The Corporate America Survival Guide Published by Piers T. Benjamin Copyright © 2012 Piers T Benjamin Smashwords Edition All Rights Reserved Cover Photo: New York State of Mind, by Andy Gee http://www.flickr.com/photos/andymcgee/4816181437/sizes/o/ Copyright © 2012 used via Creative Commons Smashwords Edition, License Notes This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard word of the author. Biography Piers T. Benjamin is just another corporate drone trying to get by, but he knows better than to believe the hype his employer spits out every weekday. He wears a suit and tie, has an MBA from a top business school, and works in a major American city. He is married to a beautiful blond trophy wife, has 2.5 kids, lives in the suburbs, drives a luxury SUV, and plays golf at the country club. If you look around, you may even find that he is sitting in the cubicle right next to you. Follow Piers at: http://www.ptbenjamin.com https://www.facebook.com/piers.t.benjamin “If you look annoyed all the time, people think you’re busy.” George Costanza “Work is the refuge of people who have nothing better to do” Oscar Wilde “America is a country that doesn't know where it is going but is determined to set a speed record getting there.” Laurence J. Peter “One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.” Bertrand Russell “I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” Jerome K. Jerome “Being busy does not always mean real work.” Thomas Edison “Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you're just sitting still?” J. Paul Getty “The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” Robert Frost “Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.” Mark Twain “If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?” Laurence J. Peter Table of Contents Introduction Lesson 1: Corporations do not have souls. Lesson 2: It’s a game. Keep score. Lesson 3: Never be the person who cares the most. Lesson 4: Synergy is a dirty word. Lesson 5: Once you leave, you’re dead to us. Lesson 6: When in doubt, nod and smile. Lesson 7: Let your freak flag fly. Lesson 8: Bathroom Stalls; the new corner office. Lesson 9: Your boss has no life. Lesson 10: Corporate culture is a myth. Lesson 11: If you do the job too well, you’ll never get promoted. Lesson 12: Everybody panic!! Lesson 13: It’s their shit. Lesson 14: The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Don’t squeak. Lesson 15: It’s not like anyone died on the operating table. Lesson 16: After five, my life is mine. Lesson 17: Fuck it. Introduction Ok, let’s just put this out on the table. For most of us, Corporate America is a soul-crushing, unimaginative, alternate universe where the laws of common sense and reason don’t apply and busywork is rewarded with inflated egos and long titles. It’s like Alice in Wonderland, except CEOs in the United States sit in luxurious conference rooms and drink coffee instead of attending the Mad Hatter’s tea party (they do dress alike, though, and I’d love to see top hats and pocket watches come back in fashion). Odds are, that’s why you picked up this book. Every now and then (perhaps every day), there is this moment of clarity where you probably shake your head and laugh, or yell, or cry at the insanity of it all. Maybe it’s in your car, or during lunch. Maybe it’s at happy hour, or at dinner with your spouse or partner. Regardless, we all want to know that we’re not the only one who feels this way. Trust me, you’re not. This book was written for two reasons; first, to help you cope and know that there are others like you out there. People with real lives that are more important than what’s going on at the office. People who know that a job is just a job and that when we shuffle off this mortal coil, our last dying thought will not be, “I should’ve finished that report for Patterson.” It amazes me how easy it is for all of us to get sucked into believing that work is the driving force behind our essence and being, and hopefully this book with bring you back into reality with a sense of humor and irreverence for your employer. Secondly, I hope this book will truly help you cope with your job and keep things into perspective. Although much of this text is tongue-in-cheek, there are some kernels of truth to each of these lessons, all of which can be applied to your daily life. Some of these I’ve learned myself through decades in the corporate world. Others have been wisely handed-down to me from the most unlikely people – those corporate cogs who never seem (or want) to climb the corporate ladder. That guy who always has a “meeting” at 4:00 every day and has had the same job for 15 years without a care in the world? Management doesn’t like him, but he may be your office Yoda in disguise. There’s a reason he’s able to shrug everything off, actually go on vacation without checking his blackberry 12 times a day, and is up-to-date on pop culture. The bottom line is this; somewhere between this guy and being a stressed-out, unhealthy Type A overachiever, there’s a middle ground. Maybe this book will help you find it. Lesson 1: Corporations do not have souls. Thanks to technology, the media, and the pursuit of the almighty dollar, the human race can pretty much spin anything to tug at our collective heartstrings. Advertising has existed ever since cavemen tried to trade clubs for food back before we developed language. However, we’ve gotten much better at it since then. It’s probably safe to assume that shortly after the printing press was created, someone came up with the idea of printing information on paper to convince people to buy something. With the dawn of radio, we learned how to weave ads into radio plays and shows. It probably wasn’t long before Little Orphan Annie was on the air before someone realized that all those kids across America would also be willing to listen to her ramble about all the vitamins and great taste in Ovaltine. Not surprisingly, it worked, and so the trend continued into the TV age, where it really grew legs and sprinted through the second half of the 20 th Century. In the 1990’s, we pumped it full of steroids, unleashed it onto the internet, and made money hand over fist. Today, we’re figuring out how to take that one step further as advertising and selling crap move into the new realm of mobile technology, including smartphones and tablet computers. Along the way, Corporate America’s ability to market consumer goods has been drastically refined to a frighteningly mind-reading status. What once was a dull butter knife soon became honed into a razor-sharp samurai sword, and is now continuing to evolve into a laser that can target the part of your brain that wants to buy this season’s trendy handbag all the way from China, and can do so while you sleep. But what does advertising have to do with corporations? Other than the fact that ads make us want to buy crap we don’t need (and never even knew existed), what’s the point? How did we get here? Well, the ever-growing ability of advertisers and marketers to influence your opinions and views has moved in recent decades beyond just getting us to buy stuff. Years of proven research around consumer behavior (“behavioral psychology for business”) has seeped into other areas of the corporate world. Originally, advertising’s sole purpose was to move products. However, it wasn’t long before that role expanded into what businesses and producers of consumer products now think of as “brand management.” In other words, what does brand XYZ mean to you? How does that particular toothpaste make you feel about yourself? What emotional responses do you have to that soda you buy religiously? Won’t the Joneses be jealous of your brand-new luxury car and the 83 inch LCD television you just installed with 32 speakers of surround sound? In fact, corporations have gotten so good at this, they’ve learned how to create an identity for a product out of thin air. More importantly, once that brand is developed and firmly planted in the minds of consumers, businesses stretch that identity across products, creating a whole “experience” or “lifestyle” (their terms, not mine) that sucks you in until you find yourself shelling out more money for extra stuff that’s kinda related, but not really, to the original stuff you bought but didn’t need. It’s pure genius and it’s why we’ve all become such good little consumers. It’s also why the vast majority of the U.S. economy is dependent on consumer spending (aka; all that useless junk you and I buy every weekend to make ourselves feel better about our lives). Naturally, Corporate America took notice of this amazing fortune and thought, “hmmm…” And like anything else, this is where the real trouble starts. During the post-World War II era of the late 1940’s and 50’s, businesses sold stuff and achieved success at an amazing rate. Along with that success came the very real and urgent need for those businesses to grow and expand. Hire more people, set up more offices, and conquer the world!! It makes perfect sense. After all, the Allies had just defeated Nazi Germany, so it’s certainly understandable why everyone in America felt good about the future. The problem is that whenever businesses grow to the point where they require multiple locations, offices, and departments, things tend to get disjointed. At the time, the look and feel of the CEO’s office and headquarters in Manhattan was likely to be very different than from the regional secretarial pool in Tulsa. What’s not always apparent, though, is that different is bad for business. When activities, services, and products are handled differently in various places, things are not consistent and efficient across locations. And when things are not efficient, they are not as productive as they could be. And when things are not as productive as they could be, they are not as profitable as they ought to be. So what’s the solution? Standardize everything across the business (which by now is well on its way to becoming a corporation) as much as possible. The hiring of new employees? Make it the same in Tulsa and Toledo. The procedures for writing and distributing memos? It should be the same in San Jose and Seattle. Need proof? Look at the rise and success of fast food throughout the US in the 1950’s, which turned food creation into an assembly line. Another fine example are the animation studios in California during those days, which also created an assembly line environment where talented artists and illustrators all learned to draw that popular cartoon character in exactly the same way, so their work could be used interchangeably for those cartoons that screened before Saturday matinee serials. (By the way, Ray Kroc, the man responsible for making McDonalds a national fast-food chain, served in World War I with Walt Disney. Rumor is that Disney applied Kroc’s assembly line idea to animation out of jealousy.) And how do you make everything the same, regardless of location? Treat the whole corporation as one big happy family. And since families have personalities, opinions, and beliefs, why can’t a corporation? As corporations began to solve this problem, they slowly looked to advertising and marketing for ways to take that emotional influence and turn it inward on themselves. Basically, someone had the bright idea; “If we can convince customers and the public to see us and our crap in a certain way, maybe we can convince our employees to see their employer in a certain way, as well.” Once that realization came to pass, it was all downhill from there. Many people in the business world will argue against this. They will insist that “the employees of our company create its culture,” and that “our employees live and breathe the values of this company every day.” To which I call shenanigans. I dispute this because one of the key questions any company asks themselves when hiring someone new is, “do they fit our culture?” A corporate lawyer is not going to fit in at a Silicon Valley tech startup, and someone who strongly supports renewable energy is probably not going to feel at home in an oil refinery. When Corporate America disputes these arguments, it’s much like the Wizard of Oz using smoke and mirrors to frighten you and direct your attention elsewhere. In the world of marketing, there’s more than just advertising and brand management. There’s also marketing communications, that wonderful no-man’s land where talented writers, designers, and artists personify a corporation and its actions. From public relations to press releases to internal communications, these communications work to influence people both within and outside the company – in essence, to convince them that the company is honorable and has good intentions. These communications not only help sell products, but they make employees feel valued and appreciated; part of something special that other companies don’t have. All of which brings us to today, and why corporations present themselves as wonderful, nurturing environments of peace, love, and happiness. But there’s a fly in the ointment, and that buzzing sound is the fact that corporations are no more human than a robot in a bad science fiction movie. Humans care, feel, breathe, rest, play, sleep, cry, and dance. And really, when was the last time you saw a company do anything like that? Don’t get me wrong; you and your co-workers may go for a walk during lunch, go out for drinks during happy hour, or chat over coffee about your kids. But those activities are about you bonding with other people. Your corporation’s ultimate Frisbee league or intermural bowling tournament? No matter what it says on your t-shirt or company intranet, they have nothing to do with Corporate America. I’ve never seen a corporation hit a grand slam or make a 7 -10 split, and I’m pretty sure I never will. This is not to say that people within corporations are incapable of being kind and generous. In fact, such people do exist. When a close friend, a comedy writer for a television show, learned that her mother’s cancer was slowly robbing her of life, the star of the show, an all-round nice guy and good person, paid for her to take time off from work so she could fly across the US and be with her mother – even though it meant rumblings from the writer’s union and entertainment conglomerate that created the show. But let’s be clear, that comedy star stuck his neck out for her because he’s a good guy. It wasn’t the corporate honchos who made sure she was at her mother’s side before she passed away. Here’s the bottom line; corporations are created and run with one thing in mind – profits. Whether they’re public companies whose stock prices bounce around like numbered ping pong balls at a lottery drawing, or private companies who make a ridiculously wealthy owner and his bratty kids even more ridiculously wealthy, the end goal is the same. Profits are the reason we all get up five days a week and climb into that treadmill like the good little hamsters we are. And profits are good for employees, because it means we get paid for giving up a piece of our souls and lives, which means we can have a roof over our heads and not go to bed hungry. But it’s also a self-fulfilling cycle. We work to make money, so we can buy stuff, which makes us indebted to Corporate America to pay for stuff, which means we have to work to make money. I’m certainly not saying I have a better solution for this Circle of Death, but let’s just acknowledge how this little system works, shall we? The interesting thing about this relationship, however, is that it’s also a one-way street. You need your employer more than it needs you. No matter what you believe or have heard, your employer does not care about you. I don’t care who you are or what you do at your job, you alone are not irreplaceable. I hate to burst your bubble, but it’s true. Corporations soldier on whenever a CEO leaves or when the founder retires with his insanely huge pile of money, private jets, and three dozen homes with private entrances, so why should you and I be any different? In fact, one of the reasons you are so replaceable to Corporate America is purely because of a corporation’s size. It’s a numbers game, and you are just that – a number. What’s on your corporate ID? An employee number. When you log into your computer at work, do you have a user ID? Unlike smaller businesses, where employees are known by names, roles, and personalities, corporations reduce each of us to their shorthand, place us into little boxes (figuratively and literally), and make sure we stay on that treadmill at full speed. Chuck Palahniuk wrote a great book in the 1990’s called Fight Club, which was also transformed into an outstanding film starting Brad Pitt and Edward Norton. Tyler Durden, one of the main characters of the story, said something that Corporate America probably believes, even if it never admits it; “You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake.” Then again, Tyler Durden also said something of solace for those of us struggling to maintain our sanity in Corporate America, and it’s a favorite mantra of mine; “You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis.” I couldn’t have said it better myself. [...]... Look around at all the brownnosers in your office, and you’ll see the subtle impacts of their choices These are people that not only give their blood to the vampires who run Corporate America, but they make sure every last drop has been squeezed from their veins when they go home for the evening And what do they get in return, besides a few dollars more and some name recognition within the office? Whatever... executives, and the corner office is literally a myth in today’s Corporate America In fact, many companies have made a big fuss that people on the lower levels of the corporate ladder have cubicles with a window view Flipping the traditional office model on its head, they claim that the higher up you are, the more you sit on the inside of the building Of course, those people in the middle of the floor now... to be there in the morning But if you’re the owner, you can decide that it doesn’t have to be you unlocking the door at 4:00 AM Uniforms are another area where we stifle ourselves in the name of corporate conformity For decades the rule of the businessman was a suit and tie, but now Corporate America wants us to think things have changed, so it’s relaxed the rules to business casual (whatever the hell... all winners in the world of Corporate America) In fact, even the concept of the next big idea has been co-opted by Corporatespeak It’s called the “One Big Thing.” This simply means that Corporatespeak has gotten so out of control, the executives and managers who create the words and put together “Action Teams” to sell this nonsense to the rest of employees can’t seem to figure out why they’re doing... from websites Throughout the country, men are taking all kinds of reading materials into the bathroom in discrete ways Some stick their reading material inside a portfolio on their way to or from a meeting, while others bring folders and pads of paper as if they were on their way somewhere Yet instead of leaving the folders on the counter, they take them into the stall when they can read and relax My... more than a flash in the pan, while others get buried or sidetracked until they stall Still others stop cold because they lose funding, or a change in management means that the new boss doesn’t care about the project Whatever the reason, these projects generate a lot of buzz and attention until the Next Big Thing comes along It’s an endless cycle, and those members of Corporate America who create and... nonsense in the first place Simply put, the One Big Thing is an easy way of remembering why they’re doing all this crap in the first place – without ever having to admit they don’t know the answer So why does all this matter? Well, the ugly truth is that Corporatespeak is a way managers, executives, and people who consider themselves in the know talk down to other employees Quite honestly, Corporatespeak... thinking of them that way, let’s call them what they are; brownnosers These people are the unfortunate souls who make more work for themselves, and they are always suffering for it Sure, they may get a better raise or bonus, but they’re also juggling multiple tasks while someone else is taking credit for 99% of their hard work These people will never admit it, but all that work impacts their personal... people still smoked, the smoke break was how many corporate cogs claimed time for themselves during the workday (of course, this was also the era of the three-martini lunch, so infer your own conclusions) Today, however, there’s no water cooler, no version of the smoking lounge or other such break area at most offices in Corporate America Sadly, this makes taking breaks during the day that much more... Corporate America is constantly looking for soldiers who will lead the charge into any and all projects and tasks And should you ever leave, die, or move on, there will always be another willing soldier ready to take your place The key here, however, is to not completely blow off your responsibilities Not being the one who cares the most is absolutely not the same thing as being the one who cares the . know about was Corporate America, and as we all know, the world of Corporate America isn’t about getting things done. It’s about all the other nonsense. still smoked, the smoke break was how many corporate cogs claimed time for themselves during the workday (of course, this was also the era of the three-martini