Table of Contents Title Page Copyright Page Dedication Epigraph Foreword Acknowledgements INTRODUCTION PART I - What Is Financial Infidelity? Understanding Financial Infidelity Financial Infidelity: Are You at Risk? Facing Financial Infidelity PART II - The Seven Steps Step 1: Calculate the Cost - What the Balance Sheet of Your Relationship Reveals Step 2: Examine Your Power Dynamic - If Money Is Power, Is There a Balance in Step 3: Divest Yourself of the Past - Understanding Your Inherited Money History Step 4: Break Up with Your Money - Letting Go of Money’s Emotional Hold Step 5: Define the Currency of Your Relationship - Working Toward a “Free” Step 6: Refinance Your Relationship - Reorganizing Your Priorities to Reclaim Step 7: Invest in Your Future - The Ongoing Work of Maintaining Your Relationship PART III - The Biochemical Component The Brain-Body Connection A Final Word: The Case for Financial Fidelity and Lasting Love BIBLIOGRAPHY AND SOURCES About the Author A NOTE TO READERS FROM DR BONNIE INDEX HUDSON STREET PRESS Published by Penguin Group Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A • Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4P 2Y3 (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.) • Penguin Books Ltd., 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England • Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd.) • Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124,Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd.) • Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd., 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi - 110 017, India • Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North Shore 0632, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd.) • Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty.) Ltd., 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England First published by Hudson Street Press, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc First Printing,April 2008 Copyright © Bonnie Eaker Weil, 2008 All rights reserved REGISTERED TRADEMARK—MARCA REGISTRADA LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA Eaker Weil, Bonnie Financial infidelity :seven steps to conquering the #1 relationship wrecker / Bonnie Eaker Weil p cm Includes bibliographical references and index Marriage—Economic aspects Man-woman relationships—Economic aspects Married people—Finance, Personal I Title HQ734E15 2008 332.0240086’55—dc22 2007052689 Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book PUBLISHER’S NOTE The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials Your support of the author’s rights is appreciated This book is printed on acid-free paper http://us.penguingroup.com eISBN : 978-1-4406-3161-0 In memory of my father, Hyman Eaker: “The Best,” who taught me you can always make more money; relationships come first You’ve got to know when to hold ’em and know when to fold ’em To my husband, Dr Jeffrey M Weil, who I treasure and cherish for all you have given and continue to give and teach me I’m so lucky I found you In memory of Thomas F Fogarty, M.D., my mentor, friend, and guiding light, and the originator of the pursuer/distancer theory, whose wisdom has guided me, my parents, my brother, my husband, and my patients “The only need in life is connectedness.” And to my patients, whose courage in facing the infidelity and financial infidelity in their lives and relationships inspired me to begin this journey to light the way! “No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.” —Freidrich Nietschze “There have been many terrible worries in my life but most of them never happened So too with money.” —Arianna Huffington paraphrasing Michel de Montaigne FOREWORD Betrayed! A word that strikes horror in the breast of humankind We don’t see ourselves as financial infidels! But are we? We don’t see our partner or future partner as a person with the capacity to be financially faithless But are they? Maybe we really are selfish Perhaps we shouldn’t feel betrayed if he looks at the top-of-the-line new cars after telling me to forget replacing the kitchen countertops Right? So what if we soothe ourselves on snack food when she returns home with shopping bags akimbo It’s better than more of the same argument Right? Dr Bonnie Eaker Weil, author and muse of Financial Infidelity, has written an outrageous, courageous, and mind-blowing book that peels away the innocence that blinds us to our own and our partner’s acts of financial infidelity She invites us to peek through the places in our soul that are empty, frightened, and lonely, even as we relentlessly, endlessly stuff those places with things money can buy Even when we end up no fuller than before We will control, placate, abandon, shut out, lie, cheat, steal, deny, hide, and flee in order to feel satiated We will this to our partner Especially our partner We don’t see ourselves as financially unfaithful Yet financial infidelity is the money we hide when we can’t find our partner’s heart It describes those acts we perform daily so as not to repeat our parents’ financial history Or to replicate their financial history exactly It is the money we hold on to so that we can feel safe, even if we’ve never felt safe in our lives Financial infidelity occurs when we repeatedly ask our partner for an accounting or when we never ask where the money goes It’s there when we keep silent because they’ll just be silent too, and what does that accomplish? It shows up when we fear being left and we have no choice but to buy what we can now, before we’re forced to move to a smaller apartment, downsize to a skimpier wardrobe, trade in for a cheaper car, or feel relegated to a home coloring kit for our hair It shows up when we feel controlled, when we feel speechless, when we want our partner’s unavailable love, when we need to feel as happy as the people down the street who did buy that expensive car It’s the stuff we buy him when we need his comfort It’s the credit cards we ramp up, the land we buy in our name only, the new dress we stuff into the back of the closet and then insist we’ve had it for years It is the way to dull the ache when we can’t have what we really want When did things get this bad? Remember how great things were in the beginning? Perhaps he told you he would always take care of you He meant it, at the time She said she would never give you reason to doubt her She meant it, at the time At the time, we really could be honest about everything We never felt so understood At the time, I ached when he ached, laughed when he laughed, desired what he desired At the time, we were the people we always knew we could be We were the best We want those good days back; we want those carefree laughs back even if we have to betray him to get them Eaker Weil explains why that kind of blind romantic love can’t last In the beginning, our brains flood us with the chemicals of desire As long as we were under the influence, we saw each other through rose-colored glasses We each felt as if we were the best we had ever been If, for a moment, we saw a glimpse of less than the best, we minimized it, trivialized it, forgot it, excused it, gave it a positive spin, decided we could change it, or blamed ourselves for making something big out of something so small The first time my fiancé, Mark, and I went to the movies, he presented his great Lott, Deborah A “Brain Development, Attachment and Impact on Psychic Vulnerability.” Psychiatric Times Vol 15, Issue May 1998 Singh, Supriya “Money, Marriage and the Computer.” Marriage & Family Review, Vol 24, No 34,1996 Spinella, Marcello, Yang, Bijou, and Lester, David “Prefrontal Systems in Financial Processing.” Journal of Socio-Economics Vol 36, Issue June 2007 Sullivan, Teresa A., Warren, Elizabeth, Westbrook, Jay Lawrence “Bankruptcy and the Family.” Marriage & Family Review, Vol 21, No 3-4, 1995 Van Boven, Leaf “Experientialism, Materialism, and the Pursuit of Happiness.” Review of General Psychology, Vol 9, No 2, 2005 Television and Radio Oprah, November 2007 The Today Show, October 15, 2007 20/20 “Doing Good and Feeling Better: Why Giving Back Could Make You Happier and Healthier.” August 20, 2007 Voice of America Broadcast, August 6, 2007 with Olivia Mellan and Dr Bonnie Eaker Weil Web Sites www.2-in-2-1.co.uk Kaye, Bryce “Marital First Aid Kid: Sneaky Spending Behavior.” “Personal Finance for Unmarried Couples.” Zaslow, Jeffrey “Financial Infidelity: When It’s OK to Shop Behind Your Spouse’s Back” from the Wall Street Journal online March 31, 2006 Regnier, Pat and Gengler, Amanda “Men, women and money.” March 14, 2006 Sahadi, Jeanne “Will Your Money Fights Lead to Divorce?” March 15, 2006 The Gottman Institute Shindler, Lisa “Postnups Becoming ‘New’ Prenups.” June 18, 2007 “New Survey Finds Common Financial Infidelity.” October 11, 2005 www.manangement-issues.com Amble, Brian “Why Powerful People Take More Risks.” September 19, 2006 “Can a Lack of Sleep Cause Psychiatric Disorders?” October 23, 2007 “SRI Medication Effective in Treating Compulsive Hoarding Patients.” October 25, 2006 “Financial Infidelity? Is Honesty the Policy?” January 31,2006 McGregor, Jena “Love & Money.” February 9, 2004 Todorova, Alesksandra “The Six Financial Mistakes Couples Make.” Vedantam, Shankar “Salary, Gender and the Social Cost of Haggling.” July 30, 2007 ABOUT THE AUTHOR Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD, has been an internationally acclaimed relationship therapist for thirty years and is the author of several books, including Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples (Adams Media, 2000), Adultery: The Forgivable Sin (Hudson House, 2003), Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery? (Infinity Publishing, 2004), and How Not to (S)Mother Your Man (Infinity Publishing, 2004) She specializes in counseling couples on the verge of a breakup, teaching them how to work through pain and anger to repair and strengthen their relationship Dr Bonnie has a phenomenal 98 percent success rate in keeping couples together in committed, loving relationships and is one of America’s best-known relationship experts She has been named by New York Magazine as one of the city’s top therapists, and Psychology Today named her one of America’s best therapists She has appeared on Oprah five times, was featured in a three-day series on the Today Show, a four-day series on dating and money for A Current Affair on the Fox network, and in a CNN documentary on infidelity She is a frequent expert on Fox TV, CNN, ABC, CBS, and NBC News Dr Bonnie has been a featured guest of The View, 20/20, and Fox’s O’Reilly Report, as well as Fox’s Fox and Friends, and appears as a contributor and expert consultant on top talk shows around the country In the past year, Dr Bonnie has been interviewed for articles on divorce and relationships published in The New York Times Style Section (Dec 2005) and Home Section (March 2006) She has discussed divorce, infidelity, and relationships in articles in People, Glamour, Marie Claire, Ladies Home Journal (“Can This Marriage Be Saved?” column), Cosmopolitan, Family Circle, Good Housekeeping, Redbook, Time Magazine, Men’s Health , Details, and First for Women She has also been featured in articles in USA Today , the New York Post , The New York Times , Daily Mirror (London), and Toronto Sun Her first book, Adultery: The Forgivable Sin, has sold over one hundred thousand copies and been translated into six languages: French, Spanish, Japanese, Chinese, Russian, and English Dr Bonnie also consulted on the adaptation of the book for television The movie Silence of Adultery, starring Kate Jackson, was produced for the Lifetime channel and is now available on video Dr Bonnie is rated Number on Yahoo’s Love and Sex Chats and is a favorite on the board for “Adultery: the Forgivable Sin,” where she chats with couples from around the globe who are trying to put their relationships back together She has also taught seminars on male / female communication at the 92nd Street Y in New York City and has conducted seminars at both Canyon Ranch in Arizona and The Learning Annex of New York A five-DVD series, Falling in Love and Staying in Love for Singles and Couples, featuring Smart Heart skills and dialogues for dating, couples, adultery, divorce, children, financial infidelity, and reromanticizing, is available through her web site Dr Bonnie is featured in the DVD series Falling in Love and Staying in Love (For Singles & Couples), including the DVDs: Financial Infidelity;Adultery, It’s Not Your Fault ; To Divorce or Not to Divorce; and Smart Heart Dialogue Dr Bonnie has helped thousands of singles and couples who have benefited from her diagnostic and therapeutic skills She has an active practice offering office visits, phone therapy, consultations, and seminars where she shares her insight and unique tools, exercises, and dialogues to help couples move through pain and anger to save their relationships A NOTE TO READERS FROM DR BONNIE Thousands of singles and couples have benefited from the safety of the Smart Heart skills, tools, and dialogue they’ve learned from me in seminars, consultations, and therapy sessions, both face-to-face and by phone I welcome you to share this wisdom and experience with me I can be reached at (212)606-3787 for more information regarding singles and couples, personal appearances, therapy sessions, lectures, and seminars You can also reach me through my web sites: e-mail: info@doctorbonnie.com Dr Bonnie’s introductory companion DVD, Financial Infidelity,is available on Learn how to utilize the “Smart Heart Money Love Language & Dialogue” skills and continue your journey of discovery INDEX Abusive relationships Acetylcholine Addiction, financial infidelity as Adultery:The Forgivable Sin (Eaker Weil) Aging parents, as financial stress Amygdala Anxious attachment to money Arguing style Attachment language Attachment skills Avoidant attachment to money Balance sheet creating Behavior modification Belly Laugh game Betrayal, feelings of Big Kids’ Fun game Binge spending Birthday gifts Black Tuesday exercise Bowen, Murray Brain-body connection Brain research Brain structure Breaking Up stage of relationship (see also Break Up with Your Money (Step )) Break Up with Your Money (Step ) (see also Smart Heart dialogues) Black Tuesday exercise Brush with Death exercise compartmentalize the cash “no-nup” agreements postnuptial (postmarriage) agreements prenuptial agreements to save relationship Break Up with (continued) types of attachment of money Withdrawals and Deposits exercise Brush with Death exercise Brush with Divorce exercise Buck, Ross Budget creating meetings Calculate the Cost (Step ) (see also Smart Hearth dialogues) Brush with Divorce exercise creating balance sheet creating budget creating shared perspective five-year goals IOUs and wish lists magical thinking Money Tree exercise Cerebellum Childhood development Children, as financial stress Children/Money/Relationship triangle Chronic conditions, as financial stress Churchill, Winston Clinton, Bill Cohabitation agreements financial implications for Columbia University Commitment, fear of Compulsive hoarding Confessing financial infidelity Confirmation bias Controlling financial personality Cortisol Courage to Be Rich,The (Orman) Creating Romantic and Sexual Relationship Vision exercise Creating Shared Financial Relationship Vision CreditCard.com Credit card debt, statistics on Credit card purchases (see Financial infidelity) CT (computed tomography) Current Biology Dating singles, Smart Heart dialogues for Death, as financial stess Define the Currency of Your Relationship (Step ) (see also Smart Heart dialogues) Brush with Death exercise Creating Shared Financial Relationship Vision determining real values financial implications for cohabitation Go Back to Your Partner in New Way learning to ask for what you need letting go of envy letting go of fears letting go of greed letting go of self-destructive impulses Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall exercise welcome feelings of gratitude and abundance Denial DHEA (dehydroepiandrosterone) Distancer role Divest Yourself of the Past (Step ) (see also Smart Heart dialogues) family financial legacy family moneygram negotiating transitional financial stresses understanding financial imago Divorce Don’t Speak exercise Dopamine Dowd, Maureen Do You Need to peel Powerful?” quiz Dream Big exercise Duke University EBT/BEAM (electron beam tomography) Emotional detachment to money Empathic accuracy Engagements, as financial stress Enhancing Trader Performance (Steenberger) Envy, letting go of Epinephrine (adrenaline) Estrogen Ethical wills Euphoria (honeymoon) stage of relationship European Journal of Social Psychology Examine Your Power Dynamic (Step ) (see also Smart Heart dialogues) abusive relationships fighting fair gender-related differences personal approach to power quizzes risk taking role-reversal power struggle understanding power dynamic Exercises (see also Smart Heart dialogues) Black Tuesday Brush with Death Brush with Divorce Compartmentalize the Cash Creating Balance Sheet Creating Budget Creating Romantic and Sexual Relationship Vision Creating Shared Financial Relationship Vision Don’t Speak Dream Big Family Letters Family Moneygram Five-Year Goals IOUs and Wish Lists Making the Love-Money Connection Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall Money Affirmations Money Mantra Money Tree Partner Affirmations Trading Places or “Kidnap Your Partner,” Understanding your Financial Imago Withdrawals and Deposits Write a Love Letter Family Letters exercise Family life scenario Family Moneygram Family money history Family/Money/Relationship triangle Fears, letting go of Fighting fair ten rules for Fight-or-flight response Financial fidelity contracts for Ten Commandments for financial Financial imagoes Financial infidelity, (see also Break Up with Your Money; Calculate the Cost; Define the Currency of Your Relationship; Divest Yourself of Past;, Examine Your Power Dynamic; Invest in Your Future; Refinance Your Relationship) as addiction as cause of relationship crisis confessing confronting external risk factors for personal risk factors for relationship risk factors for social pressures for suspecting as symptom of relationship crisis understanding warning signs of Financial Infidelity Risk Profile Financial operators Financial Personality Profile Financial stresses, negotiating transitional Fisher, Helen Fogarty, Thomas Forebrain (cerebrum) Frascella, Joseph Frontal lobes GABA (gamma-aminobutyric acid) Gambling Gastrointestinal system Gender roles Genogram Gershon, Michael Getting the Love You Want (Hendrix) Glutamate Go Back to Your Partner in New Way Gottman, John Gratitude and abundance, welcoming feelings of Greed, letting go of Grudge holding Guerin, Philip Harris polls Harvard Medical School Hendrix, Harville Hiding purchases (see Financial infidelity) High Jump game Hindbrain Hippocampus Histamine Hoarding Honeymoon stage of relationship (see Euphoria stage of relationship) Hormones Hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) Illness, as financial stress Imago Impulsive/self-centered financial personality Inherited money history Insomnia Invest in Your Future (Step ) (see also Smart Heart dialogues) awareness cheat sheet of common risk factors Ten Commandments for financial fidelity IOUs “I” sentences Job loss, as financial stress Journal of Socio-Economics Laws of Money,The (Orman) Lawyers.com Limbic system Lying to partners (see Financial infidelity) Magical Thinking stage of relationship (see also Calculate the Cost (Step )) Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love (Eaker Weil) Making the Love-Money Connection exercise Making Up stage of relationship (see also Define the Currency of Your Relationship (Step )) Marano, Hara Estroff Markman, Howard Married and committed couples, Smart Heart dialogues for Max, Sara Medulla (brain stem) Mellan, Olivia Merry-Go-Round game Midbrain Midlife, as financial stress Mindful Brain,The (Siegel) Miniconnections Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall exercise Money, types of attachment to Money Affirmations Money distancer role Moneygram Money Harmony (Mellan) Money Mantra Money pursuer role Money styles Money Talk Money Tree exercise Money triangles Monkey See, Monkey Do game Morrison, Jeffrey MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) Neurotransmitters “No-nup” agreements Norepinephrine (noradrenaline) Nucleus accumbens Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) Open-ended questioning Opposite personality traits Orbitofrontal cortex (OFC) Orman, Suze Overspending (see Financial infidelity) Oxytocin Partner Affirmations PayPal PEA (phenylethylamine) Personality Profile, Financial PET (positron emission tomography) Pillow fighting Playdates Postnuptial (postmarriage) agreements Power dynamic (see Examine Your Power Dynamic (Step )) Power Struggle stage of relationship (see also Examine Your Power Dynamic (Step )) Prenuptial agreements PREP (Premarital Relationship Enhancement Program) Promotion, as financial stress Pursuer role Real and Lasting Love stage of relationship (see also Invest in Your Future (Step )) Redbook magazine Refinance Your Relationship (Step ) (see also Smart Heart dialogues) attachment skills Creating Romantic and Sexual Relationship Vision exercise Don’t Speak exercise Making the Love-Money Connection exercise miniconnections playdates restoring sex and sizzle romance wreckers Trading Places or “Kidnap Your Partner” exercise using money the right way for romance Write a Love Letter exercise Relationship crisis financial infidelity as cause of financial infidelity as symptom of physical affairs Relationship stages (see also Financial infidelity) Breaking Up stage Euphoria (honeymoon) stage Magical Thinking stage Making Up stage Power Struggle stage Real and Lasting Love stage Relationship stages (continued) Reromanticizing stage Transition stage Relationship therapy Reromanticizing stage of relationship (see also Refinance Your Relationship (Step )) Retirement, as financial stress Retirement planning Revenge spending Risk factors for financial infidelity cheat sheet for common external personal relationship Risk taking Role-reversal power struggle Romance wreckers Roosevelt, Franklin Delano Scheier, Ivan Schore, Allan N Second Brain,The (Gershon) Secretive/sneaky financial personality Secret spending (see Financial infidelity) Secure attachment to money Self-destructive impulses, letting go of Self-sabotaging financial personality Serotonin Sex/Money/Relationship triangle Sex roles, traditional Sexual infidelity Warning signs of Shared perspective, importance of Siegel, Daniel Sleep deprivation Smart Heart dialogues for balancing financial and emotional expectations for breaking up for confessing financial infidelity for confronting financial infidelity for dating divorced man or woman for dating singles for discussing prenuptial agreements for divorced couples jump starts for balanced power dynamic jump starts for breaking up jump starts for financial and emotional balance jump starts for new beginning jump starts for reromanticizing relationship for married and committed couples for Money Tree memory for negotiating power struggle for prenuptial agreements for real and lasting love for reconnecting for restoring romance for sharing emotional and financial history Social pressures, financial infidelity and SPECT (single photo emission computed tomography) Spending or Saving/Money/Relationship triangle Stanford University Stanley, Scott Status items Steenberger, Brett N Steigerwald, Bill Step (see Calculate the Cost) Step (see Examine Your Power Dynamic) Step (see Divest Yourself of the Past) Step (see Break Up with Your Money) Step (see Define the Currency of Your Relationship) Step (see Refinance Your Relationship) Step (see Invest in Your Future) Stress hormones Tango magazine Tax returns Ten Commandments for financial fidelity Ten-Step Program for a Conscious Marriage (Hendrix) Testosterone Townhall.com Trading Places or “Kidnap Your Partner” exercise Transition stage of relationship (see also Divest Yourself of the Past (Step )) University of California—Berkeley University of Minnesota Values, determining real Vasopressin Ventral striatum Volkow, Nora VOLUNTAS Wealth, categories of Weddings, as financial stress Windfalls, unexpected Wish lists Withdrawals and Deposits exercise Withholding financial personality Work life scenario Write a Love Letter exercise Yale University School of Medicine “You” sentences ... live together or want to commit to living together, or who are engaged, who worry about how to deal with money issues if they take the next step and commit to marriage “Do we really have to talk... with them and with their families to help them learn how to identify and address the causes and symptoms of financial infidelity that were slowly but surely undermining their love Relationship therapy... not want the marriage to end and they decided to come in for counseling Despite the tension in the relationship, they admitted they still loved each other, although Suzanne was so hurt by the betrayal