450 McGRAW-HILL’S SAT Be Specific Consider the following paragraphs: Every first-year chemistry or physics student learns that opposite charges attract and like charges repel. If we try to force two positive charges together, they will fly apart as soon as we release them. Similarly, if we try to hold a positive charge apart from a negative charge, they will fly together as soon as we release them. The nucleus of an atom consists of a collec- tion of positively charged protons and uncharged neutrons squashed together in a very small space. Negatively charged electrons remain in “shells” that never touch the nucleus. You should notice that the facts in these paragraphs don’t “fit” logically. If like charges fly apart, then how on earth could they remain together in a nucleus? Also, if unlike charges fall toward each other, why don’t the negative electrons fall into the positive nu- cleus? However, the second paragraph provides no logical “guideposts” to indicate this surprising rela- tionship between these ideas. A good writer should acknowledge the contrasts between the ideas of the first paragraph and the ideas of the second paragraph with logical transitions. Notice how this revision pro- vides the necessary transitions: Every first-year chemistry or physics student learns that opposite charges attract and like charges repel. If we try to force two positive charges together, they will fly apart as soon as we release them. Similarly, if we try to hold a posi- tive charge apart from a negative charge, they will fly together as soon as we release them. However, science students are also told that the nucleus of an atom consists of a collection of positively charged protons and uncharged neu- trons squashed together in a very small space. They are also told that negatively charged elec- trons remain in “shells” that never touch the nu- cleus. How can this be? You need to think carefully about the logic of individ- ual sentences, as well. Not logical: The bill was in committee, and the oppo- sition of several senators killed it because of the unpopular amendments that they attached to it. Better: Several senators who opposed the bill killed it in committee by attaching un- popular amendments to it. Lesson 7: Write Logically Your argument is much more effective when you discuss real and specific examples rather than hypothetical and general ones. You can generalize in your thesis and conclusion, but be specific everywhere else. Provide your readers with “guideposts” to help them understand the logical relationships between your ideas. These guideposts, which usually come at the beginning of a paragraph or a sentence, are called transitions. They include words like however (to indicate a contrast), there- fore (to indicate a result), furthermore (to indicate an extension of an argument), first, second, or third (to indicate a sequence of examples or rea- sons), nevertheless (to indicate irony), and so on. Consider this paragraph: Although our Constitution provides us with the right to bear arms, this right should not be a uni- versal one. That’s not what the Second Amend- ment was intended for. A lot of times it’s not appropriate and just plain dangerous or foolish. This is obvious to anyone who reads newspa- pers or watches the TV news and knows about what is going on in the world. The argument isn’t effective because it gives no specifics. Consider this improvement: Although our Constitution provides us with the right to bear arms, this right was intended only to protect citizens from the tyranny of government, and not to arm citizens against one another. In many places, for instance in schools and other public places, the right to bear arms does not enhance public safety. Even the popular argument that it makes our homes safer is absurd. Rather, it merely increases the likelihood that a problematic situation like an argument will turn deadly, as it did last month when an eight-year-old boy shot his six-year-old sister to death in New Jersey. This revision is more forceful because it turns the generalizations into specifics, and gives concrete examples. Help Your Reader with Logical Transitions CHAPTER 12 / WRITING A GREAT ESSAY 451 Practice 7: Write Logically Logical Transition Practice Rewrite the second sentence of each of the following pairs so that it includes a logical transition from the pre- vious one. 1. We knew that the game would be hard fought. We never thought it would last 8 hours and 20 innings. 2. There were thousands of visitors in town for the game. It was almost impossible to find a hotel room. 3. The theory of evolution has had a profound effect on scientific thought. It has influenced many artists and writers. 4. We knew that punishing the culprits would do no good. We took no action against them. 5. Perfect games are rare. In the last two years, only one was bowled in the entire state. 6. There were several reasons for the delay. The bus driver had the wrong directions. Check your answers with the answer key at the end of the chapter. 452 McGRAW-HILL’S SAT Use Natural Language These nouns are all impersonal and abstract, so they are hard to relate to. Personal nouns refer to the things in your readers’ common experience, things that they personally understand. Concrete nouns refer to things that can be seen, heard, smelled, tasted, or touched. Of course, if you are talking about ideas, you will need to use abstract nouns, but don’t use any more than are necessary. Not many people can keep track of 18 abstract and impersonal nouns in a single sentence. Here’s a good revision: Some people have left out relevant facts in this discussion , and have therefore minimized how much people support free expression and maxi- mized how much people want to eliminate offen- sive speech . They have also ignored or obscured the crazy and illogical arguments against offen- sive speech . In fact, the majority of Americans support free expression, and regard it as a moral necessity . Without question, this conveys the author’s ideas much more clearly and effectively. Lesson 8: Write Clearly Good writing follows more rules than conver- sational speech does, but this doesn’t mean that good writing is stiff and unnatural. Con- voluted and abstract language doesn’t make “better” writing. Although you should avoid wordiness and egregious grammatical errors, natural language is always better than overly formal language. Minimize abstract and impersonal nouns. When they pile up, your thoughts become hard to follow. Jargon such as win-win scenario, thinking outside the box, bulletizing the issues, targeting a goal, bottom line, downside, facilitate, prior- itize, optimize, time frame, mutually beneficial, parameter, utilize, etc. annoys good readers, particularly when simpler, more common words suffice. This sentence is far too stiff and unnatural: An individual person’s lack of tolerance and inability to appreciate and even enjoy different aspects in other individuals is a concept that negatively affects the ability of a community to avoid hatred and establish the environment in which we would like to bring our children up. It is much more effective when phrased more nat- urally and concisely: We create a much more peaceful society when we learn to appreciate the differences in others. Use Personal and Concrete Nouns Is the following sentence easy to understand? My concerns in general center on numerous omissions of relevant facts and quotes, which had the effect of diminishing the extent of the ap- parent support of free expression, and the force of the moral arguments for free expression, and of enhancing the support of those who are vigilant against dangerous speech, and obscuring the more extreme arguments made on their behalf. No. Why not? Just look at the nouns: My concerns in general center on numerous omissions of relevant facts and quotes, which had the effect of diminishing the extent of the ap- parent support of free expression, and the force of the moral arguments for free expression, and of enhancing the support of those who are vigilant against dangerous speech , and obscuring the more extreme arguments made on their behalf. Eliminate Jargon Jargony: If we think outside the box and prior- itize our concerns, I’m sure we can facilitate a win-win scenario for all parties. Better: If we think creatively and set our pri- orities, I’m sure we can find a solution that everyone will like. CHAPTER 12 / WRITING A GREAT ESSAY 453 Practice 8: Write Clearly Clarification Practice Rewrite the following sentences to eliminate stiffness, vagueness, and jargon. 1. The concept of competition is an essential element with regard to the ability of society to encourage people to achieve excellence. 2. The consideration of all ideas of our employees is done by our management with the thinking that only the most quality concepts will elevate to the forefront. 3. A concern in the general population with regard to the ability of the government to optimize the positive use of federal funds has accelerated in recent times. 4. When one is placing the emphasis on the deterioration of the individual concern for others and personal moral responsibility, the role of social institutions is ignored. Check your answers with the answer key at the end of the chapter. 454 McGRAW-HILL’S SAT Lesson 9: Write Concisely Eliminate Wordiness The fewer words you can use to convey an idea, the better. You won’t impress readers by making them work hard or by confusing them. When you use wordy or unnatural language, a good reader will think that you don’t have command over your words, or that you’re stalling because you don’t have anything interesting to say. Sometimes even good writers can get ambushed by prepositional phrases. Like most things, prepositional phrases are fine in moderation. But too many—particularly when they are strung together—make a sen- tence wordy and unclear. Avoid wordy phrases like those below. Use the concise versions. Eliminate any word or phrase that conveys an idea already stated or implied in the sentence. Wordy: Courage is a value that is very difficult to be found in and among individuals in the world today, even though it is clearly something that nearly everyone of every persuasion and creed finds to be an extremely important and valuable element of human morality. Better: Courage today is rare, and so all the more precious. Wordy Concise Wordy Concise has a reaction reacts in the event that if has a dependence on depends regardless of the fact that although provides enforcement enforces in our world today today is in violation of violates in this day and age today has knowledge of knows being that because achieves the maximization of maximizes due to the fact that because provides opposition to opposes at this point in time now is reflective of reflects at the present moment now give consideration to consider are aware of the fact know lend assistance to assist make contact with contact Watch Your Prepositional Phrases Wordy: Few people in the media recognize their responsibility to the public for writing fair and unbiased pieces for the sake of expanding their readers’ trust in their representations of the world around them. (seven prepositional phrases) Better: Few journalists understand that they must sustain scrupulous impartiality in order to maintain the trust of their readers. (one prepositional phrase) Avoid Redundancy Redundant: We are now serving breakfast at this time. Better: We are now serving breakfast. Redundant: The best elements of her previous works were combined together in this symphony. Right: The best elements of her previous works were combined in this symphony. Redundant: They could always rely on him to tell the honest truth. Right: They could always rely on him to tell the truth. CHAPTER 12 / WRITING A GREAT ESSAY 455 Practice 9: Write Concisely Redundancy Sweeping Practice Eliminate any redundancies in the following sentences. 1. An effective and good manager must need to rely on sound, solid management principles as well as past experience. 2. Both parents as well as students should have input into the new testing plan. 3. Many cleaning substances should not be combined together, because violent reactions could result. 4. Even if each and every citizen contributed to the effort, it would still take several years to complete. 5. The food and blankets dropped for the suffering refugees were far from sufficient enough to ward off the hunger and cold. 6. We watched the jet until it disappeared from view. Tightening-Up Practice Rewrite the following sentences to eliminate wordiness. 7. In this day and age, all too many people have a dependence on television as their exclusive source of information. 8. Few people are aware of the fact that such gambling is in violation of federal law. 9. Due to the fact that corporations endeavor to achieve the maximization of profit, they rarely put their focus on environmental needs. 10. In the event that your boss expresses opposition to your proposal at the meeting, consider having a head-to- head conversation with her about it personally. 11. It is certainly clear that too few people give consideration to the fact that economic strength is often reflective of the hopes of consumers. Check your answers with the answer key at the end of the chapter. 456 McGRAW-HILL’S SAT Eliminate Weak Verbs—Uncover the “Lurking Verbs” Why is this sentence so weak and vague? It’s filled with jargon, abstract nouns, and weak and passive verbs. Here’s a much more effective revision: Investors like aggressive companies that are committed to making themselves well known and to building their share of the market. As a re- sult, investors put a lot of money into these com- panies, thereby overvaluing them, even though the companies often have weak products or busi- ness models. We’ve cut out the jargon, used more concrete nouns, included more logical connections, and found stronger verbs. We also replaced the passive verb with an active verb. A passive verb places the noun performing the ac- tion after the verb, as in The ball was hit by the boy, or eliminates the noun performing the action altogether, as in The ball was hit. In the original sentence, the verb is in the passive voice and doesn’t convey a clear thought: The companies will be seen as “players.” Seen by whom? It doesn’t say, so the sentence is unclear. Notice that the revision makes this clear: Investors like companies. This tells us what’s happening, and who’s doing it. Lesson 10: Write Forcefully Take an essay you’ve written recently and circle all of the verbs. How many are forms of the verb to be, like is, are, was, and were? Probably too many. To be is the most overused verb in the English language, and it is also the weakest. Other weak verbs are to exist and to have. Too many of these verbs in your writing make it weak and lifeless. If your writing contains too many weak verbs, find the stronger lurking verbs in the sentence, and rewrite it. Lurking verbs are words in the sentence that aren’t verbs but should be, because they convey the idea or action of the sentence more effectively. Weak: The mice have a tendency to overeat when they are in the absence of this hormone. Stronger: The mice tend to overeat when they lack this hormone. The original verbs, have and are, are weak. More effective verbs are “lurking” as nouns in the first sen- tence: tendency and absence seem to carry the main ideas, but they are nouns. Notice how much more forceful the revision is because these ideas were transformed into verbs. Weak: We will not be tolerant of anyone who is disrespectful of the opposing players. Stronger: We won’t tolerate anyone who dis- respects the opposing players. Use Clear and Active Verbs Consider this example of a weak and unclear sentence: The most aggressive of the new companies, whose priorities are characterized by their capi- tal commitment to market share and name recognition, will be seen as the “players” in their niche, and may see an extension of share over- valuation, despite weak product development or business models. Use the passive voice sparingly: don’t say The ball was hit by the boy when you can say The boy hit the ball. The passive voice often makes a sentence needlessly wordy and vague. Phrases like give it 110%, go for the gold, rip it to shreds, in the lap of luxury, keep at arm’s length, pick up the pieces, cross that bridge when we come to it, go to town, and so on are clichés. A cliché is an overused phrase. Whenever you use a cliché in your writing, a good reader will think you are being lazy, or that you cannot think of an origi- nal way to convey your idea. Instead, use your own, original words to convey your thoughts. Eliminate Clichés Clichéd: Believe me, I felt like a fish out of water giving that speech, but I sucked it up and gave it a go. Better: Although the prospect of speaking in front of the class intimidated me, I tried to focus on my words rather than my fear. CHAPTER 12 / WRITING A GREAT ESSAY 457 Practice 10: Write Forcefully Cliché Sweeping Practice Rewrite each sentence to eliminate any clichés. 1. Many people these days are fond of saying that the youth of this day and age are lazy as dogs. 2. They say that kids are nothing but couch potatoes who sit like bumps on a log playing video games or watch- ing MTV. 3. For all intents and purposes, this assumption is dead wrong. 4. As a matter of fact, many of my friends are thinking more about careers that will change the world as we know it rather than careers that will just chase the almighty dollar. Verb Strengthening Practice Rewrite the following sentences to strengthen the verbs. Uncover any good “lurking” verbs. 5. This action is in violation of the company’s own contract. 6. The village was affected to a devastating degree by the earthquake. 7. My failure on the test was reflective of the fact that I didn’t study. 8. The movie was considered by the critics to be dull and hackneyed. 9. The bold maneuver was made by the army under the cover of night. 10. Outside the office were a dozen chairs filling the hallway. Check your answers with the answer key at the end of the chapter. 458 McGRAW-HILL’S SAT Vary Your Sentence Length Wisely Consider the following paragraph: Many people buy into the cliché “guns don’t kill people; people kill people.” On its surface, this statement seems obviously true. However, some deep thought and analysis about this statement, its assumptions and implications, shows clearly that it is mistaken. Not bad, but consider the following revision: Many people buy into the cliché “guns don’t kill people; people kill people.” On its surface, this statement seems obviously true. It’s not. Why is the last sentence of the revision more effec- tive than the last sentence of the first paragraph? Be- cause it’s short. When it follows a series of lengthy, informative sentences, a short sentence hits the reader like a slap in the face and drives home an im- portant point. Example: Life is characterized by the ups and downs one expe- riences while living from day to day. The writer probably thought that this sentence was profound when she wrote it. But it really doesn’t say anything at all. Saying that life has ups and downs is just stating the obvious. No rational person would disagree with that. The writer should eliminate this sentence. Example: Every country seeks a constant prosperity in its growth. This sentence is so vague and uninteresting that it’s hardly worth saving. How can a country seek any- thing? Maybe the people can, but not the country. Saying that people seek prosperity is a pretty uninter- esting observation. Do they really seek constant pros- perity? What does that even mean? And what the heck is prosperity in their growth? Clearly, this is a sentence to nowhere. Choose Your Words Carefully Lesson 11: Write Masterfully Good writers always think about the length of their sentences. Long sentences may be neces- sary for explaining complex ideas, but very short sentences are often best for emphasizing important points. Good writers have good vocabularies. They know that one well-chosen “bargain” word is often worth six modifiers. Don’t use overblown vocabulary unnecessarily. Fancy words are often distracting. Eliminate sentences that state the obvious, are hopelessly vague, or don’t move your thesis for- ward. Sometimes a sentence that seemed pro- found when you first wrote it may turn out to be nonsensical or unintelligible. Every sentence should convey a fresh and interesting idea that moves your argument forward. Any sentence that fails to do that should be eliminated. Eliminate Sentences to Nowhere If you must eliminate a sentence from your essay, cross it out neatly. Don’t worry about erasing it com- pletely, and don’t be concerned about the essay’s look- ing “perfect.” The readers understand that you would have been more neat if you had had the time, and won’t penalize you for eliminating an unnecessary sentence. Weak diction: I walked through the finish line as if my legs were ridiculously heavy, and sat down exhausted. Strong diction: I lumbered through the finish line and collapsed. Overblown diction: An astute scribe shall al- ways eschew superfluous grandiloquence. Effective diction: Good writers use big words only when necessary. CHAPTER 12 / WRITING A GREAT ESSAY 459 Practice 11: Write Masterfully Sentence Variation Practice Cross out the sentence in each paragraph that is too long. Then rewrite the sentence to increase its impact. 1. Many neoconservatives love to claim that lowering taxes actually raises government revenue. Any rational examination of this claim shows clearly that it is wrong, or at least not as simple as they are claiming. In fact, the government’s tax revenue depends on many things other than the tax rate. 2. My mother sat me down and explained to me how important it is to spend money wisely. After listening to her carefully, I understood the point she was trying to make. I began keeping better track of my accounts and became a wiser consumer. Bargain Word Practice Find a single word or shorter phrase to capture the idea in bold. 3. David looked very closely at his test results. 4. The girls in the car talked on and on about meaningless things for hours. 5. The coach gave us a long, harsh, and critical speech about our lack of effort in the first half. Toning Down Practice Tone down the fancy vocabulary in the sentences below. 6. When a practitioner of medicine suggests an appropriate remedy for a malady, it is best that the person to whom it was offered utilizes it strictly according to the instructions. 7. Plebeians execrate prevaricators, while aristocrats lionize them. Check your answers with the answer key at the end of the chapter. . 450 McGRAW-HILL’S SAT Be Specific Consider the following paragraphs: Every first-year chemistry or physics student learns that opposite charges. problematic situation like an argument will turn deadly, as it did last month when an eight-year-old boy shot his six-year-old sister to death in New Jersey. This revision is more forceful because it turns the. think outside the box and prior- itize our concerns, I’m sure we can facilitate a win-win scenario for all parties. Better: If we think creatively and set our pri- orities, I’m sure we can find