The lost art of the good schmooze~building rapport and defusing conflict in everyday and public talk 2011

The Lost Art of the Good Schmooze The Lost Art of the Good Schmooze Building Rapport and Defusing Conflict in Everyday and Public Talk DIANA BOXER Copyright 2011 by Diana Boxer All rights reserved No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review, without prior permission in writing from the publisher Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Boxer, Diana, 1948The lost art of the good schmooze: Building rapport and defusing conflict in everyday and public talk / Diana Boxer p cm Includes bibliographical references and index ISBN 978-0-313-38341-0 (hard copy : alk paper)—ISBN 978-0-313-38342-7 (ebook) Social interaction I Title HM1111.B68 2011 302.3Ј46—dc22 2010049790 ISBN: 978-0-313-38341-0 EISBN: 978-0-313-38342-7 15 14 13 12 11 This book is also available on the World Wide Web as an eBook Visit www.abc-clio.com for details Praeger An Imprint of ABC-CLIO, LLC ABC-CLIO, LLC 130 Cremona Drive, P.O Box 1911 Santa Barbara, California 93116-1911 This book is printed on acid-free paper Manufactured in the United States of America This book is dedicated to my father, Ben Boxer— master of the lost art of the good schmooze Contents Acknowledgments ix Introduction xi Chapter The Good Schmooze in Social Interaction Chapter Schmoozing in the Family 43 Chapter Schmoozing at Work in the Workplace 79 Chapter The Good Schmooze in Education 115 Chapter Schmoozing Cross-Culturally 147 Chapter Conclusion: The Lost Art 177 Glossary 191 Bibliography 193 Index 197 Acknowledgments Many people supported me in the writing of this book, and I wish to express my sincere gratitude to all of them My husband, Joseph Cook, put up with my long hours at the desk; moreover, he not only read and meticulously commented on parts of the manuscript, but he also urged me to take iced tea breaks, eat meals, and even get away for recreational activities He deserves my heartfelt thanks My dear friend Angel Kwolek-Folland not only gave me feedback on earlier drafts, but also fed me at her home time and again during the book’s preparation Thank you, Angel, for urging me to watch Gator football when I felt that I should have been writing My research assistant, Caroline Kennelly Latterman, proofread each chapter, told me what worked and what did not, and did a lot of tedious work on endnotes and the bibliography—all while preparing for her own wedding My lovely daughters, Marin Feldman Xavier and Brooke Feldman; their husbands, Ricardo Xavier and Scott Hinzman; and my wonderful stepsons, Alexander and Zachary Cook, gave me the family nurturing so needed during this project These grown children provided endless data on family schmoozing Finally, my thanks to my editor at Praeger, Valentina Tursini, who tolerated my frequent e-mail queries and still always provided positive and encouraging words Glossary Co-membership: Common membership in any group—ethnic, regional, racial, and so on Communicative competence: Knowing what is appropriate to say, with whom, and in what situation Cross-cultural pragmatics (CCP): Understanding (or misunderstanding) of each other’s norms of speaking For example, in one culture, it may be appropriate to ask how much money one makes, but not in another Understanding the differences in rules of speaking is a two-way endeavor in CCP Discourse analysis: The study of what people say and how they say it in order to ascertain how meaning comes across Domain: A sphere of life in which verbal and nonverbal interactions occur Examples: social, family, work, school, and religion Face-threatening act: A speech act that either (1) interferes with the positive self-image of an interlocutor, or (2) oversteps a boundary of privacy, for example, saying “move out of the way” instead of “excuse me.” Thus, face refers to the self-image that one wishes to project Gatekeeping: The context of being responsible for granting access, giving permission, or fulfilling a request or denying it The gatekeeper makes the decision (e.g., advisor) Interaction and transaction: Interaction is give-and-take talk among people who are simply chatting without real need for information Example: How was your vacation? B: The weather was great No real information is sought Transaction is an exchange of information Example: A: What time does the movie start? B: P.M 192 Glossary Interlocutors: Co-conversationalists Lingua franca: Language in common Phatic communion: Making personal connections through small talk Pragmatics: What is actually meant by what is said or written Example: It’s hot in here (may be an indirect request to open a window) Semantic derogation: Evolution from a positive to a negative meaning Example: Hussy—in older versions of the English language, it meant housewife It now means a woman of questionable sexual morality Speech act: A sociolinguistic term referring to such verbal phenomena as greetings, requests, refusals, compliments, apologies, praise, and so on Bibliography Albright, Madeline Read My Pins New York: Harper Collins, 2009 Bateson, Gregory Steps to an Ecology of Mind Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, 1987 Beebe, Leslie, Tomoko Takahashi, and Robin Uliss-Welz “Pragmatic Transfer in ESL Refusals.” In On the Development of Communicative Competence, eds Robin Scarcella, Elaine Anderson, and Stephen Krashen, 55–73 Rowley, MA: Newbury, 1985 Boxer, Diana Complaining and Commiserating: A Speech Act View of Solidarity in Spoken American English New York: Peter Lang, 1993 Boxer, Diana, and Andrea de Capua “Bragging, Boasting and Bravado: Male Banter in a Brokerage House.” Women and Language 22 (1999): 5–22 Boxer, Diana, and Andrea Tyler “A Cross-Linguistic View of Harassment: Chinese and Hispano-American ITAs.” In Gender and Belief Systems, eds Natasha Warner, Jocelyn Ahlers, Leela Bilmes, Monica Oliver, Suzanne Wertheim, and Melinda Chen, 85–97 Berkeley: University of California, 1996 Boxer, Diana, and Florencia Cortes-Conde “From Bonding to Biting: Conversational Joking and Identity Display.” Journal of Pragmatics 27 (1997): 275–294 Boxer, Diana, and Florencia Cortes-Conde “Humorous Self Disclosures as Resistance to Socially Imposed Gender Roles.” Gender and Language (2010) Brown, Penelope, and Stephen C Levinson Politeness: Some Universals in Language Use Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1978 Carey, Benedict “Video Project Holds up Mirror to Families.” Gainesville Sun, May 23, 2010 Coates, Jennifer Women Talk Oxford: Blackwell, 1996 194 Bibliography D’Amico-Reisner, Lynne “Avoiding Direct Conflict through the CoConstruction of Narratives about Absent Others: Gossip as a Positive Speech Activity in the Talk of Close Female Friends.” Paper presented at the American Association of Applied Linguistics conference, Stamford, Connecticut, March, 1999 Danziger, Jeff “CartoonArts International.” New York Times, May 16, 2010 Eisenstein, Miriam, and Jean Bodman “ ‘I Very Appreciate’: Expressions of Gratitude by Native and Non-Native Speakers of American English.” Applied Linguistics (1986): 167–185 Erickson, Frederick, and Jeffery Shultz The Counselor as Gatekeeper New York: Academic Press, 1982 Fraser, Bruce “Insulting Problems in a Second Language.” TESOL Quarterly 15 (1981): 435–441 Fuller, Thomas Gnomologia: Adagies and Proverbs; Wife Sayings, Ancient and Modern, Foreign and British London: B Barker, 1732 Freedman, J L., and Fraser, S C “Compliance without Pressure: The Foot in the Door Technique.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (1966): 195–202 Girard, Joe, and Robert Casemore How to Sell Yourself New York: Warner Books, 1988 Goffman, Erving The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life New York: Doubleday Dell Publishing Group, Inc., 1959 Goffman, Erving Interaction Ritual: Essays on Face-to-Face Behavior Garden City, NY: Doubleday, 1967 Goldschmidt, Myra “For the Favor of Asking.” Working Papers in Educational Linguistics (1993): 35–49 Goldsmith, Daena J “Content-Based Resources for Giving Face Sensitive Advice in Troubles Talk Episodes.” Research on Language and Social Interaction 32 (1999): 303–336 Goodwin, Marjorie H “Tactical Uses of Stories: Participation Frameworks within Boys’ and Girls’ Disputes.” In Gender and Conversational Interaction, ed Deborah Tannen, 110–143 New York: Oxford, 1993 Johnson, Rebekah “Discursive Practices in the Family Context: Negotiating Identity, Guilt and Acknowledgment in Family Discourse.” Paper presented at the American Association of Applied Linguistics conference, Atlanta, March 6, 2010 Lewis, Michael Liar’s Poker New York: Norton and Company, 1989 Malinowski, Bronislaw “The Problem of Meaning in Primitive Languages.” In The Meaning of Meanings, eds C le Ogden and I A Richards, 146– 152 London: Routledge and Kegan Paul, 1923 Maltz, Daniel N., and Ruth Borker “A Cultural Approach to Male/Female Miscommunication.” In Language and Social Identity, ed John J Gumperz, 195–217 New York: Cambridge University Press, 1983 Bibliography 195 Milroy, Leslie Language and Social Networks Oxford: Blackwell, 1980 Moyna, M Irene “‘Nosotros los Americanos’: Humorous Code-Switching and Borrowing as a Means to Defuse Culture Shock.” Unpublished manuscript, University of Florida, 1994 Nelms, Jodi “A Descriptive Analysis of the Functions and Uses of Sarcasm in Higher Education Classroom Discourse.” Unpublished PhD dissertation, University of Florida, 2001 Norrick, Neal Conversational Joking: Humor in Everyday Talk Bloomington: Indiana University Press, 1994 Organes, Rachel “ ‘If You Do That I’m Going to be Heartbroken’: The Language of Jewish American Guilting.” MA thesis, University of Florida, 2009 Rubin, Joan “How to Tell When Someone is Saying ‘No’ Revisited.” In Sociolinguistics and Language Acquisition, eds Nessa Wolfson and Elliot Judd, 10–17 Rowley, MA: Newbury, 1983 Tannen, Deborah You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation New York: William Morrow, 1990 Tannen, Deborah I Only Say This Because I Love You New York: Random House, 2002 Tyler, Andrea, and Diana Boxer “Sexual Harassment? Cross-Cultural/ Cross-Linguistic Perspectives.” Discourse and Society (1996): 107–133 Ueda, Keiko “Sixteen Ways to Avoid Saying ‘No’ in Japan In Intercultural Encounters with Japan, eds John Condon and Mitsuko Saito, 185–192 Tokyo: Simul Press, 1974 Wolfson, Nessa, Lynne D’Amico-Reisner, and Lisa Huber “How to Arrange for Social Commitments in American English: The Invitation.” In Sociolinguistics and Language Acquisition, eds Nessa Wolfson and Elliot Judd, 116–128 Rowley, MA: Newbury, 1983 Index Access Hollywood (television program), 45–47 Acquaintances, schmoozing with, 2–6 Advice: in family-based schmoozing, 57–60; through social schmoozing, 24–26 Advising session: changing the subject, 140; educational schmoozing and, 136–139; hedging and softening in, 140–141; “kudos to you” positive talk, 141; less successful encounters in, 143–144; “let’s figure it out” inclusiveness and, 139; resources for, 139–143; timing and, 142–143 Albright, Madeline, 79–80 Ali, Mohammed, 112 Allen, Fred, All Things Considered (radio program), xiii, 181 Annie Hall (film), 158–159 Apologies, social schmoozing and, 24 Appropriate schmoozing, 178–179 “Aren’t you adorable?” schmoozing, in service encounters, 104–105 Assisted Loving (Morris), 179 Austen, Jane, 52–53 Authority, nagging and, 71–77 Bad news: changing the subject, 140; workplace schmoozing and, 99–100 Bad schmoozing: educational schmoozing as, 118–119; in families, 45–50; for teachers, 133 “Barbara Ann” (song), 167 Beebe, Leslie, 17–18, 164 Bickering, family schmoozing and, 54–56 Biden, Joseph, 167–168 Blagojevich, Rod, 178 Bonding, through teasing, 35–37 Boxer, Ben, 175, 181–190 Bragging, schmoozing vs., 106–109, 111–112 Bush, George W., 151, 167–168 Carter, Ken, 129 Changing the subject, in advising sessions, 140 Chatting: in media, 82–90; in service encounters, 97–99; as workplace schmoozing, 80 Chatting up: hazards of, 85–86; in media, 82–90; in service encounters, 97–99; as workplace schmoozing, 80–82 198 Child, Julia, 81–82 Children, schmoozing with, 104–105 Chit-chat, cross-cultural educational schmoozing and, 168–171 Circularity of schmoozing, 1–6 Classroom discourse, educational schmoozing and, 117–118 Clinton, Hillary Rodham, 166 Coach Carter (film), 128–130 Coates, Jennifer, 28 Colbert, Steven, 89–90 The Colbert Report (television show), 89–90 Comedy talk shows, and workplace schmoozing, 89–90 Co-membership, in advising sessions, 137–139 Commiseration, in advising sessions, 141–142 Common ground, good schmoozing for teachers, 128–133 Communicative competence, social schmoozing and, 12–13 Competition, schmoozing and, xvii Complaints: advice as response to, 25–26; in family schmoozing, 45–47; gender issues in schmoozing and, 29–31; social schmoozing and, 13–14 Complimenting, social schmoozing as, 11–13 Conflict talk: gender issues in schmoozing and, 29–31; nagging as, 76–77; social schmoozing and, 18–23; workplace schmoozing and, 91–97 Confrontational discourse, schmoozing vs., xxii Conversation: educational schmoozing and, 128–133; social schmoozing through, 2–6, 40–41 Conversational joking: gender issues in, 39–40; as gossip or wit, 32–33; as social schmoozing, 31–41 Cosby Show (television), 64–65 Coworkers, schmoozing with, 91–97 Cross-cultural pragmatics (CCP), 154 Index Cross-cultural schmoozing, xxviii–xxx, 147–176; conversational joking and, 32–33; cultural values and miscommunication and, 150–151; educational schmoozing and, 122–127, 168–170; in family interactions, 154–161; family schmoozing in films, 157–159; guilting in family schmoozing, 60–63; language and, 149–150; outsourcing and, 151–154; in political interactions, 165–168; in public life, 159–161; sexual harassment and, 170–174; social schmoozing as, 162–165; in workplace, 80, 150–154 Culture: cross-cultural schmoozing and, 149–150; workplace schmoozing and issues in, 150–151 The Daily Show (television show), 89–90, 116 D’Amico-Reisner, Lynne, 28 Dangerous Minds (film), 128–130 Daniels, Dr Carrie, xxvi–xxviii De Capua, Andrea, 106–109 DeGeneres, Ellen, 8–10, 13–14, 34 Discourse analysis, xviii Domains, schmoozing and spheres of, xxii Dysfunctional talk, in family schmoozing, 43–44, 46–50 Educational schmoozing, 115–144; in advising session, 136–139; advisors’ resources, 139–143; cross-cultural interactions, xxviii–xxx, 168–171; good and bad schmoozing and, 118–119; less successful encounters in, 143–144; sarcasm in teaching, 133–136; sexual harassment vs cross-cultural schmoozing and, 170–174; teaching skills and, 119–127 Ellen DeGeneres Show (television program), Index Encouragement, in advising sessions, 141–142 “Enough of this schmoozing,” in workplace, 105–106 Entre mes Murs (The Class) (film), 170 Erickson, Frederick, 137–139 Escalante, Jaime, 130–132 Ethnic identity, family schmoozing and, 155–157 “The Etymology of Schmooze” (radio commentary), xiii Eviction, schmoozing and news of, 99–100 Facebook, 180 Face-threatening act: nagging and, 63–65; teasing as, 45 Failed schmoozing: in educational encounters, 143–144; unsolicited advice and, 59–60 Family-based schmoozing, xxiv–xxvi, 43–77; advice in, 57–60; crosscultural interactions, 154–161; double-edged swords, 50; ethnic and regional differences, 155–157; in films, cross-cultural issues in, 157–159; gender issues in, 50–54; guilting in, 60–63; moralizing in, 45–50; nagging in, 63–77; in public life, 159–161; teasing and whining in, 44–47, 50, 54–56, 57 Film: cross-cultural family schmoozing in, 157–159; educational schmoozing in, 128–133; schmoozing and politics in, 90–91 Flattery, schmoozing as, xiv–xvi FOX News, 160–161 Fraser, Bruce, 24 The Free Dictionary, xii Fresh Air (radio program), 178–179 Friendship, social schmoozing and, 1–6, 179–189 Frost, David, 90–91 Frost/Nixon (film), 90–91 199 The Gainesville Sun, 179 Gatekeeping interactions, educational schmoozing and, 136–140 Geeks, defined, 111–112 Gender issues in schmoozing, 26–27; conversational joking and, 39–40; nagging and, 71–76; teasing and, 50–54 “Getting to Know You” (song), 101–103 Getting-to-know you, workplace schmoozing, 101–103 Ginsburg, Ruth Bader, xi–xii Globalization, cross-cultural schmoozing, 148 Goffman, Erving, 11–13 Goldschmidt, Myra, 17 Good schmoozing: changing the subject and, 140; educational schmoozing as, 118–119; in families, 45–50; for teachers, 127–113 Gossip: conversational joking and, 32–33; social schmoozing and, 27–31 Graesch, Anthony P., 44 Greetings, social schmoozing and, 6–11 Guilting, in family schmoozing, 60–63 Health care workplace, schmoozing in, 97–99 Hedging, in advising sessions, 140–141 Hee Haw (television show), 119 Heifech, Claire, xi “Hey, How Are Ya Doin?” openers, social schmoozing and, 6–10 Hill, E D., 160 Hounding, nagging vs., 72–77 Houseman, John, 117 Humor: bragging vs schmoozing and, 106–109; cross-cultural schmoozing and, 147–148, 167–168; guilting and, 62–63; social schmoozing and, 31–41; in workplace schmoozing, 84–90 Humorous anecdotes, social schmoozing and, 34–35 Hussein, Saddam, 80 200 “iCollege,” educational schmoozing and, 116–118 Identity display: joking and joke-telling, 31–33; language and, xviii–xxii; social schmoozing and, 31–32 Immigrants, cross-cultural schmoozing and, 149–150 Inclusiveness, advisors’ resources, 139 Indian Americans, cross-cultural schmoozing and, 167–168 Interaction: educational schmoozing and, 117–118; in health care workplace schmoozing, 97–99; schmoozing and, xiv; social schmoozing and, 4–6 Interlocutors, conversation and, xxi–xxii International teaching assistants (ITAs): cross-cultural educational schmoozing and, 168–170; sexual harassment vs cross-cultural schmoozing and, 170–174 Internet, schmoozing and, 179–189 Invitations, social schmoozing and, 14–16 Iran, cross-cultural schmoozing and, 166–168 Jackson, Samuel, 128 Johnson, Rebekah, 61–63 Joking and joke-telling: as social schmoozing, 31–41; with strangers, 37–39 Julie and Julia (film), 31–32 Juno (film), 58–60 Kagan, Elena, xi–xii King, Lucy, 87 The King and I (musical), 101–103 Kroft, Steve, “Kudos to you,” positive talk in advising sessions, 141 Language: cross-cultural schmoozing and, 149–154; educational Index schmoozing and, 115–116; identity and, xviii–xxii; structure of, xvii–xviii Legally Blonde (film), 133 “Let’s figure it out,” advisors’ resources, 139 Letterman, David, 87, 90 Ling, Lucy, 87 Linguistics: cross-cultural schmoozing and, 151–154; defined, xvii–xviii Little Miss Sunshine (film), 47–48, 54–55 Lost art of schmoozing, xvii–xviii, 177–190 Maddow, Rachel, 160–161 Mad Men (television show), 113 Madoff, Bernie, 87 Malinowski, Branislov, 115–116 McCain, John, 167 Media: politics in television and film and schmoozing, 90–91; schmoozing in, xiii; workplace schmoozing in, 82–90 Meet the Parents (film), 159 Men’s schmoozing: bragging vs schmoozing and, 106–109; characteristics of, 27–31; conversational joking and, 39–40; nagging and, 71–76; sexual bravado and, 109–111; teasing and, 53–54 Miscommunication: cross-cultural schmoozing and, 150–151; sexual harassment vs cross-cultural schmoozing and, 170–174 Monetary compensation, workplace schmoozing and, 108–109 Moralizing: commiseration and encouragement, 142; in family schmoozing, 45–50 Morris, Bob, 178–179 Moyna, Irene, 32 Muslim culture, cross-cultural schmoozing and, 151, 166–168 My Big Fat Greek Wedding (film), 157–158 Index Nagging: effectiveness of, 68–71; in family-based schmoozing, 63–77; gender and, 71–76 National Public Radio (NPR), xiii Native language, educational schmoozing, 115–116 Nelms, Jodi, 133–136 Networking: educational schmoozing and, 122–127; schmoozing and, xv–xvii; workplace schmoozing and, 80 New York dialect, origins of schmoozing and, xi–xii New York Times, xi, 43–44 Nixon, Richard, 90–91, 166–168 Norrick, Neal, 31 Norris, Michele, xiii Obama, Barack, xx, 8–10, 13–14, 34, 44–47, 90, 160 Obama, Michelle, 90, 160, 168 Ochs, Elinor, 43–44 The Office (television show), 85–86 Olbermann, Keith, 160–161 Olmos, Edward James, 128 Outsourced (film), 151–154 Outsourcing, cross-cultural schmoozing and, 151–154 Palin, Sarah, 87–88 Paper Chase (film), 117, 132–133 Partings, social schmoozing, 6–10 Pawlenty, Tim, 116 Pei, I M., 32–33 Percy, Walker, 115–116 Personality, schmoozing and, xvii Pfeiffer, Michelle, 128 Phatic communion, 115–116 Politics: cross-cultural schmoozing in, 165–166; in television and film, schmoozing and, 90–91 Positive talk, in advising sessions, 141 Power: nagging and, 71–77; sexual harassment vs cross-cultural schmoozing and, 170–174 201 Pragmatics, xviii; cross-cultural, 154 Presentations, educational schmoozing and, 119–127 Pride and Prejudice (Austen), 52–53 Public life, family schmoozing in, 159–161 Read My Pins (Albright), 79–80 Refusals: in cross-cultural schmoozing, 163–165; through social schmoozing, 17–23 Regional differences, in family schmoozing, 155–157 Remedial exchanges, social schmoozing and, 24 “Rent-a-Friend” schmoozing, 179–189 Repetition, in nagging, 66–67 Requests, through social schmoozing, 16–17 Rubin, Joan, 164–165 Sales encounters: bragging vs schmoozing, 106–109; as workplace schmoozing, 100–106 Sarcasm: in educational schmoozing, 133–136; family schmoozing and, 54–56 Saved by the Bell: The College Years (television show), 118–119 Scalia, Antonin, xi–xii Schmoozing: appropriate situations for, 178–179; as art, xviii–xxii; bragging as, 106–109, 111–112; defined, xi–xii; in educational interactions, xxviii; in families, xxiv–xxvi, 43–77; on Internet, 179–189; lost art of, xxx–xxxi, 177–190; media use of, xiii; in social life, xxii–xxiv; texting and talking and, 180–189; in workplace, xxvi–xxviii Schultz, Jeffrey, 137–139 “See You Around” parting, social schmoozing and, 10–11 Self-denigrating humor, as social schmoozing, 33–34, 39–40 Self-serving schmooze, 179 202 Semantic derogation, xiii: chatting up and, 81–82; nagging as, 72 Service encounters: “aren’t you adorable?” schmoozing, 104–105; getting-to-know you schmoozing, 101–103; as workplace schmoozing, 97–99 Sexual bravado, workplace schmoozing, 109–111 Sexual harassment, cross-cultural schmoozing and, 170–174 Shyness, social schmoozing and, 2–6 60 Minutes (television program), Skype program, 116 Small talk: schmoozing as, xiv–xv; workplace schmoozing and, 80 Smart People (film), 54–56 Smiley, Tavis, xx Snowed In (Bartolomeo), 81–82 Social schmoozing, xxii–xxiv, 1–41; advice through, 24–26; complaint culture and, 13–14; complimenting and, 11–13; conflict talk and, 18–23; conversational joking and joke-telling and, 31; crosscultural schmoozing as, 162–165; friendship and, 1–6; gender issues in, 26–31; greetings as, 6–11; humorous anecdotes and, 34–35; invitations and, 14–16; refusals through, 17–23; remedial exchanges and, 24; requests, 16–17; self-denigrating humor, 33–34; teasing and, 35–39 Sociolinguistics: advice and, 24–26; educational schmoozing and, 117–118; gender issues in schmoozing and, 27–31; remedial exchanges and, 24 Softening, in advising sessions, 140–141 Solicited advice: in family-based schmoozing, 57–59; through social schmoozing, 25–26 Sotomayor, Sonia, xi–xii Stand and Deliver (film), 128, 130–132 Index Stereotypes: bad schmoozing and, 133; cross-cultural schmoozing and, 149–150 Stewart, Jon, 89–90, 116 Stiller, Ben, 159 Strangers: joking as schmoozing with, 37–39; schmoozing with, 2–6 Sucking up: educational schmoozing and, 122–127; schmoozing as, xiv–xvi, 178–190 Talk: in advising sessions, 137–139; lost art of, xvii–xviii, 177–190; schmoozing and, 180–189 Talk shows, workplace schmoozing on, 86–90 Tannen, Deborah, 71–72 Teaching: educational schmoozing and, 119–127; good schmoozing for, 127–133; sarcasm in, 133–136 Tea Party protests, 90 Teasing: bonding/biting aspects of, 35–39; in family schmoozing, 44–47, 50, 54–56; gender differences in, 50–54; guilting and, 62–63 Television: good and bad schmoozing and, 118–119; politics and schmoozing on, 90–91; workplace schmoozing and, 86–90 Territoriality, bragging vs schmoozing and, 108–109 Texting, schmoozing and, 180–189 Thompson, E E., 133 Timing, in advising sessions, 142–143 Tolstoy, Leo, 44 Transactions: in healthcare workplace schmoozing, 97–99; schmoozing and, xiv, 16–17 Two Weeks Notice (film), 82–84, 86 Tyler, Andrea, 170–174 Unsolicited advice: in family-based schmoozing, 57, 59–60; through social schmoozing, 25–26 The Urban Dictionary, xii Index Venting, advice as response to, 25–26 Verbal exchanges, schmoozing as, xvi–xvii Vietnam War, 166 The View (television show), 86–90 Whining, in family schmoozing, 45–47, 50, 56–57 Winfrey, Oprah, 87–88 Wit, conversational joking and, 32–33 Wolfson, Dr James, xxvi–xxviii Wolfson, Nessa, 14–16 Women’s schmoozing: characteristics of, 27–31; conversational joking and, 39–40; nagging and, 71–76; teasing, 50–54 Working the room, workplace schmoozing and, 112 203 Workplace schmoozing, xxvi–xxviii, 79–113; bad news and, 99–100; bragging vs., 106–109; comedy talk shows and, 89–90; with coworkers, 91–97; cross-cultural issues in, 150–154; “enough of this schmoozing” and, 105–106; getting-to-know you schmoozing, 101–103; in media, 82–90; politics in television and film and, 90–91; sales encounters, 100–106; service encounters as, 97–99; sexual bravado in, 109–111; talk shows and, 86–90 Yiddish, meaning of schmooze in, xii–xiv, 182–189 You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation (Tannen), 71–72 About the Author DIANA BOXER is professor of linguistics at the University of Florida She is the author of Applying Sociolinguistics: Domains and Faceto-Face Interaction (John Benjamins, 2002), Complaining and Commiserating: A Speech Act View of Solidarity in Spoken American English (Lang, 1993), and co-editor, with Andrew D Cohen, of Studying Speaking to Inform Second Language Learning (Multilingual Matters, 2004) She has published in the areas of discourse and pragmatics, sociolinguistics, gender and language, and second-language acquisition in such journals as The Annual Review of Applied Linguistics, Discourse and Society, ELT Journal, Gender and Language, Journal of Pragmatics, Multilingua, TESOL Quarterly, Text, and Women and Language .. .The Lost Art of the Good Schmooze The Lost Art of the Good Schmooze Building Rapport and Defusing Conflict in Everyday and Public Talk DIANA BOXER Copyright 2011 by Diana Boxer... born The dangers are great indeed THE LOST ART OF THE GOOD SCHMOOZE Recapturing the lost art of the good schmooze can benefit ordinary speakers in ordinary verbal interactions in all areas of life... aspects of life Given all of this, it seems worth recapturing the good schmooze in one’s worlds of verbal interactions THE LOST ART The study of the art of talk is derived from the field of linguistics