IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER 70 91 miracel juanta

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #70 Posted by Miracel Juanta The following essay is from Ron Stan Question: It is inevitable that as technology develops so traditional cultures must be lost Technology and tradition are incompatible – you cannot have both together To what extent you agree or disagree? One of the paramount concerns of the world today is the coexistence of technology and tradition The fact cannot be denied that as we are grasping the technology more and more tightly, our hold of culture is getting loosened However, it is possible to strike a correct balance between both Firstly, it is only because of technological advancement that, the nations are aware of the cultures which exist in other countries For instance, India is a land of heritages, values and customs, but it was only after the world media captured this beauty that the tourist from across the continent came to enjoy its traditional taste Secondly, modern technological equipment and expertise helped to restore many long lost cultures To cite an example; Aboriginal language which was on the verge of extinction, was revived by recent scientific techniques In addition to that, Aboriginal arts, have acquired worldwide recognition because they have been showcased the world over There is no contradicting of the point that, owing to modern machinery many traditional skills have been lost like; weaving and pottery making However, one has to accept the fact that the world is moving ahead and we cannot cling to the obsolete method of doing a thing It is only sensible to adopt the change which helps you to move forward rather than one which drags you behind To sum up, mankind will only gain by reviving the traditional skills We must have a wellbalanced view to reap the benefits of both to the fullest, for both have their own positive and negative aspects 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT You were able to achieve the task by giving your views about technology and tradition You gave specific examples to support your main points LEXICAL RESOURCE Vocabulary is varied: modern machinery, reviving, showcased, techniques COHERENCE AND COHESION Good transition words: to sum up, firstly, secondly Points are clear, logical and to the point GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY No grammar errors noted IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #71 Posted by Miracel Juanta The following letter was written by Sharon You recently bought a piece of equipment for your kitchen but it did not work You phoned the shop but no action was taken.Write a letter to the shop manager In your letter • describe the problem with the equipment • explain what happened' when you phoned the shop • say what you would like the manager to Dear sir or madam, This letter is in relation to a complaint regarding a microwave oven purchased by me from your shop The equipment bearing item number A765 was purchased last week on October 2011 and the same was delivered by your staff at my home Upon delivery, I tried to operate it; however, the moment I plugged it in to the socket a big short circuit occurred I immediately called your customer service department and informed them about this problem They took all the necessary details and assured me that they will send a personnel to survey the same and based on his survey an appropriate action would be taken However, a week has passed now and no action has been taken yet, in spite of the fact that I called your department numerous times I would appreciate if you could kindly look in to the matter and escalate the process Further, since the item is under warranty, I would prefer it being replaced rather than being repaired I hope to hear from you soon and expect that my matter would be resolved on an urgent basis Yours faithfully, Sharon Murali Wordcount: 197 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT You were able to achieve the task by giving the details about the broken microwave and what happened during the phone call However, your wordcount is 197 Reduce to 150-165 words LEXICAL RESOURCE Vocabulary is varied: personnel, socket, circuit "Escalate" should be "expedite" COHERENCE AND COHESION Points are clear and logical There were some transition words used: further, however Improve organization by using the 3-paragraph format: Introduction-problem with equipment Body-what happened when you called Conclusion-action required GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY There were no grammar errors noted IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #72 Posted by Miracel Juanta Tags : IELTS, writing The following essay discusses the reasons why we need music Q:-There are many different types of music in the world today, why we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard every where nowadays? Ans:Music plays vital role in development and creativity of our mind Its popularity among people has contributed towards its diversity However, international music is more famous nowadays, but it is agreed that traditional music has more significance over earlier due to its origination and diversity To begin with, it is generally argued that traditional music has laid foundation for other forms of music For example, Early Indian settlers started singing only tones, which further have been added with words Initially, people started to sing and dance with limited knowledge of tones and musical instruments, owing to the fact that they have taken first step to produce and improve level of music Thus, it is clear that traditional music has more implications over international music Secondly, supporters often believe that diversity of traditional music depicts unique identity of an ethnic group For instance, In Indian festival called, "Holi" people used to have bonfire and offers prayers in a pleasant rhythmic way, eventually, developing it into a complete musical and colorful event Every folk music has place for all sort of events of life i.e Birth, festivals, engagement, marriage, day to day events, demise, hope, love and nature etc As a result, such diversity in cultural music reflects richness of culture and local customs After analyzing traditional music's foundational and cultural aspects, it has been proven that it has great importance over international music which makes it stand out from the crowd Thus, it is hoped that forthcoming generations will always continue to appreciate folk music in order to preserve true musical essence 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT You were able to achieve the task by giving the advantages of traditional music over international music However, you didn't provide the reasons why we need music Add another paragraph focusing on the uses of music to make it five paragraphs LEXICAL RESOURCE Vocabulary is varied: diversity, implications, rhythmic, demise However, change "origination" to "origin." COHERENCE AND COHESION Paragraphs are clear, logical and organized Good use of transition words: secondly, thus, for instance, as a result GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY No grammar errors noted IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #73 The following IELTS essay is from Ha Nguyen The essay shows the reasons why there is an increase in violence among the youth today Topic: Recent figures show an increase in violent increase crime among youngsters under the age of 18 Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers To what extent you agree or disagree with this opinion It is obvious that our modern lives today have experienced a considerable rise in teenage violence, especially for those under the age of eighteen Some psychologists attribute this situation to the responsibility of teachers and parents In fact, they not provide children with necessary social and emotion knowledge.As far as I am concerned, I strongly agree with this opinion because of some following reasons Firstly, it is undeniable that many teachers are in favour of old-fashioned approach to student's academic performance This means that they only put emphasis on knowledge in main subjects such as literature, maths, history, biology and neglect to convey pratical knowledge in reality For example, a large number of students may be outstanding in their disciplines but they not have full awareness of violence's definition, potential causes as well as severe consequences As a result, lack of realistic perception creeps up on children to commit violent crimes Secondly, some parents does not give their children essential support in daily lives Actually, the dizzying pace of lives makes parents be flooded with an enormous volume of work and robs them of time to take care of children Being devoid of love and sympathy can make children be cruel and unsociable to others Moreover, getting out of parent's control may expose children to damaging websites including rebellious actions They easily imitate what they see and behave in negative ways In conclusion, teachers and parents are largely responsible for the popularity of violence among younsters In fact, they not help chidren dig deep into knowlegde about violence and give them necessary attention If these matters are still common, level of teenage violence is more and more escalating Wordcount: 281 TASK ACHIEVEMENT You were able to achieve the task by giving your reasons why you agree that violence stems from lack of parental and teacher control You gave concrete examples to prove your point However, your wordcount is 281 Reduce to 250-265 words to save time and minimize errors LEXICAL RESOURCE You have a wide vocabulary range: dig deep, dizzying pace of lives, devoid of love, realistic perception COHERENCE AND COHESION There are a number of transition words used: as a result, firstly, secondly, for example, in conclusion However, it would be better if you use the five-paragraph format: Introduction Body Paragraph – Agree Body Paragraph – Agree Body Paragraph – Disagree Conclusion GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY There are some grammar errors: some parents does not give, younsters, knowlegde IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #74 The following IELTS writing makeover was written by Dalib He writes about his lost bag Write a thank you letter to the public transport authority about the manager who helped you to find something you lost and say - What did you lose? - Why was it so important to you? - How did the manager help you find it? Dear Sir, I am writing to appreciate the work done by Mr James homes to recover my lost bag Last month I was on a business trip and on 26th March, I was travelling from Mumbai to Delhi by Mumbai Express train During this journey, someone stole my suitcase which had very important documents related to my business Since it was a night journey and my berth was an upper berth, I had locked my suitcase under the lower berth before I left for my berth But when I can down at Kohla station to have some drinks, I realised that my suitcase was not there I immediately went to Mr James as he was the station master of that stop and registered a case of stealing He took all my details and advised me to continue my journey When I reached to Delhi, I called Mr James to follow up on the case But after couple of weeks, I lost the hope of getting the suitcase back But last Saturday, I received a call from Mr James and he told me that my suitcase had been found While talking to him, I came to know he was constantly and closing monitoring the case I really want to thank him for his efforts and dedication on the case and I feel he is a desorbing person You must consider him for bigger roles in your organisation Yours faithfully, Dalib Wordcount: 239 TASK ACHIEVEMENT You were able to give concrete details about the lost bag and what the manager did to recover it However, the reasons why it's important is limited Wordcount is 239 Limit it to 150-165 to save time and minimize errors LEXICAL RESOURCE Vocabulary is fair: registered, station master COHERENCE AND COHESION Transition words are repetitive and minimal: but Organization needs improvement Use the 3paragraph format: Introduction-purpose Body-reasons for the importance of the lost bag Conclusion – action done by the manager GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ORGANIZATION There are some grammar errors: desorbing, closing monitoring IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #75 The following IELTS writing makeover is from Bright He writes his views on books vs Internet Question * with the increase in use of the internet,books will soon become unnecessary *to what extent u agree or disagree with this statement Answer Books are essential source of information in the globe everyone often study books during their life.It helps many people to acheive their goals and makes their life wealthy.But nowedays the impartance of books is decreasing day by day because of the influence of internet.Bases of my views are general,acadamical,personal Generally says,although books have wide range of information,people prefer internet than books to getting information because of certain advandages.In our mordern competitive society people encourage their kids to use internet from their early stage.So the usage of books falling day by day From acadamical point of view,Instutions teach their students about internet from primary level, and student become expert user of internet at intermediate level.Although instutions teach subjects through books and internet,internet dominate books.So i strongly agree with ur point Personaly says,eventhough internet has lot of information,affect humen creativity power for instance,ancient days without internet resourses scientist Newton discovered theory of gravity that is the most impartant theory for survival of human in the earth is the amaizing evidence of human creativity.Why dont these discoveries happens today? Reason is internet that dominate human brain In conclusion,if the usage of internet incresing,decrease the usage of books as well our creativity power one day we would be a machine.So please study books a lot and discover new useful things in our world impartant, amaizing, incresing, mordern, discoveries happens these days, internet that dominate, WORDCOUNT: 218 TASK ACHIEVEMENT You wrote only 218 words when it should be 250 words You did give reasons why internet will dominate books However, the examples not support your main view LEXICAL RESOURCE Vocabulary is limited Wordcount is only 218 It should be 250-265 words COHERENCE AND COHESION Major points are unclear, and examples are illogical There are attempts to use transition words: although, in conclusion GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY There are many grammar and spelling errors: books are essential source, acheive, impartance, advandages, instutions, ur, acadamical, humen, personaly IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #76 The following IELTS Writing Makeover is from Vishal He writes a letter to the city council about a historical building in their town There is a historical building in your town and the city council wants to pull it down, because there is no money for repairs You are not happy with this decision Write a letter to the city council and say – Why is the building important? – Suggest a solution to finance the repairs Dear Sir/Madam, My name is Vishal from Edgecliff, Sydney I am writing this letter to bring to your attention to council's latest assessment on bringing down Town hall Until quite recently, I had a great faith in local governing body's decision making ability Unfortunately, the recent resolution of building a shopping centre by pulling Town hall down does not make any sense to me During my stay, I invariably found that it was has been built on rare architect and it is the last monument of its kind in entire Australia Further to add, this is the oldest building of our suburb and home for numerous charity organizations It might be hard for municipality to arrange required finance for maintenance purpose However, it is not impossible Local government can diverse funds by limiting sponsorship to less important events, for example, weekly footy game Moreover, there should be reasonable access fee as well if people want to use it for social gathering functions [Extra Start] I strongly believe that it will raise required awareness among junta and will give council enough time to have another look into this.[Extra End] Thank you very much for your time and consideration I appreciate your concern and I look forward to your response Yours faithfully, Vishal Wordcount: 211 TASK ACHIEVEMENT You were able to give reasons why the building is important You provided solutions to avert the pulling down of Town Hall However, your wordcount is 211 Reduce to 150-165 words to minimize errors LEXICAL RESOURCE Vocabulary is varied but some words are inappropriate: junta, diverse, architect Avoid wordiness and use more straightforward language : in local governing body's decision making ability COHERENCE AND COHESION Paragraphs are clear, logical and to the point There are a number of transition words used: moreover, for example, further to add GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY There are minor grammar errors but they don't impede in comprehension: a great faith IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #77 The following IELTS Writing Makeover is from Kien The essay compares internet with newspapers Even so,the advantages of spending money on arts can not be overlooked.The most critical positive effect of that investing is the society cohesion enhanced by arts.Arts like music and painting are part of our culture and culture gives identity to the country.As a result, we should embrace the works of the hands of our countrymen.By appreciating arts ,individuals from different parts of the nation could feel connected and related.Moreover,arts like music and painting can help us release tension and express our emotions As humans, most of us find an outlet for our creative and emotinal sides and the best way to express this is through arts like music and painting As far as I am concerned,our government is responsible for improving the quality of people's lives both physically and spiritually,therefore proper amount of money should be allocated wisely on arts to promote the prospects of local culture.Only by this can we progress our society in a more balanced and more sustainable way.otherwise we would lost ourselves in the urbanization process and get isolated from each other Wordcount: 362 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT You were able to state clearly your position on government funding for the arts However, wordcount is 362 Reduce to 250-265 words to minimize errors and to save time LEXICAL RESOURCE Good vocabulary range: allocated, long-run financial support, overlooked COHERENCE AND COHESION You’ve made use of good transition words to connect sentences and paragraphs: otherwise, moreover, furthermore However, improve clarity of paragraphs by having only one main point per paragraph Improve organization by using the 5-paragraph format: Introduction Body Paragraph Body Paragraph Body Paragraph Conclusion GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY There are a number of grammar errors found: there’re, would lost Split run-on sentences into two and remove redundant phrases: “Some people argue that arts like painting and music fail to directly improve people's quality of life and consequently government should allocate money on other things like infrastructures to promote people's quality of life.” “Arts investment includes establishIng corresponding education system and training professional teachers apart from building classrooms and purchasing instruments and equipments ,which requires long-run financial support from the government and is definitely a heavy burden on their budget.” IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #84 The following essay was written by Sakhti He discusses the advantages and disadvantages of living in an apartment Some people believe that people living in apartments feel unhappy and lonely Others, however, argue that living in apartment has more advantages than disadvantages Discuss both views abd give your opinion Since the dawn of time, human beings began to residing in several forms of accommodations such as caves, huts, shelters, independent houses, lodges and apartments However, the contemporary trend seems to be is that myriad populace show predilection to accommodate in high-rise flats and this fashion is ballooning at a rapid pace On the one hand, there are people censuring this development point out that this life style has more detrimental efforts than beneficial values On the other hand, there are many who support this approach list out manifold profits to the dwellers Here, both of these perceptions will be meticulously critiqued before establishing an inference According to one camp, people who criticize living in apartment building indicate that this way of living not only destructs their happiness but also separates them from the society A good case in point is point is that by and large, residents in dwelling are keen to maintain privacy and would not even consider helping neighborhoods in emergency circumstances such as medical assistance, first aid or caring child for a while Moreover, the recent news published in “ India today” magazine divulged a concerning issue that almost 80% of the crimes happened in metropolitan cities in the year 2011 transpired in these vulnerable tenements As a result, inhabitants worry a lot about their safety and are not jubilant dwelling in flats Hence, it is pellucid why many people gravitate towards this opinion Nevertheless, in accordance with other camp, people who are at loggerheads wrangle that apartment lives bring various higher living standards and social awareness An ideal illustrate to support this in action is that in India, most of apartment residences provide ultimate facilities namely swimming pool, gymnasium, garden, community clubs ans so on Consequently, this facilitates dwellers in apartment house to get to know each other and develop their personal and social skills and enjoy really well in this inductive environment Therefore, there is no surprise why many people show penchant towards this perception In synopsis, following the perusal of both viewpoints, it is lucid that residing in an apartment has more pros than cons Further, it is prognosticated that more and more people in the future will prefer to dwelling in high-rise building because of the salient features offered and government will take some redial actions to ensure the protection of dwellers 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT You were able to provide both points of view You gave concrete examples to support your arguments However, wordcount is 390 Reduce to 250-265 words to save time and minimize errors LEXICAL RESOURCE Vocabulary is varied but avoid technical vocabulary and wordiness as not to affect comprehension of the paragraphs e.g prognosticated, perusal, predilection, loggerheads COHERENCE AND COHESION Good transition words such as consequently, further, therefore However, improve organization by using the 5-paragraph format: Introduction Body Paragraph 1- Agree Body Paragraph – Agree Body Paragraph – Disagree GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY There are some grammar errors: To residing, ideal illustrate, ans so on, prefer to dwelling, redial actions IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #85 The following IELTS essay is from May of China She talks about her views regarding money leading to happiness Money if only just sufficient for your needs leads to happiness Money in excess may lead to many problems Do you agree or disagree? It is undeniable that money plays one of the most important roles in everyone's life Some people think that problems are created when people have a huge amount of money and life will be more enjoyable if people have just right amount of financial income This view will be supported by analyzing how rich people pose problems to a society and how people live happily when they have just enough money to live First of all, most of the criminals from juvenile delinquencies come from privileged families For example, these days, many youngsters from rick families join gang groups, involve in drugs smuggling and a group fight This is because such young adolescents not have a responsibility for their families or their income since they comes from a strong financial background whereas youths from middle-income families probably have to take care of their own expenses Thus, it is clear that young people from rice families creates more problems than that of from middle class families In addition to this, people from neither very rich nor very poor families enjoy their lives peacefully with their loved ones For instance, recent statistics revealed that people from a middle socio-economic status has the highest percentage of satisfaction with their lives compared to the participants from lower or higher financial status From this, it is believed that middle class people are not as busy as people from others classes which allow middle incomers to spend more time with their families and enjoy their lives In a nutshell, it is believed that people not need a lot of money to live happily in their lives In addition, more and more problems are imposed when people have too much free time and excess amount of money 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT You were able to give your views on why just sufficient money can lead to happiness You gave concrete examples to prove your point However, discuss also the opposite point of view LEXICAL RESOURCE Good range of vocabulary: higher financial status, strong financial background, middle incomers COHERENCE AND COHESION Good transition words were used: first of all, in addition, in a nutshell, for instance Improve organization by using the 5-paragraph format: Introduction Body Par 1- Agree Body Par 2- Agree Body Par – Disagree Conclusion GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY There are some grammar errors : Rick families = rich families Rice families = rich families people from a middle socio-economic status has the highest percentage of satisfaction = people from a middle socio-economic status have the highest percentage of satisfaction they comes = they come young people from rice families creates more problems = young people from rich families create more problem IELTS Writing Makeover #86 The following essay was written by Jana from the Philippines She writes her arguments regarding prevention of crime Crime is a big problem in the world; many believe that nothing can be done to prevent it To what extent you agree or disagree? Give your own opinion It is common for most countries to have problems dealing with crimes It seems that not only in third world countries are this criminals rampant but in almost all parts of the world Issues concerning criminal punishments and preventions come up; however, not everyone is convinced that such heinous acts are preventable Some people might believe that it is difficult for crimes to be stopped This is because of how intense and abundant the cases already are Despite the laws and policies implemented by the government, still, criminals are able to continuously harm citizens Not only does it affect locals, most criminals of a particular country are able to infiltrate other countries with the same scheme This could prove that even international laws, no matter how strict it is, can no longer prevent cases of felony In example, those Russian pedophiles are now able to put up an office in a province in the Philippines victimizing and inviting young people in pornography On the other hand, I believe that these crimes can be prevented Many factors can affect the way a person thinks that will affect his or her actions One way is the development of morals and values of the young which starts at home and school Parents have the responsibility of nurturing children to become good citizens The government also plays a very important role in prevention of violent acts Stricter laws should be implemented and people should see that punishments are really given to those law breakers To prevent crimes, policemen should be trained well to detect possible or suspected criminals Poor economic status also could contribute to the rising number of crimes The government should provide better programs to aid in poverty This can help lessen the number of criminal cases In conclusion, I strongly believe that crimes can be avoided The government and the citizens all play important roles to help achieve a peaceful environment 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT The task requires you to agree or disagree whether crime cannot be prevented The arguments are illogical since they give causes and solutions to crimes LEXICAL RESOURCE Good crime vocabulary was used: suspected criminals, violent acts, criminal cases COHERENCE AND COHESION Good transition words were used: on the other hand, in conclusion Improve organization by using the 5-paragraph format: Introduction BP1- Disagree BP2 – Disagree BP3- Agree GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY There are a few grammar errors found: This criminals = these criminals IELTS Writing Makeover #87 Posted by Miracel Juanta Tags : IELTS, writing The following IELTS essay was written by Adham He argues against the negative effects of IT In the last 20 years there have been significant developments in the field of information technology (IT), for example the World Wide Web and communication by email However, these developments in IT are likely to have more negative effects than positive in the future To what extent you agree with this view? A prominent advancement has been observed in domain of information technology (IT), like web network and emailing service, in last decades There exists both positive and negative outcomes of this change, but I not believe that, in the long run, the negative side going to outweight the positive one As far as the disadvantages of IT are concerned, it imposes huge impact on the mentality of young generation Firstly, the students are getting more and more reliable on internet for their home work which is suppressing their mental growth For example, the assignments given at school are done by the students by searching on google or wikipedia as a mass compendium of information is available to them Furthermore, pornography on websites are available to underage children because they can easily claim to be an adult on the internet However I believe IT has provided us much more benefits that will also be of service to mankind in future Thanks to this development, the people around the world can keep updated by what is happening anywhere From any research finding to fashion activities, all are instantly available on the internet Moreover, e-mailing and voice communication has provided easiness in global business communication which would take much more time through post otherwise Like this era, I think the negative effect of IT could never out run the positives While, on the other hand, it could possible that with further advancement of this technology we could get our hands on the negatives 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT You were able to give your reasons why you disagree that there are more negative effects than positive effects However, avoid having multiple main points in one paragraph LEXICAL RESOURCE Good technology vocabulary: e-mailing, voice communication, web network, mass compendium COHERENCE AND COHESION Good transition words were used: firstly, for example, however, on the other hand However, improve organization by using the 5-paragraph format: Introduction Body Paragraph – Disagree Body Paragraph – Disagree Body Paragraph –Agree Conclusion GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY There are some grammar errors: missing articles - in domain of information technology - in last decades - imposes huge impact - of young generation - on internet - in future misspelled words - outweight - underage children missing verbs - negative side going - it could possible subject-verb agreement - pornograph on websites are available capitalization -google/wikipedia IELTS Writing Makeover #88 The following essay was written by Ta Gia Hung and the essay discusses about whether learning the culture of a country is important in language learning Topic: In order to learn a language well, we should learn about the country as well as the cultures and lifestyles of the people who speak it To what extent you agree or disagree? Studying second language has recently been an increasing trend as linguistic ability is a mandatory requirement in many prestigious companies There is an idea maintaining that beside language, it is vitally important to understand the nation and cultural life as well In my opinion, I am totally for this viewpoint because of the following reasons It is inevitable that a language takes its roots in a community, so different community has different pronunciation and different way of writing Hence, studying its starting point provides a best opportunity to figure out the way native people use their language Reality has shown that the person who studies abroad master that country’s language in the shortest time Another crucial cause worth discussing is that way of learning help you to understand metaphors of native speakers, while the other method fails and gives you a slim chance to have a conversation when you travel abroad For instance, a word “nice” has a positive meaning, but when a girl talks to her boy: “I think you are nice”, it is absolutely followed with the word “but” after that, meaning she wants to break up On the other hand, voices from the other side can also be heard against this learning tactic, saying that it is so time-consuming However, they might be further from the truth As you approach language from its beginning, you can thoroughly understand that language, thereby not restraining you from quickly mastering it In conclusion, if you want to completely fulfill one language, setting your starting point from its culture is the practical and intellectual strategy Word count: 264 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT You were able to give your arguments why learning the culture is important in language learning You gave concrete examples to prove your point However, improve conclusion by summarizing the main points of your essay LEXICAL RESOURCE Good topic specific vocabulary: learning tactic, intellectual strategy, time-consuming COHERENCE AND COHESION Good transition words were used: on the other hand, in conclusion, for instance Paragraphs are generally clear, logical and to the point GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY There are some minor grammar errors but they not affect communication: Studying second language – studying a second language Beside language = besides language that the person who studies abroad master that country’s language – that the person who studies abroad masters that country’s language IELTS Writing Makeover #89 The following letter was written by Butch from the Philippines He writes a complaint letter regarding an erroneous bank transaction You received a letter from your bank stating that you will be charged $35 for a banking service you didn't use.You know that this information is incorrect - Write what the erroneous banking service is - explain why this is in error - Describe what you would like the bank to about it Dear Sir , I am writing you in response to a letter that I received from your bank yesterday As I understand, it stated there that there was a $35 that was charged on my account after completing a wire transfer I would like to express my dissatisfaction about this as I am not aware of such transaction and paying a certain amount for a service that I did not even made makes me more worried It has been almost a week now that I have not accessed my account Also, it is very unlikely for me to execute a wire transfer as I have not did it before You can probably request to retrieve the details of my transaction history and I am confident that you will not find any money transfer that has been executed since the first day I opened up my savings account with your bank Moreover, all of my bill payments and money transactions are set up in a way that it will be automatically be deducted from my savings fund at the end of the month I would like to point out that this kind of banking system failure can create unpleasant business relationship between us and even to your numerous clients I suggest that you start your own internal investigation to address this system failure and immediately implement a corrective action As soon as you find out where is the disconnect, I demand a full proof that this will not happen again Please immediately pull back the $30 charges you imposed to my account as well Yours Faithfully, Mr.bilog 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT You were able to express your complaint regarding the erroneous bank transaction You were able to express what action you want from the bank Tone is generally polite except for the word “demand” LEXICAL RESOURCE Good topic specific vocabulary was used: unpleasant business relationship, money transactions, banking system failure COHERENCE AND COHESION Good linking words were used: moreover, also Paragraphs are generally clear, logical and organized GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY No grammar errors noted IELTS Writing Makeover #90 The following essay was written by Nimish The essay discusses arguments regarding closure of zoos "We no longer need to have animals kept in zoos, so zoos should be closed Do you agree or disagree Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience." Should zoos continue to exist and animals be caged? This is one of the debatable question in recent time While animal activists raise the concern of animal being caged and demand for their freedom, hence eventually closing down of zoos, however, the other group of people oppose to this idea I not agree that zoos should close down as I believe it’s a place of fun and education for children and as well provide shelter to animals With the awareness of impact on animals being caged, there has been increasing number of animal activists who belief in closing down the zoos and setting the animals free in the natural habitat, in forest Moreover, there are few NGOs who work in this field and make the public aware of ordeals that these animals go through in zoos On the other hand, there are certain arguments that supports the existence of zoos Firstly, it is argued that all animals which lives in zoos are not fit anymore to survive back in forest on their own, as due to their age they could not be able to hunt their food and may starve to death For such animals, zoo is a good place where they get timely food and medicine aid Secondly, zoo is a place of entertainment and education on animals for children, where they get to learn more on animals by observing their behavior To conclude, I not agree that zoos should be closed While, we need to be sensitive towards animals needs and set them free if they are capable of surviving in forests However, the old and weak animals may be better off in zoo environment Moreover, zoo gives opportunity to children for learning about various animals As a I child, I used to take lot of fun in visiting the zoo and I feel that if zoos are closed, then my children may not get to see many animals in their life time 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT You were able to give your arguments regarding the need for zoos However, the conclusion is longer than your body paragraphs LEXICAL RESOURCE Good topic specific vocabulary: natural habitat, NGOs, animal activists COHERENCE AND COHESION Good transition words were used: firstly, to conclude However, have only one main point per paragraph Improve organization by using the 5-paragraph format: Introduction Body Paragraph 1- Disagree Body Paragraph 2-Disagree Body Paragraph 3-Agree Conclusion GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY There are a number of grammar errors: One of the debatable question = one of the debatable questions Animal being caged = animals being caged And as well provide shelter to animals = and provides shelter to animals Has been increasing number of activists who belief = has been an increasing number of activists who believe In forest = in forests Arguments that supports = arguments that support All animals which lives = all animals which live Animals needs = animals’ needs - IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER No 91 The following IELTS essay was written by Sreelekha She discusses about her arguments regarding keeping animals in zoos "We no longer need to have animals kept in zoos, so zoos should be closed Do you agree or disagree Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience." Animals are not intellectual as humans so they should be kept in zoos.I personally feel that zoos should not be closed even though some of the animal activists are raising a concern over caging of animals I strongly disagree with the above as zoos are primarily providing food and shelter to the animals.Now a days some of the species are in extinct.Zoos preserve them by taking care of these breeds.There are few restrictions on hunting them.Already we have in our news that number of tigers are declining drastically.If this is the case,our future generations may not see a tiger alive.Moreover some of the wild animals are very dangerous so they should not be let to roam in the masses.They harm the public and create havoc over there We have a few incidents in the past where elephants from forest have come down to the nearby villages causing damaging to the fields To support my previous argument,I believe that zoos are a picnic spot for children as well as elders.Many people visit these zoos to view different animals,birds and reptiles.Children get a lot of fun here.These are places of learning for kids.They got to see a variety of animals which can’t be found outside Contradictory to these, we have uproar from animal activists to close the zoos They feel that animals should be let free in the forest I conclude that zoos should not be closed Instead government should come up with many laws to protect them, provide them good infrastructure and well trained employees to keep an eye on these living creatures 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT You were able to provide your arguments why you disagree that zoos are not needed However, improve your conclusion It should only summarize the main points and not include new opinions There are only a few linking words used: moreover LEXICAL RESOURCE Some animal vocabulary was used: reptiles, extinct, animal activists COHERENCE AND COHESION Paragraphs are not well-balanced Some paragraphs are not well-developed Conclusion should not be longer than body paragraphs GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY There are some grammar errors: Now a days = nowadays Are in extinct = are becoming extinct They got to see = they get to see That number of tigers are declining drastically = that the number of tigers is declining drastically Not be let to roam in the masses= not be allowed to roam on the streets Causing damaging = causing damage Should be let free = should be set free [...]... Introduction BP1- Disagree 1 BP2 – Disagree 2 BP3- Agree 1 GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY There are a few grammar errors found: This criminals = these criminals IELTS Writing Makeover #87 Posted by Miracel Juanta Tags : IELTS, writing The following IELTS essay was written by Adham He argues against the negative effects of IT In the last 20 years there have been significant developments in the field of information... 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RANGE AND ACCURACY There are some grammar errors: social skills is, social skills plays, comfotable, to be arised, workpalces, make them in bad temper, makes working environment IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #83 The following IELTS Writing essay is from Ray of China He writes about his views on arts and its effect on people’s quality of life Many people think arts like painting and music can not directly improve... 1 – Agree Body Par 2-Agree Body Par 3-Disagree Conclusion GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACYGood range of grammar structures: use of modals, perfect tenses No grammar issues noted IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #79 The following IELTS writing essay was written by Ziauhl and she writes about expensive weddings Nowadays, people are spending increasingly large amounts of money on their marriage parties Many people... activists who believe In forest = in forests Arguments that supports = arguments that support All animals which lives = all animals which live Animals needs = animals’ needs - IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER No 91 The following IELTS essay was written by Sreelekha She discusses about her arguments regarding keeping animals in zoos "We no longer need to have animals kept in zoos, so zoos should be closed... 2 – Agree 2 Body Paragraph 3 – Disagree 1 GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY There are some grammar errors: To residing, ideal illustrate, ans so on, prefer to dwelling, redial actions IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #85 The following IELTS essay is from May of China She talks about her views regarding money leading to happiness Money if only just sufficient for your needs leads to happiness Money in excess may... are organized and logical GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY There are some grammar errors: appreciated, lack of articles e.g bachelor’s degree is often, universities are favorable, that job market IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #82 The following essay was written by Phuong Mai The essay discusses the benefits of social skills over qualifications Topic: Employers now tend to prefer employees with good social skills... socio-economic status have the highest percentage of satisfaction they comes = they come young people from rice families creates more problems = young people from rich families create more problem IELTS Writing Makeover #86 The following essay was written by Jana from the Philippines She writes her arguments regarding prevention of crime Crime is a big problem in the world; many believe that nothing can... example, thus, on the other hand Paragraphs are clear, logical and to the point GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY There are some minor errors but they do not affect communication: in (a) safe way IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #81 The following essay is from Minh Hang The essay discusses the advantages of a university degree vs work experience Topic: Many people say that the only way to guarantee getting a good ... grammar errors found: This criminals = these criminals IELTS Writing Makeover #87 Posted by Miracel Juanta Tags : IELTS, writing The following IELTS essay was written by Adham He argues against the... GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY There were no grammar errors noted IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #72 Posted by Miracel Juanta Tags : IELTS, writing The following essay discusses the reasons why we need music... ORGANIZATION There are some grammar errors: desorbing, closing monitoring IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #75 The following IELTS writing makeover is from Bright He writes his views on books vs Internet Question