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HEIDI GRANT Author of Things Successful People Do Differently Re in force ments How to Get People to Help You HARVARD BUSINESS REVIEW PRESS Re in force ments FM  Page i 26/02/18 3:25 PM FM  Page ii 26/02/18 3:25 PM HEIDI GRANT Re in force ments How to Get People to Help You HARVARD BUSINESS RE VIE W PRESS BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS FM  Page i 17/03/18 12:59 PM HBR Press Quantity Sales Discounts Harvard Business Review Press titles are available at significant quantity discounts when purchased in bulk for client gifts, sales promotions, and premiums Special editions, including books with corporate logos, customized covers, and letters from the company or CEO printed in the front matter, as well as excerpts of existing books, can also be created in large quantities for special needs For details and discount information for both print and ebook formats, contact booksales@harvardbusiness.org, tel 800-988-0886, or www.hbr.org/bulksales Copyright 2018 Heidi Grant All rights reserved No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior permission of the publisher Requests for permission should be directed to permissions@hbsp.harvard.edu, or mailed to Permissions, Harvard Business School Publishing, 60 Harvard Way, Boston, Massachusetts 02163 The web addresses referenced in this book were live and correct at the time of the book’s publication but may be subject to change Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication data Names: Halvorson, Heidi Grant-, 1973- author Title: Reinforcements : how to get people to help you / by Heidi Grant Halvorson Description: Boston, Massachusetts : Harvard Business Review Press, [2018] Identifiers: LCCN 2017054355 | ISBN 9781633692350 (hardcover : alk paper) Subjects: LCSH: Help-seeking behavior | Persuasion (Psychology) | Interpersonal communication | Management—Psychological aspects Classification: LCC HM1141 H35 2018 | DDC 153.8/52—dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017054355 eISBN: 9781633692367 FM  Page ii 17/03/18 12:59 PM Contents Part One: Asking for Help Is the Worst It Makes Us Feel Bad We Assume Others Will Say No 21 We Assume Asking for Help Makes Us Less Likable 37 Part Two: How to Ask Anyway The Inherent Paradox in Asking for Help 57 The Four Steps to Getting the Help You Need 79 Don’t Make It Weird 99 Part Three: Creating a Culture of Helpfulness The In-Group Reinforcement 121 The Positive Identity Reinforcement 143 The Effectiveness Reinforcement 163 Notes Index Acknowledgments About the Author 179 189 199 201 FM  Page iii 17/03/18 12:59 PM Part One Asking for Help Is the Worst Part Opener  Page 1 17/03/18 12:48 PM Part Opener  Page 2 17/03/18 12:48 PM Chapter It Makes Us Feel Bad Raise your hand if you have ever asked for help at work or at home Raise your hand if you have ever felt shy or stupid in doing so I think I can safely assume that most of us are waving our arms wildly —Alina Tugend, “Why Is Asking for Help So Difficult?,” New York Times, July 7, 2007 I actually felt as if I were going to perish —Psychologist Stanley Milgram, on asking a subway rider for their seat V anessa Bohns is a professor of organizational behavior at Cornell University who, along with her frequent collaborator Frank Flynn at Stanford, has spent years studying how people ask for help—or more specifically, why they are so reluctant to so Chapter_01  Page 3 17/03/18 11:32 AM Index agency, 6–7, 9, 57–59 autonomy threats and, 15 having to versus wanting to help and, 64–69 helper responsibility and, 88–92 in how help is given, 174–175 Aknin, Lara, 51–52 Algoe, Sara, 112–113 ambiguous situations, 84–85 American Red Cross, 115 American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, 103 apologies, 104–105 The Art of Asking (Palmer), 104 asking for help, 1–53 apologizing for, 104–105 assumptions about, 21–35 being explicit and detailed in, 95–96 being likable and, 37–53 control of others in, 6–7 directness in, 87–88 Index  Page 189 disclaimers in, 105–106 effectiveness and, 173–176 emotional benefits of giving help and, 43–51 emphasizing benefits to the other in, 106–108 emphasizing you versus the benefactor in, 112–114 face-to-face, 25 as a favor, 70–72, 108–109 feeling bad about, 3–19 helper responsibility and, 88–92 ignoring, 60–61, 76 importance of, 27–28 likelihood of positive response to, 7, 11, 21–25 making it weird, 99–117 making people feel controlled by, 69–76 motivation and, 25–27 necessity of, 5–6 neurology and, 11–18 overdoing empathy in, 101–103 17/03/18 12:31 PM 190  Index asking for help (continued) pain from, 11–18 paradox inherent in, 57–77 from people who’ve said no before, 28–35 from people who’ve said yes before, 33–34 positive identity reinforcement in, 157–159 positive responses to, 6–7 possible responses to, 59–64 reciprocity and, 72–76 reminding people they owe you and, 109–112 right ways for, saying no to, 60 selfishness of not, 53 steps in, 79–97 vagueness in, 95–96, 173–174 via group email, 91 yes responses to, 61–64 attribution styles, 151–152 audience inhibition, 83–85 autonomous helping, autonomy emphasizing how much the other person will love helping and, 106–108 having to versus wanting to help and, 64–66 in how help is given, 174–175 threats to, 15, 18 avoidance, 76 Index  Page 190 Batson, Daniel, 94–95 Baumann, Donald, 48–49 belonging, sense of, 9–10 chronic givers and, 44 in-group reinforcement and, 121–141 relatedness threats and, 15–16 social pain and, 13–18 as survival need, 13–14 benefactors, emphasis on, 112–114, 115 Beyond Pleasure and Pain (Higgins), 167 bias, 123, 126–127, 130 Big Brothers/Big Sisters, 31–32 blurbs, 29–30 Bohns, Vanessa, 3–4, 21–25, 26, 30–31, 40, 69, 71–72 brain asking for help and, 11–18 awareness of the need for help and, 81–83 competing commitments and helping, 92–96 dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, 12–13 facial recognition and, 121–122 gratitude and, 155–156 group membership and, 132–133 social nature of, 121 17/03/18 12:31 PM Index  191 wired to help, 11 bystander effect, 88–92, 159 Calvin and Hobbes, 32 Carr, Priyanka, 135–136 categorization, 123–127, 128–130, 134–135 certainty threats, 14–15, 18 Chabris, Christopher, 82 Cialdini, Robert, 31–32, 46–49 cognitive dissonance, 33–34, 39–40 collaboration, 5–6 collective reciprocity, 74, 75 collectivist cultures, 25 compliance, pressure for, 24–25 cognitive dissonance and, 33–34, 39–42 people who’ve said no and, 28–35 conservatives, proenvironment messages and, 157–159 contextual forces, 63 control, 6–7, 9, 59 apologies and, 104–105 autonomy and, 64–66 autonomy threats and, 15 by emphasizing how much the other person will love helping, 106–108 how we inadvertently make people feel, 69–76 reciprocity norms and, 72–76 Index  Page 191 reminding people they owe you and, 109–112 rewards as, 68–69 in wanting versus having to help, 65–69 cooperation, 5–6 culture of helpfulness, 119–178 individualistic versus collectivist, 25 shared goals and, 136–137 Cunningham, Will, 134–135 Cyberball, 16 Damon, Matt, 102 Darley, John, 84–85, 89–91, 94–95 denial, 152–153 depression, 49–50, 168 DeWall, Nathan, 12 disclaimers, 105–106 distancing, 104–105 door-in-the-face technique, 31–32 dorsal anterior cingulate cortex (dACC), 12–13 downward social comparison, 150 Dunn, Elizabeth, 51–52 effectiveness, sense of, 115–116, 163–178 desire for, 163–166 effects of lacking, 167–169 17/03/18 12:31 PM 192  Index effectiveness, sense of (continued) from helping, 170–173 impact level and, 166–169 increasing in helpers, 173–176 Eisenberger, Naomi, 12, 13 emotions about asking for help, 1–19 awareness of others’ need for help and, 83 control and, 75–76 empathy, 101–103 emphasizing in asking for help, 106–108 fear of looking foolish, 83–85 from getting help, 26–28 from giving help, 6–7, 43– 53, 100–101 happiness, 50–53, 166, 167 having to versus wanting to help and, 64–69 intrinsic motivation and, 65–67 making it weird and, 99–117 negative state relief and, 46–59 shared, group membership and, 139–141 empathy, 24, 101–103, 170–171 endowment effect, 160–161 enemies, finding common, 138–139 environment, framing of messages about, 157–159 explanatory styles, 151–152 Index  Page 192 face blindness, 121–122 factionalism, 139 failures, explanatory styles and, 151–152 fairness-driven giving, 43–44 fairness threats, 16–17 group membership and, 123 reciprocity norms and, 72–76 family privacy norm, 85–86 favors, asking for, 70–72, 108–109 feedback desire for accurate, 148–149 sense of effectiveness and, 170–171 flexibility, 174–175 Flynn, Frank, 3–4, 22, 30–31, 71–72, 73 focus, 13–14, 153–154 following up, 174 foot-in-the-door technique, 34 Franklin, Benjamin, 37–40 Freud, Sigmund, 164 Genovese, Kitty, 88–89 Gino, Francesca, 156, 171 givers, chronic, 43–44, 62 The Giving Tree (Silverstein), 175–176 goals, shared, 136–137 Good Samaritan parable, 93–95 17/03/18 12:31 PM Index  193 Grant, Adam, 43–44, 62, 111, 156, 171, 172 gratitude, 73, 112–113, 171 positive identity reinforcement and, 155–156 group membership, 9–10, 104– 105, 114–115, 121–141 guilt, 50 Hackel, Leor, 132–133 happiness, 50–53, 166, 167 See also emotions help ability of helpers to provide, 92–96 agency and giving, 6–7 asking for, 1–53 assumptions about rejection of, 21–35 being likable and, 37–53 believing that it is wanted, 83–88 bystander effect and, 88–92 competing commitments and giving, 92–96 effectiveness of, 170–173 effort given to, 25 emotional benefits of getting, 26–28 emotional benefits of giving, 6–7, 43–53 Index  Page 193 feeling bad about asking for, 3–19 group membership and, 121–141 having to versus wanting to, 64–69 life satisfaction and giving, 50–53 likelihood of getting, 7, 11, 21–25 mood boosts from giving, 45–46 necessity of, 5–6 nonsubstitutable, 159–161 paradox inherent in asking for, 57–77 from people who’ve said no before, 28–35 recognizing the need for, 79–83 steps to getting, 79–97 taking responsibility for, 88–92 Higgins, E Tory, 166–167 Hilaire, Nicole, 112–113 identity See also in-groups and out-groups cognitive dissonance and, 33–34, 39–42 giving help and, 33–34 group membership and, 132–133 17/03/18 12:31 PM 194  Index identity See also in-groups and out-groups (continued) of helper versus recipient of help, 157–159 as a helpful person, 154–157 maintaining positive, 150–154 other-praising and, 112–114 reinforcing positive, 115, 143–162 self-esteem and, 146–149 self-knowledge and, 144–146 uniqueness of helping ability and, 159–161 illusory correlation, 129 impact, 166–169 inattentional blindness, 81–82 income, life satisfaction and, 51–52 individual differences, 62–63 individualistic cultures, 25 influence, 44, 71–72 ingratitude, 156 in-groups and out-groups, 9–10, 114–115, 121–141 apologies and, 104–105 benefits of membership in, 127 bridging the gaps between, 133–141 categorization and, 123–127 common enemies and, 138–139 helping preferences and, 122–123, 131–133 Index  Page 194 interactions between, 129 minimal group paradigm on, 130–131 perceptions between, 128–130 shared experiences/feelings and, 139–141 shared goals between, 136–137 stereotypes about, 126–127 Innovation as Usual (Miller and Wedell-Wedellsborg), 99–100 intrinsic motivation, 65–67 group membership and, 136 Invisible Gorilla test, 81–82 It’s a Wonderful Life (movie), 50–51 Jecker, Jon, 41–42 Jobs, Steve, 27–28 Krogh, Kathryn, Kurtz, Laura, 112–113 Landy, David, 41–42 Latane, Bibb, 84–85, 89–91 leaders in promoting supportive behavior, Lepper, Mark, 68 17/03/18 12:31 PM Index  195 Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, 23 liberals, pro-environment messages and, 157–159 Lieberman, Matt, 13 life satisfaction, 50–53 likableness, 37–53 Lincoln, Abraham, 47–48 managers group membership and, 123 in promoting supportive behavior, Manuncia, Gloria, 48–49 Martela, Frank, 45–46 The Martian (movie), 102 matchers, 43 matching behavior, 111 McLachlan, Sarah, 103 meaning, 168–169 Milgram, Stanley, 3, 4–5 minimal group paradigm, 130–131 Mnemoxine, 49 mood, helping and, 45–50, 83 morality, 37–40, 157–159 motivation asking for help and, 25–27 cognitive dissonance and, 33–34, 39–42 control and, 67–69 empathy as, 101–103 having to versus wanting to help and, 64–69 Index  Page 195 intrinsic, 65–67 other-praising versus selfbenefit and, 112–114 pleasure versus pain and, 164–166 rewards and, 68–69 sense of effectiveness as, 115–116, 163–178 transparency illusion about, 10 from the word “together,” 135–136 negative state relief, 46–49 NeuroLeadership Institute, 13–14 Newark, Daniel, 30–31 nonsubstitutable help, 159–161 norms family privacy, 85–86 reciprocity, 72–76 Norton, Michael, 51–52 objective traits, 139–141 openness to receiving help, 96 operant conditioning, 8–9 optimistic explanatory style, 151–152 other-praising, 112–114 pain from asking for help, 11–18 from autonomy threats, 15 17/03/18 12:31 PM 196  Index pain (continued) avoidance of, 164–166 from certainty threats, 14–15 from fairness threats, 16–17 from relatedness threats, 15–16 social, 12–18 from status threats, 14 Palmer, Amanda, 104 perceptual load, 82 personality, 62–63 personal reciprocity, 73, 75 perspective taking, 24 pleasure versus pain, motivation based on, 164–166 political values, 157–159 positive identity reinforcement, 115, 143–162 denial and, 152–153 downward social comparisons and, 150 explanatory styles and, 151–152 focus in, 153–154 gratitude and, 155–156 helper’s identity versus recipient’s identity, 157–159 helping and, 154–157 nonsubstitutable help and, 159–161 self-esteem and, 146–149 self-knowledge and, 144–149 Index  Page 196 uniqueness of helping ability and, 159–161 power, 83 predictability, certainty threats and, 14–15, 18 Princeton seminary students study, 93–95 privacy norms, 85–86 productivity, 172 prosocial behaviors, 45–46, 47–48 group membership and, 130–131 happiness from, 50–53 prosopagnosia, 121–122 psychologically alone people, 136 psychologically together groups, 135–136 purpose, 168–169 racism, 126, 134–135 reasonableness, in asking for help, 96 reciprocity, 72–76, 102 apologizing for asking and, 104–105 reminding people they owe you and, 109–112 reinforcements definitions of, 8–9 in-group, 121–141 in motivating help, 63–64 motivation and, 9–10 17/03/18 12:31 PM Index  197 positive identity, 115, 143–162 sense of effectiveness, 115– 116, 163–178 sense of in-group, 114–115 rejection, 16, 18 asking from help from people who’ve said no and, 28–35 assuming, 21–35 of requests for help, 21–35 relatedness threats, 15–16, 18 relational reciprocity, 73–74, 75 resilience, 151–152 responsibility, diffusion of, 88–92, 159 rewards, intrinsic motivation and, 68–69 rice donations, 45–46 Rock, David, 13–14 Rogers, Fred, 10–11 Ryan, Richard, 45–46 self-benefit, 112–114 self-esteem, 144, 146–149 denial in maintaining, 152–153 explanatory styles and, 151–152 self-fulfilling prophecies, 129 self-handicapping, 153 self-image cognitive dissonance and, 33–34, 39–42 Index  Page 197 giving help and, 33–34 as a helpful person, 115, 143–144 other-praising and, 112–114 reinforcing positive, 115 self-knowledge, 144–146 self-perception, 144–146 Shotland, Lance, 86 Silver, Maury, Silverstein, Shel, 175–176 Simons, Dan, 82 situational forces, 63 Skinner, B.F., 8–9, 166 Social (Lieberman), 13 social neuroscience, 12–13 social pain, 12–18 social responsibility, 32–33 social threats, 13–18, 26 Spread the Net, 170 status threats, 14, 18 stereotypes, 126–127, 128 Straw, Margaret, 86 subway studies, 4–5 success chronic givers and, 43–44 explanatory style and, 151–152 survival needs, 122 connection/belonging, 13 Swann, William, 148 Tajfel, Henri, 130–131 takers, 43, 62 temporally proximate reciprocity, 111 17/03/18 12:31 PM 198  Index “together,” using the word to bridge gaps, 135–136 traits, objective, 139–141 transparency illusion, 10 Tugent, Alina, ultimatum game, 17 underestimation-of-help effect, 21–25 UNICEF, 170 Van Bavel, Jay, 132–133, 134–135 Index  Page 198 Walton, Greg, 135–136 wealth, life satisfaction and, 51–52 Wedell-Wedellsborg, Thomas, 99–100 Williams, Kip, 16 word-categorization tasks, 134–135 World Food Programme, 45–46 www.Freerice.com, 45–46 Zaki, Jamil, 132–133 17/03/18 12:31 PM Acknowledgments I just wrote a book about getting people to help you And if you had any doubts about whether or not I am qualified to write that book, let me put those fears to rest right now Because I have had a lot of help—so it stands to reason I know something about getting it, right? For starters, I am, as always, grateful to my mother, Sigrid Grant, who has been my strongest supporter and most valuable adviser She helps me with everything— and I mean everything—without me ever even having to ask She’s that good Speaking of being that good, thank you to my extraordinary editor-pretty-much-coauthor Sarah Green Carmichael To say that she saved this book—and my sanity—is not even a tiny exaggeration Her insights and guidance are everywhere, on every page If you liked this book and found it useful, you have Sarah to thank for it I’m also grateful to the amazingly patient and encouraging Tim Sullivan, editorial director of the Harvard Business Review Press, who helped me shape the idea for the book and then waited without ever complaining Acknowledgments  Page 199 17/03/18 12:39 PM 200  Acknowledgments even once for me to get around to writing the damn thing While I’m at it, a big thanks to everyone at HBR who has worked on this book and the ones before it This book, and every book I’ve ever written, owes the ultimate debt to my friend and rock star literary agent Giles Anderson He is particularly gifted when it comes to telling which of my ideas are good and which are stinkers He’s batting 1000 so far For making my career as an author possible, Giles, I thank you To my friends and colleagues who helped me shape the ideas in this book, who clued me into great research and stories, and pointed out all the things I might have missed, I thank: Drake Baer, Vanessa Bohns, Jay Dixit, Adam Grant (seriously, no relation), Tory Higgins, David Rock, Thomas Wedell-Wedellsborg, Tessa V West, and Jay Van Bavel And on a personal note thank you, Joseph Francis, for always being the friend I need, in all the ways I need you to be Somehow, you turned one of the hardest times in my life into one of the happiest ones Finally, I am grateful for my two children, Annika and Max They didn’t really help with the book, I’ll be honest But they make my life awesome Acknowledgments  Page 200 17/03/18 12:39 PM About the Author Heidi Grant, PhD, is Global Director of Research and Development at the NeuroLeadership Institute, and Associate Director of Columbia University’s Motivation Science Center She is the author of the international bestsellers Nine Things Successful People Do Differently, Succeed: How We Can Reach Our Goals, No One Understands You and What to Do about It, and Focus: Use Different Ways of Seeing the World for Success and Influence (with E Tory Higgins) She is a frequent contributor to Harvard Business Review, strategy+business, Fast Company, 99U, The Atlantic, and Psychology Today, and has been listed as one of Thinkers50’s top thought leaders in management Heidi earned her PhD from Columbia University, working with Carol Dweck (author of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success) Heidi and her family live in Pelham, NY Visit her website: http://www.heidigrantphd.com/ About_The_Author  Page 201 17/03/18 12:35 PM ... well-being are affected by engaging in each In part III, we will dive into why reinforcements (the people) need reinforcements (the motivators) You will Chapter_01  Page 9 17/03/18 11:32 AM... at asking for help, we need to understand reinforcements the small, subtle cues that motivate people to work with us Once we do, we’ll find an army of reinforcements in the form of helpful people—riding... Reaching your fullest potential—professionally or personally—requires you to understand how to enlist reinforcements when you need them For many of us, “when you need them” is literally every day The