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40 SHORT PIECES OF HUMOR

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40 SHORT PIECES OF HUMOR The class is studying astronomy The teacher points to a photograph, and says: - Does anyone know what this is? - It's a comet - A what? - A comet, Eddie Don't you know what a comet is? - No - Don't you know what they call a star with a tail? - Sure Mickey Mouse The teacher is asking an arithmetic question: - Frank, if you found three dollars in your right pocket and two dollars in your left pocket, what would you have? - I'd have somebody else's pants on The teacher is asking a geography question: - Mary, where is the English Channel? - I don't know We can't get it on our TV All the kids were trying to impress Grandpa, who had come for a visit Timmy boasted: - I'm first in arithmetic, Grandpa Sally said she had come in first in the spelling bee Grandpa asked little Billy: - What are you first in, Billy? - Well, I'm the first one out the door when the bell rings The little boy had just started school When he returned home the first day, his mother asked, - Billy, what did you learn today? - I learned to write - Oh, what did you write? - I don't know I haven’t learned to read yet The psychiatrist was asking questions to test his patient - Do you ever hear voices without knowing who is speaking, or where the voices are coming from? - Yes, sir, I - And when does this occur? - When I answer the telephone A doctor had an urgent call - Can you come immediately, doctor? My little son has just swallowed a fountain pen - I'll be there right away What are you doing in the meantime? - Oh, I'm using a pencil A man bought a parrot that could speak five languages He paid a thousand dollars for it The pet-shop owner said that he would deliver the bird that afternoon When the proud owner got home, he asked his wife if the parrot had been delivered She answered, - Yes, it has - Where is it? - It's in the oven - In the oven? But he could speak five languages! - Well, then, why didn't he speak up? A man in a restaurant said to a stranger sitting at the next table, - Do you realize that you are reading your newspaper upside down? - Of course I realize it Do you think it's easy? 10 - I used to snore so loud I would wake myself up - What did you about it? - I cured myself - Oh? How did you that? - Now I sleep in the next room, and I don't hear a thing 11 A boy was talking to his mother: - Mom, I'm really glad you named me Albert - Why? Because that's what all the kids at school call me 12 After everyone was in bed the telephone rang - Is this one one one one? - No, this is eleven eleven - Are you sure this isn't one one one one? - Yes, I'm sure This is eleven eleven - Well, I'm sorry to have gotten you up - That's all right I had to get up anyway The phone was ringing 13 - Sam, why are you standing in front of the mirror with your eyes closed? - Well, I want to see what I look like when I'm asleep 14 - Why can you never starve in a desert? - Because of the sand which is there 15 - Knock, knock - Who's there? - Dewey - Dewey who? - Do we have to go to work today? 16 - Knock, knock - Who's there? - Justin - Justin who? - Just an old friend here to see you 17 - Knock, knock - Who's there? - Who - Who who? - What are you, an owl? 18 - Knock, knock - Who's there? - Gopher - Gopher who? - Go for a long walk, and don't come back! 19 - Knock, knock - Who's there? - Boo - Boo who? - What are you crying about? 20 - How you get six elephants into a Volkswagen? - I don't know how? - You put three in the front seat and three in the back seat 21 - Why was the elephant looking through the window? - I don't know, why? - Because he couldn't see through the wall 22 - How you talk to an elephant? - I don't know - How you? - You use BIG words 23 - How does an elephant get out of a telephone booth? - I don't know How? - The same way he got in 24 - How can you tell when an elephant is going on vacation? - Oh, I know that one He packs his trunk 25 - What's the difference between a mailbox and an elephant's trunk? - I don't know - You don't know? I'll never send you out to mail a letter 26 A boy's mum says to him: - Eat your cabbage It'll put colour in your cheeks - But, Mum, who wants green cheeks? 27 A patient is talking to her doctor - Doc, I'm suffering from amnesia - How long have you had it? - Had what? 28 Two friends are talking: - Did you hear about the poor fellow who made himself a new boomerang? - No What happened to him? - He went crazy trying to throw the old one away! 29 Pekka and Matti are talking together - What are you doing? - I'm writing to my sister - Why are you writing so slowly? - Because she can't read very fast 30 A teacher is talking to the father of one of his pupils: - Sir, I've asked you to come because I've discovered somewhat of a problem with your son: I have proof that he cheats on his tests - That is impossible, my son Pierre does not copy anyone else's work I am sure you are mistaken, if you will pardon my saying so - May I show you proof so that we can both be sure? For example, here is a history test; the answers are copied from the paper of his friend Henri Look at the first answer on both papers The question was "Who came after Napoleon?" Henri's answer is Louis XVIII; Pierre's answer is also Louis XVIII - Aha! But it was Louis XVIII - That is true, but look at the second answer The question was "Where did Napoleon achieve his greatest victory?" Henri's answer is London; Pierre's answer is also London - Yes, I see them both but that's purely coincidence It's not sufficient proof to accuse my son of copying! - Ahh, but wait, sir, until you see the third answer The question was "Where did Napoleon die?" Henri's answer is I don't know, and Pierre's answer: Neither I 31 Richard was not too smart, so everyone played tricks on him One dark night, some of the boys dared him to climb up on the beam of their flashlight Richard thought about it for a while Then he said: - - You think that I'm stupid, but I'm not If I climb that beam, you'll let me reach the top of it and then you'll switch the light off and I'll fall down 32 One day two strong but simple-minded fellows were hired to move a big empty box to a store two blocks away It wasn't too heavy for two men to carry, but it was very awkward to lift The first fellow rubbed his hands on his trousers, bent down, grabbed hold of the box, and lifted He couldn't move the box at all He called to his partner: -Come on! Lift your side when I lift mine! Again, he rubbed his hands on his trousers, bent down, grabbed hold of the box, and strained to lift it He still couldn't move it Say! Lift harder! When his third effort failed, he went around on the other side of the box to show his partner how to grab the box His partner wasn't there or anywhere in sight He called: - Hello! Where are you? - I'm inside the box I figured that if you were going to lift from the outside, I'd lift from the inside! 33 Mother sent her son Ali to the store across the street to buy a good box of matches When Ali came back, Mother asked him: - Did you buy a good box of matches? - Yes, Mother, I've tried them all, and they all work 34 Ahmad proudly tells his mother: - Mother, I got one-hundred in two subjects - Fine, Ahmad What were they? - Forty in history and sixty in arithmetic 35 The teacher asked the pupil: - Juma, why were you late for class? - You know, teacher, it has rained all night; the road is so wet and slippery that for every step I took forward, I slipped backward two steps - Now, Juma, if it is as wet tomorrow, start walking in the opposite direction and you will get to school on time 36 Mama asks her son: - Do you want a cookie, Pierre? Since there is no answer from her little son, she asks again: - Pierre, you want a cookie? Why must I ask you twice? - Because, Mama, I want two cookies! 37 A mother is admonishing her son - Now, Kofi, don't be selfish Let your little brother share the bicycle with you - But Mother, I I ride it down the hill, and he rides it up the hill 38 - Why does a crane raise one leg when he stands in the water? - Because if he raised the other leg, he would fall down 39 A little boy is talking with his big brother: - I know what you're going to say next - What? - See? I knew you'd say "What?!" 40 In the movies, a fat man got up from his seat and left during the intermission When he returned, in the dark, since the movie had already started, he politely asked the man who was sitting next to the aisle: - Tell me, Sir, when I left, did I step on you? - Yes (answered the other coldly, expecting an apology) - Oh, good! Then this is my row THE IMPORTANCE OF PUNCTUATION Dear Peter: I want a man who knows what love is all about You are generous, kind, thoughtful People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior You have ruined me for other men I yearn for you I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart I can be forever happy will you let me be yours? Cecilia -Dear Peter: I want a man who knows what love is All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you Admit to being useless and inferior You have ruined me For other men, I yearn For you, I have no feelings whatsoever When we're apart, I can be forever happy Will you let me be? Yours, Cecilia

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