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NE ZI THE G LO SS ’S EN WOM No Y M AGA OCTOBER 2018 IS SUCCESS AN ILLNESS? The high-flyers ‘killing it’ at work The influencerss’ high-street editt THE LOVER Why I vetted my wife’s afair ‘THEY TURNED ON ME’ The rape survivor #MeToo disowned 10 770141 055290 OPOLITAN.COM/UK THE MALE MODEL & THE NERD Life with the UK’s most eligible man A SUPERMODEL ROARS TESS HOLLIDAY WANTS THE HATERS TO KISS HER ASS OCTOBER 2018 onten ✱ On the cover 82 TESS HOLLIDAY Wants the haters to kiss her ass 100 IS SUCCESS AN ILLNESS? The high-flyers ‘killing it’ at work 106 THE MALE MODEL & THE NERD Life with the UK’s most eligible man 112 ‘THEY TURNED ON ME’ The rape survivor #MeToo disowned 122 TOTAL CHIC The influencers’ high-street edit 140 THE OTHER LOVER Why I vetted my wife’s affair ✱ Know 15 GET PLUGGED IN Podcasts that dissect our favourite TV shows almost as much as we 17 SEE YOU AT… Where to a little dance, eat a little grub and generally get down this month 19 A NOVEL FORMULA One award-winning author on how to write your very own tome 20 GENERATION FAME The famous-actor offspring you need to know now 21 JOIN THE JAZZ LEAGUE Your weird uncle’s favourite genre gets an urban upgrade 22 POWER PLAYERS How Instagram’s helping us to read more books 25 MY CULTURED LIFE Milla Jovovich likes Toblerone and chicken tikka masala But not at the same time Obviously 27 THE COMPASS This month’s cultural ups and downs 28 CONFESSIONS You shared, we listened, then we laughed (sorry) · C O S M O P O L I TA N 122 Bettina Looney shows off the highstreet’s hottest COVER PHOTOGRAPH BEN WATTS FASHION DIRECTOR AMY BANNERMAN MAKE-UP JESSICA MEJIA AT STELLA CREATIVE ARTISTS, USING URBAN DECAY HAIR SOFIA SJOO, USING BED HEAD BY TIGI AND CLOUD9 NAILS KIM TREACY AT STELLA CREATIVE ARTISTS, USING ORLY SEAMSTRESS VIVIAN NWONKA FASHION ASSISTANT MADDY ALFORD TESS WEARS, NEWSSTAND COVER, BODYSUIT, VIVIAN NWONKA BRA, TESS’S OWN TIARA, FROM A SELECTION, EBAY EARRINGS, NEW LOOK NOSE RING AND WEDDING RING, TESS’S OWN SHOES, TOPSHOP SUBSCRIBER COVER, DRESS, SIMPLY BE EARRINGS, ACCESSORIZE THIS SPREAD, PHOTOGRAPHS ABBIE RODEN, LOUISA PARRY, BEN WATTS PROP STYLING JEMIMA HETHERINGTON *OR, AT THE VERY LEAST, YOUR TO-DO LIST ts ✱ Earn 57 ✱ Glow 31 THE WRITE NOTE Why scribbling on yourself suddenly makes perfect “scents”… 33 HOT RIGHT NOW! What’s black, white and spread all over? These products, that’s what 34 GRUNGE KISSES ’90s lips 36 HACKED OFF How one writer really feels about her new nose 42 INGE HAS ISSUES… Floral skincare: fad or fab? 44 BEAUTY LAB Do your talons need to visit Nail Tess Holliday isn’t taking Rehab? We say “go, go, go” Behold, the perfect newseason bag ✱ Read 92 CAN YOU CHANGE YOUR LIFE IN ONE DAY? Four Cosmopolitan staffers’ hairraising attempts to just that… 82 ✱ Lust 137 PLEASURE TRIP How to enjoy yourself, the continental way 138 WORST DATES EVER It’s all fun and games till your date is sick on their plate 139 MY BEST SEX EVER WAS… with my online troll 142 FIRST LOVE If these two get back together, we’re automatically invited to the wedding, right? any sh… ✱ Move 47 LUPIN IT TO WIN IT Sprinkle this superfood into your smoothies, take on the world* 48 HARDWIRE YOUR HEALTH Essential reading if you’re keen on being fit in your forties 52 THE BIG GUNS Want to bring ’em out? Follow this routine first 55 FAIR & SQUARE Remember how good you were at geometry at school? Nope, us neither But we excel at wearing patterns inspired by it to the gym ✱ Play 145 MEET THE GRIPSTERS Mimicking Charlie Dimmock has never been cooler (pop a bra on though, eh?) 146 THE BEST OF BRITISH Can’t afford to go abroad? We hear you Try the UK’s 20 best hotels instead ✱ Wear 57 PEARLY QUEEN A bag fit for a princess (AKA you) 58 SOFT TOUCH These fabrics are giving us all the feels 66 HEY, HOW DO I WEAR… ’70s style? 68 PUT THE BOOT IN Chunky, Western and over-the-knee designs for seriously happy feet 73 STEP SIDEWAYS Why getting crabby could help your career 74 HOW TO MANAGE YOUR BOSS Think you might end up stuck in that coffee-making, dry-cleaning-collecting, 24/7phone-call-answering cycle forever? Allow us to help 78 SELF MADE How Birchbox’s Katia Beauchamp got her startup signed, sealed and delivered ✱ And the rest… 145 Plants: now cool enough to wear their shades indoors… FROM THE EDITOR 10 MEET TEAM COSMOPOLITAN 162 COSMOPOLITAN CONTRACT Meeting a mate’s new flame ◆ C O S M O P O L I TA N · FROM THE EDITOR PHOTOGRAPH IAN HARRISON HAIR AND MAKE-UP SHARI RENDLE *NOTHING WRONG WITH A JOB IN THE CIVIL SERVICE, BY THE WAY W hat you want to be when you grow up? I don’t know who first asked me this question, but I know I was young enough to dream big and old enough to remember the answer “I want to be a writer with six Great Danes, and live in a cottage in the country that has roses round the door, with a man who writes poems.” (True story Recounted to me time and again by those who bore witness to this highly specific set of life goals.) Over time, however, that dream faded from view Not because my ambitions changed, but because the world around me did As I headed into my teens, my father, in the well-meaning but misguided way fathers often do, made it clear there were only four career options out there in the big, wide world: doctor, lawyer, engineer or… failure School was little better A writer? The very word appeared to send careers advisors into spasms of shock Instead they would try to side-hustle me by gushing about the beige-sounding opportunities to be found within the civil service.* Good, solid careers crammed with prospects and a porky pension at the other side “Writing is very hard to make a living from,” one advisor said to me, shaking their head “Very few people ever make it.” And so I started to modify my dream, transforming it into something more palatable for those around me But grand passions, like unfinished love affairs, don’t die quietly They live inside you… waiting Waiting and hoping that one day you’ll turn, look back and let them in I was 24 when I decided to turn around and dare to dream about a career in journalism once more I took the first job that would have me, and then set about moving swiftly up the ladder, grabbing what wisdom WHAT I’M LOVING THIS MONTH Am I Ugly? by Michelle Elman, £14.99 She’s not She’s gorgeous As is this honest, riveting book and experience those along the way had to offer I had lost time, but I hadn’t lost passion or my goal Someone who never let their passion be dimmed was our cover star, Tess Holliday Tess always knew she wanted to be a model – but the world said otherwise Too fat, too short, too much was the message it repeatedly sent back to her And so she found a way to make it happen It wasn’t overnight It took years of hustle, years of graft and years of searching to find another avenue down which she could travel to get there Because there is always a way, as long as you accept that passion alone will not get you there It will be the power in your engine, no doubt, but not the wheels that make the journey Sacrifice, grit, keeping your head when the world seems cruel and forbidding – these are, in many ways, the things you ultimately need when chasing down a dream I’ve had as many failures as I’ve had successes (and written about them all in my book, The Discomfort Zone, in case you’re interested in what they look like Disclaimer: there’s a lot), and I have also made big personal sacrifices Because the truth is, you can’t have it all But you can have most of it – as long as you are very clear on what that looks like I don’t have children and I don’t have a large friendship group, but I live in a cottage with roses round the door, a man who writes and two oversized doodles that share my life As for writing… well, you know how that worked out 4Keep in touch by following me on Twitter @Farrah_Storr and Instagram @farrahstorr Chanel Les Beiges Healthy Glow Lip Balm, £31 Makes you look like you just j “got some” – sexy and natural I have every colour FARRAH STORR Editor-in-Chief Mortar & Milk Small, discreet and offers possibly the best facials in the UK right now Ask for Pamela Tell her I sent you Bobbi Brown LongWear Weightless Foundation, £31 I’m obsessed My skin is obsessed You will be obsessed C O S M O P O L I TA N · THE SAIL LOFT SOUTHWOLD h WHAT MAKES IT SO SPECIAL? Its location, at the end of a row of clapboard houses with a sandy beach and rolling dunes in front, footpath behind and only a five-minute stroll from the centre of Southwold It has pretty much everything you want from a British seaside break: beach huts, pier, lighthouse, sand and good pubs If that’s not enough to tempt you, the style is all beachy, coastal chic – think New England meets Suffolk – and the restaurant (it would be silly not to order seafood, specifically the crayfish bisque risotto) has outside tables so you can breathe in all that healthy ion-filled sea air while you’re knocking back the rosé Staff will let you take a drink into the dunes at sunset, too, if you want to pretend you’re one of the Big Little Lies cast in Monterey (and, really, who doesn’t?) h WHO GOES? This place gets plenty of local trade alongside Breton-striped Londoners on a Norfolk mini-break Families flock here in the summer and half-term holidays, but there are lots of couples, too, snuggled up at the bar, tumbling dewy-eyed out of the best bedroom and wandering hand in hand along the shore h IT WOULD BE A CRIME NOT TO… Stay This is really a beach restaurant with rooms (there are only five), so book well in advance If you can, get Room 4, which has doors opening onto a terrace with sea views From £140 per night; Sailloftsouth wold.uk ABERGAVENNY THE ANGEL HOTEL h WHY? Four-poster beds, leather sofas to sink into in the Foxhunter Bar (which serves surprisingly good cocktails and a mean burger), seafood platters to share in the posher Oak Room and there’s even a Twizy electric car available so you can explore the stunning Brecon Beacons on your doorstep What ISLE OF ERISKA H O T E L, S PA & ISLAND OBAN h WHY? If you want to pretend you’re a Scottish laird (and don’t tell us you’ve never felt the urge), then this ancient pile perched on its own island at Loch Creran is the place to it Get your fill of oak-panelling, woodland walks, mulled wine by massive fireplaces and game (as in venison, not tennis, though there is a court) Don’t miss the spa, which is a destination in its own right (ESPA, massive pool) and, if you’ve got some cash From £295 per night; Eriskato splash, treat hotel.co.uk yourself and book a hot-tub suite more could you want from a R O O M S F OR romantic weekend away? Nothing That’s what From £95 per night (including breakfast); Angelabergavenny.com i UNDER £100 C O S M O P O L I TA N · 149 From £305 per night (including breakfast); Lympstonemanor co.uk THE LODGE AT CASTLE LESLIE COUNTY MONAGHAN h WHY? This Irish equestrian playground has got it going on – riding school, posh stables, 21 miles of riding routes – but horses aren’t the only thing worth crossing the water for We also rate the organic spa, swanky Snaffles restaurant (food is locally sourced), on-site Irish pub for Guinness, and posh-meets-kinky bedroom decor – tasselled drapes, horse prints (obviously) From £158 per and leather night (including breakfast); Castle headboards headboards leslie.com TAfternoon tea for two Or one… LY M P S T O N E MANOR DEVON h WHAT MAKES IT SO SPECIAL? This panna-cotta-coloured Grade II-listed Georgian manor house is the dream of Michelin-starred chef Michael Caines He found it rundown and unloved at the mouth of Devon’s River Exe and cut not a single corner when transforming it into the ultimate modern countryhotel It’s house ho all plush velvet loveseats and chandeliers, with champaggne served in Riedell flutes either at the brass oe bar or on horsesho the vast lavenderlined laawns No shabby chic here If you have someone or something worth celebrating, come here and book in for Caines’ signature tasting menu with matching wines paired by his sommelier And if you don’t, all the more reason to come anyway h WHO GOES? Discerning foodies who want to be cooked for by the man himself Unlike in practically every other celebrity chef’s kitchen, starstruck diners can see Caines behind huge glass doors, pouring magical combinations of ginger and lemongrass over Brixham crab raviolo, and dotting local Darts Farm beef fillet with tiny pools of celeriac purée and horseradish-andshallot confit As we pulled up the elegant drive, a helicopter landed to deliver its well-heeled lunch party This place is special h IT WOULD BE A CRIME NOT TO… Borrow binoculars and one of Lympstone’s leather-saddled Pashley bikes and whizz off to explore the villages along the estuary If you’re lucky, you’ll spot otters, ospreys and dark-bellied Brent geese before heading back to soak in the tub on your terrace and enjoy your fire pit with some tea and homemade biscuits – the best you’ve ever tasted THE LITTON SOMERSET h WHY? It’s the future of pubs Out with stale ale, stained furniture and average food, and in with a shiny main bar (built from one piece of gorgeous reclaimed elm), picturesque courtyard and riverside terrace The cosy Whisky Bar looks like it should be in Manhattan, the kitchen garden’s where fresh produce for the menu is grown (expect rustic bread with roast peppers, cherry-vine tomatoes and basil) and the 12 modern, individually designed bedrooms are all reclaimed pallet headboards, colourful geometric cushions and exposed brick walls, with a nod to mid-century thrown in (case in point: the Lords Mead room – book it for the private patio) Also, it’s close to Bristol and the perfect stop-off on the way to Devon or Cornwall Plus everyone on TripAdvisor is crazy about it, and as we all know, nobody is ever happy on From £120 per TripAdvisor night (including breakfast); The litton.co.uk 8THE WHITE S WA N INN R O O M S F OR UNDER £100 YORKSHIRE h WHY? Because you’re right by the Yorkshire moors (windswept walks), Helmsley (cute shops, a castle) and Whitby (beach, fresh seafood) Also, the old-fashioned snug and bar are like something out of a Dickens novel, and its restaurant serves local fare such as slow-roasted pork belly and lobster Book a Hideaway Room if you’re a couple (they’re bigger) From £99 per night (including breakfast); White-swan.co.uk 10 CHAPEL HOUSE PENZANCE h WHY? Is it a B&B? Is it a boutique hotel? Who cares! This six-bedroom bolthole defies definitions in the best way possible Each room looks like a different interiors-magazine shoot, with oak beds, cool Ercol chairs and whitewashed floors There’s a help-yourself kitchen, harbour views, art for sale on the walls, gourmet suppers (try the fish stew) and wow bathrooms Book the top floor – you can bathe beneath the stars under the retractable glass roof From £150 per night; Chapelhousepz.co.uk i C O S M O P O L I TA N · 151 11 12 THE RECTORY HOTEL WILTSHIRE h WHY? Well, it has ALBION HOUSE RAMSGATE h WHAT MAKES IT SO SPECIAL? Perched on the East R O O M S F OR Cliff overlooking Ramsgate’s harbour, this renovated Georgian building is a 10-minute drive from Ramsgate train station and the slightly buzzier neighbouring coastal town of Broadstairs The rooms are modern-meets-antique, with big squishy beds, marbled bathrooms and UNDER £100 a swimming pool and a pretty garden that’s perfect for drinking Pimm’s in But if the sun don’t shine, the sitting room has a roaring fire, the panelled dining room and conservatory serve fill-your-face food like Cornish scallops and Florentine doughnuts, and the bedrooms are divine, with massive beds and clawfoot baths Oh, and they own the Potting From £105 per night (including Shed Pub across breakfast); the road in case Therectory you want some hotel.com “nightlife” 13 THE GUNTON A R M S NORFOLK h WHY? This is arty weekend-break heaven The art-dealer owner has filled the hotel, set in a deer park surrounding Gunton Hall, with works 152 · C O S M O P O L I TA N by the likes of Damien Hirst, Tracey Emin, Lucian Freud and Gilbert & George Rooms have an antiquey, romantic vibe (free-standing tubs, no uninterrupted views of the English Channel Make sure you reserve a table at Townleys, its restaurant (we were still daydreaming about the food days later) Try the fish or the pork belly with smoked mash h WHO GOES? Families, couples, maybe even the odd well-behaved hen party There’s a popular cycle route called the Viking Coastal Trail, which will appeal to active types It’s certainly not the UK’s answer to Ibiza, so be prepared for plenty of down time and Mr Whippy by day, then quiet drinks and live music with the locals by night h IT WOULD BE A CRIME NOT TO… Eat fish and chips on the beach and clear out your wallet on the arcade slot machines What is a trip to the British seaside without these things? From £95 per night; Albion houseramsgate co.uk TVs), the restaurant serves “hearty R O O M S fare” and it’s just south of seaside resort Cromer, perfect for day trips From £95 per night (including breakfast); Theguntonarms.co.uk F OR UNDER £100 From £160 (includes breakfast and afternoon tea); Themalabar co.uk 14 THE COOKIE JAR NORTHUMBERLAND h WHY? It had us at Cookie Jar (and you actually get free homebaked cookies in a jar in your room), but we also like the setting (in a former historic convent in the pretty town of Alnwick) Plus it has bags of charm, including a cute new secret garden The 11 bedrooms are so big they look like they belong to a posh London apartment building (Chapel has a stained-glass window, huge sofa, beams and copper bathtub) Alnwick Castle’s a stroll away, and don’t leave without trying the crispy pork in the From £ per Bailiffgate Bistro night (including T ff scallops, feel fancy breakfast); Cookie jaralnwick.com 15 THE MALABAR LAKE DISTRICT h WHAT MAKES IT SO SPECIAL? A restored barn that’s kitted out with beautifully decorated interiors and gems collected from hosts Fiona and Gr Graham’s travels across India; arriving at The T Malabar to afternoon tea in the eclectic dining room, you feel the stant calm of the Cumbrian count yside wash over you After waki up to “Bed Tea” left outside your door, d enjoy the breakfast of a liffetime out on the patio garden – the fried banana and maplesyrup porridge is a must-try! h WHO GOES? The remote seetting and grand total of only six rooms make this the perfect destination for a romantic weekend away or relaxing trip for best friends Either way, you’ll hardly notice anyone else there h IT WOULD BE A CRIME NOT TO… Bring your walking boots! Hiking up Winder Fell across the peak and down to Sedbergh is a highlight, stopping off at Three Hares Café for delicious home-cooked food, followed by a pint and board games at local pub The Dalesman Don’t forget to enjoy the roll-top bath while being serenaded by birdsong Feeling fresh and rejuvenated, grab a drink from the “honesty bar” and continue the rest of the stay in dressing gowns i C O S M O P O L I TA N · 153 THE MANDRAKE LONDON 18 RU DDI N G PARK HARROGATE 17 NORTHUMBERLAND LORD CREWE ARMS 154 · C O S M O P O L I TA N h WHY? For Simon Hicks’ food, but also the atmosphere This places oozes history – it was a former 12th-century abbot’s lodging, but now it’s all comfy sofas, painted floorboards, light bedrooms and stunning antiques, mixed with contemporary furniture But back to the food Ask to eat in the garden if it’s warm and don’t miss the cooked English breakfast with Bloody-Mary tomatoes From £129 per night (including breakfast); Lord crewearmsblanchland.co.uk h WHAT MAKES IT SO SPECIAL? The three ‘S’s: the spa, the service and the sustenance Opened just a year ago, Rudding Park’s spa occupies a new building on the grounds of this old stately home With a rooftop hottub the size of a studio flat (a studio flat with waiter service and champagne on ice), state-of-the-art treatment rooms, three chill-out zones and a heated indoor swimming pool, the spa is a reason to visit, come rain or shine Next up: the service Want a DVD player delivered to your room at midnight? No problem Need help working the TV that sits over the Jacuzzi bath? But of course! Desperate WORDS FARRAH STORR, AMY GRIER, SHOSHANA GOLDBERG, AMANDA STATHAM, SOPHIE LEEN PHOTOGRAPHS RICHARD STOW/THELICENSINGPROJECT.COM, SHUTTERSTOCK, GETTY IMAGES, ALAMY, KEITH DAVIES, MARK ASHBEE, ADRIAN HOUSTON, PHIL RIGBY, JACK EASTHAM 16 h WHY? If Keith Richards (circa 1968, not 2018) was a hotel, he’d have been The Mandrake This louche, arctic-cool party pad in central London is low-key on the outside (a small, dark doorway with a burly security guard marks its entrance), but a thundering riot behind closed doors The bar hums until the early hours, attracting the capital’s great and bad, while the sexy, artfully lit rooms are made for after-hours shenanigans Come here for the scene, stay for the breakfast (in a world of shakshuka, theirs is the finest) and sleep like a princess cast under a spell on the cloud-like From £311 per beds A hotel night (includes breakfast); The that will give mandrake.com you lots of satisfaction… From £180.50 per person, half-board, with one 50-minute treatment from the Spa Day menu; Ruddingpark.co.uk h IT WOULD BE A CRIME NOT TO… Have dinner at the restaurant, Horto, which uses seasonal produce with a Scandi twist By day, Horto is the preserve of spa guests eating salads in robes, but by night it morphs into an informal yet meticulously executed eatery serving up wild-mushroom tortelli, asparagus in miso broth and fresh crab with tomato consommé Book a booth and sample the sixcourse tasting menu, then stumble, full and happy, back to your room 19 MHOR 84 20 COUNTRY LIVING LANSDOWN GROVE BATH R O O M S F OR UNDER £100 PERTHSHIRE to get your hands on the recipe for the restaurant’s pistachio and lime-drizzle loaf? It’s yours, hand-delivered Which brings us to the sustenance Rudding Park is a foodie haven where you can enjoy oat-milk cappuccinos at breakfast and Michelin-standard meals for dinner More on that later h WHO GOES? Friends on weekend breaks, stressed-out city dwellers who like being able to wear bathrobes all day, older couples in awe of the manicured grounds, and moneyed locals with spa memberships (this is effectively the Soho House of the north It even has its own cinema!) h WHY? Calls itself a motel and is definitely California-dreamy, for what is essentially a Scottish roadside stop-off So cool it even holds a Mhor Festival in May with food and music at its sister hotel, Monachyle Mhor (posher, pricier), just down the road Rooms are white with splashes of colour and Highland views Its café, bar and restaurant are rolled into one: try eggs Benedict for breakfast, a burger for lunch and Scottish mussels for dinner From £90 per night; Mhor84.net h WHY? It’s Country Living magazine’s first hotel collaboration (along with a second property in Harrogate) and they’re definitely onto a winner – staff have brought all their know-how to the interior design of the hill-top hotel with its awesome city views and Regency facade You won’t want to leave your bedroom – it’s all soft throws and wall shades that you know you want at home but just From £169 per never get round night (including breakfast); to actually Countryliving painting ◆ hotels com hotels.com cosmoadvertisement HEALTH & BEAUTY EDIT All you need this month NO MORE OF THOSE ‘LITTLE LEAKS’ Pregnancy, childbirth and even high impact sports contribute to a weak pelvic floor And they lead to those ‘little leaks’ You know, when you laugh too much! Or you sneeze or cough! 85% of women think it’s normal and just part of life in women sufer with leaks in will sufer from a prolapse! The World Health Organisation say that incontinence is preventable and treatable It is not just part of getting older Be proactive and you can avoid those little leaks and prolapses, have a better sex life and give you a flatter tummy too Want to know how? Just visit www.kegel8.co.uk/cosmo If you’re serious about a strong pelvic floor and better quality of life, enter COSMO17 at the checkout or call our Customer Care Team on 01482 496932 and quote ‘Cosmo’ and we’ll give you 20% OFF! LOOK GOOD, FEEL GOOD Shreddies Flatulence Filtering Garments are the perfect solution to flatulence related issues Using activated carbon panels they can filter all flatulence odours and their stylish designs are so subtle they look just like regular garments With underwear, jeans and pyjamas available to buy from their website they’ll have you covered from day to night! 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SHOP SECURELY ONLINE TODAY AT BEST PRICE GUARANTEED hearstmagazines.co.uk OR CALL 01858 438838 Phone lines are open weekdays Mon-Fri, 8am-9:30pm and Saturdays, 8am-4pm FOR DETAILS OF CLASSIFIED ADVERTISING PLEASE TELEPHONE 020 3728 6260 OR VISIT WWW.HEARSTMAGAZINESDIRECT.CO.UK cosmoclassified HEALTH & BEAUTY HEMP'S GOT YOU COVERED Annabis – the home of natural cosmetics Promo code: COSMO10 www.annabis.co.uk sales@annabis.co.uk +44 (0) 1387 256099 FOR DETAILS OF CLASSIFIED ADVERTISING PLEASE TELEPHONE 020 3728 6260 OR VISIT WWW.HEARSTMAGAZINESDIRECT.CO.UK T HE EETING A MATE’S NEW FLA COSMOPOLITAN CONTRACT Girlfriend For The First Time, (hereafter referred to as The Gooseberrry) GROUND RULES MARKING YOUR TERRITORY The Gooseberry will receive a strict briefing from her best friend on things he’s not allowed to talk about This will include sh but is not limited to: the best mate’s exes, the best mate’s Tinder matches, the best mate’s former m ob as a children’s entertainer, and that hairy jo mole on the best mate’s back The Gooseberry m will w agree reluctantly She will promise not to be too judgemental about the new person’s shoes FIRST IMPRESSIONS To say hello, the Gooseberry will pull The New Flame into a long hug, while mouthing “HOT!” and doing a thumbs-up over their shoulder She will silently judge their shoes The New Flame will joke about needing to earn her approval and The Gooseberry will nod, as this is correct Her mouth will say, “I’ll get the gins in!” while her eyes say, “Hurt them and I will end you.” To show she’s been around longe er, The Gooseberry will get weirdly comp petitive She will begin telling lots of long, nostalgic stories about things she and her best mate did 15 y years ago Remember that time they got detentio on for chucking that teacher’s wig on top of the modern languages building? Wasn’t it SO FUNNY? Her best mate will not remember The Gooseberry will sulk BONDING TOOLS When the best mate gets up and goes to the loo, an awkward silence will descend “Soooo,” they will say The Gooseberry will decide she must bond with The New Flame the only way she knows how: taking the piss out of her best mate This will work a treat When the best mate comes back, they will be five albums deep into photos of the best mate’s noughties haircuts, laughing hysterically THE PDAS PERSONAL DIFFERENCES The Gooseberry will listen politely as her best friend and The New Flame tell an incredibly long story about going to a farmers’ market last weekend that ends with “You probably had to be there.” They will this while somehow stroking each other’s knees and kissing each other’s necks simultaneously The Gooseberry will order a bottle of wine She will not ask what anyone else is having Finally starting to relax, The Gooseberry will make a hilarious joke about something nobody could possibly be into – like fox-hunting or Coldplay Unfortunately it will turn out that The New Flame is actually very into fox-hunting and/or Coldplay There will be a long, awkward pause Everyone will take a big gulp of drink “Um,” The Gooseberry will say “So how about that hairy mole, eh?” Signed: (The Gooseberry) 162 WORDS LAUREN BRAVO PHOTOGRAPH AGATA PEC ADDITIONAL PHOTOGRAPHS GETTY IMAGES PENCO GOLD CLIP CLIPBOARD, LONDON GRAPHICS CENTRE PORCELAIN BOWL, KIKKI.K This is an agreement made by A Person Meeting Their Best Mate’s New Boyfriend Or ... disowned 10 7 7014 1 055290 OPOLITAN.COM /UK THE MALE MODEL & THE NERD Life with the UK s most eligible man A SUPERMODEL ROARS TESS HOLLIDAY WANTS THE HATERS TO KISS HER ASS OCTOBER 2018 onten... HOLLIDAY Wants the haters to kiss her ass 100 IS SUCCESS AN ILLNESS? The high-flyers ‘killing it’ at work 106 THE MALE MODEL & THE NERD Life with the UK s most eligible man 112 ‘THEY TURNED ON... rest… 145 Plants: now cool enough to wear their shades indoors… FROM THE EDITOR 10 MEET TEAM COSMOPOLITAN 162 COSMOPOLITAN CONTRACT Meeting a mate’s new flame ◆ C O S M O P O L I TA N · FROM