THE POWER OF understanding YOURSELF THE KEY TO SELF-DISCOVERY, PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT, AND BEING THE BEST YOU DAVE MITCHELL Cover image: © bubaone/Getty Images Cover design: Wiley Copyright © 2019 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc All rights reserved Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey Published simultaneously in Canada No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, (978) 750-8400, fax (978) 646-8600, or on the Web at www.copyright.com Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & 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ISBN 9781119516330 (hardcover) Subjects: LCSH: Self-perception | Self-realization Classification: LCC BF697.5.S43 (ebook) | LCC BF697.5.S43 M59 2019 (print) | DDC 155.2 dc23 LC r ecor d a v a ila ble a t h t t ps://lccn loc.g ov /2 8 CONTENTS Preface Acknowledgments PART ONE: THE GRAPE Chapter Metacognition: The Process of Evaluating “The Juice” Metacognition Versus Self-Awareness Thinking About Our Thoughts Choosing to Extract Me Your Cognitive Schemas Make You Unique Chapter Locus of Control: You Are the Winemaker Delusions, Control, and Disappointment Finding Your Locus of Control Chapter Alignment: From Vine to Bottle Inputs and Outputs Horizontal Alignment Chapter Core Ideology: The Crush of Juice, Stems, Skins, and Seeds Examining Inputs Assessing Your Desired Outputs Identifying Your Core Ideology Vertical Alignment PART TWO: THE STYLE Chapter What’s My Style?: Shades of Me Understanding Interactive Style Chapter Experts: It’s About the Process for Me Meeting the Expert The Behavioral Cues (or lack thereof) of Experts An Expert Is a Wine’s Acidity Chapter Romantics: It’s About the People for Me Meeting the Romantic Putting Others’ Happiness Before Your Own Reframing Childhood Trials A Romantic Is a Wine’s Sweetness Chapter Masterminds: It’s About the Possibilities for Me Meeting the Mastermind Breaking the Rule in Order to Follow the Rule A Mastermind Is a Wine’s Fruit Chapter Warriors: It’s About the Pace and the Point for Me Meeting the Warrior No Room for Interesting Details A Warrior Is a Wine’s Tannin PART THREE: THE BALANCE Chapter 10 Punching Down the Cap: The Pursuit of Balance Finding the Right Balance The Good and Bad of Stress Chapter 11 Punching Down the Expert Style Influence on Me Complementary Versus Contrasting Balance An Expert with a Secondary Romantic (lowest score A column, next-lowest score B column) An Expert with a Secondary Mastermind (lowest score A column, next-lowest score C column) An Expert with a Secondary Warrior (lowest score A column, next-lowest score D column) Extracting Me Worksheet Chapter 12 Punching Down the Romantic Style Influence on Me A Romantic with a Secondary Expert (lowest score B column, second-lowest score A column) A Romantic with a Secondary Mastermind (lowest score B column, secondlowest score C column) A Romantic with a Secondary Warrior (lowest score B column, second-lowest score D column) Extracting Me Worksheet Chapter 13 Punching Down the Mastermind Style Influence on Me A Mastermind with a Secondary Expert (lowest score C column, next-lowest score A column) A Mastermind with a Secondary Romantic (lowest score C column, next-lowest score B column) A Mastermind with a Secondary Warrior (lowest score C column, next-lowest score D column) Extracting Me Worksheet Chapter 14 Punching Down the Warrior Style Influence on Me A Warrior with a Secondary Expert (lowest score D column, next-lowest score A column) A Warrior with a Secondary Romantic (lowest score D column, next-lowest score B column) A Warrior with a Secondary Mastermind (lowest score D column, next-lowest score C column) Extracting Me Worksheet Chapter 15 An Example of Punching Down Your Own Style Analyzing My Assessment PART FOUR: THE VINTAGE Chapter 16 Veraison: The Evolution of Me 16.1 A Shift in Perspective 16.2 Holy &#!* 16.3 Identifying Your Veraison Chapter 17 Age-Worthy: Maintaining the Best Me 17.1 Becoming Better with Age 17.2 An Endless Appetite for Learning 17.3 Civil Conversations for Understanding Different Perspectives 17.4 Aging Well Physically 17.5 A Plan for Greater Achievement Epilogue Uncorking Me Extracting Me Worksheet About the Author Index End User License Agreement List of Tables Chapter 11 Table 11.1 Table 11.2 Table 11.3 Chapter 12 Table 12.1 Table 12.2 Table 12.3 Chapter 13 Table 13.1 Table 13.2 Table 13.3 Chapter 14 Table 14.1 Table 14.3 List of Illustrations Chapter Figure 3.1 The concept of alignment in organizational development Preface Extraction: As it relates to making red wine, this is the process of pulling out the true essence of the grape to produce the finest possible wine While the juice is generally colorless, the skin, seeds, and stems add character, vibrancy, and flavor nuance With too little extraction, the wine lacks color and complexity – too much extraction and the wine can be selfindulgent, overbearing, and brusque My earliest clear memories from my childhood are of me walking in the woods with my dogs I spent many of my days, when I was as young as six years old, wandering and pondering Much of this fondness to disappear into the woods had to with the challenges facing my mother She was dealing with the mental anguish brought on by a life cocktail of an unplanned second era of parenthood, undiagnosed depression, and menopause As a result, she developed unhealthy relationships with vodka, barbiturates, diet pills, and my father And she was not a happy drunk My coping mechanism was to vacate the premises in hopes that she would pass out by the time I returned I have long since forgiven my mom, realizing that I arrived at a bad time for her This book is not about her – but as it is a book predicated on the notion of fully knowing oneself, her influence on me must be included I think it is also important to point out that despite her struggles, she exists in me through many of the traits of which I am most proud Within every cloud there is a silver lining and such, as they say For one thing, she indirectly and unintentionally but effectively inspired my ability to engage in metacognition, a concept that is discussed at length in this book My initial companion on these childhood journeys among the trees was my dog, Long John; or, as my dad called him, Bird Brain, due to his odd habit of chasing birds out of our yard Soon, we were blessed with the arrival of Red, the most loyal and well-trained canine member of our family Unlike Long John, whose attention span was commensurate with his nickname, Red never left my side from the time I walked out of the house and into the woods until I would return home many hours later Perhaps it had to with Red’s puppyhood Red was already an adult when we first met Judging by his demeanor, training, and appearance, he had been well loved and cared for He was a passenger in a car accident near my hometown of Greenup, Illinois My mother was a news stringer for the local television and radio stations and would contact local authorities to get details of any story that the area media might be interested in A car accident, particularly one in which there was a fatality, was a big story in a small community When she contacted the Cumberland County sheriff’s department, they informed her that the driver of the car had been killed The other occupant was unharmed but emotionally shaken The lucky survivor was Red Touched by his plight, my mom sent my dad to collect Red and bring him to our house, where we would keep him pending notification of the family Red’s next of kin was the brother of his travel companion Because that brother lived in Hawaii, it would be nearly a week before the family could arrange to pick up Red Within that week, he had endeared himself to our family in a way that no other dog had previously done I remember the incredible sadness I felt the evening that we waited for Red’s “uncle” to pick him up We lived at the end of Wylde Drive, a dead-end road that stopped at our house Eventually, a pair of headlights approached our home The car pulled into the driveway and my mother, father, and I looked at each other and at Red and began to cry We waited for the knock on the door And we waited After a few minutes, the car backed out of our driveway and drove away No one ever showed up to claim Red It was one of the happiest days of my childhood For the next several years, I had a hiking buddy nonpareil It is not hyperbole to say there was no other creature, human or otherwise, that I was closer to than Red during this time In many ways, this book and my life in general are the products of my mom, my dad, and Red Without my mom, I would not have taken to the woods, spending countless hours contemplating the world and my place within it She also contributed to my aptitude for public speaking, a reporter and entertainer in her own right Without my dad, I would not have my sense of duty; he stayed with my mom for 53 years, allowing only her death to separate them And without Red, I would not have felt the security to take those walks alone, to turn my attention deep inside myself and start the trek inward to discover my truth Many others would aid my odyssey: my lovely bride, my children, my sister, friends, co-workers, clients, and more than a few strangers We are all shaped by those who cross our path I am thankful for them all, regardless of the context of our intersection, because each has allowed me to learn more about me, to grow, to become the best me possible Still today, 50 years after those childhood experiences with Red, I am drawn to long hikes of solitude when I feel unsettled, out of alignment Having moved from Illinois to Florida to Colorado and, finally, to Walla Walla, Washington, this habit – my “wander ponders” – have remained a part of my life After arriving in Washington State’s wine country immersing myself in the wine industry, I have come to realize that I’ve been undertaking the human equivalent of what the wine world calls “extraction.” I am learning how to express my essence as a human being to be the best person possible It is an expedition that never ends, but never fails to fulfill Just like a winemaker working with the grape to create the perfect expression in a bottle, we are rewarded when we endeavor to find and display our gift And, just like a winemaker, my muse was Red Acknowledgments Despite my lifelong fascination (obsession?) with metacognition, reflection, and contemplation, writing this book reminded me of the many people who have shaped my life Many of them are mentioned within this work, but far more are not As the cliché goes, “there are too many to list here.” But there are a few too important to not list My lovely bride, Lori, is my reason for being Y ou never stop astounding me as a person, a spouse, a mother, and a friend I love you more than I thought it possible to love My daughter Brooke and son Slade have made me a better human being Y ou make me proud I love you both and will forever everything in my power to ensure that your life is good My sister provided a pivot point in my life when I needed it most I love you, Sis! In addition to those mentioned in the book, my enduring gratitude is extended to Nancy and Russ, Tom and Peggy, Bonnie, Debby, all my teachers – by profession and by chance and my many clients and seminar attendees from whom I have learned more than I have taught A special thank you to the best editors in the business, Christine Moore and Vicki Adang, for their encouragement and ability to gently point out my narrative clunkiness In the words of Hemingway, “write drunk, edit sober.” For their unwavering canine support over the years, a shout-out to Long John, Heidi, Fannie Mae, Killer, Toots, Goofus, Pilgrim, Sparky, Martini, Rossi, Boone, and Bob – the latter laid on the couch in silence while I muttered the occasional profanity during the writing of this book Mom, thank you for what you gave me It was more than you knew Finally, this book is dedicated to my two original mentors: my dad and Red I cannot think of either of you without the seemingly impossible experience of smiling and crying, simultaneously I can’t think of a better lingering effect on someone My tertiary style preference (third lowest score) is How close is my tertiary style preference to my secondary style preference? What does the relationship between my tertiary style preference and my secondary style preference tell me about my style? My least preferred style (highest score) is _ How does that influence my overall style? What have I learned about my style as it relates to the following categories: Complementary Versus Contrasting Balance Preferences Versus Vulnerabilities Impact on Resiliency Write a paragraph or more about Me that summarizes all the information that you assembled about your style VERAISON: THE EVOLUTION OF ME What major life experiences (inputs) have occurred to me since adulthood? How did I react to these experiences? How did these experiences change what I valued (outputs)? Did I change my core ideology as a result of these experiences? If so, how? If not, why? What changes in my core ideology would I make now, having reflected on these life events more? AGE-WORTHY: MAINTAINING THE BEST ME What is your plan for a new or continued commitment to each of the following? Lifelong learning Civil discourse Personal wellness About the Author Dave Mitchell is an internationally recognized, award-winning speaker on leadership, relationships, selling skills, and customer experience He founded the Leadership Difference, Inc in 1995 His popularity is based on his unique ability to bring humor and authenticity to proven business strategies and complicated applied cognitive psychology concepts He is also a certified advanced wine sommelier, which is a far more popular topic for discussion at parties In addition to this book, Dave authored Live and Learn or Die Stupid and The Power of Understanding People When not traveling around the world delivering “enter-train-ment” to his many clients, Dave enjoys tending to 20 acres of land outside Walla Walla, Washington, in the heart of the Washington wine country with his lovely bride, Lori They have two adult children, Brooke and Slade, and a collection of animals of the equine, canine, and feline variety Index A Adventurers, 143–146, 147t The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension! (film), 144 Age, becoming better with, 184–185 and lifelong learning, 185–189 and staying healthy, 193–195 and understanding different perspectives, 189–193 Alignment, 23–30 and core ideology, 41 and horizontal alignment, 26–30 and ideology, 23–24 and inputs/outputs, 24–26 in organizational development, 24, 25f Allen, Woody, on making God laugh, 15 Alomar, Sandy, 39 Animals, interactive styles of, 135–138 A Balance, creating, 99–105 Baseball, 123–124 Behavior, consistency of, 58 Best Friends, 126–128, 129t The Big Bang Theory (television show), 116 Bistro Boys, 189–190 Blind spot, 56 Bracewell, Dee Dee, 14 Brain, cognitive functions of the, 33 Breaking the rules, 82–86 Briggs, Katharine, 81 Business class, flying, 82–86 A Cabernet Sauvignon, 94–95 Ceausescu, Nicolae, 174 Change, ability of people to, 171–173 Chicago, Illinois, 108–109 Childhood: examining our, 33–34 of Romantics, 74–75 Chronic stress, 104 Coach, flying, 82–86 Cognitive development, 33 Cognitive schemas, 9–11 Collective unconscious, 55 Common pattern, 61 Complementary balance, 110–111 Consistency, of behavior, 58 Contrasting balance, 110–111 Core ideology, 24, 31–48 and cognitive development, 33 and desired outputs, 36–41 and horizontal alignment, 26–27 identifying your, 41–47 inputs contributing to, 34–36 and vertical alignment, 47–48 Crusaders, 132–133, 134t Cummings, Thomas, 24, 25 A Decker, Coach, 124–125 Delusions, 15 Demon Committee Meetings, 16–18 Dennis (author’s best friend), 38 Details, ignoring the, 92–94 Detectives, 116–118, 118t Dialectical thinking, 189 Dynamic patterns, 57–60 A Eccentrics, 140–141, 141t Economic inputs, 25 Efficiency, 25–26, 37 Emotional sensitivity, 75 Expert(s), 63–69, 107–121 behavioral cues of, 65–67 characteristics of, 64–65 Mastermind with secondary, 138–141, 141t Romantic with secondary, 126–128, 129t with secondary Mastermind, 115–118, 118t with secondary Romantic, 111–114, 115t with secondary Warrior, 119–120, 120t Warrior with secondary, 152–153, 154t as wine’s acidity, 67–69 External locus of control, 16, 19–20 Extracting Me Worksheet, 20, 199–207 A Financial goals, 37 Formal operational stage, 33 A Gardner, Howard, 183 Goldsmith, Oliver, 123 A Happiness: and locus of control, 20 personal, 37 Romantic’s focus on others’, 73–74 of stakeholders, 26 Healthy, staying, 193–195 Hired Guns, 154–156, 156t Horizontal alignment, 25f, 26–30, 48 A Ibrahim, Farid F., on true love, 171 Ideology, 23–24 See also Core ideology Inputs, 24–26 and core ideology, 34–36 importance of understanding, 30 Interactive style(s), 55–56 See also Expert(s); Mastermind(s); Romantic(s); Warrior(s) creating balance between, 99–105 identifying your, 51–62 and stress, 59 Internal locus of control, 15, 16, 19–21, 36–37 A Johnson, Samuel, on wine, 13 Jung, Carl, 55 A Keats, John, 99 A Learning, lifelong, 185–189 Libraries, 3–4 Lifelong learning, 185–189 Live and Learn or Die Stupid (Mitchell), 16 Lives, evolution of our, 30 Locus of control, 13–21 and delusions, 15 external, 16, 19–20 finding your, 16–21 and happiness, 20 internal, 15, 16, 19–21 and stress, 17 Love Interests, 129–131, 131t Luther, Martin, on beer and wine, 89 A Marshall Field’s, 35–36, 108 Masse, Tanya, on wine, 79 Mastermind(s), 79–88, 135–147 and breaking the rules, 82–86 characteristics of, 80–81 Expert with secondary, 115–118, 118t Romantic with secondary, 128–131, 131t with secondary Expert, 138–141, 141t with secondary Romantic, 142–143, 143t with secondary Warrior, 143–146, 147t Warrior with secondary, 157–158, 159t as wine’s fruit, 86–88 MBTI, see Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Me, using metacognition to understand, 8–9 Men in Black (film), 193 Metacognition, 3–11 and cognitive schemas, 9–11 defined, as library, 3–4 reason for not engaging in, 5–7 reasons for engaging in, 8–9 self-awareness vs., 4–5 tenets of, 10 Mezzadria, 87 Minnesota Vikings, 138 Mission, 26–29 Multiple intelligences, 183 Myers, Isabel, 81 Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), 80–81, 91, 173 A Napoleon Bonaparte, on champagne, 31 Nietzsche, Friedrich, 105 Nuanced patterns, 60–61 A Obsessing, 16–17 Organizational development (O/D), 24 Organization Development and Change (Cummings and Worley), 24, 25 Outputs, 24–26 desired, 36–41 importance of understanding, 30 and internal locus of control, 36–37 in personal development, 37 A Paduraru, Nicolae, 174–179 Papillon (cow), 137–138 Personal happiness, 37 Personal struggles, 19 Perspectives, understanding different, 189–193 Physical health, 193–195 Piaget, Jean, 33, 37 Pliny the Elder, on wine, Power Brokers, 157–158, 159t The Power of Understanding People (Mitchell), 39–40, 51–52, 55, 63, 100, 197 The Power of Understanding People assessment, 52–62 common pattern in, 61 dynamic pattern in, 57–60 form, 53–54 nuanced pattern in, 60–61 range of numbers on, 56–57 ties in, 61–62 understanding your scores on, 63–64 Preston, Douglas, on wine, 107 Process, focus on, 65 Profitability, 25, 26, 37 Punching down your style, 99–105 example of, 161–169 Expert style influence, 107–111 Mastermind style influence, 135–138 Romantic style influence, 123–125 Warrior style influence, 149–152 A Quaternary preference (interactive style), 55 A Red (dog), xii–xiv Regulatory inputs, 25 Risk aversion, 65, 68 Romania, 174–179 Romantic(s), 71–77, 123–134 characteristics of, 72–73 Expert with secondary, 111–114, 115t focus of, on others’ happiness, 73–74 influence of childhood experiences on, 74–75 Mastermind with secondary, 142–143, 143t with secondary Expert, 126–128, 129t with secondary Mastermind, 128–131, 131t with secondary Warrior, 131–133, 134t Warrior with secondary, 154–156, 156t as wine’s sweetness, 76–77 Rosé wines, 76–77 Rubin, Marty, on drinking wine, 71 Rules, breaking the, 82–86 Rumi, on wine, 149 Russian Thistle, 109–110 A Sages, 152–153, 154t “Scoreboard,” as focus of Warrior, 91–92 Secondary preference (interactive style), 55 Security, 64, 65 Self-awareness: defined, metacognition vs., 4–5 Sensitivity, emotional, 75 Simplicity, 37 Social Reformers, 142–143, 143t Special, what makes you, 10–11 Specialists, 119–120, 120t Stakeholder satisfaction, 26, 37 Stew, life as a, 13–14, 18 Stoker, Bram, 176 Stolz, Bob, 28–29 Strat-O-Matic baseball, 39 Stress: chronic, 104 and interactive style, 59 and locus of control, 17 understanding our response to, 103–105 Struggles, personal, 19 Super Bowl commercials, 138–140 A Tertiary preference (interactive style), 55 Things-to-do lists, 17, 151 Thinking, dialectical, 189 Tuscany, 87–88 Typicity, 61 A Unhappiness, 40 United Airlines, 82–86 A Varietals, 87 Veraison: author’s experience with, 174–179 events stimulating, 173–174 identifying your, 180–181 in winemaking, 172 Vertical alignment, 25f, 47–48 Vision, 26–28 Vlad III (Dracula), 175 A Wally, Susan, 35–36, 142 Walt Disney World, 109 Warrior(s), 89–95, 149–159 characteristics of, 89–90 details ignored by, 92–94 Expert with secondary, 119–120, 120t Mastermind with secondary, 143–146, 147t Romantic with secondary, 131–133, 134t “scoreboard” as focus of, 91–92 with secondary Expert, 152–153, 154t with secondary Mastermind, 157–158, 159t with secondary Romantic, 154–156, 156t as wine’s tannin, 94–95 Well-being, 37 Welles, Orson, 197 White Zinfandel, 76 Winemaking, xi alignment in, 29–30 the crush in, 31–32 “new-” vs “old-world” approaches to, 51 veraison in, 172 Worley, Christopher, 24, 25 WILEY END USER LICENSE AGREEMENT Go to www.wiley.com/go/eula to access Wiley’s ebook EULA .. .THE POWER OF understanding YOURSELF THE KEY TO SELF- DISCOVERY, PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT, AND BEING THE BEST YOU DAVE MITCHELL Cover image: © bubaone/Getty... Names: Mitchell, Dave, 1961- author Title: The power of understanding yourself : the key to self- discovery, personal development, and being the best you / Dave Mitchell Description: Hoboken, New... the age of the vines, the aspect of the land, the precipitation, the sunshine, the temperature, and length of the growing season Over decades, these factors combine to determine the types of grapes