Healthy Anger: How to Help Children and Teens Manage their Anger Bernard Golden, Ph.D. OXFORD UNIVERSITY PRESS Healthy Anger Also by Bernard Golden New Hope for People with Bipolar Disorder (coauthored with Jan Fawcett and Nancy Rosenfeld) Healthy Anger How to Help Children and Teens Manage Their Anger Bernard Golden, Ph.D. 2003 Oxford New York Auckland Bangkok Buenos Aires Cape Town Chennai Dar es Salaam Delhi Hong Kong Istanbul Karachi Kolkata Kuala Lumpur Madrid Melbourne Mexico City Mumbai Nairobi São Paolo Shanghai Taipei Tokyo Toronto Copyright © 2003 by Bernard Golden Published by Oxford University Press, Inc. 198 Madison Avenue, New York, New York 10016 www.oup.com Oxford is a registered trademark of Oxford University Press All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without prior permission of Oxford University Press. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Golden, Bernard Healthy anger : how to help children and teens manage their anger / Bernard Golden p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 0–19–515657–9 1. Anger in children. 2. Anger in adolescence. 3. Child rearing. I. Title. BF723.A4 G65 2002 155.4'1247—dc21 2002022009 Criteria for depression and other disorders described in Chapter 17 are reprinted with permission from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, Text Revision. Copyright © 2000 American Psychiatric Association. “Warning Signs of Teen Violence,” brochure cited in Chapter 17. Copyright © 1999 by the American Psychological Association. Adapted with permission. For additional information, visit http://helping.apa.org/warningsigns. Typeset by Glen R.J. Mules, New Rochelle, NY 1 3 5 7 9 8 6 4 2 Printed in the United States of America on acid-free paper To Dale This page intentionally left blank Contents Acknowledgments ix Introduction 1 I Understanding and Recognizing Anger in Children and Teens 1 The Key Component for Anger Management: Your Relationship with Your Child 11 2 Guiding Principles of Healthy Anger 21 3 The Adverse Effects of Anger 29 4 A Comprehensive View of Anger 37 5 How Children and Teens Express Anger 65 II How to Apply the Model of Anger with Your Child or Teen 6 General Guidelines for Using the Model of Anger 97 7 Identifying Emotions Associated with Anger 102 8 Identifying and Confronting Self-talk Based on “Child Logic” 131 9 What Does Your Child Really Want or Need? 144 10 Making Sense of Anger in the World Around Us 161 11 Relaxation: A Primary Task in Managing Anger 180 12 I Need to Think About It 193 13 Okay, I’m Ready to Talk About It 205 14 Acceptance and Forgiveness 227 III Special Considerations 15 Rewarding Behaviors 255 16 Responding to Escalating Anger 270 17 Anger, Hostility, and Aggression: The Need for Special Support 280 Conclusion 302 Notes 305 Resources / Movies / Publications / Bibliography 308 Index 313 vii This page intentionally left blank Acknowledgments C ompleting this book marks the end of a very long and rewarding journey. It is one I have taken with the personal and professional support of family, friends, and colleagues. Therefore, I would like to ex - press my deepest gratitude to some of the many people who have helped make Healthy Anger possible. First, I am extremely grateful to Nancy Rosenfeld, my friend, my agent, and the source of the idea for New Hope for People with Bipolar Disorder, a book she and I coauthored with Dr. Jan Fawcett. The feed - back and encouragement she provided on that project and this book helped push me in a direction to make the manuscripts the best they could be. I am again, and still, appreciative of her determination, drive, and commitment to quality. I want to also thank the many friends and colleagues who over the years have listened to my ideas and offered critical feedback and support. Specifically, I want to thank Drs. Bonnie Holstein, Bonnie Rudolph, Frank Gruber-McCallister, Adrienne Allert, and Robert Marshall. I am also grateful to Ray Bramble, a friend and colleague who con- tributed to my doctoral research and for almost three decades listened to my plan to write a book about anger. I am especially thankful to Dr. Patricia Robbins for her thoughtful consideration and confidence in introducing me to Nancy Rosenfeld. I am most appreciative of Joan Bossert for her extremely supportive response when we first contacted Oxford. As vice president and associ - ate publisher, she gave this project a most powerful reception that con- vinced me that Oxford was the best possible publisher for this book. I am also grateful to other members of the Oxford team, including Helen Mules, Sue Warga, and Kim Robinson. I want to thank my mother for her love, support, and ongoing en - couragement, especially in the writing of this book. Finally, I want to thank the many clients and their families, the work - shop participants, and the students I have worked with, all of whom taught me many lessons regarding anger. January 2002 B.G. ix [...]... management involves helping children and teens understand that their anger tells them more about themselves than it does about the target of their anger It involves helping children develop skills in self-reflection to better understand and recognize other emotions related to their anger Similarly, in-depth anger management involves helping children and teens understand how their thinking impacts their. .. ability to share anger and other emotions 11 Healthy anger management involves being able to let go of anger 12 Learning theory and skills concerning anger management is an essential component for healthy emotional well-being In contrast, unhealthy anger management involves attempts to mask, deny, or avoid anger Children and teens who practice unhealthy anger management experience little control and may... they mismanage their anger Some may feel their hurt most deeply and attempt to stifle their anger Others deny their hurt, focus- 14 Understanding and Recognizng Anger in Children and Teens ing on and maintaining connection only with their anger Some children and teens deny their anger in order to avoid admitting to themselves the powerful influence others have had in leading them to feel hurt, disappointment,... opportunity to learn constructive ways of dealing with anger For the most part, they were children who learned to handle their anger by chance, without open and clear discussion, guidelines, and support I have also worked with children, teens, and adults whose anger was destructive to property, to others, and to themselves—individuals whose anger turned into aggression and who lacked clear and constructive... perceptions, and emotions Children confront an anger- 6 Healthy Anger provoking event with a personal history that influences how, when, and to what degree they may experience anger Some of the factors that contribute to this experience include expectations of others and oneself, the ability to be objective, past history with anger, and the ability to “sit with” emotional pain Comprehensive education for anger. .. may lead to our anger 6 The emotion of anger is distinct from the behavioral expression of anger 7 As we increase our awareness of thoughts and emotions leading up to anger, we gain increased freedom to choose how we express anger 8 Healthy anger management is based on specific skills that can be taught 9 Healthy anger management is based on being able to flexibly choose from a variety of anger management... very much related to their difficulties in recognizing, understanding, accepting, and managing anger These are often individuals who have become fearful of their own anger as well as that expressed by others Many of them are paralyzed by guilt and shame about their anger and are quick to minimize and suppress anger due to fears of rejection or abandonment These are children, teens, and adults who have... book, and I wish you patience and success as you respond to the demanding challenge of helping prepare your child to make sense of and manage anger in everyday life This page intentionally left blank I Understanding and Recognizing Anger in Children and Teens This page intentionally left blank 1 The Key Component for Anger Management: Your Relationship with Your Child n recent years it has become all too... helping children and teens who already display severe difficulties surrounding anger In contrast, Healthy Anger focuses on preparing children and teens to make sense of and manage anger long before it escalates to more serious forms of anger, which may include aggression It reflects the movement of positive psychology, emphasizing and fostering the development of knowledge and skills that are a part of healthy. .. conflict with each other Some have told us that we should make every effort to control all anger In contrast, others have emphasized that anger needs to be expressed, but they offer conflicting guidelines for how it should be managed It’s no wonder we have been confused about how anger should be handled, and even more baffled when trying to help children and teens manage theirs Fortunately, in recent years . Bernard Healthy anger : how to help children and teens manage their anger / Bernard Golden p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 0–19–515657–9 1. Anger in children. 2. Anger. to better understand and recognize other emotions related to their anger. Similarly, in-depth an - ger management involves helping children and teens understand how their thinking impacts their. on helping children and teens who already display severe difficul - ties surrounding anger. In contrast, Healthy Anger focuses on preparing children and teens to make sense of and manage anger