Love the psychology of attraction by DK

LOVE the PSYCHOLOGY of ATTRACTION LOVE the PSYCHOLOGY of ATTRACTION LESLIE BECKER-PHELPS Ph.D WITH MEGAN KAYE Writer Megan Kaye Illustrator Keith Hagan Senior Editor Camilla Hallinan Senior Art Editor Karen Constanti Design and Illustration Assistant Laura Buscemi Senior Jacket Creative Nicola Powling Producer, Pre-Production Dragana Puvacic Senior Producer Jen Scothern Creative Technical Support Sonia Charbonnier Managing Editor Dawn Henderson Managing Art Editor Christine Keilty Art Directors Peter Luff, Maxine Pedliham Publisher Peggy Vance First American edition, 2016 Published in the United States by DK Publishing 345 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014 Consultant psychologist: Leslie Becker-Phelps Ph.D Dr Becker-Phelps is a clinical psychologist, author, and speaker She is a regular contributor to the Relationships blog for WebMD, as well as the Making Changes blog for Psychology Today, and is the author of Insecure in Love (2014) She lives in New Jersey, USA, where she is on the medical staff of the Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital—Somerset She also runs a private practice dedicated to helping individuals and couples feel better about themselves in all aspects of their lives Copyright © 2016 Dorling Kindersley Limited A Penguin Random House Company 16 17 18 19 20 10 001– 259434 – January/2016 All rights reserved Without limiting the rights under the copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the copyright owner Published in Great Britain by Dorling Kindersley Limited A catalog record for this book is available from the Library of Congress ISBN 978 4654 2989 DK books are available at special discounts when purchased in bulk for sales promotions, premiums, fund-raising, or educational use For details, contact: DK Publishing Special Markets, 345 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014 SpecialSales@dk.com Printed and bound in China All images © Dorling Kindersley Limited For further information see: www.dkimages.com A WORLD OF IDEAS: SEE ALL THERE IS TO KNOW ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Leslie Becker-Phelps: This book was truly a collaborative project I’m greatly appreciative of everyone’s efforts: the theorists and researchers whose work we are sharing; the many colleagues in the New Jersey Psychological Association who were always ready to share their expertise along the way; Kathy Cortese, Eileen Kennedy Moore, and Shari Kuchenbecker for their friendship and collegial support; Megan Kaye and Camilla Hallinan for their editorial expertise; and finally my husband, Mark, for his support in this and in everything that I The publisher would like to thank: Philip R Shaver Ph.D., Distinguished Professor of Psychology at UC Davis, for his kind permission to include the “Love Quiz”, devised wth Cindy Hazan and first published in the Rocky Mountain News in 1987; Rita Carter, Anna Davidson, Dr Sue Johnson, and Bob Saxton for their insightful comments during the creation of this book; Jennifer Latham for proofreading; Helen Peters for the index; Mandy Earey and Anne Fisher for design; and US editor Kate Johnsen CONTENTS 30 Giving up your independence? How to balance autonomy and connection YOU 32 Your own worst enemy? How mental habits hinder or help 12 Evolution calling Why we fall in love 34 You deserve the best Healthy positive thinking Secure, anxious, or avoidant What’s your style? 36 Extrovert or introvert? Where you draw energy from 38 A little help from your friends Platonic lessons in love FOREWORD CHAPTER ARE YOU READY FOR LOVE? 16 20 Clashing expectations  When insecure types get together 40 22 Great expectations Mental images of ourselves and other people 24 Thinking straight How not to talk yourself down 26 Let’s fall in love How susceptible are you? 27 Why I never learn? The secrect of repeating patterns Be honest with me Getting help from your loved ones CHAPTER THE SEARCH FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON FOR YOU 60 On the lookout Getting out there 62 Hey world, I’m available! Sending out the right signals 42 I always go for… You and your type 66 We met on the bus The chance encounter 48 The scent of chemistry How smell works on our feelings 68 I like you, but Is friendship all that’s available? 50 Smile please The bond of humor 70 Across a crowded office The pros and cons of dating at work 52 Wishing on a star When you need to listen to yourself 72 Would like to meet Navigating the personal ads 74 The five-minute mile Speed dating 54 Give yourself a break Coping with the lonely times 76 78 Dating on the Internet The strange world of infinite choice Signing up online Creating a profile 106 Everyone loves a good listener The art of active communication Just a click away Starting a conversation 110 Talking the talk Getting a good conversation going 86 From profile to person Turning a chat into a date 88 Keeping it safe Meeting up in comfort 90 Hiding in plain sight Meeting through friends 116 I’m so embarrassed Hey, have you met…? When friends play matchmaker 118 Five acid tests 112 You don’t have to say 92 anything Body language tips How to keep your cool How to assess your new date 122 Emotional intelligence 94 Next time lucky? Dating after divorce Who they are and why they it DATING 98 128 Counting the years Picking a winner The first date 136 Saying it with flowers Gift giving and what it means CHAPTER ESTABLISHING THE RELATIONSHIP FROM ATTRACTION TO COMMITMENT 140 Fast track, slow track 126 Someone like you? MAKING IT WORK How to broach delicate subjects What it is and why it matters 124 Spotting a serial dater CHAPTER When there’s more than one person on the horizon 134 Secrets and confessions 108 Shrinking violets Coping with shyness 82 132 Juggling prospects When qualities in common help, and when they don’t Getting the pace right for you 142 Know your boundaries How to keep your limits healthy 144 Nipping it in the bud How to stop a small problem turning into a big one Do age gaps really matter? 146 Off to bed—or not 100 Looking the part How to put your best face forward 130 Worth a second date? Who should you see again? Passing that major threshold 148 Driving you crazy 102 It’s going to be fine Confidence-building exercises The power of the unreliable 150 Reluctant fire The power of excitement 104 Stress-free first dates Where’s the best place to start? 152 Is this love or lust? Listening to your hormones CHAPTER TOGETHER ON THE ROAD TO LASTING LOVE 184 Are we going to last? What your conversations predict 156 Spotting real danger Warning signs of an abuser 186 Staying connected 208 Trying for a baby Keeping it fun when things get serious 210 Baby on the way Staying sexual during pregnancy 212 A united front How to share parenting without going crazy Little exercises in happiness 214 Parents’ date night 158 If the F word is “family” The delicate issue of children 160 A ready-made family 188 The power of vulnerability Taking a risk on true understanding Dating with children Having some fun in the few spare moments 216 See you at sex o’clock Making time for sex 192 You bring out the 162 Overlapping your circles Meeting each other’s friends 164 But I miss you so How much time together is right? best in me The Michelangelo effect two wholes? How to avoid getting stuck in stereotypes 196 The worst ideas of all What you really must avoid 170 The L word Talking about love 172 Here’s your key 198 Arguing like grown-ups How to communicate, not manipulate Moving in together 200 A good clean fight 174 I’ll call you every night Managing a long distance relationship 176 Semi-happy endings How to argue and move on 202 Stop hogging the covers! Sharing a bed Finishing things cleanly 204 Career pressures 178 Do you or don’t you? Time to talk about marriage 180 Popping the question The art of the proposal Burning long and burning bright 194 Two halves, or 166 So are we a couple now? The transition to commitment 218 Keeping the spark Maintaining equality in a confusing world 206 The child-free life Choosing not to have children 220 INDEX FOREWORD E veryone yearns for that magical feeling of being in love But falling for someone is just the start: what we need most is an emotionally nourishing, caring relationship That’s what we dream of, deep down—not just a partner, but a soul mate Sometimes, if we’ve been single for a long time, we can start to wonder whether we should just give up—we may even feel embarrassed for wanting romance as much as we If you’ve ever felt that way, I want you to know that by yearning for a relationship, you’re simply feeling the way that nature intended The science suggests that we’re born to be social creatures, deeply connected to those around us As children, we bond passionately with our parents or caregivers; as adults, that need matures and transforms We become filled with the desire for romantic love Love may not always be easy to find, but it is literally the most natural thing in the world to want More than twenty years as a therapist have confirmed for me a simple insight: that when we can give and receive love whole-heartedly, we are at our strongest The psychological community as a whole is finding more and more empirical evidence—from decades of indepth studies to the latest brain imaging techniques—that we are biologically predisposed to yearn for that connection The more that researchers discover, the more we learn about how two people become attracted and how we can seek, find, and keep that love in ways that help both us and our beloveds to thrive In my work as a psychologist, I help people to understand how their life experiences, from early childhood up to the present day, can shape their expectations, their subconscious habits, and their relationships with others—and how, if those patterns are leading them away from the happiness they deserve, they can change them for the better Love: the Psychology of Attraction will help you make a similar journey Every page is created to be as accessible as possible, with step-by-step advice, simple exercises, and scientific features revealing key studies and experiments Rather than having to wade through dense psychology papers, you can read the findings of my colleagues in a style that’s easy on the eyes and the brain: the science is both fascinating and encouraging for anyone who is searching for love 210 CHAPTER 5: TOGETHER BABY ON THE WAY STAYING SEXUAL DURING PREGNANCY Will we hurt the baby? It’s generally agreed that, in most pregnancies, sex is perfectly safe The uterus is a tough muscle—a little lovemaking is not going to disturb it— and the baby is safely cushioned inside the amniotic fluid For the sake of caution, though, you might have a chat with the doctor to set your mind at ease, especially if you have any medical conditions that could cause complications Don’t be embarrassed: a good doctor should support your right to enjoy yourselves whip up our moods, and both of you may sometimes struggle to keep up It’s good to be mutually considerate in any situation, but the woman may be feeling extra vulnerable and deserves some extra patience On the male side, it’s worth noting that semen contains small quantities of prostaglandin—the same hormone that doctors use in medications and gels to induce overdue labor This may sound alarming —talk to your doctor if you’re not sure—but it’s highly unlikely to have any effect on a cervix that isn’t already ripe It is, though, the reason why couples sometimes have a lot of sex late in pregnancy, in the hopes of getting labor started By that time, the woman will feel pretty enormous and barely mobile: comfortable positions and low expectations are the most important things here Hormonal changes Pregnancy floods the body with estrogen and progesterone, and depending on the individual and the moment, you might feel sick and crampy, or like a lioness who can’t wait to pounce on her partner Your partner may feel a little overwhelmed by these changes: hormones can Beautiful bump? For some women, a burgeoning bump makes them feel sexier than ever, while others feel fat, frumpy, and undesirable This is a time when you’ll need plenty of communication and mutual empathy, especially as men also have differing feelings when it comes to pregnancy—some find it Sexual relationships make for pregnancy—but does pregnancy have to unmake a sexual relationship? Not necessarily Adaptability can get you through those 40-odd weeks without having to resort to celibacy D uring pregnancy, our bodies, minds, and hearts are all in turmoil How you hang on to the connection that led to this pregnancy in the first place— including the physical connection? For some couples, especially those who’ve always been careful about contraception, pregnancy can be tremendously freeing: for once in your lives, you can have sex without worrying about unwanted pregnancy For others, though, it can be a time of sex-inhibiting anxiety—not the least, anxiety about the baby This is a time when you’ll need plenty of communication and mutual empathy BABY ON THE WAY gorgeously feminine, some feel it’s nature’s “no entry” sign, and some feel it’s somehow impolite to get into the baby’s space If it’s putting the man off his game, don’t forget there are many ways of pleasing each other that don’t involve penetrative sex After all, if variety is the spice of life, you might as well seize the chance Physical changes Breasts tend to swell and become more tender, and sometimes leak milk as the baby approaches full term (which some men find alarming and some irresistible); there’s an increased flow of blood to the whole genital area, which again can increase sensitivity; some positions can be untenable, since the upwardpressing womb causes heartburn; the pelvic ligaments can loosen in the last weeks, making walking painful In short, the pregnant body is unpredictable and can surprise its owner in all sorts of ways, some of which are great for sex and some of which are challenging Sex is physically intimate, but physical intimacy goes beyond sex An open mind and imagination are your best friends while facing the next nine months There may be times when your partner needs to take some cold showers or confine his activity to self-stimulation, but that needn't exclude the woman’s company Sex is physically intimate, but physical intimacy goes beyond sex, so try to have as much of the nonsexual kind as you can RELAXED OR PANICKED? BABY BRAIN? Numerous studies confirm that some women experience baby brain, or short-term memory loss during pregnancy: for some pregnant women, it can sometimes be surprisingly hard to recall what has just happened Psychologist Laura Glynn of Chapman University suggests that this helps a mother to focus on the needs of her unborn child Whatever the reason, a partner needs to strike a delicate balance between respecting the mom’s intelligence and accepting her forgetfulness Help! What have we done? Even couples who have planned a pregnancy can feel panicky once it goes from a plan to a reality That’s actually a good sign, showing you’re responsible parents taking it seriously —but if the panic temporarily sidetracks you, try other forms of intimacy so that you don’t miss out Above all, communicate If this is your first pregnancy, you may both feel lost How it will affect both of you physically and emotionally is impossible to predict Don’t rely on guesswork: you’re in new territory now, so make a point of asking each other how you’re feeling When the baby arrives, don’t feel guilty if you feel overwhelmed at having to learn so many new skills on so little sleep—or if your love for your baby feels less like instant adoration, more like slow-growing affection One in 10 mothers suffers postpartum depression, but all partners should be extra aware of a woman’s well-being once the pregnancy is over Keep communicating, and have faith you’ll come through this together 211 The psychological effects of pregnancy vary—to help each other cope, watch for these common experiences: In the first trimester, ■ Anxiety about the baby’s wellbeing: since miscarriage is most common early on, it’s easy to worry ■ Tension can exacerbate morning sickness, which is stressful in itself ■ Emotional highs/lows: a woman’s hormones play a part, but so does her disposition and support system ■ Fatigue and low energy: a partner will need to let the woman be the judge of how much rest she needs In the second trimester, ■ The feeling of physical well-being increases, which helps her mood Women who were worried about miscarriage may also start to relax as the baby’s chances improve ■ As blood flow to the pelvic region increases, a woman may feel more tingly and erotic ■ Some women feel socially excluded, fat, unattractive, vulnerable—and more in need of a protective partner ■ Bonding with the baby becomes easier as it starts to move noticably In the third trimester, ■ With labor drawing near, anxiety is only natural Late-term pregnancy can be especially uncomfortable ■ Work stress can increase as you try to get ready for maternity leave Partners, especially men, can feel confused, out of sorts, and—in their role as protector—unable to talk freely A good support network can be crucial 212 CHAPTER 5: TOGETHER A UNITED FRONT HOW TO SHARE PARENTING WITHOUT GOING CRAZY I t’s Friday night: it’s been a long week, you’re exhausted, your children come home from school yelling and misbehaving … and if your partner undermines your discipline, you know there will be a meltdown How to avoid the drama? STAY ATTACHED Your attachment style may come into play when you parent: anxious people are afraid of abandonment and can overreact to misbehavior or be overly protective, while avoidant people are uncomfortable with extreme emotion and can be unsympathetic or dismissive when the kids need patience We know adults use their romantic partners as a safe haven (see pages 30–31): when your children trigger your stress systems, remember your attachment style and ask your partner to help you get things settled Parenting is often difficult, so it’s okay to need extra help: guidance from other parents can be helpful, and supportive couples can care for each other while caring for their children THINK AHEAD Few things put a relationship between parents under more strain than a clash of values over how to handle your children How can you keep yourselves harmonious when the kids act up? Research published in the Journal of Family Psychology in 2009 found that the couples least likely to fall out of love post-baby were those who were happiest beforehand— but also those whose children were planned, not accidental Contraception can be a nuisance in the short term, but in the long term the odds favor couples who have conceived by design A UNITED FRONT SORT OUT YOUR ISSUES No one raises children without a few bumps, and children can be surprisingly effective at bringing up painful memories—through no fault of their own, of course You may find it helpful to sort out your parenting needs (yes, parents have needs, too) into two categories: things that bother you because they go against what you consider reasonable rules for any child to follow, and things that bother you because of personal associations Suppose, for instance, you had a bullying brother who used to beat you up when you were kids: your issues when you see your own children play fighting may look something like the diagram below Both circles are important: families have to live with each other, after all Sit down with your partner and work out what your “always unacceptable” and “personal issues” are, so that when you’re under stress you can help each other stay fair This is a time when a good partner can help you to be your best self RULES VERSUS NEEDS When your rules and your personal issues overlap, it can be easy to lose it with your children This is when it’s most valuable to have your partner’s guidance on how much discipline is enough OPENING OLD WOUNDS GET IT STRAIGHT The moment your children are climbing the walls is not the moment to make important decisions about discipline: what you need to is communicate in advance Try making two different lists House rules What’s acceptable and what’s not (For instance: no violence, use a nice voice, respect one another’s things ) Keep it simple—too many complex rules confuse children And remember, once you’ve made the rules, you’ll have to stick to them yourselves If you find your partner undermines your decisions, revisit the rules when your children are not around Consequences Improvising in the heat of the moment is a bad idea Agree what you consider to be a fair penalty and what kinds of behavior should warrant it Children need consistency, but this will also give you more sense of control: one reason why parents overreact to bad behavior and take it out on each other is that it’s disempowering to feel unable to cope with a crisis Once you and your partner have shared rules that reflect both your values, you’ve built support for each other into the life of the household Things that are always unacceptable: Physical battles can get out of hand and end in hurting each other or breaking something My kids' play fighting makes me nervous 213 If you've had a rough childhood yourself, it can be difficult to be the parent you want to be: even if you vowed you’d never take it out on your children, in the moment they’re driving you crazy, you can regress to old bad habits The good news is that, according to a 2013 study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health, positive communication and warmth from your partner can be very effective at helping you break the cycle If you know you didn’t see the ideal model in your parents, your partner is your best ally Agree on a signal for your partner to tell you, “You’re losing it, step back and let me handle this,” and look to them to be your coach when things get difficult On the other hand, if you feel confident about your parenting but your partner has issues, it’s most effective to emphasize that you respect them for their efforts even when they make mistakes Breaking abusive cycles is hard and heroic work, and it’s best to it as a heroic couple who is fighting the same demon together Things that are my own personal issues: The sight of children wrestling brings up horrible memories from my own childhood 214 CHAPTER 5: TOGETHER PARENTS’ DATE NIGHT HAVING SOME FUN IN THE FEW SPARE MOMENTS E ven the best parents in the world need some time alone just as a couple, but it can be hard to switch from parents to dating couple in the short amount of time available What’s the solution? Help yourselves along Remember those early days of your romance when you stayed up all night talking? Talking to each other is very nice even if you have heard all of each other’s stories by now These days, you may have to be a little more organized—a skill you’ve been cultivating ever since you became parents You'll have to arrange babysitters in advance, for example, or you won’t be able to go out While you’re planning the date in advance, you can plan some topics of conversation as well Never mind spontaneity: while the children are still young, any kind of romantic connection is an accomplishment Whatever your interests, think about something you’d find fun to discuss with your partner and then save the discussion for date night If the conversation takes off from there, wonderful, but if that’s all you’ve got to talk about for a while, at least you’ve definitely got a topic Don’t go overboard To quote French playwright and philosopher Voltaire, “The perfect is If you know the joy of parenthood, you’ll know the scarcity of a night alone together After all the effort and fatigue, how you actually manage to enjoy yourselves once you get a night out? Making someone a cup of tea is very important to people Those little gestures can be as important as profound conversation Lynn Jamieson Sociology professor, Univerity of Edinburgh PARENTS’ DATE NIGHT WHAT ARE YOUR GOALS? Your date night is so precious, it’s understandable if you have high expectations of making it truly meaningful It’s usually best, though, to keep your goals concrete rather than abstract Research conducted at Harvard Business School and published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology found that setting out to make someone smile more, for example, led to greater satisfaction than something big and vague such as “Make someone happy.” The simpler the goal, the more likely the outcome will match your expectations and the more rewarding that will feel the enemy of the good.” You may well feel that two weeks on a tropical beach would just about it in terms of rest and reconnection—but you may have to settle for less Children strain resources—time, money, and energy, to name but a few If you pressure yourselves into stretching those resources even further on bigticket treats, you’ll probably be too worried to feel romantic If money’s tight, you don’t even have to go to a fancy restaurant: pick a local bar or coffee shop and enjoy a single drink, or pack sandwiches for a walk in the park If you can’t manage a babysitter, stay in and turn the TV firmly off: try a board game that encourages easy conversation, or a game that involves imaginative fooling around, like charades Getting any time to yourselves when there are small people about can be difficult, but don’t shortchange yourselves: you have to work together as CAN’T KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN? Parents with young children can be particularly exhausted Here are some tips for having a good date despite the fatigue: ✔ Schedule a daytime date Find a babysitter who’s willing to take the kids on a weekend lunchtime or afternoon and then go out and enjoy yourselves for a couple of hours before you’re completely worn out ✔ Camp out in your bedroom Remember those sleepovers or campfires of your youth, where you told ghost stories and dirty jokes? They were fun, weren’t they? As long as there’s no child in your bed, you can always take your date there and try to scare and/or titillate each other ✔ Get in the water There’s nothing like a nice long soak to ease a battered body If your local fitness center has a hydrotherapy or spa pool, book a session there for the two of you If not, just go to your local pool when there’s a free swim and chill out in the shallow end, letting your limbs float and having a soothing conversation a family, and the work is a lot more rewarding when you feel like a connected couple rather than a business partnership The day will come when you have more time again, but until then, plan your own fun with the same care you’d plan time with your kids: if anyone deserves it, you 215 STUCK FOR A BABYSITTER? If you have friends from prenatal class, or your children have friends from playgroup, daycare, or school, these fellow parents are your new best buddies Approach them and propose to exchange play dates at each other's houses If the children settle in, then you can take turns to supervise play dates and go out In effect you’re paying the sitter in kind rather than with money Added to that, your children will be all the better entertained by having their friends around when it’s your turn to have a play date (Assuming their friends aren’t awful—check before you commit!) You win either way, and you get to go on date nights HIT THE OPEN ROAD If there’s really nowhere nice nearby, you’ve got to get back in an hour, and you have a car, then go for a quiet drive You may not be able to go for a massive road trip, but think of the advantages: it’s private, there’s just the two of you, you get to pick the music, and you have a roof over your heads Pack some snacks if you like, and just talk while you toodle along 216 CHAPTER 5: TOGETHER SEE YOU AT SEX O’CLOCK MAKING TIME FOR SEX W hen children are young, parents know from experience that if anything’s going to happen, it pretty much has to be planned in advance If everything else is scheduled, then, why not sex? It may sound odd to put sex on the to-do list as if it’s a chore, but the important fact is this: just because you know it’s planned in advance doesn’t mean the sex itself is going to be boring It’s easy to assume that we have sex because we want to, but actually it can go the other way as well: motivation can follow action This isn’t just true of sex: consider, for instance, how often you find yourself cleaning up the whole living room because you spotted a stray toy, started picking things up, and then decided you might as well finish it If you and your partner start kissing and cuddling, there’s a good chance you’ll start to get excited even if you weren’t to begin with Of course, this is no justification for forcing the issue against your partner’s will: mutual consent is the only foundation for a healthy relationship But given an atmosphere of trust, trying to get into it even if you don’t expect much can be surprisingly effective Putting the horse before the cart To cite marriage counselor Michele Weiner-Davis, “I wish I had a dollar When family responsibilities take up so much of your time and energy, spontaneous sex may appear to be a thing of the past, but that doesn’t have to mean your sex life has to come to an end Motivation does not come first, action does! You have to prime the pump David D Burns, M.D Professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences, and author of Feeling Good SEE YOU AT SEX O’CLOCK 217 THE COMPLEX CYCLE OF FEMALE DESIRE According to Rosemary Basson, clinical professor of psychiatry and director of sexual medicine at the University of British Columbia, women’s experience of desire and sexuality Physical isn’t necessarily a straightforward well-being progression from desire to orgasm Instead, the cycle can begin at a number of different points— especially if you're a woman in a long-term relationship—and only some of them begin with physical More arousal lust If you’re not (with or without sure you feel up orgasm) to sex just now, think about where on the cycle you might like to begin and see if that makes sex look more approachable You have more options than you might expect NEUTRALITY (no strong feelings about sex, either for or against) (such as a desire for closeness, awareness of a partner's needs) Emotional closeness (increased commitment, affection, tolerance) Now motivated for sexual reasons also for each time someone in my practice said … ‘I wasn’t in the mood … but once we got into it, I had a really good time!’” Sometimes we just have to get started before we feel like starting Weiner-Davis bases this advice on the work of Rosemary Basson at the University of British Columbia Sexual desire is generally categorized as four stages—desire, arousal, orgasm, and resolution—but Basson argues that arousal and desire are often reversed (see above), and that for women in particular, sexual desire is often responsive rather than Nonsexual needs spontaneous: being approached by a partner or starting to sexual things creates arousal, which in turn creates the desire for sex Sexuality and physical affection are a crucial part of how we communicate our romantic feelings toward each other Certainly there are phases of life where we’re exhausted, busy, and not really in the mood—but if you try being a little more strategic than usual, your body might just decide it’s capable of more than you think A little sensuous time out together might be just what you need Choosing to have some physical intimacy Some sexual arousal Committed sex is premeditated sex It’s willful, it’s intentional: it’s focus and presence Esther Perel Psychotherapist and author of Mating In Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence 218 CHAPTER 5: TOGETHER KEEPING THE SPARK BURNING LONG AND BURNING BRIGHT T here can come a day when you and your partner run out of things to You’re retired or your careers are stable; your children, if you have any, are now old enough to take care of themselves What now? How you stay excited about each other now that everything’s calmed down? Staying in love Couples can stay in love for decades, even if they are completely used to each other A study led by Bianca Acevedo and Arthur Aron of Stony Brook University, for instance, examined couples who had been married for an average of 21 years and claimed to still be madly in love When they were placed in an fMRI scanner, being shown pictures of their beloved did indeed light up the same dopamine-rich regions of their brain associated with the early stages of a romance But they were also less obsessive than new couples, and the regions of their brains associated with liking and attachment lit up, too—neurologically speaking, they had the best of all worlds They could think straight but were deeply in love and genuinely fond of their partners all at once Long-burning romances empirically happen GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH If we’re lucky enough to find lifelong love, how we stay out of a rut and keep the relationship romantic? Romantic love and emotional closeness don't have to become routine even if they are familiar Marriage, if it lasts, turns out to be good for you In 2009, an international study led by clinical psychologist Kate Scott across 15 countries and 34,493 people reported that married people were at reduced risk of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse A supportive partner might literally lengthen your life KEEPING THE SPARK 219 HOW DO YOU DO IT? When Stony Brook psychologist Daniel O’Leary and colleagues studied long-term couples still passionately in love, they found: They had positive thoughts about each other They dwelled on each other's good points They thought about each other when they were apart They didn’t mentally multitask When they thought about each other, the image of their beloved held their full attention They had fun sharing new and challenging activities, whether physical or mental O’Leary found this was particularly helpful for men: sharing a new experience refreshes your feelings for the person you share it with PEACE AND LOVE A major difference between new and established romance shows up in the opioid- and serotonin-rich regions of the brain In new couples, not much is happening there, but in long-established ones, fMRI scans show that the presence of a partner makes the regions very active Since those regions are associated with regulating anxiety and pain, long-standing romances bring a feeling of tranquility: the brain is on a nice, mild high, which makes you feel calm and contented They spent time together Even puttering around doing chores together was bonding They were physically affectionate Hugs, pats, and kisses on the cheek kept the spark They were physically attracted to each other The couples said they felt warm and tingly when their partners touched them They kept a sexual spark It's a two-way street—we’re more likely to have sex with someone we love— but showing affection and enjoying physical contact helps the spark They wanted to know where the other one was at all times They didn’t tip over into stalking, but they did want to know what was going on with each other, especially the men 10 They thought about each other a lot The women, in particular, could be a bit obsessive about their partners 11 They were enthusiastic people Getting fired up about life helped them get fired up about each other, particularly the men 12 They were happy people— both happily in love and happy about life in general For women in particular, a general sense of well-being helped the romance In short, staying curious, passionate, cheerful, and kind can be the best recipe for a happy long-term relationship—and, in turn, a happy relationship can help us to stay cheerful and kind Looking ahead If you’re single, does it help to read about long-term goals? Well, yes: if you want a relationship that will last, then scoping out the options with the knowledge that you need someone who will be right for you through all the changes life brings can help you to identify the good ones And if you’ve already picked out someone who looks like a good prospect, it still helps to look ahead Love isn’t the answer to everything, and those who expect it to be tend to have the least fulfilling love lives What love can be, if you’re lucky and you work at it, is a solid base from which you can tackle everything positively, creatively, and confidently At its best, a romantic relationship isn’t something that turns you into a new, better person: it’s something that, as the years go on, supports you as you continue to grow into a psychologically healthier, happier, and more authentic version of the person you always were—as does love of any kind, whether you are in love or not As you search for, consider, date, and fall in and out of love with potential partners, stay true to your best self and keep your eyes open for the person who will make it not harder but easier to be that person 220 INDEX INDEX Page numbers in bold refer to main entries A abuse 137, 142 childhood 22–3, 156, 159 cycle of 157 warning signs 156–7 Acevedo, Bianca 218 Ackerman, Joshua 170 acronyms, personal ads 73 activated attachment system 148 active listening 106, 107 admissions, of faults/wrongs 145 adoption 209 adrenalin 130, 151, 154 affect regulation 30 affective shyness 108, 109 affiliative cues 107 age gaps 128–9 and Internet dating 76 Ainsworth, Mary 16, 17 alarms, silent 89, 93 alcohol 67 Alcott, Louisa May 68 algorithms 78 Altman, Irwin 175 altruism 35 Ambady, Nalini 45 ambiverts 36 amygdala 45, 102, 155 Anderson, David 95 anger 43, 151, 200 Anik, Lalin 92 anonymity, dissociative 83 anxiety, and CBT 24–5 anxious attachment style 16–21, 23, 26, 31,39, 66, 118, 124, 125, 130, 140, 147, 148–9, 163, 212 anxious-avoidant (“fearful avoidant”) attachment style 18, 23 anxious-avoidant vicious circle 148–9 aphrodisiacs 48 apologies 145 appearance looking your best 40, 100–1 speed dating 75 thin slicing 45 Arditti, Joyce 94 arguments 196–205 Ariely, Dan 137 Arndt, Jamie 55 Aron, Arthur 151, 218 arousal 150–1, 217 astrology 52–3 asynchronicity 83 attachment challenge of insecure styles 20–1, 125, 148–9 early 17, 22 seeking 38 and sexual intimacy 146–7 styles of 16–21 to friends 38 transfer of 13 attachment theory 16–17, 22–3 attention phase 113 attitudes, and compatibility 126–7 attraction faking 130 to specific types 42–5 attractive, feeling 63 authority in families 161, 212–13 minimizing 83 autonomy 30 avoidant attachment style 16–21, 23, 26, 27, 31, 39, 66–7, 118, 124–5, 140–1, 147, 148–9, 163, 164, 212 avoidants in love 171 B babies nurturing 12–13, 30 sense of smell 49 see also children; pregnancy babyface look 42, 43, 44 babysitters 214, 215 Barnum, P.T 52 Barrett, Seishin 45 Bartholomew, Kim 22 Basson, Rosemary 217 beauty 43, 44 beds, sharing 202–3 behavioral confirmation 192 behavioral shyness 108, 109 Berne, Eric 198, 199 Berscheid, Ellen 150 biological clock 206 Birdwhistell, Ray 107 Black, Jan 143 blind dates 92, 93 blood sugar levels 144 Bloom, Linda and Charlie 168 blushing 117 body language 40, 41, 62, 67, 103, 107 tips 112–15 body odor 49 Bohannan, Laura 136 bombykol 48 boundaries 142–3, 157, 171 Bowlby, John 12, 16, 17 brain and chemistry of attraction 154–5 and judging personality from faces 45 and meditation 187 in pregnancy 211 and romance 218, 219 size of human 13 breakups breaking the news 133 and children 158–9 clean 176–7 and long distance relationships 174 reaction to 19, 27, 38, 71 self-confidence after 94 breathing, mindful 56, 187 Briggs, Katherine Cook 37 Brown, Brené 188, 190 Buddhism 54 Burns, David D 216 Busch, Britta 195 C Cameron, Julia 56 Carducci, Bernardo 108 career pressures 204–5 Carter, Steven 167 cause and effect, positive 35 CBT see Cognitive Behavioural Therapy chance encounters 66–7 Charest, Rose-Marie 171 Chaucer, Geoffrey 129 chemistry, of love 48–9, 154–5 Chevalier, Maurice 128 childhood abuse 22–3, 156, 159 and expectations 22–3 and longing for romance 13 and parenting 213 INDEX children choosing not to have 206–7 dating with 160–1 pregnancy 210–11 as relationship issue 158–9 stepchildren 160–1 talking about existing 134 and time for each other 214–15 trying for a baby 208–9 Ciaccio, Vincent 206–7 clothes 40, 100, 101 Coan, James 149 coffee, meeting for 105 Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) 23, 24 cognitive complexity 126 cognitive distortions 24, 25 cognitive shyness 108, 109 cohabitation 172–3 Coleman, Marilyn 161 colleagues, dating 70–1 colors, and dating 101 comfort zones 60–1, 141 commitment 27 living together 172–3 and marriage 178 pace of 140–1 phobia 141, 157 rule of 167 and sex 146 signs of 141 transition to 166–7 communication about boundaries 142–3 about problems 144 active 106–7 in arguments 198–9 effective 29 companionship 27 compatibility assessing 84 of personality 126–7 conception 209 confessions 134–5, 141 confidence-building exercises 102–3 confirmation bias 98, 99 conflict 196–205 and career pressures 204–5 resolution of 200–1 roles in 198–9 and sleep 202–3 styles of 197 Confucius 119 connection and being seen 190 seeking 38–9 conscientiousness 126 consummate love 27 contempt 196 contraception 89, 212 control, and abuse 56 conversations conversation phase 113 nothing to say 187 skills of good 110–11 starting 67 coping skills 195 Corneille, Pierre 136 couples child-free 206–7 and children 206–17 collaborative or competitive 200–1 conflict 196–201 routines and roles 194–5 shaping each other 192–3 staying connected 186–7, 218–19 staying together 184–5 couples therapy 176 Crapuchettes, Bruce 28–9 criticism 196 crushes, unrequited 68 cuddle hormone see oxytocin cuddles 145, 146 Cuddy, Amy 64–5 D Daniluk, Judith C 209 Darwin, Charles 12 dating after divorce 94–5 assessing your new date 118–19 with children 160–1 the first date 98–105, 111, 130 multi-dating 132–3 parents’ date night 214–15 second date 99, 130–1 stress-free first date 104–5 see also blind dates, Internet dating, work Davis, Paul F 166 de Becker, Gavin 157 deactivating strategies 18, 27, 119, 148 DeBruine, Lisa 44 decision making 37 declarations, to friends 68–9 defensiveness 196 DeLyser, Gail 206 desire 151, 154, 217 sexual 217 Deyo, Rabbi Yaacov and Sue 74 Diamond, Lisa 203 discipline, for children 213 disgust 43 dislikes, talking about 119 divorce and children 158 and cohabitation 172 and conflict 196 dating after 94–5 and response types 184–5 dominance 127 door etiquette 105 dopamine 148, 149, 154, 155, 219 drama triangle 151 Duchenne, Guillaume 115 dynamic attractiveness 45 E earnings, disparity in 204–5 Eastwick, Paul 87 Ekman, Paul 43, 113 embarrassment 116–17, 135 emotional intelligence 120, 122–3 emotions accepting painful 55 child’s baseline emotional state 17 emotional availability 23 reading 42, 43 empathy 29, 106, 107, 189 empty love 27 endorphins 103, 155 energy, styles of 36–7 engagements 180–1 equality 204–5 evolution 12, 13, 14 ex partners and children 160 continued feelings for 27, 95 friendship with 163 excitement 130–1, 149, 150–1 exclusivity 132–3, 166 exercise, and handling stress 103 expectations adjusting 41 challenging your 32 of Internet dating 76–7 of life 16, 17 of love 131 proposals 180 reasonable 98 romantic 22–3 extroversion 126 extroverts 36–7, 86, 163, 165 eyes attraction of 45 eye contact 107, 113, 174 F faces appeal of specific types 42–4 facial expressions 43, 107 microexpressions 113 reading emotions in 43 see also halo effect familiar look 42, 44 family honest feedback from 40–1 meeting each other’s 162–3 ready-made 160–1 support from 38 fantasy 27 fatuous love 27 favors 167 fear 43, 151 Feld, Scott 91 221 222 INDEX fidgeting 114 Finkel, Eli 78, 84, 87, 192 Fisher, Helen 152, 155 Fisman, Raymond 75 flattery 67 fluid intelligence 103 Foote, William E 71 Forer, Bertram R./Forer effect 52–3, 101 fortune-telling 52 Fraser, S.C 167 Fredrickson, Barbara 39 Freedman, J.L 167 freedom, fear of losing 30 friends after divorce 94 honest feedback from 40–1 informing about meetings 89 meeting each other’s 162–3 meeting through 90–3, 132 romantic feelings for 68–9 support from 38–9, 141 Frisch, Michael 61 fusiform gyrus 45 G Gadoua, Susan Pease 95 Ganong, Larry 161 Gardner, Howard 123 gender stereotypes 21 genetic health 43 Gerety, Frances 181 gestures 113 gift giving 136–7, 157 Gilovich, Thomas 117 glasses 101 Glynn, Laura 211 Goldin, Claudia 205 Goldman, Brian 55 Goleman, Daniel 123 Gonzallez, Camille 175 Goodman-Delahunty, Jane 71 Gottman, John 176, 184–5, 187, 196, 197 Gottman, Julie Schwartz 196 gratitude 35 Gray, John 21 Greenberg, Melanie 46 Griskevicius, Vladas 170 H habits, off-putting 40, 41 hair color 45 style 40, 45 Hall, Edward T 115 halo effect 42, 44, 67, 81 hand gestures 115 happiness and children 206 exercises in 186–7 happiness pie 61 predictors of 35 reading emotion of 43 Hartshorne, Geraldine 208 Hatfield, Elaine 150 Hazan, Cindy 17 health genetic 43 and marriage 218 Hendrix, Harville 28 Heyman, James 137 Hicks, Angela 203 Hicks, Joshua A 55 Hoffman, Susan 206 hormones 43, 154–5 in pregnancy 210 and sexual intimacy 146 see also pheromones horoscopes 52–3 Horowitz, Leonard 22 housework 204, 205 Hughes, Susan 73 Hume, David 43 humor arguments and types of 201 sense of 50–1, 117 hypervigilance 18, 20 hypothalamus 155 I Iacoboni, Marco 14 idealization 175 identity accepting 32, 188 after divorce 95 bedrock of 60 fear of losing 30, 171 maintaining own 143 questioning 32 within couples 194–5 see also self-image imagination, dissociative 83 Imago theory 28 immune systems, nonidentical 49 indebtedness 137 independence, fear of losing 30–1 infatuation 27 infertility 209 influence, of friends and family 163 insecurities, addressing old 29 insomnia 202, 203 instincts, trusting 89 intelligence emotional 120, 122 types of 123 interactions, positive/negative 184–5 interdependence 30 interests, shared 126 intergenerational relationships 128–9 Internet dating 76–87, 132 meeting 86–7 picking a site 80–1 safety 81 signing up 78–9 starting a conversation 82–3 interpersonal skills 122, 123 intimacy 27 breakdown of 185 disparagement of 125 emotional 19, 21, 22, 23 pace of 140–1 physical closeness 187, 211 see also sexual intimacy introjection, solipsistic 83 introversion 109 introverts 36–7, 165 invisibility 83 IVF 209 Iyengar, Sheena 74–5 J, K Jamieson, Lynn 214 Jensen, Kaja 104 jokes 50, 51, 201 Jones, Graham 76–7 Jung, Carl 36 Karpman, Stephen/Karpman drama triangle 198–9 keeping in touch 175 Kernis, Michael 55 kindness 186 King, Laura A 55 Kirschner, Diana 95 Kross, Ethan 148 Kuchenbecker, Shari 189 L labeling 150–1 laughter 50, 57, 117, 201 Lee, Ju-yeon 175 legs, twitchy 114 Letherby, Gayle 209 Levant, Ronald 206 Levenson, Robert 184 Li, Norman 170 liars, spotting 113 life child’s expectations of 16, 17 managing 37 liking 27 and one-sided romantic feelings 68 limbal ring 45 Lisak, David 93 listening skills 106–7, 109, 110, 127 living together 172–3 long distance relationships 174–5 love affirmations of 199 chemistry of 154–5 evolution of 13 INDEX falling in love 133, 146, 150 feeling worthy of 188 keeping the spark 218–19 and marriage 13 micromoments of 39 as reward 12 susceptibility to 26–7 talking about 170–1 triangular theory of 27 two-factor theory of 150–1 worthiness of 23 love signals, five stages of 113 lovemaking stage 113 loving-kindness meditation 39, 56, 187 Lowell, Jennifer 205 loyalties, divided 161 lust 154–5 M Ma, Debbie 181 Mackey, Richard A 201 McRaney, David 151 makeup 101 manners 105, 109 Markey, Patrick and Charlotte 127 Marlowe, Christopher 66 marriage and children 206 and cohabitation 173 earliest contracts 13 and friendship 187 and health 218 and Internet dating 77 and love 13 proposals 180–1 talking about 173, 178–9 matchmakers 78 90, 92–3 Mayer, John 123 Meaney, Michael 30 meditation 39, 56, 63, 109, 187 meeting people at work 70–1 chance encounters 66–7 getting out there 60–1 Internet dating 76–87 personal ads 72–3 safety 89 sending out the right signals 62–3 speed dating 74–5 through friends 90–3 Meinecke, Christine 206 men and chance encounters 67 Internet dating 77 opening doors 105 and pregnancy 210–11 speed dating 75 mental illness, talking about 134–5 mental maps 22–3 mentoring 40 Michelangelo effect 192–3 microexpressions 113 Miller, Paul M 93 mindfulness 54–5, 56, 63, 187 mirror, kindness in the 57 mirror neurons 106 mirroring 29 misogyny 71 model of self/other 22–3 monogamous bonds 13 moods mood swings 157, 210 recognizing 43 Mowrer, Orval Hobart 120 Mraz, Jason 195 multiple dating 132–3 multiple intelligences 123 museums and galleries 105 music, on dates 104, 105 musk 49 mutual appreciation 35 Myers, Isabel Briggs 36, 37 Myers-Briggs psychometric tests 36–7 N, O Neff, Kristin 54 negative thoughts 24, 35, 109 neglect, perceived 200–1 nerves, handling 102–3 neuromodulators 13 neuroticism 126 neutral statements 52, 53 Newman, Paul 45 non-verbal communications 112–15 Noonan, Mary Ann 91 norepinephrine 154, 155 nurture 12 obsession 68, 69, 148–9 oestrogen 154, 155, 210 O’Leary, Daniel 219 olfactory bulb 155 open marriages 13 opening comments 67 openness to experience 126 optimism 32, 35 others models of 22–3, 26 thinking of 35 outdoors, first dates 104 ovulation cycles 208, 209 oxytocin 107, 146, 148, 149, 154, 155 P pain, perception of 149 parenthood 12, 13, 16, 30 clashing ideas on 159 and date nights 214–15 sharing 212–13 style of 17 parties 90, 91 223 partners, choice of type 42–3 passion 27 past discussing your 135 unresolved issues from 41 Perel, Esther 217 perfume 48, 49, 101 Perry, Bruce 12 personal ads 72–3, 88 personal comments 119 personal grooming 40, 49, 101 personal space 40, 107, 115 personality associated with appearance 42–5 big five dimensions of 126–7 pheromones 48–9, 101, 155 photographs, online dating 79, 80–1 pictures, embarrassing 135 Pistole, Carole 175 pituitary gland 155 platonic relationships 38–9 positive psychology 34–5, 102 possessiveness 156 posture 40, 103, 112, 113, 114 Prays, Judith 49 pregenual anterior cingulate cortex (PACC) 116 pregnancy and commitment 170 sexual intimacy during 210–11 tricking partner into parenthood 158 trying for a baby 208–9 problems, nipping in the bud 144–5 profiles, online dating 78–9 proposals, marriage 180–1 prospects, juggling dating 132–3 protest behavior 18 pursuit-withdrawal dynamic 68 Q, R qualities 41, 60, 75 in common 126–7 quality time 165 quarrels 144–5, 196–205 Rad, Roya R 34 rape 93 Raybeck, Douglas 72 reassurance 31 and conflict 196, 197 need for 148, 149 reciprocity 137 reconciliation, after abuse 157 rejection pain of 148, 149 silence as 177 relationships abusive 156–7 becoming a couple 166–7 boundaries in 142–3 224 INDEX relationships contd children as an issue in 158–9 clashing expectations 20–1 dealing with problems 144–5 finishing cleanly 176–7 living together 172–3 long distance 174–5 pace of 140–1 repeating patterns 28–9, 41, 130, 140 roles in 167 sustaining 12, 218–9 time together 164–5 under stress 18 see also couples religion 38, 178 repeating patterns 28–9, 41 resilience 35 respect and boundaries 142, 143, 157, 171 and happy marriage 185, 187 response looking for 113 types of 184–5 restaurants, choice of 104 restraining orders 89 Riggio, Ronald E 45 rings, wedding 181 role-play 151 romantic ideals 125 romantic love 27, 152, 155, 218–9 Rosenfeld, Michael J 90 Rosenthal, Richard 45 S sadness 43 safe havens 30–1, 38, 130, 176, 212 safety first dates 88–9, 93 Internet dating 81, 86, 87, 88–9 see also abuse Salovey, Peter 123 Savage, Dan 129 scams, online dating 81 scents, effect of 48, 49, 155 Schlegel, Rebecca J 55 Schneller, Debora 94, 95 Scott, Kate 218 secrets 134–5, 141 secure attachment style 16–21, 23, 26, 67, 124, 147, 149, 163 selective instigation 192 selective reinforcement 192, 193 selective thinking 32, 33, 53 self, models of 22–3, 26 self-acceptance 117 self-affirmation 23, 33, 34–5, 108 self-compassion 23, 54, 56–7, 94, 95, 117, 143 self-concept, authentic 55 self-development 28 self-disclosure 175, 188–9, 203 self-esteem 55, 205 self-fulfilling prophecies 32–3 self-image 32–3, 53, 192 self-soothing 102–3, 109, 114, 148–9 self-verification 32–3, 98, 185 Seligman, Martin 35 sensory perception sensitivity 108 sensuous walking meditation 63 separateness 168 separation from parent/caregivers 16, 38 from partner 19 serial daters, spotting 124–5 serotonin 154, 155, 219 sexual harassment, at work 71 sexual intimacy 146–7 abusive 157 arousal 151 as parents 216–17 during pregnancy 210–11 role-play 151 safe sex 89 and talk of love 170 and trying for a baby 208–9 shame 117, 188 Sharma, Bharti 94 Shaver, Philip 17 shaving 101 shyness coping with 108–9 and Internet dating 76 signals, sending out the right 62–3 single-parent families 134, 159 sleep, quality of 202–3 sleepovers 167, 172, 173 smell 48–9, 155 smiling 103, 113, 115 social networks 162–3, 211 social norms 137, 206–7 social pricing 95 spark keeping the 218–19 looking for the 130, 131, 150–1 speed dating 74–5, 88, 130 spotlight effect 117 status couple 167 within relationship 205 stepfamilies 160–1 stereotypes gender 21 getting stuck in 194–5 Sternberg, Robert 27 stonewalling 197 “Strange Situation” test 16 strangers, connection with 39 stress, first dates 102, 103, 104–5 “strokes” 199 subconscious reactions 42 Suler, John 82–3 support from partner 31 networks 38–9, 176, 211 surprise 43 survival mechanisms 30, 38 Swami, Viren 45 Swann, William 32, 95 symmetry, facial 43, 44 T, U Taylor, Dalmas 175 teenagers 160 telephone calls, and assessing new date 118 temperaments 126–7 Tench, Elizabeth 209 testosterone 154, 155 thin slicing 45 threat, perceived 200–1 Tiegerman, Jeremy 200 time together, how much 164–5 Toma, Catalina 77 touching phase 113 trust 46, 95, 188–9 two-timers 89 unrequited love 68 V vagus nerve 39 Valentine’s Day 137 validation 29 subjective 53 values for children 159, 212 and humor 50, 51 and Internet dating 79 life 60, 61 Van Edwards, Vanessa 115 vasopressin 146, 154, 155 venues, first date 104–5 violence 156, 157 voice messages, personal ads 73 Voltaire 214–15 vulnerability 175, 188–9 W Walker, Leonore 157 warmth, levels of 127 Webb, Amy 79 weddings, planning 181 Weiner-Davis, Michele 216–17 Wilkinson, Ross B 38 Wiseman, John 130 women cycle of female desire 217 Internet dating 77 physical safety 67 work dating at 70–1, 132 pressures of 204–5 worries, discussing 119 wounds, healing old 28–9 ... others—and how, if those patterns are leading them away from the happiness they deserve, they can change them for the better Love: the Psychology of Attraction will help you make a similar journey... LOVE the PSYCHOLOGY of ATTRACTION LOVE the PSYCHOLOGY of ATTRACTION LESLIE BECKER-PHELPS Ph.D WITH MEGAN KAYE Writer Megan Kaye... comes to love Seen through the lens of psychology s attachment theory, a lot of seemingly strange behavior becomes clear A ttachment theory was pioneered in the wake of World War II by British