The Big Cheese (AKA Recordkeeping for Knuckleheads)Allen Hancock A.R.M.A pdf

The Big Cheese (AKA Recordkeeping for Knuckleheads) Allen Hancock A.R.M.A Smashwords Edition Copyright 2010 Allen Hancock Cover design by A Hancock Photograph from MS Office Clipart Smashwords Edition, License Notes Thank you for downloading this free ebook You are welcome to share it with your friends This book may be reproduced, copied and distributed for non-commercial purposes, provided the book remains in its complete original form If you enjoyed this book, please return to Smashwords.com to discover other works by this author Thank you for your support She burst into my office, her cheesy grin a ray of sunshine on a cold, dark, rainy winter’s afternoon “Detective, er … Um?” she said looking at the name plate on the frosted glass door panel I fumbled as I stood from where I had been dozing at my desk, trying without success to keep my brain from going blank, rows of Zs stretching across my computer screen where my finger had come to rest “The name’s Ulm,” I told her “U-L-M Charlie Ulm Like Kingsford Smith’s copilot.” “Kingsford what?” she asked “Doesn’t matter, Miss er …” “Brianna Munro,” she said “Won’t you take a seat, Miss Munro?” “Please Everybody calls me Brie1 ” I summed her up quickly I could see that beneath the tough outer layer she put across she had a soft, inner texture that would melt quickly under pressure Even though she had a fairly delicate nature I figured she could be deliciously blue when the mood took her A stack of my case files teetered precariously on the client chair in front of the desk I looked around quickly for somewhere else to put them and my eyes focussed on the first vacant space I found The top of the waste bin “That’s not a good idea,” she said reading my mind “Somebody in our office did that with some pretty important files They forgot about them until next morning after the cleaner had thrown them out We spent a lot of time searching through dumpsters and there’s still no sign of them.”2 “No chance of that happening here,” I said “The cleaner only comes once a week and that was yesterday.” Her eyes quickly took in the chaos around me I couldn’t tell whether she didn’t believe it was only a day since the cleaner had been in or if I actually had a cleaner at all “In a way that’s why I’m here,” she said straightening her skirt as she sat down I could see she had legs that went all the way up to the sensible length hem “I work for Mr Jarlsberg3,” she explained “He’s the big cheese in our office at City Hall “This Jarlsberg sounds like he can be a bit on the nose,” I said “A real hard block” “No,” she said “Beneath his leathery skin Mr Jarlsberg is really a softy inside Not like our old boss, Mr Stilton4 Now he could really be a stinker” “After the incident with the cleaner, Mr Jarlsberg decided it was time to clean up the recordkeeping in our office He’s assigned me the job of taking care of it but I know nothing about records I need your help.” “Recordkeeping isn’t exactly my own specialty either,” I told her I didn’t want to myself out of a fee but I didn’t want to raise any false hopes “You’d better tell me what you know.” “I know I gotta keep stuff, Charlie, but … Who has to keep what? And how they keep it?” “That’s not a lot to go on,” I said “I guess I can make some enquiries I know a couple of people who know a couple of people I’ll let you know when I find out something.” “Thanks, Charlie I’m counting on you.” “I’ll try,” I told her “But I think we need to start with what a record is exactly.” … The City Records Office was one of those places I knew nothing about I imagined a grey place full of dusty relics, lifeless people working long days with even longer faces I thought I knew the type, but if I was going to find out what a record was it would be there The door must have been opened a million times before and I became person number one million and one It groaned mournfully on opening as if it had had enough of its dull, monotonous existence and wanted to go the glass and metal scrap heap in the sky As I pondered the life of a door, a voice called to me “Good afternoon, sir,” a friendly voice said “My name is Colby5 Sorry about the door I’ll make a record of it in the building management system to ensure the matter is attended to as quickly as possible How can I help you?” “I need to know what a record is,” I told him as I handed him my business card “That’s simple, Detective, er … Um?” “The name’s Ulm,” I told him “U-L-M Charlie Ulm Like Kingsford Smith’s copilot You know, the Southern Cross.” “Ah, the Southern Cross! Not a hotel I frequent but I’ve heard it’s nice” “Doesn’t matter I was asking about what a record is” “As I said, it’s simple It’s all contained here in the city’s policy and standards on recordkeeping Here, take this copy, or if you prefer, it’s available on our web site It’s linked to the master version which is saved and maintained for authenticity and preservation as an electronic record in the recordkeeping system” “But all of that is a bit complicated for the average knucklehead like me to understand,” I said “I’m no dummy but I a lot of important stuff Records aren’t exactly a priority.” “They’re not?” he said “Put simply, a record is anything, in any format that documents what you did, what you discussed or what you decided.” “So anything can be a record?” I asked jotting the detail into my notebook “That’s right,” he said “It could be a formal letter, a photograph, a voice recording Even the notes you’re writing in your book are a record.” I looked at my notebook Suddenly I began to understand “And it can be in any format I assume you mean it could be paper or digital?” “That's right,” he said “If you can derive information from it then it can be a record Paper, digital, it doesn't matter You could write it across the sky in letters that would soar a thousand feet high6 if you wanted to Of course you'd then have a problem with its long term preservation but it would still be a record.” “And a record documents what you ?” I asked writing furiously “What you did, what you discussed, what you decided Records provide evidence of what action you took; any communication you had with other people; and how you reach the decisions you made and communicated what those decisions were.” I thanked Colby for his help and as I left the building I glanced over my notes hoping that they'd make some sense later on What is a record? Anything in Any format that Documents what you Did what you Discussed what you Decided Then it hit me Like a smack in the face from a 2-ton van … The high visibility markings on the side of the road works van parked at the curb was mocking me “You knucklehead,” it seemed to call out “You knucklehead, Charlie.” I looked up and the blue birds flapping around my eyes finally focussed on the raven-hair firmly attached to the head of my old friend Carrie de l’Est7 “You knucklehead,” she said again “What did you think you were doing?” A few minutes later I was sitting in an arm chair in Carrie’s office, a packet of frozen peas from the convenience store downstairs pressed against my face to help keep the swelling down That was Carrie all over She loved small animals and she would never have been able to leave me lying in the street Carrie worked in the city’s client services area and we had a lot in common Carrie was a case worker and I was working a case I told her what I’d been working on “So you know you gotta keep stuff, Charlie,” she said, “but you want to know who has to keep what stuff and how you keep it? I think that in order to know that you first need to understand why you have to keep stuff.” “I guess we have keep stuff to comply with the law,” I said “Ah yes,” Carrie said “The ‘C’ word Compliance But we don’t things merely to comply with the rules Rules all have a reason behind them You don’t run with scissors just because your mother told you not to You don’t run with scissors because you could get hurt, or you could hurt somebody else.” “So why you as a case worker keep records?” I asked her “Why is recordkeeping important? As a case worker I guess you're really at the nitty-gritty end of the client services function then.” “I suppose you could say that,” she said “The reason the department exists is to support the clients that we case workers look after.” “No clients, no department then You must be really busy Too busy for something as uninteresting as keeping records?” “Yes,” she agreed, “we are busy We have a lot of clients Looking after them is our main priority but recordkeeping is still very important in helping us to that There are a lot of reasons for us to keep records but to me these four are the most important And they apply to everybody, not just to us case workers Firstly, records protect our clients’ interests They help us to plan how we can improve the services we provide to them They tell us what we're doing well, what we could better and they help to identify what we should be doing that we're not doing.” “Recordkeeping also enables us to share information between people who need to use it and who are authorised to have access to it Otherwise we can't give our clients the best service we can give them.” “Hmm,” I said “I hadn’t thought of it that way So, as far as you're concerned the most important reasons for keeping records are for the benefit of your clients then?” “That's right,” Carrie agreed, “but like everybody we're also accountable Carrie looked around to see if anybody was listening Then she gestured for me to come closer and she put her lips closer to my ear “Its part of the Code,” she whispered “The Code?” I said suddenly aware of the tension in the room you could slice and serve on a cracker “Yes, the Code The Code of Conduct The Code says that we’re all accountable Keeping records is important to help us to support that “So you could say that without records there is no accountability?” “Yes And without accountability where would we be?” I shrugged “Nowhere, Charlie,” she said “We’d be nowhere Finally, records represent the corporate memory of our organisation.” “Corporate memory?” I said “What sort of bureaucratic nonsense is that?” “I know it sounds a bit airy-fairy,” Carrie said “But none of us is here forever I'd like to think that when I leave I've made a difference In the long term the only thing I'll leave behind me are the records of the work I've done and the people I've helped Keeping records helps me to contribute to our collected body of knowledge.” “So in other words, everything that everybody in your office ever did for any of its clients is in its records But how you make time for recordkeeping when you're so busy looking after the clients?” “That's the amazing thing about keeping records,” Carrie said “We don't really notice we're doing it We all create records everyday but the most important thing is what we with them For case workers like me we keep records in the case management system.” “People who create traditional documents like Word and emails keep them in the document and records management system We use several systems that manage our information and they are all part of the corporate recordkeeping system.” “It actually doesn't take up any more time to keep records properly than any of us already spend doing in our daily work And when we keep them in their electronic format it takes up hardly any time at all What time it does take is more than made up for by the time we save trying to find information that hasn’t been managed well.” Now it all made sense Except for one small thing “It all makes sense, Carrie,” I said, “Except for one small thing What records does a person need to keep?” “I’m glad you asked,” she said “When I found you in the street just now, I went through a standard routine that those of us trained in first aid go through automatically.” “I’m sorry,” I said “I can’t remember a thing.” “That’s all right You were a bit out of it for a while there The routine is based on DRABC Danger, Response, Airway, Breathing, Circulation A simple thing really but it means we everything we need to in the order we need to it without stopping to think about it “We can the same thing for recordkeeping by using First Aid for Records It means we don’t have to stop and ask whether we need to keep something or not.” “First Aid for Records is based on ABCDE.” “A is for accountability As I said before, we’re all accountable and keeping records helps us to be accountable If a document supports our accountability we should keep it.” “B is for business activity Records need to be kept of every business activity or transaction we carry out in our daily work That could mean any activity from paying a bill or reporting on a complex investigation.” “C is for communication Every time we communicate with a member of the public or with another agency, and often people within our own agency, we need to keep it as a record.” “D is for decision-making Decision-Making 101 requires that we document the major decisions we make and communicate those decisions to the people who need to know about them.” “And finally, E is for expectation If we expect that something needs to be kept then we should keep it In fact a simple rule-of-thumb is that if we have to ask if we should keep it or not then we should keep it.” “I thought a rule-of-thumb actually had to involve a thumb,” I said “That’s right,” Carrie agreed “You need to ask yourself, what you are going to be up by the thumbs for Keeping it as a record, or not keeping it as a record?” “I see,” I said writing notes quickly into my notebook before I forgot “It’s easy to remember,” Carrie explained “A – Accountability, B – Business Activity, C – Communication, D – DecisionMaking, and E – if you’re still confused, What’s your Expectation?” “That’s easy to remember,” I said “I can make it even easier,” Carrie said “With the addition of a couple of dooh dahs, you can even sing it to the tune of Camptown Races.” “Probably better if I didn’t try that out in public,” I told her “The last karaoke bar I went to I was asked to leave.” I thanked Carrie for her help and promised to catch up with her again soon for a macchiato She said “OK, so long as it’s fair trade coffee and you bring the muffins.” “Fair enough,” I told her, “Mac and muffins it is.” “Just remember one thing,” Carrie added “There’s never been a judge who got up anybody for being too diligent in keeping records Only for not being diligent enough.” As I walked back out into the street quietly humming to myself I looked over my notes Oh Dooh Dah Day Why is recordkeeping important? Records help to improve services Records help improve efficiency through sharing information Records support accountability Records contribute to corporate memory What records should we keep? A – Accountability, B – Business Activity, C – Communication, D – Decision-Making, and E – if you’re still confused, What’s your Expectation Then it hit me Like a smack in the Achilles tendon from a runaway mobility scooter As I picked myself up from the ground I noticed the frail, white-haired granny trying to explain to the beat cop why she thought that a mobility scooter had the inalienable right to travel through pedestrian traffic at twice their speed … My head thumped like a tin drum as I limped my way back to the office It had been a long day and the night fell early under the gathering rain storm I was about to get drenched and I knew what I needed I changed direction I headed for my local The rain was dripping from the brim of my Trilby as I pushed through the door, the glare of the flashing neon lights reflecting like coloured stars from the drops slashing through the darkness The local was quiet A couple of kids in the back giggling quietly A guy drinking on his own in the corner booth and two goons sitting two booths up The goons went quiet as I walked in, their eyes following me across to the bar They looked serious and I tried not to look back at them even though their resemblance to each other was eerie Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber was all I could think of I perched my backside onto the bar stool “The usual thanks Romano8,” I said “You look like you’ve had a bad day,” he said noticing my shiner that probably glowed brighter than the neon outside.” “Better make it a double,” I said “Who’d a thought recordkeeping could be so dangerous?” “One double-shot, decaf, low-fat latte coming up,” Romano said while he banged the old grinds out of the coffee drippy thingy and topped it up with fresh stuff “Recordkeeping eh You should talk to Ol’ Burford9.” Romano pointed to the guy in the corner booth “Word on the street is that he knows records An’ not just stuff about who can slam down how many espresso shots in the shortest time either.” Suddenly I felt like I was being watched Romano appeared to be looking past my shoulder towards the corner booth I turned and saw the man beckoning to me I got up from the stool and walked over to him still feeling the eyes of the two goons in the other booth boring into me "I hear ya been lookin'?" the man said "Who's askin'?" "I hear ya been lookin' to clean up Clean up the messy recordkeeping." "I am," I said handing him my card "Who are you?" "I can help you,” he said He looked at the card, his eyes screwed into a squint as he held it at arms length “Detective, er … Um?” “The name’s Ulm,” I said “U-L-M Charlie Ulm Like Kingsford Smith’s co-pilot You know, the first flight from San Francisco to Sydney.” “Ah yes, Sydney,” he said “I once knew a young man from Sydney “And I suppose he drank till he ruined his kidney,” I added “He drank and he drank till he stank and he stank,” he continued “But he had fun doin’ it didn’e.” I concluded “I can help you,” he said “I see the problems around here I hear what goes on Most people just call me Old Burford That’s cos my name’s Burford and I’m old.” I sat down at the table “I know what a record is,” I told him “I know what records to keep and I know why we keep them Now I need to know what to with records.” “How to keep records and where to keep records is pretty much the same thing Records need to be kept in the recordkeeping system But the problem is it all comes down to rules Few people are following them.” “So why should records be kept in the recordkeeping system?” I asked “Why can’t I just keep records where I like? I would have thought that it was more important that I just kept them without having to worry about a recordkeeping system.” The old man sighed “Recordkeeping is not rocket science But even rocket scientists keep records.” “Let me put it this way,” he said “Take out your wallet.” I was hesitant but I did as he asked “Now give me all your money,” he told me “Don’t worry, I’m just going to look after it for you.” I didn’t move I’d been stung before Like that time with the email from the guy in Nigeria “What’s keeping you?” he asked “Don’t you trust me? What if I told you to put it all in the bank? Would you be more comfortable with that?” “I suppose I would,” I admitted “So what’s the difference? I’d have given you your money back, so would the bank.” “I suppose the bank has rules it has to follow.” “And that’s the difference between letting a stranger look after your money or even hiding it under your bed There aren’t any rules With the bank there are rules that the bank has to comply with so your money is protected.” “It’s the same with the recordkeeping system It applies rules to your records so you know they’re protected It applies rules that ensure the records accurately reflect the transactions they document Rules that ensure they’re adequate for the purpose for which they’re kept Rules to ensure they remain authentic Rules to ensure they’re complete, that they’re compliant with the legal environment they were created in That they’re comprehensive and they document the complete range of your business activities That they’re inviolate, they’re securely maintained to prevent unauthorised access, alteration or removal And that they remain meaningful They retain their context so anybody can correctly understand the transactions that created them.” “Wow!” I said as I furiously took down what he was saying “If you kept records any old way none of these rules would be applied.” “So what sort of rules are we talking about?” I asked “Saving a record means placing it into the recordkeeping system,” he explained “We this by applying explicit information to the record which establishes relationships between it, its creator and the business context in which it originated So the questions we ask include: Date of creation? Date of capture? Author? Access status? Related documents?” “The recordkeeping system uses this information to accurately re-trace the status, structure and integrity of the record at any particular time, and to show its relationships with other records.” “And don't forget that emails must also be saved as records If they contain information relating to your business they must be treated in the same way as any other form of record and saved in the recordkeeping system.” “The recordkeeping system applies rules about who can access the records What level of risk does the information represent? What is the likelihood that the wrong people will get hold of it? What would be the consequences if they did? The higher the likelihood and the more serious the consequences of information getting in the wrong hands, the more you need to restrict access But always remember, the more you restrict access, the harder it will be for the people who need the information to get it as well.” “Let me ask you a question What you think is more important? Stopping people getting at your information, or knowing that they did get it?” I had to think for a moment I remembered Old Burford’s comparison with putting my money in the bank “I guess that if my money was kept under my mattress nobody else would know it was there so it should be pretty safe But if somebody did get to it I wouldn’t know unless I looked and even then it would probably be too late to anything I guess I could make the money harder to get to by maybe putting a safe under the bed but that would only make it harder for me to keep an eye on it and more likely that the theft wouldn’t be noticed.” “On the other hand by keeping it in the bank, yes somebody could still steal it but there would be evidence that it was gone and an audit trail to show when and how it was stolen.” “Exactly,” he said “That’s what the recordkeeping system does It can’t stop every situation But it does keep an audit trail so you can tell that the information has got out and give you the chance to something about it any damage.” “So I guess it would be more important to know when people got your information than trying to stop them altogether.” “Another set of rules that the recordkeeping system adds,” Old Burford went on, “are the rules around retention and disposal.” “What’s retention and disposal?” I asked I soon regretted the question I felt it rather than heard it A movement behind me, a change in the atmosphere As I turned slowly Old Burford said softly, “Let me introduce you to the boys.” Behind me stood the two goons I’d seen watching me earlier Even close up I couldn’t tell them apart They had the same shifty eyes, the same set of the jaw, the same shock of red hair They even had the same scars on their cheeks although each on a different side “These are my boys, Red Lester10 and Blue Vinnie11 “Boys, this is Detective, er … Um?” “The name’s Ulm,” I said “U-L-M Charlie Ulm You know Smithy’s co-pilot.” “Oh yeah,” said Red Lester “We know Smitty.” “Used to run a game at the back of Kelly’s Bar and Grill,” added Blue Vinnie “Lester is a disposal authority,” said Old Burford, “and Vinnie is a retention schedule They always work together In the recordkeeping system we use them to … ah Well ….we use them to get rid of records that have … Ah Records that have outgrown their usefulness, so to speak “Yeah”, said Lester “I’m the Disposal Authority And my bruddah’s the Retention Schedule “He authorises the disposal of records according to my schedule” said Vinnie “One of us aint no good widdout the uddah but togedder, youse better be careful Togedder we make up the retention and disposal authority.” “But we don’t nuttin without de Keeper’s say so.” “The Keeper?” I asked “Yeah da Keeper of Public Records12,” said Lester “The Keeper authorises the disposal of records by issuing us.” “A bit like taking out a contract to ah, take them out,” said Vinnie “A contract covering the removal of records from operational systems Sometimes we can destroy them Sometimes we have to send them off to da big house The Archives.” “That’s for the records that have to be put away, poimanently.” “And we need to be used on a systematic and routine basis too.” “Otherwise the records will get out of control.” “We decide what records are to be kept.” “How long they gotta to be kept.” “And, at what point records can be destroyed.” “And we always carry out our business in a way that protects the confidentiality of any information the records contained.” I flinched as Lester reached under his jacket but I relaxed again as he pulled out a sheet of paper “We always keep a list,” he said “A record of the records destroyed, as well as a reference to the appropriate disposal classes This must be made and kept when records are destroyed “Thanks boys,” Old Burford said and much to my relief the two goons faded once more into the background “Without the recordkeeping system there would be no rules No rules means chaos.” “I see,” I said “There’s obviously a lot to this recordkeeping than first meets the eye A lot of hard work.” Old Burford shook his head “No,” he said “In the recordkeeping system most of this stuff happens without anybody even knowing its happening It’s actually a lot of hard work if you don’t keep records in the recordkeeping system But you have to make some fairly simple decisions when you save records Probably the most important is using the Classification Scheme.” “The Classification Scheme What’s that?” Old Burford pulled out his fob watch and flipped it open “Sorry,” he said “It’s late and they lock the doors at the retirement home in five minutes.” I called out as he hobbled towards the door followed closely by Red Lester and Blue Vinnie “How can I find out about the Classification Scheme?” Old Burford stopped in the doorway and looked back “Go and talk to Gordon the Foul Mouthed Chef,” he said “He runs Zola’s Restaurant over at the Ritz13 He’ll help you.” “Gordon the Foul Mouthed Chef,” I said “Isn’t he the guy …?” “No,” said Old Burford before I could finish “You’re thinking of the other guy.” With that Old Burford hobbled out into the street, the door swinging behind him leaving the café suddenly quiet Before I went to go back to the office I left Romano a tip “Always keep good records,” I told him “I always do,” he said “It’s one of the fundamentals of any business As the judge once told me, if you’re gonna business, you gotta keep records14.” As I walked out into the street I reread the notes in my notebook Keep records in the recordkeeping system The recordkeeping system ensures that records remain: - Adequate - Authentic - Complete - Compliant - Comprehensive - Complete - Inviolate - Maintained - Meaningful The recordkeeping system manages: - Access and Security - Retention and Disposal How did people ever get on without a recordkeeping system? I wondered Then it hit me Like a smack in the ear with a 10 pound atlantic salmon As I picked myself up from the ground and tried to shake the fish juice from my external acoustic meatus I knew that the Pike Place Fish Market in Seattle15 had a lot to answer for I figured that after the day I’d just been through the world owed me something, so I grabbed the salmon from where it had landed in the gutter, shoved it under my arm and headed for home A nice piece of atlantic salmon for my dinner, its skin fried to a brown crispness with a glaze of ginger, chilli and honey, served on a bed of rice with steamed vegetables on the side would partly make up for it … I woke late the next morning, my head aching from the shiner that was already turning purple My leg could hardly take any movement and my ear had a constant ring to it My mind was still wrestling with the case, trying to find a clue to a problem that seemed as old as religion What is a classification scheme? I figured it was time to visit Gordon the Foul-Mouthed Chef, but of course not to be confused with the other guy I found the chef in the kitchen of his restaurant, standing at the bench singing to himself as he chopped vegetables The other guy might have a bunch of Michelin Stars to his credit but this guy had a couple of Michelin tyres under the belt of his ample chequered pants “When the band plays Ha -il to the Chef16…” he was singing when he suddenly looked up “Oh! I’ve been expecting you Detective, er … Um?” “The name’s Ulm,” I said “U-L-M Charlie Ulm Like Kingsford Smith’s co-pilot You know, the first flight across the Pacific.” “Ah, the Pacific The largest of the Earth's oceanic divisions Its name derived from the Luso-Latin macaronic Tepre Pacificum, "peaceful sea", bestowed upon it by the Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan It extends from the Arctic in the “Doesn’t matter,” I interrupted I’ve been looking into a case that involves recordkeeping and I’m stuck on the business classification scheme Old Burford told me you might be able to help.” “So you have a problem with the business classification scheme,” said the chef “Frankly, so a lot of people But it’s really just a method of arranging information in a consistent way across an organisation.” “Classification of records based on function acts as a powerful tool to help us conduct business It provides links between individual documents collected for a continuous record of an activity.” “It ensures records are named consistently over time It helps in the retrieval of all records about a particular function or activity It determines security protection and appropriate access for sets of records It allocates user permissions for access to or action on particular groups of records It distributes responsibility for management of particular sets of records It enables the distribution of records for action And it determines appropriate retention periods and disposal actions for records.” “That’s good,” I said, “but it’s still confusing There are so many different terms How can I be expected to know them all?” “Try to think of classification in another way Like sorting for instance Here, let me give you an example I’m catering for a small dinner party this evening so why don’t you help me? I thought I might start with a very simple, but equally amazing, alphabet soup Before we can start though we need to pick up some things.” We walked across the street to Tyri’s Fruit and Veg Kefalo Tyri17 had been operating his fruit and vegetable shop on this spot it seemed since Socrates played centre for Athens against the Peloponnesians “Kalimera, Kefalo,” the chef called out “Kalimera, Chef” Kefalo responded, wiping his hands on his apron before grabbing the chef’s hand and shaking it within an inch of its life “And how is your family, Kefalo?” asked the chef “You know what Socrates said By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher” “Kefalo, this is Detective Um.” “Detective Um?” “Detective Ulm,” I corrected him “U-L-M Charlie Ulm Like the pilot.” “Ah yes Pilotis My wife, she does Pilotis but its not making no difference.” “You mean Pilates,” I corrected “Isn’t that what I said?” “Anyway,” said the chef “The detective is looking to find out about business classification so I thought I’d bring him over.” “Business classification,” said Kefalo looking at me as if he considered me the knucklehead I was starting to feel, “is just like sorting your apples from your oranges They’re your broad terms.” He pointed to the range of fruit on display “Here you’ve got your Grannies, your Fujis, your Pink Ladies and so on Over here are your Navels and your Valencias Your narrower terms.” “It would be pretty confusing,” the chef explained, “if all of the items in the shop were just put all over the place Merchants sort their items into different item types so it makes it easier for their staff to put things out on display and to make it easier for their customers to find what they’re looking for All the items have their own places on the shelves They arrange their goods into different classes They classify them.” “But business classification is not just about sorting,” continued Kefalo “It also defines a common vocabulary.” He picked up a melon from the display “Is this a cantaloupe?” he asked tossing it from one hand to the other “Or is it a rock melon?” The chef was busy filling a shopping cart and he picked up a purple fruit “Is this an aubergine or an egg plant?” he asked me before putting it back and picking up a bunch of green shoots “Spring onions or shallots?” “Actually,” Kefalo interrupted, “They’re neither a spring onions nor shallots The correct term is Scallion, or Allium fistulosum True shallots are considered to be the French Challot, Allium oschaninii, but other forms of shallot exist such as Allium ascalonicum These look more like traditional onions although their bulbs are segmented, similar to those of garlic bulbs Spring, or green, onions can in fact be any young onion, usually picked in spring, for which the bulb has not fully set So you see, just because we always call something by one name, doesn’t mean somebody else will know exactly what we mean.” “And by linking business classification to disposal,” the chef said pointing to the bag in his trolley, “we can work out how long we need to keep stuff for.” “Onions will keep for months provided the conditions are right,” explained Kefalo “Tomatoes on the other hand will only keep for a couple of days.” Suddenly it was starting to make sense “So the classification scheme is just a way of helping us sort out our records so we can find them again It defines a common vocabulary of terms and their meanings so everybody knows what everybody else is talking about And by linking it to the retention and disposal of records it helps to automate the process.” “Very good,” said the chef “Now, while you’re paying the bill would you mind picking up a copy of No Idea? I want to see what the Nigela has been up to lately.” … Back in the kitchen the chef put me to work preparing the vegetables for his soup “Using a classification scheme for keeping records is no different to sorting vegetables,” he continued “We classify records according to the functions of the organisation What the organisation’s role is Then we classify according the activities that support each of those functions What the organisation does When we classify records we need to look for the function that the information fits into and then the activity that is most suitable.” “Akirosan!” The Chef jumped as a voice seemed to come from nowhere It had a strangely Japanese accent “Chef has put tomatoes, water, vinegar, herbs and, it looks like alphabet noodles into the pot When I asked him what he was planning to make today he told me to stop annoying him and to go and get a real job.” “Thanks big fella,” a second voice responded “It looks like I was right Chef is cooking up a big batch of alphabet soup.” A female voice joined in “Mmmm mmm I can hardly wait to taste it That soup looks delicious.” “Brilliant,” the chef said trying to ignore the conversation “But one last important piece of information The classification scheme looks confusing But most people will only ever use a very small number of terms I’m a chef and when I go shopping I only shop for the food I’m going to cook I don’t worry about all the other items Keep it simple and choose the terms that most relate to your own work and only worry about them.” The chef poured us each a mug of soup to try He held his own mug up as if he were making a toast “Lubbly jubbly,” he said As I was about to leave one last question still remained niggling at my thoughts like a worm chomping through a bowl of fruit “Why they call you Gordon the Foul-Mouthed Chef?” I asked “You haven’t sworn at me once.” “With a name like Gordon Zola18,” he said, “what you think they’re going to call me?” It was still early when I hobbled out into the street so I decided to take a train back to the office The earth seemed to swallow the crowd down into its bowels as I followed them down the escalator On the platform I went over my notes The classification scheme: - sorts information by function and activity - defines a common vocabulary - links to retention and disposal Then it hit me Like a body blow from the 3:57 City Central Express I flinched, waiting for a blow to strike “Attention Platform The 3:57 City Central Express has been delayed and will now arrive in minutes City Rail apologises for any inconvenience” “Lucky”, I mumbled aloud to myself Rather than risk waiting I headed back out of the station and took a cab back to the office Although I now had plenty of answers I still had to find out one more thing, and to that I needed to gather together all of the usual suspects I needed to find out who was responsible … The private function room at Zola’s reminded me of one of those classic drawing room scenes you see in an old movie Comfortable leather arm chairs in front of a blazing fireplace A fox hunting scene above the mantle I’d asked Brie to gather up a group of people from her office and they were all waiting for me when I walked in Brie walked over to meet me, a study in scarlet19 as her red dress highlighted her strawberry blonde hair She introduced me to the other members of the group Mr Jarlsberg was the business unit manager From his bearing I guessed he was an ex military man and his yellow tie gave his complexion the colour of mustard kernels Mrs Pecorino20 was the CEO If Jarlsberg was the Big Cheese in the office then Pecorino was an even bigger cheese, the head honcho, the Godmother She looked all business in her suit of peacock blue Beside her was Colby, the records professional who treated records with a reverence nobody else could fathom He was also the office greenie and resident recycling nazi The youngest was the IT guy, classic Gen-Y geek although I preferred to think of them as Generation Why-y? with the ‘why’ having a minimum of two syllables But that could be because I always thought of myself as being from Generation Why Not? “Good evening Detictive, er … Um?” the IT guy said with a strong Kiwi accent and offering me his hand “Ulm,” I told him “U-L-M Charlie Ulm Made the first flight to New Zealand with Kingsford Smith.” “Ah yis,” he said “Kungsford Smuth.” He had an air about him that told me he’d spent more time at university than any professor, and the plum coloured polo shirt he wore over his jeans contrasted with the more formal office attire of the rest “My name is Edam21,” he said “Edam?” I replied “No, not Idam, Edam Like ‘Medam I’m Edam’ Ut’s a pilindrome” “A pilindrome?” I repeated “Ah! You mean a palindrome ‘Madam I’m Adam’ Your name is Adam.” “Thet’s corrict,” he said “Edam.” It was getting late and I needed to get this meeting under way I still needed to find out who was responsible I had five suspects already but I preferred to have six at these meetings Six was a number that just seemed to work better The door to the kitchen opened and Gordon the Foul Mouthed Chef walked in carrying a tray of delicacies to go with our coffee, his white cook’s jacket showing the stains of a hard day “Ah Chef,” I said “I know you’re not a part of this group but would you mind joining us please.” The chef was about to respond with something appropriate when he appeared to change his mind and accepted my invitation I started with a summary followed by slideshow presentation on everything I’d learnt about recordkeeping over the last couple of days What stuff had to be kept Why it had to be kept Where it had to be kept How it had to be kept “There’s only one thing left,” I said and looked at each of them in turn “Which one of you is responsible? Who is responsible for keeping records?” I turned suddenly for effect and pointed an accusing finger at the CEO “What about you Mrs Pecorino? Are you responsible?” “I suppose,” she said, “As the CEO I have the ultimate responsibility for the management of the records This would include the overall executive responsibility for the recordkeeping policy and standards, and for supporting their application throughout the organisation.” I turned my attention to the business unit manager “But she can’t actually keep all the records herself, can she, Mr Jarlsberg? Are you responsible?” Jarlsberg was taken aback “I-I guess not,” he said “Individual directors, managers and supervisory staff are responsible for ensuring that their employees create, receive and maintain records of functions, processes, activities and transactions They’re also responsible for ensuring that no records are inappropriately destroyed.” “What about the Records Office?” I said turning suddenly to the next suspect, Colby “Is the Records Office responsible?” “The Records Office is responsible for making sure that the recordkeeping policy and standards are current and relevant to the business needs and obligations of the organisation,” He said “We provide advice and guidance on recordkeeping practice We communicate to all employees about the recordkeeping policy and standards, monitor their application and take action to ensure that anomalies are corrected.” I looked across to Brie Would she buckle under the pressure? “And as a line manager, Brie,” I said “Are you responsible for recordkeeping?” “Of course,” she said “Managers at all levels are responsible for ensuring that appropriate resources exist within the business unit for fulfilling our recordkeeping responsibilities We need to communicate recordkeeping procedures appropriate to the business unit, we need to ensure that all of our staff have appropriate training in recordkeeping procedures and to ensure that these procedures are applied.” I looked over towards Edam, I mean Adam, the IT guy “What about IT?” I asked Are you responsible?” “Ut’s the responsibulity of the IT staff,” he said, “to maintain the tichnology used to support sustems thet cepture and keep ricords elictronically insuring thet all documents are reliable, available and accissible to staff.” “Well that’s about it then,” I said “You all have responsibilities associated with recordkeeping but who is responsible for actually keeping them?” I looked at each of them There was only the chef left “What about you Chef? Are you responsible?” “Well,” he said “Funny you should ask that? As a small business operator I have to keep records of a number of things I have to keep records to support my accountability to the tax office I have to keep records of my business activities I keep records to support my accountability for food safety Keeping records is a fundamental activity of every area of business In fact keeping records is the only activity that crosses over every aspect of business.” “So that means,” said the CEO, “that everybody is responsible for keeping records.” “And everybody,” added Brie, “is responsible for keeping records of their own activities.” “At last,” I said “No single person is responsible There are a number of responsibilities around recordkeeping but the responsibility doesn’t rest on any single person Recordkeeping is everybody’s responsibility.” … It was late when I returned to the office but I felt satisfied with another case resolved It had been a hard couple of days but as usual hard investigation had won out I was looking forward to a few well-earned days off Suddenly the phone rang I picked it up and held it against my bad ear and groaned in pain I swapped it to the good ear and answered “Charlie Ulm Detective Agency,” I said “No,” I said, “that’s Ulm U-L-M.” “Yes the pilot.” I listened for a few minutes before interrupting “No,” I said “I’m sorry but I won’t be taking on any new cases for a few days.” I recommended another guy who I knew would welcome the challenge and then I up the phone It wasn’t like me to refuse a new case but I needed to rest my black eye, put my weary foot up and take care of my salmon-flattened ear Somebody else would have to find out who moved the clients’ cheese.22 ~~~~ Cheese Notes and other references Brie is a soft cows’ cheese named after Brie, the French province in which it originated (roughly corresponding to the modern departement of Seine-et-Marne) It is pale in colour with a slight greyish tinge under crusty white mould; very soft and savoury with a hint of ammonia The white mouldy rind is edible, and is not intended to be separated from the cheese before consumption A true story It happened in my own department The files now undoubtedly form part of the landfill somewhere Jarlsberg is a mild cow’s-milk cheese with large irregular holes or what are commonly referred to as “eyes”, originating from Jarlsberg, Norway Jarlsberg has a yellow-wax rind and a semi-firm yellow interior The flavor is mild, buttery, nutty and slightly sweet Stilton is a type of English cheese, known for its characteristic strong smell It is produced in two varieties: the well-known blue and the lesser-known white Originally called Colby Swiss Cheddar, Colby cheese is a semi-hard cow's milk cheese native to the United States, although it is made in other regions of the world as well The cheese is often compared to cheddar cheese, since the two are both typically dyed to appear orange or creamy yellow, although the two cheeses taste very different Carré de l'Est is a French cheese originating from Lorraine Its place of origin and square shape give it its name (literally "square of the East") Carré de l'Est is produced from cow's milk and is aged five weeks It has a smokey bacon flavour with a white downy rind To Sir With Love Romano cheese is a type of cheese that is known for being very hard, salty and sharp It is usually grated It is different from normal cheeses because it requires more milk per pound, most water being lost in the process Old Burford is a mould-ripened cheese traditionally made from ewes’ milk Firmer when young, it develops a squishy texture after about 3½ weeks A tangy, chalky centre, with a soft rim like melted butter, encased in a delicate rind with a smidgeon of bite – this is a king among cheeses, an emperor to a camembert citizenry 10 Red Leicester is an English cheese, made in a similar manner to Cheddar cheese, although it is crumblier; it is coloured orange by adding annatto extract during manufacture Its mild flavour goes well with most food and wine or beer, and is good for Welsh rarebit 11 Dorset Blue Vinney (frequently spelled "vinny") is a traditional blue cheese made in Dorset, England, from skimmed cows' milk It is a hard, crumbly cheese "Vinney" is a local Dorset term related to the obsolete word "vinew", which means to become mouldy Another explanation has it that "vinny" is a corruption of "veiny", referring to the blue veins running throughout the cheese 12 The Keeper of Public Records refers to the senior authority for the oversight of records in your jurisdiction 13 Ritz Not really a cheese reference but what would a cheese be without a cracker to put it on 14 Sheinlin, Judge J Yes Judge Judy actually said that 15 Fish! A Remarkable Way to Boost Morale and Improve Results Lundin, S., Paul, H., Christensen, J 16 Fortunate Son 17 Kefalotyri (or Kefalotiri) is a hard, salty yellow cheese made from sheep milk and/or goat’s milk in Greece and Cyprus (cow’s milk is not allowed in the Cypriot version), although, a similar cheese Kefalograviera, which is made with cow’s milk, or a mixture of sheep and cow is sometimes sold outside Greece and Cyprus as Kefalotyri 18 Gorgonzola (Yes I know it’s a stretch) is a veined Italian blue cheese, made from unskimmed cow’s and/or goat’s milk It can be buttery or firm, crumbly and quite salty, with a ‘bite’ from its blue veining It has been made since the early Middle Ages, but became marbled with greenish-blue mould only in the eleventh century 19 A Study in Scarlet was Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s first story featuring Sherlock Holmes 20 Pecorino is the name of a family of hard Italian cheeses made from ewe’s milk The word derives from pecora meaning ‘sheep’ 21 Edam is a Dutch cheese that is traditionally sold as spheres with pale yellow interior and a coat of red paraffin wax It is named after the town of Edam in the province of North Holland, where the cheese is coated for export and for tourist high season 22 Who moved my Cheese? In case you missed this one it’s a reference to Spencer Johnson’s classic book on managing change ~~~~ If you enjoyed The Big Cheese and would like to read more, try:Short Stories - The Battlefield - The Billabong Incident - 3:14 am Novels - The Chance of a Storm - Song of the River Records Management - Gordon Ramsay and Alphabet (Expletive Deleted) Soup – The Future of Recordkeeping is Simple Allen Hancock was born in Adelaide, South Australia in 1952 He joined the Australian Regular Army in 1970 and spent the next 21 years moving around most areas of Australia He left the Army in 1992 and has been working as a professional records manager since then Allen has more than 40 years association with the records industry working with Federal and State Government agencies as well as in higher education and private enterprise  ... ensure they’re adequate for the purpose for which they’re kept Rules to ensure they remain authentic Rules to ensure they’re complete, that they’re compliant with the legal environment they were... make it easier for their customers to find what they’re looking for All the items have their own places on the shelves They arrange their goods into different classes They classify them.” “But business... mustard kernels Mrs Pecorino20 was the CEO If Jarlsberg was the Big Cheese in the office then Pecorino was an even bigger cheese, the head honcho, the Godmother She looked all business in her