It’s useful to look at interpersonal relationships as created and constructed by the individuals. That is, in any interpersonal rela- tionship—say, between Pat and Chris—there are actually several relationships: (1) the relationship that Pat sees, (2) the relationship as Chris sees it, (3) the relationship that Pat wants and is striving for, and (4) the relationship that Chris wants. And, of course, there are the many relationships that friends and relatives see and that they reflect back in their communications. For example, the relationship that Pat’s mother, who dislikes Chris, sees and reflects in her commu- nication with Pat and Chris is very likely to influence Pat and Chris in some ways. And then there’s the relationship that a dispassionate researcher/observer would see. Viewed in this way, there are many interpersonal relationships in any interpersonal relationship.
This is not to say that there is no real relationship; it’s just to say that there are many real relationships. And because of these differently constructed relationships, people often disagree about a wide variety of issues and evaluate the relationship very differently.
Regularly, on Jerry Springer and Maury, you see couples who view their relationship very differently. The first guest thinks all is going well until the second guest comes on and explodes—often identify- ing long-held dissatisfactions and behaviors that shock the partner.
VIEWPOINTS Parasocial relationshiPs Parasocial relationships are relationships that audience members perceive themselves to have with media personalities (Giles, 2001; Giles &
Maltby, 2004; Rubin & McHugh, 1987). At times viewers develop these relationships with real media personalities—Jimmy Fallon, Wendy Williams, or Lady Gaga, for example—
and at other times the relationship is with a fictional character—an investigator on CSI, a scientist on Bones, or a doctor on a soap opera.
What’s your view of parasocial relationships? Are there advantages to these relationships? Disadvantages?
What’s your experience with parasocial relationships?
One of the most obvious characteristics of relationships is that they occur in stages, moving from initial contact to greater intimacy and sometimes to dis- solution. You and another person don’t become intimate friends immediately upon meeting. Rather, you build an intimate relationship gradually, through a series of steps or stages. The same is true of most relationships (Mongeau &
Henningsen, 2008).
The six-stage model presented in Figure 9.1 describes the main stages in most relationships. As shown in the figure, the six stages of relationships are contact, involvement, intimacy, deterioration, repair, and dissolution, with each stage having an early and a late phase. The arrows represent the movements that take place as rela- tionships change. Let’s first examine the six stages, and then we’ll look at the types of relationship movements.
Exit
Exit
Exit
Exit Contact
Contact
• Perceptual
• Interactional
Involvement Involvement
• Testing
• Intensifying
Intimacy Intimacy
• Interpersonal commitment
• Social bonding
Deterioration Deterioration
• Intrapersonal dissatisfaction
• Interpersonal deterioration Repair
Repair
• Intrapersonal repair
• Interpersonal repair
Dissolution Dissolution
• Interpersonal separation
• Social/public separation
Figure 9.1 A Six-Stage Model of Relationships
Because relationships differ so widely, it’s best to think of any relationship model as a tool for talking about relationships rather than as a specific map that indicates how you move from one relationship position to another. As you review this figure, consider, for example, if you feel that other steps or stages would further explain what goes on in relationship development.
Contact
At the initial phase of the contact stage, there is some kind of perceptual contact—you see, hear, read a message from, view a photo or video, read a person’s profile, or per- haps smell the person. From this you form a mental and physical picture—gender, approximate age, beliefs and values, height, and so on. After this perception, there is usually interactional contact. Here the contact is superficial and relatively impersonal.
This is the stage at which you exchange basic information that is preliminary to any, more intense involvement (“Hello, my name is Joe”), or you might send someone a request to be a friend. Here you initiate interaction (“May I join you?”) and engage in invitational communication (“May I buy you a latté?”). The contact stage is the time of
“first impressions.” According to some researchers, it’s at this stage—within the first four minutes of initial interaction—that you decide whether you want to pursue the relationship (Zunin & Zunin, 1972).
Involvement
At the involvement stage of a relationship, a sense of mutuality, of being connected, develops. Here you experiment and try to learn more about the other person. At the initial phase of involvement, a kind of testing goes on. You want to see whether your initial judgment proves reasonable. So you may ask questions: “Where do you work?”
“What are you majoring in?” If you want to get to know the person even better, you might continue your involvement by intensifying your interaction and by beginning to reveal yourself, though in a preliminary way. Another way of testing the suitability of the relationship is with kissing (Wlodarski & Dunbar, 2013).
In a dating relationship, you might use a variety of strategies to help you move to the next stage and perhaps to intimacy. For example, you might increase contact with your partner; give your partner tokens of affection such as gifts, cards, or flow- ers; increase your own personal attractiveness; do things that suggest intensifying the relationship, such as flirting or making your partner jealous; and become more sexually intimate (Tolhuizen, 1989). Table 9.1 provides a look at some of the popular ways we flirt.
Table 9.1 Ten Ways to Flirt
Here are a few nonverbal and verbal ways that people flirt face-to-face. Some cautions to observe are also included. Try rewriting these flirtatious messages as they would be used on a social media dating site such as eHarmony, OK Cupid, or any of the mobile apps.
Flirtatious Messages Cautions
Maintain an open posture; face the person; lean forward; tilt your head to one side (to get a clearer view of the person you’re interested in).
Don’t move so close that you make it uncomfortable for the other person.
Make eye contact and maintain it for a somewhat longer than normal time; raise your eyebrows to signal interest; blink and move your eyes more than usual; wink.
Be careful that your direct eye contact doesn’t come off as leering or too invasive, and avoid too much blinking—people will think you have something wrong with your eyes.
Smile and otherwise display positive emotions
with your facial expressions. Avoid overdoing this; laughing too loud at lame jokes is probably going to appear phony.
Touch the person’s hand. Be careful that the touching is appropriate and not perceived as intrusive.
Mirror the other’s behaviors. Don’t overdo it. It will appear as if you’re mimicking.
Introduce yourself. Avoid overly long or overly cute introductions.
Ask a question (most commonly, “Is this seat
taken?”). Avoid sarcasm or joking; these are likely to be
misunderstood.
Compliment (“great jacket”). Avoid any compliment that might appear too intimate.
Be polite; respect the individual’s positive and
negative face needs. But don’t be overly polite; it will appear phony.
Intimacy
At the intimacy stage, you commit yourself still further to the other person and estab- lish a relationship in which this individual becomes your best or closest friend, lover, or companion. Both the quantity and the quality of your interpersonal exchanges increase (Emmers-Sommer, 2004) and, of course, you also talk more and in greater detail about the relationship (Knobloch, Haunani, & Theiss, 2006). You also come to share each other’s social networks—a practice followed by members of widely dif- ferent cultures (Gao & Gudykunst, 1995). Your relationship satisfaction also increases with the move to this stage (Siavelis & Lamke, 1992).
The intimacy stage usually divides itself into two phases. In the interpersonal com- mitment phase the two people commit themselves to each other in a private way. In the social bonding phase the commitment is made public—perhaps to family and friends, perhaps to the public at large. Here you and your partner become a unit, an iden- tifiable pair. The Understanding Interpersonal Theory & Research box looks at this process of commitment in more detail.
Deterioration
The relationship deterioration stage is characterized by a weakening of the bonds between friends or lovers. The first phase of deterioration is usually intrapersonal dissatisfaction: you begin to experience personal dissatisfaction with everyday interac- tions and begin to view the future with your partner more negatively. If this dissatisfac- tion grows, you pass to the second phase, interpersonal deterioration. You withdraw and grow further and further apart. You share less of your free time. When you’re together,
Understanding Interpersonal Theory & Research
relatIonshIp CommItment
An important factor influencing the course of relationship deterioration (as well as relationship maintenance) is the degree of commitment that you and your relationship partner have toward each other and toward the relationship. Commitment is especially strong when individuals are satisfied with their relationship; it grows weaker as individuals become less satisfied (Hirofumi, 2003). Three types of commitment are often distinguished and can be identified from your answers to the following questions (Johnson, 1973, 1982, 1991; Knapp &
Taylor, 1994; Knapp, Vangelisti, & Cauglin, 2014; Kurdek, 1995):
• Do I have a desire to stay in this relationship? Do I have a desire to keep this relationship going? How strong is this desire?
• Do I have a moral obligation to stay in this relationship?
Did I make promises that I should keep?
• Do I have to stay in this relationship? Is it necessary for me to stay in this relationship?
All relationships are held together, in part, by commitment based on desire, obligation, or necessity, or on some combi- nation of these factors. And the strength of the relationship, including its resistance to possible deterioration, is related to your degree of commitment. When a relationship shows signs of deterioration and yet there’s a strong commitment to preserving it, you may well surmount the obstacles and reverse the process. For example, couples with high relation- ship commitment will avoid arguing about minor grievances and also will demonstrate greater supportiveness toward each other than will those with lower commitment (Roloff &
Solomon, 2002). Similarly, those who have great commitment are likely to experience greater jealousy in a variety of situa- tions (Rydell, McConnell, & Bringle, 2004). When commitment is weak and the individuals doubt that there are good reasons for staying together, the relationship deteriorates faster and more intensely.
Working With relationship Commitment
Has commitment or the lack of it (on the part of either or both of you) ever influenced the progression of one of your relationships? What happened?
there are more awkward silences, fewer disclosures, less physical contact, and a lack of psychological closeness. Conflicts become more common and their resolution more difficult. On social network sites, the deterioration stage is perhaps seen most clearly in the decline in frequency of comments, pokes, and thumbs-up liking. And, in fact, research shows that high levels of social media usage is associated with relational problems for relatively new relationships (Clayton, Nagurney, & Smith, 2012).
This is also the stage at which you consider dissolving the relationship. You con- sider the pros and cons, the advantages and disadvantages. And here you seek the counsel of your face-to-face friends and your social media friends. And if you’re still not sure what to do, there are websites that offer you suggestions.
Table 9.2 presents some of the causes of relationship deterioration and some preventive strategies.
Repair
Some relationship partners, sensing deterioration, may pursue the relationship repair stage. Others, however, may progress—without stopping, without thinking—
to dissolution.
At the first repair phase, intrapersonal repair, you may analyze what went wrong and consider ways of solving your relational difficulties. You might, at this stage, con- sider changing your behaviors or perhaps changing your expectations of your partner.
You might also evaluate the rewards of your relationship as it is now and the rewards to be gained if your relationship ended.
Table 9.2 Some Causes of Relationship Deterioration
In addition to the problems caused by relationships not meeting the needs the relationship was developed to serve in the first place, here are some additional reasons for relationship deterioration. The preventives noted should not be taken to mean that all relationship partners should stay together; there are many good reasons for breaking up. The accompanying Understanding Theory & Research box examines relationship commitment, which greatly influences the course of relationship deterioration.
Problems Reasons Preventive Strategies
Poor communication Communication that is excessively critical, unsupportive, or disconfirming creates dissatisfaction that can easily lead to a breakdown in friendship, love, or family relationships.
Talk about your communication;
voice your expectations.
Third-party relationships When a person’s goals cease to be met within the relationship, a new relationship may be pursued; if this new relationship serves the goals better, then the original relationship is likely to deteriorate.
Talk about needs openly, explaining what you want from the relation- ship and listening to what the other person wants.
Relationship changes The development of incompatible attitudes, vastly different intellectual interests and abilities, or major goal changes may contribute to relationship deterioration.
Discuss the changes as you develop them and listen openly to the changes of your partner. If appropriate and possible, partici- pate in the changes of the other.
Sex- and work-related
problems Problems within the relationship (for example, sex) or outside the relationship (for example, work) can put a strain on a relationship with the frequent result that other, more supportive relationships may be sought.
Discussing these problems with each other and/or with a thera- pist can help prevent them from escalating.
Financial difficulties Money (in part because of its close as- sociation with power and control) often proves to be a cause of major problems as people settle into their relationship.
Discuss your attitudes and beliefs about money before entering a relationship.
Beliefs about relationships If you and your partner hold widely different beliefs about, say, gender or financial expectations, then your relationship is more likely to experience instability and interpersonal distancing (Goodwin & Gaines, 2004).
Try to be more open-minded and flexible; differences do not have to lead to deterioration.
Should you decide that you want to repair your relationship, you might discuss this with your partner at the interpersonal repair phase—you might talk about the problems in the relationship, the changes you want to see, and perhaps what you are willing to do and what you want your partner to do. This is the stage of negotiat- ing new agreements and new behaviors. You and your partner might try to repair your relationship by yourselves, or you might seek the advice of friends or family or perhaps go for professional counseling.
Dissolution
At the relationship dissolution stage, the bonds between the individuals are broken. In the beginning, dissolution usually takes the form of interpersonal separation, in which you may move into separate apartments and begin to lead lives apart from each other. If this separation proves acceptable and if the original relationship isn’t repaired, you enter the phase of social or public separation. If the relationship is a marriage, this phase cor- responds to divorce. Avoidance of each other and a return to being
“single” are among the primary characteristics of dissolution. On Facebook, this would be the stage where you defriend the person and/or block that person from accessing your profile.
Dissolution is also the stage during which the ex-partners be- gin to look upon themselves as individuals rather than halves of a pair. They try to establish a new and different life, either alone or with another person. Some people, it’s true, continue to live psy- chologically with a relationship that has already been dissolved;
they frequent old meeting places, reread old love letters, daydream about all the good times, and fail to extricate themselves from a relationship that has died in every way except in their memory.
In cultures that emphasize continuity from one generation to
the next—as in, say, China—interpersonal relationships are likely to be long-lasting and permanent. Those who maintain long-term relationships tend to be rewarded, and those who break relationships tend to be punished. But in cultures in which change is seen as positive—as in, say, the United States—interpersonal relationships are likely to be more temporary (Moghaddam, Taylor, & Wright, 1993). The rewards for long-term relationships and the punishments for broken relationships will be significantly less.
Movement among the Stages
Relationships are not static; we move from one stage to another largely as a result of our interpersonal interactions. Three general kinds of movement may be identified:
stage movement, relationship turning points, and relationship license.
Stage MoveMent The six-stage model shown in Figure 9.1 illustrates the kinds of movement that take place in interpersonal relationships. In the model, you’ll note three types of arrows:
• The exit arrows show that each stage offers the oppor- tunity to exit the relationship. After saying “Hello”
you can say “Goodbye” and exit. And, of course, you can end even the most intimate of relationships.
• The vertical arrows between the stages represent the fact that you can move to another stage: either to a stage that is more intense (say, from involve- ment to intimacy) or to a stage that is less intense (say, from intimacy to deterioration).
• The self-reflexive arrows—the arrows that return to the beginning of the same level or stage—signify that any relationship may become stabilized at
InTerpersonal ChoICe poInT sharing social Media networks
Your partner keeps turning down your “friend request” on Facebook and other social media platforms. This upsets you. What do you do?
a. Try to understand his reason for this.
b. Explain to him why this upsets you.
c. Get suspicious and try to access his account.
d. Do nothing.
VIEWPOINTS culture and sexual relationshiPs Some cultures consider sexual relationships to be undesirable outside marriage;
others see sex as a normal part of intimacy and chastity as undesirable (Hatfield & Rapson, 1996). How have your cultural beliefs and values influenced what you consider appropriate relationship and sexual behavior?
any point. You may, for example, continue to maintain a relationship at the intimate level without its deteriorating or going back to the less intense stage of involvement. Or you may remain at the “Hello, how are you?” stage—
the contact stage—without getting any further involved.
As you can imagine, movement from one stage to another depends largely on your communication skills—for example, your abilities to initiate a relationship; to present yourself as likeable; to express affection; to self-disclose appropriately; and, when nec- essary, to dissolve the relationship with the least possible amount of acrimony (Dindia &
Timmerman, 2003). These issues are covered in the last section of this chapter, Relationship Communication.
turning PointS Movement through the various stages takes place both gradu- ally and in leaps. Often, you progress from one stage to another gradually. You don’t jump from contact to involvement to intimacy; rather, you progress gradually, a few degrees at a time. In addition to this gradual movement are relationship turning points (Baxter & Bullis, 1986). These are significant relationship events that have important consequences for the individuals and the relationship, and may turn its direction or trajectory. For example, a relationship that is progressing slowly might experience a rapid rise after the first date, the first kiss, the first sexual encounter, or the first meeting with the partner’s child.
Turning points vary with culture. In some cultures, the first sexual experience is a major turning point; in others it’s a minor progression in the normal dating process.
What constitutes a turning point will also vary with your relationship stage.
For example, an expensive and intimate gift may be a turning point at the involve- ment or the repair stage, an ordinary event if you’re at the intimate stage and such gifts are exchanged regularly, and an inappropriate gift if given too early in the relationship.
the relationShiP licenSe Movement of a somewhat different type can be appreciated by looking at what is called the relationship license—the license or permission to break some relationship rule as a result of your relationship stage. As the relationship develops, so does the relationship license; as you become closer and approach the intimacy stage, you have greater permission to say and do things that you didn’t have at the contact or involvement stage. The license becomes broader as the relationship develops and becomes more restrictive as the relationship dete- riorates. For example, long-term friends or romantic couples (say, at the intimacy stage) may taste each other’s food in a restaurant or may fix each other’s clothing or pat each other on the rear. These are violations of rules that normally hold for non- intimates, for casual acquaintances, or for people in the initial stages of a relationship.
In relationships that are deteriorating, the licenses become more limited or may be withdrawn entirely.
In some relationships, the license is reciprocal; each person’s license is the same.
In other relationships, it’s nonreciprocal; one person has greater license than the other.
For example, perhaps one person has license to come home at any time, but the other is expected to stay on schedule. Or one person has license to spend the couple’s money without explanation, but the other has no such right. Or one perhaps has the right to be unfaithful, but the other doesn’t. For example, in some cultures, men are expected to have intimate relationships with many women, whereas women are expected to have relationship only with a legally approved partner. In this case, a nonreciprocal license is built into the culture’s rules.
VIEWPOINTS negative turning Points Turning points are often positive, as the examples in the text indicate, but they can also be negative.
For example, the first realization that a partner has been unfaithful, lied about past history, or revealed a debilitating condition would likely be significant turning points for many romantic relationships. What have been your experiences with negative relationship turning points?