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cdcdcdcd |e Ma t h e m a t i c s of LOVE ef E M M A D A RW I N abababab For Hugh and Lucie But must not all these new prodigies efface themselves before the most amazing, the most troubling of all: that which at last appears to give man the power to create in his turn, to make solid the unreachable ghost which fades as soon as seen, without leaving a shadow in the looking-glass, a shiver in the water of the pool? Nadar, Quand j’étais photographe, 1899 Contents EPIGRAPH iii PART ONE I Had I not been there, no account, no print, no… II I could by no means lay claim to a broken… 37 PART TWO 75 I I arrived at L’Arc-en-ciel close to midnight, and weary after… 77 II It was Sunday, and the theaters were closed, so when… 109 III I had escorted Miss Durward and the Barracloughs on an… 141 PART THREE 173 I I let the letter fall onto my lap The fever… 175 II There was no lack of business to occupy me in… 218 III Although the game season had opened, and on more than… 255 PART FOUR 289 I I had the length of a good dinner at the… 291 II The question of how best to approach Catalina, so as… 329 III The clank and splash of the courtyard well woke me… 368 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS ABOUT THE AUTHOR CREDITS COVER COPYRIGHT ABOUT THE PUBLISHER cdcdcdcdcd Pa rt O n e ef Perception becomes a language The far greater part of what is supposed to be perception is only the body of ideas which a perception has awakened Thomas Wedgwood, “Essay on Vision” ababababab e Th e M a t h e m a t i c s o f L o ve f matter only of your well-being But this morning my fear was only My love, I cannot change the world, or what it thinks, any more than a single soldier may request the enemy to change their ground to make his victory the easier How I would wish you to everything, to have every freedom, that you desire, and hang the whisperers! But ” I stopped, for how could I say that I would still sacrifice her freedom—that longed-for honesty—if to preserve it would endanger anything as dear to me as Catalina’s child had become? Lucy was looking at me, her frowning gaze seeming to grapple with my thoughts as much as with my words To watch her was to feel a knife held to my throat After a while she said, “I suppose although it is my choice to things that will earn me disapproval, it cannot be only my choice, when others’ happiness is in question Yours, Idoia’s—” Trembling, I said, “Can you forgive me for thinking that? For leaving you this morning? For insulting you—for injuring you—in wishing to protect you?” A rather twisted smile flickered across her face “I told you once that chivalry is not the point,” she said “I still think so But when it joins with common sense, and love for others, how can I not accept it? Those are good things How can I not try to find a place for myself in their pattern?” “Then you forgive me?” I said, but her expression, before she spoke, gave me enough hope to leave the doorway and cross the room towards her Then suddenly she smiled, as if a great candle had been lit within her, and she had barely said yes before relief drove me to her, with passion close behind To embrace her again, after all my fear, was a joy that sought expression, but I dared not so, for so great a matter, I felt, had Lucy’s forgiveness been for her, that I feared to appear to press my advantage I did her an injustice, however, for Lucy did nothing except it was wholeheartedly, and she too, I realized wonderingly, was released [ 397 ] e Emma Darwin f from fears and doubts of her own that I had not perceived until now So urgent was our desire to affirm what we had snatched back from such danger that we sought its fulfillment in the swiftest manner possible, and if it occurred to either of us that Lucy’s gown would be sadly crushed by so doing, neither of us had any breath left with which to say so When afterwards I briefly slept, I fell into a deeper and more peaceful oblivion than I could ever remember We dined at the inn, and it was the hour of the evening promenade before we set out to see Bilbao The whole city, it seemed, was in the streets, greeting neighbors, displaying new gowns, advising friends and marrying off daughters The lanes of the old town over the higharched bridge were irresistible to Lucy, and time and again I leaned against a wall, and stood watching her as she laid down a few, swift lines, to show the crest of a Gothic window, an old man’s hands, the iron filigree of a balcony, or a kerchief knotted like a flower about a girl’s dark hair When it was done, she would look up, laugh, and return to me Thus we wandered through the town, Lucy’s sketchbook catching and holding these things of ours, one after the other, line by line, page by page, the time between them pressed to insignificance as the pages turned We had reached the top of the calle del Perro “There is Sant’ Águeda,” I said Lucy looked at the high gray walls, with their small windows far out of reach “Are you going to see her again?” “Yes Did I forget to say so?” “We were speaking of other matters,” she said primly, but looking at me with a laugh in her eye “So we were Are we doomed to such disagreements?” “Yes,” she said “My impatience and your care are like oil and water It is just as well that we seem likely to mix ourselves together frequently.” Seeing me somewhat taken aback by so public an avowal, she laughed aloud Then she said, “But what you intend to for Idoia?” [ 398 ] e Th e M a t h e m a t i c s o f L o ve f We were walking in the shadow of the orphanage walls, and to me came again the image of my daughter, standing alone, perhaps inside that same wall, and then suddenly, for no reason that I could discern, I saw in my mind’s eye the lad that Nell and Titus had come across, shrinking against the hedge for fear, and with nowhere else to go Then from further away, from longer ago, came a flicker of my own, childish memories—a door bolted against me; Pierce’s face as he slipped into unconsciousness; the cry I had no use for, that the mails were come at last Each one was as slightly drawn as the lines in Lucy’s sketchbook, yet they followed one another and made a certainty: that Idoia must not stay at Sant’ Águeda, that she was not truly found until she was housed and cared for in love, and not merely in Christian charity Lucy stopped under the yellow glow of a streetlamp “Stephen?” “I am sorry I was pondering what it will be best to Beyond dowering her, that is.” “For Idoia? If you are pondering thus, then I take it that you are not content to leave her where she is.” “No,” I said, and added, “she would not take the picture of her mother She looked at it for a long time, but she said they would not allow her to keep it, so she gave it back to me.” “Oh, poor child!” she said “Perhaps if you placed her in the town, with some respectable woman?” “No!” I burst out “Not that! Never that.” She looked up as if startled Then she said, quite calmly, “No Forgive me I understand, I think.” She said no more, but in her silence I felt my distress wash away, and with it some of my memories Then I saw the quick rise of her breast in the light as she took a breath and said slowly, “Would you Are you thinking of having her with you at Kersey?” “But she would not be with me She would be with us, and that is not a decision that is mine to make alone.” She was silent for a long time, and although her eyes were nar[ 399 ] e Emma Darwin f rowed, as they were when she observed a subject, I thought that it was not the scene before us at which she gazed At last she said, “What is she like, Idoia?” “Dark,” I said “And small, like like her mother Very quiet, I thought, but perhaps it would be difficult to be otherwise, in those surroundings.” I recalled Estefanía “She had a doll, a rag doll She said that when she turns seven, she will have to give it to the poor box.” “Oh, the poor little thing!” she cried “We cannot leave her to that!” “Do you mean that?” “Yes, we must rescue her, and give her a home where there are no rules to deny her what she loves.” I smiled, to conceal my relief, “My love, are you sure?” “Yes,” she said firmly, but then went on in a less certain tone, “Stephen, to have your love gives me such joy that to know that once it was given to another is not—will not always be—easy.” “I understand you,” I said slowly, “but I wish I could make it so.” “You have lived with the image of that love for so long And now we shall have an image of it before us both, every day.” To my mind’s eye came the memory of Idoia, looking at her mother’s picture, and I could not deny it She smiled suddenly “But living with me in the flesh will not always be easy for you, either.” “On the contrary—” I felt bound to protest “Even your chivalry, Stephen, will find me wanting in the virtues men are said to look for in a wife.” Before I could deny this, she went on “And Idoia is not an image, but a little girl—a daughter—and I hope that she will be quite as naughty as any other child, and no less trouble to you, once she is in a place where her nature may find true expression.” I smiled at the notion and tucked my arm back into hers “Then, tomorrow, will you come to the orphanage with me?” I said, “As my [ 400 ] e Th e M a t h e m a t i c s o f L o ve f sister, or my betrothed, whichever you will? We will find Idoia together, and take her home to Kersey.” cefd I cried almost all the way to Penny’s house, and the tears were running down my cheeks so fast that after a while I gave up trying to slide them away secretly, though I did manage not to make a noise I was sitting in the back, to be with Cecil I said, and Penny didn’t argue Cecil squashed himself up close to me and I kept having to move so the tears dripping off my chin wouldn’t fall on him But it helped a bit to have him snuggling into my side, even with the lump of his plaster It felt like here was something—someone—small and warm and real and rather grubby, who might stop me dissolving away to nothing while we ran quietly through the same deep green lanes as I had with Theo, with the swifts soaring and shrieking overhead, and the air cooler than it had been for weeks, and bitter with stubble smoke Susan was waiting in the doorway of Penny’s house and almost before the car stopped, Cecil had scrambled out and run to her Suddenly I felt so tired that everything ached We left Cecil laughing and proudly showing Susan his cast I didn’t know he could laugh, I thought, feeling even bigger tears in the back of my throat Penny showed me upstairs and into the spare room “Crispin’s coming round later Why don’t you have a wash and a lie-down? You’ve had a very short night, and a terrible shock.” I nodded, and wondered again in a foggy sort of way whether she knew about me and Theo, but I was too tired to know if it mattered, and when she’d told me where the bathroom was and gone downstairs I shut the curtains against the yellow light and got undressed and into bed It was one of those continental quilts instead of blankets, and it settled over me like a cloud while I sank down through endless sadness and into sleep I woke from a dream of Theo It was late, I could tell, there was hardly any light coming in round the edges of the curtains I uncurled, [ 401 ] e Emma Darwin f and then felt the pain still lying like hot lead in my gut Already it felt familiar, like it had made a place for itself inside me This was what it was going to be like, I thought Always There was a quiet tap on the door, the sort that wouldn’t have woken me if I’d still been asleep It was Susan with a small pile of my clothes all neatly folded, and Cecil holding a tray very tightly with one and a half hands because of his plaster, with a teapot and a cup, and only a little bit spilled onto the plate of biscuits “Mum said Uncle Crispin’s here for supper,” said Susan, “and if you want to come down for a drink when you’re ready that would be really nice We’re not eating till nine And Mum’s washed your clothes but there’s only a few dry.” When they’d gone I went to the bathroom and had a quick shower and washed my hair, and came back and drank my tea There were glossy magazines and books by the bed and cotton wool in a china jar on the dressing table and everything smelled of polish, and the tea was hot, running down inside me, scalding me awake, until I could even smell the potpourri on the windowsill where it was still warm from the day, and feel the heavy velvet of the towels against my nakedness, and the smooth cotton sweet with washing and ironing, as I got dressed When I opened my bedroom door I could hear the radio news faintly from the kitchen, talking about Big Ben being started after it stopped I wondered what they had to to start a clock that size again Crispin was sitting on the patio where the blue evening mixed with the yellow light falling from the sitting room window He saw me hesitating in the back doorway and uncoiled himself from his chair “Anna, my dear! How good to see you! I hope you slept well I was so sorry to hear about your grandmother.” He came to me and took my hands to kiss me on both cheeks “Penny’s doing something technical to the supper, and Susan’s helping her, so come and sit here on the terrace and let me get you a drink.” I really actually liked white wine now, I thought, while we sipped it [ 402 ] e Th e M a t h e m a t i c s o f L o ve f and talked about the weather and the gallery But I could feel Crispin tiptoeing round Theo’s name Suddenly he reached for a briefcase, which was standing by his chair “I thought you might like to have this,” he said, taking something out “I found it in a sale I went to, over towards Ipswich It’s not part of the Kersey Hall archive, so I’d like you to have it.” It was a bit like one of those boxes you see posh necklaces in, but old and scuffedlooking “Open it,” he said The catch was a bit stiff I lifted the lid, and inside was a photograph of the Hall I knew it was very old because the Hall looked clean and new, but the picture wasn’t blurry and pale like you’d expect It was glass not paper for one thing, and every chimney and leaf and blade of grass was as sharp as if it had been cut into the surface with a needle You had to tilt it to see it properly, and then the highlights glimmered against the black velvet; there was sun catching the windows and breaking up among the leaves Half the front door was open, and it looked cool and shady inside, and in the dimness you could just see someone with dark hair in a dress with long, pale skirts “Whoever took it must have known exactly what they were doing Daguerreotype wasn’t an easy process to master.” He leaned forward and touched my hand “Look at the card.” Tucked against the satin inside the lid was a little card, thick and cream-colored I didn’t know the writing: the strokes were dark and quick and bigger than Stephen’s IDOIA JOCELYN NÉE IDOIA MAURA KERSEY, JUNE ’41 I sat and looked at it, trying to understand what I was holding He smiled at me “To be honest, it was Theo who said I should give it to you He said your middle name is Jocelyn.” [ 403 ] e Emma Darwin f “It is,” I said, and blood started to drum in my ears “And Idoia’s in Stephen’s letters She must be my I’ve never been bothered about relations and things But Theo must have—” Suddenly I found I couldn’t speak or see or breathe for tears I closed the lid of the box, and felt Crispin take it gently away Everything was dark After a bit he put a hankie into my hands It was big and smelled of ironing and lavender and beeswax, and with all Penny’s looking-after as well, it helped more than I’d thought anything could Here were people who knew about us, who saw us, but they didn’t judge us or try to change things They were just friends “I wasn’t sure if you knew,” I said at last “It only took one look at Theo’s face to see how he felt,” he said “Although for a while I had no idea it had gone so far—so deep With either of you And there was nothing any of us could do.” I nodded “He asked me to bring you your prints,” he said, reaching for his briefcase again and taking out one of the big flat photo-paper boxes In it were the two sleeves of my negs, and the prints I’d done The Hall, the portico with the shadow beyond the glass, Cecil’s face, the saint on the Guildhall Theo’s hands cradling his coffee cup When I saw that one, the lump of pain swelled up hot again inside me and I pushed the lid back on the box Crispin was staring down at his fingertips At last he said, without looking up, “Anna Theo and Eva are leaving Kersey He asked me to tell you They’re moving to Paris He’s flying out tonight to look for a flat, and Eva’s packing up the stables in the next couple of days and following him They hope to settle in Madrid, as soon as the political situation there makes it possible.” I must have made a noise, because he said, “Oh, my dear Anna, I’m so sorry.” “When did they decide?” I said croakily [ 404 ] e Th e M a t h e m a t i c s o f L o ve f “Well, I think it’s been in the air since Franco died, but of course no one knew what would happen And they are—they are not people who ever stay in the same place for long Besides, Eva wants to go home, that I know She still has family there.” “Theo can’t go home And he doesn’t have any family left.” “No But I suppose hers is the next best thing.” I thought about Theo, looking for the next best thing, always moving on, leaving Kersey, leaving the stables, being sucked back into that world, the aeroplanes and typewriters and cafés and hotel rooms The world I knew only from photographs, films, strips of time flickering in the dark I couldn’t follow him there I would have to find my my own world My next best thing At the bottom of the box of prints was a folder, the kind they kept single prints in It was the miliciana we had printed that first day, when he showed me that sunlight can be black, and shadows silver Who she was is not news, only what she was, Theo’d said But later he said, This at least was something that I could On the back, in his small, black writing, he had written, For Anna, from Theo, with memories of great happiness I looked at it for a long time, hearing his voice, with my sadness murmuring in the background like the darkroom fan Cecil was standing beside me He slipped his hand into mine “Penny says it’s suppertime And then I want it to be you putting me to bed Please, Anna?” * There is movement beyond the trees, but these days I not start, or snatch for my pistol The air is clean and sharp on the young leaves, and I see how they are yet to be sun-darkened, still only half unfurled, so that each vein and jagged edge appears engraved by the light The spring sun is hot enough to draw the resin from the pines until the air is heady [ 405 ] e Emma Darwin f with the scent My footsteps and my stick make no sound on the earth It is as if I am not here Through the trees, across the soft new grass of the lawns about the Hall, I can see a child running Sunlight catches glass and stone, and scatters about him where he squats down on the ground, playing with a handful of cowslips, and pinecones, and a pebble or two He is not one of my sons, but I think perhaps I know his face, though not his name He seems scarcely older, yet I think I have not seen him for many years Is it he whom I have seen, crouching in the oak tree, flitting round a corner in the house, cowering from my dogs? He who was lost? Now I see that he has been found, for he jumps up, laughs, runs with both arms out to where, along the path from the stables, come two women The light dazzles my gaze, but as she looks about her, I can see that the older is not Lucy The younger leads, showing the way, and it takes me longer to see that she is not Idoia, so like is she to my daughter, with her golden skin and black hair It is as if I am, after all, watching my own wife and daughter, reflected in a glass: two women akin to each other and unconscious of my regard, at ease in their time and place, and yet present in mine The older woman catches the boy’s hand, ruffles his hair As I watch unseen, the younger stoops, embraces him, her hair unbound and curling about her shoulders Then she takes his hand For a long moment she stands, looking up at the house, though what she seeks from it, if anything, I cannot tell Then, together, they turn away, and take the path that leads to the village [ 406 ] Ac k n ow l e d g m e n t s The Mathematics of Love was written as part of the M.Phil in Writing at the University of Glamorgan, and I would like to thank Christopher Meredith and all the tutors and students there for their help and support ABOUT THE AUTHOR Emma Darwin was born in 1964 and raised in London, Manhattan, and Brussels She worked in academic publishing before turning to photography and writing Her story “Maura’s Arm” was a winner of the 2004 Bridport Prize, which was judged by Jim Crace A great-greatgranddaughter of Charles Darwin and his wife, Emma Wedgwood, she lives in London with her two children www.emmadarwin.com Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins authors Credits Jacket design by Julie Metz Jacket photograph by Elizabeth Watt/Nonstock/Jupiterimages Designed by Betty Lew Copyright The quotation from Robert Capa’s memoir, Slightly Out of Focus, has been reprinted with the kind permission of the International Center of Photography This book is a work of fiction The characters, incidents, and dialogue are drawn from the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental THE MATHEMATICS OF LOVE Copyright © 2006 by Emma Darwin.All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this ebook on-screen No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books Adobe Acrobat eBook Reader December 2006 ISBN 978-0-06-125850-3 Library of Congress Cataloging- in- Publication Data Darwin, Emma The mathematics of love/Emma Darwin.—1st ed p cm ISBN-13: 978-0-06-114026-6 ISBN-10: 0-06-114026-0 10 About the Publisher Australia HarperCollins Publishers (Australia) Pty Ltd 25 Ryde Road (PO Box 321) Pymble, NSW 2073, Australia http://www.harpercollinsebooks.com.au Canada HarperCollins Publishers Ltd 55 Avenue Road, Suite 2900 Toronto, ON, M5R, 3L2, Canada http://www.harpercollinsebooks.ca New Zealand HarperCollinsPublishers (New Zealand) Limited P.O Box Auckland, New Zealand http://www.harpercollinsebooks.co.nz United Kingdom HarperCollins Publishers Ltd 77-85 Fulham Palace Road London, W6 8JB, UK http://www.uk.harpercollinsebooks.com United States HarperCollins Publishers Inc 10 East 53rd Street New York, NY 10022 http://www.harpercollinsebooks.com ... side of the field I could make out a company of the Fifteenth Hussars picking their way among the fallen and using the flat of their sabers to hasten the remains of the great gathering back to the. .. hack was brought to a halt by the absolute solidity of the crowd all about us I paid it off and made my e Emma Darwin f way on foot through the hot streets, assisted by the movement of the mass,... that he make sure that no legitimate grievance among my tenants or servants went unaddressed, and no radical talk unchallenged I sealed the letter, and sat in the weary aftermath of action and