www.ebook777.com STILL A FAMILY A Guide to Good Parenting Through Divorce Dr L i sa Re né Reyn o l ds American Management Association New York • Atlanta • Brussels • Chicago • Mexico City • San Francisco Shanghai • Tokyo • Toronto • Washington, D.C Special discounts on bulk quantities of AMACOM books are available to corporations, professional associations, and other organizations For details, contact Special Sales Department, AMACOM, a division of American Management Association, 1601 Broadway, New York, NY 10019 Tel: 212-903-8316 Fax: 212-903-8083 E-mail: specialsls@amanet.org Website: www.amacombooks.org/go/specialsales To view all AMACOM titles go to: www.amacombooks.org This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional service If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Reynolds, Lisa René Still a family : a guide to good parenting through divorce / Lisa René Reynolds p cm Includes index ISBN-13: 978-0-8144-1296-1 ISBN-10: 0-8144-1296-3 Children of divorced parents United States Psychology Divorced parents-United States Psychology I Title HQ777.5.R49 2009 306.8740973 dc22 2008035287 © 2009 Lisa René Reynolds All rights reserved Printed in the United States of America This publication may not be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of AMACOM, a division of American Management Association, 1601 Broadway, New York, NY 10019 Printing number 10 www.ebook777.com Contents Foreword xiii Acknowledgments xvii Introduction Chapter ➊ The Bad News and the Good News and How to Make More of the Good News Case Studies “Bonnie” “Rich and Lynne” 11 “Julie and Billy” 12 How to Avoid Negative Verbal Exchanges That Hurt Your Children 15 Don’t Fight in Front of the Kids 15 Keep the Children’s Best Interests as the Focal Point in All Discussions 17 Give Up Control over the Other Parent’s Parenting 18 Use “I Statements” 19 Be Flexible 20 Remember to Mention the Good Stuff 21 Chapter ➋ Reducing the Risk of Traumatizing Your Children 23 How to Tell Your Children About the Divorce 24 Who Should Tell the Children 24 When to Tell the Children 25 Where to Tell the Children 27 S T I LL A FAMILY What to Tell the Children 27 Once You’ve Told Your Children About the Divorce 36 Accept Initial Reactions 36 Help Your Kids Deal with Their Feelings 37 Lean on Friends and Family (and Even Your Ex-Spouse) 40 Consider Contacting Other Important People 42 Don’t Be a Cheerleader 43 Chapter ➌ Taking Care of Yourself for Your Kids 47 Understanding the Nature of Stress 48 Causes of Stress in a Divorce and How to Minimize Them 51 Compensating for an Absent Parent 51 Handling the Financial Strains 54 Dealing with an Increase in Fighting 55 Lacking the Support of Family and Friends 56 Worrying About the Future 57 Continuing to Live with an Ex-Spouse 58 Dealing with Mental Health or Substance– Abuse Issues 60 Having Concerns About an Ex-Spouse’s New Significant Other 62 Relieving Stress 65 Take a Parenting Class Early On 66 Take Care of Personal Issues 67 Don’t Always Listen to Others 67 Make Time for Yourself 68 iv www.ebook777.com CON T ENTS Chapter ➍ Managing Parenting Time with Your Children and Ex-Spouse 77 Recent Trends in Divorce Involving Children 77 A New Language and a New Mind-Set 77 The Increased Involvement of Fathers in Parenting 78 Shared Parenting 78 More Regular Involvement with the Children 79 Problems with Parenting Time 79 The Individualized Needs of the Children 80 Equal Parenting Time When One Parent Is Less Involved 82 Failure to Follow the Parenting Plan 82 The “Play Land Parent” 84 What to Do If 87 A Child Refuses to Go with a Parent 87 A Child Misses the Other Parent 91 A Child Manipulates or Lies to Parents 91 A Child Is Irritable upon His or Her Return from a Visit 93 One Parent Lives Far Away 95 Two Important Rules of Parenting Time 97 Do Not Make Plans on the Other Parent’s Time 97 Do Not Take Parenting Time Away as a Punishment 98 Limited Parenting Time 98 v S T I LL A FAMILY Practical Ideas to Help Parenting Time Go More Smoothly 101 Plan Ahead 101 Respect the Other Parent’s Time 101 Get Organized 102 Let Go of the Notion of Perfection 102 When in Doubt, Ask the Other Parent for Suggestions 103 Allow Comfort Items and Toys to Travel with Your Children 103 Don’t Overspend or Overindulge Your Children 103 Make Your Home Comfortable 104 Keep the Other Parent Updated 104 Chapter ➎ Questions That Divorcing Parents Ask 107 When Only One Parent Is Helping Children Cope with Divorce 107 (Failed) Marriage Memorabilia and Closure 109 What (and How Much) to Tell Children About the Reasons for a Divorce 113 Helping Children When One Parent Has a Hard Time Handling the Divorce 115 When Children Don’t Agree That the Divorce Is for the Best 118 When One Parent Begins to Date 120 Opposing Approaches to Parenting 122 Sex Between Divorcing Mates 124 Children’s Differing Responses to a Divorce 126 vi www.ebook777.com CON T ENTS Chapter ➏ The Biggest Mistakes Divorcing Parents Make (and How Not to Make Them) 129 Ending the Marriage Too Quickly 129 Criticizing the Other Parent in Front of the Children 131 Fighting in Front of the Children .132 Making Erroneous Assumptions 134 Completely Cutting Off from a Child 135 Using the Wrong Words 137 Using the Child as an Informant or a Spy 138 Using the Child as a Confidante 141 Forcing Children to Choose Sides 142 Failing to Be Consistent in Payment of Child Support 144 Giving in to Children’s Manipulation 145 Failing to Follow Through with Agreed-Upon Pickups and Drop-Offs 148 Chapter ➐ S pecial Issues for Infants, Toddlers, and Preschoolers 151 The Developmental Features of Infancy 152 Secure Attachment 152 Communication 154 Stranger Anxiety 156 Safety Issues 159 Developmental Features of the Toddler Phase 163 Mobility 163 Independence and Discipline 164 vii S T I LL A FAMILY Consistency 165 Fears 166 Regressive Behaviors 167 Storytelling 169 The Developmental Features of the Preschooler Phase 170 Fantasy 171 Empathy 173 Demanding 173 Ability to Reason 174 Imitation 178 Chapter ➑ Special Issues for School-Age Children 181 The Developmental Features of the School-Age Phase 182 Expanded Number of Attachment Figures 182 Pride in Accomplishments 184 Concrete Thinking 185 More Judgmental and Critical of Self and Others 187 Increased Self-Reliance 189 Increased Egocentrism 191 Fear of Abandonment 194 When to Worry 197 When the Child Withdraws from Previously Enjoyed Activities or Friends 197 When the Child Becomes a Miniparent Toward a Parent or Siblings 198 viii www.ebook777.com CON T ENTS When the Child Begins to Hit Himself or Herself 198 When the Child Experiences a Significant Drop in Grades 199 When the Child Acts Out Behaviorally 199 Questions Divorcing Parents Should Discuss 200 Will one (or both) parent(s) be responsible for talking to the child about important topics such as sex or drug and alcohol use? 200 What is an appropriate age for the child to be left alone? 200 What is an acceptable age for dating? 201 What are the rules at each parent’s home regarding television and computer usage? 201 Will the parents agree to have consequences in both households for poor behavior? 202 Are parents willing to discuss and decide on who gets what birthday or other holiday gift for a child before purchasing it? 202 What is the normal bedtime at each home? 202 What constitutes a “good enough” reason for a child to miss parenting time with one parent? 203 How does the after-school ritual run at each home? 203 How does each parent feel about keeping secrets from the other parent? 204 How will each parent bring up the idea of dating and introducing a new partner to the child? 204 ix S T I LL A FAMILY www.DivorceLinks.com www.DivorceMag.com www.divorcenet.com www.DivorceRecovery101.com www.divorcesource.com www.DivorceSupport.com www.SmartDivorce.com Resources for Divorcing Dads Books Baker, Simon and Alley Einstein How to Be a Great Divorced Dad Berkshire, England: Foulsham, 2007 Davies, Steve The Divorced Dad’s Handbook: Practical Advice and Guidance for All Fathers During Divorce or Separation Oxford, England: How-to Books, 2007 Fouquet, C Stephen Divorced Dads: Real Stories of Facing the Challenge Minneapolis: Fairview Press, 1996 Knox, David and Kermit Leggett The Divorced Dad’s Survival Book: How to Stay Connected with Your Kids Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Press, 2000 Mandelstein, Paul (2006) Always Dad: Being a Great Father During and After Divorce Berkeley, CA: Nolo Publishing, 2006 McClure, F Daniel and Jerry B Saffer Wednesday Evenings and Every Other Weekend: From Divorced Dad to Competent Co-Parent: A Guide for the Non-Custodial Father Charlottesville, VA: Van Doren Company, 2001 Shimberg, Elaine F and Michael Shimberg The Complete Single Father: Reassuring Answers to Your Most Challenging Situations Cincinnati: Adams Media Corporation, 2007 256 www.ebook777.com A ppendix A : Res ou rc es fo r Divorcing Parents Websites www.about.com (keywords: divorced dads) www.dadsdivorce.com www.divorcedfathers.com www.Divorceinfo.com www.fatherville.com www.fightforyourkids.com www.nolo.com Resources for Divorcing Moms Books Colopy, Elsa The Single Mom’s Guide to Finding Joy in the Chaos Grand Rapids, MI: Revell Books, 2006 Engber, Andrea and Leah Klungness The Complete Single Mother: Reassuring Answers to Your Most Challenging Concerns Avon, MA: Adams Media Corporation, 2006 Ferber, Donna From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey Through Divorce Farmington, CT: Purple Lotus Press, 2005 Kahn, Sandra Leaving Him Behind: Cutting the Cord and Breaking Free After the Marriage Ends New York: Ballantine Books, 1992 Karst, Patrice The Single Mother’s Survival Guide Freedom, CA: Crossing Press, 2000 Moffett, Kay and Sarah Touborg Not Your Mother’s Divorce: A Practical Girlfriend-to-Girlfriend Guide to Surviving the End of an Early Marriage New York: Broadway Books, 2003 Simpson, Bria The Balanced Mom: Raising Your Kids Without Losing Your Self Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2006 Sweet, Rose A Woman’s Guide to Healing the Heartbreak of Divorce Peabody, MA: Hendrickson Publishers, 2001 257 S T I LL A FAMILY Websites www.CafeMom.com www.divmomsclub.com www.divorce360.com (keywords: divorced moms) www.singlemothers.org www.SingleRose.com www.WomansDivorce.com Resources for Gay Parents Books Sember, Brette McWhorter The Complete Gay Divorce Franklin Lakes, NJ: Career Press, 2006 Websites www.DailyStrength.org www.divorcenet.com (keywords: gay and lesbian parents) Resources for Divorced Parents Who Begin Dating Again Books Ellison, Sheila The Courage to Love Again: Creating Happy, Healthy Relationships After Divorce San Francisco: HarperOne, 2002 Gray, John Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One New York: Harper Paperbacks, 1998 Hartman, Christie Dating the Divorced Man: Sort Through the Baggage to Decide if He’s Right for You Avon, MA: Adams Media Corporation, 2007 258 www.ebook777.com A ppendix A : Res ou rc es fo r Divorcing Parents McKenna, Sharon Sex and the Single Mom: The Essential Guide to Dating, Mating, and Relating Berkeley, CA: Ten Speed Press, 2006 Sarah, Rachel Single Mom Seeking: Playdates, Blind Dates and Other Dispatches from the Dating World Emeryville, CA: Seal Press, 2006 Schneider, Meg F and Martine Myer, Sex and the Single Parent: A Guide for Parents Who Find Themselves Back in the Dating Game New York: Perigee Trade, 2002 Tessina, Tina The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again Hoboken, NJ: Wiley, 1999 Websites www.DivorcedPeopleMeet.com www.ParentsAlready.com www.SingleParentMeet.com www.suite101.com Resources for Divorcing Parents Experiencing a High-Conflict Relationship with an Ex-Spouse Books Garrity, Carla and Mitchell Baris Caught in the Middle: Protecting the Children of High-Conflict Divorce New York: Lexington Books, 1994 Ross, Julie and Judy Corcoran Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex New York: St Martin’s Griffin Press, 1996 Thayer, Elizabeth and Jeffrey Zimmerman The Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Letting Go of Conflict After a Difficult Divorce Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2001 259 S T I LL A FAMILY Warshak, Richard Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex New York: ReganBooks, 2001 Resources to Find a Skilled Provider in Separation and Divorce The Association of Family and Conciliation Courts website (www.afccnet.org) is dedicated to its interdisciplinary nationwide members including judges, social workers, parent educators, and custody evaluators The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers website (www.aaml.org) contains information and nationwide contacts for family lawyers, divorce attorneys, marriage annulment, and child custody The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy website (www.aamft.org) contains information and contact data for licensed marriage and family therapists nationwide 260 www.ebook777.com Appendix B: Common Mistakes Divorcing Parents Make See chapters and for more information about the topics in this list Ending the Marriage Too Quickly Are you really sure it’s over? Did the decision to divorce come from a moment of emotional exhaustion? Criticizing the Other Parent in Front of the Children This also includes saying bad things about your ex-spouse to people who may repeat them back to your children, leaving nasty messages that your children may hear or overhear, or engaging in malicious Internet blogging Fighting in Front of the Children This involves verbal fighting but also includes sarcasm and physical fighting Making Erroneous Assumptions Is your child embellishing? Are you assuming your ex-spouse has abilities now that he or she did not have before the divorce? Completely Cutting Off from a Child No relationship at all with a parent unless there is significant risk of abuse or neglect is not healthy for a child 261 S T I LL A FAMILY Using the Wrong Words “You are acting just like your mother [father]” may be hurtful words to a child whose parents are going through a divorce Using the Child as an Informant or a Spy Children need to be left out of the middle of their parents’ issues during a divorce and should never be expected to channel information to one parent about the other Using the Child as a Confidante Children need to be children, not friends or supports for their parents during divorce Forcing Children to Choose Sides A child should not have to “choose sides” in a divorce Rather, the child should know he or she simply has two parents who love him or her 10 Failing to Be Consistent in Payment of Child Support Not sticking to an agreed-upon payment plan can cause suffering for both the parents and the child 11 Giving in to Children’s Manipulation Divorce can sometimes make it easy for children to manipulate parents 12 Failing to Follow Through with Agreed-Upon Pickups and DropOffs Not only can poor follow-through in this area cause worry and angst for a parent, but it also sets a poor example for children on respecting others’ time 13 Not Taking Care of Yourself Perhaps the most important thing you can for your child during the trying times of divorce is taking care of yourself A healthy parent is a better parent 262 www.ebook777.com About the Author Lisa Rene Reynolds is a therapist specializing in marriage counseling and therapy with families going through divorce She has master’s and Ph.D degrees in marital and family therapy, and she teaches a court-mandated divorce-parenting class for the state of Connecticut In addition, Lisa is an adjunct psychology instructor at various local universities and has written several professional journal and newspaper articles Her past nonfiction books include Coming Out and Covering Up: Catholic Priests Talk About the Sex Scandals in the Church (Dead End Street Press, 2004; foreword by Andrew M Greeley) Lisa lives in Connecticut with her husband, three daughters, and three rescued pets from a no-kill organization: Rocky (a 140-pound bullmastiff/boxer mix) and Coco and Oreo (sister guinea pigs) You can visit her website at www.drlisarenereynolds.com 263 This page intentionally left blank www.ebook777.com Index abandonment cutting off contact with parent, 90, 111– 112, 135–137, 153–154, 157–158, 226–227 fears of, 194–197, 223 abduction fears, 149 acting out, 199–200 adolescent phase, 207–234 challenge to authority, 211–212 delayed reaction to divorce, 237–239 detaching from parents, 209–210, 226 egocentrism of, 213–214 expressing feelings in, 227–231 love, need for, 215–217 manipulation of parents in, 146–147, 164–165, 211, 220–221, 222 opinionated thinking in, 212–213 parentification and, 221–227 peers in, 210–211 questions for parents, 218–219 responses to divorce, 126–128, 214–215 rules of parents and, 219–221 serious signs for parents, 232–234 advice, 67–68 after-school rituals, 203–204 alcohol, see substance use and abuse anger of child, 6–7, 37, 38–39, 90, 152, 178–179, 228–230, 246–247 of parents, 53–54, 55–56, 63, 82, 96–97, 115–118, 121, 157–158 assumptions, avoiding, 134–135 attachment adolescent need to detach from parents, 209–210, 226 in infancy, 152–154, 162–163 in school-age phase, 182–184, 196–197 bedtime patterns, 19, 117, 202–203, 244–245 books for children, 176–178 calendars, 166 cell phones, 61, 79 challenging behavior, in adolescent phase, 211–212 children of divorce adolescents, see adolescent phase infants, see infancy phase preschoolers, see preschooler phase school age, see school-age phase toddlers, see toddler phase children’s books, 176–178 child-support payments, 138, 144–145 chores, 219 closure, on end of marriage, 109–113, 138–140 comfort items, 103 communication patterns, 15–45 asking for help, 40–42, 51–54, 55, 67, 103, 155 child as confidante, 141–142, 215 child as informant or spy, 138–141, 242 child’s best interests, 7–8, 17–18, 115– 118, 184–185 counseling and, 16, 55–57, 130–131 decision to divorce and, 24–36 at end of marriage, 23–24 expressing negative emotions, 38 fighting by parents, 15–17, 55–56, 132– 134, 155–156, 183, 186, 208, 241 flexibility and, 20–21, 42, 81–82, 97–98, 101, 203 giving up control of other parent, 18–19, 20–21, 109, 122–124 honesty in, 43–44, 114, 115, 144, 214, 224–225 in infancy phase, 154–156, 163 “I statements” in, 19–20 language in, 114, 137–138, 156, 189, 219 listening to child, 28 mentioning positive actions, 21–22 negative comments about other parent, 19, 25, 61–62, 96–97, 113–115, 119, 131–132, 215, 241–243, 251 negative emotions and, 39–40, 137–138, 227–231 with other key people about divorce, 42–43, 127, 182–184, 231 for parents discussing children, 16–17, 116, 163, 200–205, 210, 218–221 reassuring child, 31–32, 115, 249 secrets and, 204, 219, 243–244 technology and, 17, 61, 79, 91, 95–96, 117, 133 after telling child about divorce decision, 36–44 265 S T I LL A FAMILY communication patterns (continued ) telling child about reasons for divorce, 113–115, 194, 251 updating the other parent, 104–105 see also written communications complaints, language for, 137–138 computers e-mail and, 17, 79, 133 parents’ rules concerning, 201–202 concrete thinking, 185–187, 212–213 confidante, child as, 141–142, 215 confusion, of child, 7, 37, 246–247 consistency, 148–149, 165–166 contact numbers, 61 control, giving up, 18–19, 20–21, 109, 122–124 coping skills of child, 36–44, 108, 231 of parents, 58, 68–75, 108–109, 115–118, 132, 229–231 stress relief and, 49, 58, 61, 65–76, 115–118 counseling marital, 16, 55–57, 130–131 play therapy, 38–39, 169–170 coworkers, telling about divorce, 43, 57 crying of child, 152, 154 of parents, 245–246 curfews, 219, 220–221 dating by child, 201, 219, 224–226 child as informant or spy, 138–141, 242 parent’s new partner, 62–65, 120–122, 167–168, 204–205, 212, 222–223, 229, 248, 249–250 resistance to, 68 defiance, 211–212 demanding behavior, 173–174 depression of child, 7, 152, 197–198, 232–234 of parent, 67, 246 signs of, 197, 233 desensitization, 89–90 diaries, 40, 58, 91, 96, 132, 231 discipline consequences for poor behavior, 91–93, 202, 219 in toddler phase, 164–165 Disneyland Dad, 84–87 distant parents, 95–97, 99–101 divorce decision, 24–36 assuring child of your love, 31–32, 115, 249 blame by child and, 187–188 common questions of child, 28–31 contacting other key people about divorce, 42–43, 127, 182–184, 231 as final, 33–36, see also reconciliation helping child handle feelings, 7, 36–44 information sources for, 57, 66–67 initial reactions of child, 36–37 initiation of divorce, 23–24, 113–115, 173, 187–188 living with ex-spouse after, 58–60 multiple discussions with child, 26–27 reasons given by parents for, 113–115, 194, 251 removing responsibility of child for, 32–33, 174–175, 198 what to tell child, 27–30 when to tell child, 25–27 where to tell child, 27 who should tell child, 24–25 divorce rates, 2, 112–113 drugs, see substance use and abuse egocentrism, 191–194, 213–214 e-mail, 17, 79, 133 embarrassment, of child, 191–194, 210 empathy, of child, 173, 246 exercise, 58, 71, 72–73, 231 family members advice from, 67–68 asking for help from, 40–42, 51–54, 55, 67, 103, 155 children discussing divorce with, 128, 132, 245 losing contact with family members, 248–249 fantasizing, 38–39, 169–173, 249 fantasy play, 171–173 fathers increased involvement in parenting, 78, 79, 82, 86–87, 104–105 limited parenting time and, 98–101 Play Land Parent and, 84–87 fear of children, 166, 194–197, 223 of parents, 149, 241 266 www.ebook777.com I ndex feelings channeling emotional energy, 38–40 expressing, 39–40, 227–231 helping child deal with, 7, 36–44 importance of small things, 239–240 of parents, 25, 53–54, 55–56, 82, 96–97, 245–246 play therapy and, 38–39, 169–170 things that hurt child most, 240–247 see also anger; confusion; depression; fear; frustration; grief; guilt; jealousy; loneliness; resentment; sadness fights between parents, 15–17, 55–56, 132– 134, 155–156, 183, 186, 208, 241 financial issues child support, 138, 144–145 living with ex-spouse, 58–60 minimizing stress of, 54–55 flexible approach, 20–21, 42, 81–82, 97–98, 101, 203 friends in adolescent phase, 210–211 asking for help, 40–42, 51–54, 55, 67, 103, 155 in school-age phase, 189–191, 193 taking advice from, 67–68 telling about divorce, 43 frustration of child, 38 unbalanced parental roles and, 107–109 future, worrying about, 57–58 child staying home alone, 200–201 housing market and, 58–59 living with ex-spouse after divorce, 58–60 manipulation of parents and, 146–147 organization, 102 hugs, 72 humor, 71 hurting self, 198 gifts, 202 grades, 199, 219, 229 grief crying and, 246 stages of, 236 timelines for, 237–239 guilt, of child, 174–175 language expectations for child, 219 importance of choice in, 114, 137–138, 189 with infants, 156 laughter, 71 legal issues, 107–108, 123 listening to child, 28 taking advice from others, 67–68 loneliness of child, 37, 40–41, 190–191 of parents, 40–41, 56–57 love assuring child of, 31–32, 115, 215–217, 249 child’s questions about, 249, 250 health issues, 48–49, 58, 123 see also substance use and abuse help asking for, 40–42, 51–54, 55, 67, 103, 155 unbalanced parental roles and, 107–109 hitting self, 198 homework, 203 honesty, 43–44, 114, 115, 144, 214, 224–225 housing issues child-friendly homes, 104, 159–160, 163–164 imitation, in preschooler phase, 178–179 independence in school-age phase, 189–191 in toddler phase, 164–165 infancy phase, 152–163 attachment and, 152–154, 162–163 communication and, 154–156, 163 safety issues in, 159–163 stranger anxiety and, 156–160 informant, child as, 138–141, 242 “I statements,” 19–20 jealousy of child, 223 of parents, 63, 121, 138–141 journaling, 40, 58, 91, 96, 132, 231 judgments in adolescent phase, 212–213 in school-age phase, 187–189 Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth, 236 manipulation, of parents by child, 91–93, 98, 145–147, 164–165, 211, 220–221, 222, 244, 250 267 S T I LL A FAMILY marriage counseling, 16, 55–57, 130–131 massage, 72 mediation, 54–55, 231 meditation, 71 mental-health issues, 60–62, 67 see also depression mobility, in toddler phase, 163–164 napping, 70–71 negative comments, about other parent, 19, 25, 61–62, 96–97, 113–115, 119, 131–132, 215, 241–243, 251 neighbors, telling about divorce, 43, 57 nonverbal communication, 132, 154, 188–189 notebooks, 17 nutrition, 58, 123 organization, importance of, 102 overindulging, avoiding, 103–104 overspending, avoiding, 103–104 Parent Education Program (PEP), 1–2 parentification avoiding, 178–179, 221–227, 247 child as confidante, 141–142, 215 child as informant or spy, 138–141, 242 fighting between parents and, 132–134 miniparent scenario and, 198 parenting plan asking for help and, 40–42, 51–54, 55, 67, 103, 155 child as confidante, 141–142, 215 child as informant or spy, 138–141, 242 child’s best interests in, 7–8, 17–18, 115– 118, 184–185 common mistakes, 129–149 communicating decision to divorce, 24–36 compensating for absent parent, 51–54, 107–109 contacting other key people about divorce, 42–43, 127, 182–184, 231 control of divorce impact on child, 7–8, 16–18 cutting off contact, 90, 111–112, 135–137, 153–154, 157–158, 226–227 discussion of child, 16–17, 116, 163, 200–205, 210, 218–221 ending marriage too quickly, 129–131 erroneous assumptions, 134–135 failure to follow, 82–84 fighting in front of child, 15–17, 55–56, 132–134, 155–156, 183, 186, 208, 241 financial strains and, 54–55, 58–60, 138, 144–145 flexibility in, 20–21, 42, 81–82, 97–98, 101, 203 forcing child to choose sides, 142–144 giving up control of other parent, 18–19, 20–21, 109, 122–124 health issues in, 48–49, 58, 123, 159–163 individualized needs of child, 80–82 lack of support, 56–57 limited parenting time and, 98–101 living with ex-spouse after divorce, 58–60 manipulation by child, 91–93, 98, 145– 147, 164–165, 211, 220–221, 222, 244, 250 mentioning positive actions, 21–22 “me” time and, 42, 58, 68–75, 231, see also stress negative comments about other parent, 19, 25, 61–62, 96–97, 113–115, 119, 131–132, 215, 241–243, 251 new mind-set for, 77–78 new relationships of ex-spouse, 62–65, 120–122, 167–168, 204–205, 212, 222– 223, 229, 248, 249–250 opposing approaches to parenting and, 122–124 parenting classes and, 66–67 practical ideas for, 101–105 problems with parenting time, 79–87 questions for divorcing parents to discuss, 200–205, 218–221 regular involvement with child, 78, 79, 82, 86–87, 104–105, 184–185 respect for other parent’s time, 97–98, 101–102, 148–149 rules of, 97–98, 117, 146, 219–221, 244– 245, 250 safety issues in, 104, 123, 159–164, 200–202 shared parenting, 78–79, 82, 86 trends in, 77–79 perfectionism, 102 pets, 72, 250 photographs, 91, 96, 111 physical contact, 72 pickups/drop-offs inconsistency and, 148–149 268 www.ebook777.com I ndex for infants, 158–159 transitions in, 158–159 play fantasy play, 171–173 outdoor physical play, 40 Play Land Parent and, 84–87 play therapy, 38–39, 169–170 storytelling and, 38–39, 169–170 positive approach flexibility and, 20–21, 42, 81–82, 97–98, 101, 203 honesty in, 43–44, 114, 115, 144, 214, 224–225 mentioning positive actions of other parent, 21–22 new role of visiting parent, 77–78 praise in, 21–22, 216–217 pride of accomplishment and, 184–185 self-care for parents, 42, 58, 68–75, 231 see also coping skills praise of adolescents, 216–217 of former spouse, 21–22 praying, 58, 71 preschooler phase, 170–178 children’s books and, 176–178 demanding behavior in, 173–174 empathy in, 173 fantasy in, 171–173 imitation in, 178–179 reasoning ability in, 174–178 pride of accomplishment, 184–185 regressive behaviors, 167–168 relaxation and imagery techniques, 73 relief, of child, 37 remarriage, 248 resentment of child, 133, 228–230 of parents, 53–54, 82, 85–87, 96–97, 157–158 resistance, by child, 87–90 respect inconsistent pickups/drop-offs and, 148–149 for other parent’s time, 97–98, 101–102, 148–149 rules of parenting plan and, 97–98, 117, 146, 219–221, 244–245, 250 responsibility for divorce acceptance of, by parents, 44–45 removing from child, 32–33, 174–175, 198 restraining orders, 107–108 rituals, 121–122 after-school, 203–204 see also transitions rules for parenting plan, 97–98, 117, 146, 219–221, 244–245, 250 of parents, 117, 201–202, 219–221 questions of child about divorce, 113–115, 188, 214, 248–251 child as informant or spy and, 140–141, 242 for divorcing parents to discuss, 162, 200–205, 218–221 reasoning skills in adolescent phase, 212–213 in preschooler phase, 174–178 in school-age phase, 185–187 reconciliation false hope and, 125–126 fantasies of child and, 171–173, 249 sex between divorcing spouses and, 124– 126, 172–173 sadness of child, 7, 37, 91, 110–112, 152, 154, 166, 199, 246–247 of parents, 25, 245–246 safety issues, 123 child-friendly homes, 104, 159–160, 163–164 in infancy phase, 159–163 in school-age phase, 200–202 in toddler phase, 163–164 saying “no,” 73 school-age phase, 181–205 abandonment fears in, 194–197 attachment figures in, 182–184, 196 concrete thinking in, 185–187 egocentrism of, 191–194 increased self-reliance in, 189–191 judgments and criticisms in, 187–189 pride of accomplishment in, 184–185 questions for parents to discuss, 200–205 serious signs for parents, 197–200 269 S T I LL A FAMILY secrets, 204, 219, 243–244 self-blame, of child, 32–33, 37, 174–175, 198 self-care, for parents, 42, 58, 68–75, 231 self-esteem, 72–73 self-injury, 198 self-reliance, 189–191 sexuality of dating parents, 222–223 between divorcing spouses, 124–126, 172–173 “sex talk” with child, 200, 219, 225 shared parenting, 78–79, 82, 86 sleep bedtime patterns, 19, 117, 202–203, 244–245 living with ex-spouse after divorce, 59–60 napping by parent, 70–71 toddlers and, 167–168 smoking, see substance use and abuse spy, child as, 138–141, 242 stepfamilies, 62–65, 120–122, 249 storytelling, 38–39, 169–170 stranger anxiety, 87–88, 156–160, 162–163 stress, 47–6 causes of, 51–65 child as confidante, 141–142, 215 child as informant or spy, 138–141, 242 child-support issues, 138, 144–145 defined, 48 egocentrism in school-age phase, 191–194 forcing child to choose sides, 142–144 living with ex-spouse after divorce, 58–60 minimizing, 51–65 nature of, 48–51 Play Land Parent and, 84–87 relieving, 58, 65–76, 115–118 signs of, 48–50 substance use and abuse, 53–54, 60–62 of adolescents, 210, 217, 219 child as confidante and, 141–142 negative comments about other parent, 113 stress and, 48–49 taking care of personal issues, 67 support groups, 57 teachers, telling about divorce, 43, 127, 231, 245 teleconferencing, 79 telephone calls cell phones, 61, 79 rules for, 117, 220–221 voice mail and, 79, 91, 133 television, parents’ rules concerning, 201–202 timing, of telling child about decision to divorce, 25–27 toddler phase, 163–170 consistency in, 165–166 discipline in, 164–165 fears in, 166 independence in, 164–165 manipulation of parents in, 164–165 mobility in, 163–164 regressive behaviors in, 167–168 storytelling in, 38–39, 169–170 tone of voice, 154, 155–156 transitions for child and new partner of spouse, 62–65, 121–122 child refusal to go with parent, 87–90 for child returning from visits, 93–95 comfort items in, 103 for infants, 158–159 for parents, 69 voice mail, 79, 91, 133 webcams, 79 wedding memorabilia, 109–113 written communications caution in, 55 diaries and journaling, 40, 58, 91, 96, 132, 231 new partners of ex-spouse and, 63 technology and, 17, 79, 133 yoga, 71, 231 270 www.ebook777.com ...STILL A FAMILY A Guide to Good Parenting Through Divorce Dr L i sa Re né Reyn o l ds American Management Association New York • Atlanta • Brussels • Chicago • Mexico City • San Francisco Shanghai... I address the ques- tions that people ask over and over again in each class The details S T I LL A FA MILY may change from family to family, but the core issues are almost always the same among... Ferro, nationally recognized matrimonial and family lawyer and former president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) xvi www.ebook777.com Acknowledgments Many thanks to all the