Disraeli, Benjamin (i) distance, keeping your (i) distortion (i) ‘divine accident’ (i), (ii), (iii) divorce (i) adultery as grounds for (i) divorce recovery groups (i) doom, predictors of (i) ‘doormat’ (i) dopamine (i) ‘dump first’ scenario (i) Dyer, Dr Wayne (i) effort, putting in (i) ego boundaries, collapse of (i), (ii) ‘elastic band syndrome’ (i) emotional-physical split (i) emotions, giving vent to (i) empathy (i) empty love (i) endorphins (i) eros (i) ‘eye love’ (i) family systems exercise (i) fantasizing (i), (ii) obsessive (i), (ii) fatuous love (i) Faulkner, William (i) fear of intimacy (i), (ii) of loneliness (i) as negative behaviour basis (i) and reluctance to communicate (i), (ii) fear-based relationships (i) female sexuality (i) Fennell, Dr Melanie (i) field of availabilities (i) field of desirables (i) filter model of relationships (i) Fisher, Bruce (i) Fisher, Dr Helen (i), (ii), (iii) ‘fix me’ demand (i) flowing process, life as (i) foundational beliefs (i), (ii) ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’ (i) Freud, Sigmund (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v) friendship (i) passionate (i) Fromm, Erich (i), (ii), (iii) frustration (i) sexual (i) gender myths (i) gentleness (i) Gibran, Kahlil (i) Giddens, Anthony (i) goals, shared (i) Gottman, John (i), (ii) growth, as individuals (i) Hendrix, Harville (i) Henry, Lenny (i) Hepburn, Audrey (i) hidden agendas (i) Homer (i) honeymoon phase, emerging from (i) hopes, on entering relationship (i) humility (i) Hybels, Bill (i) identity, taking on new (i) idolization (i) Imperial College (i) infatuation (i) infidelity (i), (ii) gender differences regarding (i) increased lifespans impact (i) low self-esteem and (i) ‘inner critic’ (i) insecure attachment (i) insecurity (i) Institute of Family Therapy (i) intimacy (i) communication and (i) as component of love (i) in conflict resolution (i) definitions (i) fear of (i), (ii) knowing yourself (i) mastering the art of (i) practical exercise in (i) routes to (i) sex and (i) James, William (i), (ii) jealousy at bonding between mother and baby (i) as characteristic of human behaviour (i) gender and (i) healthy (i) as individual response (i) as self-harm (i) job, changing (i) Johnson, Dr Spencer (i) Jung, Carl (i) Keats, John (i) Keen, Sam (i) Kerckhoff, Alan (i) Kinsey Report (i) ‘knowing without knowing’ (i) knowing yourself (i) Laumann, Dr Edward O (i) learning process, relationships as (i) Lee, Bruce (i) Lerner, Dr Harriet (i), (ii) Levenson, Robert (i) libido (i) life, as flowing process (i) life-changing events, neglectful approach to (i) life events, effects (i) ‘like attracts like’ (i) liking (i) limerence (i) Lipton, Bruce (i) listening active (i) art of (i) developing skills of (i) statistics about (i) ‘living in each other’s pockets’ (i) lodus (i) loneliness fear of (i) ghost of (i) loss, experiences of (i) love (i) addictive (i) at first sight (i), (ii) categories of (i) communication and (i) companionate (i) confluent (i) consummate (i) definitions of (i) descriptions of (i), (ii) empty (i) fatuous (i) ideal of (i) inner progressiveness of (i), (ii) learning the art of (i) needing (i) perfection as barrier to (i) quotations about (i) romantic (i) studies of (i) searching for (i), (ii) shared goals and (i) togetherness element (i) triangular theory of (i) love maps (i) magical thinking (i) maintenance behaviours (i) mania (i) manic depression (i) marriage polygamous (i) Western idea (i) master conflicts (i), (ii) mate-guarding (i), (ii), (iii) Maugham, W Somerset (i), (ii) Mead, Margaret (i) meaning, shared (i) Meltzer, Brad (i) men, primary love needs (i) Meston, Cindy (i) Milne, A A (i) ‘mind reading’, expectation of (i) ‘missing parts’, search for (i) monogamy (i) mother love, early, as template (i) murder (i) mutual undertaking (i) nature (i) needs driving relationships (i) right to have (i) unmet (i) negative voices (i) negativity, spiral of (i) neuropeptides (i) Nolte, Dorothy Law (i) non-verbal communication, decoding (i) nurture (i) nymphomania (i) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) (i), (ii), (iii) obsessive fantasizing (i), (ii) OCD (i), (ii), (iii) Oedipus complex (i) ‘omnipotence’ theory (i) openness to experiences (i) ‘opposites attract’ (i), (ii), (iii) orgasms (i), (ii), (iii) ‘other half’ (i), (ii) ancient roots of myth (i) outlook, overall (i) oxytocin (i) paranoia (i) parents becoming (i) opposite sex, and attraction (i) partner selection areas involved (i) filter model of (i) Pascal, Blaise (i) passion (i) PEA (i) Peck, Scott (i), (ii), (iii) perfection, as barrier to love (i) Perrett, David (i) phenylethylamine (PEA) (i) Plato (i), (ii) Player, Gary (i) point of no return (i) possessiveness (i), (ii) pragma (i) pride (i) primary caregiver (i) projection (i), (ii) Prozac (i) psychological compatibility (i) psychological contact, making (i) psychological ‘drivers’ (i) psychosexual stages (i) psychosynthesis (i) reaction formation (i) reality principle (i) relationship addiction (i) repetition compulsion (i) resentment (i), (ii) reward-based behaviour (i) Rilke, Rainer Maria (i) Rogers, Carl (i), (ii) romantic love (i) studies of (i) Roosevelt, Eleanor (i) Roosevelt, Franklin D (i) Saint-Exupéry, Antoine de (i), (ii) Sartre, Jean-Paul (i) Schmitz, Charles (i) Schmitz, Elizabeth (i) Schwarz, Jeffrey (i) secondary caregiver (i) secure attachment (i), (ii), (iii) self-acceptance, working towards (i) self-deception (i) self-esteem (i) and character (i) fluidity (i) low and fear of intimacy (i) and infidelity (i) model of (i) roots of (i) therapy for (i) vicious circle of (i) maintaining (i), (ii) self-fulfilling prophecies (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v) self-harm, jealousy as (i) separateness (i) serotonin (i) sex (i) casual (i), (ii) as form of communication (i) gender differences in approaches to (i) and intimacy (i) mental factor in (i) as not crucial factor (i) as pressure (i) talking about (i) unrealistic expectations (i) ‘sex life’ (i) sexuality female (i) variations in (i) Shakespeare, William (i) shared meaning system (i) Shaw, George Bernard (i) Skynner, Robin (i), (ii), (iii) ‘smother mother’ type (i) soul mate (i), (ii) stagnation (i), (ii) Sternberg, Robert (i) ‘stiff upper lip’ (i) Stone, Sharon (i) stonewalling (i) storge (i) suppression of feelings (i), (ii) Tavistock Clinic (i) Tennov, Dorothy (i) Thurber, James (i) Tillich, Paul (i) time and communication (i) effect of (i) togetherness (i) Tolstoy, Leo (i) transcendence (i) transference (i), (ii), (iii) transparency, mutual (i) triangular theory of love (i) Twain, Mark, (i) ‘twin-in-conflict’ (i) unconditional positive regard (UPR) (i), (ii) unconscious mind, power of (i) ‘Velcro phase’ (i) vicarious living (i), (ii) virginity (i) vulnerability (i), (ii) ‘wallflowers’ (i) Walpole, Sir Hugh (i), (ii), (iii) Walsch, Neale Donald (i) Warnes, Jennifer (i) Wilde, Oscar (i) Willow Creek Association (i) Winfrey, Oprah (i) Winkler, Henry (i) Winnicott, Donald (i), (ii) withholding (i) women, primary love needs (i) Zeus (i) ... need for a relationship at all times was his attempt to fill the black hole that had been left by his parents’ total lack of care Everyday addictions It is arguable that we are all addicts to some... widespread idea that harmony and mutual fulfilment happen automatically as a result of meeting the ‘right’ person, an important factor is missed, or dismissed Meaningful, lasting relationships are... Hepburn was merely highlighting the fact that mutual affection was an important, nonnegotiable element of a relationship for her, then that was simply being human as well as practical When we examine