Diary of a wimpy kid 1

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I’m very excited that you’re holding the Kindle edition ofDiary of a Wimpy Kid in your hands.

When I read my first e-book on a Kindle, I was amazed atthe possibilities Carrying a whole library around with me on adevice I could fit in the palm of my hand? Amazing.

What’s been very rewarding to me as an author has beenseeing kids carrying their dog-eared copies of Diary of aWimpy Kid with them The Kindle allows kids to have thewhole series at their fingertips, and the reading experienceis crisp and clean every time with no chance of today'sbreakfast staining the pages.

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September

Tuesday

First of all, let me get something straight: Thisis a Journal, not a diary I know what it

says on the cover, but when Mom went out tobuy this thing I specifically told her to

get one that didn’t say “diary” on it.

Great All I need is for some jerk to catch mecarrying this book around and get the wrong idea.

The other thing I want to clear up right awayis that this was mom’s idea, not mine.

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The only reason I agreed to do this at all isbecause I figure later on when I’m rich andfamous, I’ll have better things to do than

answer people’s stupid questions all day long Sothis book is gonna come in handy.

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Let me just say for the record that I think

middle school is the dumbest idea ever invented.You got kids like me who haven’t hit their

growth spurt yet mixed in with these gorillas whoneed to shave twice a day.

And then they wonder why bullying is such a bigproblem in middle school.

If it was up to me, grade levels would be basedon height, not age But then again, I guess

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Today is the first day of school, and right nowwe’re just waiting around for the teacher to hurryup and finish the seating chart So I figured Imight as well write in this book to pass the time.

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So in this class, I got stuck with Chris Hosey infront of me and Lionel James in back of me.

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Jason Brill came in late and almost sat to myright, but luckily I stopped that from happeningat the last second.

Next period, I should just sit in the middle of abunch of hot girls as soon as I step in the

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Man, I don’t know what is up with girls thesedays It used to be a whole lot simpler back inelementary school The deal was, if you were thefastest runner in your class, you got all the girls.

And in the fifth grade, the fastest runner wasRonnie McCoy.

Nowadays, it’s a whole lot more complicated Nowit’s about the kind of clothes you wear or howrich you are or if you have a cute butt or whatever.And kids like Ronnie McCoy are scratching theirheads wondering what the heck happened.

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Bryce have only come around in the last coupleof years.

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I remember how Bryce used to act back inelementary school.

But of course now I don’t get any credit forsticking with the girls all this time.

Like I said, Bryce is the most popular kid in ourgrade, so that leaves all the rest of us guysscrambling for the other spots.

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I try to explain all this popularity stuff to myfriend Rowley (who is probably hovering rightaround the 150 mark, by the way), but I thinkit just goes in one ear and out the other with him.

Today we had Phys Ed, so the first thing Idid when I got outside was sneak off to thebasketball court to see if the Cheese was stillthere And sure enough, it was.

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That piece of Cheese has been sitting on theblacktop since last spring I guess it must’ve

dropped out of someone’s sandwich or something.After a couple of days, the Cheese started gettingall moldy and nasty Nobody would play basketball onthe court where the Cheese was, even though thatwas the only court that had a hoop with a net.

Then one day, this kid named Darren Walshtouched the Cheese with his finger, and that’swhat started this thing called the Cheese Touch.It’s basically like the Cooties If you get theCheese Touch, you’re stuck with it until youpass it on to someone else.

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Cheese Touch is to cross your fingers.

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But it’s not that easy remembering to keep yourfingers crossed every moment of the day I endedup taping mine together so they’d stay crossedall the time I got a D in handwriting, but itwas totally worth it.

This one kid named Abe Hall got the Cheese

Touch in April, and nobody would even come nearhim for the rest of the year This summer Abemoved away to California and took the CheeseTouch with him.

I just hope someone doesn’t start the CheeseTouch up again, because I don’t need that kindof stress in my life anymore.

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My summer did not exactly get off to a greatstart, thanks to my older brother Rodrick.

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A couple of days into summer vacation, Rodrickwoke me up in the middle of the night He toldme I slept through the whole summer, but thatluckily I woke up just in time for the firstday of school.

You might think I was pretty dumb for fallingfor that one, but Rodrick was dressed up in hisschool clothes and he set my alarm clock ahead tomake it look like it was the morning Plus, heclosed my curtains so I couldn’t see that it wasstill dark out.

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like I do every morning on a school day.

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But I guess I must have made a pretty bigracket because the next thing I knew, Dad wasdownstairs, yelling at me for eating Cheerios at3:00 in the morning.

It took me a minute to figure out what the heckwas going on.

After I did, I told Dad that Rodrick had

played a trick on me, and He was the one thatshould be getting yelled at.

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Rodrick out, and I tagged along I couldn’t

wait to see Rodrick get what was coming to him.

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But Rodrick covered up his tracks pretty good.And to this day, I’m sure Dad thinks I’ve

got a screw loose or something.

Today at school we got assigned to reading groups.

They don’t come right out and tell you ifyou’re in the Gifted group or the Easy group,but you can figure it out right away by lookingat the covers of the books they hand out.

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I was pretty disappointed to find out I gotput in the Gifted group, because that just meansa lot of extra work.

When they did the screening at the end of lastyear, I did my best to make sure I got put inthe Easy group this year.

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Mom is always saying I’m a smart kid, but thatI just don’t “apply” myself.

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Actually, I’m kind of glad my plan to get putin the Easy group didn’t work.

I saw a couple of the “Bink Says Boo” kidsholding their books upside down, and I don’tthink they were joking.

Well, the first week of school is finally over, sotoday I slept in.

Most kids wake up early on Saturday to watchcartoons or whatever, but not me The only reasonI get out of bed at all on weekends is becauseeventually, I can’t stand the taste of my ownbreath anymore.

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Unfortunately, Dad wakes up at 6:00 in themorning no matter what day of the week itis, and he is not real considerate of the factthat I am trying to enjoy my Saturday likea normal person.

I didn’t have anything to do today so I justheaded up to Rowley’s house.

Rowley is technically my best friend, but that isdefinitely subject to change.

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school, when he did something that reallyannoyed me.

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We were getting our stuff from our lockers atthe end of the day, and Rowley came up to meand said—

I have told Rowley at least a billion times thatnow that we’re in middle school, you’re supposedto say “hang out,” not “play.” But no matter

how many noogies I give him, he always forgetsthe next time.

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having Rowley around is definitely not helping.

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I met Rowley a few years ago when he movedinto my neighborhood.

His mom bought him this book called “How toMake Friends in New Places,” and he came tomy house trying all these dumb gimmicks.

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It’s been great having him around, mostly becauseI get to use all the tricks Rodrick pulls on me.

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You know how I said I play all sorts of prankson Rowley? Well, I have a little brother namedManny, and I could never get away with

pulling any of that stuff on him.

Mom and Dad protect Manny like he’s a prince orsomething And he never gets in trouble, even ifhe really deserves it.

Yesterday, Manny drew a self-portrait on mybedroom door in permanent marker I thoughtMom and Dad were really going to let him haveit, but as usual, I was wrong.

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But the thing that bugs me the most about

Manny is the nickname he has for me When hewas a baby, he couldn’t pronounce “brother,”so he started calling me “Bubby.” And hestill calls me that now, even though I keeptrying to get Mom and Dad to make him stop.

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Mom makes me help Manny get ready for school inthe morning After I make Manny his breakfast,he carries his cereal bowl into the family room andsits on his plastic potty.

And when it’s time for him to go to day care, hegets up and dumps whatever he didn’t eat right inthe toilet.

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every morning, she wouldn’t have much of anappetite either.

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I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but Iam super good at video games I’ l bet Ilcould beat anyone in my grade head-to-head.

Unfortunately, Dad does not exactly appreciatemy skills He’s always getting on me about goingout and doing something “active.”

So tonight after dinner when Dad startedhassling me about going outside, I tried to

explain how with video games, you can play sportslike football and soccer, and you don’t even get allhot and sweaty.

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But as usual, Dad didn’t see my logic.

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Dad is a pretty smart guy in general but whenit comes to common sense, sometimes I wonderabout him.

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Every time Dad kicks me out of the house to dosomething sporty, I just go up to Rowley’s andplay my video games there.

Unfortunately, the only games I can play at

Rowley’s are car-racing games and stuff like that.

Because whenever I bring a game up to Rowley’shouse, his dad looks it up on some parents’ Website And if my game has any kind of fightingor violence in it, he won’t let us play.

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Rowley is name your car something ridiculous atthe beginning of the game.

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And then when you pass Rowley’s car, he justfalls to pieces.

Anyway, after I got done mopping the floorwith Rowley today, I headed home I ran

through the neighbor’s sprinkler a couple times tomake it look like I was all sweaty, and that

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Wednesday

But my trick kind of backfired, because as soonas Mom saw me, she made me go upstairs andtake a shower.

I guess Dad must have been pretty happy withhimself for making me go outside yesterday,because he did it again today.

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Fregley is in my Phys Ed class at school, and hehas this whole made-up language Like when heneeds to go to the bathroom, he says—

Us kids have pretty much figured Fregley out bynow, but I don’t think the teachers have reallycaught on yet.

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on my own anyway, because my brother Rodrickand his band were practicing down in the basement.

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Rodrick’s band is really awful, and I can’t

stand being home when they’re having rehearsals.

His band is called “Loaded Diaper,” only it’sspelled “Löded Diper” on Rodrick’s van.

You might think he spelled it that way to make itlook cooler, but I bet if you told Rodrick how

“Loaded Diaper” is really spelled, it would be newsto him.

Dad was against the idea of Rodrick starting aband, but Mom was all for it.

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drum set.

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I think Mom has this idea that we’re all goingto learn to play instruments and then become oneof those family bands like you see on tv.

Dad really hates heavy metal, and that’s thekind of music Rodrick and his band play I don’tthink Mom really cares what Rodrick plays or listensto, because to her, all music is the same In

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That really bugged Rodrick, so he drove off tothe store and came back fifteen minutes laterwith some headphones And that pretty muchtook care of the problem.

Yesterday Rodrick got a new heavy metal CD,and it had one of those “Parental Warning”stickers on it.

I have never gotten to listen to one of those

Parental Warning CDs, because Mom and Dad neverlet me buy them at the mall So I realized the onlyway I was gonna get a chance to listen to

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This morning, after Rodrick left, I called up Rowleyand told him to bring his CD player to school.

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Then I went down to Rodrick’s room and tookthe CD off his rack.

You’re not allowed to bring personal music playersto school, so we had to wait to use it until afterlunch when the teachers let us outside As soonas we got the chance, me and Rowley snuckaround the back of the school and loaded upRodrick’s CD.

But Rowley forgot to put batteries in his CDplayer, so it was pretty much worthless.

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head and then try to shake them off withoutusing your hands.

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The winner was whoever could shake the headphonesoff in the shortest amount of time.

I had the record with seven and a half seconds,but I think I might have shook some of myfillings loose with that one.

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But I think she had the wrong idea about whatwe were doing back there She started telling ushow rock and roll is “evil” and how it’s going toruin our brains.

I was going to tell her that there weren’t evenany batteries in the CD player, but I could tell shedidn’t want to be interrupted So I just waiteduntil she was done, and then I said, “Yes, ma’am.”

But right when Mrs Craig was about to let us

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Honestly, sometimes I don’t know about that boy.

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Well, now I’ve gone and done it.

Last night, after everyone was in bed, I snuckdownstairs to listen to Rodrick’s CD on thestereo in the family room.

I put Rodrick’s new headphones on and crankedup the volume really high Then I hit “play.”

First, let me just say I can definitely understandwhy they put that “Parental Warning” stickeron the CD.

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But I only got to hear about thirty seconds ofthe first song before I got interrupted.

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It turns out I didn’t have the headphones pluggedinto the stereo So the music was actually comingthrough the speakers, not the headphones.

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Whenever Dad says “friend” that way, you knowyou’re in trouble The first time Dad ever said“friend” like that to me, I didn’t get that he wasbeing sarcastic So I kind of let my guard down.

I don’t make that mistake anymore.

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The good thing about Dad is that when he getsmad, he cools off real quick, and then it’s over.

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Usually, if you mess up in front of Dad, he justthrows whatever he’s got in his hands at you.

Mom has a totally different style when it

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a few days to figure out what your punishmentshould be.

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And while you’re waiting, you do all these nicethings to try to get off easier.

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This video game ban is a whole lot tougher thanI thought it would be But at least I’m not theonly one in the family who’s in trouble.

Rodrick’s in some hot water with Mom right now,too Manny got ahold of one of Rodrick’s heavymetal magazines, and one of the pages had apicture of a woman in a bikini lying across thehood of a car And then Manny brought it intoday care for show-and-tell.

Anyway, I don’t think Mom was too happy aboutgetting that phone call.

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anything to get worked up over But Mom doesn’tallow that kind of stuff in the house.

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Wednesday

I’m still grounded from playing video games, soManny has been using my system Mom went out andbought a whole bunch of educational video games,and watching Manny play them is like torture.

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Thursday

At school today, they announced that student

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Friday

And even better

Nobody ever thinks about running for Treasurer, because all anyone ever cares about are the big- ticket positions like President and Vice President So I figure if I sign up tomorrow, the

Treasurer job is pretty much mine for the taking.