brainstorm daniel j siegel

In this New York Times–bestselling book, Dr. Daniel Siegel shows parents how to turn one of the most challenging developmental periods in their children’s lives into one of the most rewarding.Between the ages of 12 and 24, the brain changes in important, and oftentimes maddening, ways. It’s no wonder that many parents approach their child’s adolescence with fear and trepidation. According to renowned neuropsychiatrist Daniel Siegels New York Times bestseller Brainstorm, if parents and teens can work together to form a deeper understanding of the brain science behind all the tumult, they will be able to turn conflict into connection and form a deeper understanding of one another.

Praise for Brainstorm “A much-needed guide to the perils—and promise!—of adolescence, Brainstorm is full of practical tips for fostering happiness and success throughout the teen years A must read for all those with adolescents in their lives.” —Christine Carter, Ph.D., author of Raising Happiness and director of UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Parents at the Greater Good Science Center, University of California, Berkeley “Siegel gives us a fresh and insightful examination of adolescence from his point of view as an expert on the brain The book also shows him to be a thoughtful parent, a compassionate guide, and a very fine writer I strongly recommend Brainstorm to teens and to those who care about them.” —Mary Pipher, Ph.D., author of Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls and The Green Boat: Reviving Ourselves in Our Capsized Culture “Brainstorm recognizes the power, courage, and creativity of the next generation of change makers and invites us on a reflective and experiential journey of living life to the fullest, through adolescence and beyond It is essential reading for all those interested in creating a better world for themselves and others.” —Craig Kielburger, cofounder of Me to We and Free The Children “Brainstorm is eye-opening and inspiring, a great gift to us all—teens, parents of teens, and anyone who wants a full and rich life on this planet Daniel Siegel shows how the supposed downsides of the teen years all have upsides, and that the lessons for living that await teens are lessons any of us, at any age, can learn from Teens and their parents stand to benefit immensely from reading this book, separately or together.” —Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence “Dr Siegel aptly characterizes the teen years as the most powerful life phase for activating courage, purpose, and creativity With his usual personal and compassionate delivery, he illustrates how we can all become more aware, empathetic, and understanding of teenagers and ourselves A visionary and a guide, Siegel knows that if we treat teenagers with the respect and understanding they deserve, they are more likely to live up to their greatest capacities.” —Laura S Kastner, clinical professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences, University of Washington, and author of Wise-Minded Parenting: Essentials for Raising Successful Tweens + Teens “At last a book that really explains adolescence! ‘You just don’t get me’ is a common refrain from teenagers to their parents and teachers Adolescents who read this book will discover that Daniel Siegel gets them My favorite thing about this book is that Siegel sees adolescence not as a problem to be solved or a hardship to be endured, but rather as a wellspring of courage and creativity This respectfulness is why the book works so well as a manual for adolescents, as well as their parents and mentors.” —Lawrence J Cohen, Ph.D., author of The Opposite of Worry “This book is filled with validation, vision, and clarity to help us navigate the seas of an often overwhelming time in life—the teenage years Dan Siegel illuminates where there was mystery, empowers where there was fear, and inspires where there was trepidation I am indebted to Dan for his deep kindness and ability to so articulately share his scientific, psychological, and social intelligence This book is chock-full of cutting-edge knowledge as well as a deep compassion for teenagers, the adults they will become, and the teenagers in all of us.” —Alanis Morissette, Grammy Award–winning singer and songwriter “A positively refreshing twist on the age-old topic of adolescent behavior In a captivating conversational tone suited to teens (or those who work with or care for them), author Dan Siegel debunks myths of ‘hormone-crazed teenagers’ and replaces them with a more constructive narrative about age-related ‘remodeling in the brain.’ This book offers mind-opening brain science alongside practical tools that teens can use to navigate the emotions and relationships they encounter each day.” —Barbara L Fredrickson, Kenan Distinguished Professor of Psychology, University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, and author of Positivity and Love 2.0 “Brainstorm is a necessary look at why adolescents what they that can put parents in an emotional frenzy The information that Dr Siegel shares not only is invaluable for understanding your growing child’s brain, but helps build more compassion and patience A gift for us all.” —Goldie Hawn, Academy Award–winning actress, producer, director, and founder of MindUP™ “The teen years don’t have to be filled with turmoil! In Brainstorm, Dan Siegel serves up a rich blend of smart insights and nitty-gritty tips to guide teens and the adults who care for them through this amazing period of creativity, conflict, and love.” —Harvey Karp, M.D., FAAP, author of The Happiest Toddler on the Block ALSO BY DANIEL J SIEGEL, M.D Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are Pocket Guide to Interpersonal Neurobiology: An Integrative Handbook of the Mind The Mindful Brain: Reflection and Attunement in the Cultivation of Well-Being The Mindful Therapist: A Clinician’s Guide to Mindsight and Neural Integration Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Understanding Can Help You Raise Children to Thrive (with Mary Hartzell) The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind (with Tina Payne Bryson) JEREMY P TARCHER/PENGUIN Published by the Penguin Group Penguin Group (USA) LLC 375 Hudson Street New York, New York 10014 USA • Canada • UK • Ireland • Australia • New Zealand • India • South Africa • China penguin.com A Penguin Random House Company Copyright © 2013 by Mind Your Brain, Inc Illustrations copyright © 2013 by Leah Pearlman Healthy Mind Platter © 2011 by David Rock and Daniel J Siegel, M.D Penguin supports copyright Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader Most Tarcher/Penguin books are available at special quantity discounts for bulk purchase for sales promotions, premiums, fund-raising, and educational needs Special books or book excerpts also can be created to fit specific needs For details, write: Special.Markets@us.penguingroup.com Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Siegel, Daniel J., date Brainstorm : the power and purpose of the teenage brain / Daniel J Siegel, M.D p cm Includes index ISBN 978-1-101-63152-2 Adolescent psychology Brain Cognition in adolescence I Title BF724.S49 2013 2013029724 155.5—dc23 Names and identifying details of some individuals have been changed Version_1 To Madeleine and Alexander, for illuminating the vital essence of adolescence To Caroline, for being a compassionate companion along this wild and wonder-filled journey And to my mom, for keeping your inner adolescent alive and well and being an inspiration to us all Index The page numbers in this index refer to the printed version of this book The link provided will take y ou to the beginning of that print page You may need to scroll forward from that location to find the corresponding reference on y our e-reader Page numbers in italic refer to illustrations Acceptance, 247–61, 252, 257, 260, 261 Accidents car, 19–23, 21, 34, 77–78 as top killer, 22 Acquired immune deficiency sy ndrome See AIDS Acrony ms COAL as, 121, 126, 251 ESSENCE as, 4–6, 11–13, 12, 24, 142–44, 143, 220, 307 MWe as, 299–307, 301, 303 PART as, 212–13, 219, 242 RAIN as, 194, 222 SIFT as, 47–48, 194–95, 211, 218, 242–43 SNAG as, 281 3G-2P as, 295–97 Actions impulsivity and, 8, 68, 72 intentions and, 96 without reflection, 67–68 Addictions alcohol, 65–67, 69–71, 264–69 cigarette, 80–81 dopamine and, 68–69, 262–63, 266–68 drug, 68, 80, 147, 265–72 as part of love, 238 susceptibility to, 68–69 Adolescence ages of, 1, 6, 22 attachment narratives in, 169–70 benefits of, 6–9 challenges of, 6–9, 16, 219–28 courage during, 6, 13 as creative exploration, 4, 6, 89–95, 91, 92, 93 cultivation of, 74–75 developmental state of, 17–18, 32 disconnection during, 28 enduring, 2–3 ESSENCE of, 4–6, 11–13, 12, 24, 142–44, 143, 220, 307 extended, 27–30 features of, 6–12, 12 flow of, 17 goals for, 110 growth during, inside-out approach to, 13–18, 15, 17, 37 maturation during, 6, 250 my ths surrounding, 2–3 positive promotion for, 80–81 purpose of, 74–77 timing of, 25–27 work of, Adolescent brain circuits of, 7–8, 18, 82–84, 127–28 development of, 74 function and structure of, 65–66, 77, 101–2, 109 mind and, 6–7, 14–18, 15, 17 rewards and, 7–8, 18, 67–70 Adolescent mind brain and, 6–7, 14–18, 15, 17 power of, 9–13, 12, 94 purpose of, 9–13, 12 qualities, 7–9 Adolescents See also Teenagers as adaptive force, 26 adults and, 1, 6, 28–29 bonds of, 3–4 fitting in and, 28–29 honoring, 219–21, 220 pushing away by , 23–26, 75, 95 pushing-back propensity of, 20–24, 21, 96 rites of passage for, 29–30 safe harbor and launching pad for, 197–99 Adulthood, 24 attachment narratives in, 169–70 childhood and, 26 interdependence during, 28 Adults adolescents and, 1, 6, 28–29 approach to life of, 10–13 attitudes of, challenges for, creativity of, 10 dependence on, 3, 28–29 isolation from, knowledge of, in life rut, 9–10 pushing away from, 23–26, 75, 95 pushing-back by , 96 reasoning of, 8, 10 rejection of, 8, 23–26 responsibilities of, 29, 232 Adventure, 13 Aging effects of, 213 process, 113 AIDS (Acquired immune deficiency sy ndrome), 237, 256, 258 Alcohol See also Dopamine; Drinking abuse, 65–68, 156–57 addictions, 65–67, 69–71, 264–69 usage of, 101, 262, 264–65 zero tolerance for, 66 Alcoholics Anony mous, 272, 273 Alienation, 27 Alloparenting, 144–45 Angelou, May a, 306 Anger, 41–42 expressions of, 247–48 projected outward, 255–56 Anxiety , 147, 205 disorders, 222, 224, 228 issues, 248–49, 254–55 transforming, 223 Apathy , 10 Athletics, 77 Attachment Interviews, 161, 167, 168–69 Attachment models activation of, 141–42 ambivalent, 153, 174, 204–5 avoidant, 151–53, 170, 177–84, 203–6 disorganized or disoriented, 154–55, 157–58, 176, 205–6 making sense of, 203–6 non-integrated, 158–60, 170 non-secure, 142–44, 143, 170, 176–77 reflection and reflective conversations mindsight practice, 206–7 secure, 142–44, 143, 150, 150–51, 176–77, 181 ty pes of, 142–44, 143 Attachment narratives in adolescence and adulthood, 169–70 ambivalent, 174–75, 184–90 analy sis of, 168–77, 171 avoidant, 49–50, 169, 175, 181–84 disorganized, 175–76, 190–97, 192 secure, 169, 174 Attachment relationships, 27, 33–34 dependence on, 145 important, 141 insecure, 148–49 secure, 145–49, 146, 156–61 Attachments close, 34, 139–44, 143 four S’s of, 145, 148 to friends, 34–35 launching pad and, 144–49, 146, 166, 197–99 love, 239–40, 240 to mother, 144 needs and, 189 to parents, 224–25 questions for reflection on, 163–68, 167, 185–86, 193, 206 reactive, 155 reflection on, 161–63, 162 to relationships, 27, 33–34 resilience and, 147 safe harbor and, 144–49, 146, 165, 197–99 security and, 33–37 way s of, 149–50 Attention, focus, 49–50, 82, 111–15 on inner world, 111–15, 118–19, 178, 181, 196, 208–9 role of, 82 Attitudes, Authenticity , 251–54, 261, 307 Awareness See also Self-awareness; Wheel of Awareness of emotions, 47–48, 114, 249–50 expansion of, 93–94 of life, 90–92, 91 mindful, 113–15, 116 mindsight practice for breath, 119–26, 123, 160, 283 self-knowing, 42–43, 45, 201–2 Balance, 40 brain and, 87, 101 of emotions, 104–5 mindsight practice for chaos, rigidity , and mind, 61–63 Baum, L Frank, 90 BDNF See Brain-derived neurotrophic factor Before Sunrise, 241 Before Sunset, 241 Behaviors, conduct problem, 96 dangerous, destructive, 23 discipline and, 164 group binge, 264–65, 272 in relationships, 170 risks and, 8, 20–23, 21, 70–71 surface of, 179 Being de-contextualized way of, 180 present, 117–26, 123, 217–19, 242–45, 243, 250–51, 256–61, 257, 260, 261 present mindsight tools, 117–26, 123 way s of, 171, 184, 230 Beliefs, 4, 81 Bipolar disorders, 97–98 Birth control, 237 Blood sugar, 68 Body aspects of, 40–41 changes during puberty , 25, 76, 228 growth of, 76 positioning of, 119–20 signals, 133–34 Boredom, 120 Boundaries, Bowers, Kathry n, 108–9 Boy s facial hair of, 25 puberty and, 25–26 rites of passage for, 29–30 Brach, Tara, 194 Brain See also Cortex; Prefrontal cortex activation of, 49–52 amy gdala of, 85, 92, 107–8 areas of, 60, 92 aspects of, 40–41 balance and, 87, 101 cerebellum of, 86, 92 connections, 44 corpus callosum of, 86, 92 decision making and, 77–79 details and, 83–84 development of, 2, 18–19, 79 dissociation and, 190–97, 192 emotions and lower, 106–8 emotions and right, 172, 179–80, 182, 184–90 experiences and, 14 frontal lobes of, 86–87, 90 growth of, 5, 11, 57, 100 handy model of, 85, 85–88, 102, 105, 246–47 hippocampus of, 85, 92, 191 imaging, 74 influences of, integration, 50, 77–79, 81–84, 105–6, 111, 149, 156–61, 177, 180–81 left hemisphere of, 188–89 limbic regions of, 85, 86, 107–8, 191 neurons, 81–84, 98 neurotransmitters in, 67 relationships and, right hemisphere of, 170, 183, 186–89 scans, 106–7 science, 24 sides of, 55, 87, 92, 168–77, 171 stem, 85, 86, 92, 155 sy napses, 81–82, 186 Brain, adolescent circuits of, 7–8, 18, 82–84, 127–28 development of, 74 function and structure of, 65–66, 77, 101–2, 109 mind and, 6–7, 14–18, 15, 17 rewards and, 7–8, 18, 67–70 Brain changes, creative exploration as, 8–9, 24 during early teen y ears, 7–9, 24, 76, 81–84 essence of, 11–13, 12, 24 novelty and, 7–9 social engagement and, 8–9 Brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF), 288–89 Breath, 208 awareness mindsight practice, 119–26, 123, 160, 283 practice, mindfulness of, 124–26 sensation of, 121 waves of, 122–24, 123, 132 Caffeine, 286 Caregivers emotional distance of, 178 during infancy , 150, 150 number of, 149 relationships with, 139–40 terrify ing, 154–55, 190 Cars, 19–23, 21, 34, 77–78 Changes See also Brain changes in emotions, 25, 34 in identity , 230 integration’s challenges and, 245–47, 246 open to, 8, 24 during puberty , body , 25, 76, 228 Chaos detection of, 59–60 rigidity and mind-balancing mindsight practice, 61–63 Character, Childhood, 185 adulthood and, 26 security of, 34 Siegel on, 198–99 trauma and, 154–55 Cleanliness, standards of, 274–76 COAL, 121, 126, 251 Cocaine, 262 Cognitive control, 68 Collaboration, 95–97, 302–3, 303 Communication connected, 27 context, 183 emotional, 165 non-verbal, 53–54 open, 27 patterns of, 209–10 relational, 53–54 with respect, 95 Community , 27, 302–3, 303 Compassion kindness and, 258 living with, 40, 49, 114 for oneself, 138 self-, 138, 258 Confusion emotional, 184–90 mental, Connections See also Attachment relationships; Relationships; Social connections brain, 44 family , 139–41 my elination and, 89 with others, 5, 27 with peers, 108–10, 109 reflection and, 213 Consciousness cortex and, 87 dissociation and, 154 expanded, 11 integration of, 128–31, 129 of thoughts, 48 Coordination, 40 Cortex of brain, 41, 94, 100 cerebral, 85, 86 consciousness and, 87 left side of, 171, 171–74, 177–84, 188–89 personal reflection and, 170 right side of, 172–74 thinking, reasoning and, 87 Courage, 6, 13 Creative exploration, 10–12 adolescence as, 4, 6, 89–95, 91, 92, 93 as brain changes, 8–9, 24 downside of, upside of, Cry ing, 177 Death avoidable causes of, 20–22 Siegel on father’s, 31 Siegel on teacher’s, 19–23, 21, 34, 78 thoughts on, 32 Decision making, brain and, 77–79 details and, 84 friendships and, 72–73 intuition and, 71 shifts in, Department of Agriculture, U.S., 281–82 Dependence on adults, 3, 28–29 on attachment relationships, 145 transition from, 28 Depression, 10, 97–98 Despair, 10 Dialogues, reflective, 36, 43, 201–16, 208, 215 Differentiation, 245–46 Digital objects, 286, 289 Direction, Disappointment, 252 Disapproval, 252 Disconnection, 17 during adolescence, 28 feelings of, 59 increasing, 22–23 Disorders anxiety , 222, 224, 228 bipolar, 97–98 psy chiatric, 97–100, 147 thought, 147 Dissociation aspects of, 191–93, 192, 205 brain and, 190–97, 192 consciousness and, 154 with parents, 154–55, 157 Distress, 28 Dopamine addiction and, 68–69, 262–63, 266–68 effects of, 68–69, 70, 269–71 release of, 67 utilization of, 67, 148 Drinking heavy , 65–67 spree, 65–67 study of, 65–67, 69–71, 264–69 Drug abuse, 147, 261–73 addictions, 68, 80, 147, 265–72 use, 20–22, 68, 101, 261–73 Education, 27 Einstein, Albert, 304 Emotional communication, 165 Emotional confusion, 184–90 Emotional distance avoidance and, 177–84 of caregivers, 178 Emotional intelligence, 41 Emotional intensity , downside to, increased, 8–9, 10, 102–5, 103, 140 loss of, 10 upside to, Emotional spark, 11–12 Emotions awareness of, 47–48, 114, 249–50 balance of, 104–5 changes in, 25, 34 communication and, 165 as compass, 204, 206 inner, 187 knowing, 188 lower brain and, 106–8 naming, 60–61 right brain and, 172, 179–80, 182, 184–90 sensitivity to, 76 stimulation of, 11 Empathy cultivating, 113 mindsight and, 52–54 mindsight practice, 54 reflection, integration and, 207–10, 208 skills, 40 for self, 43 Empowerment, 33–34 Energy , 8, 101 embodied, 45 flow of, 45–46, 59–60 information and, 46–47, 57, 88, 116 mind and, 45–47 patterns, 46–47 reception, 51–52 relational, 45 sharing of, 52–54 ESSENCE, 4–6, 11–13, 12, 24, 142–44, 143, 220, 307 Excitement, Expectations acceptance, sexual orientation and, 247–61, 252, 257, 260, 261 violation of, 255 Experiences, 169 brain and, 14 externally focused, 49–50 genes and, 89 intuition and, 83–84 novelty and, 16–17, 17 present-moment, 117–19 PROS of, 66, 69–70, 79, 271 responses to, 44, 49 role of, 99–100 Explosions, public, 22 Expressions of anger, 247–48 facial, 173, 177, 252 of feelings, 183–84 of identity , 35–36 Ey e contact, 53, 173 open or closed, 120 Facial expressions, 173, 177, 252 Family comfort and familiarity of, 223 connections, 139–41 loss of, 165 members, 139 needs of, Fear feelings of, 227–28, 247–48, 256–58, 257 threats and, 164–65 Feelings of disconnection, 59 expressions of, 183–84 of fear, 227–28, 247–48, 256–58, 257 felt, 53, 201 gut, 80, 170 mentionable and manageable, 107–8, 228 recognition of, 41–42, 47–48 shifts in, 7, 34 way s of, 7, 44 Fertility , 25, 29 Films, foreign language, 181 Fisher, Helen, 238 Foods, 68, 272 Fretting, 227 Friends attachment to, 34–35 bonds with, Friendships decision making and, 72–73 influence of, 139, 201–2 Gandhi, Mahatma, 115 Gay , 253–56 Generosity , 295–98 Genes experiences and, 89 pruning and, 81–82, 90 Gestures, 53, 174 Girls breasts and, 25 fertility and, 25, 29 oxy tocin and, 239 puberty and, 25–26 rites of passage for, 29–30 Gist thinking basis of, 69–71, 73 development of, 77–79 gut feeling and, 80, 170 judgments and, 83 Giving back, 295–98 Goethe, Johann Wolfgang von, Golden Gate Bridge, 46 Gratitude, 49, 295–98 Growth during adolescence, of body , 76 of brain, 5, 11, 57, 100 Hand model of brain, 85, 85–88, 102, 105, 246–47 positioning of, 62–63 Happiness, 114 Harold and Maude, 91 Health mental, 6, 44–47 of teenagers, 20–21 Healthy mind platter, 281–82, 282 High schools, 34–35 Home base, 28 disruptions at, 102 leaving, 221–28, 222 nest, 28 returning, 273–79 Homo sapiens sapiens, 92–93 Homosexuality , 253–56 Honoring adolescents, 219–21, 220 vulnerability , 258–59 Hormones alterations in, 76 raging, 2, 79 secretion of, 238–39 Hy perrationality bias of, 75–76 thinking, 69–71, 73, 80 Ideas, 8–9, 305 Identity changes in, 230 crisis of, expressions of, 35–36 MWe and integration of, 299–307, 301, 303 peer, 28–29 puberty , sexuality and, 228–35 relationships and, 5, 26–29 sense of, 5, 34, 76–77 “If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out,” 91–92 Images, 47 Imagination, 10 Immaturity of prefrontal cortex, 74–75 sexual, 232 time of, Impulsivity actions and, 8, 68, 72 consequences of, increasing, 67–68 inhibition and, 81 Independence, 183–84 development toward, 13, 18, 32 total, Individuals background of, 163 life history of, 24 needs of, Infancy , 150, 150 Information energy and, 46–47, 57, 88, 116 flow, 45–46, 52–54, 59–60, 105–6 Inhibition impulsivity and, 81 promoting, 80–81 Injury , Inner needs, 178, 181, 196 Inner world attention on, 111–15, 118–19, 178, 181, 196, 208–9 mindsight of, 48–52, 111–15, 259 Innovation, 9, 94, 96 Insight cultivating, 113 mindsight practice and mind SIFTing, 47–48, 194–95, 211 skills, 40 Integration attachment models for non-, 158–60, 170 blockages to, 62 brain, 50, 77–79, 81–84, 105–6, 111, 149, 156–61, 177, 180–81 challenges and changes to, 245–47, 246 of consciousness, 128–31, 129 creates integration, 184 empathy , reflection and, 207–10, 208 of identity and MWe, 299–307, 301, 303 impaired, 59–60, 98–100 levels of, 104–5 of mind, 46 mindsight and, 54–58, 56 mindsight practice of harmony of, 58–59 my elination and, 82–84 neural, 57 non-, 102 of relationships, 55 of resilience, 160–61 river of, 55–56, 56 skills, 40–41 time-between and, 207 Intelligence collective, 29 emotional, 41 social, 41 Intentions acknowledgment of, 96 actions and, 96 best, 36–37 Interactions, Interdependence during adulthood, 28 nature of, 3, 3–4 Internet activities on, 51, 112–13 education and, 27 Intuition and decision making, 71 experiences and, 83–84 Isolation, 10, 174 from adults, consequences of, 27, 95 responses to, 17 Journal maintenance of, 14–15, 193 writing, 187 Joy , 49 Judgments gist thinking and, 83 pre-, 251 Kindness compassion and, 258 respect and, 209 showing, 40, 120–21, 125 understanding and, 141 Knowing, 92–93, 93 emotions, 188 other-, 43 self-, 42–43, 45, 201–2 sense of, 130 Knowledge, 8, 303 Kornfield, Jack, 194 Language, 171, 171, 181 Laughter, 10 Learning lifelong, 13, 289 way s of, 5, 210 Life adults’ approach to, 10–13 awareness of, 90–92, 91 components of, 180 coping with, 10 engagement in, history of individuals, 24 journey , 32 long learning, 13, 289 making sense of, 161–63, 162 of meaning, 9, 15, 114 of mind, 178 modern, 49 phy sical nature of, 178 of purpose, 114 relationships and, 8, 33 as routine, 10 rut of adults, 9–10 stages of, 26, 31–33 waves of, 123 Linklater, Richard, 241 Living with compassion, 40, 49, 114 with parents, 140 sustainable, 24 Logic, 171 Loss of emotional intensity , 10 of emotional spark, 11–12 of family , 165 intense, 243 of novelty , 9–10 questions of, 175–76 sense of, 237–38 unresolved, 176–77, 191–93, 192, 195–96 of vitality , 10–12 Love, 121, 126 addictions as part of, 238 attachments, 239–40, 240 kinds of, 238–39 romance and first, 235–42, 240 sexual or erotic aspect of, 238–39 Low road going down, 214 reactivity and, 103, 103 Marijuana, 262, 264 Material world, 48–52 Maturation, 6, 250 Meditation, mindfulness, 113–15 Memories, 44 autobiographical, 174–75, 179, 182, 191 building blocks of, 191 development of, 161 explicit or implicit, 191–93, 192 waves of, 124 Men, 22 Mental confusion, Mental health, 6, 44–47 Mental lives, inner, 44–47, 208–9 Mental models, 191 Metaphors garden, 245–46 salt and water, 244 Mind within, 56–57 dismissing state of, 169 energy and, 45–47 inner observer of, 189–90 integration of, 46 life of, 178 platter, healthy , 281–82, 282 SIFTing, 47–48, 118, 211, 218, 242–43 states of, 230 usage of, 45–46 Mind, adolescent brain and, 6–7, 14–18, 15, 17 power of, 9–13, 12, 94 purpose of, 9–13, 12 qualities, 7–9 Mindfulness, 116 of breath practice, 124–26 meditation, 113–15 Mindsight definition of, 39–40 empathy and, 52–54 of inner world, 48–52, 111–15, 259 integration and, 54–58, 56 maps, 41–43, 42 power of, 50, 63–64 skills for, 40–44, 42 Wheel of Awareness and, 128–31, 129 Mindsight and Parenting from the Inside Out (Siegel), 162 Mindsight practice, breath awareness, 119–26, 123, 160, 283 building lens, 126–28, 127 chaos, rigidity and mind-balancing practice, 61–63 connecting time, 295–97 downtime, 290–91 empathy , 54 focus time, 287, 287–90, 288 harmony of integration, 58–59 illumination, 51–52 insight and mind SIFTing, 47–48, 194–95, 211 name it or tame it, 60–61, 108, 187 phy sical time, 294–95 play time, 291–94, 292 reflecting on Wheel of Awareness, 136–38, 222–23 reflection on attachment models and reflective conversations, 206–7 reflective conversations, 210–12 repairing ruptures, 213–16, 215 sleep time, 284–87 Wheel of Awareness, 131–36, 160, 187–88, 244, 247 Mindsight tools being present, 117–26, 123 for reflective conversations, 201–16, 208, 215, 295 seeing and shaping sea inside, 39–42, 42, 44–47 simple seven, 282, 282–97, 283, 288, 292 time-between, 201–16, 208, 215, 295 time-in, 111–17, 112, 117, 282–84, 283 Moodiness, 8, 97–98, 147 Morality , 43 Moral problems, 303 Multitasking, 288–89 Murder, 22 MWe, 299–307, 301, 303 My elination connections and, 89 integration and, 82–84 National Sleep Foundation, U.S., 285 Natterson-Horowitz, Barbara, 108–9 Neff, Kristin, 258 Neglect, 154–55 Nervous sy stem, 57, 116, 226 Neuroplasticity , 44 Novelty brain changes and, 7–9 downside of, drive toward, 73 experiences and, 16–17, 17 loss of, 9–10 passion for, 18 seeking, 11–12, 76, 97, 220, 263–64 upside of, Obesity , 68 Objectivity , 126, 127 Observation, 127, 127–28, 189–90 O’Donohoe, John, 31–33 Openness, 126, 127, 223 Organs, sexual, 25–26, 76 Oxy tocin, 148 girls and, 239 secretion of, 238–39 Parenting See also Alloparenting authoritative, 33 meanings of, 198–99 sty les, 33–34 Parenting from the Inside Out (Siegel), 214 Parents attachments to, 224–25 avoidance of, 151–53 bonds with, dissociation with, 154–55, 157 inconsistencies or intrusiveness of, 153, 185 living with, 140 presence of, 179 rejection by , 164 as role models, 16 separation from, 164 sexual orientation and, 247–48, 250–61, 252, 257, 260, 261 stress of, 75 tensions with, 12–13, 26 terrify ing, 154–55, 190 PART, 212–13, 219, 242 Passion, 2, 8, 18, 303 Patience, 35 Pausing, 67 Peers, 28–29 connections with, 108–10, 109 hanging out with, 26 influence of, 69 leaning on, pressure from, Perceptions, 44 influencing, 171 phy sical-object, 49 Personality , 225–26 Planet gratitude, generosity and giving back to, 295–98 improvement of, 24 people and, 296 Pocket Guide to Interpersonal Neurobiology (Siegel), 45 Porges, Steve, 242 Posture, 53, 173 Prefrontal cortex of brain, 41, 60, 63, 85, 88, 92, 100, 102–3, 105–6, 146–47 immaturity of, 74–75 middle, 85 reconstruction zone of, 104 Pregnancies, 78 Presence authenticity and, 251–54, 261, 307 first step of, 119 of parents, 179 reflection and, 213 resilience and, 244–45 state of, 169 Present being, 117–26, 123, 217–19, 242–45, 243, 250–51, 256–61, 257, 260, 261 mindsight tools for being, 117–26, 123 -moment experiences, 117–19 stay ing, 217–19 Priming, 191 Problem solving, Pruning genes and, 81–82, 90 opportunity , vulnerability and, 97–100 problems during, 97–100 process, 81–84, 89–90 stress and, 81, 98 Psy chedelic mushrooms, 262 Psy chiatric disorders, 97–100, 147 Psy chotherapy , 99, 161 Puberty body changes during, 25, 76, 228 boy s and, 25–26 girls and, 25–26 identity , sexuality and, 228–35 timing of, 25–27 Purpose of adolescence, 74–77 of adolescent mind, 9–13, 12 lack of, life of, 114 RAIN, 194, 222 Reactivity , 8, 155 degree of, 226 fight, flight, freeze or faint as, 102 low road and, 103, 103 states of, 61 to threats, 102 Reality , 48–49 Reasoning, 6, 102 abstract, 8, 11, 93–94 of adults, 8, 10 thinking and cortex, 87 Recursive aspect, 184 Reflection actions without, 67–68 on attachment models and reflective conversations, mindsight practice, 206–7 on attachment questions, 163–68, 167, 185–86, 193, 206 on attachments, 161–63, 162 connections and, 213 cortex and personal, 170 empathy , integration and, 207–10, 208 presence and, 213 repairing ruptures mindsight practice and, 213–16, 215 Reflective conversations, 36, 43 mindsight practice, 210–12 mindsight practice for reflection on attachment models and, 206–7 mindsight tools for, 201–16, 208, 215, 295 Reflective dialogues, 36, 43, 201–16, 208, 215 Rejection of adults, 8, 23–26 by parents, 164 Relationships, 45, 54 See also Attachment Relationships; Connections; Social connections attachments to, 27, 33–34 behaviors in, 170 being present in, 117–26, 123, 217–19, 242–45, 243, 250–51, 256–61, 257, 260, 261 brain and, with caregivers, 139–40 centrality of, 30–37 close, committed, 241–42 current, 166 definition of, 52–53 future, 166–67 identity and, 5, 26–29 integration of, 55 jackpot of, 239–40, 240 life and, 8, 33 as not important, 179 with others, 6, 14, 33 PART in, 212–13, 219, 242 questions about, 163–64 repairing ruptures and, 213–16, 215, 277–79 rewarding and supportive, 8, 11, 143, 191 social, 147–48 Remodeling flipping our lids and, 101–5, 103 occurrence of, 89–90, 106 Resilience attachments and, 147 definition of, 118–19 foundations of, 144 integration of, 160–61 presence and, 244–45 Respect communication with, 95 kindness and, 209 mutual, 36 treating with, 49 of values, 275–76 Responses to experiences, 44, 49 intensity of, 53–54 to isolation, 17 Rewards adolescent brain and, 7–8, 18, 67–70 drive for, 18, 67 risks and, 18–23, 21, 67, 70–71 satisfaction and, 70–71 Rigidity chaos and mind-balancing mindsight practice, 61–63 detection of, 59–60 Risks behaviors and, 8, 20–23, 21, 70–71 minor, 78 rebellion and, 94–95 results, rewards and, 18–23, 21, 67, 70–71 taking, 8, 29, 108–110, 109 Rites of passage for adolescents, 29–30 for boy s, 29–30 cultural, 30 for girls, 29–30 Rock, David, 281–82, 282 Rogers, Fred, 107–8, 228 Sadness, 41–42 San Francisco Bay , 46 Schema, 191 Schizophrenia, 97–98 Schools, 139 high, 34–35 shootings in, 22 time-in and, 114–15 Secrecy , 17 Security attachment models and, 142–44, 143, 150, 150–51, 176–77, 181 within attachment relationships, 145–49, 146, 156–61 attachments and, 33–37 of childhood, 34 narrative of, 169, 174 Self-awareness, 14 increased, 76 of me, 42–43, 45 time for, 67–68 Self-compassion, 138, 258 Self-knowing, 42–43, 45, 201–2 Self-regulation, 57 Sensation of breath, 121 heartfelt, 170 inner, 44 seeking, sexual, 230–31 Sense of attachment models, 203–6 of identity , 5, 34, 76–77 of joining, 201 of knowing, 130 of life, making, 161–63, 162 of loss, 237–38 observation and, 128 of openness, 223 of self, 180–81, 201–2 stimulation of, 11 of taste, 133 Sensitivity to emotions, 76 temperament and, 224–28, 231 to things, 224–27 Serotonin, 148 Sex oral, 234 unprotected, 78 Sexual immaturity , 232 Sexual intercourse, 234, 237, 238–39 Sexuality fertility and, 25, 29 hooking up and, 233–35, 237 identity , puberty and, 228–35 timing of, 25–27 Sexual liaisons, 234–35 Sexually transmitted diseases, 234, 237 Sexual organs, 25–26, 76 Sexual orientation See also Homosexuality acceptance, expectations and, 247–61, 252, 257, 260, 261 parents and, 247–48, 250–61, 252, 257, 260, 261 Siegel, Donald J., 45, 162, 214 on childhood, 198–99 children of, 30–33, 35–36 on dance class, 253 on daughter and college, 30–36, 198–99 on death of teacher, Bill, 19–23, 21, 34, 78 on father’s death, 31 on patient, Katey , 65–67, 69–71, 264–69 on patient, Sara, 221–47 on patient, Stuart, 49–50, 181 profession of, 6, 16 on son, 72–73, 78, 95–97, 274–79 web site of, 121, 131, 283 SIFT, 47–48, 194–95, 211, 218, 242–43 SIFTing insight mindsight practice and mind, 47–48, 194–95, 211 mind, 47–48, 118, 211, 218, 242–43 Signals body , 133–34 intensity of, 174 non-verbal, 177–78, 181–82 timing of, 174 Skills empathy , 40 insight, 40 integration, 40–41 lack of, 179 for mindsight, 40–44, 42 Sleep adequate, 285 habits, 286–87 time mindsight practice, 284–87 Smoking, 80–81 SNAG, 281 Social connections drive for, 8, 76 through social media, 112–13 Social engagement, 4, 11–12 brain changes and, 8–9 downside of, increasing, 27, 83 sy stem, 242 upside of, Social good, 43 Social intelligence, 41 Social media, 78–79, 112–13 Social relationships, 147–48 Spain, 72–73 Speed, 77 Stanley , Bessie Anderson, 306–7 Status quo challenging, 8–9, 16 settling for, 26 Stevens, Cat, 91 Stress, 190 of parents, 75 pruning and, 81, 98 reduction of, 213 teen, 75 Success (Stanley ), 306–7 Suicide, 20–22 Support network, 223–24 relationships, rewarding and, 8, 11, 143, 191 Survival mode, 10 Technology , 95, 181, 286, 289 Teenagers brain changes and, 7–9, 24, 76, 81–84 health of, 20–21 phy sical fitness of, 20–21 smoking and, 80–81 Television, 181 Telomerase, 113 Telomere caps, 113 Temperament, 147 characteristics of, 225–26 personality and, 225–26 sensitivity and, 224–28, 231 Therapy , 99 Thinking See also Gist thinking; Hy perrationality conceptual, 8, 11, 93–94 difficulties, 97 linear and literal, 171, 180 pushing away and, 23–26, 75, 95 reasoning and cortex, 87 shifts in, way of, Thought consciousness of, 48 on death, 32 disorders, 147 Threats fear and, 164–65 questions of, 175–76 reactivity to, 102 3G-2P, 295–97 Thrill seeking, 84 Time-between integration and, 207 mindsight tools, 201–16, 208, 215, 295 Time-in benefits of, 138, 207 mindsight tools for, 111–17, 112, 117, 282–84, 283 schools and, 114–15 Touch, 53, 174 Trauma childhood and, 154–55 unresolved, 176–77, 191–93, 192, 195–96 Trust, 212–13, 219 Twain, Mark, 16 Understanding, 55, 141 Values positive, 81 respect of, 275–76 Vision, 49 Vitality , 8, 307 full, 10 loss of, 10–12 maintaining, 11 recapturing, 12–13 Voice, 53, 173, 252 Vomiting, 65 Vulnerability honoring, 258–59 opportunity , pruning and, 97–100 Weapons, 20–22 Wheel of Awareness, 181, 208 mindsight and, 128–31, 129 mindsight practice, 131–36, 160, 187–88, 244, 247 reflecting on, 136–38, 222–23 White, E B., 305 Wisdom, 134 Withdrawal, 226 The Wizard of Oz (Baum), 90 Words, 46–47, 209 Zoobiquity (Natterson-Horowitz and Bowers), 108 AN UPDATED EDITION—WITH A NEW FOREWORD BY DANIEL SIEGEL—OF THE BESTSELLING PARENTING CLASSIC “Dan Siegel and Mary Hartzell have quite deftly managed to translate highly complex neuroscientific and psychological matters into lay strategies for effective parenting.” —Marilyn B Benoit, M.D., former president, American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry “Parenting from the Inside Out is a must-have for any parent.” —Gwyneth Paltrow, Goop.com ISBN 978-0-399-16510-8 $16.95 ... Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Siegel, Daniel J. , date Brainstorm : the power and purpose of the teenage brain / Daniel J Siegel, M.D p cm Includes index ISBN 978-1-101-63152-2... and wonder-filled journey And to my mom, for keeping your inner adolescent alive and well and being an inspiration to us all Contents PRAISE FOR BRAINSTORM ALSO BY DANIEL J SIEGEL, M.D TITLE... conflict, and love.” —Harvey Karp, M.D., FAAP, author of The Happiest Toddler on the Block ALSO BY DANIEL J SIEGEL, M.D Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation The Developing Mind: How