1000 câu chuyện cười song ngữ anh việt

VUI H C TI NG ANH 1000 CÂU CHUY N CƯ ｉ＠ｓｏｎｇ＠ｎｇ ANH - VI T English Funny Stories “ Ch c có,” ng i àn ơng nói, “nh ng s nh th Tôi mu n y th y i u x y cho m t gã không nh u nh t, c b c ho c chơi gôn.” HOW TO LIVE? English Funny Stories CHUY N V CH NG THE BUM … A bum approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?" The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend in on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum "You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman "No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum "You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man "Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf." The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal The bum accepts eagerly While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?" "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf." K N MÀY … M t gã n mày ti n g n m t quý ông n m t sang tr ng ng ph “Này, ơng b n q, ơng có th cho hai ô la c không?” Ng i àn ông n m c sang tr ng tr l i:” B n s không tiêu ti n vào r u chè, ph i không?” “Không, th a ngài, không u ng r u,” gã n mày cãi l i “B n s khơng qu ng vào nh ng ván chơi tào lao, ph i không?” ng i àn ông th ng l u h i “ Khơng theo l i ó Tôi không chơi bài,” gã n mày tr l i “ B n s không tiêu hoang ti n vào nh ng kho ng phí hõm c a m t cu c gôn, ph i không?” ng i àn ông h i “Khơng bao gi ,” tên n mày nói, “tôi không chơi gôn.” Ng i àn ông h i gã n mày có mu n v nhà v i ông ta n cơm nhà không Gã n mày h m h ng ý Trong h ang i h ng v nhà ng i àn ông, gã n mày khơng th ng c tính tị mị “V ơng s không n i gi n bà y th y m t gã nh t i bàn n c a ông à?” "Darling," said the young man to his new bride "Now that we are married, you think you will be able to live on my modest income?" "Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered "But what will you live on?" LÀM SAO S NG? “Em yêu,” m t ng i àn ơng tr nói v i dâu m i.”Vì r ng c i nhau, em có ngh em s có th s ng b ng thu nh p khiêm t n c a anh?” “D nhiên, anh yêu, không c ,” cô ta tr l i “Nh ng anh s s ng b ng gì?” THEY HAD NO PRIVACY As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the base where he was working Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor "Give this to your husband," he said thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!" H KHƠNG CĨ CHÚT RIÊNG T NÀO C Khi m t c p v ch ng tr m i c i, ng i ch ng ng i v s ng m t khu nhà liên h p r ti n g n s ng i ch ng làm vi!c."i u phàn nàn ch y u c a h b#c t ng m ng nh gi y h khơng có c s$ kín áo."i u l hi n nhiên m t cách bu n vào m t bu i sáng ng i ch ng t ng ng i v t ng d i ang g i i!n tho i.Ng i v b% c t ngang b i ti ng chuông c&a i chào ng i hàng xóm “" a cho ch ng cơ,” ơng ta nói giúi m t cu n gi y v! sinh vào tay ta.”Anh y ã hét ịi 15 phút!” A HUSBAND WHO NEVER FEELS ASHAMED "I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife says to her lazy husband who refuses to find a job "My father pays our rent My mother buys all of our food My sister buys our clothes My aunt bought us a car I'm just so ashamed." The husband rolls over on the couch "And you damn well should be," he agrees "Those two worthless brothers of yours ain't never give us a cent!" M T NG I CH NG KHÔNG BAO GI BI T X U H “Em x u h v cách s ng c a chúng ta,” m t ng i v tr nói v i ơng ch ng l i – ng i t' ch i i tìm m t vi!c làm.” Ba em tr ti n thuê nhà Má em mua t tc n.Ch% em mua qu n áo Cô em mua xe cho Em x u h ” Ng i ch ng l n tròn i v ng “Và em nên ti p t(c ch) trích n a,” ng ý “Hai ông anh vô d(ng c a em không bao gi cho m t xu!” THE NEIGHBORS CAN NOT SEE YOU Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home" Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget However, after the first week, she began complaining again "Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all There are no curtains in the bathroom The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath." "Don't worry." replied her husband "If the neighbors see you, they'll buy curtains." HÀNG XĨM KHƠNG TH NHÌN TH Y EM C "ã c i m i n m nh ng v*n s ng m t c n h , ng i v th ng phàn nàn th# ta m!t m i v vi!c ti t ki!m t#ng xu mua m t “ngôi nhà mơ c” V i c g ng an i v , ng i ch ng tìm m t c n h m i h p túi ti n c a h Tuy v y, sau tu n l+ u, ng i v l i b t u phàn nàn “Joel,” cô ta nói, “em khơng thích nơi tí Khơng có t m phịng t m Hàng xóm có th th y em em t m.” “"'ng lo,” ch ng tr l i N u qu th$c hàng xóm th y em, h s mua màn.” WHERE’S THE SHOE? One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?" CHI C GIÀY ÂU R I ? M t bu i t i có m t ng i àn ông lái xe ch cô th ký v nhà sau cô ta u ng nhi u t i b a ti!c chiêu ãi quan M c dù ây m t hành vi vô t nh ng quy t %nh khơng nói cho v - ng i hay n i ghen d+ dàng – nghe T i hôm sau, ng i àn ông v ánh xe n m t nhà hàng Thình lình nhìn xu ng nh n m t chi c giày cao gót ,n m t n&a d i gh khách Không mu n b% ý, i t i lúc v nhìn c&a s tr c anh ta h t chi c giày lên qu ng kh i xe V i m t th nh nhõm, lái xe vào bãi u xe Chính lúc ó ý th y v loay hoay quanh gh ng i “Anh yêu,” cô ta h i, “ anh có th y chi c giày c a em không?” DUMMY HUSBAND A man asked his wife, "if you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?" "I'd love to be six again," she replied On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down Off to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake Then it was off to a movie: the latestHollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & M's What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened "You dummy, I meant my dress size." NG I CH NG NG NGH CH M t ng i àn ơng h i v :”N u em có th c m i th# th gi i m t ngày, em s mu n gì?” “Em mu n tr l i nh h i sáu,” nàng áp Vào bu i sáng sinh nh t nàng, ánh th#c nàng d y r t s m h i n m t công viên ch vùng "úng m t ngày vui! Anh ta t nàng lên m i th# trị chơi cơng viên: " ng tr t Ch t ng i, Vòng nhào l n Kêu thét, B#c t ng S hãi, m i th#! H t x,y! N m ti ng sau nàng l o o i kh i công viên, u óc quay cu ng b(ng nh l n xu ng H i vào m t nhà hàng McDonald, ng i ch ng g i m t bánh k p th%t l n thêm v i th%t ram m t ly sơcơla tr#ng khu y.Sau ó h i t i m t r p chi u phim: b phim thành công nh t, m i nh t Hollywood, hot dog, b p n , Pepsi Cola Qu m t cu c chơi tuy!t v i! Sau nàng i lo ng cho ng v nhà v i ch ng s(p xu ng gi ng Anh ta ngã ng i h i m t cách âu y m:” " y, em yêu, tr l i nh h i sáu tu i nh th nào?” Nàng m m t m t:” Oi anh ng ngh!ch, ý em mu n nói c- áo s sáu.” A NEW MACHINE The doctor asked the expectant father to try out a machine he had invented that transferred labour pains from the mother to the father Billy agreed and the machine was set up But although it was set to its highest setting, Billy felt not a twinge Later that day he went home to pick up a few items his wife wanted and discovered the milkman lying on his door step groaning in pain CHI C MÁY M I M t bác s h i m t ng i ch ng có v s p sinh r ng có mu n th& chi c máy ông ta m i sáng ch chuy n au t' ng i m sang ng i cha không.Billy ng ý chi c máy c cài vào.Nh ng m c dù chi c máy ã ch y h t công su t Billy c.ng khơng th y au n c Sau ó v nhà l y vài th# v yêu c u th y ng i a s a ang n m tr c c&a rên r) au n DRUNK Bob visited his friend Joe's house and was amazed at how well Joe treated his wife He told her several times how attractive she was, complimented her on her culinary skills and showered her with hugs and kisses "Gee," Bob remarked to his friend, "you really make a big fuss over your wife." "I started to appreciate her more about six months ago," Joe said "It has revived our marriage, and we couldn't be happier." Inspired by Joe's story, Bob hurried home, hugged his wife, told her how much he loved her, and said he wanted to hear all about her day Instead she burst into tears "Darling," Bob said, "whatever's the matter?" "This has been the worst day I've had for a long time," she replied "This morning Billy fell off his bike and hurt his ankle, then the washing machine broke down Now, to top it off, you come home drunk!" SAY Bob n th m nhà Joe kinh ng c tr c l i i x& t t c a b n i v i v Anh ta nói v i v nm yl n nàng h p d*n sao, ca t(ng tài n u n khéo léo c a nàng ôm hôn v nh m a “A,” Bob l u ý b n,”anh quan tr ng hóa v anh lên y.” “Tôi b t u ánh giá nàng cao t' kho ng sáu tháng nay,” Joe nói.”"i u ó làm s ng l i hôn nhân c a chúng tôi, h nh phúc n không th h nh phúc c n a.” Lây c m h#ng c a b n, Bob v i vã v nhà, ơm v , nói cho nàng nghe anh yêu nàng bi t bao nhiêu, nói anh mu n nghe m t ngày nàng làm vi!c sao.Thay vào ó nàng b/ng ịa khóc ”Em u,” Bob nói, “Vi!c x y v i em v y?” “ "ây ngày t i t! nh t c a em lâu nay,” nàng áp.” Sáng Billy té xe p b% au m t cá, sau ó máy gi t b% h Bây gi , thêm vào ó, anh l i say x)n v nhà!” HOW TO BUY A PRESENT? A man walked into a department store and told an assistant he'd like to buy a present for his wife "Certainly, sir," replied the assistant "Perhaps a dress or a blouse?" "Anything," said the man "And in what colour?" "It doesn't matter." "Size?" "Immaterial." Seeing the assistant's confusion, the man explained that whenever he bought his wife something she would always take it back to the shop and exchange it "Why don't you get a gift voucher instead?" the assistant asked him "Oh no," said the man "That would be too impersonal." LÀM TH NÀO MUA M T MÓN QUÀ? M t ng i àn ông i vào m t gian c&a hàng nói v i ng i bán hàng ông ta mu n mua m t quà cho v “" c, th a ơng,” ng i bán hàng áp “Có l m t áo m hay m t áo cánh c ch ng?” “Gì c.ng c,” ng i àn ơng nói “Cịn màu?” “Khơng quan tr ng.” “C-?” “Chuy!n nh ” Th y s$ lúng túng c a ng i bán hàng, ng i àn ơng gi i thích r ng m/i ông ta mua cho v ó bà ta ln em tr l i shop i “T i ông không mua m t phi u ã tr ti n thay vào ó?” ng i bán hàng h i “0 không,” ng i àn ơng nói “Nh th q vơ tình.” RELATIVES ? A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws." BÀ CON ? M t c p v ch ng lái xe i vài d m xu ng m t ng ng q, khơng nói m t l i.M t cu c tranh lu n tr c ó ã gây m t cu c tranh cãi, không ng i mu n nh n quan i m c a thua.Trong h i qua sân nuôi la heo, ng i v h i m t cách ch nh o: “Bà c a ông ph i không ?” “"úng,” ng i ch ng tr l i, “ Bên phía v ” YOUR HORSE CALLED LAST NIGHT A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head "I found a piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she said, furious "You'd better have an explanation." "Calm down, dear," the man replied "Remember last week when I was at the races? That was the name of the horse I backed." The next morning, his wife whacked him again "What was that for?" he groaned "Your horse called last night," she said CON NG A ÔNG G I T I QUA M t bà v i n phía sau ch ng v/ vào sau u ông ta ông ta ang u ng cà phê sáng.”Tơi tìm th y m t m nh gi y qu n ơng có tên Mary,” bà ta nói m t cách gi n d ”Ơng nên gi i thích.” “Bình t nh nào, em u,” ơng ta gi i thích.” Em có nh tu n qua anh xem ua ng$a khơng? "ó tên ng$c anh ánh cu c.” Sáng hôm sau, bà v l i phát m nh ông ta m t cái.”T i em làm th ?” ông ta rên r) ”Con ng$a c a ơng g i tơí qua,” bà ta nói WE’VE SAVED ENOUGH MONEY After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Darling, we've finally saved enough to buy what we started saving for in 1979." "You mean a brand new Jaguar?" she asked eagerly "No," he replied, "a 1979 Jaguar." CHÚNG TA Ã TI T KI M TI N Sau nhi u n m keo ki!t ti t ki!m, ch ng báo v i v m t tin m'ng:”Em yêu, cu i ã ti t ki!m ti n mua mà b t u dành n m 1979.” “Ý anh mu n nói m t chi c Jaguar m i ph i không ?” ng i v h n h “Không,” ng i ch ng tr l i, “m t chi c Jaguar i 1979.” DEATHBED CONFESSION Jake was on his deathbed His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side She held his fragile hand, and tears ran down her face Her praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly "My darling Susan," he whispered "Hush, my love," she said "Rest Don't talk." He was insistent "Susan," he said in his tired voice "I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no I must die in peace, Susan I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother." "I know," she replied "That's why I poisoned you." THÚ T I LÚC LÂM CHUNG Jake ang lúc lâm chung V anh, Susan, ang th#c gi c bên c nh anh ta.Ch% ang c m bàn tay y u t c a anh, n c m t ch y xu ng m t ch% L i c u nguy!n c a ch% ánh th#c anh kh i gi c ng Anh nhìn lên mơi nh t nh t c a anh b t u nhúc nhích “Susan yêu quý c a anh,” th m “Im i, anh u,” ch% ta nói “Hãy ngh) ngơi "'ng nói.” Anh ta v*n c ti p t(c “Susan,” nói v i gi ng m!t m i “Anh có i u ph i thú nh n v i em.” “Khơng có ph i thú nh n c ,” Susan khóc lóc tr l i “M i vi!c u n c , ng i.” “Không, không.Anh ph i ch t th n, Susan Anh ã ng v i em gái em, b n thân em m em.” “Em bi t,” ch% ta tr l i “"i u ó t i em u c anh.” AFTER THE HONEY MOON A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother "Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother "Oh mamma!" she exclaimed "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!" No sooner had she spoken the words then she burst out crying "But mamma as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home " "Now Sarah " her mother answered "Calm down! Tell me,what could be so awful? What 4letter words has he been using?" "Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home please mamma!" "Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!" SAU TU N TR NG M T M t c p trai gái tr c i i h ng tu n tr ng m t Khi h quay l i, l p t#c cô dâu g i i!n tho i cho m “Nào, tu n tr ng m t sao? “ ng i m h i “0, m !” cô ta la lên “Tu n tr ng m t tuy!t! R t lãng m n!” Ch ng m y ch c sau nói ta ịa khóc “Nh ng m … v'a t(i quay v , Sam b t u dùng ngôn ng kinh p nh t Anh y ã nói nh ng th# ch a bao gi nghe tr c ây! T tc u nh ng t' b n ch cái1 s ! M ph i n ón a v nhà … “ “Nào Sarah …” m cô ta tr l i “Bình t nh nào! Nói cho m nghe, mà s v y? Nh ng t' b n ch mà ã s& d(ng?” “"'ng b t k cho m nghe, m ” ng i gái khóc “Con ang th t b i r i! Nh ng ch ó d+ s ! M ph i n ón a v nhà … nghe m !” “Con yêu, ph i nói cho m nghe làm b i r i nh v y … Hãy nói cho m nghe nh ng t' b n ch kinh p này!” V*n th n th#c, cô dâu tr l i, “0, m … nh ng t' nh rác, gi t, i, n u n ng!” I HAVE TO SHOW HER … Everybody's heard of the Air Force's ultra-highsecurity,super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy They gassed up his air-plane, gave him a terrifying "youdid-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane only this time there were two people inside The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!" TÔI PH I CH RA CHO CÔ Y Có ã nghe v c n c# c$c k1 an ninh, siêu bí m t c a khơng l$c (M2) Nevada, c bi t d i tên g i ơn gi n “Vùng 51?” Vào m t bu i chi u mu n, ng i không l$c Vùng 51 r t ng c nhiên th y m t chi c Cessna h cánh t i c n c# “bí m t” c a h H l p t#c nh t chi c máy bay lôi phi cơng vào phịng th,m v n Câu chuy!n c a viên phi công c t cánh t' Vegas, b% l c phát hi!n c n c# s p h t nhiên li!u Không l$c b t u m t cu c ki m tra thông tin c n thi t c a FBI v viên phi công gi qua êm su t cu c ph ng v n Vào ngày hôm sau, cu i h tin r ng viên phi công l c th$c s$ không ph i m t gián i!p H cung c p nhiên li!u cho chi c máy bay, a cho m t ch) d*n s “anh ã không th y m t c n c#”, v i nh ng l i e d a s tù su t quãng i l i, nói v i Vegas có ng bay nh th , nh th , ti+n lên ng Ngày hôm sau, s$ b t ng không th tin c c a không l$c, c.ng chi c Cessna ó xu t hi!n tr l i M t l n n a, quân c nh bao quanh chi c máy bay … nh ng l n có hai ng i bên C.ng viên phi cơng ó nh y nói:”Các ơng làm tơi c.ng c, nh ng v ang máy bay ơng ph i nói v i y t i qua âu!” I JUST HAD A DREAM ABOUT IT … A young woman was taking an afternoon nap After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day What you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife Delighted, she opened it only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams" EM CÓ M T GI C MƠ V I U Ó… M t ph( n tr ng tr a Sau th#c d y, nói v i ch ng:”Em ã mơ úng r ng anh t ng em m t chu/i h t ng c trai ngày Valentine Anh ngh có ý ngh a gì? “T i em s bi t.” nói Chi u t i hơm ó, ng i àn ông i v nhà v i m t gói nh t ng v Ng i v vui m'ng m – ch) th y m t cu n sách t$a “Ý ngh a c a nh ng gi c mơ.” DON’T MESS WITH THE MAID A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid.After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam He has told me himself." The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing "And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!" "And I suppose my husband told you that, too?" "No, Madam," said he maid "Not your husband, the mail man!" NG L N X N V I NG I GIÚP VI C NHÀ M t quý bà Beverly Hills n i gi n cô giúp vi!c ng i Pháp Sau m t b n danh sách dài nh ng nh n xét khó ch%u v nh ng l/i c a cô ta n u n qu n gia, bà u i cô giúp vi!c Ng i giúp vi!c, v i dịng máu Celte, khơng th ch p nh n m t s$ l ng m nh v y i khơng có câu tr l i “Ch ng bà xem m t ng i qu n gia n u n t t bà, th a bà.Chính ơng ã nói v i tơi.” Ng i àn bà giàu có ch) nín nh%n khơng nói “Và n a,” gái gi n d ti p t(c, “ gi' ng gi i bà !” “Và cho r ng ch ng tơi c.ng nói v i i u ó?” “Khơng, th a bà,” ng i giúp vi!c nói “Khơng ph i ch ng bà, ông a th !” FRIEND FOR DINNER "Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married." B N NT I “Em yêu,” ch ng nói v i v , “Anh ã m i i b n n nhà ta n t i.” “Cái gì?Anh có iên khơng? Nhà c&a l n x n, em ch a i ch , chén a dơ, em khơng mu n n u m t b a n k1 khôi !” “Anh bi t h t r i.” “V y t i anh m i b n n t i?” “Vì th ng ng t i nghi!p ang ngh n vi!c c i v ” THE SECRET m t ng Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her." "Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her." "Oh dear!" sighed Jill "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me." I U BÍ M T Jill than phi n v i Nina:”Rosey nói v i anh r ng em nói v i ta i u bí m t anh ã nói v i em 'ng nói v i ta.” “À,” Nina tr l i v i gi ng t$ ái:” Em ã nói v i ta 'ng nói v i anh em ã nói v i ta.” “Ơi tr i!” Jill th dài “Thơi, 'ng nói v i ta anh ã nói v i em r ng ta nói v i anh.” THE STATUE A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door "Hurry!" she said "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room "Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water B CT NG M t ph( n ang n m gi ng v i ng i tình ta nghe ng'ơi ch ng m c&a tr c “Nhanh lên!” ta nói “"#ng góc nhà.” Cơ ta nhanh chóng xoa d u tr em lên kh p ng i sau ó r c b t talc lên ng i “"'ng c& ng cho n em b o anh,” ta th m “Hãy t ng t ng anh m t b#c t ng.” “"ây v y em yên?” ng i ch ng h i b c vào phòng “0, ó ch) m t b#c t ng,” cô ta tr l i m t cách th “Gia ình Smiths mua m t t phòng ng c a h Em r t thích, em c.ng mua m t cho nhà ta.” Khơng nói v b#c t ng n a, th m chí c khuya hơm ó lúc h i ng Vào kho ng hai gi sáng, ng i ch ng th#c d y, i vào nhà b p quay l i m t lúc sau v i m t bánh sandwich m t ly s a “"ây,” nói v i “b#c t ng” , “ n i ch# Tơi #ng nh m t th ng ng c nhà Smith ngày không a cho n c m t ly n c WISDOM TEETH One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth "Eighty dollars," the dentist says "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60." "That's still too expensive," the man says "Okay," says the dentist "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head "If I let one of my students it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday !" R NG KHÔN M t ngày kia, m t ng i àn ông b c vào m t phòng nha s h i giá nh r ng khôn “Tám m la,” nha s nói “"ó m t s l lùng,” ng i àn ông nói “Có cách r khơng?” “0,” nha s nói, “n u ơng khơng dùng thu c tê, tơi có th h giá xu ng cịn 60 la.” “Nh v y v*n t,” ng i àn ông nói “" c r i,” nha s nói “N u ti t ki!m thu c tê ch) lôi to t r ng v i m t k m tơi có th tính giá 20 ô la.” “Không,” ng i àn ông rên r), “nh v y v*n nhi u.” “H'm,” nha s gãi u nói N u tơi m t nh ng sinh viên c a làm thêm kinh nghi!m tơi cho tơi có th tính giá ch) 10 la.” “Tuy!t,” ng i àn ơng nói, “ t tr c cho v vào th# Ba t i !” HOW DID YOU DIE ? Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation The first man asks the second "So, how'd you die?" "I froze to death," says the second "That's awful," says the first man "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes But eventually, it's a very calm way to go You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head "That's so ironic," he says "What you mean?" Asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive." ÔNG CH T NH TH NÀO ? WHY MY MOM LEARNT TO PLAY CLARINET? Hai ng i àn ông i c ng ng c b t u m t cu c nói chuy!n Ng i th# nh t h i ng i th# hai: “Sao ơng ch t v y?” “Tơi b% óng b ng n ch t,” ng i th# hai nói “Th t kh ng p,” ng i th# nh t nói “Ơng c m th y b% óng b ng t i ch t?” “Tr c h t ơng c m th y r t khó ch%u”, ng i th# hai nói “Ơng b% run, ơng c m th y au t t c ngón tay chân Nh ng cu i s c m th y r t êm m i Ông b% tê cóng ơng c m th y ki u nh trôi i, nh th ông ang ng Cịn ơng sao, ơng ch t nh th nào?” “Tôi b% au tim,” ng i àn ông th# nh t nói “Ơng coi, tơi bi t v tơi ang l'a d i tơi, v y m t ngày xu t hi!n b t ng nhà Tôi ch y lên phịng ng , th y ta m t ang an Tơi ch y xu ng t ng h m nh ng c.ng không n p ó Tơi ch y lên t ng hai, nh ng c.ng khơng núp ó Tơi ch y h t s#c lên gác mái, nh ng tơi v'a n ó tơi b% m t au tim n ng ch t.” Ng i àn ông th# hai l c u “Th t m)a mai,” ơng ta nói “Ơng mu n nói gì?” ng i àn ông th# nh t h i “N u ơng ch) vi!c d'ng l i nhìn vơ máy p l nh hai ta h n ã cịn s ng.” Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him, "Awww, my honey is so depressed here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight and remember that this happens only once ok? don't think about it again." The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment, "She said this is not enough, she wants sixty." The wife's face slowly turns red with anger, "Damn that bitch when she was pregnant and her husband came over here I only charged him fifty " CÓ B U My parents recently retired Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday.A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead." "How come?" I asked "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing." T I SAO M TÔI H C CHƠI CLARINET? Ba m g n ây ngh) h u M mu n h c chơi piano, v y ba tơi mua cho bà m t ngày sinh nh t M t vài tu n sau, h i bà chơi àn nh th “0, ba m tr l i àn piano.” Ba nói, “ba thuy t ph(c m thay vào ó chuy n sang chơi clarinet.” “Sao v y?” h i “Vì,” ơng tr l i, “v i m t clarinet, m không th hát.” PREGNANT 137 gathered at the home of their coach who told them: - \"A\" will play the position of \"Forward\", \"B\" will be the Fullback, \"X\" will play \"Center-Forward, \"C\" will be the \"Center\" The coach\'s father was an ex- serviceman and overheard the coach He asked: - So, who will be the Section Commander? There are plenty of tickets on the black market! A football player sighed and told his wife: - This match is the deciding one If we can\'t beat team \"A\" it means we will lose the ticket to attend the final match His wife consoled him: - Well, there are plenty of tickets on the black market They are only a bit more expensive Let me help you! t t p " nhà i tr "ng i bóng Anh chàng i tr "ng nói: C u A chơi " v trí ti n o, c u B: h u v , c u X: trung phong, c u C: trung v Ông b c a c u i tr "ng i bóng v n m t c#u chi n binh, ang ng i g n ó nghe v y, li n h+i: Th a làm ti u i tr "ng Vé ch en thi u ! Anh chàng c u th bóng th" dài nói v i v : Tr n tr n quy t nh N u b n anh mà khơng th ng c i A k nh m t chi c vé vào d# vòng chung k t Cơ v an i : Ơi ! Vé ch en thi u ! Có i u m c m t tý em lo cho ! WHY DIDN'T YOU REFUSE IT? After the Football match, a player went home with a sorrowful face His surprised wife asked: - Why are you so sad? What's the matter? He answered sadly: - Today I got a Yellow card - So, did you want to get it? - Of course not The wife was upset: - If you didn't want to get it why didn't you refuse it? But you did accept it, so now you are sad HE IS HAVING TANTRUMS AGAIN A player was slightly bumped by a member of the opposing team The player turned round and round with a pained look on his face His mother, watching the game, laughed and said to the player's wife: - You see, your husband is having one of his tantrums again, just the same as when he was young I understand his temper A DIFFICULT SITUATION TO SOLVE The football match between two children's teams became "white- hot” Suddenly a little player ran to the main referee and said: - Uncle, I want to make water I ONLY WANTED TO ASK HIM A football player, who had chased a football referee, was accused of trying to beat him - Player "A" had already ran after the referee and beat him and you were running after the referee to beat him too, weren't you? - No, well, yes, it's true that I was running after him but, in fact, I only wanted to ask him if he was OK! WHOSE YARD DID YOU PLAY IN? Seeing her husband come home from a Football match, the wife asked: - How? Did your team win? The husband was joyfully showing- off: -We sure did win We had an easy situation because we played in our own "back yard.” - So, whose yard did you play in? YOU'LL HAVE TO PLAY IT QUICKLY The Football Player was coaxing his two- year old daughter: -Please stay home to enjoy the time by yourself Your mother will come straight home after work - So, where will you go? -Ah, daughter This afternoon I have to attend a Football competition match Be a good girl and stay home and I'll buy cakes for you when I come back -Yes! But you'll have to play it quickly and come back home to me because I'm afraid when I stay home alone! WHAT ABOUT HIS HANDS? The father showed his son a picture of football player "X" and said: I WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT YOU A player was telling his mother about the game scheduled for that afternoon 138 - This talented player can score with both his head and feet He is quite a scoring machine His small son naively asked: _ Dad, so what about his hands? YOU NEVER SCORE The angry son of a goalkeeper said to his father: - My classmates have fathers who are also football players But their fathers all make scores for their teams But you, you never score So how is it that you can still stay on the team? - Today we will play in a stadium with a roof, Mom! His mother replied happily: -Really? That's very good When you're playing won't have to worry about the hot Sun or rain and you won't get sick You always have your head bare and you play outside without a cap Rowing Your Boat Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat The driver blonde turned to her friend and said \"You know - it\'s blondes like that that give us a bad name!\" To this, the other blonde replies \"I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I\'d go out there and drown her.\" I Want to Buy That A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn\'t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn\'t serve blondes Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn\'t serve blondes The blonde asks the clerk, \"How in the world you know I am a blonde?\" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,\"That\'s not a TV it\'s a microwave! Blonde Car Accident One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck The truck\'s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires The blonde started laughing This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield This time the blonde laughed even harder Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what\'s so funny The blonde giggles and replies, \"When you weren\'t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!\" Are You Really Sure? A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, \"Wanna hear a blonde joke?\" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, \"Before you tell that joke, you should know something.\" Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde I\'m a 6\' tall, 200 lb black belt The guy sitting next to me is 6\'2\", weighs 225, and he\'s a rugby player The fella to your right is 6\'5\" pushing 300 and he\'s a wrestler Each one of US is blonde Think about it, Mister Do you still wanna tell that joke?\" The blind guy says, \"Nah, not if I\'m gonna have to explain it five times.\" Question and answer blonde jokes Q: How blonde braincells die? A: Alone Q: How you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down Q: How you change a blonde\'s mind? A: Blow in her ear Q: How you measure a blonde\'s intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear! Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: She drowns it Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat? A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row Q: How you amuse a blonde for hours? A: Write \'Please turn over\' on both sides of a piece of 139 Blonde Sky Divers A blonde and a brunette are skydiving The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -nothing happens She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells \"Oh! So you wanna race, huh?\" I'm going ice fishing! A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: \"There are no fish in there\" So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her \"How you know there are no fish there?\" asks the blonde So the man cooly says \"Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you\'re going to have to pay for those holes.\" A bribe for your professor A professor was giving a big test one day to his students He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying \"A dollar per point.\" The next class the professor handed the tests back out This student got back his test and $56 change Making an effort to help a "lonely" child Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other Sandy approached and asked if she was all right The girl said she was A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself Approaching again, Sandy offered, \"Would you like me to be your friend?\" The girl hesitated, then said, \"Okay,\" looking at the woman suspiciously paper Guess who knows the state capitals? A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States She proudly announced, \"go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them.\" A red head said, \"O.K., what\'s the capital of Wyoming?\" The blonde replied, \"Oh, that\'s easy, \'W\'.\" Boat troubles During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer A lecture about English A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day \"In English,\" he said, \"A double negative forms a positive In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.\" A voice from the back of the room piped up, \"Yeah, right.\" I Could Use a Little Money Dear Father, $chool i$ really great I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard With all my $tuff, I $imply ?an\'t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you Love, Your $on After receiving his son\'s letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy Do NOt forget that the pursuit of 140 Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, \"Why are you standing here all alone?\" \"Because,\" the little girl said with great exasperation, \"I\'m the goalie!\" Would you please move your cars? It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: \"Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing.\" Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: \"Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class.\" kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh Love, Dad A lesson about blood flow and circulation A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: \"Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.\" \"Yes, sir,\" the boys said \"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn\'t run into my feet?\" A little fellow shouted, \"\'It\'s because yer feet ain\'t empty.\" M t n a vé A HALF OF TICKET M t ng i àn ông i n nhà hát nghe hòa nh c A man went to the theatre for the concert At the ticket T i phịng vé, ơng ta nói v i ng i bán vé: office, he said to the ticket seller: - Xin vui lịng bán cho tơi m t n a vé! - Please sell me a half of ticket! - Tơi hi u ơng nói T i l i m t n a vé? -I don\'t understand what you said Why is a half of Ng i bán vé h+i ticket? - asked the ticket seller - Because my left ear has been deaf from last year I can - Vì tai trái c a tơi b i c t- n)m ngối Tơi ch có th nghe b'ng m t tai hear with only one ear AN ARITHMETIC PROBLEM 4-6-2005 A little boy bought a cricket by money that his par¬ents gave him In the arithmetic hour, the teacher asked him: - Your father gave you six cents Your mother gave you four cents How many cents you have now? - Teacher, I have a cricket now - Answered the boy A POEM 4-6-2005 A young poet came to the magazine editorial office and said to the editor: - I\'m sorry! I made a mistake and sent you the foodstuff bill instead of my poem -I thought it was a poem in modernistic language and sent it to the printing house - replied the editor THE LOST KEY 4-6-2005 At a restaurant, a guest said angrily: - Waiter! Why is this key in my soup? What you think of it? - Sir, I\'m very happy - replied the waiter - I have looked for it everywhere from yesterday Thank you very much! Thank you very much! It\'s lucky that you didn\'t swallow up it TENSE OF VERB In the English grammar lesson, the teacher asked: - What are the simple past tense and the simple fu¬ture tense of \"MARRY\"? A pupil answered: - Teacher, \"LOVE\" and \"DIVORCE\" Bài toán s h c M t c u bé ã mua m t d b'ng ti n c a cha m( cho Trong gi h c, th y giáo h+i c u bé: - Ba em cho em sáu xu M( em cho em b n xu V y bây gi em có xu? C u bé áp: - Th a th y, bây gi em có m t d ! M t thơ M t nhà thơ tr n tịa so n t p chí n nói v i biên t p viên: - Xin l i! Tôi ã nh m l n g i cho anh t hóa ơn th#c ph m thay thơ c a Biên t p viên áp: - Tơi t "ng ó thơ b'ng ngơn ng* hi n i g i i nhà in r i Chi c chìa khóa b m t T i m t nhà hàng, m t ng i khách t c gi n nói: - Anh b i! T i chi c chìa khóa l i " súp c a tơi? Anh ngh0 v vi c này? - Th a ngài, r t vui s ng - Ng i h u bàn tr l i – Tơi ã tìm ki m kh p nơi t- hôm qua n gi Cám ơn ông nhi u! Cám ơn ông nhi u! Th t may m n ông ã không nu t m t THÌ C!A "NG T# Trong gi v)n ph m Ti ng Anh, th y giáo h+i: - Thì kh ơn gi n t ơng lai ơn gi n c a :”K t Hơn” gì? M t h c sinh tr l i: - Th a th y “Yêu” “Ly D ” 141 BEHAVIOUR A mother asked sadly her son: - In all subjects, you got good marks Why was your behaviour bad? Her son answered: - With the subject of behaviour, I couldn\'t look at my friends\' exercise to copy SOAP The teacher asked: - John, what are four basic elements in the nature? John answered: - Teacher, fire, air, soil and and - And what? Try to remember! - And And And The teacher knew that his pupil couldn\'t tell the fourth element that is water Therefore, he gave a hint: - What you clean your hands by? John replied: - Teacher, soap! SUPREME RULER A boy asked his friend: - Who\'s the supreme ruler of beasts? - Too easy! Tiger Is it right? or lion? - No, the supreme ruler of beasts is the director of zoo H$NH KI%M M t ng i m( bu n r u h+i trai : -Trong t t c môn ,con u c i m t t.T i h nh ki m c a l i x u ? Con trai c a bà tr l i : -V i môn h nh ki m, không th nhìn làm c a b n chép c XÀ BÔNG Th y giáo h+i: -Tohn, b n nguyên t b n thiên nhiên gì? John tr l i : -Th a th y, l a ,khơng khí , t và -Và gì?C nh xem ! -Và và Th y giáo bi t h c trị c a khơng nh nguyên t th t n c.Vì th , th y g i ý: -Em r a tay b'ng gì? John áp : -Th a th y,xà bơng! CHÚA T% M t c u bé h+i b n : -Chúa t loài thú ai? -Quá d/ ! C p úng không? Hay s t ? -Không, chúa t c a lồi thú ơng giám c s" thú Pretend Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency So one day out on the lack he said to his wife “Please take the wheel, dear Pretend that I am having a heart attack You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it.” So she drove the boat to shore Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, “Please go into the kitchen, dear Pretend I’m having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash dishes.” Elevator A village boy and his father were visiting a mall They were amazed by almost everything they saw, especially two shiny walls that could move apart, and back together again The boy asked his father, “ What is this father?” The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.” C cho r&ng M!c d u v ch ng ó r t thích i chi c thuy n ánh cá m i c a h v i nhau, nh ng ng i ch ng th ng ng i ng i sau tay láI i u n thuy n Anh ta lo l ng v i u có th x y tr ng h p kh n c p Vì th m t ngày ang " gi*a h nói v i v r'ng: “ Hãy c m l y bánh lái, em yêu C cho r'ng anh ang b au tim Em thuy n vào b m t cách an toàn cho vào b n.” Ng i v lái thuy n vào b n Sau ó vào bu,i t i, ng i v i vào phòng khách nơi ng i ch ng ang xem tivi Ch ng i xu ng c nh ch ng, ,i kênh truy n hình, nói v i anh: “Hãy i xu ng b p, anh yêu C cho r'ng em ang b au tim nên d n bàn, n u b*a t i r a bát 0a.” Thang máy Hai b t- quê t i th)m m t khu ph buôn bán D ng nh t t c nh*ng h trơng th y u n h thích thú ng c nhiên, !c bi t hai t m vách sang có th tách r i r i l i khép khít nh c% “ ó y h b ?” C u trai h+i b Ng i b (ch a t-ng nhìn th y thang máy bao gi ) tr l i: “Con trai, b ch a t-ng nhìn th y nh v y 142 i B khơng bi t gì?” Trong c hai b u ang tr n m t nhìn, m t bà lão run r y ch ng g y, b c ch m ch p t i ch hai t m vách chuy n ng n vào m t nút Hai t m vách m" ra, bà lão i qua hai cánh c a b c vào m t c)n phòng nh+ Hai t m vách khép l i C u bé b th y nh*ng vòng trịn nh+ v i nh*ng s phía t m vách sáng lên H ti p t c th y nh*ng vòng tròn gi l i sáng lên nh ng theo chi u ng c l i Hai t m vách m" ra, m t gái tóc vàng xinh (p b c ra… Ông b v i nói v i c u trai: “Hãy mang m( mày t i ây mau!!!” M t v' c p xe The carjacking xe ô tô An elderly woman did her shopping and, upon returning M t bà c i mua s m xong, quay tr" l i nơi c a C th y b n gã àn ông ang nh b+ i b'ng to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with chi c xe c a c C ánh rơi túi hàng, rút kh u song her vehicle She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun, and proceeded to scream at them at the top of ng n ra, t i g n g ng h t s c hét lên: -“ Tơi có m t kh u súng tay tơi bi t cách dùng her voice, nó! Hãy kh+i chi c xe, c!n bã!” “I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the B n gã àn ông không i l i m i t i l n th hai mà v i car, you scumbags!” The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation but got vã kh+i xe ch y nh iên Bà c run r y, t i !t túi hàng phía sau xe vào ch lái Vì l p c p, bà c out and ran like mad The woman, somewhat shaken, không th c m c chìa khóa vào , khóa Bà ã th i, proceeded to load her shopping bags in the back of the car and get into the driver’s seat She was so shaken that th l i nh ng v n ch$ng ích she could not get her key into the ignition She tried and Và r i bà c%ng hi u nguyên Vài phút sau, bà th y xe c a sau ó kh+ang b n n n)m ch xe tried, to no avail/ Bà ch t túi c a lên xe lái t i n công an g n And then it dawned on her why A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces father nh t down She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the V trung s0, ng i mà nghe bà thu t l i câu chuy n, g n nh c i v b ng a tay ch v phía cu i dãy bàn police station ti p tân, nơi b n ng i àn ông m!t xanh mét ang trình The sergeant, to whom she told the story, nearly tore báo v v c p xe m t bà lão iên c t l i nh himself in two the other end of the counter, where four pale males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly sau: tr ng, th p n)m feet, eo kính, tóc b c, xo)n c m m t kh u súng l c l n woman described as white, less than five feet tall, c l u glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun Khơng th y có v t n cơng nh th h sơ No charges were filed Thì th m Whisper A mother took her little boy to church While in church M t ng i m( d n a trai nh+ c a t i nhà th Trong bu,i l/, c u bé nói: the little boy said “M( ơi, mu n i ái.” “Mommy, I have to pee.” The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to “T- ‘ ái’ không thích h p nói bu,i l/ T- gi tr" i mu n ‘ i ái’ ch nói v i m( r'ng say the word ‘pee’ in church From now on when you ph i th m.”, ng i m( nói v i a tr have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to whisper.” Ch nh t sau, bé trai ó l i i nhà th v i b The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, bu,i l/ c u bé nói v i b : “B mu n th m.” : “Daddy, I have to whisper.” B c u nhìn c u nói: The father looked at him and said, “ c thơi, khơng th m vào tai b ” “Okay, why don’t you whisper in my ear.” While the boy and his father were watching wide- eyed, an old lady, limping slightly, and with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls, and presses a button The walls opened, and the lady walks between them, into a small room The walls closed The boy and his father watched as small circles of lights with numbers above the wall light up They continued to watch the circles light up, in reverse direction now The walls opened up again, and walls opened up again, and a beautiful young blonde steeped out… The father said to his son, “Go get your mother!!!” How can he explain it? An old gentleman was walking slowly along a street Ông c' bi t gi i thích ây M t ngày n , có m t ơng lão ch m rãi i b d c theo khu 143 one day when he saw a little boy who was trying to reach a door bell which was too high for him He was a kind – hearted old man, so he stopped and said “I will ring the bell for you.” And then he pulled the bell so hard that it could be heard all over the house The little boy looked up at him and said “ Now we will run away Come on” And before the old gentleman knew what was happening, the naughty boy had run round the corner of the street, leaving the man to explain to the angry owner of the house why he had rung the bell ph ch t trơng th y m t c u bé ang c g ng v i tay kéo chng c a treo q cao i v i Ông lão m t ng i t t bong nên d-ng l i nói: “ Ta s& kéo chng cho cháu” Sau ó c kéo chng th t m nh n ti ng chuông kêu vang kh p ngồi nhà C u nh+ ng c nhìn lên ơng d c: - “ Bây gi ph i ch y Nào ch y thôi.” Và tr c ông lão k p hi u câu chuy n c u bé ng ngh ch ã ch y vịng qua góc ng, m!c ông lão ang phân tr n v i ch nhà ang b#c lí t i ơng l i kéo chuông Awful word A young couple gets married, goes on a cruise for their honeymoon Back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately calls her mother “Well, darling,” says her mom, “how was th honeymoon?” “ Oh, mother,” the girl replies, “ the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic We had a terrific time But as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language Stuff I’d never heard before; really terrible words You’ve got to come and get me and take me home PLEASE, mother!” And the bride begins to sob all over again “Poor darling,” says the mother “ What words?” “ I can’t tell you, mother – they’re too awful Come and get me, please!” “ Darling daughter,” the mother continues “ You must tell me what has you so upset Tell mother What were the words?” Still sobbing, the bride says, “Words like ‘dust’, ‘wash’, ‘iron’, and ‘ cook’!” I didn’t want to walk home Mrs Brown’s old grandfather lived with het and her husband Every morning he went for a walk in the park and came home at half past twelve for his lunch But one morning a police car stopped outside Mrs Brown’s house at twelve o’clock, and two policemen helped Mr Brown to get out One of them said to Mrs Brown “The poor old gentleman lost his way in the park and telephoned to us for help, so we sent a car to bring him home.” Mrs Brown was very surpirsed, but she thanked the policemen and they left “ But, Grandfather,” she then said, “you have been to that park nearly every day for twenty years How did you lose your way there?” The old man smiled, closed one eye and said, “I didn’t Nh ng t( kh ng p M t c!p v ch ng tr i du ngo n b'ng tàu bi n h "ng tu n tr)ng m t V-a h t tu n tr)ng m t tr" v , cô dâu l p t c g i i n tho i cho m( -“ , yêu, tu n tr)ng m t th nào?”, m( cô dâu h+i -“ M( ơi, tu n tr)ng m t r t t v i! R t lãng m n, chúng ã có m t th i gian nh Nh ng chúng tr" v , Sam b t u dùng th ngôn ng* th#c s# kh ng p mà tr c ây ch a t-ng nghe th y; ó th#c s# nh*ng t- kh ng p M( ph i t i ây, c u mang v Con xin m( y!” V-a d t l i cô dâu l i s t sùi tr" l i -“Kh, thân Th nh*ng t- cơ? Ng i m( h+i -“Con khơng th nói v i m( c – chúng kh ng p Hãy t i ây c u con, xin m( y!” -“Con gái yêu, ph i nói cho m( bi t i u ã làm bu n kh, n v y Hãy nói cho m( bi t nh*ng t- ó gì?”, ng i m( kiên nh n h+i -“Nh*ng t- nh ‘hút b i’, ‘gi!t gi%’, ‘là qu n áo’ ‘ n u )n!”, cô dâu v-a s t sùi v-a tr l i Ông không mu n i b v) nhà Ông n i c a bà Brown s ng chung v i v ch ng bà Sáng ông c c%ng i b công viên tr" v nhà lúc 12 gi 30 dùng cơm tr a Nh ng m t bu,i sáng n có m t xe c nh sát d-ng tr c c a nhà bà Browm lúc 12 gi , hai c nh sát giúp c Brown xu ng xe M t hai c nh sát nói v i bà: -“ Ơng c th ơng l c ng công viên g i i n nh chúng tơi giúp th ã cho xe n ch" ông c v ây.” Bà Brown r t ng c nhiên nh ng c%ng c m ơn hai viên c nh sát h i v Sau ó bà nói v i ông n i: - “Nh ng n i à, g n nh ngày n i c%ng i d o t i cơng viên ó su t 20 n)m Làm mà n i l c ng " ó c?” Ông c m m c i, nheo m t nói: -“ N i âu có l c ng N i ch m+i m t không 144 quite lose my way I just got tired and I didn’t want to walk home!” I’m here already Mary wanted to be a nurse when she lefl school, but in the meantime, she joined the Red Cross and had some limited training She was taught that, in case of an accident – and they were plentiful in her town – she should give first aid at once and then send for a doctor One day, there was an accident in a busy street, and when Mary arrived soon after, she saw a man bending cover a woman who had been accidentally knocked down by a car and was lying motionless in the street Mary ran up, pushed the man away, informed the crowd that she was a Red Cross nurse and began to help the wounded woman After a few minutes, the man who had been bending over the woman when Mary arrived touched her on the shoulder and said “When you reach the part about sending for a doctor, don’t worry I’m here already.” mu n i b v nhà thôi!” Jesus, help me please… A little boy was afraid of the dark One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom A little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there It’s dark.” The mother smiled reassuringly at her son - “ You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained “Jesus is out there He’ll look after you and protect you.” The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “ Are you sure he’s out there?” - “Yes, I’m sure He is everywhere And he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little Peering out into the darkness, he called “ Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?” Lullaby Joe and Helen Mills had two children One of them was six, and the other was four They always resisted going to bed, and Helen was always complaning to Joe about this, but as he did not come home from work until after they had gone to bed during the week, he was unable to help except at weekends Joe considered himself a good singer, but really his voice was not at all musical However, he decided that, if he sang to the children when they went to bed, it would help them to relax, and gradually they would go Jesus, xin giúp tơi… Có m t c u bé r t s bóng t i M t êm m( sai c u ngòai c,ng sau mang ch,i quét sàn vào C u bé quay sang m( ph ng ph u: -“ M(, khơng ngịai ó âu Tr i t i l m.” Ng i m( m m c i n c u bé yên tâm r i gi i thích: -“ Con khơng vi c ph i s bóng t i h t Jesus " ngịai ó Ng i s& nom b o v con.” C u bé nhìn m( th t nghiêm túc h+i: -“ M( có ch c ơng ta " ngịai ó không?” -“ T t nhiên, m( ch c ch Ng i có m!t " m i nơi, Ng i s1n sàng giúp c n n Ng i”, ng i m( tr l i C u bé ngh0 v i u ó m t phút sau ó i c a sau r i m" cánh c a m t chút Nhìn ngồi bóng t i, c u g i: -“ Jesus? N u ơng " ngịai ó, ơng có th a cho ch,i c không? Tôi ã có m t ây r i Cơ h c sinh Mary mu n tr" thành y tá h c xong ph, thông, nh ng th i gian i h c cô ã gia nh p H i ch* th p + c%ng c t o chút it Cơ c d y có tai n n – mà th ng " th tr n nơi cô " x y r t nhi u tai n n – ph i ti n hành c p c u ngay, sau ó chuy n ng i b n n t i cho bác s0 M t hơm có m t tai n n x y m t khu ph r t ông ng i, Mary n th y có m t ng i àn ông ang cúi ng i m t ph n* ang n'm b t ng ng b ô tô âm ph i Mary v i ch y l i, y ng i àn ông ra, thông báo v i m i ng i r'ng cô y tá c a H i ch* th p + b t u c p c u ng i b n n M t vài phút sau, ng i àn ông lúc tr c ã cúi xem ng i ph n* Mary n ch m vào vai nói: - “ n lúc c n n bác s0 -ng lo nhé! Tơi ã có m!t " ây r i.” Khúc hát ru Joe Helen Mills có hai a nh+ M t a lên sáu a lên b n Chúng ch ng l i l nh b t i ng Helen r t hay phàn nàn v i Joe v i u Nh ng nh*ngngày làm vi c tu n không bao gi Joe v nhà tr c gi chúng i ng , anh khơng giúp c cho Hellen tr- nh*ng ngày cu i tu n Joe c t# cho m t ca s0 gi+i, nh ng th#c gi ng c a ch$ng có nh c i u chút Tuy nhiên anh v n kh$ng nh r'ng n u anh hát cho b n tr nghe chúng i ng ch c s& giúp chúng tho i mái tinh th n 145 to sleep He did this every Saturday and Sunday night until he heard his small son whisper to his younger sister “ If you pretend that you’re asleep, he stops!” The magician & the parrot A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean He has a different audience each week, so he allowed himself to perform the same act over and over again There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of every show “Look, that’s not the same hat!” “Now he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?” The magician was furious but couldn’t anything about it After all, it was the captain’s parrot One day the unthinkable happened: The ship had an accident and sank! The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot of course! They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a single word This went on for days After a week the parrot finally broke the silence and said, “Ok, I give up, Where’d you hide the boat?” The best time for apples It was the first lesson after the summer holidays at a small school The lesson was about the seasons of the year, the teacher said: “ They are Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter In Spring, it is warn and everything begins to grow In Summer it is hot and there are many flowers in the fields and gardens In Autumn there are many vegetables and much fruit Everybody likes to eat fruit In Winter it is cold and it often rains Sometimes there is snow on the ground.” Here the teacher stopped and looked at one of the pupils “ Stop talking, Tom,” he said “ When is the best time for apples?” “ It is when the farmer is not at home and there is no dog in the garden.” Answered Tom Secret A man was telling one of his friends the secret of his contented married life d n d n i vào gi c ng T i th b y, ch nh t Joe c%ng làm nh v y cho n m t êm anh nghe th y c u trai th m v i em nó: - “ N u em c gi v ng r i b s& ng-ng hát y!” *o thu t gia v t M t o thu t gia làm vi c m t tàu ch" hành khách i du ngo n vùng bi n Caribbean M i tu n l i có m t l t khán gi khác, b"i v y t# cho phép c di/n i di/n l i m t trị Ch có m t v n nh t là: v(t c a viên thuy n tr "ng xem trò di/n hàng tu n b t u hi u cách mà nhà o thu t di/n trò M i hi u ra, l i b t u gào lên di/n ch a k t thúc: -“Hãy nhìn xem, ó khơng ph i chi c m% lúc nãy!” -“Lúc ang gi u nh*ng bơng hoa ó " d i bàn ý!” -“Này, t i t t c quân u có hình át pích v y?” Anh ta r t b#c nh ng khơng th làm v(t Vì suy cho cùng, v(t c a thuy n tr "ng M t hôm, chuy n ch a t-ng c ngh0 t i ã x y ra: Con tàu g!p n n chìm! 2o thu t gia th y ang lênh ênh gi*a i d ơng m t ván g , t t nhiên v(t c%ng có " ó! H gi ơng m t nhìn m t cách c)m ghét, nh ng khơng nói v i m t l i i u ó di/n nhi u ngày, Sau m t tu n v(t phá v s# im l!ng nói: - “Thơi c, thua r i y Anh ã gi u tàu " âu v y?” Mùa t t nh t cho táo ang gi h c u tiên sau k3 ngh hè t i m t tr ng nh+ Bài h c nói v mùa n)m Cơ giáo gi ng: - “ M i n)m có b n mùa, ó là: mùa xuân, mùa h , mùa thu mùa ông Mùa xuân tr i m áp mn lồi n y n" sinh sơi Mùa hè tr i nóng n#c, có r t nhi u rau qu , c%ng thích )n hoa qu Mùa ông tr i l nh th ng có m a, cịn có t rơi m!t t.” Gi ng n ây, giáo nhìn m t h c sinh nh c nh" r i h+i: -“ Tom, khơng nói chuy n n*a Vào mùa táo t t nh t h ?” -“ Mùa táo t t nh t là….là ông ch v n khơng có nhà c%ng khơng có chó " ngịai v n ” Bí Quy t M t ng i àn ông ti t l v i b n bí m t cu c s ng v ch ng th+ai mái c a 146 -“V tơi quy t inh nh*ng vi c nh+, cịn tơi quy t nh nh*ng vi c l n, nên ch$ng bao gi làm phi n t i công vi c c a c%ng không bao gi th y b#c v c Chúng tơi khơng h phàn nàn hay cãi bao gi ” ông ta tâm s# -“Nghe có v c y!” ng i b n tán th "ng “Th v anh quy t nh nh*ng vi c nào?” -“ bà y quy t nh xem ph i xin làm vi c gì, chúng tơi s ng " âu, s& mua nh*ng c gì, i ngh " âu, i lo i nh*ng vi c nh th ,” ng i àn ông tr l i -“V y à? Th anh cho nh*ng vi c quan tr ng?” ng i b n ng c nhiên h+i -“Thì tơi quy t nh nh*ng vi c nh s& th t ng, li u có nên t)ng c ng giúp nh ng n c nghèo hay không, ph i làm v i v n bom h t nhân, nh*ng vi c i lo i nh th ,” ng i àn ông tr l i Nh m t ng i l ch s+? Like a gentleman? Dick was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was Dick lên b y tu,i em gái Catherine c a lên n)m M t hơm, m( c a chúng a chúng t i chơi " nhà dì five One day their mother took them to their aunt’s house to play while she went to the big city to buy some bà i thành ph l n mua qu n áo m i L% tr chơi c m t gi ng h cho n lúc b n r i new clothes ng i dì d t Dick vào b p Ch a cho m t The children played for an hour, and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchen She gave him bánh ng t r t (p m t dao r i b o: “ Này, dao ây Dick Hãy c t chi c bánh làm hai r i a nice cake and a knife and said to him, a m t ph n cho em cháu Nh ng nh ph i làm vi c “ Now here’s a knife, Dick Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but remember to nh m t ng i l ch s# y nhé.” “Nh m t ng i l ch s á? V y nh ng i l ch s# it like a gentleman,” ph i làm th cơ?” “Like a gentleman?” Dick asked “How gentleman “H a mi ng to cho ng i kia,”dì tr l i it?” “They always give the bigger piece to the other person,” l p t c “ , th á?” Dick ph n ng C u ta suy ngh0 v chuy n answered his aunt at once vòng vài giây R i c u ta mang chi c bánh a “Oh,” said Dick He thought about this for a few cho em r i nói: seconds Then he tool the cake to his sister and said to “Hãy c t chi c bánh làm hai i, Catherine.” her, “Cut this cake in half Catherine.” N i quy quan The office rules Bill Jenkins làm vi c t i m t quan l n thành Bill Jenkins worked in a big office in the city, and ph , th ng anh chàng hay i h t tóc gi generally he used to go to the barber’s during working hours to have his hair cut, although this was against the làm vi c M!c dù i u trái v i n i quy quan: rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time nhân viên ph i c t tóc th i gian riêng c a M t hơm, Bill ang ti m h t tóc ơng While Bill was at the barber’s one day, the manager of giám c quan c%ng vơ tình vào ó c t tóc Bill the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut Bill saw him and tried to hide his face, but the manager trông th y ông ta c gi u m!t i, nh ng ông ta ã t i ng i c nh nhanh chóng nh n anh chàng came and sat beside him, so he soon recognized him “ À, chào Jenkins Tơi th y anh ang h t tóc gi “Hullo, Jenkins,” the manager said “I see that you are làm vi c y nhé!”, ông giám c nói having your hair cut in office time,” “Vâng, th a ơng Nh ng nh ơng bi t y, tóc c%ng m c “Yes, sir, I am,” admitted Bill calmly “You see, sir, it dài gi làm vi c ” Bill bình t0nh thú nh n grows in office time.” “Nh ng c%ng không ph i t t c C%ng có nh*ng ph n tóc “Not all of it,” said the manager of the office at once “My wife makes all the small decisions,” he explained “and I make all the big ones, so we never interfere in each other’s business and never get annoyed with each other We have no complains and no arguments “That sounds reasonable,” answered his friend sympathetically, “And what sort of decisions does your wife make?” “Well” answered the man “she decides what jobs I apply for, what sort of house we live in, what furniture we have, where we go for your holidays, and things like that.” His friend was surprised “Oh!” he said “ And what you consider important decisions then?” “Well” answered the man, “ I decide who should be Prime Minister, whether we should increase our help to poor countries, what we should about the atom bomb, and things like that.” 147 “Some of it grows in your own time.” “Yes, sir, that’s quite true” answered Bill politely, “but I’m not having it all cut off.” A matter of punctuation An English professior wrote the words, “Woman withour her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.” The women wrote: “Woman! Without her,man is nothing.” Mistake? A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if she could see her license She replied in a huff “ I wish you guys could get your act together Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you Gifts for mother Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother The first son said: “ I built a big house for our mother” The second son said: “ I sent Mom a Mercedes with a driver.” The third son said: “ You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible Now she can’t see very well So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible The Elders at the church spent twelve years to teach him Mama just has to name the chapter and the verse and the parrot recites it.” Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks “William,” she wrote, “ the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.” “Arnold, she said, “ I am too old to travel I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes That driver is so rude, he is a pain!” “ But David,” she said, “ the chicken was delicious” I went out in my slippers Len and Jim worked for the same company One day, Len lent Jim 20 dollars, but then Jim left his job and went to work in another town without paying Len back his 20 dollars Len did not see Jim for a year, and then he heard from another friend that Jim was in town and staying at the ch m c lúc r nh r i mà thôi.” Ơng giám c nói “ D th a ơng i u ó r t úng nh ng mà tơi c%ng âu có h t h t tóc i âu ” Bill l ch s# áp l i S+ díc d c c a cách ch m câu M t giáo s ti ng Anh vi t nh*ng t- “ àn bà khơng có ng i àn ơng c a khơng c ” lên b ng h ng d n sinh viên c a ch m câu m t cách xác/ Các sinh viên nam vi t: “ àn bà, n u àn ơng, khơng c ” Các sinh viên n* vi t: “ àn bà! N u àn ơng khơng c ” L,i gì? M t s0 quan c nh sát d-ng m t gái tóc vàng v t q t c cho phép h+i cô m t cách r t l ch s# r'ng li u anh có th xem b'ng lái c a cô Cô nàng tr l i m t cách h t s c gi n d*: “Tơi mong r'ng anh có th k t h p làm vi c M i ngày hôm qua anh thu b'ng lái c a hơm anh hy v ng tơi trình cho anh.” Các quà t ng m Ba ng i trai r i gia ình i l p nghi p u thành t H bàn v i v nh*ng quà mà h có th dành t!ng cho ng i m( già c a Ng i tr "ng nói: “ Anh s& xây cho m( m t nhà l n.” Ng i th hai nói: “ Cịn em s& g i cho m( m t chi c Mercedes m t tài x ” Ng i th ba nói: “ Các anh có cịn nh m( thích c Kinh thánh nh th khơng Mà bây gi m t m( không c t t l m B"i v y em s& g i cho m( m t v(t !c bi t, có th c thu c lịng tồn b Thánh kinh Nh*ng ng i cao tu,i " nhà th ó ã m t m i hai n)m d y M( ch c n nêu tên ch ơng m c v(t s& c cho m( nghe.” Sau ó khơng lâu, ng i m( g i cho h nh*ng b c th c m ơn nh sau: “ William,” bà vi t, “tòa nhà xây r ng M( ch " m i m t phòng, nh ng ph i lau d n c nhà.” “ Arnold, m( già i du l ch M( g n nh " nhà su t ngày nên r t hi m m( dùng chi c Mercedes Gã tài x ó r t thơ l , h n m t n i kh, tâm c a m(!” “Nh ng David, gà ó r t ngon.” Tơi ã mang dép i r i Len Jim làm vi c cho m t công ty M t hôm Len cho Jim vay 20 la, nh ng sau ó Jim b+ vi c i làm " m t th tr n khác mà không tr 20 ô la cho Len Len không g!p Jim m t n)m tr i, anh nghe m t ng i b n nói Jim ang có m!t th tr n " t i 148 What a woman!!! Three blonde guys are stranded on one side of a wide river and don’t know how to get across The first blonde guy prays to God to make him smart enough to think of a way to cross the river God turns hom into a brown-haired man, and he swam across The second blonde guy prays to God to make him even smarter, so he can think of a better way to cross the river God turns him into a red-haired man, so he builded a boat and rows across Beggar “Why you beg?” “The truth is I beg to get money for booze (drink).” “Why you drink?” “To give me the courage to beg” He drew it all himself Teacher: Who helped you to draw this map, Jack? Jack: Nobody, sir Teacher: Didn’t your brother help you? Jack: No, sir He drew it all himseil khách s n trung tâm, ó anh t i g!p Jim vào chi u t i hơm ó Anh tìm c s phịng c a Jim nh ng i ti p tân d i l u lên l u tìm Jim Khi t i phịng, anh th y giày c a Jim ngồi c a ang ch c ánh bóng “Ch c h n ph i có " phòng.” Len ngh0 th m gõ c a Khơng có ti ng tr l i Anh l i gõ c a l n n*a r i nói: “ Tơi ã bi t c u " phịng, Jim giày c a c u " ngịai mà.” “Tơi ã mang dép i ngịai r i.” Câu tr l i t- phòng v ng B truy nã L p m u giáo c a bé Johnny có m t chuy n th)m quan th#c t t i n c nh sát a ph ơng, nơi l% tr nhìn th y nh*ng b c nh c a m i gã àn ông b truy nã g n b ng tin M t s nh*ng a tr ch vào m t b c nh h+i li u ó có ph i nh c a m t k b truy nã không? -“4, ph i r i,” viên c nh sát tr l i, “Các thám t r t mu n b t h n.” - “Sao không b t ch p nh h n?”, bé Johnny h+i Th m i ph' n Ba gã àn ơng tóc vàng b m c c n t i b c a m t sông r ng không bi t làm th có th i qua Gã tóc vàng th nh t c u Chúa xin cho h n thông minh ngh0 c cách qua sông Chúa tr i bi n thành ng i àn ơng tóc nâu, bơi qua Gã tóc vàng th hai c u chúa xin cho h n thông minh có th ngh0 m t cách t t qua sông Chúa tr i bi n thành m t ng i àn ơng tóc +, b"i v y óng m t thuy n chèo K n xin “T i anh l i )n xin?” “S# th#c xin ti n u ng r u.” “T i anh l i u ng r u?” “ tơi có can m i )n xin” Ch anh y v Giáo viên: “Ai ã giúp em v& t m b n này, Jack?” Jack: “Không h t, th a th y.” Giáo viên: “Có ph i anh c a em ã giúp em không?” Jack: “Không, th a th y Anh y v& m t thơi ” It’s coconut Mike was not well He was tired all the time, and his head often hurt “Go to doctor”, his wife said Mike did not like visiting the doctor, but after a week, ó qu d(a Mike không c kh+e Lúc c%ng c)ng th$ng th ng b au u “Hãy t i bác s0.” V khuyên Mike khơng thích t i bác s0, nh ng sau m t tu n, central hotel, so he went to see him there late in the evening He found out the number of Jim’s room from the clerk at the desk downstairs and went up to find him When he got to the room, he saw Jim’s shoes outside the door, waiting to be cleaned “Well, he must be in,” he thought, and knocked at the door There was no answer He knocked again Then he said, “I know you’re in, Jim Your shoes are out here’ “I went out in my slippers,” answered a voice from inside the room Most wanted Little Johnny’s kindergarden class was on a field trip to their locl police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 Most Wanted men One of the kids poined to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person “Yes,” said the policeman “The detectives want him very badly.” So, Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?” 149 he went The doctor asked him a lot of questions and him a lot of questions and wrote Mike’s ansewers down “What you eat in the morning?” he asked him “Eggs, bread, butter, jam and coffee,” Mike answered “And what lunch you have?” the doctor asked “Meat or fisd and bread.” “And what you have in the evening?” the doctor asked “Eggs and bread.” The the doctor said “Eat some fruit every day, and eat all the skin of the fruit The skin is very good What fruit you like best?” Mike was not happy “Coconuts,” he answered God Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, “Did God made you, Grandpa?” “Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me too?” “Yes, He did,” the older man answered For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind At last she spoke up “You know, Grandpa.” She said, “God’s doing a lot better job lately.” Too short for me… In the Spring fair, a years old child who got lost was crying A security guard came to console him and said: “If you don’t want to get lost, you should have gripped your mother’s dress” The boy cried sniffingly: “But my mother’s skirt was too short for me to grip.” Radio Broken A film crew was on location deep in the desert One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow rain.” The next day it rained A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow storm.” The next day there was a hailstorm “This Indian is incredible,” said the director He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn’t show up for two weeks Finally the director sent for him “I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I’m depending on you What will the c%ng ch u t i Bác s0 h+i r t nhi u câu h+i ghi l i nh*ng câu tr l i c a Mike “Anh th ng )n bu,i sáng?”, bác s0 h+i Mike “Tr ng, bánh mì, bơ, m t qu cà phê.” Mike tr l i “B*a tr a anh dùng gì?,” bác s0 h+i “Th t, cá bánh mì.” “Th anh )n b*a t i?” bác s0 h+i “Tr ng bánh mì.” Sau ó v bác s0 phán: “Hãy )n hoa qu hàng ngày )n c v+ c a chúng n*a V+ c a chúng r t t t Anh thích lo i hoa qu nh t?” Mike cau có tr l i: “Qu d-a.” Chúa tr i Ơng cháu gái ang ng i nói chuy n v i bé h+i: “Có ph i Chúa tr i ã t o ông không h ông?” “5, Chúa tr i ã t o ông,” ng i ông tr l i M t vài phút sau cô bé h+i ti p: “Chúa tr i c%ng t o cháu n*a ch ?” “5, Ng i ã t o c cháu n*a,” ng i ông tr l i Sau m t vài phút, bé ã nhìn k6 ơng r i l i ng m k6 g ơng, ng i ông ang phân vân không bi t cô bé ang ngh0 u Cu i bé m i ch u nói: “Ơng bi t khơng, v sau Chúa tr i làm vi c t t hơn.” Quá ng n cháu… Trong m t h i ch xuân, m t a tr tu,i b l c ang khóc Ng i b o v l i g n an i nói: “N u cháu khơng mu n b l c ph i n m ch!t l y váy m(.” C u bé s t s t khóc: “Nh ng mà váy m( cháu ng n cháu n m.” ài b h-ng M t oàn làm phim ang " sâu sa m c M t hôm m t c già da + t i g!p tr "ng ồn nói r'ng: “Ngày mai tr i s& m a.” Hôm sau tr i m a th t M t tu n sau, c già ó l i t i g!p tr "ng ồn nói: “Ngày mai tr i , bão.” Qu nhiên hơm sau có m t tr n bão l n “Ng i da + ó th t t,” ơng tr "ng ồn nói Ơng nói viên th ký thuê ng i da + ó d# báo th i ti t Tuy nhiên sau m t vài l n tiên ốn thành cơng khác, c già da + ó không xu t hi n hai tu n Tr "ng ồn làm phim cho tri u ơng ta t i “Tôi ph i quay m t c nh r t quan tr ng vào ngày mai,” ông ta nói, “và tơi trơng c y vào ơng Th i ti t ngày mai nh th 150 weather be like?” The Indian shrugged his shoulders “Don’t know,” he said “Radio is broken.” nào?” Ng i da + nhún vai “Không bi t, ài b h+ng,” ông ta tr l i Handwriting “Sir” hissed the lawyer, “do you swear this is not your signature?” “Yes.” “Is it not your handwriting?” “Nope” “You take your solemn oath that this writing does not resemble yours in a single particular?” “Yes” “How can you be certain?”, demanded the lawyer “I can’t write,” smiled the man Lucy A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so many hungry people in the world One evening, she was giving her small daughter her tea before putting her to bed First, she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that She asked for some jam on her bread as well/ Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said, ‘ when I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with butter and jam.’ Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said to her kindly, ‘ Aren’t you pleased that you’ve come to live with us now?’ Stone and Stone- Breaker A very strict officer was talking to some new soldiers whom he had to train He had never seen them before, so he began: “My name is Stone, and I’m even harder than stone, so what I tell you or there’ll be trouble Don’t try any tricks with me, and then we’ll get on well together.” Then he went to each soldier one after the other and asked him his name “Speak loudly so that everyone can hear you clearly,” he said, and don’t forget to call me ‘sir’ Each soldier told him his name, until he came to the last one This man remained last one This man remained silent, and so Captain Stone shouted at him, “When I ask you a question, answer it! I’ll ask you again: What’s your name, soldier?” The soldier was very unhappy, but at last he replied “My name’s Stone-breaker, sir”, he said nervously Ch vi t tay “Th a ngài,” lu t s rít lên gi n d*, “ngài có dám th r'ng ây không ph i ch* ký c a ngài khơng?” “Vâng” “ ó khơng ph i ch* vi t c a ngài sao?” “Hoàn toàn không.” “Ngài th danh d# r'ng ch* vi t không h gi ng ch* c a ngày m t chút ch ?” “Vâng” “Sao ngài có th ch c ch n nh v y?”, v lu t s h+i “Tôi không bi t vi t.” ng i àn ông m m c i Bé Lucy M t bà m( tr cho phí ph m th#c ph m có nhi u ng i ang ói th gi i m t i u r t sai trái M t t i n ch cho cô gái nh+ dùng b*a )n nh( tr c cho bé i ng Tr c tiên, ch a cho bé m t lát bánh mì nâu m i c ph t bơ, nh ng bé nói khơng thích nh v y Bé ịi ph t c m t m t trái lên bánh n*a M( bé nhìn bé m t lát r i nói: -“Khi m( cịn bé nh con, Lucy à, m( ch c )n ho!c bánh mì ph t bơ, ho!c bánh mì ph t m t, mà khơng bao gi có bánh mì v-a ph t bơ v-a ph t m t c ” Lucy nhìn m( v i c!p m t th ơng h i giây lát r i ân c n nói v i m(: -“Th m( có hài long m( ã t i s ng v i b bây gi không?” ng i p v M t s0 quan nghiêm kh c nói chuy n v i m t s lính m i mà ơng ta ph i hu n luy n Ông ch a g!p h bao gi Ơng nói: “Tên tơi Stone (ngh0a á) c ng r n Cho nên ph i làm úng nh ã l nh, n u anh không mu n g!p r c r i -ng tìm cách ánh l-a tơi Nh th s& tho i mái v i hơn.” R i ơng ta n ch t-ng ng i lính h+i tên “Nói to lên cho m i ng i c%ng nghe rõ Và -ng có quên ‘th a ngài’ y nhé.” T-ng ng i lính nói tên c a mình, r i n ng i cu i Ng i lính ng im i úy Stone hét lên: “Khi h+i, anh ph i tr l i Tơi h+i l i: tên anh gì, anh lính kia?” Ng i lính t+ v khơng vui nh ng cu i c%ng lung túng tr l i: “Tên Stonebreaker (ngh0a là: ng i p v á), th a ngài.” Vì v ng m t M( : “T i l i b i m th p nh v y Because of absence 151 Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test? Junior: Because of absence Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test? Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was Little Johnny Boy A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses She started her class by saying “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Little Johnny stoop up The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?” “No, ma’am but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself” ki m tra ó h ?” Con trai: “B"i v ng m!t \" M( : \" Con mu n nói r'ng ã v ng m!t vào ngày có ki m tra ó ? \" Con trai : \" Không, a v ng m!t a ng i c nh \" Bé Johnny M t giáo viên m i vào ngh ang th áp d ng mơn tâm lý c a Cơ b t u gi ng b'ng cách nói: “Em ngh0 r'ng ngu ng c ng lên!” M t vài phút sau, bé Johnny ng d y “Em ngh0 r'ng em ngu ng c h , Johnny,” cô giáo h+i “Khơng, th a cơ, nh ng em khơng thích ph i nhìn th y ng ó m i m t mình.”