The Leaching ofIan BurnsBy Audrey K. Agnothedy pdf

The Leaching of Ian Burns By Audrey K. Agnothedy ii TABLE OF CONTENTS Chapter 1: In the End, the Beginning 6 Chapter 2: My Initiation 14 Chapter 3: The First Nap 23 Chapter 4: The First Snoop 30 Chapter 5: Some Answers 38 Chapter 6: My First Introversion 43 Chapter 7: I’m ready to Listen 48 Chapter 8: Wandering 55 Chapter 9: I'd Just Like to Be Old 60 Chapter 10: The Watering Hole 64 Chapter 11: Julia to the Rescue 69 Chapter 12: Garden of Eden? 74 Chapter 13: The First Class 79 Chapter 14: Homework in Heaven 86 Chapter 15: Piecing It Together 97 Chapter 16: The Hangman 102 Chapter 17: Full of Myself, and Ready for Action 107 Chapter 18: Joint Effort 116 Chapter 19: Overwhelming Guilt 124 Chapter 20: Preparing for Emma 129 Chapter 21: Emma's Adjustment 136 Chapter 22: An Honest Conversation 146 Chapter 23: Anger Management, 1001 154 Chapter 24: Pow-Wow with the Guys 161 Chapter 25: Getting It All in the Past 164 Chapter 26: 9/11 178 Chapter 27: The Ocean Floor 183 iii Chapter 28: Little Irene 191 Chapter 29: A Trip to Hell 197 Chapter 30: I’m Ready to Work 206 Chapter 31: Communication is a Wonderful Thing 212 Chapter 32: Hardly a Break 216 Chapter 33: The Physics of Good and Evil 221 Chapter 34: Getting to Know Bill 226 Chapter 35: We’re a Team! 231 Chapter 36: And We’re Off! 235 Chapter 37: The Board Room 238 Chapter 38: Let the Tailing Begin! 246 Chapter 39: Check In With the Team 255 Chapter 40: Just Like in the Movies 262 Chapter 41: The Dinner Meeting 271 Chapter 42: What to do Next? 279 Chapter 43: The Devil in the Corner 282 Chapter 44: The Plot 286 Chapter 45: First Mission Accomplished 290 Chapter 46: Mission II, If I Choose to Accept 296 Chapter 47: Evil Incarnate 309 Chapter 48: Hermes’ Alter Ego 314 Chapter 49: The Race Is On 321 Chapter 50: Back to Work, Newly Focused 328 Chapter 51: What’s the Matter with Larry? 334 Chapter 52: A Meeting of the Minds 341 Chapter 53: Got ME Thinking 351 Chapter 54: My Shield Is Shattered 356 Chapter 55: Back to the Oil Gig 359 Chapter 56: Making Connections 366 iv Chapter 57: What about Henry? 374 Chapter 58: Moving Right Along 378 Chapter 59: I Asked For Excitement…. 384 Chapter 60: Fast Forward 388 Chapter 61: Leo, Lenny and Larry 392 Chapter 62: Larry’s Pet Peeve 403 Chapter 63: Danny’s Last Chance 412 Chapter 64: Leo and the Lawyer 420 Chapter 65: Larry’s Observations 426 Chapter 66: Change of Heart 430 Chapter 67: The Unthinkable Begins 434 Chapter 68: Gold Retrieval, On Steroids 439 Chapter 69: The Ultimate Catharsis 449 CAST OF CHARACTERS 452 COLOR CODE 454 VISUAL AIDS 454 5 6 1 In the End, the Beginning The pain was indescribable. A spray of sharp needles flying at my face wouldn't hurt as much. Instantly, it spread to my chest and then to my belly. ‘Help me! PLEASE, HELP ME!!’ My legs were next. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't scream. I couldn't see. I fell to my knees; then forward onto my face. Prone in the fire, through the fog of agony, I thought, ‘What have I done? WHAT HAVE I DONE?’ I became dizzy from lack of oxygen, but the pain seemed to be fading. I felt warm; not hot. And very light. I sat up (I think) but I couldn't see anything. I panicked. ‘I'M BLIND! Nooooo! Take my hearing, my sense of smell, my legs, anything BUT MY SIGHT!’ "Chill out, would you please," a calm voice near my shoulder said. "I'm here to help, but you've got to help me, too. I can't do this alone, you know. "WHAT!!! I'm burning alive and I’m supposed to help YOU!!?" "Yes. Now, just take a deep breath and relax." "RELAX!!!!? RELAX!! Are you crazy, or what!!?" "At least TRY to help me. Relax, and open your mind. Ask your question again, but mean it this time." I groaned. But, I suddenly realized, not from pain. There was no pain. Not even my usual old age aches and pains. My panic waned. ‘What question could this voice be talking about,’ I thought. "The one you asked just before you started whining about not being able to see," the now slightly annoyed voice said. My mouth was agape (I think). ‘She can read my mind!’ "Well? Do you want to know what you’ve done or not? We can't stay here forever, you know," she said impatiently. 7 "NO! I DON'T know! Who are you? Am I dead? Where ARE we?" I was starting to feel rather frustrated. "Gee, they told me you'd be an easy one. Okay, maybe 'chill out' wasn't a good choice of words, but you don't need to be in such a snit!" I had expected a guardian angel to be a bit more patient and helpful. “Are you taking me to hell?" I asked worriedly. "Aarrgghh!!" was her response. "You know you're not evil! You're just cranky. And stubborn. And cantankerous. And too curious for your own good. Now, do you want to know what you've done or not?" She was right about the curiosity. "I want to know what’s going on, if that’s what you mean," I replied. Instantly, the darkness was transformed into a warm, bright mist. It felt so good. So soft. So fuzzy. I didn't care if I ever saw anything again. I'd be perfectly content to stay in this suspended state forever, which is saying quite a lot, for me. A glimpse of the family and friends I'd leave behind ran through the depths of my mind, but they seemed ready to let me go. They didn't look too unhappy, though I thought I sensed a tear or two from one of them. I was dead, whether I liked it or not. I soon felt myself drifting down like a leaf in the autumn breeze. The fuzziness stayed above us, but the 'feel- goodness' stayed with me. ‘Not a cranky bone in my body for the first time in my life!’ I thought. My angel cleared her throat loudly. "Did you forget already? You're dead. Or at least the old you is no more. Look at yourself." I was a wisp of my former self. My basic form was the same, but I could see through my hand and I could slice my hand through my forearm with minimal resistance. "Does this mean I don't have to eat any more to stay aliv-I mean to stay dea I mean to exist?" Eating was a waste of time. There is, or was, so much else to do. 8 "You can do as you like. To eat, or not to eat, that's up to you. Here you can basically do whatever your soul desires. You can play football, golf, read, talk with friends, watch the mist swirl up above, play cards, or anything you wish you had more time for in life. Except sleeping. Sleeping is different here. It can really wear a soul out. Even the most productive sleepers have to wake up for a few hours to rest." I pinched myself, or tried to. My fingertips just touched each other through what looked like a skin-like substance. Did I just hear her say sleeping was hard work? I had lived to sleep! When I wasn't trying to sort out something interestingly complicated, that is. But, now that I thought about it, I didn't feel the least bit sleepy. Hummm, I could get used to this place. I looked around. We were at the top of a large treeless hill, or mountain, or volcano of some sort, ringed with various sized, shaped and colored bubbles connected by a conduit or conveyor belt sort of thing. A few feet away from where we had landed was a contraption making a humming noise. I stood up to get a better look. It could have been straight out of the airport baggage pick-up area. "Am I finally going to get all my luggage those darn airlines lost!? This really IS heaven!" I exclaimed happily, although I knew full well I would never need ANY luggage here, and my old stuff was gone forever. "I had heard that lost baggage is what makes up the rings of Saturn," I joked. My angel wasn’t amused. She looked like my first grade teacher, oh so many years ago. "Since most new arrivals are elderly, we let them ride to their pod," she responded matter- of-factly. ‘She doesn’t look so young herself,’ I thought, forgetting she could read my mind. But she actually smiled, and I got the feeling that being old here was a not necessarily a bad thing. After all, she did say I could play football if I wanted to - at my age! "What's a pod and how do I know which is mine?" I asked. 9 "A pod is the living space for a collection of kindred souls,” she explained. "No!" I felt a small surge of dread, though not as much as I'd have felt at the same thought in life. "I thought I was rid of the b !" The end of this feeling filled word did not come from my mouth. Rather, a small light gray dart flew out towards the angel at a fairly slow rate of speed. She dodged it without any apparent thought and little effort. "There is really no need for strong words here. We can read your feelings as well as your thoughts," was her response. ‘G—A ,’ I thought. A small tan fluff came out of my ear as I thought this less than heavenly phrase. ‘Is there no privacy here? How's a fella to pick his nose, or relieve himself?’ NOW the old bat laughed. It was a happy laugh, not filled with sarcasm. Somehow I knew why - bodily functions here are not necessary. "But a bit of freedom from prying angels has to be a rule here, doesn't it? I mean, some of us humans are, or were, bashful souls, ‘(alright, maybe not me)’. I just don't want my thoughts out in the open for all to enjoy. Surely there are some limits to this invasion!” ‘A guy could develop a healthy case of paranoia in this place,’ I thought. I became more than a bit annoyed, as an answer was not to be had. She just shook her head like the schoolmarm she most certainly had been. I swear I heard her cluck a ‘tsk, tsk’, even with the smile on her face. Luckily, another, more helpful looking soul appeared. "Hi, I'm Karl. I'd been assigned to you for years now, Mr. Burns. Sorry I couldn't be the one to bring you here, but events can't always be altered or predicted. I didn't expect you to do something so silly at your age. I thought you had a few more human years left in you." "No harm done," I said dryly. "This tremendously helpful lady kept me entertained with 'guess what I’m thinking' while I was trying to decide if I was dead or alive." I was sure to emphasize the helpfulness of my angel of deliverance. “By the way, you don’t look much older than a 10 teenie bopper, sonny.” I shot a sideways glance at Mrs. Cratchet as a comment on HER age. They looked at each other knowingly. "We are both MUCH older than you are, by decades. And her name is Pearl. Or Ms. Gates, if you’d like," Karl offered. "Well, if you ask me, neither of you are dry behind the ears. If I were your boss, you’d both be fired! What kind of place is this? Can't a human being get better service than having a fill-in angel sent when he's dying, for C 's s ?" A small brown thumb tack flew out of my mouth instead of this phrase. It bounced off Karl's ear. He didn't even flinch. "Being trusted to the less potent souls is an honor of sorts. It means you have more good in you than some, and needed less intervention. Or maybe I should say, you asked for guidance less often," he said. "You could have saved yourself a lot of headaches if only you had asked us for help more often." All this gibberish was very irritating. ‘Why the h would I have wanted THIS kind of help?’ I became more and more furious the more I thought about it. A puff of chocolate brown grit snorted from my left nostril. "Time to get to your pod, then," Karl said abruptly. I think he saw my innards start to churn with frustration. I couldn't handle any more of this kind of information. It was too illogical and I was starting to decompensate. Maybe Karl knew me pretty well after all. Riding the conveyor belt gave me time to calm down a bit. It moved quickly with just enough bumps to make the ride interesting without fear for one's life. Not that one's life needed to be worried about here…. I thought about being able to do anything I wanted here. I wondered if the golf courses were any good. "Hey!” I suddenly realized I had no clubs. “How am I supposed to play golf without MY clubs?! I can't use just any clubs, you know" I glared at the angel of deliverance with this question to see if the 'you know' phrase annoyed her as much as it had me. [...]... go through the lion Caught her right in the haunches, and broke her stride The young mother reached the child just as the lioness limped into the bush, with the men and arrows close behind her I stood, transfixed, staring at the bush, listening to the commotion as the men finished off the lioness ‘Poor thing,’ I thought ‘What if she has cubs?’ Apparently the men thought the same thing as they examined... where the blooming neck was! So there we was, the three of us and the parts if it, in a fight even past the end of the game The props were trying to calm the home team center down-I guess that's why Larry and Harry showed up- he just wouldn't cool off We even had to keep the blob out of the bus before the visiting team left for home Can you believe that gutless blob tried to get the driver to run the. .. her after they pulled her carcass into the open and noticed she had been nursing They talked among themselves for a short while in a heated discussion about whether or not they should go look for the cubs, as best I could tell from the gestures Eventually the older men were satisfied that they were right, and went back to their chores The younger men, and some boys, pouted and kicked at the dirt, obviously... in the landscape, they slowed down and started looking among the rocks and vegetation instead of looking for tracks on the ground They looked for quite some time in an area sheltered from the hot sun After a bit, they began to look rather discouraged They sat and began discussing options One pulled a piece of raw 27 meat out of his pocket The others nodded their heads as he went to place it in the. .. would be no happy ending Someone or something had to die It was the cubs to die this time Not at the hands of the young men, however I spotted one of the cubs atop one of the rocks, way too high up for the cub to get to by itself Whatever killed it took it there Two other cubs, or pieces of them, were at the base of the other side of the rock I felt numb It was a lot more fun watching a movie than... pod?" I asked Karl "No They have their hands full with the grouches they already tend You'll need more assistance than they can give you," he replied "Your pod is further down the hill They have more experience with your types of problems." ‘First they tell me I'm too good to need a decent angel, now they tell me I'm too challenging for the beginners I wish they'd make up their minds already,’ I groused... I felt myself rooting for the young men I wondered if I could help them find the cubs if I went back to sleep And I did Instantly The young men were splitting up Some went back to the huts, others headed to a water hole Only three slipped off into the bushes I followed this last group, as they seemed to be the ones elected to do the tracking They were very good at it, too They covered what seemed to... weren't real, so they could be entertaining This was real This was very real I was relieved I didn't have to watch the men kill the cubs It was sad enough to see the results of their violent demise I went to the young men to try to let them know about the cubs This time, I expected them to feel cool, and they did, but took it to mean that it was late rather than as a signal of something amiss They got up... faces The souls seemed to be in groups of comparable ages The younger ones were not as animated as the older ones, but they were still very happy Almost everyone had a glass with varying amounts of different color drinks It was easy to tell who had the most to drink - their beings were the color of their drinks Some had obviously tasted some of their neighbor’s drinks, as their colors were not the same... through the bushes and boulders and look!’ I smiled as I recognized that I was now talking to myself Not only was I dead, but crazy, too Or maybe not dead, just crazy? ‘THIS is crazy! I don't even know what those guys are going to do if they find the cubs Are they going to raise them? Where would they get milk to feed them? How could they keep them a secret from the elders?’ I paused to ponder these . had the most to drink - their beings were the color of their drinks. Some had obviously tasted some of their neighbor’s drinks, as their colors were not the same as the 19 fluid in their. make sense of THEIR rapid-fire speeches, either. Besides, the pod was so amazing it quickly pushed all my questions to the back of my mind. As she led the way through the pod, I could see there. looked as though the caretakers were just born themselves. "This is the newborn section. The intensive care nursery is off to the right and out of sight. Seeing the amount of work they