College Essay Workshop Handout How to Write Great College Essays Copyright © 2011 by Collegewise, LLC Introduction “Ninety percent of the applications I read contain what I call McEssays .They are technically correct in that they are organized and have the correct sentence structure and spelling, but they are boring Sort of like a Big Mac.” -Parke Muth, Senior Assistant Dean (Former) Office of Undergraduate Admission, University of Virginia in “Writing the Essay: Sound Advice from an Expert” Why is this significant? • The University of Virginia is a very competitive college Almost every student admitted has 4.0 GPA in high school, and their average SAT score is over 2,000 Yet this admissions officer is saying that if he reads 100 essays in a day, only about 10 of them are interesting • Great college essays can come from “A” students, “C” students and everyone in between • Why so many high-achieving students write boring college essays? How is it possible that a “C” student could write a great college essay, even if he doesn’t usually well on his assigned essays in his English classes? • You don’t have to be a straight-A student to write a great college essay You don’t have to love writing You don’t even need an inspirational, tragic or dramatic story But you will need to write differently Copyright © 2011 by Collegewise, LLC Tip #1: Don’t try to impress the admissions officers; just be honest How would you feel if a fellow student said this to you: “During my junior year, I was fortunate enough to be given the unique opportunity to perform over 50 hours of volunteer work at the hospital I sought out the internship because of my interest in becoming a doctor, and I believed the hospital would allow me to broaden my knowledge about medicine The experience has been extremely rewarding, because I feel that I am truly making a difference in the lives of the children that I work with.” What's wrong? • This student is trying too hard to impress That’s what most kids when writing college essays • When you try to guess what will sound impressive, you write what every other student writes • Let your application impress the admissions officers Let your essays help admissions officers get to know you • Our first essay example is Megan Megan was a very good student who decided to admit in her essay that she had lost every election she’d ever run for Her essay is on the next page Copyright © 2011 by Collegewise, LLC Megan’s Essay: I am a Good Loser I am a good loser It is an art that I have perfected When I was six, I lost a button up my nose I put it up there and it never came back My mother took me to the doctor and he couldn’t find anything To this day I have no idea where the button went For all I know it could still be up there When I was a sophomore, I ran for sophomore class president I stood up in front of my classmates, read a speech filled with big words and fancy phrases, and lost The same thing happened when I ran for ASB president my junior year One week after that bitter defeat, I re-used my campaign posters and ran for junior class president I rattled off another inspired speech, and lost I was starting to perfect my art I knew I was good, but I never knew just quite how good I had become I honed my expertise at my first National Honor Society meeting We had to elect a president, vice president, secretary, and treasurer I lost all four elections in a matter of twenty-five minutes Who can boast that kind of speed and precision? I had finally mastered my art But I don’t feel like I’ve lost Ironically, my losses have opened doors of involvement in other areas that might not have been available to me I have committed my time away from what would have been ASB meetings, to being a lector at my church Once a month, I stand up in front of a crowded church filled with my peers, elders, and the priest, and attempt to proclaim the Word of God Every week, I am complimented on my public speaking ability I have never lost my composure I was able to spend my entire summer working at Special Camp for Special Kids, a camp for children with physical and mental disabilities It was there I met Alyssa, a twelve-year-old girl with Spina Bifida In a large, open gym, Alyssa and I turned on Britney Spears music as loud as we could and danced—me doing my best modern dance interpretation, and Alyssa in her wheelchair laughing at me because I was an embarrassment to the human race On the last day of camp, she wrote me a thank-you note Scribbled in pencil on a little Hallmark card, Alyssa had written, "Megan- Thank you for making my week so much fun!" I will never lose that note If I had been elected ASB President, I could not have been elected as a "gladiator" of our spirit rallies twice Dressed in my school’s colors, I put on skiing goggles while running over, and flying under, tables in an effort to win "spirit points" for the class of 2009 The entire school cheered me on, staring in awe as I flew under the last table and hit my head hard enough to make a sound resembling a small sonic boom I didn't lose anybody's attention, and I certainly didn’t lose any spirit points I am a good loser I'll give myself that But each time I’ve lost, I’ve continued to try I’ve never lost my spirit I’ve never lost my drive I’ve never lost an opportunity just because I was afraid to fail I have tried so many other things and found success in those other areas that my losses have actually allowed me to win So much of my life exists before me—so many obstacles, so many challenges, so much fun I want to try all of it What I have to lose? Reflections on Megan's essay: • Does she sound like someone they’d want to hang out with in college? Why? • Most kids would never talk about this in a college essay because they’d worry it’s not impressive But Megan wasn’t worried that colleges would think she was just a big loser She was honest and comfortable just being herself And she got into every college she applied to • You don’t have to be an “A” student like Megan to follow this advice And you don’t have to write a funny essay about a failure Copyright © 2011 by Collegewise, LLC Brad’s Essay : Gone Fishin’ My dad and I go fishing together once a month It’s a tradition that we started when I was four years old We load up the car with our poles and tackle, get dressed up in all our fishing gear, and my mom packs us some sandwiches to take with us in a cooler We leave before the sun comes up and make the three-hour drive to the lake Then we find our favorite spot on the shore, cast our lines, and spend a relaxing day fishing together Over the years, my dad has taught me everything he knows about fishing He grew up in Oregon and used to go fishing with his dad when he was a kid Now he’s passing that knowledge on to me I always looked forward to our weekends fishing together when I was little, and I still today When I was about 13, I turned into a typical teenager Every time that weekend came around to go fishing with my dad, there were always a bunch of other things I would rather have been doing I would worry about missing out on fun with my friends Being out on a lake with my dad never seemed as exciting as it was when I was a little kid But I always went And to tell you the truth, I’ve always been glad when I did Once I get out there with my dad, I’m always happy I made the trip When my dad and I are fishing on the lake, it’s the only time that we’re not father and son He doesn’t lecture me about why I should be doing better in school, and I’m not disagreeing with every single thing he says We’re just two friends fishing The funny thing is that we never catch any fish I think we’ve caught two fish in all our years of doing this My dad seems to know what he’s doing, so I think that maybe there just aren’t that many fish in the lake we go to But it doesn’t matter What’s most important is that we get to spend that time together One thing that’s great about fishing is hearing my dad tell stories I never knew this, but he and my mom actually met in college when she was his tutor I guess my dad wasn’t a very good student and my mom had to help him pass all his classes in his business major He told me while we were fishing that he never would have done well in college without my mom’s help Today, my dad is the chief operating officer of a large computer software firm It made me feel better to know that my dad struggled in school like me I probably never would have heard that if we didn’t take our fishing trips together There are still some weekends when I really want to stay home and hang out with my friends instead of going fishing, but I always make the trip with my dad None of my friends get to this with their dads I feel lucky that we have this tradition together I know that next year when I go to college, my dad and I will have to stop doing our monthly fishing trip But I also know that when I come home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, spring break and for next summer, my dad and I are going to pack up the car, find our favorite spot on the lake, and spend six hours not catching any fish just like we’ve always done Reflections on Brad's essay: • Brad doesn’t have a dramatic story to tell He’s not funny like Megan, and he doesn’t write quite as well as she does But he shared something that was important to him; and we feel like we get to know him a little better, too • The most important college essay concept for kids to understand—and there is no close second—is that when you try too hard to be impressive, you write a boring college essay Almost every college essay mistake kids make, from injecting deep meaning that wasn’t really there, to resorting to clichés, to sharing safe and unrevealing stories, are all products of too much effort to impress the admissions office • To write great college essays, start by just being yourself Copyright © 2011 by Collegewise, LLC Tip #2: Own your stories “Owning your story” means that a story is yours—one that nobody else can tell The way to take ownership of a story is to inject as much detail as possible so that nobody else could tell quite the same story Go back over the two previous essays and point out how those students took ownership of their stories Review these sample passages to show students how details can take ownership of an otherwise common story Example #1 (Without detail): “I was extremely nervous before the orchestra started playing However, I knew that this was an important performance and that I needed to play well I took a deep breath, relaxed, and did my best to concentrate.” With detail: “I was sitting there on the stage with my violin resting on my shoulder, and I was sure I’d never been that nervous I looked out into the crowd of 200 people and somehow, I found my dad He was holding his video camera, the same camera that’s been in our family since I was ten My dad loves recording everything I with that video camera It’s the same camera he used to record my first home run in little league and my entrance onstage in my first school play Now, as I was about to play as the first chair violinist in my community orchestra, there was my dad, once again, with our family video camera ready to go Something about seeing him there just made me feel more relaxed and comfortable I knew I was going to be OK My dad gave me a quick thumbs-up and mouthed the words, ‘Good luck.’ As the conductor raised his wand, I smiled at my dad, nodded back at him, and started to play.” Example #2: (Without detail): “Our soccer team’s bond is not limited to the field We are together at school almost every day and share a sense of sisterhood This is what makes soccer so rewarding.” With detail : “On game days, you’ll notice our sea of blue jackets weaving in and out of the other students in the hallway You can hear the ’flop…flop’ of our Adidas soccer sandals that are just now getting comfy after three years of wear You can always spot Gina, our goalkeeper, who’s covered in bandages and gauze and looks like she requires immediate medical attention Sometimes when I’m in that sea of blue jackets, I think about all those mornings during the summer when we met early at my house to go for six-mile runs in the canyon I think about the soccer camps in Fresno when it was 100 degrees, the carwash fundraisers we did to get our new uniforms, and all the late-night talks we’ve had about how badly we want to bring a championship banner to our school I’m proud to wear one of those blue jackets But more importantly, I’m proud to play with these girls I love soccer, but my team is what makes it so worth it for me.” How to "own your story" • When you’re writing your college essays, ask yourself, “could somebody else be telling this same story?” If the answer is “yes,” add more detail and take ownership of it • If you can’t come up with enough details to take ownership of a story, it’s probably not a good story to share in a college essay Copyright © 2011 by Collegewise, LLC Tip #3: Don’t repeat information from the rest of your application Tell your students that there are two ways to make sure they don’t repeat information • Pick a story that has not been mentioned anywhere on your application OR • Write about something that has been listed on the application, but share new information about it that the admissions office didn’t know yet Roderick’s Essay: Home Cooking My mom has a picture in a photo album at home When I asked where it was taken, she told me it was our house when we lived in Ohio Wow, I was surprised Every time I look at the picture it's like a before and after commercial There were clothes everywhere, with books and newspapers stacked all over the place It was a mess It looked like kids ran the house (at times we probably did) Now, my house would never look like that My mother, our house, and I have changed a lot since then My mother had me when she was sixteen years old She didn't know how to properly clean a house or cook a good meal, but she was determined to learn how to those things to become a better mother for her children Sixteen years later, my mother’s cooking is the best I know that nine out of every ten kids say that about their mother’s cooking, but I'm positive that my mother’s cooking is the best I am in love with my mother’s fried chicken It’s like we were made for each other Sometimes I cheat on fried chicken with the seductive candy yams But I'm married to the cornbread I see her every night I'm probably the only small guy that can say that I eat food with a passion A meal of my mother's absolutely brightens up my day If I didn't get full, I'd eat all night But my mother doesn't all of this alone My two brothers and I work in a rotation around the house One week, my job will be the kitchen, my brother Darnell will be cleaning the living room, and Julius will be scrubbing the bathroom It's like a clock The next Sunday, we’ll rotate jobs And it's not just straightening up; it’s cleaning up "spic and span" as my mother likes to call it My day begins when football practice ends At the end of practice, when the coach yells, “Bring it up, Bring it up!" everyone yells as the whistles blow My teammates are happy because the practice is over But when I jog into the huddle tired from all of the hard work, my mind isn't on how tired I am I’m thinking, “Man…I have to clean up that bathroom when I get home.” There is always a certain day out of the week my mother asks me to pull some food out of the freezer for her to cook that night I'm always looking for something to be fried So I might pull something out like pork chops About an hour later my mother gets up and starts to fry the pork chops while my brother Darnell is washing a pot for her to cook the macaroni in As the pork chops fry and the macaroni is being stirred, my mother calls Julius to come open the peas and put them in the pot When everything is just about done she calls me to come make the cornbread As the food cooks, we talk This is our quality time together When the food is done, my mother calls everyone to the table and we eat We talk about football with my little brother and tell my other brother that he should play football, too My mother officiates and tells us that he can play basketball if he wants to Then we watch Dancing with the Stars As everyone is starting to finish, Darnell is yelling, "Y'all better wash y'all plates!" while my mom yells, “Y'all better clean up before you go to sleep!" As we clean, Julius procrastinates so my mom calls out, "Okay I'm gonna wake you up out of your sleep!” As he begins to vacuum, I scrub the toilet My night ends with a relaxing shower, my homework and some music before my eyes close My mother and I have come a long way from that picture It was a gift to be born to such a young mother We’ve grown up together We’re like partners, molding each other, pushing each other, and growing with each other And like my mother has watched me grow into a man, I have watched things like her cooking blossom, growing beautifully through rough times My mother has helped me so much by accepting my birth as a gift instead of a burden When I go off to college, I know I'm going to miss my mother and her cooking But I can't wait to come across problems so I can face them with the arsenal of qualities I’ve been given from the beautiful mother that God has blessed me with Reflection on Roderick's essay • Colleges would never have known this story from the rest of Roderick’s application Copyright © 2011 by Collegewise, LLC Ben’s Essay: Playing the Field My mom has a picture of me as a freshman marching in a field show in the band; I’m wearing a football uniform I remember that day I was running late and didn’t have time to change I felt sorry for those marching near me because of the locker room stench, but I did march in the show, and that’s what was important It was a full day—two football practices with a band show sandwiched between I know the two activities seem like complete opposites, but they’re the same in that I love them both The only plus that the trombone has over football is that football season comes and goes, but the trombone is always there When I was nine, my parents encouraged me to play the trombone My doctor, however, had a different opinion He thought my asthma would prevent me from playing a wind instrument At first, it seemed his prediction would be right; the first time I picked up the trombone, I had trouble playing past fifth position (there are two more further than that on a trombone)—but not because I ran out of breath The difficulty arose because the trombone was bigger than I was I tried and tried to get out to sixth, but my little arms couldn’t reach it Seventh position was a dream and was nowhere to be seen The enormous trombone became smaller and smaller during the following years, and by the time I reached high school I had already been in the Southern California School Band and Orchestra Association (SCSBOA), Honor Jazz band, and had won a conference title in football I began football when I first joined band, and ever since then I’ve been balancing my schedule It’s gotten harder as both activities have gotten more involved I constantly run from football to band and vice versa Sometimes I have football practice in the morning and have to leave early to make the bus for a parade and then later that night perform in a field show It’s the same with jazz—I’ve shown up to several performances just in time to throw a shirt and tie over my sweating body There is a major difference between football and band Since I’m an offensive lineman, I live in obscurity on the football field, but in jazz band, many times I will have a solo, which gives me the chance to “show my stuff.” There’s nothing wrong with being in the “under-appreciated trenches,” and sometimes it’s more fun to play without having to worry about every single person watching your every move I can blend in as a football player, but not as a musician In jazz, I can be the center of attention During one of the Honor Jazz groups, I had a lengthy solo, and it was the most nervous five minutes I ever had because everyone in the room really knew jazz; there was no way that I could fake what I was doing The result was the best improvisational solo I had played It felt amazing I have come a long way from a nine-year-old who had to be encouraged to play the trombone I’m now a sixfoot, 245-pound offensive lineman, one who, incidentally, plays a mean trombone My goals for college haven’t changed very much from those that I set for myself a long time ago I want to continue playing football, one of my favorite activities Not forgotten are my academic goals Lastly, my goal for music is very simple—to keep playing the trombone Playing the trombone helps me relieve my stress and keeps me connected to my childhood One day, far in the future, I hope to be like the baritone saxophone player in “Tower of Power” who must be helped onto the stage, but once he’s there, he blows everyone away with his music In essence, everything in life will come and go, but the trombone will always be there Reflections on Ben's essay • Admissions officers would have known from the activity listing on his application that Ben played both football and the trombone But they never would have known what it’s like to juggle those two activities simultaneously • This essay was sharing new information about something that had already been mentioned in the application Copyright © 2011 by Collegewise, LLC Tip #4: Your essays should sound like you Let’s say you were going to write an essay about how you struggled but prevailed in chemistry Here are two different versions of a first paragraph: “Throughout our lives, we are often forced to confront challenges Oftentimes, we are able to learn the most valuable lessons from challenges that we successfully overcome I found this to be the case when I chose to enroll in AP chemistry my junior year In spite of my best efforts, I consistently struggled with chemistry (my natural strengths are in English and history) But I persevered, and I’m very thankful that I did, as I successfully completed the course and proved to myself that I can finish what I start.” “In the middle of my junior year, chemistry and I were having irreconcilable differences The divorce was going to get ugly Really ugly I don’t know why, but no matter how many days I spent after school while my teacher, Mr Chapman, patiently tried to help me, I just couldn’t get it In fact, after finishing the class, pretty much the only thing I’m sure about when it comes to chemistry is that I could never be a chemist Believe me, that’s good news for the scientific community.” Which of those essays would you want to keep reading? Why? • This is the biggest difference between college essays and the academic essays you write in your high school English classes Academic essays are formal—your opinion and personality shouldn’t be in them But college essays should sound like you • To keep from being too formal, ask yourself, “is this something I would actually say to someone else?” • To keep from being too informal, ask, “how would I say this if I were describing it to my favorite teacher?” Copyright © 2011 by Collegewise, LLC The most overused college essay stories (and how to fix them) “Sports taught me the importance of teamwork and committing to my goals.” Problem: This student doesn’t own the story He describes what life is like for every athlete Solution: Find a story about athletics that you own And if you can’t find a story you own, just write about something else The sport will be still listed on your application “My trip to another country broadened my horizons.” Problem: This essay essentially says, “France is very different from America—the food, the language, the customs But I learned to appreciate the differences and to adapt to the ways of the French.” Solution: Make yourself, not the country, the focus of the essay If you don’t have a travel story that will help them get to know you better, pick a different story “Community service taught me the importance of helping people.” Problem: This student breaks all the rules He tries to be impressive He doesn’t own the story He repeats information from the application and says things he wouldn’t say to someone else Solution: Don’t write about community service just to get the admissions office to notice the activity Write about it if it really was important to you, if you really feel a connection to the organization or the people Make sure you’re not just repeating what they already know, and tell a story that you own “My leadership position proves that I can work well with others.” Problem: Lots of applicants choose their most impressive activity and tell a story about how the activity helped them develop admirable traits like leadership skills, the ability to manage their time, the skill to work with others, etc Most of those essays sound exactly the same Solution: Only write about an activity if you can take ownership of the story And never write about an activity just to make sure the admissions office will notice it 10 Copyright © 2011 by Collegewise, LLC A review: Four tips for writing great college essays Use this page as a reminder while brainstorming and writing your essays Don’t try to impress the admissions officers Just be honest Tell the truth and be yourself Don’t worry as much about what’s going to sound good or what they want to hear Colleges just want to get to know you better Own your story Write stories that nobody else could write by including as much detail as you can If you can’t find detail for a story, consider another story Don’t repeat information from the rest of your application Write about things you haven’t mentioned on your application Or use the essay to share new information about something that you’ve already mentioned Sound like you Write things that you would actually say to someone else And use language as if you were describing this out loud to a teacher you respect and feel comfortable with Your essays should sound like you 11 Copyright © 2011 by Collegewise, LLC Who is Collegewise? Getting into college has become a stressful affair for many families We’re out to change that Collegewise is a college counseling company founded on the belief that the college process should be an enjoyable one for families and that the most selective colleges don’t have the market cornered on great college experiences If your family could use some good advice and would like to feel better about the upcoming journey to college, you might enjoy the resources below How can you find out more about us? Visit our website at www.collegewise.com You can find out about our programs, learn about our counselors and their backgrounds, and hear from students and parents who’ve worked with us Register for our monthly email newsletter Our free monthly email newsletter includes helpful tips, reminders of important deadlines, and information about great colleges you might not know about Just visit our website at www.collegewise.com and click on our newsletter sign-up icon at the bottom of the page Read our blog at www.wiselikeus.com We write a college admissions blog where we give away free advice for students, parents and counselors And we write an entry every day Stop by and visit us Rhiannon Schade, director of college counseling at Collegewise of Millburn, can be reached at rhiannons@collegewise.com or 908-899-1430 12 Copyright © 2011 by Collegewise, LLC ... important college essay concept for kids to understand—and there is no close second—is that when you try too hard to be impressive, you write a boring college essay Almost every college essay mistake... 2011 by Collegewise, LLC A review: Four tips for writing great college essays Use this page as a reminder while brainstorming and writing your essays Don’t try to impress the admissions officers... high-achieving students write boring college essays? How is it possible that a “C” student could write a great college essay, even if he doesn’t usually well on his assigned essays in his English classes?