ADVANCE PRAISE FOR THE JOY OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION Gary’s warmth, knowledge, and experience shine through this lively, fresh and inviting approach to conflict resolution He guides us through the rough waters of conflict to the joy that comes when we connect deeper than our differences Gary, is truly a Warrior of the Heart in every way — Jerilyn Brusseau, Co-founder, PeaceTrees Vietnam In language we can all understand and with situations we’ve all suffered through, Joy of Conflict is a must for employees, managers, parents and anyone who values their relationships with others — Paul Choudhury, P.Eng Manager, System Control, British Columbia Transmission Corporation This book provides us with a new refreshing perspective, presenting difficult concepts in a very “user friendly” way which allows us to better understand the sources of conflict around us, providing practical tools that can be put to use by everyone It is by far one of the best books I’ve seen on workplace conflict — Jaylene Chew, Human Resources Professional By using easy to relate to everyday stories, Gary encourages us to move from being ‘stuck’ in our reoccurring patterns of conflict The opportunities to reflect and practice at the end of each chapter makes learning new ways to respond in conflict accessible to everyone — Pam White, Director, Centre for Conflict Resolution Justice Institute of BC Gary Harper’s adroit use of the story-telling model and his common sense narrative approach casts a fresh perspective on the dynamics of conflict and is rich with the kind of insight that enhances problem-solving tool kits for organizations and individuals — Kevin Evans, Vice President, Western Canada, Retail Council of Canada This is a valuable read for anyone wanting a quick and accessible understanding of the conflict that has captured them and how to get out of it — Gerald Monk, author of Narrative Mediation The Joy of Conflict manages to open doors to the world of conflict and conflict resolution with humor, creativity and insight It’s an adventure in reading and reflection that I would recommend to anyone who lives or works with anyone else — Michael Fogel, J.D., LL.B., M.Ed (Counselling Psychology) former judge, presently a mediator and conflict resolution/leadership educator The Joy of Conflict Resolution and its simple portrayal of victims, villains, and heroes has enabled me effectively address issues by being aware of the role I play during a conflict Through Gary’s illustrative humor, this book is an easy read and contains a wealth of information and tools on how to effectively deal with people I think The Joy of Conflict Resolution would be a welcome addition to any technical support person’s daily reading — George Young, MCSE Bentall Capital, Manager, IT Infrastructure Gary’s story-telling approach transforms theory and experience into living colour A wonderful approach of insight and skill development that I recommend without hesitation — Neil Godin, President, Neil Godin International Ltd NEW SOCIETY PUBLISHERS Cataloguing in Publication Data: A catalog record for this publication is available from the National Library of Canada Copyright © 2004 by Gary Harper All rights reserved Cover design and illustration by Diane McIntosh Illustrations by Derek Toye Printed in Canada by Friesens New Society Publishers acknowledges the support of the Government of Canada through the Book Publishing Industry Development Program (BPIDP) for our publishing activities Paperback ISBN: 0-86571-515-7 Inquiries regarding requests to reprint all or part of The Joy of Conflict Resolution should be addressed to New Society Publishers at the address below To order directly from the publishers, please add $4.50 shipping to the price of the first copy, and $1.00 for each additional copy (plus GST in Canada) Send check or money order to: New Society Publishers P.O Box 189, Gabriola Island, BC V0R 1X0, Canada 1-800-567-6772 New Society Publishers’ mission is to publish books that contribute in fundamental ways to building an ecologically sustainable and just society, and to so with the least possible impact on the environment, in a manner that models this vision We are committed to doing this not just through education, but through action We are acting on our commitment to the world’s remaining ancient forests by phasing out our paper supply from ancient forests worldwide This book is one step towards ending global deforestation and climate change It is printed on acid-free paper that is 100% old growth forest-free (100% post-consumer recycled), processed chlorine free, and printed with vegetable based, low VOC inks For further information, or to browse our full list of books and purchase securely, visit our website at: www.newsociety.com NEW SOCIETY PUBLISHERS www.newsociety.com To the bridge builder and peacemaker in each of us CONTENTS Acknowledgments ix Introduction xi CHAPTER 1: VICTIMS, VILLAINS, AND HEROES Fairy tales of conflict Roles we play Beyond the drama triangle CHAPTER 2: LESSONS FROM THE SANDBOX 13 Grow up, already 13 My PhD advisor can beat up your PhD advisor 14 Themes from the playground 14 It’s hard to see the picture when you’re in the frame 17 Conflict as its own reward 18 The roots of defensiveness 19 CHAPTER 3: JUST LIKE THE MOVIES 21 Elements of conflict stories 21 What drives us? 25 Our conflict dramas 28 When did the knife go in? 30 The journey from confrontation to collaboration 31 CHAPTER 4: WELCOME TO TURM-OIL INC 33 Co-workers in conflict 33 Black Friday 38 CHAPTER 5: THE ASSUMPTION ICEBERG 44 Book ’em, Dinah 44 Motive and impact 47 Book ’em, Dinah (revisited) 50 CHAPTER 6: THE WOBBLY STOOL OF CONFLICT 53 The three legs of conflict 54 Big Bob goes bananas 55 Diagnosing resistance 58 Identifying the problem 58 Respecting process needs 59 Stabilizing the emotion 62 Big Bob goes bananas (revisited) 63 CHAPTER 7: THE PERILS OF ANGER MOUNTAIN 68 Responses to anger 69 Significance of the anger arousal cycle 73 Strategies to defuse others’ anger 74 The time and place for apologies 80 CHAPTER 8: BEWARE THE CONFLICT GREMLINS 82 Strategies to manage our own anger 82 Get to know your gremlins 84 What to about our gremlins 89 Listen to your inner coach 90 CHAPTER 9: THE POWER OF LISTENING 93 The North Wind and the Sun 94 Why listen? 94 Silence is golden 98 Proving you understand 99 How to get the full story 100 A metaphor is worth a thousand words 103 The importance of being genuine 104 CHAPTER 10: SPINNING THE STRAW OF DEFENSIVENESS 107 The chain reaction of defensiveness 107 Defining defensiveness 108 Spinning the gold of understanding 109 Forms of defensiveness: more lessons from the sandbox 109 Warming the climate 112 Doug separates the person from the problem 113 When you hit bedrock 115 CHAPTER 11: ESCAPING THE TRAP OF POSITIONS 117 No room at the inn for Vic 117 Trapped by positions 118 Naming the topic 119 The key to collaboration — interests and needs 121 Shifting from positions to interests 121 CHAPTER 12: PROBING THE DEPTHS OF CONFLICT 128 Shifting judgment to curiosity 128 All questions are not created equal 129 Peeling the onion for the real story 131 I’ll show you mine if … 134 Ask only if you really want to know 135 CHAPTER 13: STANDING UP FOR OURSELVES (WITHOUT KNOCKING THE OTHER PERSON DOWN) 137 An alternative to fight or flight 137 Passive behavior 138 Aggressive behavior 139 “I” statements 139 The difficult person story 141 “I’m okay They need professional help” 145 Describing the difficult behavior 146 First within, then without 148 The D-E-S statement 148 When the other person doesn’t respond 150 A few tips 151 CHAPTER 14: THE ROAD TO RESOLUTION 153 Preparing to meet 154 Doug’s preparation to meet with Marko 155 Steps to collaboration 157 The conflict resolution two-step 162 CHAPTER 15: TIPS FOR THE TRAVELER 165 Being a warrior of the heart 165 The inner work 166 Active curiosity 172 Focusing on specific skills 173 Changing the dance 175 Don’t go it alone 181 Other tips 183 Resources 187 Bibliography 188 Index 189 About the Author 195 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS This book celebrates my community While I may have authored the work, its content reflects the shared learning of the many friends, colleagues, and teachers with whom I have had the good for-tune to dialogue over the years The book draws also from what I have learned from thousands of my students while under the pretense that I was teaching them When the student is ready, the teacher will appear Three teachers appeared to support and influence my personal and professional growth Bob Trask opened the world of spirituality to me Michael Fogel imparted the conflict resolution skills and principles that allowed me to make this field my profession And Danaan Parry deepened my understanding of conflict by awakening the warrior of the heart within me