Language Teaching Publications 3 Sketches

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Language Teaching Publications 35 Church Road Hove East Sussex oing a play is fun! z BN3 2BE In the same series: Poor Albert Uncle Bill’s Will Englislh Teaching Plays - Teacher’s Notes Cassetite Tape ISBN 906717 68 X © Language Teaching Publications 1986 All rights reserved No part of this publication may be reproduced, in any’ form or by any means, stored ima retrieval system, or transmitted, electromic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the priow permission of Language Teaching Publiccations THES 1011 Iam a teacher of English in Denmark I wrote this play for my students They wanted a play with policemen and burglars where they could be funny and laugh You can read this play like a story — a story in conversation Your teacher will give you one character to read Don’t just think about your character Listen to all the characters Then you will be able to say your lines with more meaning Say your own lines again and again until they sound natural Say them until you don’t have to think about them Perhaps you will decide to learn the play by heart and put on a performance — for the rest of the school or for your — parents This will take a lot of hard work, but it is also good n Doing a play is fun - and it-makes you feel good It’s great doing something in front of other people and seeing them enjoy it If English is not your first language, there are two extra reasons for doing a play First, it will help you to speak better Secondly, other people will understand you, and this will make you feel better when you speak English Remember — reading and acting in a play is fun! Performance permission Permission to perform this play by studemts in school is hereby given Any professional company sshould seek permission from Language Teaching Publlications Kaj The Empty Safe Act1 The Restaurant of the Richmond Hotel At the back of the stage there is a bar with glasses and bottles Act Act Act Near the front of the stage there are four tables with tablecloths In the restaurant of the Richmond Hotel In Mr Profit’s Office In the restaurant of the Richmond Hotel and some chairs The main entrance is to the right To the lefta door leads into the kitchen Next to the door there is a small platform with a curtain through which the singer can enter the platform , Mr Bigbelly is standing behind the bar Sleepy is sitting at a lable, reading a newspaper In front of him there is an empty plate with the salt and pepper Snoop enters through the main entrance Characters BIGBELLY SNOOP Mr Bigbélly Mr Snoop Miss Wiggle Sleepy Baton Mrs Broom The manager of the Richmond Hotel The famous detective A waitress A customer in the bar A police officer The cleaning lady Mr Profit Owner of the Coffee Pot Construction Company Mr Profit’s secretary A businessman A nightclub singer The jealous wife of Mr Profit Mr Lovebottle Miss Sweetsmile Mr Longtalk Miss Skylark Mrs Patricia Profit Moonlight Daydream =A customer in the bar BIGBELLY _ SNOOP BIGBELLY WIGGLE BIGBELLY WIGGLE Fine, thanks Aren’t you tired? It’s rather late No, not at all Do you think I could have a cup of coffee? Yes, just amoment Miss Wiggle! Hella! Miss Wiggle! (enters from kitchen) Did you call? Yes, I did a cup of coffee for Mr Snoop, our great detective How are you, Mr Snoop Please sit down (Snoop sits down at the table next to Sleepy Sleepy snores Snoop looks around to see A security guard A security guard SNOOP WIGGLE SNOOP WIGGLE Hello, how are you? Very well, thank you And you? where the sound has come from Sleepy snores again The newspaper sinks Snoop looks at bim.) I see Do you take sugar? No Milk? SNOOP WIGGLE SNOOP SNOOP SLEEPY No Would you like a cake or a sandwich with your coffee? A sandwich, please A ham sandwich Pll bring your tea as fast as I can Coffee! I said coffee! (wakening up) Oh, Oh, Oh, who’s dead? BIGBELLY SNOOP BIGBELLY SNOOP BIGBELLY SNOOP BIGBELLY SNOOP BIGBELLY SNOOP BIGBELLY SNOOP BIGBELLY SNOOP BIGBELLY SNOOP On, Oh, Oh, who's dead ? SNOOP SLEEPY Dead? A coffin someone was talking about a coffin, weren't they? SNOOP No, no, nobody’s dead No coffins SLEEPY SNOOP SNOOP WIGGLE Just take it easy Slow down I can wait There’s no rush Oh no, Mr Snoop It won’t be long (She exits through the kitchen door) No murders? No No assassinations? No, no crimes, no criminals Nothing at all yet In other words, a pleasant day? No, deadly Crime’s my job and I like to be busy, not too busy, just busy Crime can the Richmond Hote] - even in this very room! You never know (Sleepy's newspaper slides on to the table Sleepy bas fallen asleep again.) May I borrow your paper? (Sleepy snores.) SLEEPY Yes I’m not dead (Sleepy hides behind his newspaper Miss Wiggle brings a cup and saucer to Mr Snoop's table She is nervous Her band is shaking ) No happen anywhere — even here — even in Go back to sleep I'll bring your coffee, sOrry Ah, coffee! So you’re not in a hurry, then? No P'm off duty now Has it been a hard day? No No attacks? No No robberies? No No bombs? SNOOP SLEEPY WIGGLE May I borrow your paper? (Sleepy wakes up.) The pepper? Yes, of course (Sleepy passes the pepper to Snoop.) Here you are Sorry I didn’t askifor the pepper You didn’t? I nought you did (Sleepy hides bebifid his newspaper.) (Wiggle enters with a tray.) Here you are, Mr Snoop, Your coffee, your milk, your sugar SNOOP SNOOP I don’t take milk | don’t take sugar Oh, sorry, Mr Snoop Here you are, your cheese sandwich Cheese? I don’t like cheese I hate cheese Cheese makes me sick | asked for ham — not cheese — not tomato — not cucumber — HAM ~ aham sandwich BATON BIGBELLY BATON BIGBELLY BATON SNOOP BATON No thank you, Sir, I’m on duty Did you hurt yourself there? No, I’m all right Would you like a cup of tea? No thank you, Sir I’m out on patrol I never drink on patrol Is everything OK? Yes, Sir Pil be on my way, then Goodbye all (Broom enters with a brush and dustpan She collides with Baton who is on bis way out The dustpan falls to the floor.) Bole⁄Z^ I dont like cheese I nate cheese! WIGGLE SNOOP BIGBELLY Oh, I'm so sorry I have a terrible memory Never mind Forget it Get Mr Snoop a new sandwich Ham And hurry up Don’t just stand there, girl — move I’m sorry Mr Snoop So you’ve had a quiet day? (Wiggle takes the sugar bowl and goes to the kitchen door Baton enters through the main BATON WIGGLE BIGBELLY entrance They collide The sugar bowl! falls to : the floor.) Sorry Oh, sorry Oh I’m terribly sorry I’m really very sorry It doesn’t matter Get out — Shoo! BATON BROOM BATON Oh, I’m terribly sorry (Picks up the dustpan and hands it to Broom) Don’t mention it Goodbye (Baton goes out through the main entrance.) BIGBELLY BROOM BIGBELLY BROOM BIGBELLY BROOM BIGBELLY BROOM BIGBELLY BROOM What are you doing in the bar? Miss Wiggle sent me She said you had ajob for me What you want me to do? Sweep the floor, please Sweep the floor? That'll take me ages Look at the time I’ve finished for the day Have you? Yes Then you'll have to work overtime, won’t you! Overtime? Look, I'll pay you overtime Now will you get on with it OK, [hate cleaning, but need the money (Miss Wiggle enters from the kitchen Arthur Lovebottle enters through the main entrance (Wiggle picks up the sugar bowl and runs out through the kitchen door.) Come and sit down Baton Sorry Broom continues to sweep the floor.) LOVEBOTTLE Hello Miss Wiggle WIGGLE LOVEBOTTLE Good evening Mr Lovebottle You are so pretty, Miss Wiggle You may call me Arthur LOVEBOTTLE Oh no, Mr Lovebottle That won’t No, that won't at ail Oh yes, it will Please call me Arthur (He sits down at a table On the table there is a “Reserved” sign.) I'm afraid you can’t sit at that table, Mr (She takes the tray with the coffee pot and the cheese sandwich from Snoop’s table and puts itin front of him Norman Profit enters Lovebottle You'll have to move, I’m afraid Why? (pointing to the sign) LOVEBOTTLE WIGGLE LOVEBOTTLE WIGGLE LOVEBOTTLE WIGGLE LOVEBOTTLE WIGGLE Can’t you read Sorry, I didn’t see it I didn’t see anything but you (reads) Is it reserved? Yes That’s what the sign says It’s reserved for Mr Profit And who’s he? Have you never heard of Mr Profit and the Coffee Pot Construction Company? through the main entrance, followed by Miss Sweetsmile and Mr Longtalk.) BIGBELLY him, his secretary, and one of his business friends Is he rich? He’s a millionaire PROFIT SLEEPY WIGGLE PROFIT BIGBELLY PROFIT LONGTALK BIGBELLY PROFIT SWEETSMILE PROFIT BIGBELLY PROFIT He's a 10 millronaive Good evening, Sir This table here is reserved for you It’s our best table (Profit draws out a chair for Miss Sweetsmile.) No Never He’s the director The table is reserved for Really? I would like to be a millionaire too If I were a millionaire, I would come here every day and ask you to marry me We would fly away to a beautiful island and have lots of beautiful children You can have a cup of coffee and a beautiful cheese sandwich Sit down, honey (Sleepy wakes up.) Money Who said money? Do you want me to pay now? Honey, —- not money — Oh go back to sleep! (Sleepy hides behind his paper.) May we have the menu, please? Certainly, Sir, here you are What are you going to have? I think Pll have roast turkey That’s my favourite “ One roast turkey And what does my sweet little secretary want? Could I have turkey too, please — Turkey for my little honeypot Two roast turkey Make it three And a glass of whisky while we're waiting (Bigbelly goes to the kitchen door.) 11 BIGBELLY (Shouts) Three roast turkey (to Wiggle And three glasses of whisky LONGTALK (Wiggle brings a bottle of whisky and three glasses from the bar She pours.) Cheers! (He takes out an advertising brochure.) (They drink.) Just have a look at this red blue OK, Mr Longtalk, what is this all about? brown.7” orange purple pink Hawaii-blue emerald green LONGTALK = Mr Profit, I’m a businessman — as you know PROFIT LONGTALK LONGTALK SWEETSMILE LONGTALK LONGTALK SWEETSMILE So am I I make coffeepots and J sell coffeepots And you sell a lot of coffeepots, don’t you You bet your life I My whole life is coffeepots What you sell? Well, something that could make your coffeepots better That’s impossible We make the best coffeepots in the whole wide world Our coffeepots are second to none That’s right, my darling I know that But to be honest, they are a bit, mm old-fashioned In my opinion, of course Old-fashioned? Why? White! They're white! You don’t make coloured coffeepots Coloured coffeepots? Coloured coffeepots? Coloured coffeepots That’s a lousy idea Forget it Cheers (They drink.) LONGTALK LONGTALK Do you sell a lot of these white coffeepots? I'm not complaining Business is good Good But perhaps it could be better Why don’t you make them in different colours? Sorry? What did you say? Why don’t you make coloured ones? Everyone likes colour Believe me, you'd sell a lot more coffeepots if they were coloured Look SWEETSMILE (whispers) He sells paint (Profit nods ) He wants you to buy his paint Don’t it He just wants to make money That’s all he’s after I can see that, my darling But take it easy I won't it LONGTALK (loudly) You want to a deal? That’s the whole idea, Mr Profit Well, I'm not interested Not interested at all Cheers, everyone (They drink Some people enter through the main entrance They go to the empty chairs or to the bar They are served by Wiggle During the entertainment they are the audience along with the actors who are already on stage Bigbelly comes on to the platform.) BIGBELLY Ladies and Gentlemen MayI have your attention, please Thank you It’s time now for the Richmond Dinner Cabaret Tonight we're going to present you with a whole bunch of big stars First of all, give a warm welcome to the famous singer, Miss Susan Skylark (The audience shout, whistle, and clap.) Am I right when I say we all love her? 13 AUDIENCE Yes! We do! Certainly! Not halft Super! SKYLARK BIGBELLY Well, here she comes Miss Susan Skylark! SKYLARK Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you Welcome to the show Tonight ’m going to sing some of our beautiful old songs Please join in if you'd like My Bonnie is over the sea, PROFIT Oh bring back my Bonnie to me Chorus: Bring back, bring back Bring back my Bonnie to me, Bring back, bring back, Ob bring back my Bonnie to me we SKYLARK PROFIT My Bonnie is over the ocean, KYLARK SKYLARK Oh, blow ye winds over the sea, Oh, blow ye winds over the ocean, And bring back my Bonnie to me Chorus Last night as I lay on my pillow, Last night as I lay on my bed, Last night as I lay on my pillow, I dreamed that my Bonnie was dead Chorus The winds have blown over the ocean The winds have blown over the sea, The winds have blown over the ocean And brought back my Bonnie to me Chorus: Brought back, brought back Thank you, Miss Skylark Will you me a favour please? I'd be glad to Sing a love song Anything special? How about the Ballad of the Foggy Foggy ew Oh, blow ye winds over the ocean, - What I want is a proper cup of coffee, Brewed in a proper copper coffee pot I may be off my dot, but I want a cup of coffee in a proper coffee pot Tin coffee pots or iron coffee pots are no use to me When I can’t get a proper cup of coffee in a proper copper coffee pot, Pll have a cup of tea (Skylark enters through the curtain The audience clap.) My Bonnie is over the ocean, Thank you, thank you Look at that table Tonight we have a very special guest with us, Mr Norman Profit Mr Profit, ’'ve got a song specially for you and I hope you like it When I was a bachelor, I lived all alone I worked at the weaver’s trade And the only, only thing that I did that was wrong Was to woo a fair young maid I wooed her in the wintertime, Part of the summer, too And the only, only thing that I did that was wrong, Was to keep her from the foggy, foggy dew One night she knelt close by my side When [ was fast asleep, , , She threw her arms around my neck, And then began to weep She wept, she cried, she tore her hair, Ah, me, what could I do? So all night long Lheld her in my arms, Just to keep her from the foggy, foggy dew 15 Again I’m a bachelor, I live with my son, e work at the weaver’s trade; And every single time that I look into his eyes, He reminds me of the fair young maid He reminds me of the wintertime Part of the summer, too, And the many, many times that I held her in my arms, Just to keep her from the foggy, foggy dew BIGBELLY That’s the end of the entertainment, Ladies LONGTALK PROFIT have a good time So you're a rich man, Mr Profit? Oh yes ’'m making a lot of money with my coffeepots Just ask Miss Sweetsmile here SWEETSMILE ‘PROFIT LONGTALK SWEETSMILE LONGTALK SWEETSMILE PROFIT LONGTALK PROFIT EVERYBODY _ PROFIT and Gentlemen The bar is still open So, (To Sweetsmile) Bottoms up, honey pot Cheers, my darling Give me a kiss Oh no, Norman not now When, honey, when? Later, when we're all alone I can’t wait until later (standing behind Profit) You'll have to What you say, honey? Oh, Norman’s very rich Cheers (They drink By now, they have had too much.) Where does he keep it? Keep what? All his money In the safe, of course My safe is full of money When I need © some, I just open it I don’t believe in banks Do you ever forget the combination number? Oh no It’s very easy to remember 10 /7 43 (in a loud whisper) 10 Cheers, Mr Longtalk You're a creat ony but m not going to buy any of your paint | don’t believe in coloured coffeepots (They drink Patricia Profit enters through the main entrance She sees Profit and Sweetsmile Yhey don't see her.) 16 PROFIT SWEETSMILE PROFIT SWEETSMILE PROFIT SWEETSMILE PROFIT PATRICIA tàu: [| PROFIT SWEETSMILE PATRICIA hove to, (to Sweetsmile) What did you say? (discovering Patricia ) Me? I didn’t say anything Yes you did (fo Profit) ‘And you said “give me a kiss” PROFIT AUDIENCE - PATRICIA PPAR PROETE PATRICEA No I didn’t (in a loud hisper) Oh yes he « «1 Yes, you did And vo: ~didn’t say it‘ ‘ your wife _ It wasn’t mẹ Oh come on, Norman, ` dit with my own ears You said, “fuss me.” You said it to that woman! PROFIT No, I just 17 PATRICIA Shut up Youre a married man Never forget that And I'm your wife Are you angry, dear? PROFIT Act Profit’s office at the Coffee Pot Construction Company Posters showing various types of coffee pot are hanging on the wall There are two doors, one to the right, one to the left To the left alarge safe At the back of the stage there isa big desk with a telephone Behind the desk there ts a chair It is night The stage should be dark Lovebottle enters from the right with a torch He points it slowly first at the posters on the wall, then at the desk, the chair, the telephone At last be finds the safe He tiptoes tothe safe and kneels i in front of it Angry? OF course I am PATRICIA LOVEBOTTLE - It’s still not working Oh, it’s warm in here [’ll take off my scarf (He takes it offand puts it on the floor beside the safe.) Now 10 (He stops and listerts ) out.) Mrs Profit, you forgot your bag! (She doesn't hear him and continues out.) What's that? Sounds like footsteps I think someone’s coming Oh, what a mess! And it was such a nice evening Miss Skylark! (She enters.) (He hides behind the desk Longtalk enters from the right with a torch and goes to the safe in the same way as Lovebottle ) Sing us a song EVERYBODY Brought back, brought back, Oh brought back my Bonnie to me, to me Brought back, brought back, Oh brought back my Bonnie to me WR kh 18 TI XU NA et ON at WING ( He tries to turn the lock, but can’t) Damn it’s not working Pll try again 10 (He tries to turn the lock.) Angry? Of course Iam I won’t have you kissing other women I’m just not standing for it Stand up You’re going home now We're going home now (She takes him by the collar and drags him BIGBELLY 10 turn LONGTALK 10 turn (He tries to turn the lock but can’t) Damn It won’t open Pil try again 10 (He tries to turn it again.) It’s still not working Oh, it’s warm in here PH take my scarf off (He takes it off aiid puts it on the floor He discovers Lovebottle’s scarf He takes his torch and searches the room with the light Lovebottle comes out from behind the desk.) 19 pire LONIGTALK s „th co you think you’re doing? « Yes LOVEBOTTIE LON GTALK a security guard, remember that! | ' (The phone rings) Stop that! rou Who else? 10 VEBOTTT _ «hu looking for Mr Profit LONGT ~£' Under his deskl In the middle of the night? z That's yuite normal I want to sell my idea to him “WEBO? TLE Ane that’s why you're looking for him in the (He grabs the receiver) WRONG NUMBER!! (He puts itdown) If were you I wouldn't ring again that’s it, there’s a good boy (The phone rings) WRONG NUMBER!! Don’t you safe? ~“GTALK — L VYEBCTTT F LƠNGTALR I’m not looking for him in the safe Look understand? I said wrong number (He puts the receiver down and takes outa And von know why it’s closed, don’t you Now if you ring one more ume The safe is closed Vt open it ING couid you (He picks up Lovebottle’s scarf ) This is yours, isn’t it (The phone rings.) I'm not answering it LOVEBOTTLE LONGTALK LOVEBOTTLE Neither am I _ You'll have to } +: were here first And I’m going t: be the first to leave LONGTALK Wait for me LOVEBOTTLE LONGTALK Somebody’s coming Let’s hide MOONLIGHT (He tiptoes towards the door.) (He drops the scarf and follows Lovebottle Suddenly they stop and listen.) - ; (Daydream enters from the left.) PH kil you DAYDREAM (Screams JAH! (This scream terrifies Moonlight, who turns round and screams at the same time.) MOONLIGHT Ah Handsup! (Daydream puts up his hands So Longtalk and Lovebottle who are still hiding bebind the desk Their hands are not seen by Daydream and Moonlight.) DAYDREAM Don’t shoot It’s me Daydream I’m only a security guard (They hide behind the desk The phone goes on ringing Moonlight rushes in from the right, out of breath He turns on the light and grabs the receiver.) (without listening) Wrong number (He puts the phone down and relaxes ) Oh, what a fool Lam Why did [rush all the way up from the first floor, just to say “Wrong number”? It’s none of my business to answer the telephone ’'m only 20 revolver.) Dont shoot! Tis me! 21 ... Susan Skylark (The audience shout, whistle, and clap.) Am I right when I say we all love her? 13 AUDIENCE Yes! We do! Certainly! Not halft Super! SKYLARK BIGBELLY Well, here she comes Miss Susan... believe in banks Do you ever forget the combination number? Oh no It’s very easy to remember 10 /7 43 (in a loud whisper) 10 Cheers, Mr Longtalk You''re a creat ony but m not going to buy any of your... tonight Tell her she should be asleep at this time of night! Where''s the money? Ive.been robbed ! 23 SWEETSMILE PROFIT SWEETSMILE PROFIT ˆ It’s all gone PROFIT BATON Nine, nine, nine Hello, my