John wiley sons no regrets a ten step program for living in the present and leaving the past behind

NO REGRETS NO REGRETS A Ten-Step Program for Living in the Present and Leaving the Past Behind O H A M I L T O N B E A Z L E Y, P H D John Wiley & Sons, Inc Copyright © 2004 by Hamilton Beazley All rights reserved Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey Published simultaneously in Canada No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, (978) 750-8400, fax (978) 6468600, or on the web at www.copyright.com Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, (201) 748-6011, fax (201) 748-6008 Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and the author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation You should consult with a professional where appropriate Neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages For general information about our other products and services, please contact our Customer Care Department within the United States at (800) 762-2974, outside the United States at (317) 572-3993 or fax (317) 572-4002 Wiley also publishes its books in a variety of electronic formats Some content that appears in print may not be available in electronic books For more information about Wiley products, visit our web site at www.wiley.com Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Beazley, Hamilton, date No regrets : a ten-step program for living in the present and leaving the past behind / Hamilton Beazley p cm Includes bibliographical references and index ISBN 0-471-21295-4 Regret I Title BF575 R33 B43 2004 158.1—dc22 Printed in the United States of America 10 To Judith Nowak, whose insights, love, and laughter on the road less traveled have made all the difference For you and that difference, I will always be grateful Deo non fortuna C ONTENTS Acknowledgments ix Introduction: Something Remarkable Is Possible PART I P REPARATION FOR L ETTING G O Understanding Regrets Ten Steps to Letting Go Using Spiritual and Psychological Tools PART II T HE T EN S TEPS 10 TO L ETTING G O Step One: Listing Regrets Step Two: Examining Regrets Step Three: Changing Toxic Thought Patterns Step Four: Grieving Losses Step Five: Making Amends Step Six: Identifying Lessons and Gifts Step Seven: Developing Compassion 26 37 OF R EGRETS 63 72 80 99 107 127 142 vii viii CONTENTS 11 Step Eight: Forgiving Others 12 Step Nine: Forgiving Ourselves 13 Step Ten: Living Free of Regret 151 170 187 Appendix A: Recommended Reading Appendix B: Summary of the Ten-Step Action Lists Appendix C: Quick Reference: Tools, Principles, and Toxic Thought Patterns 203 205 209 Index 213 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS This book is ultimately a collaboration with the many people who shared with me their personal stories of regret and with the scholars and practitioners in psychology, psychiatry, and spirituality whom I consulted in researching it To each of you who gave so generously of your time, knowledge, and spirit, I am most grateful The idea for No Regrets was suggested to me by my friend Michael K Deaver, who also challenged me to write the book I am appreciative of both the suggestion and the challenge, and for his encouragement during the writing process The metaphor of “the road less traveled,” which is used throughout the book, originated with Robert Frost in his poem “The Road Not Taken.” But the phrase was first, or at least most prominently, applied to psychological and spiritual matters by M Scott Peck, the author of The Road Less Traveled Dr Peck’s landmark work influenced this book and, before that, had an impact on my own life when it was first published I am indebted to him for popularizing the phrase and for his marvelous book, which is still one of the best guides I know to living a full, rich, and productive life I want to acknowledge my obvious debt to Alcoholics Anonymous and its Twelve Step program of recovery for the concept of the steps Although the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are not the same as the Ten Steps of letting go of regret (with the exception of making amends), they ix