ALSO BY THE AUTHOR Expecting Adam: A True Story of Birth, Rebirth, and Everyday Magic Breaking Point: Why Women Fall Apart and How They Can Re-Create Their Lives Grateful acknowledgment is made to the following for permission to reprint previously published material: The Famous Music Publishing Companies Lyrics from “Paths of Desire” written by Emil Adler and Julie Flander Copyright © 1991 by Famous Music Corporation and October Project Publishing HarperCollins Publishers: Excerpt from page 48 from Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu, A New English Version, with Foreword and Notes by Stephen Mitchell Translation copyright © 1988 by Stephen Mitchell Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc Copyright © 2001 by Martha Beck All rights reserved No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher Published by Three Rivers Press, New Y ork, New Y ork Member of the Crown Publishing Group Random House, Inc New Y ork, Toronto, London, Sydney, Auckland www.randomhouse.com THREE RIVERS PRESS and the Tugboat design are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc Originally published in hardcover by Crown Publishers in 2001 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Beck, Martha Nibley, 1962– Finding your own North Star : claiming the life you were meant to live / Martha Beck.— 1st ed Success I Title BJ1611 B32 2001 158.1—dc21 00-043133 ISBN 9780812932188 Ebook ISBN 9780307453136 v4.1_r1 a Karen, this one’s for you Throughout this book, I have drawn heavily on examples from the clients in my Life Design program and workshops However, to protect their privacy and ensure confidentiality, I have changed their names, descriptions, and other identifying characteristics I am profoundly grateful to them for their example and trust in me; in helping them find their own North Stars, they have helped me find mine I have not disguised the names of any members of my family, my friends, or my sainted beagle, Cookie This book owes a great deal to my students at the American Graduate School of International Management (Thunderbird), who put up with my unorthodox teaching style, forgave me for my mistakes, shared their life and career histories, and urged me to explore my interest in “life design.” In particular, I’d like to thank Jessica Walters and Susan Bagdadhi for their insight, energy, and sensitivity I’d also like to thank the individuals who allowed me to interview them, in an undisguised attempt to steal the secrets of their success The ideas for this book began to take shape while I was working as a research assistant for Dr John Kotter, of Harvard Business School I thank him for hiring me despite my total lack of experience or ability, and for being patient while I developed a little of each I’m also deeply grateful to Dr John Beck, of Andersen Consulting’s Institute for Strategic Change (no, the name is not a coincidence) Many of the ideas in this book came from John, and all of them were run through his brain at least three or four times as we debated over our morning lattes Aristotle believed that a physician had to experience a disease before trying to cure it I’ve definitely been through the process of losing and regaining my own North Star, and without certain people as guides, I would never have found my way back It’s impossible to name all these people, but some of them are (in the order they showed up) Rebecca Nibley, Robert Bennion, Will Reimann, Sibyl Johnston, Ruth Killpack and the gang at Aspen, Lydia and Sylvia Nibley, Dawn Swanson, Annette Rogers, and all my brave, wonderful clients My incredible editor, Betsy Rapoport, has been not only a friend and North Star guide, but a midwife to this book and my writing in general I can’t thank her enough for her brilliance, kindness, wit, and sheer endurance My agent Beth Vesel and her assistant Emilie Stewart have also been stalwart supporters My magazine editors, including Jeanie Pyun, Lisa Benenson, Marcia Menter, Carol Kramer (and all the other folks at Real Simple), encouraged me to push “life design” ideas further and put them in readable form It has been a privilege having them as teachers Finally my love and thanks to the population of my Stella Polaris: John, Kevin, Kat, Adam, Liz, Cookie the Intrepid, and especially Karen Their presence in my life is daily proof that even impossible dreams come true Cover Also by the Author Title Page Copyright Dedication Author’s Note Acknowledgments Introduction Chapter The Disconnected Self Chapter Reconnecting: How Your Essential Self Says “No” Chapter Getting to Yes Chapter Just Because You’re Paranoid Doesn’t Mean Everybody Isn’t Out to Get You Chapter Getting Everybody on Your Side Chapter How Holly Got Her Bod Back Chapter Soul Shrapnel: Repairing Your Emotional Compass Chapter Reading Your Emotional Compass Chapter Charting Your Course Chapter 10 Advanced Compass Reading: Intuition Chapter 11 A Map of Change Chapter 12 Square One: Death and Rebirth Chapter 13 Square Two: Dreaming and Scheming Chapter 14 Square Three: The Hero’s Saga Chapter 15 Square Four: The Promised Land About the Author “Right in the middle of my life, I realized that I wasn’t where I wanted to be It was like I’d wandered off the right path into a very, very bad neighborhood I don’t even want to remember how scary that space was—makes me feel like I’m gonna die or something I’m only telling you about it because a lot of good came of it in the long run So anyway, I don’t even know how I ended up so far off course I felt like I’d been sleepwalking.”—Dan, age 41 This story could have come from any one of the hundreds of people I’ve met in my office, classes, and seminars, but it didn’t As a matter of fact, “Dan” is short for Dante, as in Dante Alighieri The paragraph above is my own exceedingly loose rendition of the first twelve lines of The Divine Comedy, written in 1307 Sometimes I tell clients about it, because it helps them believe they aren’t the first people who’ve ever snapped awake at midlife, only to find themselves dazed, unhappy, and way off course It’s been happening at least since the Middle Ages, and not only to the middle-aged I see a lot of folks like Dan in my line of work I offer a service called “life design.” It isn’t therapy, although I tend to talk a lot with my clients about their feelings and personal histories It isn’t career counseling, although I’ve helped many people spiff up their résumés, prep for job interviews, and refine business plans Life design, at least the way I practice it, is the process of helping people find what Dante called “la verace via,” the true path Not that there’s only one true path, you understand There are as many paths as there are people, and the only one I can chart is my own I have no idea, for example, where your true path may lie But you In The Divine Comedy, the poet Virgil shows up out of nowhere—poof!—to guide Dante out of the Dark Wood of Error I certainly hope this happens for you, too, but I wouldn’t hold my breath And God knows, I’m no Virgil What I am is a coach who can help you recognize your true path, find your way back to it, and stay on course After reading thousands of helpful books, getting lost in my own Dark Wood of Error several million times, and helping hundreds of people create lives where their souls can thrive, I’ve developed concepts and tools for facilitating the process This book contains the best advice I can give Though each person’s life path is different, I believe that the human journey, writ large, has some universal aspects All cultures, in every geographic region and historical period, have idealized the qualities of truth, love, and joy I’ve never had a client who wasn’t in search of these things, who didn’t feel that a blend of these components is both our real home and the best version of our inner nature When Dante went off looking for a situation where he could experience the ultimate realization of these qualities, he called the goal Paradise You can call it Heaven, Nirvana, the Garden of Allah, Enlightenment, a condition resulting from high levels of serotonin in the brain, or Disneyland—I don’t really care, so long as we have some shorthand label for the ultimate manifestation of our potential for good and happiness I think of this condition as the North Star According to my dictionary, the North Star, known to its friends as Stella Polaris, is “situated close to the north pole of the heavens.” Because of its location, the North Star doesn’t appear to move around in the sky as the other stars do; it is a “fixed point” that can always be used to figure out which way you’re headed Explorers and mariners can depend on Polaris when there are no other landmarks in sight The same relationship exists between you and your right life, the ultimate realization of your potential for happiness I believe that a knowledge of that perfect life sits inside you just as the North Star sits in its unalterable spot You may think you’re utterly lost, that you’re going to die a bewildered death in the Dark Wood of Error But brush away the leaves, wait for the clouds to clear, and you’ll see your destiny shining as brightly as ever: the fixed point in the constantly changing constellations of your life I’ve been privileged to watch many people discover their own North Stars—and it always is a discovery, an “uncovering,” rather than a creation ex nihilo Even people who have never experienced much happiness, who have been plagued since birth by confusion, injustice, and pain, know exactly what set of conditions will allow them to fulfill their potential while creating the greatest positive impact on the world I guarantee that you have a similar image inside you Once you’ve found your own North Star, keeping it in view is a fine way to stay on course—as long as the sky remains clear But what about the cloudy nights, the dark tunnels, the moments when you realize that your soul is acutely nearsighted and you’ve lost your glasses? In situations where you feel utterly befogged, you may need some help figuring out where your North Star lies This is what compasses are for Whichever direction you turn, the needle of a compass remains pointed at Polaris In moments when you can’t see your destiny, or can’t believe that it’s really guiding you, it helps to know that you have several different “compasses” built into your brain and body In Chapters through 8, you’ll learn how to read your internal “compasses” to guide you in the search for your true path If your life is cloudy and you’re far, far off course, you may have to go on faith for a while, but eventually you’ll learn that every time you trust your internal navigation system, you end up closer to your right life By reading these compasses, you can continue the journey toward your own North Star even during the times (and there will be many) when you feel blind and lost Knowing what your own North Star looks like and understanding the built-in compasses that guide you toward it are necessary but insufficient conditions for actually reaching the life you were meant to live You also need vehicles to carry you forward ... eventually you ll learn that every time you trust your internal navigation system, you end up closer to your right life By reading these compasses, you can continue the journey toward your own North Star. .. When you leave your true path and start heading away from your North Star, your essential self will use any or all of its skills and tools to stop you If your social self won’t pay attention to. .. decision that takes you farther from your North Star Teaching your social self to pay attention when your essential self says “no” is the most basic way to reconnect the two sides of your personality