BTS Can anyone remember the moment they fall in love? Can anyone predict the moment their love will end? What could be the reason that humans don’t have the ability to recognize those moments? And why was I given the power to return all of those things? The car came to a sudden stop, the headlights flash, crashing, bouncing, falling. I did nothing but stand defenseless in the face of all of those moments. I heard no sound and felt no sensations. It was summer, but the wind seemed cold. There was the sound of something tumbling along the street. Then there was the scent of flowers. Only then did a sense of reality come to me. The bouquet of Smeraldo flowers fell from my hand. She was laying there in the middle of the street. There was blood flowing in between the strands of her hair. The dark red blood flowers along the street. I thought, “If only I could turn back time.”
the notes 花樣年華 花樣年華 The Notes and Music Video stills © BigHit Entertainment all other photos are courtesy of unsplash.com english translation of love yourself: tear notes + introduction by wisha (doyou_bangtan) design + layout + concept by sam (mnygigloss) the notes 花樣年華 01 INTRODUCTION 02 NOTES ORGANIZED BY DATE 28 NOTES ORGANIZED BY MEMBER + DATE 29 SEOKJIN 32 YOONGI 35 HOSEOK 38 NAMJOON 41 JIMIN 44 TAEHYUNG 47 JUNGKOOK INTRODUCTION BTS have been winding through an epic narrative of youth since the era of Hwayang Yeonhwa (HYYH, 花樣年華, or The Most Beautiful Moment In Life) Their use of various mediums has been highly lauded; not only can the themes be traced through their music, “it has been given a plot line through selected music videos, Wings short films, Love Yourself posters and highlight reels, and the HYYH notes The latter are a series of diary entries bound in a small book slipped into the albums Love Yourself ‘Her’ and now in ‘Tear’ The notes are a series of diary entries bound in a small book slipped into the Love Yourself albums These not travel in a consecutive order, but jump around to different crucial moments in the plot that echo scenes we have seen and heard in other ways There were 21 notes in total for ‘Tear’, with each of the four versions (Y, O, U, R) holding 14 each, two for each member The use of the members’ real names in these notes further blur the lines between what is real and what is not; their solo songs in the WINGS album did the same While it must be emphasised that these characters are personas that the boys have adopted to portray this narrative within the ‘Bangtan Universe,’ you will notice that some traits are based in the members themselves An example of this is Taehyung’s boxy smile Some of the later diary entries introduce another character, unnamed but evidently important Hoseok and Taehyung call them ‘that kid’; while I have translated it quite literally, it can also be considered as an affectionate way to say ‘that punk.’ In these entries, the character is also given a gender-neutral term in the Korean Because the gender-neutral term is clunky, and it can be assumed that they are the girls of the Highlight Reels, I have used my discretion to translate them in the feminine third person For Jimin, Namjoon, and Seokjin’s diary entries, the new character is obviously female and is written as such Other terms to watch out for are ‘hyung’, a Korean designation used by a male to an older male whom he has a close relationship with; ‘noona’, by a male to an older female; ‘dongsaeng’, by either gender for someone younger THE NOTES / hoseok 호석 23 JULY / YEAR 10 As I counted to four, I began to hear the hallucinatory laughter That next moment, my childhood self held someone’s hand and swept past me I turned around quickly, but it was my classmates that stared back “Hoseok?” The teacher called my name Only then did I realise where I was It was maths class I was in the process of counting the fruits drawn in my textbook Five, six I started counting again, but as the number kept increasing, my voice shook and my hands began to sweat I kept remembering back to that time I could not remember well the face of my mother I had seen that day I can only remember her passing a chocolate bar to me as we saw the attractions of the amusement park “Hoseok, count to ten starting from now, and only then should you open your eyes.” Once I counted and opened my eyes, my mother was not there I waited and waited but she did not return Nine was the last number I counted to I only had to count one more, but my voice would not come out My ears started ringing and my eyesight became hazy The teacher motioned for me to keep going My friends watched me I could not remember my mother’s face well If I really did count one more, my mother would never come look for me And just like that, I collapsed on the floor THE NOTES / jimin 지민 APRIL / YEAR 11 I walked out the entrance of the arboretum alone The weather was cloudy and so it was a bit cold but I felt good Though it was picnic day, my parents were still busy So in the beginning I was a bit sad But in the flower drawing competition, I received a compliment, and my friends’ mums said that I was dependable And so from then I thought I was a bit cool “Jimin, wait here Teacher will come soon.” After the picnic, as we were to leave the arboretum, the teacher warned me but I did not wait I was confident I could it alone I grabbed onto the straps of my backpack tightly with both hands and walked purposefully It felt like everyone was staring at me so I straightened my shoulders more This was a long time after the rain had started falling My friends and their mums had already gone, there was nobody to look after me, and my legs hurt I used my backpack to cover my head and I crouched down under a tree The rain fell harder and there were no people that walked past In the end, I ended up running through the rain I could not see a house or shop The place I arrived at was the back entrance of the arboretum The side gate was open, and I could see something like a storage space within it THE NOTES / yoongi 윤기 19 SEPTEMBER / YEAR 16 The red flames spiralled high The house that I lived in until this morning was in a blaze Those who recognised me raced towards me screaming The neighbours made frantic steps There was no access and so the fire engine could not enter, they said I stopped in my tracks The end of summer The beginning of autumn The sky was blue and the air was dry What I was supposed to think, what I was supposed to feel, what I was supposed – I didn’t know any of these things And then, the thought: ‘Oh, mum.’ That next moment, with a crash, the house became rubble The house was taken by the blaze – no, the house, ceiling, pillars, walls, the room I had lived in had all become the blaze itself, and like a house built of sand, it collapsed I watched it, struck dumb Someone pushed me aside to hurry forward They said the fire engine had entered Another grabbed hold of me and spurred me to answer That person stared me into the eyes and screamed something at me, but I couldn’t hear anything “Is someone inside?” I watched that person dumbly “Is your mum inside?” The person grabbed hold of my shoulders and shook me I don’t know how I answered “No Nobody’s inside.” “What you mean?” A mother from the neighbourhood asked “What about your mum? Where did your mum go?” “Nobody’s inside.” The words I uttered, I didn’t know of them Someone pushed me aside and hurried forward— THE NOTES / yoongi 윤기 12 JUNE / YEAR 19 Though we had blindly skipped school and left the premises, there was nowhere to go The day was hot, there was no money, and there was nothing to It was Namjoon who said we should go to the sea The younger boys looked excited, but I was ambivalent “Do you have money?” At my words, Namjoon made everyone empty their pockets A couple of coins, a couple of notes Didn’t look like we could go It was probably Taehyung that said we could just walk there Namjoon’s expression was begging us to think as the rest chattered uselessly about things, laughing, and pretending to roll around on the ground as they walked I didn’t feel like responding so I just lagged behind The sun was scorching Because it was the middle of the day, even the lampposts did not create any shade, and on an unfurbished road, cars kicked up dirt as they passed by “Let’s go there.” This time too, it was Taehyung Or Hoseok I was uninterested so I didn’t look closely, but it was one of the two Drooping my neck and hitting the floor as I walked, I crashed into someone and almost fell over, at which point I had to lift up my head Jimin stood there, straight As if he had seen something very scary, his facial muscles were trembling “Are you okay?” I asked, but he did not seem able to hear me Where Jimin was looking, there was a sign that said the arboretum was 2.2km away “I don’t want to walk.” I could hear Jungkook speak From Jimin’s face, sweat dripped down He looked as if he would simply collapse, his face terrified What was this? I felt strange “Park Jimin!” I called for him, but just as I thought, he was unable to move an inch Lifting my head, I looked again at the sign “Hey, the weather’s hot, what would you go to the arboretum for? Let’s just go to the sea.” I spoke as if apathetic I did not know what the arboretum was, but it felt like we should not go I did not know the reason but Jimin was acting strange “I said we’re out of money.” At my words, Hoseok replied “Let’s just walk, as I said.” Taehyung had heard “If we just walk to the station, I think it’d work out.” Namjoon spoke “But in return, we’ll skip dinner.” Jungkook and Taehyung made a crying sound as Seokjin hyung laughed Jimin only started moving again when everyone angled their way to the train station Drooping his head and bringing in his shoulders as he walked, Jimin looked like a very small child I looked up again at the sign The arboretum The letters were getting further away again THE NOTES / THE NOTES / taehyung 태형 20 MARCH / YEAR 20 I slid down the corridor, to the point you could hear the thwack thwack sound on the floor And then I stopped I could see Namjoon hyung standing in front of ‘our classroom’ Our classroom Though nobody else knew, I called that place our classroom Me, my hyungs, and Jungkook, the classroom for us seven I approached silently I was thinking of surprising him “Principal!” As I took my fifth footstep or so, a hurried voice could be heard through the classroom window left ajar It seemed like Seokjin Was it that Seokjin was speaking to the principal? In our classroom? Why? Then I could hear Yoongi’s name and mine, and Namjoon sucking in a breath as if surprised As if he could hear my noiseless footsteps, Seokjin threw open the door I could not see Namjoon’s expression I hid and watched them As Seokjin opened his mouth, as if to deny something, Namjoon held up his hand and spoke “It’s okay.” Seokjin made an expression as if confused “There must have been a reason for you to so.” With those words, Namjoon swept past Seokjin into the classroom I could not believe it Seokjin had told the principal what Yoongi and I had done for the past few days He had explained everything: that we had skipped class, jumped over the barrier, and had fought with some kids But Namjoon said it was okay “What are you doing here?” Turning around in surprise, I realised it was Hoseok and Jimin Hoseok pretended to be even more surprised than myself as he his arm around my shoulder I was dragged into the classroom by Hoseok Namjoon and Seokjin were speaking to each other before looking back to see us Seokjin awkwardly stood up before saying an emergency had arisen, then left I studied Namjoon’s expression He who had been watching Seokjin’s back as he left looked at us with a smile as if nothing had occurred In that moment, I had this thought: there must be a reason Namjoon is acting like that He knows much more than me, is much smarter than me, and is much more of an adult than me And this is our classroom I pasted a square smile on my face – the one everyone laughed at me for, saying I looked like an idiot – and walked into the classroom I decided not to tell anyone that I had heard that conversation THE NOTES / 23 JULY / YEAR 10 As I counted to four, I began to hear the hallucinatory laughter That next moment, my childhood self held someone’s hand and swept past me I turned around quickly, but it was my classmates that stared back “Hoseok?” The teacher called my name Only then did I realise where I was It was maths class I was in the process of counting the fruits drawn in my textbook Five, six I started counting again, but as the number kept increasing, my voice shook and my hands began to sweat I kept remembering back to that time I could not remember well the face of my mother I had seen that day I can only remember her passing a chocolate bar to me as we saw the attractions of the amusement park “Hoseok, count to ten starting from now, and only then should you open your eyes.” Once I counted and opened my eyes, my mother was not there I waited and waited but she did not return Nine was the last number I counted to I only had to count one more, but my voice would not come out My ears started ringing and my eyesight became hazy The teacher motioned for me to keep going My friends watched me I could not remember my mother’s face well If I really did count one more, my mother would never come look for me And just like that, I collapsed on the floor 20 MAY / YEAR 22 Taking Taehyung, we left the police station “You did well.” Lowering my head, I spoke with spirit, though I didn’t really feel that way From the police station, it wasn’t too far to Taehyung’s house If he lived much further away, would there have been less reason for Taehyung to enter the police station so often? Why did Taehyung’s parents decide to live so close to a police station? To such a boy who was so kind to the point of idiocy, the world was too unfair I put an arm around his shoulder and asked “Are you hungry?” pretending nothing was wrong Taehyung shook his head I asked him “Did the hyungs at the police station say it was good to see you and buy you food?” but Taehyung did not give any answer Into the sunshine, the two of us walked Within my heart, a cold wind blew If even my heart was like this, how would he be feeling? Would he have any of his heart left? How much pain would be in his heart? Because I was thinking such things, I could not look him in the face, and instead turned up to the sky Through the faint sunshine, a plane was passing by The first time I saw the scars on Taehyung’s back, it was when I had met him in Namjoon’s container hideout Though nobody could speak because he had smiled so cutely at his excitement in receiving a shirt, a part of my heart had broken THE NOTES - HOSEOK / 36 I had no parents I had no recollection of my father, and my mum too, I only knew until the age of seven If we were speaking about the pain received by parents in one’s childhood, I myself had received enough People say this: that you have to overcome your pain, that you have to accept it and get used to it That you have to reconcile and forgive them That it’s the only way to live It’s not that I don’t know It’s not that I reject it out of hatred But some things can’t be done just by trying Nobody told me how Before I became hardened enough for this world, it gave me new wounds I know that there are no people with no wounds by the world But why is it necessary to have such deep wounds? For what reason is it necessary? Why we have to live such a life? “Hyung It’s okay I can go alone.” He spoke at the crossroads “I know, kid.” Without concern, I took the lead “It’s truly okay Look I’m fine.” Taehyung smiled at me I did not respond There was no way he could be okay He was not fine, but once he acknowledged that, it would be hard to go on So he was ignoring it It had become his habit Taehyung flipped over his hooded t-shirt and came to follow me “You’re really not hungry, right?” I asked him as we reached the corridor of his home Taehyung gave a dumb smile and nodded his head I watched him walk through the corridor with his back turned, and then turned myself The corridor that the kid was walking through, the street I was returning by – they were both narrow and desolate That kid, and myself, both alone I was just about to turn around when the phone rang JULY / YEAR 22 While they were applying emergency assistance, I came into the corridor Though it was night, quite a few people were still there, pacing There was water dripping from my hair, drenched in rain and sweat As I was shaking my hair, I dropped the kid’s bag Random things fell out Coins rolled away, as pens and towels scattered too And in the midst of it, there was an airplane e-ticket Taking hold of it, I scanned the information Then, the doctor called for me He said I did not have to worry for it was a light concussion, and after a moment, the kid came out “You okay?” She said her head hurt a little as she took her bag to carry it With that movement, she saw the e-ticket peeping out, and turned to look at my face I switched shoulders to carry the bag and pretending nothing was wrong, I pressed on As we came to the entrance, the rain continued to fall We stood side by side at the door “Hoseok.” The kid called out to me She had the expression of someone who had something to say “Wait a moment I’ll buy an umbrella.” I just ran into the rain without a thought There was a corner store over there I had known that recently, that kid had auditioned for an international dance team That she had ordered a plane ticket would mean that they had been accepted I did not want to hear what she had to say I did not have the confidence to congratulate her THE NOTES - HOSEOK / 37 namjoon 남준 THE NOTES - NAMJOON / 38 17 DECEMBER / YEAR 21 Those waiting for the first bus rubbed their heads together in the cold breeze I grabbed tightly onto the straps of my bag and looked down at the dirt floor I tried not to look anyone in the eye A country town where the bus stopped only twice a day I saw the first bus come from far away I followed the other people into the bus I did not look back When one is desperate for something, when one barely is able to place it in their palms, when all you have to is escape, such a condition arises: to not turn back If I turned back, all my effort until now would become foam To turn back – that was suspicion, and yearning, and fear I had to win that to escape The bus departed It was not that I had had plans It was not that I had been desperate, or was able to place it in my palms and escape It was closer to just deciding to run away Mum’s tired face My troubled younger sibling My dad’s sickness From the family situation that was getting harder by the day From a family that emphasised sacrifice and peace; from one who pretended to know nothing and tried so hard to get used to it – myself And most of all, from poverty If you ask if poverty is a sin, nobody would say it is But is that really so? Poverty gnaws at so many things Things that were precious become meaningless The things that one can’t give up on, you end up giving up You become suspicious, scared, and resigned Now in a couple of hours, the bus will arrive at a familiar stop As I left that place a year ago, I had not said any farewells And now without any hint, any notice – I am going back to that place I brought my friends’ faces up in my mind again I had lost contact with all of them What would they all be doing? Would they be happy to see me? Would we be able to come together and laugh like old times? The great amount of frost on the window made it difficult to see the landscape outside And on top, I moved my finger ‘I need to survive.’ 22 MAY / YEAR 22 “We’re only a year apart No, apparently someone said so I’m the hyung, of course I know But they can’t be a young kid forever Isn’t it time that they deal with it alone? Fine I said it’s fine No, I’m not getting angry I apologise.” Hanging up the phone, I looked down at the floor The lukewarm sea breeze shook the pine forest as it passed by I felt like my heart was going to burst On the ground, half dirt rather than sand, ants lined up to head in some direction If someone had the ability to understand me, both in the material and symbolic sense, would they be able to see where I was going – and why? It’s not that I didn’t love my parents It’s not that I wasn’t worried for my younger sibling If I could, I’d ignore them, but because I can’t be anything other than myself, I definitely couldn’t THE NOTES - NAMJOON / 39 that So if that’s the case, what was the point in struggling like this anyway – getting angry, frustrated, and wanting to leave? I saw the back of someone in the distance, standing as if holding a grudge, much like myself It was Jungkook There was a time Jungkook had said this: “I want to become an adult like you, hyung.” Back then, I could not respond That I’m not such a good adult – no, that I’m not even an adult Back then, it felt like that would be too cruel to say I had to acknowledge his trust and interest somewhat; I could not tell such a young friend who had not received affection that just because one grows older, taller, and lives a bit more, it did not mean they became an adult I had wished that Jungkook’s future would be a bit kinder than mine, but I wasn’t able to promise that I would help his growth Approaching him, I put my arm around his shoulder Jungkook raised his eyes and looked at me 13 JULY / YEAR 22 I leant my head on the bus window From the library to the petrol station The road I travel daily, the boringly normal landscape sped past the window Would there be a day I would escape this landscape It seemed impossible to judge what tomorrow would bring, or to wish for something Ahead of me, I could see a girl with a yellow hair tie sitting there As if she was sighing, her shoulders lifted up before dropping And then she put her head on the window For a month already, we had studied at the same library and gotten on the bus at the same stop Though we had not said a word to each other, we were looking at the same landscape, living through the same time, and sighing the same sigh The hair tie was still in my pants pocket The girl always got off three stops before me Whenever she stepped off, I wondered if she would be going to hand out flyers again What sort of day would she have to have, what sort of work would she have to How much frustration would she feel, for a tomorrow that felt like it would not come; like a thing like tomorrow did not exist in the first place I thought of such things The stop that she had to get off was reaching closer Someone pressed the bell, and passengers stood from their seats But the girl wasn’t one of them Just leaning her head on the window sill, she kept seated It seemed as if she was asleep Should I wake her? I was momentarily conflicted The bus was reaching the stop The girl continued to be unmoving People got off The doors shut, and the bus departed The girl did not wake between the next three stops As I approached the bus exit, I was conflicted once more I was sure that nobody else would care for her, after I left The girl would wake far from where she needed to be, and her day was bound to become much more tiring as a result of it Leaving the bus stop, I started to walk towards the petrol station The bus left and I did not look back On top of her bag, I put her hair tie down, but that was all That was not the beginning, or even the end It was nothing from the very beginning, and there was no reason for there to be anything So I really thought it was indeed nothing THE NOTES - NAMJOON / 40 jimin 지민 THE NOTES - JIMIN / 41 APRIL / YEAR 11 I walked out the entrance of the arboretum alone The weather was cloudy and so it was a bit cold but I felt good Though it was picnic day, my parents were still busy So in the beginning I was a bit sad But in the flower drawing competition, I received a compliment, and my friends’ mums said that I was dependable And so from then I thought I was a bit cool “Jimin, wait here Teacher will come soon.” After the picnic, as we were to leave the arboretum, the teacher warned me but I did not wait I was confident I could it alone I grabbed onto the straps of my backpack tightly with both hands and walked purposefully It felt like everyone was staring at me so I straightened my shoulders more This was a long time after the rain had started falling My friends and their mums had already gone, there was nobody to look after me, and my legs hurt I used my backpack to cover my head and I crouched down under a tree The rain fell harder and there were no people that walked past In the end, I ended up running through the rain I could not see a house or shop The place I arrived at was the back entrance of the arboretum The side gate was open, and I could see something like a storage space within it 19 MAY / YEAR 22 In the end, I had to go to the arboretum I had to give up on the lies – that I did not remember what had happened there Hiding out in the hospital, having seizures – I had to stop all these things And to that, I had to go to that place With that decided in my heart, I had come to this bus stop for days on end But I had not been able to ride the shuttle bus to the arboretum Yoongi dropped down onto the seat next to me after three buses had already come and gone When I asked why he’d come, he said it was because he had nothing to and was bored And with that, he asked why I was sitting here like this With a bowed head, I hit the ground with the edge of shoe I thought about why I was sitting here like this It was because I had no courage I wanted to pretend I was okay now, pretend to know something now, pretend that I was able to easily deal with such things now – but I was actually afraid What I’d run into, whether I’d be able to bear it, if I wouldn’t have a seizure again – I was afraid of all these things Yoongi looked at ease As if there was nothing in the world deserving to be rushed, he said that the weather was good, and other useless things Only once I heard this did I realise that the weather really was good today I had been so anxious that I had not been able to survey my surroundings The sky was so blue A warm breeze blew intermittently And the shuttle bus to the arboretum was coming The bus stopped and the door opened The driver looked at me I impulsively asked “Hyung Can you come with me?” THE NOTES - JIMIN / 42 JULY / YEAR 22 When I came to my senses, I was washing my arm as if to scrape the skin off My hands were shaking and my breath was unsteady Blood ran down my arm The eyes in the mirror were bloodshot The events that just occurred came back to me in fragments In a split second, my concentration shattered I was paired with a noona from my dance club for this dance, but our movements became tangled and we bumped into each other I fell to the rough ground and my arm started to bleed At that moment, the events that had occurred at the flowering arboretum came back to me It was something I thought I had overcome But it was not so I had to run away I had to cleanse myself I had to hide The person in the mirror would always be the eight year old child who ran through the rain And then, it came to me Noona, too, had fallen Nobody was there in the practice room Past the door left ajar, the rain was pouring in violently I could see Hoseok running He was getting drenched I ran to him with an umbrella I finally stopped in my tracks There was nothing I could All I could was fall and get someone hurt, and then get scared by being hurt myself and forgetting them, and then running back too late and stopping I walked the other way Every time I took a step, raindrops splashed on my sneakers Headlights of a car spun past It was not okay No, it was okay It did not hurt This wasn’t even a wound I really was okay THE NOTES - JIMIN / 43 taehyung 태형 THE NOTES - TAEHYUNG / 44 20 MARCH / YEAR 20 I slid down the corridor, to the point you could hear the thwack thwack sound on the floor And then I stopped I could see Namjoon hyung standing in front of ‘our classroom’ Our classroom Though nobody else knew, I called that place our classroom Me, my hyungs, and Jungkook, the classroom for us seven I approached silently I was thinking of surprising him “Principal!” As I took my fifth footstep or so, a hurried voice could be heard through the classroom window left ajar It seemed like Seokjin Was it that Seokjin was speaking to the principal? In our classroom? Why? Then I could hear Yoongi’s name and mine, and Namjoon sucking in a breath as if surprised As if he could hear my noiseless footsteps, Seokjin threw open the door I could not see Namjoon’s expression I hid and watched them As Seokjin opened his mouth, as if to deny something, Namjoon held up his hand and spoke “It’s okay.” Seokjin made an expression as if confused “There must have been a reason for you to so.” With those words, Namjoon swept past Seokjin into the classroom I could not believe it Seokjin had told the principal what Yoongi and I had done for the past few days He had explained everything: that we had skipped class, jumped over the barrier, and had fought with some kids But Namjoon said it was okay “What are you doing here?” Turning around in surprise, I realised it was Hoseok and Jimin Hoseok pretended to be even more surprised than myself as he his arm around my shoulder I was dragged into the classroom by Hoseok Namjoon and Seokjin were speaking to each other before looking back to see us Seokjin awkwardly stood up before saying an emergency had arisen, then left I studied Namjoon’s expression He who had been watching Seokjin’s back as he left looked at us with a smile as if nothing had occurred In that moment, I had this thought: there must be a reason Namjoon is acting like that He knows much more than me, is much smarter than me, and is much more of an adult than me And this is our classroom I pasted a square smile on my face – the one everyone laughed at me for, saying I looked like an idiot – and walked into the classroom I decided not to tell anyone that I had heard that conversation 20 MARCH / YEAR 22 I looked down at my hands There was blood on them My legs suddenly lost their strength I was going to crouch down but someone hugged me from behind Through the windows, a misty sunlight was filtering through Noona was crying and Hoseok was standing there without speaking Dirty household goods and blankets were, like always, spread around Where my father had stood, nobody was there How he had fled the room, I could not remember The uncontainable anger and sadness that I felt as I rushed towards my father still remained I did not know what it was that had allowed me to control myself as I charged to stab my father I also did not know how to calm my turbulent heart It wasn’t that I wanted to kill my father – I wanted to THE NOTES - TAEHYUNG / 45 kill myself If I was just able to it, I wanted to die right now I didn’t even have tears I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to kick and break everything, I wanted to break, but I couldn’t any of those things “Hyung I’m sorry I’m okay so Go.” In contrast to my turbulent heart, my voice was came out dry It did not seem like my voice I sent him away, though he was loathe to leave, and I looked down at my hands Blood was seeping through the white bandage Instead of stabbing my father, I had hit the floor with the liquor bottle As the bottle shattered, my palm had ripped As I closed my eyes, the world spinned What I was supposed to think, what I was supposed to do, how I was supposed to live As I came to my senses, I was looking down at Namjoon’s phone number Even in such a situation – no, more so because it was such a situation, I was desperate for his presence I wanted to tell him Hyung I – my father, the father that bore me, the father that beat me up daily – I was about to kill him I was seriously about to kill him No, in actual fact, I killed him I killed him countless times In my heart, I killed him repeatedly I wanted to kill him I want to die What I have to now, I don’t know at all Hyung I just want to see you now 17 JULY / YEAR 22 I thought my side was going to rip apart in pain My sweat dripped The hiding place in the railway, the empty lot behind the corner store, underneath the overpass, the kid was not to be found I ran even to the bus stop but here too, she was unable to be seen Those waiting for the bus stared at me strangely What had happened? We hadn’t promised to meet, but it was still strange The kid always turned up somewhere, and followed me wherever I went Even if I said she was annoying, it was useless But in any of the places we’d been together, the kid could not be found Having arrived at a familiar wall, I stopped my footsteps It was graffiti we had done together It was also the first artwork she had completed On top of it, a huge X sign had been drawn It was that kid I hadn’t even seen her, but I still knew How? There was no answer, per se But on the wall, there were many images superimposed on each other The way she had laughed on the day I lay on the railway and hurt my head The way she had helped me rise after I fell trying to help; her expression when she had been mad that I stole her bread to eat it The way her expression would dim when we passed a family portrait store The way her eyes would unknowingly trail after passing students As we sprayed this wall, I had said this: “If something’s hard, don’t just suffer alone, and tell me.” The X was drawn over all our memories It felt like they were saying all of those things were fake It felt like they were saying everything was a lie Without knowing, I curled my hand into a fist Why? There was no answer, of course I turned and walked away I was alone again That kid, and myself, both alone THE NOTES - TAEHYUNG / 46 jungkook 정국 THE NOTES - JUNGKOOK / 47 30 SEPTEMBER / YEAR 20 “Jeon Jungkook, you’re not still going there are you?” I did not respond in any way I stood, only looking at my shoelaces As I did not answer, I was hit over the head with the attendance sheet But I still did not open my mouth It was the classroom I had been in together with my hyungs From the day I discovered the classroom after following them around, there has not been a day that I have not entered it Even they would not know this There were times they didn’t come, saying they had another activity or were busy with part time work Yoongi and Jin would sometimes not show themselves for days on end But it was not so for me I went to the classroom every day without fail There were days when not a single person came But it was still fine The fact that this place existed meant that if not today, tomorrow – if not tomorrow, the day after – the hyungs would come – so it was okay “Because you out together, all you did was learn bad stuff.” I was hit once more I raised my eyes and stared the teacher down I was hit again I remembered Yoongi getting hit I grit my teeth and bore it I did not want to say the lie that I had not been to the classroom Now, I stood in front of the classroom once again I felt that if I opened the door, the hyungs would be inside That they’d be gathered playing a game, turn to look at me, and ask why I was so late It seemed like Seokjin and Namjoon would be reading, Taehyung gaming, Yoongi playing the piano, Hoseok and Jimin dancing But as I opened the door, all I saw was Hoseok He was packing away our remaining items in the classroom I clutched the door handle, just standing there He came over to me and wrapped his arm around my shoulder He took me outside “Let’s go, now.” Behind our backs, the classroom door shut I realised it then Those days were gone, and they would not come again MAY / YEAR 22 I lifted my head to see Namjoon in front of the container He opened the door and stepped inside He gathered all the garments scattered around the floor as a blanket, and huddled there The chill came My whole body shook badly and I felt like I wanted to cry But I couldn’t even that When I opened the door and entered, Yoongi was standing on top of the bed The train of the sheet was blazing on fire In that moment, an anger and fear that I could not contain enveloped me whole I was not someone who could speak well Expressing my feelings, persuading another – I was awkward at both As tears gathered and I began to cough, it became even harder to speak The only words I could spit out as I ran into the blaze was “We said we’d all go to the sea together.” THE NOTES - JUNGKOOK / 48 “Why are you like this? Did you have a nightmare or something?” Due to someone shaking my shoulder, I opened my eyes It was Namjoon Strangely enough, a feeling of security fell upon me He lay his hand on me and said I had a fever It really felt like I did The inside of mouth felt like it was boiling, but it was intensely cold otherwise I had a splitting headache and my throat hurt I could barely have the medicine hyung gave me “Sleep more Let’s talk later.” I nodded my head And then I spoke “Will I be able to become an adult like you?” Namjoon hyung turned to look at me 26 JULY / YEAR 22 In the hospital flower bed, I secretly snapped a flower Because I was continuously on the verge of laughter, I dropped my head The midsummer sunlight was blinding I knocked on the room of the hospital door but there was no response I knocked once more and then opened the door a fraction Inside the room, it was for some reason, chilly And there was nobody there There was only a quiet darkness that draped over the room I left the hospital room In my boredom and frustration, I pushed the wheelchair, cutting through the corridors speedily, when I met the kid Because I came so suddenly, I barely stopped by a girl who tied her hair in one As we left the hospital, I saw a bench I remembered that at one point, we had sat down and listened to music while drawing And up there on that rooftop, we had shared strawberry milk too While in the hands there had always been wildflowers, now there was nobody to give it to THE NOTES - JUNGKOOK / 49 the notes 花樣年華 ... were getting further away again THE NOTES / THE NOTES / taehyung 태형 20 MARCH / YEAR 20 I slid down the corridor, to the point you could hear the thwack thwack sound on the floor And then I stopped... any of these things And then, the thought: ‘Oh, mum.’ That next moment, with a crash, the house became rubble The house was taken by the blaze – no, the house, ceiling, pillars, walls, the room... use of the members’ real names in these notes further blur the lines between what is real and what is not; their solo songs in the WINGS album did the same While it must be emphasised that these