Building a Parenting Agreement That Works By Mimi E. Lyster How to Put Your Kids First When Your Marriage Doesn’t Last 6th edition SIXTH EDITION SEPTEMBER 2007 Editor EMILY DOSKOW Book & Cover Design SUSAN PUTNEY Proofreader PAUL TYLER Index MICHAEL FERREIRA Printing CONSOLIDATED PRINTERS, INC. Lyster, Mimi E. Building a parenting agreement that works: how to put your kids first when your marriage doesn’t last / by Mimi E. Lyster 6th ed. p. cm. Includes index. ISBN-13: 978-1-4133-0722-1 (pbk.) ISBN-10: 1-4133-0722-1 1. Custody of children United States Popular works. 2. Divorce settlements United States Popular works Popular works. I. Title. KF547.Z9L97 2007 346.7301'73 dc22 2007013006 Copyright © 1995, 1996, 1999, 2003, 2005, and 2007 by VDR Associates, Inc. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. PRINTED IN THE USA. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise without prior written permission. Reproduction prohibitions do not apply to the forms contained in this product when reproduced for personal use. Quantity sales: For information on bulk purchases or corporate premium sales, please contact the Special Sales Department. For academic sales or textbook adoptions, ask for Academic Sales. Call 800-955-4775 or write to Nolo, 950 Parker Street, Berkeley, CA 94710. Dedication To the children who liven up my life and fill our home with joy, Katelyn, Ben, Alysha, and Nichelle. And to my husband, Steve, whose love and support has carried me so far. Acknowledgments I continue to owe thanks to: • KevinElkus,JohnHelie,andSteveEliasforhelpingmeclingtothenotionthatour virtual team will yet pull a rabbit from some hat • theeditingdepartmentatNoloforhelpingtobringthiseditionintobeing,and • mymediationmentors,peers,andclientsforhelpingmetolearnwithincreasingclar- ity the power of facilitated dialogue decision making. I would also like to thank those that I have come to know and work with in California’s court system for their significant contributions to my understanding of this work and the evolving context within which families are helped to find satisfying and child-focused solu- tions to their parenting disputes. Table of Contents I Introduction Make Your Own Custody Decisions If Possible 2 What If We Need Outside Help? 3 Balancing Parenting and Financial Issues 3 Why is Book Is Unique 4 A Word to Skeptics 5 What If You Just Want to Fight? 6 Part I: Getting Started 1 Taking Stock of Your Situation You Are Not Alone 12 Keep Your Parenting Plan Focused on Your Children 12 It Gets Easier Over Time 13 Learn How to Negotiate 15 If the Other Parent Is Absent 16 If ere Is Violence or Abuse in the Family 16 2 An Introduction to Parenting Agreements What Parenting Agreements Cover 20 Advantages of Parent-Negotiated Agreements 20 Goals of a Successful Parenting Agreement 21 Parenting Agreements and Custody 23 3 Getting Organized Organize and Review Documents 26 Completing the Worksheets 27 Sample Worksheets 29 4 How to Negotiate a Parenting Agreement Knowing What You Need and Want 39 When Conflict Gets in the Way 40 Using Effective Negotiation and Problem-Solving Strategies 46 Breaking rough Impasses 51 Knowing Where to Get Help and Support 55 Part II: Your Parenting Agreement 5 Building Your Agreement Where to Begin 62 Cooperate! Cooperate! Cooperate! 63 Get Outside Help 63 Keep Your Agreement Current 64 6 Basic Elements Issue 1: Where Our Children Will Live 67 Issue 2: Medical, Dental, and Vision Care 75 Issue 3: Negative Comments or Remarks 77 Issue 4: Consistency in Raising Children 78 Issue 5: Holidays 79 Issue 6: Education 81 Issue 7: Insurance 85 Issue 8: Making Decisions 87 Issue 9: Resolving Disputes 90 Issue 10: Labeling the Custody Arrangement 94 7 Finishing Touches Issue 11: Exchanging Information 101 Issue 12: Child Care 103 Issue 13: Special Occasions and Family Events 106 Issue 14: Vacations 107 Issue 15: Outside Activities 108 Issue 16: Transportation Between Parents’ Homes 109 Issue 17: Improving Transition Times 111 Issue 18: Maintaining Contact 113 Issue 19: Grandparents, Relatives, and Important Friends 116 Issue 20: Psychiatric and Other Mental Health Care 117 Issue 21: Religious Training 118 Issue 22: Surname 120 Issue 23: Treating Each Child as an Individual 121 Issue 24: Separating the Adult Relationship Issues From the Parenting Issues 122 Issue 25: Making Routine Changes 124 Issue 26: Making Big Changes 126 Issue 27: Explaining the Agreement to Your Children 127 8 Serious Issues Issue 28: Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, and Child Neglect 130 Issue 29: Alcohol or Drug Abuse 135 Issue 30: Undermining the Parent-Child Relationship 137 Issue 31: Denying Access to the Children 138 Issue 32: If Extended Family Members or Close Friends Are Fueling the Dispute 139 9 Special Issues and Complicating Factors Issue 33: Moving 145 Issue 34: When Parenting Styles and Values Differ 150 Issue 35: When a Parent Needs to Develop Parenting Skills 153 Issue 36: When Parents Have New Partners 154 Issue 37: If Our Homes Are Far Apart 156 Issue 38: When Nonrelatives Live in the Home 157 Issue 39: Reinvolving a Parent Who Has Been Absent 158 Issue 40: Driving and Owning a Car, Motorcycle, or Off-Road Vehicle 160 Issue 41: International Travel and Passports 162 Issue 42: Military Service 163 Issue 43: Allowing Underage Marriage 164 Part III: Beyond Your Parenting Agreement 10 Child Support, Alimony, and Jointly Owned Property Understanding Child Support 168 Understanding Alimony or Spousal Support 171 Negotiating Child and Spousal Support 174 Dividing Jointly Owned Property 175 11 Making Mediation and Arbitration Work for You How Mediation Works 178 Why Mediation Works 178 Proposing Mediation 179 Understanding Basic Mediation Techniques 180 Why Mediation Works in Very Difficult Cases 185 What Mediators Don’t Do 187 Choosing Between Court-Ordered and Private Mediation 188 When the Mediator Makes a Recommendation to the Court 189 Custody Evaluations 189 Choosing a Mediator 190 Preparing for Mediation 191 If You Can’t Reach an Agreement 192 Alternatives to Mediation 193 12 Dealing With Changes in Your Agreement Why Changes Are Necessary—And How to Handle em 196 When You Are the One Initiating Change 197 When You Are the One Responding to a Request for Change 198 When Tensions Are Running High 199 What to Do After You Negotiate the Changes 200 13 Understanding Your Children’s Needs Strategies for Your Children at Any Age 202 Strategies for Your Children at Different Ages and Developmental Stages 207 Strategies for Children With Special Needs 211 14 Multiracial, Multicultural, and International Families Accommodating Differences in Child-Rearing Practices 214 Encouraging Children to Celebrate the Traditions of Both Parents 215 Sorting Out the Role of Power Within the Family 215 Working Within the American Legal System 216 Deciding Whether Another Country Has Authority Over Parenting (Custody) Issues 217 15 Nontraditional Families What Are Nontraditional Families? 220 e Legal Relationship of a Nontraditional Parent and His or Her Children 221 Recognizing the Nontraditional Parent’s Role 224 Resolving Conflict in a Way at Meets Your Family’s Needs 225 Creating New Relationships After the Divorce or Separation 225 16 State and Federal Laws Affecting Child Custody Custody and Visitation 228 Best Interests of the Child 230 Mediation 235 Interference With Custody 237 Interstate Custody Disputes 237 International Custody Disputes 238 Custody and the IRS 239 17 Help Beyond the Book Researching Legal Issues 243 Researching Nonlegal Issues 246 Research on the Internet 247 Finding Professionals Who Can Help 248 Additional Resources 253 Bibliography 256 A Appendix: Tear-Out Forms Worksheet 1: Describe Your Child Worksheet 2: Describe Your Relationship With Your Child Worksheet 3: Adding the Details Worksheet 4: Checklist of Issues for Your Parenting Agreement Parenting Agreement Index I INTRODUCTION Introduction Make Your Own Custody Decisions If Possible 2 What If We Need Outside Help? 3 Balancing Parenting and Financial Issues 3 Why is Book Is Unique 4 is Book Builds an Agreement at Can Work and Change Over Time 4 is Book Offers Real-World Solutions to Parenting Issues 4 is Book Is for Married and Unmarried Parents 4 is Book Is for Nontraditional Families and Families With Different Cultural Backgrounds 5 is Book Is for Families With One Child or Many Children 5 is Book Can Be Used With or Without Professional Help 5 is Book Is a Work in Progress 5 A Word to Skeptics 5 What If the Conflict Is Really Intense? 6 If the Other Parent Won’t Budge 6 What If You Just Want to Fight? 6 Custody Litigation Is Unpredictable 6 Custody Litigation Is Usually Costly 7 Custody Litigation Damages the Children Regardless of the Result 7 Avoid Litigating Your Custody Dispute If at All Possible 8 2 | BUILDING A PARENTING AGREEMENT THAT WORKS T his is a book for parents who want to reach the best possible agreement about how they will share and divide their parenting responsibilities during or after a separation or divorce. Whether the separation or divorce was your idea or not, this book will help you consider your current situation and look toward the future with confidence that your children’s needs and best interests will stay at the center of your planning process. It can help you draft your first agreement and, later, modify your agreement or court order once things have settled down—or when your lives or your children’s needs change. is type of agreement can have many names. Most commonly, it’s called a “child custody” or “child custody and visitation” agreement. Because these agreements cover much broader issues than custody and visitation, we refer to them as “parenting agreements” and “parenting plans.” Whatever label you (or your state’s courts) use, parenting plans usually cover: •wherethechildrenwilllive •howyouandyourex-spousewillmake necessary decisions about your children •howchildrenwillspendtimewitheachof their parents and any other people who are important to them, and •howthechildren’smedical,emotional, educational, spiritual, physical, and social needs will be met. ese are important issues. So are the needs, worries, and wishes that you, the other parent, and your children bring to this process. is book will help you think about how you can meet your children’s needs in the midst of all the changes. Parents are not entirely alone in deciding how to parent after they separate or divorce. Ultimately, the state has a duty to pay attention to a child’s needs when parents split up. is is especially true when a child’s parents cannot agree—or are fighting about—how a child will be raised or cared for. It’s possible to negotiate your own parenting plan and not have it turned into a court order. is is rare, however. Most parenting agree ments become a court order. If, for example, you go to court to get a divorce or legal separation or to resolve a dispute about property, assets, or debts, you’ll almost surely get a court order regarding child custody and visitation as well. You also may end up in court if you and the other parent disagree about where your children should live or how decisions should be made on their behalf. If you go to court to solve the problem, you will end up with a court order regarding child custody and visitation. If you and the other parent can work with each other or the court to develop a thoughtful plan, it can become a valued centerpiece of a separation, divorce, or other dispute—one that will allow you and the other parent to move on with your lives. Make Your Own Custody Decisions If Possible When parents first think about custody and parenting issues, they are often in the middle of a separation or divorce. It can be difficult to keep hurt and angry feelings about the other parent from affecting their decisions about their children’s future. Often a parent’s first instinct is to demand “full custody” of the children. All too often the other parent responds in kind. ese instinctive responses only add to the cost and pain of a divorce. e end result benefits no one and can make the process more painful for everyone involved, particularly the children. [...]... Balancing Parenting and Financial Issues Separation and divorce ften require parents o to deal with financial issues such as dividing property, paying marital debts, and providing for support Although this book focuses only on parenting issues, you may find that many of the 4 | building a parenting agreement that works fi nancial issues are easier to tackle and resolve when you start with an agreement. .. custody agreements are the product of a full court trial In most cases, parents negotiate their own agreement, often 22 | building a parenting agreement that works How Children React to Conflict in Divorce The American Academy of Child and Adoles cent Psychiatry (AACAP) recommends that parents step back and consider how their divorce may impact their children—and find ways to talk to children that will address... stable parenting arrangement About this time, many realize that their arrangements need at least a few changes to accommodate changes in their own or their children’s lives In fact, many mediators report that significant numbers of families renegotiate their first parenting agreements at this two-year point chapter 1 | taking stock of your situation | 15 No matter what stage of the separation you are... that can help you strike this balance include: • negotiating your parenting agreement in stages (see Chapter 6) • going to mediation (see Chapter 11) • finding a counselor (see Chapter 17), or • hiring a “collaborative” lawyer (see Chapter 17) Increase Fairness Parents, children, and professionals agree that the most successful agreements are those that the parties can describe as fair, meaning that. .. parenting agreement In addition, parents often question whether any plan can transform the anger, pain, confusion, and disarray of the breakup into a viable parenting plan Take heart! The experiences of the vast majority of families who separate or divorce show that conflict, legal or otherwise, is far less than the media—or lawyers—would have us believe In fact, study after study shows that only about... arrangements parents make about parenting separately during a separation or following a divorce Common convention and state laws describe these arrangements as “custody” decisions The term parenting agreement better reflects the needs and involvement of all concerned because it implies that the agreement is comprehensive and tailored to meet each family’s needs What Parenting Agreements Cover Parenting agreements... mediation 6 | building a parenting agreement that works What If the Conflict Is Really Intense? Conflict is a natural and normal part of separation, divorce, and separate parenting To presume otherwise would do you, the other parent, and your children a dis ervice But s conflict—even intense conflict—is not reason enough to assume you cannot negotiate a parenting agreement Chapters 4 and 11 contain... gradually By taking it slowly, you m will have time to see what makes the most sense in the long run The key to success is to separate the adult relationship issues from the parenting issues and develop a clear, child-centered plan that each parent can easily follow 14 | building a parenting agreement that works Divorce and Separation Aren’t Only About Ending an Intimate Relationship Separation and divorce... needs for parenting plans are just the same as their separated or divorced counterparts Although most of the examples here are written as though a legal marriage had taken place (and the terms “separation” and “divorce” appear throughout the book), parents who were never married can assume that the examples apply to them as well introduction | 5 This Book Is for Nontraditional Families and Families... violence or emotional abuse issues in Chapters 4, 8, and 17 After you have found a way to address these safety issues, you can try to use this book to build a parenting agreement that can help you now and over time as the situation changes or improves ● 2 C H A P T E R An Introduction to Parenting Agreements What Parenting Agreements Cover 20 Advantages of Parent-Negotiated Agreements . parenting issues, you may find that many of the 4 | BUILDING A PARENTING AGREEMENT THAT WORKS financial issues are easier to tackle and resolve when you start with an agreement that serves your children’s. If at All Possible 8 2 | BUILDING A PARENTING AGREEMENT THAT WORKS T his is a book for parents who want to reach the best possible agreement about how they will share and divide their parenting. parent that can accommodate the children. Clearly, decisions about finances a ect parenting issues just as decisions about parenting issues can a ect finances. is book assumes that, to the greatest