The Ultimate Accidental Housewife

e t a m i t The Ul Accidental Housewife TM Your Guide to a CLEAN-ENOUGH House Julie Edelman In Loving Memory This guide is dedicated to my loving father, who passed away while I was in the throes of writing it It is his sense of humor and love for living life that daily gives me the strength and optimism to embrace and never give up on my pre-accidental housewifely dreams I miss you, Daddy, but I’m sure you’re up there making everyone smile and enjoying a Dewars and soda or two, knowing your little girl loves you and will never give up, thanks to you Ac-ci-den-tal House-wife (noun): An individual of no particular gender or race; married, single, or divorced; working or home-based; with or without kids who, due to circumstance, intent, or nuptial bliss finds him- or herself tasked with taking care of everyday household chores and activities regardless of interest, skill, or time Contents Never Enough Thanks vii Preface: Time to Spread the Glove ix Just Enough Accidental Housewifely Disclaimers Introduction: Conquering Chores That Bore xiii PAR T : T H E TOX I C ZO N E S Chapter 1: The Bathroom: Just Enough Cleaning Chapter 2: The Bathroom: Just Enough Organizing Chapter 3: The Kitchen: Just Enough Cleaning 31 46 Chapter 4: The Kitchen: Just Enough Organizing 103 PA R T : T H E N OT- S O -TOXI C ZO N E S Chapter 5: Living Spaces: Just Enough Cleaning 109 Chapter 6: Living Spaces: Just Enough Organizing Chapter 7: The Bedroom: Just Enough Cleaning Chapter 8: The Bedroom: Just Enough Organizing 121 124 131 vi CONTENTS PAR T 3: L AU N DRY: L IG HTE N IN G TH E LOAD Chapter 9: Just Enough Laundry Basics Chapter 10: United Stains of America 137 144 PAR T 4: F IX IT, D O N’T F ORG E T IT Chapter 11: A Repair to Remember 191 PAR T 5: E A SY E NV IRO - K E E PIN G Chapter 12: A Convenient Truth 243 PAR T 6: L A S T RE SOR T S Chapter 13: Stuff That Bugs Us: Just Enough Pest Control Chapter 14: If You Do Nothing Else 262 Appendix: The Ultimately Short and Sweet Resource Guide Index 269 About the Author Other Books by Julie Edelman Credits Cover Copyright 257 267 Never Enough Thanks n the beginning there was the word and the word was housewife And that is where my first words of thanks begin Without you there would be no book called The Ultimate Accidental Housewife: Your Guide to a Clean-Enough House because it is our shared angst that propelled me to find simple solutions to our everyday household tasks The second and third word of thanks goes to the indefatigable Kevin Miller of ABC Radio Networks or oh capitán as I like to call him, who as I played food hockey with my salad called up the wonderful Ellen Archer at Hyperion and told her she must meet me The rest, as they say, is history: We met with the fashionable and fab Ms Archer and my stellar and incredibly brilliant and witty editor Brenda Copeland and the next accidental housewifely bestseller was born Then there’s Kathleen Carr, Brenda’s amazing assistant, who was always perky when I called and insured my edits were clear and readable Next up: my two terrific agents at William Morris, Andy McNicol and Jason Fox, who kept me from losing it along the way; and Andy’s assistant, Ken Graham, who insured that this queen of technological darkness got her manuscript through cyberspace intact and on time And, thanks to Kate “PMS” Sweeney (my nickname for her, which stands for “Pretty Manageable Stains” that you’ll read about in Chapter 10) for her stately research Then kudos are in order to my dear friend and advisor, Harvey Stein, who introduced me to my incredibly talented and kind chief designer, John-Michael Eckeblad and the legendary creative branding guru Alan Seigel and his très artistic mates Seth Sever and Lloyd Blaner Thanks guys for bringing Julie Edelman and The Accidental Housewife together as one entity! Next up: Peter Cohl and his wife, Zoe, for the amazing I viii NE VER ENOUGH THANKS photograph of me that you see in the back of the book—good lighting and makeup are beautiful things! On the personal side: never-ending hugs and all my love go to the most important person in my life: my extraordinarily warm and gifted son and the future number-one ranked player in the PGA, Luke, who once again was unselfish enough to play golf during every minute of sunlight when not in school so that I could write, and resourceful enough to keep us fed when this guide’s deadline loomed And, salut to my dear friend Vinnie for always welcoming me with open arms and a glass of Santa Margarita—see, I told you I’d thank you! Lastly, thanks again to my mother, who was born ahead of her time As a result she didn’t have the choice nor chance to pursue her hopes and dreams nor be an accidental housewife, but encouraged me to pursue mine so long as I didn’t walk on her beige carpeting I think that covers it But, if I’ve forgotten you, please don’t be upset—you are in my heart if not in my current overloaded memory, so the oversight is truly accidental 270 INDE X bathtubs: cleaning, 21, 22, 26–27, 222 clogs in, 230–36 oiling, 25 bathtub toys, 27–28, 33, 45 bean(s): baking soda and, 76 soup, Senate, 185, 186 stains from, 168–69, 185 bedroom, 264 cleaning, 124–30 cleaning products and tools for, 127–28 dust mites in, 124, 125–26, 129 environmentally-friendly housekeeping in, 250–52 organizing, 131–34 repairs in, 201–3 beds, creaky, 202 beef stains, 173 beer, 88 stains from, 175–76 Begley, Ed, Jr., 245 berry stains, 169, 170, 174–75, 178–79, 182 bins and baskets, 41, 110, 122, 133–34 blackberry stains, 179, 182 blankets, 126 bleach: ammonia and, 22, 72 chlorine vs oxygen, 150 blenders, 101 blinds and shades, 110–11, 192, 249, 251–52 to cover clutter, 38 blueberry stains, 174–75 blood stains, 15–17, 144 blow dryer, 112, 245 Bombeck, Erma, 1, 124, 127, 137, 139 books, 121 bourbon, 165 stains from, 166 boxes, decorative, 132 breadbox, 55 brooms, 40, 112 Bugs Bunny, 236 butter stains, 159, 165, 167–68 cabinets: cleaning, 82–83 creaky, 197–98 candle drips, 118–19 can openers, electric, 101 caramel stains, 167 carpets, 201 odors in, 119 stains on, 117–18 catalogs, 41 ceiling fans, 116, 250, 252 wobble in, 195, 201 charitable contributions, 122 cheese graters, 102 cheese stains, 161, 179–80, 186 Cher, 257 cherry stains, 169 chicken, Kentucky Fried, stains from, 166 children, xviii, chile rellenos, stains from, 175 chili stains, 177–78, 182–83 chimichanga, 155 stains from, 156 chitlin stains, 181 chocolate stains, 171, 180 chores: defensive and offensive, making judgments about doing, chowder, 159 stains from, 160, 174 chrome fixtures, 22, 33 circuit breakers, 193, 194 cleaning: bathroom, 3, 7–30 bedroom, 124–30 INDE X 271 kitchen, 3, 46–102 laundry room, 137–38 living spaces, 3, 109–20 cleaning products: for bathroom, 20–22 for bedroom, 127–28 for kitchen, 71 for living spaces, 111–12 cleaning tools: for bathroom, 21, 22 for bedroom, 127–28 for kitchen, 71–72 for living spaces, 112–13 closets, 132–33 clothing, 132, 133 laundering, see laundry mud on, 163 clutter: in bathroom, 7, 32–34 in bedroom, 127 in kitchen, 105–6 in living spaces, 121, 122, 123 see also organizing Cobain, Kurt, 172 coffee: odors and, 85, 97 stains on fabrics from, 180, 184, 185 stains on mugs and pitchers from, 76 coffee bean grinders, 100 coffee filters, 100 coffeemakers, 98–99 cola, 28–29 colored marker stains, 120 comforters, 126, 127 computers, 247 condoms, 33, 40 contacts, disposable, 222 cookie dough, 85, 113 cooktops, see ovens, stoves, ranges, and cooktops corn chowder stains, 174 corn on the cob with butter, stains from, 165 cosmetics, 32, 33, 34, 39 bacteria in, 41–42 brushes for, 43–44 expiration guide for, 42–43 counter space, lack of, 105 countertops: backsplash, 81–82 bathroom, cleaning, 21, 24 Corian, 81, 82 disinfecting, 52–53, 55 keeping cats off, 56 kitchen, cleaning, 80–81 marble and granite, 80–81, 82 crab cakes and puffs, stains from, 160, 168 cranberry stains, 169 crap, crapper, 229 Crawford, Joan and Christina, 133 crayon stains, 120 cream filling stains, 164 cream of wheat stains, 177 creams and lotions, 32, 33, 34, 40, 45 crumbs, 55 Crystal Light, 28–29 Cuban sandwich stains, 161 cucumbers, 88 curling irons, 245 custard kuchen stains, 182 cutting boards, 49, 40, 51, 105 dairy stains, 160, 163, 164, 174, 184 decals, 27 decorating decoys, 111 dehumidifiers, 10 denture tablets, 21, 28 dill sauce stains, 155 dining room, 192 see also living spaces dishes, 104 272 INDE X dish towels, 52 dishwasher, 217 baking soda in, 76 cleaning, 94–95 energy saving and, 247 kitchen faucet and, 209 not draining, 216 and sink or garbage disposal backing up, 215 soaps and rinse aids for, 61–62 vinegar in, 209 disinfecting products, 13, 71, 73 disposable wipes, 71, 112, 128 doormats, 110 doors: creaky, 197–98 gaps in, 196–97 doorstops, 192 door sweeps, 110 drafts, 133 drain cleaner, 223–24 drains, 223 clogged, 69 hair in, 222 main, 222 drawers, sticky, 202 dressers, 132, 201 sticky drawers on, 202 dryer, 204 cleaning of, 204 clogs in, 206–7 energy saving and, 253 gas smell from, 207 lights out on, 205–6 noisy or vibrating, 205 not heating, 206 drying clothes, 142, 253 dumpsters, 110, 122–23 dusting, 110, 111–12, 127–28 dust mites, 124, 125–26, 129 effervescent tablets, 21, 28 eggs, 48 stains from, 174 electrical system: circuit breakers and, 193, 194 fuse box and, 194 electronic devices: accidental washing of, 140 energy saving and, 247 emergency supplies, 192 Emerson, Ralph Waldo, 257 Energy Star appliances, 192, 204, 207, 245, 246, 248, 252–53 entranceways, 109, 122 environmentally-friendly housekeeping, 243–54 in bathroom, 243–45 in bedroom, 250–52 in kitchen, 245–47 in laundry room, 252–54 in living spaces, 247–50 environmentally-friendly products, 22, 72–74 enzymes, 152 Epperson, Frank, 158 Esar, Evan, 131 fabric dryer balls, 142 fabric dryer sheets, 85 family room: dumpsters in, 122–23 offensive repairs in, 192 see also living spaces faucets: cleaning, 22, 23–24, 33, 76, 78 deposits on heads of, 214 dishwasher and, 209 disinfecting, 52–53 leaking, 213, 239, 244 lime stains on, 79–80 types of, 237–38 INDE X 273 feng shui, 131–32 Fields, W C., 221 fire extinguisher, 210 fires, 210 grease, 65–67 in oven, 68 fish, 48, 49, 50, 52 flange, 225 flea markets, 122 Flin, Monica, 155 floors: bathroom, cleaning, 29–30 bathroom, materials for, 12, 15, 16 bedroom, cleaning, 128 carpeted, see carpets kitchen, cleaning, 83–84 linoleum or vinyl, chips in, 221 in living spaces, cleaning, 112 protecting, 192, 201 rugs on, 201, 248 squeaks in, 196 vacuuming, 57 foil, 56, 61 foods: bacteria and, 48–50 expiration dates on, 58 freezer: amount of food in, 48, 246 cleaning, 85–87 closing doors of, 246 defrosting, 86, 208 ice maker in, 208, 218–19 odors in, 58, 87 shelf liners in, 57–58 temperature of, 48 French Dip sandwich, 158 stains from, 157–58 frisbees, 117 fruits, 48, 50 furniture, moving, 192 fuse box, 194 Gabor, Zsa Zsa, 121 garage sales, 122 garbage, 33, 53–54, 62, 85 garbage disposals, 208, 209 cleaning, 53, 99 repairing, 214–15 gas smell, 207, 220 Gerba, Charles, 30, 49 germs, in kitchen, 47 vinegar and, see also bacteria gift wrap, 133 glass, broken, 19, 64 glass-top furniture, 112 glassware, 104 gloves, rubber, golf clubs, 40, 113, 117, 128 grapefruit stains, 160–61 gravy stains, 178 grease fires, 65–67 grease stains, 118, 157–58 grits, stains from, 184 gumbo stains, 167 hair, in drains, 222 hair color: Kool-Aid as, 172 stains from, 19 hairstyling tools and aids, 33–34, 39–40, 44, 245 hamburger stains, 186–87 hands, washing, 54 hand washables, 141–42 heating system, 192, 195, 201 energy saving and, 248–50 honey stains, 182 274 INDE X Hoosier pie stains, 164 Hormel, Jay, 170 houseplants, 251 ice maker, 208, 218–19 I Love Lucy, 61, 115 ironing, 143, 252, 254 Jell-O stains, 176 juice, 48 ketchup stains, 186–87 kitchen, 263 bacteria in, 47–54, 55 cleaning, 3, 46–102 cleaning products for, 71 cleaning tools for, 71–72 emergency kit for, 209–10 environmentally-friendly housekeeping in, 245–47 floor mats in, 57 germs in, 47 mold in, 54–55, 78 odors in, 85 organizing, 3, 46, 103–6 repairs in, 3, 207–21 Kool-Aid, 21, 28–29, 172 stains from, 172 lampshades, 112 laundry, 137–43 drying, 142, 253 hand washing, 141–42 ironing, 143, 252, 254 pretreating, 139, 151, 152–53 sorting, 139 washing, 139–41 see also stains laundry room: cleaning and organizing, 137–38 environmentally-friendly housekeeping in, 252–54 repairs in, 203–7 lemon, 88 lemon oil, 13, 25 Leonard, Hugh, lightbulbs, 192, 249 broken, 193 fluorescent, 248, 249 lights, 110–11 energy saving and, 248, 250–51 repairing, 193 lime (mineral) stains on faucets, 79–80 limes, 161 stains from, 160–62 lint brush, 112 living room, 109 offensive repairs in, 192 see also living spaces living spaces, 264 cleaning, 3, 109–20 cleaning products for, 111–12 cleaning tools for, 112–13 environmentally-friendly housekeeping in, 247–50 organizing, 3, 121–23 repairs in, 3, 192–203 lobby set, 112 lobster with melted butter, stains from, 167–68 loco moco, 164 lotions and creams, 32, 33, 34, 40, 45 magazines, 33, 41, 121, 123 makeup, 32, 33, 34, 39 bacteria in, 41–42 expiration guide for, 42–43 makeup brushes, 43–44 maple syrup stains, 183–84 margaritas, 101 INDE X 275 Married with Children, 96 martinis, dirty, 64 recipe for, 66 mattress covers, 126 mattresses, 125 mayonnaise, 88 stains from, 187 meats, 48–49, 50, 52 medications, 33, 40 Melville, Herman, 159 Mencken, H L., 66 mice, 257–58 microfiber products, 21, 23, 71, 111, 112, 127 microwave, 220, 247 cleaning, 67–69, 95–97 keeping clean, 61 mildew, 8, 55 in bathroom, 8–13, 24, 25 products for removing, 10, 11, 12, 20–21 milk stains, 163, 174, 180, 184 mineral deposits, 79 mint juleps, 165 stains from, 166 mirrors, 38 broken, 19 cleaning, 22, 23, 112 defogging, 14, 22 Moby-Dick (Melville), 159 molasses stains, 168–69 mold, 8, 54 in bathroom, 8–13, 24, 25, 33 in kitchen, 54–55, 78 products for removing, 10, 11, 12, 20–21 Mommie Dearest, 133 Monroe, Marilyn, 191 moths, 258–60 mouthwash, 45 mud, 163 mud pie stains, 171 mustard stains, 161, 180, 187 newspapers, 33 organizing, 41 uses for, 22, 33, 62, 85 night tables, 132, 201 sticky drawers on, 202 odors: in carpet, 119 in fridge and freezer, 58, 85, 87 in kitchen, 85 newspapers and, 33, 62, 85 Onassis, Jacqueline Kennedy, 149 onion, 88 orange stains, 160–61 organizers, store-bought, 34–35, 41 organizing: bathroom, 3, 31–45 bedroom, 131–34 kitchen, 3, 46, 103–6 laundry room, 138 living spaces, 3, 121–23 ovens, stoves, ranges, and cooktops: cleaning, 59–60, 88–95 clogged gas ports on, 219–20 closing door of, 246 color of gas flame on, 208 fire in, 68 gas smell from, 220 lining with foil, 60 self-cleaning and continuous cleaning, 60, 89 splatters and spills on, 59, 63–64, 91, 92, 93 using other appliances instead of, 247 paint brush, 112, 128 paper towels, 21, 52, 72, 245 peach pie stains, 162 peanut butter, 88, 171 stains from, 171 pecan pie stains, 154 276 INDE X pecans, 155 pest control, 257–61 ants, 260 mice, 257–58 moths, 258–60 roaches, 54, 261 pets: keeping cats off counters, 56 shedding of, 120 urine stains from, 118, 120 pillows, 126, 127, 252 dust mites in, 125, 126 pineapple stains, 162 pipes, leaky, 11 pizza, 164 stains from, 163–64 plumbing system, professional inspection of, 223 plungers, 210, 224 pocket organizers, 35–36 Popsicles, 158 pork, pulled, stains from, 176–77 potatoes, 163 baked or mashed, stains from, 163 poultry, 48, 49, 50, 52 praline stains, 167 pretzels, 178 with mustard, stains from, 180 price stickers, removing, 79 Quickies, 110, 113–20, 124, 127–30 daily, 113, 129 monthly, 114–15, 129 occasional and accidental, 116–20 seasonal, 115–16, 130 tool belt for, 113, 128 weekly or bi-weekly, 114, 129 ranges, see ovens, stoves, ranges, and cooktops razors, 34, 40 refrigerator: amount of food in, 48, 246 blown gasket in, 218 cleaning, 85–87 closing door of, 246 doors and handles of, 49, 52–53, 76, 208, 246 drip pan under, 54 Energy Star, 207 leveling, 216–18 light out in, 219 odors in, 58, 85, 87 rubber seals on, 208, 246 shelf liners in, 57–58 temperature of, 48 repairs, 191–239 in bathroom, 3, 221–39 in bedroom, 201–3 in kitchen, 3, 207–21 in laundry room, 203–7 in living spaces, 3, 192–203 resale shops, 122 resimplifying, 35 resource guide, 267–68 Rivers, Joan, 111 roaches, 54, 261 roast beef grease stains, 157–58 Rocky Mountain rainbow trout with butter dressing, stains from, 159 rubber gloves, rugs, 201, 248 safety, xviii salmon with dill sauce stains, 155 salsa stains, 156 sanitizing products, 71, 73–74 sausage and gravy stains, 178 screens, decorative, 38 Seinfeld, Jerry, 144 INDE X 277 septic system, 223, 224 Sex and the City, 46 shades and blinds, 110–11, 192, 249, 251–52 to cover clutter, 38 shampoo, 32, 34, 44 shaving cream, 34, 40, 45 defogging mirrors with, 14, 22 shaving supplies, 34, 40, 245 sheets, 126, 127, 252 shoes and boots, 110, 122 shopping bags, 132–33 shower curtains, 12, 26 showers: clogged drains in, 230–36 clogged heads in, 236–39 cleaning, 21, 22, 24–26 reducing time spent in, 244 replacing head in, 244 silverware, 104–5 Simpson, Homer, 243 sinks: cleaning, 24, 55–57, 74–78, 222 clogs in, 76, 210–13, 215, 230–36 dishwasher and, 215 disposable contacts and, 222 grease and fat in, 208–9 traps below, 214 see also faucets Slyders, 164 snake, 227 soap scum, 13, 24, 25, 204 sour cream, stains from, 163 soy sauce stains, 188 space heaters, 249 SPAM, 170 spills, 54, 55, 110 on carpet, 117 stovetop, 59, 63–64, 91, 92, 93 spinach, 157 stains from, 156–57 sponges, 50–52, 72 spray cleaners, 71 stains, 144–88 apple butter, 185 baked beans, 168–69 baked or mashed potato with sour cream, 163 basic removers and tools for, 150–51 beer, 175–76 blackberries, 179 blackberry jam cake, 182 blood, 15–17, 144 blueberries, 174–75 on carpet, 117–18 cheese, 186 cheesesteak, 179–80 cherries, 169 Chicago deep dish pizza, 163–64 chile rellenos, 175 chili, 182–83 chimichanga, 156 chitlins, 181 Cincinnati chili, 177–78 coffee, 184, 185 coffee and tea, in mugs and pitchers, 76 coffee milk, 180 combo, 144, 145, 148–49 corn chowder, 174 corn on the cob with butter, 165 crab cakes, 168 crab puff, 160 cranberries, 169 cream of wheat, 177 Cuban sandwich, 161 custard kuchen, 182 dye, 144, 145, 147–48 eggs, 174 enzymes and, 152 French Dip sandwich, 157–58 grapefruit, 160–61 278 INDE X stains (continued ) grease, 118, 157–58 grits, 184 gumbo, 167 hair coloring, 19 Hershey chocolate, 180 honey, 183 Hoosier pie, 164 Jackson Hole hamburger, 186–87 Jell-O, 176 Kansas City BBQ ribs, 165–66 Kentucky Fried Chicken, 166 ketchup, 186–87 Kool-Aid, 172 lime, 160–62 lobster with melted butter, 167–68 maple syrup, 183–84 mayonnaise, 187 mint julep, 166 mud pie, 171 mustard, 161, 180, 187 New England clam chowder, 160 non-water-soluble, 148–49 oil-based, 144, 145, 148 orange, 160–61 peach pie, 162 peanut butter, 171 pecan pie, 154 pineapple, 162 praline, 167 pretreating, 139, 151, 152–53 pretzels with mustard, 180 protein, 144, 145–46 pulled pork, 176–77 red wine, 117–18, 158–59 removal tips for, 151–53 Rocky Mountain rainbow trout with butter dressing, 159 salmon with dill sauce, 155 sausage and gravy, 178 Senate bean soup, 185 soy sauce, 188 SPAM, 170 spinach, 156–57 steaks/beef, 173 strawberries, 178–79 sweet tea, 181 Tabasco sauce, 188 tannin, 144, 145, 146 urine, 118, 120 vomit, 17–19 watermelon, 173–74 water soluble, 145–48 wild berries, 170 steak stains, 173 sticky labels, removing, 79 Stilson, Jeff, 109 storage bins and baskets, 41, 110, 122, 133–34 stove, see ovens, stoves, ranges, and cooktops strawberry stains, 178–79 stuffed animals, 126 sugar, 88 switch plates, 116 Tabasco sauce stains, 188 tables: burns on, 200 dents and scratches on, 199–200 marks on, 118 Tang, 21, 28–29, 96 tartar sauce stains, 168 tea, 88, 96–97 stains on fabric from, 181 stains on mugs and pitchers from, 76 television, 193, 247 temperature, room, 249–50 INDE X 279 tennis balls, 117, 142 tennis racquets, 117 thermostat, 249–50 thingamajig, 155 throw rugs, 201 tile and grout, 22 toaster: bread not popping up in, 220–21 cleaning, 69–70 toaster oven, 247 cleaning, 97–98 toilet-cleaning tablets, 13–14 toilet paper, 40, 245 toilets: bacteria on, 49 ball leaking in, 228 cleaning, 21, 28–29 clogged and overflowing, 7, 14–15, 225–26, 230 fi xing flapper in, 229–30 flapper seal in, 228 flushing things down, 223 leaky, 11, 227–28 low-flow, 244 microscopic mist from, 30 running, 226 tomatoes, 172 stains from, 182–83 toothbrush, 45, 245 as cleaning tool, 22 toilet flushing and, 30 toothpaste, 22, 45 tooth-whitening strips, 45 towels: dish, 52 bathroom, 40–41 paper, 21, 52, 72, 245 toxic ingredients, xviii ammonia and bleach, 22, 72 trash cans, 33, 53–54, 62, 85 tree, planting, 250 tweezers, 40 urine stains, 118, 120 vacuum cleaners, 109, 112 clogged hose in, 201 hand, 21 odor in, 201 vacuuming, 57, 128 vegetables, 48, 50 Velcro, 36–38, 56 vinegar, 9, 21, 22, 25, 85, 112, 204, 209 apple cider, 88 vodka, 21, 88, 173 dirty martinis, 64, 66 vomit, 17–19 wallpaper tears, 203 walls: chipped or peeling spots on, 203 colored marker and crayon stains on, 120 cracks in, 198–99, 203 fingermarks on, 116 washing machine, 204 energy saving and, 252–53 leaks or overflow from, 204 noisy or vibrating, 205 preventing clogs in, 204 water beds, 252 water heater, 245 watermelons, 172, 173 stains from, 173–74 water rings, 118 water supply, main drains for, 222 water tank, 245 weather strips, 110 White, E B., 66 280 INDE X white-glove test, 114 Wilde, Oscar, 11, 124 windows, 110, 252 blinds and draperies on, 192, 249, 251–52 cleaning, 33, 100 wine, 22 red, stains from, 117–18, 158–59 wood, marks on, 118 wood furniture, 119 Wright, Steven, 151 About the Author Julie Edelman is a lifestyle reporter for national and local radio and television programs, including The View, Today, CBS Early Show, CW, and Fox She is the author of Once Upon a Recipe, a children's cookbook She was a senior vice president at Bohbot Entertainment and a senior vice president/creative director at Saatchi and Saatchi Advertising She graduated from Duke University ALSO BY THE AUTHOR The Accidental Housewife TM: How to Overcome Housekeeping Hysteria One Task at a Time Credits Design by Renato Stanisic Copyright THE ULTIMATE ACCIDENTAL HOUSEWIFE Copyright © 2008 Julie Edelman All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of Hyperion e-books Adobe Acrobat eBook Reader March 2008 ISBN 978-1-4013-9126-3 10 [...]... spread on the walls, he is to order that the contaminated stones be torn out and thrown into an unclean place outside the town He must have all the inside walls of the house scraped and the material that is scraped off dumped into an unclean place outside the town Then they are to take other stones to replace these and take new clay and plaster the house • If the mildew reappears in the house after the stones... Yes, they are a wonderfully cheap homekeeping resource and there are many ways to put them to work, which I’ve labeled “Child’s Play.” So there you have it Take a breath, grab that libation, and let’s recapture some of our pre -accidental hopes and dreams as we spread the glove together Imperfection is our new perfection Vive today’s housewife! Vive la Accidental Housewife! Just Enough Accidental Housewifely... forty-eight hours if the conditions are right The key is to keep in mind that they are very quick to call your bathroom home, but if you read what follows you’ll be safe enough in fending them off THE ULTIMATE ACCIDENTAL HOUSE WIF E 9 habit our homes That means it’s a good idea to stop them as best you can before they take up permanent residence DEALING WITH THE FUNGUS AMONG US As far back as the Old Testament,... cause your mother or mother-in-law to look at you aghast and wonder if indeed you’ve lost your mind A downloadable list is available on my site at www.theaccidentalhousewife.com Cleaning Products and Tools Here are the basics you’ll need to clean this toxic zone just enough: • DISPOSABLES: I love these since you use them and lose them This may not be the most eco-friendly way to clean but the reality... and unless you wound up calling in the real estate agents, demolition squad, or Ty, it’s time to get cracking Start by dividing your accidental housewifely home into the following two zones By doing so you’ll be able to judge whether you clean it pronto, organize it, or can leave it for another day 1 TOXIC ZONES: These are the bathroom and kitchen, since they have the greatest chance of housing living... kitchen • bedroom (master or other) • family room • all of the above • other If neither of these questions helps you decide where to begin, then this may indicate that your home is in an emergency state, so my advice is to call in the experts immediately, sell it as soon as possible, or level it Judgment delivered! Now, on your mark, get set, divide and conquer! THE ULTIMATE ACCIDENTAL HOUSE WIF E 3 Divide... reappears in the house after the stones have been torn out and the house is scraped and plastered, then the priest is to go and examine it, and if the mildew has spread in the house, it is a destructive mildew: the house is unclean It must be torn down—its stones, timbers, and all the plaster—and taken out of the town to an unclean place Nowadays, in the event that your priest or priestess is doing lunch or... toss the bag out—preferably not in your kitchen garbage can but in one that resides outside your home or apartment • Sop up any liquid with old rags, towels, or a microfiber mop Please note: If you decide to keep these cloths rather than throw them out, launder them immediately with bleach, an enzyme laundry product, and hot water—other than the mop, give them a “special storage spot” and use them... which I’ve learned means they’re microscopic plant life without chlorophyll Since they like warmth and humidity, and a steady supply of them, they usually take up residence in places like our bathrooms and basements It is there that they come home to roost or, as the experts say, “form colonies”—reproducing (they form spores) on anything and everything that remains wet for more then twenty-four to forty-eight... items like sponges, toothbrushes, and washcloths dry out Toss moist sponges in the microwave and damp clothes and towels in the dryer, or let them hang out to dry in the good ol’ sunshine • USE DEHUMIDIFIERS: Dehumidifiers suck the moisture out of the air, which is exactly what you want to do to cut off M & M’s lifeline The moisture is collected in a tank, which needs to be emptied regularly That said, ... of our pre -accidental hopes and dreams as we spread the glove together Imperfection is our new perfection Vive today’s housewife! Vive la Accidental Housewife! Just Enough Accidental Housewifely... place outside the town He must have all the inside walls of the house scraped and the material that is scraped off dumped into an unclean place outside the town Then they are to take other stones... stones to replace these and take new clay and plaster the house • If the mildew reappears in the house after the stones have been torn out and the house is scraped and plastered, then the priest is